Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

My friend went to prison for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help?

"I'll be right there, just hang on for a minute."

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

So my twin brother called me from prison

He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

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A man escapes from prison

where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's ...

I've been thrown in prison for telling dad jokes...

Turns out I wasn't authorised, as I'm not a dad.


But don't worry, I'll be seeking a pa-role.

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so ...

Today, I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself, “That’s a little condescending”

So I’m In Prison And I Don’t Even Know Why

All I did was board a plane and I saw my old friend Jack so I yelled “ Hi, Jack!”

Two people are walking by a prison, when they hear a sound coming from up above them.

They look up, startled, and see a prisoner, who they notice is a little-person, scaling the outer wall, escaping. The prisoner reaches the top of the wall, starts down the other side, then looks at the two people and scowls at them. "That is rude, don't you think?" asks one of them. The other rep...

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

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[OC] What's the similarity between cycling and prison ?

Your ass gets used to it after a couple of months.

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

What did Harvey Dent do after he got out of prison?

He became a dentist...

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

A death row prisoner found himself in the heaven after his death.

He asked the god,"Do all executed prisoners go to heaven?"

The god replied,"No,but all organ donors will go to heaven."

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones

that's why it's called a "cell" phone.

What do you call a 4'11" fortune teller that has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

In prison I learned from mexicans

That "Jesus loves you" means something different.

So I got a phone call from my twin brother in prison.

He said: “you remember how we would always finish each other’s sentences?”

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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A guy is sentenced to prison

On his first day, he is very anxious because of the stories he heard.

At showering time, a big tattooed guy comes over, lays his hand on his shoulder and tells him:

"Okay, so here is how this goes. Every new guy will get fucked by an older inmate on his first day here. But I'm leaving ...

If you get your period in prison

Is that the end of your sentence?

Lady Gaga Performed at the Prison today.

Might I say that the Audience were Captivated.

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

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Why'd they throw the cat in prison?

It was caught looking at kitty porn

Why didn't Jeffrey Epstein high five the prison officer?

He tends to leave people hanging.

An entire prison was facing electricity outage for a year.

The inmates were getting very frustrated at the lack of power supply in the prison. No matter what the Jailer tried he couldn't solve the issue.

One day, the jailer realised that there was a thief named Joanna who duped people of their money and who had the reputation of being very smart had ...

Three KGB inspectors decide visit a Siberian prison

They decide to check on three young prisioners who started working recently but were put in prison, and ask them some questions.

The first inspector asks the first prisoner:"How did you get in here?

He answers:"For the past week my clock would wake me up early so I came into work early...

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Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

Judge: I hereby send you to prison for 20 years.

Me: Your Honour couldn't you consider shortening the sentence.
Judge: I send you to prison for 20 years.

What did Freddie Mercury say when he got sent to prison?

"I want to break free!"

My stuttering grandpa died in prison today...

He couldn't finish his sentence

Why was the prison writing contest canceled?

The warden decided that there were too many cons and not enough prose

Which scientific technique prepares you the best for prison?

Cell culture.

Today I found out that the prison where Jeffery Epstein was kept didn’t have a suicide for 2 decades...

...and counting!

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

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3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

6ix9ine will escape prison no matter what.

Because mumle rappers never finish their sentence

It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

What’s the deal with prisons and starting with the letter A...

I mean Alcatraz, Azkaban, Australia and Auschwitz.

What's a prison guard's favorite game?

Hangman

How mathematicians escape from prison

How mathematicians escape from the prison:

Mathematicians: let's say there is a door...

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When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

My brother-in-law died in prison because he was a mitochondriac.

He suffered from the mistaken belief that he was the powerhouse of the cell.

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Sarah got into prison for 2 weeks.

When she's was finally got expelled from prison her mother came to pick her up.

"Sarah, my dear. How was prison? Hope it wasn't too bad. I've got the whole day off to spend on some quality mother daughter time. What would you like to do first."

\- "Could we go to the mall please?"
...

What's the easiest way to get a mobile phone into a prison?

Charge one with battery.

When I was in prison, they used to call me 'Boils'...

Cuz' I was always breakin' out.

Jokes in Prison

A man gets convicted of a crime and is sent to jail. When he gets to the cafeteria, something weird is happening. He hears random numbers being shouted out, followed by uproarious laughter, so he asks the guy next to him what's going on. Fellow says, "Well, you see, we've all been in here for so lon...

What do you call a prison guard who is responsible for a high profile inmate?

Asleep apparently.

Prison Escape.

I was driving past my state’s penitentiary the other day when I noticed a little person climbing down the wall to escape.

I thought to myself, “huh, that’s a little condescending.”

What did the Time-cop say to his prisoner?

If you can't do the crime time, don't do the time crime.

Why did the picture go to prison?

Because it was framed!

What do you call a snobby prisoner going down a flight if stairs?

A condescending Con descending.


Bad pun, I know.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

What’s the difference between being in prison and playing on a basketball team?

On a basketball team, your guards won’t leave you hanging.

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The other day, a bunch of prostitutes played tug of war with some prisoners. Somehow, the prostitutes won.

I guess the pros outweighed the cons.

What did the prisoner say after being tortured on the rack?

I feel like I be long here.

I spent a week straight in prison.

The sentence lasted for a month.

I met this girl while I was in prison.

She’s my Guantanamo Bae.

The new guy is settling in his prison cell...

When all of a sudden, one of the prisoners yells:

"83!!!!"

And every prisoner starts laughing. The new guy looks at his cell mate and asks what's going on. So his cell mate explains

"Since we always tell the same jokes, we just refer to them by number to save time."

Then ...

My local prison started a program where inmates get together once a week to read poetry

they're calling it "Prose and Cons"

Tomorrow I have to pick up my mate from prison, the idiot got caught stealing a calendar.

It was alright, he only got 12 months.

TIL in 2015 three inmates from a maximum security prison beat Harvard’s debate team.

With their fists.

Why did the toucan go to prison?

He was puffin the herb.

A Prisoner is digging a tunnel out of prison

He is slowly making progress day by day, but with just a spoon for a shovel it seems like an impossible task.

After numerous years of blood and sweat, he finally manages to reach the surface outside of the prison grounds.

He is overwhelmed with happiness and the thought of finally bein...

A man gets off the prison bus

A man gets arrested and is getting off the prison bus

As soon as he gets inside the walls the biggest inmate in there backs him into a corner

Inmate says "alright, this is going to happen either way, the only choice I'm gonna give you, spit or no spit"

The man, shaking and sweat...

What do you call a prison cell with a quarter, penny, and a dime in it?

A Nicolas Cage.

A prisoner is showering when all of a sudden four guys surround him.

He tries to leave but they won't let him. They tell him "don't worry, it won't be all of us". Panicking, in the hopes of scaring them away, he blurts out that he has AIDS. The guys back up, and thank him for letting them know. Then they turn to the guy on the end and say "Frank, you're good".

A bull was sent to prison for violently running into a man and killing him

Guilty as charged

A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.

The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.

The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.

That night the inmates are calling out numbers...

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A masochist and a sadist are sitting in a prison cell

The masochist begs to the sadist “Please! Torture me!”

The sadist looks at the masochist and says, “No.”

A cement mixer collided with a prison van...

Police warn to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

I wonder if Jared from Subway is still staying trim in prison...

I mean he’s still probably getting a foot-long everyday

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

Overweight convict escaped from prison last night,

still at large.

It's 1976 and a man walks onto the Red Square and screams "Brezhnev is a idiot!" He is immediately arrested and given 15 years in prison

5 for sedition

10 for revealing a state secret

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An Englishman, Scottish man And Irish man are being sent to prison for life

But the judge says as a small act of kindness you can each take one item to prison with you to make it a little more bearable.

In Prison they show each other what they got.

The Englishman “I got these fine cigars so I can spend the evening smoking and thinking”

The Scottish man...

Paid athletes bulk faster than prisoner using gym facilities

The pros outweigh the cons

Aaron Hernandez's lawyers had him looking forward to prison.

The told him it would be just like playing football again and that he would still have a lot of large men opening holes for him.

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Dude was in prison and his cell mate had leprosy

Every day his cell mate would have a part of the body fall from his body

One day, it was the ear. He picked it up and threw it away through the window

The other day, the little finger; away through the window

On the day after, the thumbs, also away through the window

On...

There's a new prisoner and he was assigned to a cell. On the way to his cell...

he heard one prisoner said "110" and the other prisoners laugh really hard.

Then one more prisoner said "93" and the prisoners laughs again.

When he arrived at his cell, out of curiosity he asked his cell mate why the other prisoners said numbers then everybody laugh?

His cell m...

“Jesus loves you”

Is a wonderful thing to hear in church, but a horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Why do women never have periods in prison?

Because a period doesn't come til the end of a sentence.

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

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I told my friend that a prisoner on Viagra is a hardened criminal. She said something about that doesn't seem right.

I agreed, something is definitely afoot.

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

I once heard of a prison for dogs

I heard it's ruff

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Prison Fun

Bob the stockbroker was convicted of insider trading and sent to federal prison.
He was housed with a big, tough bank robber named Jesse.

Walking into his shared cell for the first time Bob was understandably nervous.

“ Hello there, welcome to your new home” said Jesse holding ou...

The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

What type of toothpaste do they use in male prisons?

Cavity protection

Why do hipsters enjoy prison?

Because there are solid bars everywhere.

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How do drugs get into our prisons?

They’re probably smuggled in by some asshole.

A Mexican magician had escaped from prison

A Mexican magician who had recently escaped from prison told his audience that he would disappear on the count of three.

He went, "Uno, dos..."

And POOF! He disappeared without a tres.

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I don't like sex in the shower.

It's slippery, dangerous and one of the worst things about prison.

My friend worked as a security guard for a prison.

He told me about the one time he was asked to escort a dwarf inmate on a flight to another penitentiary.

The story was very interesting but the only part I didn't like was how the prisoners flight landed.

It was little condescending.

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and the makes passionate love to her for hours....

Would you like to hear a joke about prisoners who have been spending years in the death row?

Sorry, still having problems with the execution.

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I don't like the idea of prison sex...

That's why, if I'm ever remanded in custody, I intend to get myself off.

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.


Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it w...

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So a man is waiting to visit someone in prison...

So a man is waiting to visit someone in prison, while in the waiting area he sees an smiling old lady with a scrapbook. So he goes to the lady and says "hello Ma'am, we're in a prison what are you smiling about?" So the lady replies. "You see I have 2 sons. When they were young I told them to pick a...

What’s the difference between a Lunchable and a prison meal?

One of them is usually eaten in a big crowded room where you might get shot or stabbed. The other one is for convicted criminals.

Do you know why prisoners love the 4th of July?

All the fresh meat on the 5th of July. Drive safe and party smart folks!

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