UPJOKE
flawdefecterrormistakeblameimperfectionblunderbreakdownresponsibilityholefailurewrongoversightblooperlapse

Not having rich parents is not your fault

Not having rich parents in law is 100% your fault.

^^^^not ^^^^sure ^^^^if ^^^^this ^^^^is ^^^^a ^^^^joke ^^^^or ^^^^just ^^^^showerthoughts

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Why is it that when a guy can't find a girl's clit, it's the guy's fault

But when a girl can't find a guy's penis, somehow that's also the guy's fault?

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's.

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

A hetero couple posted to r/twoXchromosomes to settle a dispute. One spouse had given their child a bike riding lesson but left the bike in the driveway. The other then backed their car over the bike. Who was at fault—the spouse who left the bike there or the spouse who didn’t check behind them?

The subreddit overwhelming responded: The husband.

Anti vaccine americans being ignorant isn't their fault

They didn't go to school because they are scared of being shot

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"



The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."



"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
...

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

A Doctor and a Patient are both in a Mental Hospital

Sitting in the Doctors Office, the Doctor struck up a conversation with the Patient:

Doctor: I read here in your file that you recently saved another patient from drowning, is this correct?

Patient: Yes, he shouldn’t have been swimming in the deep end I told him not to

Doctor: W...

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The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

It's not my fault I'm such a pessimist.

My blood type is B Negative.

My wife always gets upset when I bring my work home

Is it my fault we’re short staffed down at the morgue?

What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when they bumped into eachother?

"Sorry, that was my fault."

I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.

I hate being so paranoid, but its the CIA's fault.

its the drugs they put in my coffee.

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So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

It's Trump's own fault that he lost...

He spent 4 years saying, "Make America Great Again", so this week 74 million people finally did.

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Being interviewed for a job, a man is asked,

"What would you say is your worst trait?"

"I'm honest to a fault", responded the man."

"Uhh well, nice try. I don't think that really qualifies as a '-WORST' trait. Try again."

Oh yeah!? Well, I really don't give a fuck what you think!

It's the arabs fault that 9/11-

Isn't called IX/XI

My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”.

Good man, terrible geologist.

An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.

It was a turtle disaster.

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

Why should you never date a seismologist?

She is always looking for faults.

Mark Zuckerberg’s car hit someone’s car

Guy: *angry* Do you know who I am?!

Mark: Yes, your name is Andrew Smith, you have 122 friends out of which 30 are females, and your wife has 652 friends and 600 of them are males. Last year she messaged with a guy named Michael…

Guy: OKAY. Enough! The accident was my fault, just leave...

Quite frankly its the stores fault for all this looting..

..they essentially painted a large Target on their forehead

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

A woman's faults are many, but we men have only two.

Every single thing we say and everything we do.

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I got arrested for molestation for no fault of mine

I was in the elevator when this gorgeous woman walked in wearing a low cut blouse exposing her perfectly sized breasts.

When she caught me checking on them , she angrily said

" Stop staring and press one quickly".

And I did exactly what she said

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Me and my wife got into a heated argument best she found out I was visiting prostitutes for sex.

I told her she couldn’t blame me she would hardly ever give it up.

She said that it’s my own fault I never told her I was willing to pay for it.

I failed German class, but I think it's not my fault

If not for my grandpa, we'd all be speaking German.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Coronavirus is all Gen Z’s fault

They wanted everything to go viral, now look what’s happened.

It's not my fault I'm a sunophile.

It's just so hot and attractive.

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I got punched in the temple yesterday

But it was my fault. I shouldn't have called the Rabbi a cunt

George and Muriel died and went to Heaven...

They had been married for well over 70 years, and both were in excellent health. Their bodies were just too old to continue and they passed away of natural causes at the ripe age of 106 and 108, hours apart. Their longevity was due to the strictly healthy diet Muriel kept them on.

St. Peter ...

My ex-wife calls me "earthquake."

Because whenever we have a dispute, I'm always at fault.

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A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

I had the rudest, slowest, nastiest cashier today!

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self checkout lane.

Once there was a prince who, through no fault of his own was placed under a curse by a witch.

The curse dictated that he was only allowed to speak one word a year. However, he could build up credits if he had not spoken for a year.

One day, a beautiful princess came to his kingdom, and he decided to refrain from speaking for two years so that he could say "My darling."

However,...

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My wife shouted, "Where the fuck have you been!? It's been three days!" I replied, "It's your fault!"

"When I went out, you told me not to come home drunk again!"

A Priest asks an atheist, what if god is real?

Atheist: He will forgive me

Priest: Why?

Atheist: Its his fault I am an atheist.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

People tell me I don’t have a sense of humor. It’s not my fault. I was born with a serious birth defect.

I was born without a humerus.

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

My friend was kicked out of the local bar for shouting “Small tower ! Small tower on a Castle wall !!”

It is not his fault his has Turrets.

In a macho world, if a man runs over a woman, whose fault is it?

Obviously, the man's fault!
Why the heck is the man driving in the kitchen!?

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.

"I've cooked dinner," she screamed. "And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."

"Woooah! That's bang out of order," I said. "It's not his fault!"

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It wasn't my fault

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dr...

Put your foot in it eh?

I came home from work to a note from the wife saying;
"I've left you because you are stupid and bigoted".

I'm not stupid, I'm dyslexic and its not my fault I've got big toes!

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For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

The governor of Florida had enough

The governor of Florida had enough of the Florida jokes. It was affecting their tourism and he was always made fun of at the annual governor softball tournament. He sat in his office all day and thought of ways how to change this.

One day, the governor of Alabama called. It was a social call...

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

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The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

The last fight I had with my wife was my fault.

She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."

It's not my fault I'm single...

I was born this way.

It's not my fault that I'm lazy.

It walks in the family.

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Why did the butt inspector cross the road?

To check out the new ass fault

And now, two guys bonding over their star sign as well as a short summary of The Fault in out Stars

"Cancer?"

"Cancer."

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

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I fell in my driveway

I guess you can say it was my own ass fault.

Whose fault is it that California always has earthquakes?

San Andreas fault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

The night bus is on the highway from New York to Miami.

A man trying to sleep is annoyed by a woman switching places between seat 8 and seat 14 every ten minutes.

The man: Excuse me mam, what are you doing?

The woman: It is my husbands fault. He said, if I book two seats I would sleep more comfortable.

A man kisses his wife goodbye and leaves to work early in the morning

His wife calls her 2 lovers to come in just as her husband leaves. None less than 2 hours later the husband arrives.

"Quick hide, it's my husband" she says to the 2 men.

The first guy hides in the attic and the second one hides under the bed.

The man enters the bedroom seemingly...

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

Its not my fault I have a double-chin... When God was giving out chins..

I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

Everyone's attacking Rubio, but it's not his fault

His aide wrote the same thing on both his palms.

What did a tectonic plate say to another tectonic plate after they accidentally collided?

Sorry, my fault.



(I'm sure it's been said before, but I still giggled at that one)

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