Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's...

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

My wife says I only have two faults.

I don't listen - and something else...

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It’s not my fault that I shit my pants on a daily basis

It runs in my genes

Quite frankly its the stores fault for all this looting..

..they essentially painted a large Target on their forehead

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Coronavirus is all Gen Z’s fault

They wanted everything to go viral, now look what’s happened.

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

I failed German class, but I think it's not my fault

If not for my grandpa, we'd all be speaking German.

For all Bill Cosby's faults...

he did touch a lot of people.

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

My father always told me, "Don't be too quick to find faults"

Great man, terrible geologist.

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

A guy was driving his truck and ran it into a woman and killed her ... whose fault was it?

Obviously the man's, he shouldn't have been driving in someone's kitchen.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

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A panda walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a sandwich. Upon consuming it, he pulls out a pistol and shoots the bartender, then leave.

After a chase ensued the police begin to apprehend the panda. However, due to his size, they can't do it without the panda's co-operation, and every time the police try to rest...

People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect.

I was born without a humerus.

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home.

I said, “Well, whose fault is that?”

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Angry wife

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”



“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing...

What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?

Whoops, my fault.

My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."

"Who's there?"

"Boo."

"Boo who?"

"CHICAGO"

He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to Hell, this works out.

Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it...

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the...

What’s the difference between I.T. and management?

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”...

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My wife shouted, "Where the fuck have you been!? It's been three days!" I replied, "It's your fault!"

"When I went out, you told me not to come home drunk again!"

Rabbi John is arguing with three other Rabbis over a passage in the Torah.

He argues with them for over an hour before he says

Rabbi John: Alright you three think you're right and I think I'm right. Let's ask God.

The four men walk outside to a cliff, and John shouts to the sky


Rabbi John: God if I'm right send me a sign!


Storm clouds ...

It's not my fault that I hate typing mistakes, it's in my blood

I'm type O negative.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my boyfriend was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhe...

Offensive crayon ideas!

Presidential Orange

Miscarriage Maroon

Privilege White

Travel Ban Brown

Lives Matter Black

"I should have known better than to talk to him like that, these bruises are my fault" Blue

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It wasn't my fault

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dr...

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

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My girlfriend is mad at me cause I made out with her twin

Like its not my fault, how was I supposed to know. She's like, "But he has a penis" and I'm like and your point is?... Now what do I do? Like I promise it won't happen again

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That Ol' Gloria (NSFW)

Gloria was not a pretty woman. She had never been in love and only rarely had laid with a man. Alone by the time of her 55th birthday, her only accomplishments in life were a storied golf career and her many rescued cats. Sadly, in her misery and depression, Gloria took her own life. Written in her ...

I farted in an apple store.

Not my fault they didn't have Windows.

Accident

A Dutchman is driving in Belgium when he hits a Belgian car. The Belgian whose car he hit was upset, as it was severely dented and the Dutchman was clearly at fault. But the Dutchman, unwilling to pay for the damages, managed to calm him down by explaining to him how to remove the dents: "Just blow ...

A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]

A man wins the lottery after year...

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For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

A plane is landing and slams into the ground a bit roughly...

The Captain comes on the intercom. “Ladies and Gentleman, on behalf of the entire crew we would like to apologize for the rough landing you just experienced.”

“However, I want to ensure you that it was not my fault.”

“Additionally, it was not the co-pilot’s fault either.”

“It wa...

Whose fault was it that Santa lost his way?

Rudolph's, off course.

My book is coming out soon

But don't worry, it's my fault, I shouldn't have eaten it.

The ghost of Ronald Reagan floats into a man's house

As he walks through the wall the man exclaims to his friend 'look dude! Holy s**t its Ronald Reagan! Head on upstairs Mr Reagan you can haunt the attic!'

A few minutes later another ghost floats in, this time its David Bowie. Again the guy yells in excitement 'Dude! It's David Bowie! Mr Bowie...

My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool.

I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

I started having an affair with a married woman.

As an eligible bachelor, I started to have an affair with a married woman. We kept our activities discrete in order to avoid detection from her husband. We meet every Tuesday and Thursday in the evening because that’s when her husband is supposed to be out working.

Unfortunately, the husband ...

The European Union is like a bad boss.

If everything goes well it’s thanks to it but if something goes wrong it’s your fault.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

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Farmer problems (long joke)

There was a farmer, who owned a Datsun Ute. He used this Datsun for all his farm work, feeding the horses.. Throwing bails of hay out the back of it.. Carrying firewood and what not. When all of sudden one day, chug chug chug it breaks down.

So he decides to go back to the shed to grab his tr...

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NSFW so I met this girl at a bar last night...

We had a really good time so I brought her home, but I couldn't believe it when she pissed on my floor.. it's probably my fault though. When she asked me to grade her looks on a scale of one to ten I told her, "you're an eight."

A man walks into an Apple store

A man walks into an Apple store and begins to browse some of the items. He looks at phones, then the computers. He finally decides to go to the tablets. In this area, there were a lot more people than in other places.

Suddenly, he released a massive fart that everybody in a 30 ft radius heard...

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The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

Boston people are so rude.

I see this guy searching under his Prius, and I ask him how I can help.

He tells me hes looking for his shorts, and then flips out when I point out he is wearing them.

Its not my fault the idiot told me he lost his khakis.

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes."

"*These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam.*"

The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a dra...

Why are geologists so hypercritical?

Its their job to find the faults of things.

I was arrested at the bank for indecent exposure

It wasn't my fault though. I was having trouble swiping my card through the machine and the teller said, "strip down facing me"

I was in a car accident

wasn't my fault the driver in front car stalled, as we were both getting out of our cars I realized he was a dwarf. He walked over to assess the damage, shuck his head and said, I'm not happy, to which I replied well then which one are you?

Interviewer: Why you want to work on Customer Service?

Me: Well, I am very good at apologising for things that are not my fault.

Interviewer: Did you acquire that experience on your previous job?

Me: No, my relationship.

It's not my fault I'm single...

I was born this way.

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

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A young passenger tapped cab driver on the shoulder to hand him the money

Cab driver screamed; lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the cab driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."...

We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of t...

I have broken my arm in several places

Well honestly, it’s my fault went to those places

And now, two guys bonding over their star sign as well as a short summary of The Fault in out Stars

"Cancer?"

"Cancer."

I was dating a tennis player, but then she cheated on me

For a while I was at my break point until I realized it wasn’t my fault. Love means nothing to them.

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

The last fight I had with my wife was my fault.

She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."

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German Naval Captain got transferred to a U-Boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

My ex wife was a Seismologist.

She was was great at finding faults.

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A Blonde Phone Call to Mom

Hi Mom, it's me.
"Hi Sally, are you okay?
I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"Oh, I punch...

In the courtroom, Jesus found a man that could not walk, Jesus asked...

“Have you been involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work all year 6 days a week so the kids can have a brilliant Christmas,

all the presents they want, and who gets all the credit?..that fat cunt with the beard, my fault for marrying him I suppose!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Michael Moore's first cut of a certain movie involved lots of pornstars and oral sex. But people didn't like it, so he cut that out. It wasn't the pornstars fault though.

They tried their best and were blowing for Columbine

It's not my fault that I'm lazy.

It walks in the family.

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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

Its not my fault I have a double-chin... When God was giving out chins..

I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

Telling a lie....

Telling a Lie is a

sin for a child,

fault for an adult,

an art for a lover,

a profession for a lawyer,

a requirement for a politician,

a management tool for a boss,

an accomplishment for a bachelor,

an excuse for a subordinate, but

A mat...

We just flew into Atlanta, and the landing was HORRIBLE.

After the overhead bins quit popping open and the bouncing stopped and the dust settled, the flight attendant got on the intercom and explained.

“I just want to apologize for that terrible landing, but keep in mind that it wasn’t the pilot’s fault. And it wasn’t the airplane’s fault. It was ...

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