UPJOKE
protectionsafetywarrantguaranteesafeguardwarrantycertificateguardensureinsuranceconfidenceprotectdefensedefencesecurity system

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

My phone won't let me download the Radiohead app from the play store due to security concerns

Paranoid Android

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"



Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost,...

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just got hired as a federal security officer & its like having sex while camping

It's fucking intense

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

Boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office

Im on season 6 but I’m not really sure what its got to do with security.

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

I sell security door to door

If no one is home, I leave a pamphlet on their kitchen table.

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Recently I've started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.

It's a tough job but I enjoy it. It really has it's prose and cons.

Yo mamma is so old…

…that her social security number is written with Roman numerals.

I don't like people who take drugs

For example, airport security.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I caught my coworker watching porn during our meeting

He said this is his home security camera

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

Software architects should never design high security fences.

They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

My neighbours said they wanted to talk to me about my bad home security habits.

So I said “Sure, my door is always open”

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

After calling 5 different home security companies...

....I've decided it's cheaper to get robbed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

A woman from[Insert trashy town name here] goes to the local social security office

The registrar asks her a few background questions.

How many kids do you have? I have 8 boys, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the first one? John, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the second one? John, she says
The registrar says - they are both named John? Yes - she replies.
Ok ...

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

I'm going to tell my Gen Z friend a joke about Social Security...

...but he probably won't get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my sex the way I like my pickpocketing.

Nowhere near security cameras.

A man calls the National Security Agency...

Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?

Agent: No sir, we don't do that

Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her ...

The underwear making company, *Jockey* was having a tough time with stock theft.On departure for home, all workers' bags were searched and everything always seemed OK. All security measures you can think of were put in place...

Auditors were called in but still no one was caught and stock continued to disappear.

All workers, including management were checked on departure and no one was caught with more than one pair.

Then....
One day, the Auditor advised security to *check all workers on their arrival..*...

I went to get a booster today but froze and forgot my social security number, so I just made up a random one.

New year, new me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the security camera , then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we ...

What do you call a mediocre social program?

So-So security

I wrote a bot script to get past website security

So far its managed to evade captcha

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I ...

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

A cowboy walks into a bank wearing only his hat and his gun..

and a security guard taps him on the shoulder and says “excuse me sir, you’re not wearing a mask and have to leave”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social Security Application

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” ...

A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

I'm making a killing selling home security systems...

All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.

A thief was caught raiding a cemetery by the security

He made a grave mistake

Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth walk into a restaurant...

They're waiting to be seated, when they spot Sandra Bullock and George Clooney sitting at a table nearby.

Suddenly and without warning they run over to the pair's table and start screaming and shouting:

"No!"
"You cannot, and shall not!"
"We will not let you! Ever!"

Securi...

A security guard about to start his night shift finds it weird to see his boss coming into the office...

"Hey boss? Working late tonight?"

"Yes, I'm flying to Europe tomorrow, family trip."

In the morning, minutes before the security guard's shift end, the man spots his boss again, but now sharing some strong words.

"Boss, please don't get on that plane. I had a terrible dream it w...

An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"

Did you hear about the cheesemaker who got sent to maximum security prison?

He's being kept in solid-dairy confinement.

I was trying to go about my business, when some creepy weirdo stood next to me. So I did up my zip.

"Show me what's in that bag," ordered the security guard.

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions.

1.My credit card number

2.My social security number

3.Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces.

Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:

If you’re arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

I really hate Norton’s security software...

...but please don’t call me anti-Symantec

What do you call the security guards working outside a Samsung mobile store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my father told me about this insane lady who couldn't even make it past airport security.

"She couldn't even make it past airport security," he had told me. "She was hoppin, skippin, howlin and growlin, saying things like *'can't wait!' 'can't wait!'* and airport security just wasn't on board with that psychedelic shit, so they kicked her out."

"Wow," said me. "Was she a five year...

I just came up with this

A photon us going through airport security. The security guard says "that's not a lot of luggage" the photon says "I'm travelling light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

Interview for the position of security guard in India

Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?

Candidate: Are the thieves from England?

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a smiling security guard in the bathroom at the strip club i go to... [Long]

Night or day doesnt matter, you go in and he just stares you down while you’re using the pisser with the biggest smile on his face.

Ive tried talking to him several times but he just stands there and smiles like the queens guard or some shit. I figured i would test him a bit and see what i c...

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...

No 'fence.

Nun taken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security.

Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.

I hired a bee to run my IT security department

He makes really good honeypots

I've just been thrown out by security and told never to return to the hospital again.

It turns out the Stroke Unit isn't what I thought it was.

Social Security

To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to ask the Social Security Administration about my case.

I got married in 1962 to a widow, who had han adult daughter. My father visited us frequently, and as a result, he married my stepdaughter.

After this, my stepdaughter became my step...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When answering the security question place of birth?

Apparently vagina is not an acceptable answer.

How do you fix and update any security issues at halloween?

With a pumpkin patch!

I asked our security specialist, “How did the hackers get away?”

Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”

The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security

Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's fine" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything! What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar!," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security?

Sir Veillance

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women

I would be invisible to them

Recent cyber security breaches are discovered due to their rapid deployment.

The hackers are always Russian.

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

My art was hanging in the metropolitan museum of art!

But then the security guard took down my post it note. :(

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Papa"
The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"
The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,
"Single malt Scotch whisky and women with big tits...

I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.

Drew is a security guard, and he has just been brought on to the team of up-and-coming British Pop Star, Chris "Anthem" Williamson.

Today is Drew's first day working with his new team. He meets with Finley, Chris's Stage Manager, to go over what he needs to know for the next gig.

Towards the end of his orientation, Finley tells Drew, "Lastly, Chris a bit of an eccentric fellow. He does NOT like to be disturbed when he's ...

I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security.

I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.

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