I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

For all Bill Cosby's faults...

he did touch a lot of people.

It's not my fault that I hate typing mistakes, it's in my blood

I'm type O negative.

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My wife says I only have two faults.

I don't listen, and some other shit she was rattling on about.

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My wife shouted, "Where the fuck have you been!? It's been three days!" I replied, "It's your fault!"

"When I went out, you told me not to come home drunk again!"

People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect.

I was born without a humerus.

For all its faults, social media has really helped tackle loneliness

If you spend any time on it, you start thinking, 'Thank god I'm alone.'

The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architec...

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

It's sad when people can't admit their faults.

I totally would if I had any.

For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

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It wasn't my fault

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dr...

A man crashes into a women, whose fault was it?

It's the man, who drives in the kitchen?

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

A man driving a car crashed into a woman. Who's fault was it?

The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?

They caught me throwing presents into the San Andreas.

But I’ve always been generous to a fault.

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The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

It's not my fault I'm single...

I was born this way.

My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults"...

Good man, terrible geologist...

[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

The Hotel California was destroyed last night and they’re looking for the suspect.

Evidence is pointing that its San Andreas’ fault

If someone is killed by an earthquake,

is it murder by de*fault*?

And now, two guys bonding over their star sign as well as a short summary of The Fault in out Stars

"Cancer?"

"Cancer."

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said

"Sorry. My fault"

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

The last fight I had with my wife was my fault.

She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."

Everyone's attacking Rubio, but it's not his fault

His aide wrote the same thing on both his palms.

Design Fault

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thi...

It's not my fault that I'm lazy.

It walks in the family.

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Sure, he's got his faults, like -- he's a necromancer, and a hoarder...

... but doesn't everybody have a few skeletons in their closet?

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He ***reduces*** his ***altitude*** and ***spots*** a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, ***hoveri...

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas...

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3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

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A passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up the footpath and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Buddy, don’t ever do that again. You scared the shit out of me!”

The passenger after apologi...

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A guy was sleeping with a girl other than his wife...

...he then hears his wife knocking on the door.so he wished that the other girl would disappear,then a fairy appeared and told him that she would grant him his wish but he would drown in 2 years.he accepted and the girl vanished.two years later his friend told him about a vacation on a cruise ship.o...

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My Loving Wife

A couple years ago I met the love of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, and compliments all of my weaknesses with her strengths. Recently, she became pregnant and I could not be more filled with joy. We found out we were having a boy, which was the perfect icing on the cake. Now there will be so...

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There were three engineers in a car.

One was ***an electrical engineer***, one was ***a chemical engineer*** and one was a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stopped by the side of the road, and the three engineers looked at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggested ***stripping down*** the elec...

Two strings walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEASegmentation Fault".

The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

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First thing men look into a women is her heart

That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

The place goes dead silent. The cowboy orders a drink, and the bartender asks, “Boy, you know you ain’t got no clothes on?”

“Yup,” drawls the cowboy, “but it ain’t my fault.”

“Ain’t yer fault?” says another fella in disbelief. “How’d you get nekkid, t...

A beautiful woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a...

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

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