It's Trump's own fault that he lost...

He spent 4 years saying, "Make America Great Again", so this week 74 million people finally did.

An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.

It was a turtle disaster.

It's not my fault I'm a sunophile.

It's just so hot and attractive.

Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's...

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don’t listen and something else...

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I got arrested for molestation for no fault of mine

I was in the elevator when this gorgeous woman walked in wearing a low cut blouse exposing her perfectly sized breasts.

When she caught me checking on them , she angrily said

" Stop staring and press one quickly".

And I did exactly what she said

A woman's faults are many, but we men have only two.

Every single thing we say and everything we do.

Quite frankly its the stores fault for all this looting..

..they essentially painted a large Target on their forehead

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It’s not my fault that I shit my pants on a daily basis

It runs in my genes

My father always told me, "Don't be too quick to find faults"

Great man, terrible geologist.

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

Cops smashed my phone.

Cops smashed my phone. Well it's my fault for having it on the dark mode.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

Coronavirus is all Gen Z’s fault

They wanted everything to go viral, now look what’s happened.

Mario is breaking up with Princess Peach

Peach: Is it me? Is it my fault?


Mario: No, it's-a not-a you, it's-a me, Mario!

I failed German class, but I think it's not my fault

If not for my grandpa, we'd all be speaking German.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ricky Gervais dies and is met by God at the Pearly Gates

Ricky: Holy Shit! -- Oops. Sorry. Just can't believe heaven is real.

God: It is Ricky but I'm sad to say you won't be entering.

Ricky: What? Alright so I didn't believe and pray and all that jazz, but I was a pretty decent person. I did some good stuff.

God: You did, unfortunate...

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, ‟We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was ont rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.”

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and...

My last girlfriend was a Geologist...

She kept finding faults in me. Cracks soon appeared and we eventually split.

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My buddy told me he always cries after sex.....

I told him it was his fault for getting sent to prison in the first place

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?

Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .

Guy : Leave it bro, it was my...

Earthquakes are confusing

We know where the fault lies but we have no one to blame

It was late at night and the salesman had been driving for a while

The rain was as heavy as his eyelids and, as he nodded off and lost control. The car swerved left, then right before crashing upside down into a ditch.

The guy came round, the water in the ditch lapping round his head, he pulled himself loose, feeling the blood running down his head. He stagg...

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that....

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder...

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".
...

In a macho world, if a man runs over a woman, whose fault is it?

Obviously, the man's fault!
Why the heck is the man driving in the kitchen!?

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If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

I farted in an Apple store and it smelled so bad they kicked me out.

It’s not my fault, they didn’t have Windows

People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect.

I was born without a humerus.

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

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My wife shouted, "Where the fuck have you been!? It's been three days!" I replied, "It's your fault!"

"When I went out, you told me not to come home drunk again!"

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

It's not my fault that I hate typing mistakes, it's in my blood

I'm type O negative.

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It wasn't my fault

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dr...

A dumb joke I thought of a couple weeks ago.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Neither party can agree on who’s fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective’s first day on the job and his boss tells him, “If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail yo...

I think geology is the most important field in science.

Sure, it has its faults, but on the hole, it's ground-breaking.

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My wife asked why i always come back with a boner after i go to the toilet?

Its not my fault they put a mirror in there!

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

My wife would be upset - (Long)

I was going on my motorbike when I saw a car coming the wrong way on a oneway road. An extremely beautiful woman was at the driving seat. I was so distracted that I had to swerve last minute to avoid the car which led to me losing control and ending up in a ditch next to the road. After a minute or...

John came to school with a scar on his forehead

Tom asked him what do you have on your face?
John answered that it was a scar and it was his fathers fault. John explained that he hit a nail with his fist, and his father told him that he really should use his head sometimes.

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

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Two old widowers

Two old friends, both widowers, are sitting on a bench recounting the days of their youth and discussing what they've done in life.

Widower 1: My only regret is that I cheated on my wife early on in our marriage. I can only admit it now as my wife is no longer alive. I was young and foolish a...

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I fucked her twin sister.

It’s not my fault. They’re conjoined at the hip.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

I just burned 3,000 calories!!

My fault for leaving my brownies in the oven while I took a nap though.

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

Whose fault was it that Santa lost his way?

Rudolph's, off course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

My gf is a snake...

Whenever you ask her whose fault was it, she goes "HISSSSSSSSSS"

It's not my fault I'm single...

I was born this way.

What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?

Whoops, my fault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class...

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though t...

I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation.

You might say I’m generous to a fault.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comm...

Rabbi John is arguing with three other Rabbis over a passage in the Torah.

He argues with them for over an hour before he says

Rabbi John: Alright you three think you're right and I think I'm right. Let's ask God.

The four men walk outside to a cliff, and John shouts to the sky


Rabbi John: God if I'm right send me a sign!


Storm clouds ...

My grandad is getting old and he’s “starting to have a hard time with all the stares”

It’s his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.

A New Gadget

“Bob came home looking utterly wretched and buried his head in his hands.

“I’ve been sacked,” he told his wife.

“After 35 years of doing the same job, day in, day out, I have been replaced by an electronic gadget the size of a flashlight.

And the awful thing is,” he continued, “...

My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."

"Who's there?"

"Boo."

"Boo who?"

"CHICAGO"

He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to Hell, this works out.

Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.

I moved my girlfriend's vase to the top shelf

Then there was an earthquake and the vase fell off and broke.

My girlfriend was angry with me, but it wasn't my fault.

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employ...

And now, two guys bonding over their star sign as well as a short summary of The Fault in out Stars

"Cancer?"

"Cancer."

Went out with this girl I met on Ok Cupid, I think we clicked, but I never asked her out again. I know this makes me shallow, I just couldn't handle how many kids she had.

To be fair, it was my own fault, she clearly stated in her profile that she was a goat farmer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

call him maestro... or else

many years ago there was an orchestra in omaha whose conductor was notoriously ill tempered. he would fly off the handle at the smallest mistake, yet he would never offer any constructive criticism. he thought he was the greatest, and demanded to be called maestro. but sometimes, he'd give the wrong...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That Ol' Gloria (NSFW)

Gloria was not a pretty woman. She had never been in love and only rarely had laid with a man. Alone by the time of her 55th birthday, her only accomplishments in life were a storied golf career and her many rescued cats. Sadly, in her misery and depression, Gloria took her own life. Written in her ...

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it...

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

Offensive crayon ideas!

Presidential Orange

Miscarriage Maroon

Privilege White

Travel Ban Brown

Lives Matter Black

"I should have known better than to talk to him like that, these bruises are my fault" Blue

The last fight I had with my wife was my fault.

She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home.

I said, “Well, whose fault is that?”

It's not my fault that I'm lazy.

It walks in the family.

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is mad at me cause I made out with her twin

Like its not my fault, how was I supposed to know. She's like, "But he has a penis" and I'm like and your point is?... Now what do I do? Like I promise it won't happen again

Its not my fault I have a double-chin... When God was giving out chins..

I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

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