If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Ah, this one got me good :D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical...

I am appealing.

Which US president was the least guilty?

Lincoln, because he was in a cent

A man is in court, when the judge asks, "On the 3rd of August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty." said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted, "You dirty rat!"

The judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.

The judge continued, "And that also on the 17th of September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a ...

A woman was found guilty in court of a traffic offence and when she asked what her job was, she said she was a teacher.

Judge: Ma'am, I have waited years for a teacher to appear before this court. Now sit down and write: "I will not run a red light 500 times."

I feel guilty for having survived our school shooting.

However, this is probably what's to be expected if the others have no guns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 95 year old man was founded not guilty of sexual assault...

He was however arraigned with charges of assault with a dead weapon

A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him

Guilty as charged

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

A serial killer plead guilty to homicide

after being asked by the judge why he would kill, the serial killer responded,

"It fills me with energy."

He was charged with murder.

A man was found guilty of electrifying a guy to his death.

The charge was quite severe.

How do judges learn who's guilty and who's not?

By trial and error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a doctor is sitting around after just having had sex with one of his patients and he’s feeling pretty guilty about it.

To make himself feel better he thinks “my other doctor friends have sex with their patients. Yeah, it’s not so bad.” He starts to feel a little better, but he thinks about it a little longer... and he thinks “but then again, my other doctor friends aren’t veterinarians..”

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

You know he's guilty.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

A lawyer asks his client if she is guilty because he's in love with her.

"I'm just trying to get you off," he says, hopefully not for the last time.

They say you are what you eat.

But when I kill and eat and innocent man, I am guilty of murder and cannibalism?

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason...

and are sentenced to beheading by guillotine.

On the day of the triple execution, they are brought to be beheaded. The priest blesses the execution, saying all is done in God's name, and the King orders the three executed.

The mathematician is to be killed first, and the executioner gi...

Did you hear about the Honda employee who was found not guilty?

It was the judge’s Civic duty to let him leave on his own Accord

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear they ended up ruling the courtroom masturbator not guilty?

Apparently he got off on a technicality.

Saddam Hussein was found Guilty in a Court of Law

but he was given a suspended sentence

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The guilty man asks the judge

"What if I said you you're a son of a bitch?"
"I'd imprison you for lifetime", said the judge.
"What if I thought you're a son of a bitch?"
"You are free to think anything. I can't do anything."
"In that case", the man said, "I think you're a son of a bitch".

A mathematician was found not-guilty of murdering his wife

even though his fingerprints were found on the murder-weapon.

The judge had to let him go because of the mathematician's argument which stated that "As I am the 'prime' suspect of the murder, I can't possibly be the 'one' to kill her".

My Client Is Not Guilty.

Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny

Judge: What Do You Mean?

Lawyer: He's In A Cent.

Who's guilty here?

A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"

Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

Why are earthquakes always found guilty?

Because they are at fault

A man was found guilty of raping a young boy

I guess you could say he had made a cardinal error.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Love is when you feel guilty about watching porn

Just kidding, love is when you search what they look like in the hopes you'll find a lookalike porn star!

Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is found guilty & sent to prison

He's a slight man, with a short, thin, scrawny frame, & the prison assigns him to a cell with a 6'8" 325lb muscular man named Tyrone who looks absolutely terrifying.

The new inmate avoids looking at his frightening cellmate, so Tyrone decides to break the ice and in a very intimidating vo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

Why was Lorena Bobbitt found not guilty?

Because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court...

A little girl goes up to a preacher one day to confess her sins

"I believe I am guilty of the sin of vanity," the girl told the preacher.

To which the preacher responds "Why do you think that."

The girl tells him "Well every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am"

Then the preacher tells the girl "Oh don't ...

I was screwing my mistress in my marital bed when she got all guilty and weepy and insisted that we come clean.

So I finished her off in the shower.

(I figure things will be all back to normal after I work out where to stash her body.)

There was a man who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

I asked don’t you feel guilty that you stole his joke...

...he said no, it’s all Karma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man was Found Guilty of Premature Ejaculation

He got off easy

A guilty neighbor . . .

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I ...

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

I feel guilty about this parasite I ingested.

It's been eating me up inside.

My wife felt guilty

I found her using a vibrator. She said she was denying me my pleasure. She's using the batteries from the remote

A 54-year-old man feels guilty about cheating on his wife so he leaves her a note, "I've been sleeping with a girl 1/3 my age."

The woman finds his note and leaves him one of her own:

"I know you've been sleeping with an 18-year-old, but so have I. Since you like math so much, 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18."

Guilty

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait...

Will Smith was found guilty of murder.

Investigators say they found fresh prints at the scene.

Prostitution Noun :/ˌprɒstɪˈtʃuːʃn

The arcane female art of getting money out of men while at the same time making them feel guilty for giving it to you.

Did you hear the one about the train conductor who pled not guilty by insanity?

He had a real loco motive

Why did the jury decide Ester was not guilty?

Because Ester is in a scent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

A mouth full of seamen.

Judge: Are you guilty?

Prisoner: I don't know. I haven't heard the evidence yet.

The priest's missing bicycle

A smalltown priest went to the mayor, complaining:

\- Someone stole my bicycle!

The wise mayor responded:

\- Fear not! There is an easy way to find it. All you need to do is to read the ten commandment in front of the whole congregation next Sunday. When you reach "Thou shalt no...

The problem with one-night stands is all the questions afterwards.

Like "do you plead guilty?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

Am I guilty of being romantic? You be the judge.

A bottle of champagne on ice, sweet love songs playing in the background, a trail of rose petals lead to a bed on which I'm lying naked. The bedroom door slowly opens and I whisper those three special words....
Happy Birthday Dad.

Spanish inn owner

A nice young man by the name of Pablo was a physician. As just a little side job he also ran an inn/motel. Sadly one night the entire place burnt to the ground, and Pablo had just taken out a large insurance policy. So after suspicion of insurance fraud and arsony Pablo is taken to court. In front o...

Not guilty

Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying...

I'm a little sick and tired of people always saying that at one time or another, every single American president is guilty of something...

I mean, what about Lincoln?! After all, he's in a cent...

A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which...

What do you call a cat that's guilty of infidelity?

A cheetah

A man is caught licking the outside of a tavern.

A police officer asks him what he's doing.

"Waitin' to get arrested, officer," he slurs. "If I'm gonna get charged with something, I wanna deserve it."

"What are you talking about?" the officer replies.

"I've been arrested 3 times this month, and I've agreed with the charges of...

A nun stands on the side of the road with her thumb sticking out

A man driving solo in his car decides to pick the nun up, assuming she is hitchhiking. She climbs into the car, and says to the man “John’s convent.” The man agrees, and begins driving to Saint Johns convent, across town.

After a while, the man turns to the nun, and says, “sister, it has al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"

The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."

A man goes to court after murdering both parents

Judge: You are guilty for killing your parents. How do you plead?

Man: Guilty

Judge: I sentence you to thir...

Man: (In tears) Please Sir, don't be too harsh. You know I'm an orphan

After being found guilty of massive tax fraud and sentenced to 30 years in prison, a world renowned clairvoyant used his short stature to escape and is currently on the run from authorities.

The headlines read 'Small Medium at Large'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend called me feeling really guilty,

He said "I feel really horrible, I had a dream last night that I cheated on my wife with a porn star and we had really nasty dirty sex." "Wow," I said, "Who was the porn star?" he looked at the floor and said "Ron Jeremy."

How can you tell if someone is rich in America

When the verdict comes back not guilty

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty to the charge of premeditated murder

Frankly I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it ...

How do you get pikachu onto a bus?

Pokemon...


Sorry, I heard this today and had a guilty chuckle.

The Bulgarian Train Conductor

Most kids want to become a firefighter or astronaut when they’re older. This man, however, really wanted to become a train conductor. Unfortunately, he gets the job and he loves it. But one particular day, he’s enjoying his job a little too much. He’s driving too fast and accidentally derails the tr...

Drunk On A Bus

A very drunk man gets on a bus and stumbles into the seat next to a priest. His tie is stained, his face is covered in lipstick smears and a half full bottle of scotch is sticking out his coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and starts to read, but after a few minutes turns to the priest and a...

Guilty and Depression!

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.