My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else...

Motorcyclist runs over a woman who's at fault?

The motorcyclist, wtf was he doing riding in the kitchen?

For all Bill Cosby's faults...

he did touch a lot of people.

A guy was driving his truck and ran it into a woman and killed her ... whose fault was it?

Obviously the man's, he shouldn't have been driving in someone's kitchen.

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

Like my Grandad always said "Don't be too quick to find faults"

Great man, terrible geologist.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

It's not my fault that I hate typing mistakes, it's in my blood

I'm type O negative.

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My wife shouted, "Where the fuck have you been!? It's been three days!" I replied, "It's your fault!"

"When I went out, you told me not to come home drunk again!"

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

For all its faults, social media has really helped tackle loneliness

If you spend any time on it, you start thinking, 'Thank god I'm alone.'

What do you call a buck, doe, or fawn that, through no fault if its own and most likely the result of a congenital birth defect, has no organs with which to see?

No eye deer.

People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect.

I was born without a humerus.

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

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It wasn't my fault

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dr...

A woman and man get into a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.


After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin t...

3. A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replies...

In the courtroom, Jesus found a man that could not walk, Jesus asked...

“Have you been involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault?”

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

We just flew into Atlanta, and the landing was HORRIBLE.

After the overhead bins quit popping open and the bouncing stopped and the dust settled, the flight attendant got on the intercom and explained.

“I just want to apologize for that terrible landing, but keep in mind that it wasn’t the pilot’s fault. And it wasn’t the airplane’s fault. It was ...

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

It's sad when people can't admit their faults.

I totally would if I had any.

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

I was dating a tennis player, but then she cheated on me

For a while I was at my break point until I realized it wasn’t my fault. Love means nothing to them.

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For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

When have videogames ever hurt anyone?

Well actually, three thousand people were killed in California in the 1906 earthquake. That was San Andreas's fault.

did you hear about the earthquake in california?

it was all san andreas fault

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

Telling a lie....

Telling a Lie is a

sin for a child,

fault for an adult,

an art for a lover,

a profession for a lawyer,

a requirement for a politician,

a management tool for a boss,

an accomplishment for a bachelor,

an excuse for a subordinate, but

A mat...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

My sister in California said she felt two earthquakes just in the last week.

I told her it was her fault.

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The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

It's not my fault I'm single...

I was born this way.

I got kicked out of the Apple store for farting

It’s not my fault they didn’t have Windows

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

Snow White was texting the prince...

when a horse and carriage came out of no where and hit her. Unfortunately, she died on the spot.

The driver of the horse and carriage cried, “It wasn’t my fault. She was distracted by her cell phone!”

Within hours, the entire kingdom learned of Snow White’s death. When the prince event...

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3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

A football team loses the championship...

Everyone on the team knows it was the coaches fault. After the match, the players invite the coach to the party. Confused, the coach asks: "Why are we having a party? We lost!". The players respond: "It's your retirement party!".

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A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him "Excuse me can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2 346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says "You must...

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Bob and Pete went treasure hunting in a deep jungle (sad story)

"Damn it Pete, it's been three days we've got no burgers, no beer, not even a couch and It's all your fault!"

"Won't be long now Bob, the map says it's somewhere 'round here... how 'bout you go east i go west that would save us some time right?"

"Right... This better be worth it Pete"<...

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

I didn't say it was your fault

I said I was blaming you

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

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A passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up the footpath and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Buddy, don’t ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me!”

The passenger after apologi...

The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architec...

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Yesterday my wife said I must really be fucking stupid for coming home so late

Hey, it's not my fault her sister's an idiot.

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A guy was sleeping with a girl other than his wife...

...he then hears his wife knocking on the door.so he wished that the other girl would disappear,then a fairy appeared and told him that she would grant him his wish but he would drown in 2 years.he accepted and the girl vanished.two years later his friend told him about a vacation on a cruise ship.o...

Fish will be extinct by 2020 in the US

Their fault cause they gather in schools

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Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

And now, two guys bonding over their star sign as well as a short summary of The Fault in out Stars

"Cancer?"

"Cancer."

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First thing men look into a women is her heart

That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.

I just saw toy story 4 and I had CHILLS

I mean it was my fault I should have grabbed a jacket, and the movie was pretty good too

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

The place goes dead silent. The cowboy orders a drink, and the bartender asks, “Boy, you know you ain’t got no clothes on?”

“Yup,” drawls the cowboy, “but it ain’t my fault.”

“Ain’t yer fault?” says another fella in disbelief. “How’d you get nekkid, t...

Two strings walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEA&#65535;Segmentation Fault".

The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

In contrast to God, scientists must have a very low self esteem.

Whenever the result of an experiment differs from the prediction, they think it was their fault.

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My Loving Wife

A couple years ago I met the love of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, and compliments all of my weaknesses with her strengths. Recently, she became pregnant and I could not be more filled with joy. We found out we were having a boy, which was the perfect icing on the cake. Now there will be so...

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My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin...

...I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.

It's not my fault that I'm lazy.

It walks in the family.

The last fight I had with my wife was my fault.

She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."

Its not my fault I have a double-chin... When God was giving out chins..

I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

A beautiful woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a...

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How many political pundits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just bitch about how the darkness is the other party's fault.

They caught me throwing presents into the San Andreas.

But I’ve always been generous to a fault.

Canadians are perfect retail workers.

They are excellent at apologizing for everything, even if it is not their own fault.

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

Everyone's attacking Rubio, but it's not his fault

His aide wrote the same thing on both his palms.

A tectonic plate bump into another one and said....

My fault.

Two troublesome boys

So these two kids are just the worst. They're 8 and 6, and they get into trouble every day. Kicking cats, firecrackers in mailboxes, the works. If something is broken or missing in their neighborhood, it's these kids' fault.

Their parents are at their wits end; they've tried grounding th...

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

About 6 months ago I got a promotion

So naturally I wanted to celebrate. On my way home I grabbed a handle of captain and a litre of cola. I invited my friend Frank to have a few drinks with me. We ordered a pizza, played some Mariokart, got drunk and passed out. Nothing crazy.

The next morning Frank was still there (he usually ...

Design Fault

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thi...

An elderly couple died in a car crash

They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.

So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation ...

Dad Joke

An airplane crashed into our house last night.

It was my Dad's fault though,

he left the landing light on!

My friends found a cool racing game.

Recently my friends and I found an interesting new game, it’s sort of like a mix of an MMORPG and a racing game. You play as a car and you level up and get cool new gear and it makes you better and also looks cooler.

Anyway, we played this game for quite a while, slowly improving and getting ...

I was fired from an Apple Store because of sleeping on the job.

It's not my fault there are so many sheep to count.

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