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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

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A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass.

Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in...

A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength...

So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.

An oligarch, a theocrat, and two architects of the prison industrial complex walk into a bar...

Sorry, I misplaced my notes. Those are just the choices for the US Presidential election.

Why was the sick eagle thrown into prison?

It was ill-eagle.

An guy with dwarfism tried explaining he escaped by climbing down the outside wall of a prison

It was a little condescending.

What do you call a Mini fortune teller that broke out of prison?

A small medium at large!

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A man gets out of prison and finds a prostitute.

“I just got out of prison and haven’t had sex in a long time. I only have $20. What can I get?,” he says.

The prostitute replies, “I can’t help you but I think I know someone who can.”

So he goes to her friend and tells her the same story. The friend can’t help him but sends him to som...

A man gets sentenced to life in prison

On his first night there, his cell mate tells him there's a stand up comedy event.

They are sitting watching, and an inmate gets up and stands on the stage

"15", he calls out. The whole audience starts laughing.
"23", he continues. Hysterical laughter everywhere.

The man...

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On the brightside of all the shit going down, at least Derek Chauvin will do fine in prison.

He is really good at getting on his knees and staying there.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

So three women escape from a prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

They hide under a tarp on a work truck. The security guard is checking the tarp at the gate. He pokes his rifle at the brunette and she goes "meow, meow". He pokes his rifle at the red head and she goes "woof, woof". He pokes his rifle at the blonde and she goes "potato, potato".

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A man goes to prison...

He's led to his cell, enters the door which is then locked behind him. A big bruiser of man sits on his bed with a menacing grin on his face.
"In this cell we play a game called Mummies and Daddies... Do you want to be Mummy or Daddy?" asks the big guy.
"I'll be Daddy" replies the newby.
"O...

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This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. (long)

This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. One of the older inmates known around the clink as Big Hank comes over and sits down on the bunk beside.

“What’s the matter, buddy?” the old inmate asked.

“I really screwed up,” sobbed the young man. “I’m going to be in this hel...

There are 3 guys in prison...

The guard asks the first guy how high he can jump. 1 meter he awnsers. Okay says the guard you get 1 sandwich.

#

The guard goes to next prisoner and asks how high the man can jump. 2 meters he says. Okay says the guard you get 2 sandwiches.

#

The third guy who was listeni...

What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?

"Get out. This is micelle"

Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

Why do old women stay in prison?

Without a period, the sentence continues.

If Squidward got a job at a prison for squids,

Would he be known as Squid Warden Squirdward?

What did the dermatologist say in prison that made everybody confused?

“I don’t want to breakout”

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My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder.

Prior to his incarceration, he worked on a farm helping his father dig and prepare the land for plants.

His father wrote to him:” Oh, how I miss when you were here to help me prepare the fields. Now I must do everything alone.”
...

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How do so many drugs get into prisons?

I guess they're smuggled in by some asshole

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Three men meet in a prison yard, 2 of them are white and the other black.

The first white man asks the other, "What are you in for?"

"I raided my company's 401k, and stole millions from my employees. My lawyer says I'll be out within 3 years."

"I shot up an abortion clinic and killed 2 doctors, but my lawyer says I won't do more than 5 years."

They...

What do overweight people and arson at prisons have in common?

cellulite

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A man was released from prison after a 40-year sentence.

After he checked into his economy hotel, he called an escort service and told them he wanted 2 of their best girls. He immediately went down to the pharmacy and asked for a bottle of Viagra and the pharmacist told him to only take one pill. To the pharmacist's dismay, he immediately opened the bottl...

Why can't prisoners get laid?

Because they're in cells.

How is a prisoner the same as a guy who decides to bone his best friend?

They’re both in mates.

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How did Hitler write Mein Kampf while in prison?

It was a struggle

Did you hear about the prisoners who got melted together?

It was Con-fusing to say the least.

A prison guard is trying to catch someone escaping

The prisoner was a little person who climbed the fence and as he was going down the other side he laughed at the guard. The guard watched in disbelief thinking, "Now that is a little con-decending."

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Man released from prison.

A man, who was imprisoned for 30 years, gets released from prison. 30 years, and all he could think about, was having sex, as he loved sex before going to prison. He makes up his mind, and tells himself "The first thing I see, whatever it may be, I will have sex with". As soon as he leaves prison, h...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty.

What do German guys say in prison

What do German guys say in prison?

Ein, Zwei, I'm going in dry.

You know what’s scary about a white man in prison?

You know he actually committed the crime.

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New inmates are lined up to go into prison

Guard in front yells "Everyone have your personal effects out for inspection! You ate allowed ONLY ONE item!"

Towards the back of the line a new inmate asks the guy in front of him, "Hey buddy....what you bringing in?"

The reply was "pastels and chalk. Gonna teach myself how to draw. ...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots

they would be called, cellfies.

What do you call a prisoner with a snarky attitude going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

It was very easy to escape from prison.

The WiFi was so bad that there were zero bars on my cell.

How do you feel about the prison library?

It has its prose and cons.

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

Why are prisoners not allowed to have email?

Don't want to risk someone attaching a file.

Foucault: Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and hospitals.

Foucault’s mother: You’re still going.

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Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

Guy gets sent to prison. 1st night, someone yells 39, whole prison laughs. Next night, someone yells 2, prison again erupts in laughter. Guy asks lifer what gives. Lifer explains there’s a joke book, been passed around for years. Dudes memorize # & corresponding joke. Guy gets book & memorizes a few

That night he yells, 24!!! Nothing...

Next night, 9!! Crickets

He asks the lifer the next day what’s happening...

Lifer says: some people just can’t tell jokes

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

R. Kelly has asked to be released from prison after being concerned about catching COVID-19.

I bet if it was COVID-13 he wouldn't mind catching it at all.

There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.

Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.

How many cops does it take to throw a prisoner down the stairs?

None, he fell...

A mumble rapper gets out of prison

Everyone starts praising them for finally finishing a sentence.

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

Did you hear about the prison that grouped its inmates based on if they were dominant or submissive?

They had the place sorted top to bottom.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

Two idiots want to escape prison

One says "Go to the wall, if it's short enough we'll jump over it. If it's too tall, we'll dig a tunnel."

The other one goes outside to check.

When he returns, he says "Dude, we can't escape."

"What!? Why?"

>!"There's no wall"!<

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Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.

I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

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Did you hear about the tampon thief who got out of prison?

Apparently he pulled some strings

[OC] What do you call a medieval jouster recently released from prison?

>!A Free lancer!<

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Why aren't prostitutes allowed near prisons?

Because a sentence shouldn't end with a proposition.

My girlfriend used to work at an American prison in Cuba.

She’s my Guantanamo Bae.

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A man escapes from a prison after 10 long years. He breaks into a house looking for anything that might help him stay on the run.

Inside, he finds an attractive couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the woman to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and the makes passionate love to her for hours. She's moaning in pure bliss despite the terrible circumstances...

My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game

He got life.

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in the prison

Damn... She couldn't even finish her sentence!

Half an year ago, a middle-aged man, walking home after a long and stressful day of work, found an old, crusty lamp in an abandoned alley.

"What harm could it do," he said out loud, and gave it a rub.

A genie emerged, exclaiming, “All behold, I, the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is incomprehensible, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

"I am a simple man with a simpl...

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Did you ever hear about the video game Hitler made while in prison?

He called meincraft.

Lame, I know.
If someone's done this one, let me know and I'll take it down.

My friend went to prison for something he didn't do.

He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.

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A woman visits her husband in prison

Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:

"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"

The officer laughs, saying:

"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for mont...

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A group of prisoners is in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he has committed.

The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder!" Everyone gives him approving look and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoi...

Today, a friend told me a prison joke.

It took some time, but then I got it.

Hearing that Jesus loves you is a very comforting thing

Unless you’re in a Mexican prison

While working as a prison guard in Prague, part of my job included a lot of walking up and down the prison corridors.

I used to pass a lot of bad Czechs.

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

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Nsfw - Larry was sent to prison

Larry was sent to prison..... it was his first stretch and on his first night he is put in a cell and meets his new cell mate big baz.

Baz says to Larry *who looks extremely nervous*
“Is this your first time in?”
“Yes” replies Larry
“Ok since it’s your first night in we will play mum...

A man went to prison

On his first night in his cell block he heard other inmates shout what seemed like random numbers, and everyone started laughing. This went on for a while but he couldn't make sense of it

The next day he asked another inmate:
- What's with all the numbers they shouted last night? Why were ...

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

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Prisoners escape, end up at old ladies house... With a twist.

These 3 prisoners escape from jail and ran to the nearest house. They knock on a door and a sweet old lady walks out.

Lady: Hello

Prisoner 1: Lady please let us inside. PLEASE.

Prisoner 2: There are cops are outside searching for us.

Lady: Well ok, only on one condition.<...

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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years

But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Why do people in prison never get married?

They’re incels

Studies show that after being released from prison, women have a tendency to immediately begin menstruation.

This is because a period comes at the end of a sentence.

Jared from subway was sentenced by the judge for 16 years in prison.

But he didn’t care, you know why

Because he was ok with anything under 18

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."

The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."

Then the Irishman says "Oi tink O...

A gangster in Soviet prison goes to the doctor. "Doctor, I'm feeling sick."

The doctor frowns and takes a good look at him. "Have you been drinking?"

"Yes, doctor..."

"Then come back tomorrow when you've sobered up."

The next day, the convict shows up at the doctor's again. "Doctor, I'm still not feeling well."

"Are you sober?"

"I haven't ...

Epstein: "I'm afraid I don't know how things work here in prison."

Prison guard: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

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I was blessed with a 9 inch penis

That priest is in prison now

Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today

So the death row inmates were left hanging.

Three prisoners are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian asks for pepperoni pizza, which he is served and then taken away.

The Frenchmen requests a filet mignon, which he is served and also taken away.

The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.

The captors are surprised and reply: “Strawberries?”


“Yes, Str...

An American is in Italian prison

"How'd you get here?" his cellmate asks.

"Well," he replies, "I went to go visit that famous leaning tower and then decided to get a slice of fresh pizza. I sit down and the server comes to take my order. I asked what's good and the server went down the list. Neapolitan, Giuseppe, Pugliese, N...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

A prisoner was just told how he’ll be executed.

Needless to say, he was shocked.

A convict finally escaped prison after digging a tunnel in his cell for years

He resurfaces in a kindergarten playground with children playing and no cops in sight. He could barely contain his excitement and screams, "I'm Free! I'M FREE!" A kid next to him looks at him and says, "So what? I'm four"

A prisoner is put to death row today.

A guard is tasked with operating the electric chair on a prisoner. He tries to lighten the mood by telling a joke to the prisoner, then he flips the switch.

The prisoner survives the shocks, and guard wonders what went wrong.

"Your joke had a decent premise," says the prisoner. "But th...

The best prison nickname would be mitochondria...

That way everyone would know you're the powerhouse of the cell.

Why are women expected to cook for their husbands?

Prisoners need to be fed.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

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An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

2 dudes talking about their time in prison.

Dude 1: The judge told me I was going to be convicted for murder and I would have to be in prison for 10 years. He asked me if I wanted to say something. I knew I was innocent so I started talking, until the moment where I was going to prove that I wasn't the murderer, then the judge interrupted me....

Growing up I wanted to famous for painting prisoners...

But my mother told me I couldn't; she said there's no good money in becoming a con artist.

do you know how they lined up the snobby prisoners?

they did it in con-descending order

Why are Prisoners referred to as "inmates"?

Because, on their first night, they're most likely to have said to them: "I'm putting it in, mate!"

Three prisoners were sentenced to death for their crimes

Each of the three prisoners were brought up one at a time in front of the firing squad.

The first man was up and the captain began to shout " ready... aim...." and the prisoner yelled "Tornado!!!". Everyone ran for cover and the first prisoner got away.

The second man was brought forth...

Did you hear about the guy who went to prison for smoking herbs?

He's doing time for doing thyme.

Prisoners are some of the proudest people out there

They've got an unrivalled sense of conviction

The prisoner pleaded, "I'm sorry I tried to escape!" The guard shrugged and sighed, "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Remember kids...

...never let your guard down.

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

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