Why did the cow want to be an attorney?

For all the moo law

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your child...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains ...

What is a personal injury attorney's favorite seasonal greeting?

Happy Fall

An ancient married couple visits a divorce attorney

"So you want to get divorced? Exactly how long have you been married?" the lawyer asks.

The husband looks out the window and mumbles "72 years".

The lawyer raises his eyebrows and asks "So, uh, why is it that you want to do this?"

The man replies "Because we *hate* each other...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news." he says.

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be r...

The Attorney's Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

An Attorney's Ethical Dilemma

So this young attorney was visiting with his client, an elderly woman, when she gets up to leave, while reaching for her walking cane, a $100 bill falls out of her purse onto the floor and she hobbles out without noticing. So the young attorney is faced with a serious professional ethics dilemma, d...

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

Jack decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone ...

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

A man goes to a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignifid, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.




‟May I help you sir?” she asked.




The man replied,


‟I wan to see Valerie.”




‟S...

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Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.

The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up an...

A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.

"I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."

A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Have...

A Barr Walks Into A Mann.

The Attorney General then apologizes to the Minnesotan Representative.

A dog became a successful lawyer, but has a rivalry with an attorney. One day, the attorney won and the judge threw out the case.

The dog said, "Don't worry, I brought it back to him."

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

A farmer walks into an lawyer’s office wanting to file for divorce

The attorney asks, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them thar dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yeah, I got me about 140 acres.”

The attorney says, “No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?” The farmer sa...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: “The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for a ...

Attorney Checks Out Early

An attorney at the peak of life, and in great physical shape, suddenly drops over dead at the age of 38.

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and immediately asked, "Why did I die so young, surely this is an error?"

St. Peter looks into the Great Book of Life and replies, "Sorry no mistake, ...

Another Lawyer Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and ...

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Divorce Attorney

Squeezing Every Last Drop

Out of Ya


A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A w...

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A guy walks into a bar and shouts "Attorneys are assholes!"

Another guy at the bar walks up to him with a disgusted look on his face and says "I can't believe you just said that, that's one of the most offensive things I've ever heard." The first guy says "Oh I'm sorry, are you an attorney?" The second guy replies "No, I'm an asshole!"

Imagine watching the election to know if you have job tomorrow or not

That’s how it feels like to be Melania’s divorce Attorney

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Mickey Mouse is seeing a divorce attorney.

Attorney: So, if I have this straight, you want a divorce because Minnie is really silly?

Mickey: That is not what I said. I said she is fucking Goofy.

Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."



"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholest...

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

What's a district attorney's favorite meat?

Proseciutto

What did the attorney wear to the courthouse?

A lawsuit.

Attorney: My client is clearly trapped in a penny...

Judge: What?

Attorney: He is in a cent.

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A doctor, an accountant and an attorney all go to a funeral

At the funeral they see people putting money in the casket. So when the doctor steps up, he pulls out $100 and puts it in. Then the accountant steps up, and he puts in $100 as well. The lawyer steps up, pockets the $200 the two men previously deposited, and writes the dead man a check for $300.

My attorney specializes in fine dining...

He's a sue chef.

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What happens when you give an attorney Viagra?

He gets taller.

What's the difference between an attorney and an onion?

You cry when you slice up an onion.

Attorney General Barr released a summary of Jeffrey Epstein's autopsy findings...

They found no evidence of contusion.

A poor man is wrongly accused of murder. He doesn't have the money to pay for an attorney, but he does have a friend who just recently received his lawyer's license.

The lawyer gave him a free trial.

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Did you hear Attorney General William Barr is secretly gay?

A Barr walks into a guy...

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An attorney goes to jail for tax evasion

he his extremely scared and doesn't talk to anyone, he ends up getting a large black man as his cellmate. The black man notices the attorney is scared and strikes up a conversation

"First time?" the black man spoke.

The attorney nodded his head.

"I know how to cheer you up."
...

r/jokes Rich Lawyer on a plane next to philanthropist

Rich lawyer is sitting in first class next to the head of a major charity organization.

Head of said charity takes the opportunity to introduce himself and the cause, but lawyer isn’t interested in giving. No surprise. He’s notoriously rich and not very friendly.

Finally, charity dire...

Bob the Builder: Can we fix it?

Bob's Wife's Attorney: Please, just sign the papers Robert...

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial. The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.

"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"

"No," replied the examiner.

"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's ...

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.

“Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.



“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”



“That...

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An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited.

He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it.

The IRS agent is dumb...

vacationing in the caribbean

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. “I’m here because my house...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so...

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For three years, the young attorney

had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! <...

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

What do attorneys and sperm have in common?

1 out of 3 million has the potential to be a human being

A person in the interrogation room will not speak without his attorney present.

Officer: Sir, y*ou're* the lawyer, don't you know?

Lawyer: Yes, but where's my present?

The attorney tells his accused client, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

What do you call an attorney with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

Rudy Giuliani is such a bad defense attorney that.....

He would have gotten an innocent WHITE man convicted.



Or you could say,



He would have gotten Brock Turner jail time.

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led an attorney, a doctor and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask each if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The attorney wishes to face the sky. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the attor...

CUL8R alligator, with lawyers...

Lawyer I: I'll sue you later, litigator.

Lawyer II: In a while, after the trial.

Lawyer III: Safe journeys, fellow attorneys.

Baby, are you a Caucasian teen with connected parents on trial for DUI manslaughter defended by a high powered attorney?

'Cause you got FINE written all over you.

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could h...

The lawyer and the witness

The lawyer paced before the witness in the stand.

“Would you tell the court at what time the murder occurred?”

The witness tapped her chin, “I think -”

“We aren't interested in what you think,” said the attorney. “We only want the *facts*.”

The witness frowned. “I'll give...

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"

"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

A very old couple is seeking a divorce

The attorney asked: "How long have you been married?"

"60 years" the old man said.
"61!" the old woman corrects him.

"Well why now? Why do you want a divorce"? asks the attorney.

"I've wanted a divorce for at least 50 years" says the old man. "I cannot stand this woman. Ne...

A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office

Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double.
The man asks for his first wish.
"The first thing I want is a million dollars."
The genie says, "Okay, but you ...

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-ified. "So naturally when I am hom...

A man gets a call from a divorce attorney

He says "I'm with your wife right now. She's taking all of it."

The man says, "Pssh. There's nothing to take!"

The attorney replies, "nine inches isn't nothing."

As a defense attorney for ED malpractice suits, I had a terrific strategy. . .

but it didn't stand up in court.

What do attorneys wear to court?

Lawsuits!

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Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

How does an attorney go to sleep?

First he lies on one side, then the other!!

Apparently Aaron Hernandez misunderstood his attorney when his lawyer told him to...

hang in there

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A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining together at the country club.

The conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary, and a wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The doctor offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was to...

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my fr...

Why are there no Irish attorneys?

None of them can pass the Bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An asexual lawyer

Otherwise known as an ace attorney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge: First offender?

Attorney: No, your honor. First a Gibson. Then a Fender.

The other day, I got bitten by a radioactive lawyer...

...I now have the power of attorney.

My wife's parents are both attorneys.

I hate it when the at-laws come to visit.

THE POPE AND A ATTORNEY ARE AT THE ELEVATOR

The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.
When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply sadd...

Did any news come out of Attorney General Jeff Sessions testimony?

“I don’t recall.”

I'm an attorney working on my fifth freelance project.

That guy really needs to stop getting arrested.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?

An offer you can't understand.

Attorney General

The attorney general decides to hold a contest to see which organization is the best at policing. SO he gets the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD together, and tells them "I've released a rabbit into the wilderness, find it, and bring it to me." So the FBI goes in, and two hours later, they come out, and ...

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