My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

“If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.

I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

My friend went to prison for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

Two idiots want to escape prison

One says "Go to the wall, if it's short enough we'll jump over it. If it's too tall, we'll dig a tunnel."

The other one goes outside to check.

When he returns, he says "Dude, we can't escape."

"What!? Why?"



"There's no wall"

What do you call a psychic dwarf who escaped prison?

A small medium at large

A prisoner is put to death row today.

A guard is tasked with operating the electric chair on a prisoner. He tries to lighten the mood by telling a joke to the prisoner, then he flips the switch.

The prisoner survives the shocks, and guard wonders what went wrong.

"Your joke had a decent premise," says the prisoner. "But th...

A prisoner was just told how he’ll be executed.

Needless to say, he was shocked.

The best prison nickname would be mitochondria...

That way everyone would know you're the powerhouse of the cell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn “o” into an “O.”

Epstein: "I'm afraid I don't know how things work here in prison."

Prison guard: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t prisoners ever have sex

They’re all in-cells

I went to prison for something I didn’t do

I couldn’t run fast enough

A man went to prison

On his first night in his cell block he heard other inmates shout what seemed like random numbers, and everyone started laughing. This went on for a while but he couldn't make sense of it

The next day he asked another inmate:
- What's with all the numbers they shouted last night? Why were ...

Three prisoners were sentenced to death for their crimes

Each of the three prisoners were brought up one at a time in front of the firing squad.

The first man was up and the captain began to shout " ready... aim...." and the prisoner yelled "Tornado!!!". Everyone ran for cover and the first prisoner got away.

The second man was brought forth...

If you eat too much prison chili

You give up your right to remain silent.

My brother who has a stutter got life in prison

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence

Why can't deaf people go to prison?

Because you can't condemn someone without a hearing.

An American is in Italian prison

"How'd you get here?" his cellmate asks.

"Well," he replies, "I went to go visit that famous leaning tower and then decided to get a slice of fresh pizza. I sit down and the server comes to take my order. I asked what's good and the server went down the list. Neapolitan, Giuseppe, Pugliese, N...

TERRIBLE NEWS; My friend has been charged with timeshare fraud and will go to prison...

...two weeks a year for the next twenty years!

Why did the guitarist go to prison?

For fingering A Minor!

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

Can we get everyone to agree on how to count the prisoners?

We need a con-census.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

Why was the coal guy sent to prison?

He was found in bed with a miner.

Just found out my friend with a stuttering problem died in prison

He was a repeat offender and didn't even finish his sentence

2 dudes talking about their time in prison.

Dude 1: The judge told me I was going to be convicted for murder and I would have to be in prison for 10 years. He asked me if I wanted to say something. I knew I was innocent so I started talking, until the moment where I was going to prove that I wasn't the murderer, then the judge interrupted me....

What do you call a headcount of the prison population?

A consensus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a prison and an elementary school

In prison you know who the rapists are

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

So Gary goes to prison...

One Friday, Gary is walking around the courtyard checking the place out, he notices a a huge group of the inmates gathered around in a circle. Curious, he walks up to group and asks someone what's happening.

"Every Friday we get together and tell jokes. We've got some good ones. Check it out...

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

What happened to the football player who went to prison?

He used to be a tight end, but now he's a wide receiver.

Did you know about the prisoner who used to beat his cellmate with his prosthetic wooden leg..

When the authorities confiscated the leg,he was hopping mad..

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An inmate has a week left in prison and offers a female guard $200 for a blowjob.

She responds: C'mon now...Don't end your sentence with a proposition!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

What does Trump call a bunch of rich old white guys in prison jumpsuits?

Staff.

What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help?

"I'll be right there, just hang on for a minute."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my dad what would happen if I went to prison. He then drew two circles for me; the one on the right was considerably larger than the left one.

He pointed to the one on the left and said “this is what your asshole looks like before prison” and then quickly moved his finger to the right, “and this is what your asshole will look like after prison.”

A measuring cup got sent to prison

He was found guilty in the quart of law for litering

Foucault: Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and hospitals

Foucault’s mother: You’re still going.

Where will Tekashi 6ix9ine have to go to exercise once he's released from prison?

Planet Witness

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

They're discussing what they are bringing with them to prison. The first guy says "well, I bought a deck of cards. I figure I can play solitaire when I'm bored, I can gamble to make money in there, and l...

So I’m In Prison And I Don’t Even Know Why

All I did was board a plane and I saw my old friend Jack so I yelled “ Hi, Jack!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for mont...

A friend of mine wrote a book in prison about ratings systems

It was titled "Prose and Cons"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, “Burger and chips, please.”

“Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?”

“Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

What's the best thing about prison libraries?

Everything is always in context.

What's the difference between a for-profit school and a for-profit prison?

You have to buy your lunch at school.

I've been thrown in prison for telling dad jokes...

Turns out I wasn't authorised, as I'm not a dad.


But don't worry, I'll be seeking a pa-role.

Being quite new in prison, I told my inmates the "50 shades of grey" joke today.

Turned out not to be a problem, as everyone seemed to be used to long sentences.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What do you call a snobby prisoner walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Submitted on behalf of my witty daughter!

Why did the gnat not go to prison?

His g’s were silent

Three KGB inspectors decide visit a Siberian prison

They decide to check on three young prisioners who started working recently but were put in prison, and ask them some questions.

The first inspector asks the first prisoner:"How did you get in here?

He answers:"For the past week my clock would wake me up early so I came into work early...

Q: How did the programmer escape from prison?

A: from%20prison

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is sentenced to prison

On his first day, he is very anxious because of the stories he heard.

At showering time, a big tattooed guy comes over, lays his hand on his shoulder and tells him:

"Okay, so here is how this goes. Every new guy will get fucked by an older inmate on his first day here. But I'm leaving ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are sitting in a prison cell

One says

"I'm in here for 10 years, manslaughter. What about you?"

"I opened the window at my job and now I'm here for 15 years"

"What the fuck?"

"Yeah the submarine captain was PISSED"

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

Why did no one in prison want to mess with the mitochondria?

It was the powerhouse of the cells

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] What's the similarity between cycling and prison ?

Your ass gets used to it after a couple of months.

Why didn't Jeffrey Epstein high five the prison officer?

He tends to leave people hanging.

Three prisoners break out of their jail cell.

There is only one prison guard, and he knows he is outnumbered. Instead of trying to take the prisoners down, he shouts “Hey! I don’t think you should do this. You should go back to your cells and wait out your sentence.“ The prisoners laugh, but the guard keeps talking. He gives them every reason w...

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

A man goes to prison

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera...

Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

A death row prisoner found himself in the heaven after his death.

He asked the god,"Do all executed prisoners go to heaven?"

The god replied,"No,but all organ donors will go to heaven."

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

Why did Tiger Woods wear 2 pairs of underwear in prison?

In case another inmate gave him a hole in one!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you're in prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

My friend said prisons should be built underground...

I replied: “Why must you be so condescending?”

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

What did Freddie Mercury say when he got sent to prison?

"I want to break free!"

Judge: I hereby send you to prison for 20 years.

Me: Your Honour couldn't you consider shortening the sentence.
Judge: I send you to prison for 20 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why'd they throw the cat in prison?

It was caught looking at kitty porn

An entire prison was facing electricity outage for a year.

The inmates were getting very frustrated at the lack of power supply in the prison. No matter what the Jailer tried he couldn't solve the issue.

One day, the jailer realised that there was a thief named Joanna who duped people of their money and who had the reputation of being very smart had ...

In prison I learned from mexicans

That "Jesus loves you" means something different.

Why was the prison writing contest canceled?

The warden decided that there were too many cons and not enough prose

Lady Gaga Performed at the Prison today.

Might I say that the Audience were Captivated.

Which scientific technique prepares you the best for prison?

Cell culture.

What's a prison guard's favorite game?

Hangman

How mathematicians escape from prison

How mathematicians escape from the prison:

Mathematicians: let's say there is a door...

A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.

The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.

The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.

That night the inmates are calling out numbers...

Do you know why Germany will send their most unwanted prisoners to Greece?

Because whenever they send something to Greece, they'll never get it back.

6ix9ine will escape prison no matter what.

Because mumle rappers never finish their sentence

Jokes in Prison

A man gets convicted of a crime and is sent to jail. When he gets to the cafeteria, something weird is happening. He hears random numbers being shouted out, followed by uproarious laughter, so he asks the guy next to him what's going on. Fellow says, "Well, you see, we've all been in here for so lon...

What’s the difference between being in prison and playing on a basketball team?

On a basketball team, your guards won’t leave you hanging.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.