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Security Jokes

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣
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I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...
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After calling 5 different home security companies...

....I've decided it's cheaper to get robbed.
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A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"
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A man calls the National Security Agency...

Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?

Agent: No sir, we don't do that

Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her ...
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As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.”
...

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.
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China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.
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I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.
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What is David Byrne’s social security number?

444-44-4444
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I'm A Security Guard And My Boss Told Me It Was My Responsibility To Watch The Office Every Night

Already up to season 4 and have no idea what it has to do with being a security guard.
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Chuck Norris’ security guard…

…is grateful to have Chuck protecting him.
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I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...

No 'fence.

Nun taken.
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What are security officers called at a trampoline park?

Bouncers
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90s kids won't get this . . .

Social Security benefits.
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Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?

In what year did you abandon your dreams?

What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress?

At what age did your childhood pet run away?

What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?

In what city did you first...
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A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
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Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
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I have a friend who works as security at a well-known lingerie store.

He prefers to say he's part of the Victoria Secret Service.
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One thing I realized is that most women are looking for security in their lives.

Anytime I approach one of them, I hear her yell out, “Security!”
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.
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What do you call worms in front of a home security camera?

Ring worms
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An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"
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Why did the enterprise version of Norton Security Firewall flop?

Because it was NSFW.
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Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security?

Sir Veillance
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Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...
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I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.
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I'm making a killing selling home security systems...

All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.
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Software architects should never design high security fences.

They’re likely to make them highly scalable.
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Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual

...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.
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Social Security

To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to ask the Social Security Administration about my case.

I got married in 1962 to a widow, who had han adult daughter. My father visited us frequently, and as a result, he married my stepdaughter.

After this, my stepdaughter became my step...
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What's the difference between a security guard and a child playing Cops And Robbers?

The child doesn't have a complex about pretending to be a cop.
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A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...
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Senior Computer Security?

Senior Computer Security?

My memory is going Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect”.
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I'm so fat, that when I went through airport security they didn't strip search me...

They burlesque searched me.
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A girl is waiting for a letter from her soldier boyfriend.

Finally, she gets it. Excited, the girl opens the envelope. However, instead of a letter, a small note falls out. She picks it up and reads:

*Your boyfriend loves you, but babbles way too much.*

***Security.***
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I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
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I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.
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Social Security

My cousin Donald Godwin went to get his Social Security started. But he forgot his papers on the kitchen table.

The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest...
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I really hate Norton’s security software...

...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec
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The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...
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I got arrested at the airport last week...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
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Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...
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I wrote a bot script to get past website security

So far its managed to evade captcha
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Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just got hired as a federal security officer & its like having sex while camping

It's fucking intense

A woman from[Insert trashy town name here] goes to the local social security office

The registrar asks her a few background questions.

How many kids do you have? I have 8 boys, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the first one? John, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the second one? John, she says
The registrar says - they are both named John? Yes - she replies.
Ok ...
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The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security

Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards
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A rich man is leaving home in the morning when his overnight security guard asks for a word ...

"Boss, I had this dream your private jet had a problem and everyone on board of the flight died," the guard said.
The rich man, who had travel plans for that day decided to postpone it and to have the jet checked.
After a thorough investigation, an issue was found that'd certainly be fatal if ...
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Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...
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What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
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A thief was caught raiding a cemetery by the security

He made a grave mistake
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When answering the security question place of birth?

Apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer.

If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces.

Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:

If you’re arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?
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A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.
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I asked our security specialist, “How did the hackers get away?”

Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”
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Interview for the position of security guard in India

Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?

Candidate: Are the thieves from England?
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My neighbours said they wanted to talk to me about my bad home security habits.

So I said “Sure, my door is always open”
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I'm going to tell my Gen Z friend a joke about Social Security...

...but he probably won't get it.
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IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.
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I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.
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I hired a bee to run my IT security department

He makes really good honeypots
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A security guard about to start his night shift finds it weird to see his boss coming into the office...

"Hey boss? Working late tonight?"

"Yes, I'm flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip."

In the morning, minutes before the security guard's shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.

"Boss, please don't get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it w...
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Did you hear about the cheesemaker who got sent to maximum security prison?

He's being kept in solid-dairy confinement.
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Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.
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I work security at a Samsung store.

I guess you could say I’m... a gaurdian of the galaxy!
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Job security in the 21st century.

That’s the whole joke.
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Job Security

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse.

One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the re...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...
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Airport Security yelled at me today

Said I was in plane sight
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.... (NSFW-ish)

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,...

How do you fix and update any security issues at halloween?

With a pumpkin patch!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that I'm getting older I get social security sex.

I get a little every month but not enough to live off.

Recent cyber security breaches are discovered due to their rapid deployment.

The hackers are always Russian.
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President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social Security sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women

I would be invisible to them
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Two men were breaking into a high security software company...

They couldn’t get their code breaker to work for the back door, so, in a last desperate attempt to short circuit the security, one of them peed on the access panel.

It began smoking, a couple sparks flew, and boom, the back door clicked open.

They looked at each other, impressed and r...
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I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security.

I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.
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