UPJOKE
chargeimpeachincriminatecriminateblameindictreproachaccusationcomplainarraigndefamerecriminateupbraidindictmentaccusations

Accused Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

My professor accused me of plagiarizing

His words, not mine.

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife accused me of being a Transvestite.

So I packed up all her shit and left.

My wife accused me of achieving nothing...

So I told her "well I won the Leslie Neilsen award at school."

"What's that?" she said

"It's a big building with kids in it"

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk is being accused of sexual harassment…

I believe it, TSLA share price has been f**king me in the a$$ for months!

Did you hear that Trump was accused of having dandruff?

He denied it, of course, and blamed it on flake news.

A barista was accused of stealing coffee beans by his boss.

However, when they looked into the case, they found that there were no grounds to press charges.

I recently got accused of committing tax fraud but I have no idea why

I don’t even pay taxes!

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last Night my wife dressed as a police officer and accused me of being too good in bed.

But after 1 minute and 20 Seconds, All charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I was accused of being a plagiarist...

I guess I'll take his word for it.

So A Cop Was Accused Of Being Racist.

He said I can't be racist, my wife's eye is black.

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*
<...

My son just accused me of lying.

I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t even have any children!

I was once accused of having a Foot fetish…

…but that’s a lie. I much prefer the Metric system.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.

I told her that made me feel bad, really bad, like bad, so bad, not good, and just... bad.

She then apologized.

My boss accused me of having OCD...

I soon put him in his place.

I accused my friend of pouring glue on my weapons.

He denied it but I’m sticking to my guns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

My girlfriend accused me of gaslighting her.

I told her she's crazy, there's no such thing as gaslighting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cat's just accused me of being obsessed with Dr. Dolittle.

Cheeky bastard. If I wasn't, we wouldn't even be having this fucking conversation.

A young pastor is called into his superior.

"Some in the congregation have accused you of blasphemy after your last sermon. Do you know why?"

"I was just talking about the illness of one of our congregants," replies the young pastor. "That's when people got mad."

"That sounds odd. What did you say?"

"I said: 'God is good:...

My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her...

...considering the floor was lava.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

Woman on the street accused me of staring at her behind.

In my defence I said I'd look anywhere but.

Did you hear John McAfee is accused of murder?

The trial will last 30 days

The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial...

I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!

I've been accused of lying about how much snot comes out of my nose when I sneeze.

They always say I'm blowing it out of proportion

I’ve been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

i had to stop my father the second time he accused me of being obsessed with Madonna

Papa don´t preach, i said

What do you call a wrongly accused art thief?

Framed

A friend of mine who works as a road repairer was recently accused of theft.

None of us believed it was true, but when I went to see him at his house, all the signs were there!

Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year,

but the claims cannot be true. Why?
Because Santa only comes once a year.

My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.

I replied, "That's what you think."

My wife accused me of taking the last donut.

It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbour accused me of stealing her panties...

I nearly shit her pants.

A man who claimed he'd found a £100 million Picasso in his attic, which later turned out to be fake, has been accused of selling more forgeries...

Police said when they went to arrest him, he made a terrible scream, which they've also taken as evidence.

What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food?

That's a basil-less accusation!

A man was accused of beating his wife to death... [long]

A man is in court.

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect
any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."

Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."

Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the...

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

My wife accused me of being immature in the bathroom

Hell’ She’s the one who keeps sinking my rubber ducks

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating

Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

My girlfriend has accused me of stalking her.

Well, technically she's not my girlfriend yet.

Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge?

He wanted to gather his THOTs first.

My wife accused me of being a racist

Because I freaked out when I found out her boyfriend is Black.

I was accused of throwing shade today

All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was accused of harassment at work today.

When I told my wife she said, "Harassment what?"
I said, "I swear baby her ass meant nothing to me!"

I’m being accused of shoplifting.

I take it they’re not happy.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was accused of shitting on a chair...

When he fought the accusation the court ordered him to provide a stool sample

My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter...

I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.

My friend was repeatedly accused of fingering girls while they were on thier period.He denied it.

Eventually they caught him red handed.


(Sorry for my english).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

My wife accused me of mansplaining the little details

So I had to put it in broad terms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just accused me of being a gullible cunt...

*I almost dropped my Bible*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy in the pub accused me of being gay...

I was so offended I immediately challenged him to a dance off

I've been accused of plagiarising from r/dadjokes

Their words, not mine

My best friend accused me of sleeping with his wife...

I told him I never slept a wink with his wife!

He then said that he had heard I was banging her in the kitchen. I let him know right then and there that I wasn't banging her anywhere near the kitchen and frankly, I didn't appreciate the accusation.

I'm often accused of being condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

You hear about the girl-ghost who got accused of getting breast implants?

So rude. Everyone knows she’s got super-naturals.

I was accused of illegally downloading the entirety of Wikipedia

I told them I could explain everything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex accused me of being apathetic.

I told her I don't give a shit.

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.