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Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be t...

Harry cannot get this voice of guilt out of his head...

It is just engulfing him whole knowing what he’s done.

Then, a soothing voice comes along in his head and says “it’s okay harry, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients.”

Unfortunately for him, another voice sweeps him back to reality.

“Harry, you’re a ve...

I wanted to divorce my wife because I couldn't please her in bed and felt guilt-ridden.

A court hearing was held but she never came.

Judge: "How can you live with your guilt?"

Killer: "Better than my victims."

I cheated on my wife tonight. The guilt is really getting to me... maybe I should confess?

How do I tell her that when she was on the toilet, I took $5000 from the bank and put two houses on Mayfair.

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A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and ...

[long] The confession

Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but
I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled
with guilt these past few months and have been trying
to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face,
but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myselfva ...

Two Problems

MAN: Doctor, I have two problems I’d like to talk to you about.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Yes. Go on.

MAN: Whenever I’m not working I feel guilty.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Ah? Well then you may be a workaholic. But let’s proceed. What is your second problem?

MAN: I have a lot of guilt.

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What’s the difference between Christians and Jews?

Christians get guilt from the Bible. Jews get it from their mother.

Which is heavier - 1000 pounds of feathers or 1000 pounds of bricks?

The feathers are heavier - you also have to carry the guilt of plucking all those chickens.

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A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

the golfer

So a guy gets married and one of the first things he does after the honeymoon is to play 18 holes of golf with his buds, and they also have a few drinks afterwards.

When he gets home his wife confronts him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to play golf! And you r...

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god is waiting at the gates of heaven, and is waiting to give judgement to the next batch of people

the first man comes in. he is a priest. god asks "how did you die?" the man replies, "I was shot while I was having sex." god says that he can't have sex, being a priest and sworn to chastity, and god sends him to hell.



the second man appears. god asks "how did you die?" the man says ...

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So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, ...

So I decided to buy nineteen dollars worth of white guilt the other day...

...or as other people call it Twelve Years A Slave.

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...


EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

Cannibals in the night

A cannibal wakes up in the night and says to his cannibal wife "I'm starving and we ate the last missionary two days ago." His wife responds "We won't be sent a new missionary for a few days, we've got 3 children, why not have one as a snack?" He thinks it's a great idea, so he eats his youngest chi...

What’s religious Alzheimer’s Disease?

It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

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How are Cinnabons and masturbation the same

You don’t want to be seen doing it in public, it is just as messy, cleanup is the same, and both have a feeling of guilt afterwards.

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said,

“I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in the synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking ...

An OB/GYN student is late for his final exam.

He races out of bed, gets dressed, and is out the door in 5 minutes. He quickly gets to the lecture hall, and sits down just in time to receive a test.


Unbeknownst to him however, he had run to the wrong room: the Law lecture hall. The student reads over the first question, assured in hi...

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates.

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter: "I'm sorry gentlemen, but we only have enough room in Heaven for one more person. The one who died the most tragic death may enter."

St. Peter nods to the first man.

Man 1: "I've been suspecting that ...

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I'm sleeping with the priest's wife

A guy walks up to his friend one Sunday, and says "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church after mass for me?". The friend agrees, and after mass, he starts talking to the priest and asking him all kind of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. After about an hour, the ...

A man is convinced that his wife is seeing other men.

He questions her about it, and she denies her guilt, but he is adamant that he will catch her. A few days later the man goes off to work, and as soon as he leaves, her current lover slips in the back door. The man doesn't notice that when he took off his jacket, one of his cigars fell out of his poc...

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A nun gets into a cab

As she's riding along, she notices the cabbie keeps eyeing her in the mirror. "Is something the matter?" She asks. Embarrassed the cabbie answers, " Well sister, I only have a few months left to live, and I've always fantasized about having sex with a nun. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be forward, but ...

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Psychology Definitions....

* A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody knows in a language nobody can understand.
* The superego is that part of the personality soluble in alcohol, or the superego is that small inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.
* A neurotic is a person who has di...

Only let the worst deaths into heaven...

It's a busy day in heaven, the queue is long and Saint Peter is interviewing everyone to get in. It's a busy day so God tells saint Peter to only let the people with the worst deaths in.

So the first guy goes up to Saint Peter and tells him his story. He was worried that his wife was cheating...

I was browsing Toys R Us and the aisles said "Girls 3-5", "Boys 5-7", etc.

Jeez, just let me buy something. I don't need the whole guilt trip about who made it.

The honest lawyer?

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin....

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I turned myself into the police.

The Crime? Money Laundering. I just couldn't take it anymore, the guilt was eating at me and I needed to finally face my crimes.

I went into the station and explained that I had been money laundering for decades. They said they wanted an official statement and sat me down in a room with a tab...

Vladislav

There was once a man named Vladislav. He worked an average job, received minimum wage, and was frustrated with his life.
One day he received a call from his wife, who told him out of guilt that she had been cheating on him for several months now, and wanted to stop by the house to collect her be...

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Three deeply devout men were killed in a tragic car accident while on their way to church...

The three men awoke in front of a fountain with the great Gates of Heaven in the far distance. Standing in front of the fountain was an angel, wearing a seemingly dissatisfied smile.

"You three men have been so devout for your entire lives that you have never succumbed to sin."

The men...

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says ‘I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you.’

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls ...

A Husband And Wife Go Golfing

A husband and wife who are avid golfers have been happily married for 30 years, and on the day of their 30th anniversary they enjoy a wonderful day together.
They have a delicious breakfast in bed, then proceed to one of their favorite golf courses.
They play through to the 9th hole, both hav...

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Three men were patiently waiting in line to get into heaven.

When they finally got to Saint Peter, the angel said to them: "We're only admitting one out of every three souls right now due to overcrowding. Whoever has the most tragic death of you three will be getting in today."

Saint Peter turns to the first man and asks him how he got here.
The man...

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On a ship

A captain and a rich man were talking in a cabin of a very large yacht.

'I had one of these yachts once,' the rich man told the captain.

'Sold it?' the captain asked.

'No. I wanted to show my parents that I appreciated how they brought me up in life and how they helped me become...

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A woman visits her hypnotherapist

A weeping woman visits her hypnotherapist and laments, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and slept with another man... The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"

To which the hypnotherapist replies, "Jesus Ch...

The neighbor's rabbit

A man is in his kitchen, looking out to his back yard. He sees his dog out there with the neighbor's rabbit in the dog's mouth! Not wanting any trouble with his neighbor, the man runs out and retrieves the dead and bloody rabbit from the dog's clutches. Feeling awful, he brings it inside, washes and...

After the worse accident the town has ever seen

A lorry has managed to drive into a school, ran over students during their assembly. The paramedics estimate that the deaths number in more than a hundred person. In order to get to the bottom of the accident, a policeman started to question the driver.

Driver: I was just trying to avoid the ...

An artist, a lawyer, and a gamer are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered...

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The gamer says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks...

the cure for stealing

There is a pastor in a small town who is displeased to discover that someone has stolen his bicycle. It is a small town so he does not own a car and uses his bike to get everywhere. But more upsetting is the fact that he knows everyone in town, since they are all members of his congregation, and he ...

Bob Tom and Debbie are Stranded on a Desert Island

Bob, Tom, and Debbie are Stranded on a Desert Island. Barely fighting to survive, they resign themselves to months with only each other for company.


Eventually, Bob and Debbie start getting it on, doing what comes naturally in survival situations.


Not to be left out of the fun,...

What do catholic body builders lift?

Their guilt.

A fisherman catches his first fish.

Guilt-ridden at the thought of killing an animal, he asks his friend if he should throw it back into the water. His friend shrugs and replies: "I don't know, it's not my plaice to say".

When Bill and Hillary first got married....

Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there ...

The psychiatrists meeting...

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention.

Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.

One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
...

A man named Arthur gets in deep with the mob....

So this guy, Arthur, is in some serious debt. He's tried everything he can think of to make some money but can't seem to break even. Out of ideas, he makes contact with the local mob boss, Big Sal and says he'll do Sal's dirty work for some cash. The mob boss agrees and says he needs three rival mob...

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Priest's Donkey

The parish was very poor and the priest tried everything he could to raise money. But the Bingo games didn't work, the spaghetti diners and pancake breakfasts din't work. He even tried raffling an old Ford and that didn't help. So the priest though of trying out horse racing. He went to a horse auct...

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A man promises his wife to quit drinking...

...but that night he let's his buddy talk him into going to happy hour. He ends up getting so drunk he vomits all over himself. Suddenly overcome with guilt, he starts crying to his buddy. "What am I gonna do? I'm busted for sure."

But his friend has an idea. "Let me see your wallet.". T...

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Respect and Blowjobs

A girl and boy meet in high school and fall in love. They do everything together and eventually lose their virginity to one another, but the girl refuses to give him a blowjob. "I'm sorry," she says. "I love you so much and I'd do anything else in the world for you, but I'm afraid you'd lose resp...

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Another set of Jewish mom jokes

Seeing how my first post had a ~~huuuuge~~ kinda moderate success, here's another set.

Because it seems americains are not aware of the jewish mom stereotype, here is a rough translation of the French Wiki :

> The typical traits of the jewish mom include :
>
> * An exces...

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Some of Joan Rivers' Best One-Liners

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I hate thin people: ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I wish I ...

My body is a temple.

My body is a temple. I care about it three to five times a year purely out of guilt.

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Walk into the men's room and...

A husband is walking through the mall with his wife when he suddenly realizes that he really has to pee. The couple walk down to the other end of the mall to the restrooms and the husband enters. When he walks in he notices only 2 urinals, and standing in front of one is a man with no arms. He appro...

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The old one about a guy and his big toe

So this guy has had a sexual fantasy for years about having sex with a gal using his big toe. After years of thinking about non-stop and never finding a gal to participate, he hires a hooker.

She obliges and it is just as awesome as he thought it would be, but a week later he gets a crazy ras...

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A Slight Misunderstanding

I was picking up my 4 year old son, James, from daycare but he was late out. I saw his classmate Sophie standing with her mother and thought I would ask her how long he would be.
As I said her name she looked at me, teary eyed. I asked "What's wrong?" She replied "My Mommy is selling my pussy be...

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So I was at the grocery store

getting a few things for the weekend, and I noticed an old lady staring at me... once I caught her she swiftly looked away. I approached the dairy aisle and could feel this old lady staring at me again, so I went into the next aisle, she followed right behind me and kept looking at me. Feeling very ...

What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows?

Survivor guilt.

A matter of conscience

A man is lying awake in the middle of the night in a hotel room, wracked with guilt because he just cheated on his wife. His conscience takes the form of a little angel and a little devil, and he's talking with them about what just happened.

The angel says, "Bill, this is the most terrible t...

A man's estranged father passed away suddenly...

and he was unable attend the funeral. But when he discovered that he was the beneficiary of the life insurance and with the sudden passing and him being his fathers only family, he was overcome with guilt so he contacted the funeral home to make the arrangements and asked that his father have all th...

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