UPJOKE
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What is the difference between God and a federal judge?

God doesn't think He is a federal judge.

Federal Budget

*Tonight's Federal Budget in a nutshell*: "We know that most of you are poor, but if you vote for us, you'll be slightly less poor for a few weeks, but then after a while, you'll just be poor again and we'll still be in power for another 4 years."

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Just got hired as a federal security officer & its like having sex while camping

It's fucking intense

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

What kind of car does the chairperson of the Federal Reserve drive?

A Fiat

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

Donald Trump said if I voted for Hillary Clinton I'd have a President constantly under Federal investigation.

I did and we do.

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Last two years I spent time impersonating a Federal Agent. Nobody gave me trouble when they saw me, including the police.

Then I turned 8 and decided I wanted to be an astronaut instead.

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform pre...

A lobster trapper

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wig...

Until federal law supports the love between two men

It’s just a mandate

What is cat's favorite federal program?

war on dawgs

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A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

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Hey sexy, are you having a hard time understanding U.S. Federal tax code?

... cause I'm Intuit.

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

Why is Tom Brady against raising the federal minimum wage?

He doesn’t want things to get too inflated.

If you like a good Sven and Ole joke. . .

Sven recently got promoted to Game Warden for his Minnesota district and was watching a beautiful flock of loon flying overhead. Suddenly, a shot rang out and one of the loon fell to the ground.

Sven, cursing, drove his truck over to where it fell, only to see his lifelong friend, Ole, picki...

As the United States reopens, the federal government has issued a rapid coronavirus test that’s just 25 cents.

Heads is positive. Tails is negative.

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A federal marshal walks into a bar in the Old West...

He tells the bartender about an unusual wanted man he's hunting.

"I haven't seen anybody too unusual around these parts lately," the bartender asks as he hands the marshal a drink. "How unusual are we talkin' here?"

"You'd definitely know this fella if you'd seen him," the marshal said...

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

Did you know that to make a crib that meets Federal standards, it takes at least 763 nails?

But it only takes one screw to fill it.

Trump said...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.

This isn'...

In the United States, tomorrow is a Federal Holiday

and the government is supposed to be closed for a day.

A man working at the Federal Reserve

A man working at the Federal Reserve was hired to manufacture pennies. On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.

“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block ...

To all the unpaid federal workers...

Don't worry about your bills...Mexico is gonna pay for it!

Why do the Politsiya (Russian federal agency) always go around in groups of three?

One can read, one can write, and one keeps an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

A political science joke

I got quasi-federal with your mom last night.





It was both a coming together and holding each other federation.

I feel like castrating someone should be a federal offense.

It is male theft after all.

What did the man who blamed his nasal congestion on the federal reserve do in response?

Sudafed

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What do you call it when you give a federal judge a blowjob?

A gag order

Damn girl, are you the wife of a convict serving a long term in a federal penitentiary?

Because you left before I even finished my sentence

I just talked to a furloughed federal employee and told him McConnell might schedule a vote soon to reopen the government. Was there anything he particularly hoped for?

Mitch better have my money.

Me: Hey babe, are you a federal student loan?

Me: hey babe, are you a federal student loan? Because it looks like you have low interest

My date: Yep.

Me: oh

I know federal prosecutors have a 99% conviction rate. But I'm a little nervous.

Because Trump picked his cabinet from the 1%.

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I heard you make a lot of money working at the Federal Reserve...

...too bad the pay is shit

In the latest federal North Korean election, Kim Jung Un won 100% of the vote.

A landslide victory against his sole competitor: "*Or else*".

Why did the 007 movie about the Federal Reserve being robbed flop in theaters?

Because there's just not much interest left in the Bond.

Obama bans hiring bias against ex-cons seeking federal jobs

He was quoted as says, "well, we politicians need somewhere to work after leaving office".

Rudy Giuliani house was searched

So federal investigators searched Giuliano's house today. I thought they would find hair dye, but they didn't. I guess it ran.

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Obama is the first president to visit a federal prison.

Hes also the first black man to be let OUT of a federal prison

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Where does the Federal Reserve hide all of its dirty profits?

In debasement.

I figured out why I’m so tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the w...

100% rock-solid proof that Trump laundered Russian mob money through the Trump Organization:

\[removed by Federal government\]

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Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
a...

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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle...

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll...

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

Why can you find cocaine in every town and city?

It’s federally distributed.

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Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

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Converts

Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.

“I converted out of love,” said the first. “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted...

what's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir,

this is the federal prosecutor's office, informing you that you've been convicted and charged on seven counts of piracy

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

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