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Council Jokes

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

A council worker is digging holes, while another worker immediately fills them in.

A man is watching two council workers busy in a local park. One digs a hole, moves a couple of meters and digs another hole, and so on. The other worker follows the first, immediately filling in all the holes the first worker has dug.

The man watching is furious, and approaches them saying,...

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A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

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I just saw a council worker squash a Snail under his boot.

I asked him "what the fuck did you do that for?"

He replied "I'm sick to death of him following me around all day".

A judge calls opposing council into his chambers . . .

. . . and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".

The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.

"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given ...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

Why does Yoda have the best seat on the Jedi Council?

He gets a seat next to a Windu.

I was intrigued because I'd always wondered - so I asked a local council general labourer filling potholes in the road "Do you dig graves?"

He said "Well - they're ok, I suppose"

The head of our city council can never decide on anything..

They don't call him Mayor Maynot for nothing.

My local council decided to build road signs saying "Avoid Distractions".

There's been an increase in car accidents ever since.

I called the local council and asked if I could have a skip outside my house.

The lady replied, "mate you can do cartwheels and handstands for all I care"

- For those not in the UK, a skip is like a dumpster

I was talking to a council worker the other day and I asked him "What's it like working for the council?

"Oh you know you have good days and bad days."

"Swings and roundabouts I suppose"

"Yeah sometimes we fill potholes as well."

There was a street in my town named after Chuck Norris but the council had to rename it.

Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives

An Englishman is sat on a park bench in Dublin watching 2 council workers.

One of them digs a hole, then they both lean on their shovels and look at it for a minute or two. Then the second one fills the hole in and they move on a few meters and repeat the process.

After he's watched them do this 4-5 times the Englishman goes up and asked them what they're doing.
...

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

It's official, the City Council has approved the removal of all u-turns in town.

There's no turning back now.

What do you call a council of Emo's?

A cutting board.

The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs

It will be a High Council

City council wanted to demolish the local clown museum.

They couldn't because it's a hysterical landmark.

In an attempt to reduce congestion, my local council removed traffic lights at all crossroads...

bit of a roundabout way of doing things, don't you think?

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New Monk

A man joins a monastery and is told he will have to take a vow of silence, and can only speak two words to the High Council every ten years on a special holy day.

He agrees, and spends ten years in contemplation. On the holy day he is seated before the council and says "Food bland". And goes ...

Our local council said they are going to get all the coins out of the wishing well and put them into a balloon.

Talk about getting everyone's hopes up.

Anakin Skywalker walks into a Taco Bell, and is shocked to find his master Yoda behind the counter

He asks what the Jedi master is doing there, to which he replies "Pay well, Jedi council does not. Work two jobs, I must." Fair enough, thinks Anakin. He orders his food, and reaches into his pocket to pay, when Yoda asks, "A beverage, would you like with that?" "Ok," says Anakin, "what do you recom...

A minister of a church meets with the church council

A minister of a church meets with the church council

The council says, “These are dire times. The church only has $5 million and we need about $10 million to survive”.

They all sit quietly, looking sad about this news. The minister then gets up and leaves the room.

The minister ...

In an effort to create a more traditional vibe for our downtown, I proposed bringing in some gas lighting.

The city council called me crazy and said they already talked about this last meeting.

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Why did Campbell's CEO Denise Morrison leave Trump's Business Council?

She didn't want to become known as The Soup Nazi.

The National Shredded Cheese Council just endorsed Donald Trump for president...

They're ready to make America grate again.

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

Did you hear what the Jedi council said about Mustafar?

They called it a Sith hole.

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Why is the vagina located so close to the anus?

Because it was designed by city council. Who else would put a play area so close to a dumping ground?

My wife said I make love like a painter.

What like Da Vinci I said. Smooth strokes, attention to detail, resulting in masterpiece?

No, she said. Like a council painter. You rush the job, leave mess everywhere and I end up having to finish it myself.

The Council want a new monument built in a park and put the job out to tender, they get 3 offers ...

The council officer calls in the first tender, who offers to do the job for £3k, when asked about the breakdown the council are advised 'It's 1K for me 1K for my crew and 1K for materials.

The second tender then comes in and offers to do the job for £6k, advising It's 2k for me, 2k for my cre...

A joke my granddad once told me.

I always loved this one, my granddad told it to me years ago. Still one of my favourites.



An elderly woman wakes one morning and looks out of her bedroom window. Across the road she sees two men from the local council office slowly making their way up the grassy embankment at the side...

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

When I was a kid I wanted to be a fantasy writer

So when I became an adult I joined the UN's security council.

On earth: A magician puts his hand in his hat.

In the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. It is time. The rabbit council must choose another sacrifice.

Knocked off my bike



I got knocked off my bike by a council salt lorry tonight.


“You effin’ idiot” I growled, through gritted teeth.

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Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

What’s the small box on the back of a satellite dish called?

A council flat.

Three kids are outdoing each other bragging about their fathers....

First kid says: My dad is the fastest. He’s a drag racer and can do a quarter mile in 9.6 seconds

Second kid says: That’s nothing! My dad is a fighter pilot and regularly breaks the speed of sound.

Third kid says: My dad is heaps faster than both your dads. He’s a Council Worker. ...

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

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The Psychiatrist and Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not ...

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3 guys walk into a bar...

3 guys walk into the bar, and soon begin a competition.

The first man says, "I have small arms, I bet I have the smallest arms in the world!"

The second man carries on, "I have tiny feet, I bet I have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third man stands up proudly, and announce...

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

3 Boys At School Discussing Who's Father Was The Fastest.

Billy said my father has a big stock whip. He can crack it and grab the end.

Tommy that is nothing. My father owns a huge rifle. He fires it and can catch the bullet.

Oh said Johnny. Your father's are slow. My father works on the council. He finishes work at 4.00 pm and he is home a...

A classic reimagined...

A 120 year old grandfather goes to the doctor for his physical and says he's feeling great. "So great, in fact, I got my girlfriend pregnant!" he proudly boasts to the doctor.

"Let me tell you a story." the doctor says. "A man went for a walk in the woods whereupon he encountered a bear, who...

Saudi Arabia...

...is on the United Nations Human Rights Council.

A large sinkhole opens up on a small town road.

Many people fall into it and get hurt and it's difficult to get them all to the hospital.

The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree....

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

Retraction

The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."

A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump...

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump, so I approached him and said, “Don’t jump!”



And he said, “I’ve got nothing to live for and no one cares about me in the slightest.”



So I replied, “You’re forgetting about God.”



The man s...

What do Scientologists call a meeting of their top members?

The Council of L. Ron

Farmer John

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time
went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so
heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being
run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer John called the local police station to complain,
"You...

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A Man In Court

A man has just been found guilty by the jury. The judge asks him "do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"

"Fuck all," says the defendant.

The judge asks his defence council "what did he say?"

"He said 'fuck all' your honour."

The judge replies "are you sure, ...

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i took almost 2 weeks...

The mayor wanted to get more townspeople to attend the city council meetings. one council member suggested a hypnotist. Everyone thought it was a good idea.
A few weeks later, the town hall was packed and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist took out a pocket watch and began to chant,...

An American tourist in Ireland...

An American tourist is on holiday for a few weeks in country Ireland.

On his second day he has to cash a cheque at a bank so he goes to the bank on the high street.

While waiting in line he looks out the window & notices 2 irish council workers going up 1 side of the street, then t...

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

I don't think any other job sees as many erections as mine...

I work with planning permission at the council.

P.S. I made this one, kinda funny I suppose

Jhingalala

Two explorers in a jungle were caught by fierce tribe for encroaching their sacred land. The first guy was brought before the high council and given an option jhingalala or death. He chose the first option. All the men of the tribe took turns screwing him till he lay crumpled at the end of the ordea...

A new nun goes to confession....

She is greeted by father John.

Father John: What would you like to confess today

Nun: I am so embarrassed, today I looked at a married man and I wanted to kiss him.

Father John: this is wrong but you are being honest and you understand you have sinned. Please offer 10 Hail Ma...

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High School on Valentine's Day

A high school thought it might be a fun activity to let the teenagers cut out paper hearts, put the name or wish of their valentine on the card anonymously, and hang them on a chainlink fence at the entrance of the school. Of course someone had to take them all off afterwards. So the day following V...

A lawyer is about to go home for the night...

...when a client shows up, asking for his council. The lawyer decides to stay late and work with the client. Afterwards, the client asks how much he owes for the lawyer's time.
"One hundred dollars," the lawyer responds.

The client pays him and walks out, at which point the lawyer realiz...

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a land called Tridonia, full of healthy, happy, prosperous Trids. Their wise king ruled for decades until a dark shadow fell across their valley, for a giant had entered their land and stood in front of the Sun. Weeks passed and the giant wouldn't move. The crops began to...

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WWII era Soviet joke

In the middle of Stalin's war council Marshall Zhukov storms out of the room, muttering "The moustached tyrant went utterly batshit" to himself. Head of NKVD Lavrentiy Beria hears him and immediately repeats what he heard to Stalin.

Stalin calls Zhukov back and asks who did he mean.

"...

A citizen was cited for a tax investigation in the IRS.

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.


-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.

When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:

-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'


Confused, t...

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A woman is in bed with a man she shouldn't be with

Her husband is away on a business trip. Suddenly she hears the sound of the front door opening, her husband is back earlier than she expected.

"Quick! Hide in the bathroom!", she says to the man in her bed, he scampers off quickly.

The husband walks into the bedroom and sees his wife ...

A Texas man asked his wife on their golden anniversary: Have you ever cheated on me in our 50 years together?

So a Texas man asked his wife on their golden anniversary: Have you ever cheated on me on our 50 years together?

His wife answers: Remember that time you wen to take a loan from the bank to buy our house, but they didn't give you one then suddenly the ban's CEO personally came and gave you th...

King ordered his Minister to find 5 idiots

A King of a Kingdom called his Prime Minister and asked, like there are Brilliant people in his State will there be Idiots available?.

Minister said there will be.

King then ordered his Minister to go around the State search and bring 5 of such Idiots and present to him in the Council...

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