My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

Heaven and Hell according to Europe

Heaven is a place where,
all the cops are British,
all the chefs are French,
all the engineers are German,
all the parties are organized by the Italians,
and it’s all run by the Swiss

Hell is a place where,
all the cops are German,
all the chefs are British (sorry Gordon...

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

According to J.D. Power, Ford is one of the most reliable brands.

75% of Fords are still on the road. The other 25% made it home.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

The world funniest joke according to science

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?...

According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worse student She's ever had..

Oops... sorry, wrong thread.

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

According to my Asian dad their are 2 types of people

Those who get A+ on everything and failures

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

According to my girlfriend I'm part of generation D.

"You are such a D-gen-erate!" she said

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According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?

tree fiddy

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

According to a news headline, the world's fattest family has lost 600lbs.

One of them died.

A group of mathematicians were recently caught for robbing,

According to the police reports, their days were numbered.

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

random pandemic question

According to history class, they organized wild orgies in the Middle Ages after the victory over the Plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

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A perfectly innocent joke. [funny]

A man is held up in a police station because the cops came to arrest him after his neighbor called them in.

So he’s waiting when a random cop shows up with a question. “So,” begins the cop, looking at his notes, “care to tell me why your here?”

“That’s the thing!” Came the confused ma...

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

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(According to her dad) What did the woman say when she lost her virginity?

Hi men!

According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012.

2021\*

According to Simon and Garfunkel, we should blame Rosie for Covid-19

She was the queen of Corona

I studied the cantaloupe joke

I’ve done it! I studied the origin of the cantaloupe joke. Then I then fact checked it into the night, and oh my God, it works on every level! I now present to you, the cantaloupe joke, and why it works.

Why must a melon get married in a church and nowhere else?


Because, due to i...

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

Did you know?

According to Ohm's law, the best way to get an answer is to post an incorrect answer online, and someone will eventually correct you.

According to Catholicism, what is the longest name a woman can have?

Gloria, with 17 syllables.

Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No. YOU’RE A POO!

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor bo...

A lawyer dies and ends up in hell.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 42 years old!”

“Just 42? That doesn't sound right.” says Satan.

The lawyer says, "Thank you so much, this must be some kind of mix up."

"Ah, here we have it," says Satan. "According to our cal...

Not fat, just short.

According to the BMI chart, at the doctors office, I don’t need to lose 25 pounds! I do need to grow about six inches but hey, it beats dieting!

A granny is walking to the store when she is stopped by a military checkpoint

Soldiers inform her that she can't cross the bridge because it was destroyed. "Destroyed how? I can plainly see it and there is nothing wrong with it." "No, no, ma'am" explains the soldier. "According to the exercise scenario this bridge was destroyed yesterday and we can't let anybody cross." "But ...

A construction worker sits down in his favourite pub at the end of a long, exhausting week.

He orders a beer and takes a sip in pure bliss. From the corner of his eye he notices a cute little girl, but he pays no mind. All he can think of is the shimmering glass in his hands, filled to the brim with golden ale. As the night progresses, the folk get cheerier and louder each passing minute. ...

Guy gets back from work...

He walks through the door, but his wife - who I think was blonde - doesn't come to see him or say hi. He looks through to the kitchen and sees her with her hands on her head, quietly cursing to herself, clearly frustrated by something.

He asks her, "hey honey, what's the problem?". She replie...

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According to the news, someone from London gets stabbed every 30 seconds

Poor bastard

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According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

According to Hesiod version, Orion was likely the son of the sea-god Poseidon and Euryale.

Orion could walk on the waves because of his father; he walked to the island of Chios where he got drunk and attacked Merope, daughter of Oenopion, the ruler there. In vengeance, Oenopion blinded Orion and drove him away. Orion stumbled to Lemnos where Hephaestus—the smith-god—had his forge. Hephaes...

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

My friend once had a job circumcising elephants

Well according to him the pay was lousy but at least the tips were huge!

Me: According to the World Health Organization...

My dad: WHO?

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

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What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

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Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

One Bill Gates' divorce

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams. On the Sur...

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

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There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination?

HAND EYEEE-E-EYE

Climate change is causing people to move into hilly and mountainous regions

According to one expert on YouTube it is plain unsettling.

According to Science,

Alcohol is a solution

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend

According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing.

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

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Did you hear about the new Nazi documents that have been uncovered?

They were conducting experiments involving mixing the DNA of electric eels, dogs, and captured British soldiers.

According to the plans they were quite eel-lab-brit.

Ps: sorry...

I'm in trouble with my girlfriend.

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

According to...

According to this box of Mac and Cheese

I'm a family of 4

According to a recent poll 9 out of 10 people have never had Steak Tartare.

Apparently it's very rare.

Best Joke of a previous year according to multiple sources.

2 Hunters are out one day, they are about to shoot a buck. Suddenly, one of the Hunters clutches his hands to his chest, and falls to the ground. The other hunter, in shock calls 911. The operator begins:

"9-1-1, whats your emergency?"

The hunter nervously says, "My friend is on the g...

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...

Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to p...

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons...

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons - under one condition: after the funeral, each son was to put a 100 dollars in their father's grave as a sign of respect.

The eldest son went first. He took a $100 note from his wallet...

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Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",





But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

According to Einstein's Theory of General Relativity...

Everyone is attracted to you. At least a little bit.

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According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious...

...that he died a holy man.

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

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My son asked me to help with his homework the other day.

The question he was stuck on was, "Give two ways to prevent pregnancy.”

After telling him what to write | was confident he would be getting top marks.

According to his teacher though, "fucking her up the shitter," and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers.

The brain is the most important organ in your body

\- *According to the brain*

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

“According to a new report, Netflix is losing subscribers and 130,000 people have stopped watching.

It all happened after one guy changed his password.”

.

- Credit: Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (a rare actually good joke by Fallon I heard while my mom was watching)

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According to my new fitness smart watch

I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

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I don't know how to title this but according to higher-ups, this should be labelled as a repost so yeah. Enjoy

A guy walks over to his neighbour and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door and the guy asks her "Do you have a vagina?" The woman looks at him in disgust and slams the door on him.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guy walks over to his neighbour, knocks on the door and when s...

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

According to commercials, women are like Picasso.

They have a blue period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So according to some people men think about sex 24/7

Well, today's the day so start thinking

According to my bank account I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

Assuming I die on Thursday.

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

They say you can predict the next president based off bumper stickers.

According to my research the president should have been that one honor student.

According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.

The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.

I got one of those when I was married.

According to some people, the US having a black president was

an Obama-nation.

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."

ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,"I need you to come over and help me with this jigsaw puzzle..."

Her boyfriend asks,"What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says"According to the picture on the box it's supposed to be a rooster."So her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When she lets him in she takes him to the table where she has all the pieces sprea...

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Told to me by an immigrant friend who was a Drill Sargent in the Russian army in the '80s

A Sargent and a Private are walking across a Soviet army base when they approach a General coming the other way. The enlisted men salute and the Sargent calls out:

"Sir, your top shirt button is unbuttoned!" (A serious faux pas, according to my friend).

The General is in no mood for it...

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages.

For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

which spice, according to jamaicans, is definitely going to hell?

the cinnamon!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to the vet, our dog is addicted to masturbation.

I hope it doesn't rub off on our children.

So according to this BMI chart...

I am too short.

An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.”

“Yes, I see the problem,” The engineer responds. “We just can’t draw any current.”

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

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