UPJOKE
sentenceinmatepunishmentcourtjailprisonercellblockconvictionconvictcrimeimprisonmentcriminalpanopticondetentioncustody

First Night in Prison

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said.......
You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......
I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......
You touch me and I will kill you........
I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am
already married

Policeman: You’re going to prison for forgery.

Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

Recently I've started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.

It's a tough job but I enjoy it. It really has it's prose and cons.

Prisoner complains to guard as he first arrives at prison:

Even the judge knows I'm being imprisoned for a crime I never committed!

Guard: What you in for?

Prisoner: Attempted murder.

OC

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like being a guy in a prison

You dont know how when or by whom you are gonna get fucked next.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

Love Dad.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bruce is serving a life term in prison. After a decade or so, he gains a cellmate: Will.

After taking some time to size Will up and decide that he can trust him, Bruce tells Will about his plan to escape.


"You see," Bruce says, "for the past nine years, I've been training my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its...

While in prison, I started a relationship with an English teacher and I wanted to marry her when I got out...

but apparently she wouldn't let me end a sentence with a proposition.

Did you guys hear about the tiny psychic that escaped from prison?

It’s a small medium at large.

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

Why did the prison escapee stop at the car wash?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!

A man in Russia was arrested for saying that Putin is an idiot and given a peculiar sentence to one year and fourteen days precisely in prison.

That’s fourteen days for criticising the government, and one year for revealing a state secret.

What do you call a guy named James who smokes e-cigs and works at a prison?

Jim the Juul Man Jailor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So why are you in prison? [long]

Well, after a long and hard 12 hour shift at work and an hour long commute I make it home. Obviously I’m not in the mood to cook and most everywhere is closed, so I decide to order a pizza.

I call up the local pizza place, put in an order for a large with everything on it, and I wait. I wait ...

The strongest inmate in a prison should be called the mitochondria

Because they’re the powerhouse of the *cell*

What did Thor wear in the prison shower?

An Asgard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the crappy computer put in more high maintenance prison cells than the good computer

The crappy computer was harder to keep tabs on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prisoner on death row with a big penis?

Well hung

After my ex died, I couldn’t shower alone for 10 years

But I’m out of prison now

Pontius Pilate: “As a gesture of goodwill to mark the beginning of Passover, we will release one prisoner.”

Crowd:

PP: “It’s part of my new Pilate program.”

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO

My mates were sent to prison,

now they're inmates.

I was lucky to get sent to an all Vegetarian prison

They never toy with fresh meat.

Three russian prisoners are talking in their cell.

"What are you here for?"

"Last month I said that minister of defence Shoigu was a traitor! And you?"

"Last week I said that minister of defence of defence Shoigu wasn't a traitor!"

The two prisoners then turn to the third one, who was so far quietly sitting in the corner.
...

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

What is something you want to hear in Christmas But not in a Mexican prison?

Jesus loves you

I was driving past the local prison...

When I saw a dwarf climbing down the wall, my friend explained, he's escaping! I thought, that's a little condescending

Three prisoners of communist regime

Three prisoners are in one cell and they talk about why they are here.

First guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes late, so I was always late for work and they locked me up for betrayal."

Second guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes early, so I was always 10 minutes early to work and the...

A guy walks into a prison

He gets off the bus and he meets this big brute infringe of him. The brute says
“What’s your crime and where are you from?”
The guy responds :
“Well I’m from Bradford, and I commuted arsine, but why? What do you need that for?”
The brute says: “well we all have nicknames, made from our c...

Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.

Man: That’s a long sentence. Can you reduce it?

Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Why do prison doctors hate the Court of Appeals?

They're always trying their patients.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lubyanka Prison is the tallest building in Moscow.

It's so tall that you can see Siberia from its basement.

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you keep your ass safe in prison?

Don’t wipe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An asian, a Black and a White guy were in prison.

The prison manager gave them a chance to get out, as it was the presidents birthday.

Prison manager: if all the combined length of your penises comes to 10 inches, you will get out.

The black man had 5 inches.
The white man had 4 inches.
The asian man had 1 inch.

As they w...

A guy goes to prison first night

He meets his roommate and its a big, BIG dude and he says "alright, you know this is gonna happen, so you can do it with, or without spit." And he replys "I dont want either." And his roommate says back "with or without its happening so choose." And he answers "well obviously I want with spit." And ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is all about perspective. Take my friend for example...

...The guy has sex at least twice a week. He works out like everyday. He reads a book at least every few days... but the guy is constantly complaining to me about hiw bad prison is.

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

Never let your guard down.

What do you call a prison escapee that is hiding in a camping shelter?

Criminal in tent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to prison…

First day gets led to his cell. He sees his cell mate standing there who says “You want to be the husband or the wife?”

Guys says “uh, the husband I guess”

Cellmate “All right. Now get over here and suck your wifes dick”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

I had many career paths to choose from - lawyer, prison guard, veterinarian

but none of them satisfied my desire to work with animals quite like being a teacher

What happens when a psychic Little Person escapes from prison?

We've got a small medium at large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hello, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve only been in prison for half an hour and have been fucked up the arse three times…

…my uncle doesn’t mess about playing monopoly

What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?

Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.

The allied prisoners

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

Prison might just be one word to you...

But to some people, it's a long sentence.

I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay

It's got prose and cons.

A man with a stutter was killed in prison with only 3 days until his release date.

To bad he couldn't just finish his sentence.

What kind of laughter gets you a prison sentence?

Manslaughter.

Did you hear that Jeffery Dahmer had a kid while in prison?

It was his last meal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for mont...

A man goes to prison

During his first night, he hears his fellow inmates shouting out.

“37!” Everyone laughs.

“18!” Everyone laughs again.

He asks his cellmate what that’s all about.

“Oh, we’ve been in here so long that we’ve numbered the jokes. Give it a try.”

“63!” No response. H...

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp-puss.

Area 51

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base...

Are you allowed to send an email to a friend in prison?

you can do that, but you are not allowed to attach a file.

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

A drummer got sentenced to prison for repeatedly beating up people.

He got his repercussions.

Two men and a blonde are the next 3 up on death row

The warden approaches the first man and asks him which way he would like to go. “The firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?” The man thinks about what the best way to go would be and after some thing he chooses the chair. After being brought into the room, the operator flips the switch and after ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A medieval polish farmer finds a magic lamp

A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

A dwarf spiritualist broke out of prison today.

Police say there is a small medium at large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to prison and is shown to his cell...

... His cellmate is a huge Tongan bloke, 6"4", 300kg who takes up 2/3 of the cell on his own.

The Tongan cellmate says "My names Bubba, in Bubba's cell we play mumma and daddy. You choose who you want to be."

The guy thinking to make the best of a bad situation says "I guess I'll be da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

Bill Cosby walks out of prison...

..and gets on a bus, and rides it to a long rock wall. Next to a big oak, he finds a letter.

He follows it to Mexico, where he finds Jeffrey Epstein working on his boat.

What do rainbows do in prison?

They refract on what they have done.

I went to prison in Stockholm.

I fell in love with the place and just couldn’t leave.

A man gets sent to prison for the first time.

In the middle of the night, he still can't sleep. Suddenly, he hears a prisoner yell out "18!" and everyone laughs.

Then a few minutes later, another prisoner yells "25!". Thunderous laughter, louder than the first.

Then another few minutes later, someone yells "62!". Silence.

P...

Three political prisoners sit in a gulag prison...

One of the men asks the other, "What are you in for?"

He responds, "I opposed Comrade Popov in 1937. What about you?"

The first man replies "I supported Comrade Popov in 1938. How about you?" he asks the third man

The third man says "I am Comrade Popov."

Two prisoners have escaped today

One is 7 feet, the other is 3 ft 6 in. Police are looking high and low for them.

In the middle of his administration, President Trump went to give a speech to a prison…

Trump’s speech writer had everything ready for him except for the opening line.

“How about ‘My fellow Americans..’” Trump suggested.
“I’m sorry Mr. President but many prisoners may be of foreign nationality.” His speech writer warned.

“Okay. Then ‘My fellow citizens…’”

“I’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

A man's son is about to return from prison.

A man's son is about to return from prison. After spending five years in the clink, the man was very curious to know what his son plans to do further in life and what profession he's going to choose for his future. He decides to test his son. He sets a bottle of alcohol, a wad of money, a gun and a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL the company Tampax donates their slightly defective tampons to women's prisons

No strings attached

Did you hear about the cheesemaker who got sent to maximum security prison?

He's being kept in solid-dairy confinement.

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to that Prisoner who killed him?

I eat guys like you for breakfast.

A prisoner digs a hole out of jail....

.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kids walks up and says "So big deal, I'm four!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

Little old man on the bus

A little old man gets on a crowded city bus, every seat filled. A tough looking bloke with a lot of prison tattoos is kicking his feet onto the seat opposite him, keeping it from being used.

The little old waddles over says 'scuze me' and pushes the tough bloke's legs off the seat.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An inmate is in the prison cafeteria on his first day in jail.

He's eating his lunch, minding his own business when suddenly another inmate shouts out **"86!"** and everybody bursts out laughing. The new inmate is confused, but says nothing.

A moment later another inmate shouts out **"13!"** and everybody bursts out laughing again. The new inmate is ser...

The prisoners escaped from jail at night

They hear police sirens and see three trees nearby so each prisoner climbs one of the trees to hide.

The police walk over to the first tree. The prisoner thinks quickly and says
“HOOT HOOT”

“Oh it’s just an owl” one policeman says. “Let’s keep moving.”

The police come to th...

Did you hear about the murderer who wrote a really short autobiography in prison?

It was a life sentence

I held a creative writing seminar at a women’s prison last month

How did it go? Well, it had its prose and cons.

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A convict's first day in prison.

It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down.

He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie.

Do you ...

What’s the difference between Amazon and prison?

You can sit down in prison

What do you call an unprovoked prison stabbing?

Shanks for nothing.

~

What did the prison guards say when they couldn't find the weapon used?


Shanks but no shanks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

A Russian judge walks out of a courtroom, laughing.

Curious, one of the guards in the courthouse asks him "What's so funny?"

"Oh, this joke I just heard!" says the Judge.

"Can you tell it to me?" asks the guard, curious.

"No, I can't," says the judge. "I just sentenced a man to 10 years in prison for telling it!"

I just got a new job at the prison library

It has its prose and cons.

Why didn't the prisoner stop talking?

Because he had a really long sentence.

An Irish an English man and a Scottish man got sent to prison for ten years

They are given a ten year supply of anything the English man asks for ten years of tea the Scottish man asks for ten years of cigarettes and the Irish man asks for ten years of whiskey ten years later the guards let them out the English man is happily drinking tea the Irish man is smashed and when t...

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

My brother who stutters was sent to prison.

I feel bad knowing he will never complete his sentence.

Why is it easy to tell jokes in a prison?

You have a captive audience.

So Bill Cosby was released from prison, and now I hear he's getting his own television show?

Women Say the Darndest Things.

My best friend went to prison because he kept stealing things from people's gardens. He was just released but my wife told me not to invite him to our BBQ next week.

I feel a bit bad. I hope he doesn't take a fence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

- I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

- I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

- And I've got a box of tampons....

So I was walking down town near the local prison...

And as I was walking down the street, I see a man with dwarfism climbing up the wall of the prison looking to escape.

He looked over at me so I waved at him. He gave me a nasty stare and scoffed at me as he began climbing down.

I said to myself "that's a little con-descending"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Why do wives usually cook for their husbands?

Because according to the law all prisoners must be fed

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

Why prisoners hate women?

Because they're in cells.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man rubbed a lamp and an elegant genie exited from the lamp

The genie said, “You have released me from my bronze prison, you may now ask me three wishes of your liking”

The man, a clever one indeed, said, “I wish for infinite wishes.”

The genie responded with, “I am afraid that is against the rules.”

The man said, “I thought you could do...

I ALWAYS Get laid on April fools day…

I can’t wait till I get out of prison!!!

Three Men were in a Soviet Prison.

One man asked another, "What are you in here for?"

The other man replied, "I was arrested for being late. They accused me of wanting to delay the victory of the Proletariat."

Another man chimed in, "I was arrested for being early. They accused me of wanting to be favored over my fellow...

A man is sent to prison for a long stretch...

He has been in prison before and his cell mate doesn't seem to want any trouble. He settles in. His first night after lights out, he is laying in his bed and hears someone call out, "Number 24!" This is met with a round of laughter. A little while later, someone yells, "Number 45!" Another round of ...

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window...

...she said it was a little condescending.

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.