I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

For all Bill Cosby's faults...

he did touch a lot of people.

A guy was driving his truck and ran it into a woman and killed her ... whose fault was it?

Obviously the man's, he shouldn't have been driving in someone's kitchen.

People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect.

I was born without a humerus.

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My wife says I only have two faults.

I don't listen, and some other shit she was rattling on about.

Like my Grandad always said "Don't be too quick to find faults"

Great man, terrible geologist.

It's not my fault that I hate typing mistakes, it's in my blood

I'm type O negative.

For all its faults, social media has really helped tackle loneliness

If you spend any time on it, you start thinking, 'Thank god I'm alone.'

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My wife shouted, "Where the fuck have you been!? It's been three days!" I replied, "It's your fault!"

"When I went out, you told me not to come home drunk again!"

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It wasn't my fault

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dr...

The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architec...

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

It's sad when people can't admit their faults.

I totally would if I had any.

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

They caught me throwing presents into the San Andreas.

But I’ve always been generous to a fault.

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The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

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For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

It's not my fault I'm single...

I was born this way.

[spoilers] Roses are red, the sea's full of salt

Everyone's dead, It's all Star Lord's fault.

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

The Hotel California was destroyed last night and they’re looking for the suspect.

Evidence is pointing that its San Andreas’ fault

If someone is killed by an earthquake,

is it murder by de*fault*?

And now, two guys bonding over their star sign as well as a short summary of The Fault in out Stars

"Cancer?"

"Cancer."

What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him?

Sorry, my fault.

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Michael Moore's first cut of a certain movie involved lots of pornstars and oral sex. But people didn't like it, so he cut that out. It wasn't the pornstars fault though.

They tried their best and were blowing for Columbine

It's not my fault that I'm lazy.

It walks in the family.

The last fight I had with my wife was my fault.

She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."

Everyone's attacking Rubio, but it's not his fault

His aide wrote the same thing on both his palms.

3. A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replies...

A woman and man get into a car accident.

Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.


After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin t...

Design Fault

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thi...

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Sure, he's got his faults, like -- he's a necromancer, and a hoarder...

... but doesn't everybody have a few skeletons in their closet?

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

I was dating a tennis player, but then she cheated on me

For a while I was at my break point until I realized it wasn’t my fault. Love means nothing to them.

Kosher Deli

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas...

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

Telling a lie....

Telling a Lie is a

sin for a child,

fault for an adult,

an art for a lover,

a profession for a lawyer,

a requirement for a politician,

a management tool for a boss,

an accomplishment for a bachelor,

an excuse for a subordinate, but

A mat...

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

I got kicked out of the Apple store for farting

It’s not my fault they didn’t have Windows

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Bob and Pete went treasure hunting in a deep jungle (sad story)

"Damn it Pete, it's been three days we've got no burgers, no beer, not even a couch and It's all your fault!"

"Won't be long now Bob, the map says it's somewhere 'round here... how 'bout you go east i go west that would save us some time right?"

"Right... This better be worth it Pete"<...

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

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3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He ***reduces*** his ***altitude*** and ***spots*** a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, ***hoveri...

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

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