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Based Jokes

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

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It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.

One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”

All the men throw down their cards a...

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

My dad recently told me a joke that was based on Ancient Roman Numerals.

I for one thought it very funny.

Did you know Mortal Kombat was based on an old Scandinavian song?

A Finnish hymn.

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

I once tried to create a comedy routine based on the myth of Orpheus.

Looking back, it was a bad idea.

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What is the funniest military-based joke you know?

I will go first ...
A beautiful lady was speaking to a General at a party:
Lady: When was the last time you had sex?
General: 1945.
Lady: Oh my God! How about some now ?
General: [Looks at his watch] No, I'm cool. It's only 2030.

What do you call a wizard who specializes in dairy based magic?

A lactomancer.

Could somebody please tell the name of the 80's comedy based in a bar in Boston starring Ted Danson. I can't for the life of me remember it's name.

Cheers

Why did the cloud-based company have a terrible attitude?

It was full of SaaS.

Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.

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The library building based on the Dewey Decimal System

My town's new library has its floors organized according to the Dewey Decimal System. Books with a code from 001 to 099 are in the basement, and books with a code from 900 to 999 are on the top floor, for example. Books with a code from 100 to 199 are on the street-level floor by the main entrance. ...

A Chinese political joke based on recent Chinese political affairs

In a CCP high profile officials meeting.

Xi: let’s vote on the announcement why Foreign Minister Qin Gang suddenly disappeared. Those who don’t agree with the announcement that Qin committed suicide, please hands up.

After counting the votes.

Xi: Qin, put your hand down.

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Based on statistics

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...
The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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I'm so tired of all these "historically" based movies and books that change the characters' skin color to pander to the masses

Like, what's up with this Jesus being white bullshit.

Based on a true story: I was carrying back gardening tools to the shed and dropped one. My wife yells from behind me.

"Yee haw, it's a hoe down"

My Mom bought me a coffee based hand scrub.

Now I get an erection every time I pass a starbucks.

HBO is reportedly planning on a new TV series based on Hermione from Harry Potter.

It's called Granger Things

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We all know the joke about a family's surname being based on their ancestors' profession, so what did John Hancock's family do?

The real question is, what the hell were Emily Dickinson's ancestors up to?

The name and symbol for Bluetooth are based on a Danish-Norwegian king, dubbed ‘Harald Bluetooth’

He had three wives, and four children between them. One then became his heir.

In other words, Bluetooth paired successfully

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

Based on where it grows, What do you call Red Ferns?

Puppy Trees!!

Russia has destroyed at least 21 HIMARS in Ukraine, based on past official reports

Ukraine has only 16 HIMARS in total.

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

Two aliens are flying near earth~ The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons." The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

what do you call a rap group based around citrus fruits?

A tribe called zest.

Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

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Based on a real incident [Long}

"Who wants to be an engineer?" asked the teacher in a classroom.

Some students raise their hands except one boy.

"Who wants to be a doctor?" asked the teacher again.

Again some students raise their hands except for that one boy.

"Who wants to be a teacher?" asked the teac...

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

This is a message for His Holiness the Dalai Lama: "Please decide my fate in future existences based on my past life behavior."

It's a ***karma***\-seeking post.

I accidentally spilled a coconut milk based curry on my patella, but just a small amount.

It was only a Thai knee issue.

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

They say you can tell if a woman likes you based on the position of her ankles relative to her ears

For example, if her ankles are behind them, she likes you a LOT

I've heard polymer based condoms are the happiest type

They're ribbed for mer pleasure

Sorry if it is to sciencey

There's a pilot for a new reality show based on hookers in a brothel.

It's call "Deadliest Snatch".

Did you know dr pepper was based off a real doctor?

He was a fizzican

I’m starting a new online bank based in Vatican City

It’s called Papal.

Did you hear that Crash Test Dummies wrote a musical based on The Human Centipede?

It’s called "Mmf Hff Fm Hhmff Fhuhr Hmfhmf."

Do you know why the unit of feet was once based on the foot of king Henry the 1st?

Cause he was the absolute ruler.

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Did you know OnlyFans was supposed to just be a non-sexual subscription based site?

But it became LonelyFans oh so fast....

I looked in the brochure to see if there were any natural, water-based passages,

but it didn't give me a strait answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just tried my new Viagra based teabags.

Didn't do much in the bedroom but I left the biscuits in all day and they didn't go soft!

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Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

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A band teacher is giving a quiz to her class where you have to guess the name of a famous song based on a clue.

She starts with the easy clues: "Comedian".

"The Entertainer!" one of the flute players says immediately.

Then the teacher goes to a slightly more difficult clue: "Metal container is able to".

"The Cancan!" a saxophone player responds instantly.

Pleased with the results s...

Did you know that the consistency of a woman's menstrual fluid is varies greatly based on her diet?

It's a viscous cycle.

I got a computer to analyse every episode of Married With Children and it developed sentience based on what it learned.

It's an AI Bundy.

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?

CoRnY

Netflix is making a show about a shrub, based on a Twitter account. Some people are excited, but I'm not sure...

It seems like a corporate plant.

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would awar...

They say you can predict the next president based off bumper stickers.

According to my research the president should have been that one honor student.

So I've been thinkin of opening a christian based Fromagerie,

I even picked out a logo. Jesus Cheesus. Our Grate Lord and Savior

A St. Patrick's day joke based on my Irish ancestry

One evening an Irish man walks out of a bar ...

>!That's the whole joke, the joke being two fold: an Irish man wouldn't leave a bar in the evening at all, and when an Irish man leaves a bar, he doesn't 'walk' out; he either staggers or is carried out!<

If you adjust your posture based on someone's recommendation,

Do you stand corrected?

I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library.

They have an excellent non-friction section.

What do you call a forum based around toe injuries?

A stubbreddit

[Request] I need 10 Mole-Based Jokes

Mole day thing, I need some jokes about moles, but I can't make up 10 by myself

Never purchase jewelry based off of a photograph

It makes you look 2D pendant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm starting a new premium subscription service that will distribute sexual content based on Japanese demons.

It shall be called Oni Fans.

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

I'm a physicist and I went to a baseball game the other day....A foul ball got hit my way.... As the baseball came toward me, I was trying to work out how long it would take to reach me, based on its arc and velocity...

And then it hit me.

How did the young computer geek refer to his AI-based girlfriend?

His "Databae"

Did you see the latest fashion trend is adhesive based dresses and suits?

From what I heard they’re a bit tacky.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time.

I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one.

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

My wife said she’d buy her next phone based on how bright the display is...

... but I think that’s just nit-picking

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