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Fault Jokes

When women can't climax, it's our fault,

but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been complaining that someone has been sexually harassing her at work, but I think it's her fault

Honestly, what does she expect working from home

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A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault.

She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

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Why is it that when a guy can't find a girl's clit, it's the guy's fault

But when a girl can't find a guy's penis, somehow that's also the guy's fault?

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's.

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

Not having rich parents is not your fault

Not having rich parents in law is 100% your fault.

^^^^not ^^^^sure ^^^^if ^^^^this ^^^^is ^^^^a ^^^^joke ^^^^or ^^^^just ^^^^showerthoughts

Chinese takeout: $25.00, Gas to get there: $2.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes: Riceless.

One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products.

I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

for the longest time I've been told that we canadians apologize for a lot of things that aren't even our fault in the slightest

So in the name of all canadians I'd like to apologize for that

Anti vaccine americans being ignorant isn't their fault

They didn't go to school because they are scared of being shot

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills

# For all who know/knew that poem of Rudyard Kipling’s, “If”

**A delightful take-off!**

**If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,**

**If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,**

**If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,*...

A hetero couple posted to r/twoXchromosomes to settle a dispute. One spouse had given their child a bike riding lesson but left the bike in the driveway. The other then backed their car over the bike. Who was at fault—the spouse who left the bike there or the spouse who didn’t check behind them?

The subreddit overwhelming responded: The husband.

A council worker is digging holes, while another worker immediately fills them in.

A man is watching two council workers busy in a local park. One digs a hole, moves a couple of meters and digs another hole, and so on. The other worker follows the first, immediately filling in all the holes the first worker has dug.

The man watching is furious, and approaches them saying,...

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

A teacher just graded one of her students’ homework 9/10 and 14/10

The student was so happy and she showed it to her mom as soon as she reached home.

However, the mom feels mildly disturbed as she thought the 14/10 didn’t make any sense. “14 out of 10? The teacher was just randomly writing the grade, so irresponsible”, she thought like this and the next day ...

It's Trump's own fault that he lost...

He spent 4 years saying, "Make America Great Again", so this week 74 million people finally did.

It's not my fault I'm such a pessimist.

My blood type is B Negative.

A man crashes his car

When the cops arrive on the scene , he is protesting loudly that it’s this woman’s fault. “Officer, she was texting on her phone and drinking a beer!”
The officer replied “Sir, she can do whatever she wants in her living room”.

It's the arabs fault that 9/11-

Isn't called IX/XI

I hate being so paranoid, but its the CIA's fault.

its the drugs they put in my coffee.

Today I had the meanest, slowest, rudest cashier I've ever had.

I guess it's my fault for using the self checkout.

I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.

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A man and a woman decide to hook up for the night

The man has a 2" penis, but the woman is so horny she doesn't care. After an hour of love-making, she starts getting upset because she hasn't had an orgasm yet.

The man notices notices her frustration and asks "what's wrong?"

She responds, "I've never had it take so long to have an org...

An electrical fault at the zoo saw the entire tortoise population electrocuted.

It was a turtle disaster.

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My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

Quite frankly its the stores fault for all this looting..

..they essentially painted a large Target on their forehead

It’s true women do make less money than men

But it’s their fault because they choose the lower paying jobs. Men, for example, choose the higher paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.

My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults”.

Good man, terrible geologist.

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

Coronavirus is all Gen Z’s fault

They wanted everything to go viral, now look what’s happened.

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to...

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

A woman's faults are many, but we men have only two.

Every single thing we say and everything we do.

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

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I got arrested for molestation for no fault of mine

I was in the elevator when this gorgeous woman walked in wearing a low cut blouse exposing her perfectly sized breasts.

When she caught me checking on them , she angrily said

" Stop staring and press one quickly".

And I did exactly what she said

It's not my fault I'm a sunophile.

It's just so hot and attractive.

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I got a headache after sex.

It was my fault for banging myself on the coffin lid.

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

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My wife shouted, "Where the fuck have you been!? It's been three days!" I replied, "It's your fault!"

"When I went out, you told me not to come home drunk again!"

Did'ya hear about the BBQ pitmaster who got a really bad massage?

It was all his fault though, he asked for a "Dry Rub."

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The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.

The fact that her breasts block the view is not our fault.

In a macho world, if a man runs over a woman, whose fault is it?

Obviously, the man's fault!
Why the heck is the man driving in the kitchen!?

What did one earthquake say to the other earthquake?

It's not my fault!

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For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judge, angrily: Excuse me father, did you just say that it was all those kids' fault and not yours?

Father: Yes, everytime they saw me they would just start chanting frantically 'jizz us'.

The last fight I had with my wife was my fault.

She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, "Dust."

A Doctor and a Patient are both in a Mental Hospital

Sitting in the Doctors Office, the Doctor struck up a conversation with the Patient:

Doctor: I read here in your file that you recently saved another patient from drowning, is this correct?

Patient: Yes, he shouldn’t have been swimming in the deep end I told him not to

Doctor: W...

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

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It wasn't my fault

Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dr...

Frankenstein's monster went to a party

The Bride asks him if he wants to dance, but the monster declines. She asks him if he has Two Left Feet, and he confirms it. "It's not my fault. The Doctor couldn't find a right foot for me."

A Texan rancher gets visited by his cousin from California.

After some friendly catching up the cousin asks him, „if there were any quiet spots in the area where one might be able to smoke a blunt in peace“. The rancher answers „sure, you can go over there, near the cow pasture is a nice bench you can sit on“
His cousin thanks him and the rancher goes to ...

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

It's not my fault that I'm lazy.

It walks in the family.

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The comma button on my keyboard has an intermittent fault.

It doesn't work for short pauses.

It's not my fault I'm single...

I was born this way.

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

And now, two guys bonding over their star sign as well as a short summary of The Fault in out Stars

"Cancer?"

"Cancer."

Geology rocks but geography is where it's at...

What did the tectonic plates say when they bumped into each other?


My fault, sorry!

Whose fault is it that California always has earthquakes?

San Andreas fault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I slipped in my own driveway.

I wanted to sue but my lawyer told me I couldn't since it was my own ass fault.

My wife always gets upset when I bring my work home

Is it my fault we’re short staffed down at the morgue?

Its not my fault I have a double-chin... When God was giving out chins..

I thought he said Gin so I said I'll have a double.

Everyone's attacking Rubio, but it's not his fault

His aide wrote the same thing on both his palms.

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So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

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