If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Ah, this one got me good :D

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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

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What is a pansexual's guilty pleasure activity?

Washing the dishes.

A man was found guilty of murdering his parents

He asked the judge for leniency because he was an orphan.

Roger Stone has been found guilty on all counts

He faces minutes, maybe an hour, in prison.

I was found not guilty of lying in court.

That’s per the judge not perjury.

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

I feel guilty for having survived our school shooting.

However, this is probably what's to be expected if the others have no guns.

Which US president was the least guilty?

Lincoln, because he was in a cent

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

How do judges learn who's guilty and who's not?

By trial and error.

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

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So a doctor is sitting around after just having had sex with one of his patients and he’s feeling pretty guilty about it.

To make himself feel better he thinks “my other doctor friends have sex with their patients. Yeah, it’s not so bad.” He starts to feel a little better, but he thinks about it a little longer... and he thinks “but then again, my other doctor friends aren’t veterinarians..”

Feel old yet?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Amy

"My name is Amy. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his ...

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A 95 year old man was founded not guilty of sexual assault...

He was however arraigned with charges of assault with a dead weapon

[NSFW] Why are black prisoners afraid of white prisoners?

Because if he white and he there, he guilty.

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic offence and when she asked what her job was, she said she was a teacher.

Judge: Ma'am, I have waited years for a teacher to appear before this court. Now sit down and write: "I will not run a red light 500 times."

A man is in court, when the judge asks, "On the 3rd of August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty." said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted, "You dirty rat!"

The judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.

The judge continued, "And that also on the 17th of September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a ...

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

Lindsey was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... it was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

...

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A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court...

Man in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Judge says to the defendant, We find you not guilty: The guy then replies, does this mean I get to keep the money?

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A man walks into the pub bathroom...

He notices a dwarf by the urinal. The dwarf appears to be drunk as hell as he's swaying and seems to be making an effort not to puke. The man goes to the urinal and does what he came here to do.

As he turns to go to the sink and wash his hands the dwarf splutters:
\- Hey... hey you!
<...

Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty?

It was the judge’s Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord

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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

A little girl goes up to a preacher one day to confess her sins

"I believe I am guilty of the sin of vanity," the girl told the preacher.

To which the preacher responds "Why do you think that."

The girl tells him "Well every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am"

Then the preacher tells the girl "Oh don't ...

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.

A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first guy out bangs his head on the doorframe" Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film la...

What's the difference between.....

What's the difference between an innocent man and a guilty one?

About $3,000,000 in attorney fees.

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

Thw detective knew immediately which ballerina was the killer.

Because guilty feet have got no rhythm.

George Michael would make a pretty good Fremen.

Guilty feet have got no rhythm.

^^^^^Yes ^^^^^I ^^^^^am ^^^^^a ^^^^^complete ^^^^^nerd, ^^^^^stop ^^^^^looking ^^^^^at ^^^^^me ^^^^^like ^^^^^that.

A serial killer plead guilty to homicide

after being asked by the judge why he would kill, the serial killer responded,

"It fills me with energy."

He was charged with murder.

A man was found guilty of electrifying a guy to his death.

The charge was quite severe.

So I went to a courtroom for a trial

Judge: State your name

Me: Not Guilty

Judge: What?

Me: I had it legally changed.

Judge: You're Not Guilty?

Me: \*moonwalks the hell out of there\*

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

A lawyer asks his client if she is guilty because he's in love with her.

"I'm just trying to get you off," he says, hopefully not for the last time.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

Two Problems

MAN: Doctor, I have two problems I’d like to talk to you about.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Yes. Go on.

MAN: Whenever I’m not working I feel guilty.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Ah? Well then you may be a workaholic. But let’s proceed. What is your second problem?

MAN: I have a lot of guilt.

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

[salem witch trials]

**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?

**woman:** It's misdirection!

**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?

**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

Prostitution Noun :/ˌprɒstɪˈtʃuːʃn

The arcane female art of getting money out of men while at the same time making them feel guilty for giving it to you.

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying...

He-ing and She-ing

He-ing and she-ing

A preacher was addressing his congregation.

“It has come to my attention that some of you have been he-ing and she-ing! We don’t need that kind of sinning in this church. Any guilty of this sin just get out!”

Half of the congregation gets up and leaves.
<...

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Did you hear they ended up ruling the courtroom masturbator not guilty?

Apparently he got off on a technicality.

Saddam Hussein was found Guilty in a Court of Law

but he was given a suspended sentence

A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him

Guilty as charged

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The guilty man asks the judge

"What if I said you you're a son of a bitch?"
"I'd imprison you for lifetime", said the judge.
"What if I thought you're a son of a bitch?"
"You are free to think anything. I can't do anything."
"In that case", the man said, "I think you're a son of a bitch".

The priest's missing bicycle

A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining:

\- Someone stole my bicycle!

The wise mayor responded:

\- Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach "Thou shalt no...

The problem with one-night stands is all the questions afterwards.

Like "do you plead guilty?"

A mathematician was found not-guilty of murdering his wife

even though his fingerprints were found on the murder-weapon.

The judge had to let him go because of the mathematician's argument which stated that "As I am the 'prime' suspect of the murder, I can't possibly be the 'one' to kill her".

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

My Client Is Not Guilty.

Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny

Judge: What Do You Mean?

Lawyer: He's In A Cent.

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As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

The Bulgarian Train Conductor

Most kids want to become a firefighter or astronaut when they’re older. This man, however, really wanted to become a train conductor. Unfortunately, he gets the job and he loves it. But one particular day, he’s enjoying his job a little too much. He’s driving too fast and accidentally derails the tr...

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it ...

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Love is when you feel guilty about watching porn

Just kidding, love is when you search what they look like in the hopes you'll find a lookalike porn star!

Why are earthquakes always found guilty?

Because they are at fault

A man is caught licking the outside of a tavern.

A police officer asks him what he's doing.

"Waitin' to get arrested, officer," he slurs. "If I'm gonna get charged with something, I wanna deserve it."

"What are you talking about?" the officer replies.

"I've been arrested 3 times this month, and I've agreed with the charges of...

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

I asked don’t you feel guilty that you stole his joke...

...he said no, it’s all Karma.

How can you tell if someone is rich in America

When the verdict comes back not guilty

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A ship wrecks onto a deserted island.

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.

After a few days of sex, they feel guilty abou...

Spanish inn owner

A nice young man by the name of Pablo was a physician. As just a little side job he also ran an inn/motel. Sadly one night the entire place burnt to the ground, and Pablo had just taken out a large insurance policy. So after suspicion of insurance fraud and arsony Pablo is taken to court. In front o...

A man goes to court after murdering both parents

Judge: You are guilty for killing your parents. How do you plead?

Man: Guilty

Judge: I sentence you to thir...

Man: (In tears) Please Sir, don't be too harsh. You know I'm an orphan

How do you get pikachu onto a bus?

Pokemon...


Sorry, I heard this today and had a guilty chuckle.

Who's guilty here?

A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"

Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

Drunk On A Bus

A very drunk man gets on a bus and stumbles into the seat next to a priest. His tie is stained, his face is covered in lipstick smears and a half full bottle of scotch is sticking out his coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and starts to read, but after a few minutes turns to the priest and a...

A man was found guilty of raping a young boy

I guess you could say he had made a cardinal error.

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Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

A nun stands on the side of the road with her thumb sticking out

A man driving solo in his car decides to pick the nun up, assuming she is hitchhiking. She climbs into the car, and says to the man “John’s convent.” The man agrees, and begins driving to Saint Johns convent, across town.

After a while, the man turns to the nun, and says, “sister, it has al...

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches.

When the case gets to court and she is found guilty, the judge decides to make an example of her.

'How many peaches were in that can that you stole?' He asked.

'Six' she said, with tears of remorse in her eyes.

'Then you are hereby sentenced to six months in prison. One month fo...

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A man is found guilty & sent to prison

He's a slight man, with a short, thin, scrawny frame, & the prison assigns him to a cell with a 6'8" 325lb muscular man named Tyrone who looks absolutely terrifying.

The new inmate avoids looking at his frightening cellmate, so Tyrone decides to break the ice and in a very intimidating vo...

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A man gets a blow job from a woman at work.

Feeling guilty, he runs to the nearest church looking to confess his sins. He checks the confessional but the priest is nowhere to be found. He sees an alter boy and thinks maybe he’ll know what punishment the priest usually gives for infidelity.

He approaches the alter boy and says “Hey ki...

A lawyer wanted to buy an apartment for his family, but kept being denied by landlords because he had 8 kids.

People keep telling him to lie about how many kids he has, but being a lawyer, he feels too guilty to lie. One day, however, he decides that enough is enough. He tells his wife to take the 7 younger kids with her and go to the cemetery. He then takes the oldest kid and brings him to visit a new apar...

I was screwing my mistress in my marital bed when she got all guilty and weepy and insisted that we come clean.

So I finished her off in the shower.

(I figure things will be all back to normal after I work out where to stash her body.)

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

As an American and a runner, I love the metric system.

I can quit at 3.11 miles without feeling guilty

A guilty neighbor . . .

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I ...

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Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two

"See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looki...

“Where’s your bicycle, Father?"

... I asked the parish priest. It was the first time I had seen him walking in years!

“Don’t know, I think it might have been stolen, but I'll know for sure on Sunday” he replied. “At my next sermon I will go through the Ten Commandments. When I get to ‘thou shalt not steal’ I'll be watching...

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A Man was Found Guilty of Premature Ejaculation

He got off easy

So there's a guy that works driving trains in Bulgaria...

and he is a reckless driver, killing 1 person in the wreck. he goes to court, and is found guilty and gets put to the electric chair. Now, in Bulgaria, if the electric chair doesn't harm you, then it is a sign of godly intervention. requesting 1 banana for his last meal, he goes on the electric chai...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

Why was Lorena Bobbitt found not guilty?

Because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court...

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Thor hasn't had sex in a while...

It's been a long time. Thor decides he needs to get off.

And human chicks are hot.

So he visits Earth. Goes to a bar, meets a girl. With his God of Thunder good looks, his adventurous and supernatural stories, and the confidence of, well, an actual deity, she falls for him instantly....

I feel guilty about this parasite I ingested.

It's been eating me up inside.

A depressed man walks into a lawyer’s office...

“I’ve been accused of stealing!” he exclaims. “They day I stole canned ham from the back of a delivery truck. But I’m innocent!”
“Alright,” the defense attorney says. “I’ll take your case. But it’ll cost you $5000.”
“I’ll pay you $2500 now, and pay the rest after the trial,” the man says.
...

A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors backyard.

The neighbor would come over, banging on the door,screaming,"Your dog has been in my yard again,digging holes and scaring my rabbit."
"I'm real sorry about that neighbor, I'll try to keep him penned up."
"Next time,as God as my witness, I'll shoot that dog of yours,"and his neighbor storms off...

(OC) A man is on trial for sleeping with his sister.

The prosecutor feels it should be an airtight case and tries as hard as he can to organize enough damning evidence as possible to put the perv away for a long time. The trial begins and it is obviously a disturbing proceeding, but there is a shadow of a doubt to whether the man is guilty or innocent...

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A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

My wife felt guilty

I found her using a vibrator. She said she was denying me my pleasure. She's using the batteries from the remote

A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle. One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to *Thou Shalt Not Steal,* really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his...

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