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A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order.

She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomind...

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had st...

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know

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An elderly Lady goes to an undertaker

An elderly lady with no family wants to leave her affairs in order in her old age. That is why she goes to an undertaker. They discuss the funeral, the guest list, flowers and whatever else is necessary. The undertaker also asks her if she has any special wishes regarding the inscription on her grav...

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2/3rds of people enjoy affairs

The other 1/3 is pissed off she came home early and caught us

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.

It's a sad state of affairs.

The current state of affairs...

Legal, but highly immoral.

What's NC Senate candidate Cal Cunningham's position on extra marital affairs?

Missionary.

You want to know how I keep my affairs in order?

In my little black book, alphabetically of course.

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

Due to a severe increase in Teachers having affairs with their Students,

Homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs. His advisor concluded it with, "and yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an attack."

"That's terrible!" responded the president. "We need to act now. I need to talk directly with the people. Set up a time for it, a...

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(NSFW) "At one point," boasted the ageing rock star, "I was having affairs simultaneously with Ms Estefan, Ms Gaynor and Ms Steinem!"

"Sounds like a good time!" replied the interviewer.

"Good? It was fucking Glorias!"

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

Apparently, lots of Canadians use "married but dating" sites.

What a sorry state of affairs.

I went to college to study foreign affairs

And now I know how to cheat on my wife with a russian beauty!

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The administration at my high school was very corrupt

Allowing disgusting school lunches, affairs between teachers and students, and faculty that would show up to school intoxicated.

But one time it went too far. My dad was the tennis coach at my high school, and he always struggled to get funding from the school for his program.

My mom w...

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The State of Affairs in Australian Politics

>Tony Abbott asks the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

>>"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

>>Abbott then asked, "But how do I k...

The White House Foreign Affairs Officer walks into the oval office and says...

The White House Foreign Affairs Officer walks into the oval office and says "Mr. President, eight Brazilian soldiers were killed in Mexico today!"

The President is real quiet.

"Mr. President, did you hear me?"

"How many is a Brazilian?" the president asks.

A doctor tells a man to get his affairs in order.

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news. You only have three months to live.


Patient: (gasps)


Doctor: I know this is very unsettling, but I think it would be best to get your affairs in order.


Patient: Is that necessary, doctor? My wife is here.

...

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