A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son ...

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her...

...considering the floor was lava.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

I was falsely accused of throwing batteries at people

All charges were dropped

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

I was accused of being a plagiarist...

I guess I'll take his word for it.

My wife accused me of having OCD

I soon put her in her place!

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin was accused of poisoning political opponents, including Alexei Navalny.

"This is complete nonsense!" Replied Putin,
"I have never considered anyone an opponent!"

What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food?

That's a basil-less accusation!

My friend was repeatedly accused of fingering girls while they were on thier period.He denied it.

Eventually they caught him red handed.


(Sorry for my english).

During the trial, he was accused of being a cannibal, but he knew he was an innocent man.

After all, you are what you eat.

Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge?

He wanted to gather his THOTs first.

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An arab was wrongfully taken into custody at the airport..

After feeling humiliated by the incident he decided to hire a lawyer to sue the TSA

The lawyer tells him “I’m sorry this happened to you. Ever since 9/11, your people have been forced to live in fear. This needs to stop! Now tell me exactly what happened?”

The arab goes on to explain h...

Why did Bill Cosby get hit with contempt of court?

He was accused of quaaluding with the jury.

My professor accused me of plagiarizing

His words, not mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was dragged into a white van in the middle of the street

He finds himself in an interogation room where he is being accused with treason, and he must tell on his accomplices. The man is definitely innocent. After a few hours the investigators bring this big Russian guy , Igor, and tell him to go down to the basement and fuck the guy in the ass until he co...

My wife accused me of taking the last donut.

It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

My wife accused me of being immature in the bathroom

Hell’ She’s the one who keeps sinking my rubber ducks

The Pope opens up the newspaper, and finds the headline says he has been accused of Matchfixing!

The Pope opens up the newspaper, and finds the headline says he has been accused of Matchfixing!

Although he doesn't have to, he decides to go to court to clear his name of this slander.

At the courtroom, the prosocuter asks him, "Is is true that you sent Juventus your thoughts and pra...

My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter...

I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.

My wife accused me of always stating the obvious.

I replied, "That's what you think."

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

My wife just accused me of having zero sense of empathy.

I have no idea how she can feel that way.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

Santa was accused of impregnating five women in a single year, but the claims cannot be true. Why?

Because Santa only comes once a year.

You hear about the girl-ghost who got accused of getting breast implants?

So rude. Everyone knows she’s got super-naturals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.

I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

[In a courtroom] Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time?

Accused: No I didn’t, your honour.

Guilty: Yes he did, your honour. That’s why I pressed charges against him.

I was having an argument with my girlfriend and she accused me of being childish.

What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face.

How to stop the church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new m...

Why did the white bunny get accused of cultural appropriation?

Because he was into hip-hop.

A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard

Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property

Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?

Neighbor: yes.

Judge: **Guilty**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was accused of shitting on a chair...

When he fought the accusation the court ordered him to provide a stool sample

My wife accused me of being a cross dresser the other day...

So i packed her things and left

One day on a farm, a man was accused of milking all the cows to keep the milk for himself.

When he was confronted about it he said, "What an utter lie."

My girlfriend accused me of gaslighting her.

I told her she's crazy, there's no such thing as gaslighting.

What do you say to a painting that has been falsely accused of being a fake?

You’ve been framed.

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A statistician was accused of selection bias in his work surveying virgins.

Apparently he was cherry-picking his data.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just accused me of being a gullible cunt...

*I almost dropped my Bible*

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating

Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

Do you know you shouldn't sleep with a naked dwarf after she has given birth? (Slightly NSFW)

You will be accused of doing the Bare MiniMum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lady from Nextdoor just knocked and accused me of stealing washing from her line.

I was so intimidated I tell you, I nearly pissed her pants.

My wife accused me of being a racist

Because I freaked out when I found out her boyfriend is Black.

If you lost your erection every time a game developer got accused of workplace harassment

Ubisoft

My girlfriend's parents accused me of being with her only for her money...

But I was like: That's not true at all, I just want her company

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was accused of harassment at work today.

When I told my wife she said, "Harassment what?"
I said, "I swear baby her ass meant nothing to me!"

My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.

I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"

Silence in court

Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Accused: Hahahaha
Judge: I wasn't talking to you!

My best friend accused me of sleeping with his wife...

I told him I never slept a wink with his wife!

He then said that he had heard I was banging her in the kitchen. I let him know right then and there that I wasn't banging her anywhere near the kitchen and frankly, I didn't appreciate the accusation.

My son just accused me of lying.

I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t even have any children!

I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

I’ve been accused of objectifying women

public class Woman extends Person {

Did you hear John McAfee is accused of murder?

The trial will last 30 days

A police officer was brought to the stand to testify on behalf of his partner who was accused of making a wrongful arrest.

“Your honor,” the cop began “my partner on duty has always been my closest friend and my most trustworthy work associate. I trust this man with my life and I believe that speaks volumes for his character.”

“Objection, your honor!” Said the plaintiff’s lawyer.

“Sustained,” said the judg...

Another Traveling Salesman Joke

Back at the beginning of 1930, there was a traveling salesman who vowed to sell his product in every state in the country. He started in Maine and worked his way across all the northern states. He was so good at selling that he never had to pay for a hotel room. He always could talk people into putt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy in the pub accused me of being gay...

I was so offended I immediately challenged him to a dance off

My wife just accused me of having never achieved anything in life because of my addiction to board games.

I think she must have forgotten that time I won second prize in a beauty contest. . .

Did you hear about the baker who was accused of stealing bagels?

He told them they needed proof

I was accused of throwing shade today

All I did was toss them the sunglasses they asked for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer man was accused of having sex with his sheep

The farmer simply replied "Fuck what you heard."

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book.

Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.

My wife accused me of mansplaining the little details

So I had to put it in broad terms

Police are on the hunt for a South Korean man accused of murdering his wife.

He is the Seoul suspect.

While I was drunk last night, I was apparently accused of witchcraft

The next day, I was hung over

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.