I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

My boss told me "As a security guard, its your job to watch the office"....

I'm on season 6 now but don't see what it has to do with security

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

I asked our security specialist, “How did the hackers get away?”

Miffed, he shrugged and answered, “No idea. They ransomware.”

A young aristocratic woman pulls up to a large New York bank in her Rolls Royce.

She parks in front of the bank and goes inside where she is greeted by a banker.

"Hi, Sir. I would like to take out a loan using my Rolls Royce as collateral" the woman says to the banker.

"Yes ma'am. How much money will you need to borrow?" he asks.

"$500.00 please" says the ...

For security, I built a really powerful electric fence around my property.

My neighbour is dead against it!!!

Airport Security yelled at me today

Said I was in plane sight

What do you call security outside a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

Save money on home security and alarm systems by flying flags of politically taboo groups on the front

The police will watch your house for free!

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

A photon is going through airport security......

The TSA agent asks if it has any luggage.

The photon says, "No, I am traveling light."

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Airport security

Recently at the L.A. airport they searched Lady Gaga for three hours. As she was getting OFF the plane!

What bugged her most was, six of the guards were from another airport.

What kind of security do they hire for metal concerts?

Coppers

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

TIL in 2015 three inmates from a maximum security prison beat Harvard’s debate team.

With their fists.

My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm.

He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"

I replied, "Single-handedly."

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

Who is the patron saint of security cameras?

St Francis of a CCTV

Airport security agents do a great job preventing people smuggling bombs on their heads...

You've got to take your hat off to them.

I think my base's security office is run by furries.

every email i receive from them has the header "FOUO, what's this?"

I noticed that my local convent has no security around the building, so I helped my self

No 'fence.


Nun taken.

Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.



One week later, Jim stops the same driver. O...

Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office

Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a boy..

My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now...

Too many fuckin' security cameras.

After years at my job, I finally managed to walk away with the “Employee of the Month” award.

Unfortunately security caught me at the door.

Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult i...

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

An old man went to get his Social Security started.

But he forgot his papers on the kitchen table.

The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest prove I’m 65?”

She said, “All right sir, I believe you. B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked the bookstore clerk if he had Trump’s new book on border security.

He said “Fuck you! Get out and stay out!” I replied, “ Yes- that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

I went to park in a parking garage at a hospital the other day and the security guard stopped me and said "sir this garage is for badge holders only"

I said "I have a bad shoulder... That's why I'm here"

A couple of friends got a job working security at the local cell phone dealer.

They're now the guardians of the Galaxy.

Why did the bakery install a security system?

To protect the dough!

The green new deal is actually a national security bill.

With out any airplanes there will be no more hijackings.

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. The sale is easy. All I do is say, "Hello!"

At 3 in the morning.

Whilst sitting on the end of their bed...

My grandpa used to say that what women want is security, and I have to admit he was right.

That’s what they yell for when I start talking to them.

I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.

Internet security tip - don’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password

It’s not stroganoff.



NOTE: Not my joke but from work

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.

If Trump is so worried about border security, maybe he should take Prozac.

You know, for Hispanic attacks.

What do you call an airport security employee?

A volunteer

90s kids won't get this . . .

Social Security benefits.

Security guard goes outside a side door for a cigarette and spots a sandwich on the ground with wires sticking out

He radios his boss "Hey Jim, there's a sandwich outside the door here with wires sticking out of it"

His boss replies "Is it ticking?"

"No, it's turkey and ham."

Haven't seen this one here yet

**How to install a southern home security system**

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 15 men's work boots, and place them on your porch with a copy of *Guns & Ammo* magazine.
2. Place four of the biggest dog bowls you can find on the porch next to the boots and magazines.
3. L...

The germans really need to tighten-up on their cake security

at this time of year a heck of a lot of it is stollen.

Did you hear about the husband who found that his wife had run off with the man who installed their security system?

He became quite alarmed

I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.

Kept having my Amazon packages stolen off my porch ordered a security cam to deter/catch the culprit.

That package was stolen too.

This airport security officer at London airport really doesn't like me

Everytime I try to get past security, Heathrows me out

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

I was going to tell a joke about Social Security

But I realized no one was likely to get it.

Why did Jack quit his job at airport security?

Because no one ever said hi to him.

My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university...

I will spend my days asking philosophy students “Who are you, and why are you here?”

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport

I mean I had to hand it to them

Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security?

Sir Veillance

Did you hear the joke about that terrible high security prison?

Whoops, sorry, it escaped me.

A robber needs to get past a security camera...

He thinks about how he could get by. The he had an idea.

He took off all his clothes and walked by.

The camera immeadiately noticed him and he was arrested.

When the cops were asking him why he did the crime one of the cops asked, “Why did you take all your clothes off before pa...

I got detained by security at a comedy club the other night.

I didn’t find the comedian’s joke very funny so they booked me for”resisting a jest”.

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

I learned from experience that the thing girls want most from life is security.

Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, “Security!”

When the Russian Secret Police have to run a security check on the Presidents new girlfriend they first have to ask

Where's Vladimir Putin it?

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Was talking with a friend recently about security breaches and mistyped “Assley Madison”

I think it has a nice ring to it.

This guy tried to tell me a joke about Social Security...

I warned him ahead of time I probably won't get it.

Got arrested at the airport last week.

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

Gorbachev and Reagan met to discuss security.

They started to argue about who has the best personal security. Naturally Gorbachev said he does, and Reagan said he does. They were meeting at the Grand Canyon, so they went outside to settle this.
Gorbachev told Reagan, "look". He ordered his security detachment beside him to jump off the canyo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into work with a smile

Every morning, he walks in and passes the security guard with a great big grin on his face. One day, bleary eyed, the security guard asks him why he's so chipper every morning.

"Well, it's simple. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I rub my wife on the shoulder and say 'Blondie, Blondie, e...

Three bridge security guards are sitting down to eat lunch...

The unpack their lunches. The first one has a bologna sandwich, the second has a PB&J sandwich, and the third has a ham and cheese sandwich. The next day, they have the same sandwiches again. This continues for many days until one day they are sick of it. They decide that if they don't get somet...

You're at the mall when a security guard comes up to you.

He (falsely) suspects you of attempted shoplifting.

You try to explain to him that you're not, but he thinks you're getting aggressive and trying to resist arrest.

He pulls out his taser.

What happens next may shock you...

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...

Verizon made a new minimum security prison and despite what many would believe its very successful.

its got no bars but you still cant get out of it for 2 years

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