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Built Jokes

My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood

It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.

Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna”

I don’t even know where that is!

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

I told my mate I'd built a model of the Himalayas.

He said "To scale?"

I said "No, just to look at"

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The woodland animals built themselves a public toilet.

All went well for the first couple of weeks, then one morning as the toilet committee were inspecting the toilet, they found that one of the windows was smashed. They asked all the animals what had happened, and the rabbit said, "Last night the bear was taking a shit, and the toilet was out of paper...

How were the pyramids built?

Using a pyramid scheme

Dad jokes rule, peace out.

I built an ultra realistic driving game

You can collect points but your insurance premium will go up.

A man and his wife built a boat...

They called it the *Alfred1*, after a friend of theirs. However, it was poorly constructed and sank immediately.

They continued to try to build seaworthy vessels, but the same thing happened over and over. With the *Brian2*, the *Chris3*, and the *Daniel4*.

"We're really not very good ...

Who built polygonal Rome?

Rhombus and Rhembus

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday…

My neighbor is dead against it…

A man built a zoo..

He made the entrance fee $60 but no one enters his zoo..

He reduced it to $40 but still no one came.

He made $10 for the entrance but no one still enters..

What the man did, because no one was coming in even though the entrance fee was very low, he just made it FREE.

As a...

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A fierce jungle tribe always built their houses in the trees

The wood made the floors and the supports, but the houses themselves were made out of thatched grass. The tribe honored those who built the best grass houses.

One day the tribe went to war with a nearby tribe. The warriors fought well and they sacked the tribe's village, taking the rival tr...

Arthur: "That's a nice round table. Who built that?"

Knight: "Sir Cumference"

I built a website for kinky guitarists

It’s called FretLife

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Animals built an outhouse

Forest animals decided, that they don't like stepping on crap every day, so they got together and built an outhouse.

Everything was great and forest floor was much cleaner after that. But one day, they found out, that window on the outhouse was broken. So they held a meeting, where they were ...

Do you need a boat of biblical proportions built?

Because I Noah guy. I hear he's a fantastic Arkitect.

A rubber company recently built it's 200,000,000 tire

Of course, the directors celebrated the occasion with a blowout.



Source: 1933 Newspaper

If you wanted to display data about well built furniture for horse houses, what would it be called?

A stable stable tables table.

Today, my 10 y/o nephew proudly showed me a model airplane he had built.

"Not too bad," I said, pulling out my iPhone. "But see what Chinese kids of your age can do."

My rich neighbour just had a private ice rink built!

I said to him "Can I have a go?" and he said "Yeah, but it'll cost you a dollar"

I thought: what a cheap skate.

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

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Hitler built a boat in pixelated blocks and named it

Mein Kraft

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

Did you hear about a house built by Microsoft?

It excels in the outlook from its windows.

All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago

...and they still don't have any illegal Mexicans.

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How can you tell if a house was built by homosexual carpenters?

There isn't a straight beam in the house

Russian literature is built on suffering.

Either the character suffers, the author suffers, or the reader suffers. If all three are suffering, then it's considered a Russian masterpiece.

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I’ve built a convoluted contraption to shave my balls

I call it the Pube Goldberg Machine

I built a house for a horse today

but he said he wouldn't live in it as it didn't look stable enough.

I just saw a great documentary on how they built the Eiffel Tower.

I'm not gonna lie, it was riveting.

A man is having a house built in Kansas

A man is having a house built in Kansas. He drives to the site to see how its going. The crew is hanging up rafters with suspicious looking braces.

The man finds the General Contractor and asks him about the braces.

"Oh, them. Them, there's called Hurricane Ties." says the GC

"...

Who built an airplane that couldn't fly?

The Wrong brothers.

Archaeologists discover that Rome was in fact built in a day

Slackers everywhere suddenly feel a massive obligation to be more productive.

If Germans are so efficient and productive, why hasn't Germany built an unsinkable ship yet?

Because why would we waste our time building a ship if nobody has ever sought of it yet?

In Colombia, kids have built a snowman.

The police guessed snowman's value at approximately $400 million.

A vacuum salesman knocked on a newly built home

A lady opened the door. The salesman rushed into the home and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady said anything, the salesman said "Mam, the vacuum i have is the best in business. I'll vacuum every single thing and also ensure there is no odor. If i f...

During lockdown I built a new house

Lego is such fun

I once read a book on how the Titanic was built

It was riveting

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

I built a staircase using an online tutorial!

When I finished I thought something looked wrong so I went back to look at the instructions. I missed a step.

Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...

Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.

But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.

Sean Connery built a magnificent bookcase

It was the centerpiece of the library in his mansion and even the Queen herself praised it as one of the top bookcases in all of England. Everyone who ever visited his library has marvelled at the sheer greatness of this bookcase and many said that if acting didn't work out, that he would have had ...

We were built upside down.

Because our feet smell and our noses run.

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies

Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!

The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave.

It's full of convex.

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

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Ah sed to me Yorkshire mate, "Dosta know who built t'Ark?"

'E sed, "Aye, Noah"

Ah sed, "Mek up thy mind!"

Daft bugger.

A bookcase I built just collapsed

I have only my shelf to blame.

I watched a documentary on how they built the hull of the Titanic last night....

It was riveting.

[Long] A man goes into a hotel with a built-in restaurant

He checks in, goes to his room to read, then he goes to the restaurant and sits on one of the central tables.

He then orders the meal and waits for it, but he also notices that the waiter seems to always serve guests who are sitting near the room's walls.

The man gets a bit irritated...

A rich old man is on his deathbed...

...but he does not have any heirs. But he has three good friends - a teacher, a doctor, and a lawyer.

He calls them by his side and tells them, "I am dying. I wish to be buried with half my wealth. I will now give you $5 million each and you should bury half of that with my casket when I die....

Yoda a bookshelf built

DYIng he is

In the small village the 5G transmitter was built.

Some time after building, the villagers started being angry about it. Soon, they made a petition against it. A secretary comes to the director of the project to inform him about the whole situation.
- Director, you may want to look at this.
- What is this?
- A petition against placing our t...

I built a machine that tickles you.

I have been asking people to try it. But nobody seems to want to try some test tickles.

Rome wasn't built in a day...

It just looks that way.

A Procrastinator Built A Time Machine

Well, not yet, but he's planning on getting started last week.

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If Wallsend was named because the Roman wall ended there and Newcastle because a castle was built there!

How did Cockermouth get its name?

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I built a tent out of jizz socks in my bedroom.

It's my cum-fort zone.

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

Chuck Norris...

...built a hospital so his mother could give birth to him.

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

Bill is smart, He built only 20 parking spaces.

One company owner asked the other- Tell me Bill, How come your employees are always on time in the morning?

Bill- Easy 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.

I've just built two flatpack models of Motown stars That I bought from a certain Swedish Store



Ikea?

Yes and that's Tina over there.

Lots of rain lately - anyone need an Ark built?

I Noah guy.

Apple built a football stadium...

When a fan goes to buy a ticket...

Fan: How much for a seat and a part of the safe standing area access?

Ticket seller: that will be $600

Fan: What about just the stand?

Ticket seller: that will be $1,000

Why do things get built so fast in Finland?

Because as soon as they start it’s Finnish.

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You hear about the guy who built the car that runs on farts?

It gets shitty milage.

What are Star Wars clone troopers muscles built of?

Kamino acids.

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

The Confederacy could have won if they built a bridge over Chesapeake bay.

But the confederates would have a hard time getting over it

Why did the Nuclear Power Plant have an aquarium built next to it?

To put all its nuclear fission.

Did you hear about the guy who built his house on the highway?

It ok, but he has to leave the driveway at 70 miles an hour.

Pirate builder: Captain, your ship is built.

Pirate Captain: Planks a lot.

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I've built a beautiful house and get complimented on it

But people are always shocked when they find out how crap an electrician I am.

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

My friend built a resturant out of an old plane.

It's pretty good but I don't think it's gonna take off.

What do you call someone who built their life around eggs?

Egg-centric

Mt. Rushmore wasn't built in a day.

A girl recently told me that she was impressed with my persistence. I replied with, "Mt. Rushmore wasn't built in a day. I'll chip away until you have something disappointing and smaller than imagined."

Did you hear about the hardware store being built in Mariana's Trench?

It will be the lowest of Lowe's.

I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.

Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

Badly built roofs...

Are exactly why I have truss issues

They say it's a mystery how the pyramids were built

But it seems obvious to me - they probably started at the bottom and worked their way up.

Built a robot to tie rope together...

But it does knot work.

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Peter and his grandson are sitting on the mountainside that overlooks the town…

Peter says to his grandson, “look at those houses down there. I built all of those with my bare hands, but do you think they call me Peter the House Builder? No.”

He then gestures toward the town church and says, “do you see that church down there? I built that church with my bare hands, but ...

Tapeworms built a plane, but it didnt fly very fast.

Turns out they forgot to account for parasite drag.

The Council want a new monument built in a park and put the job out to tender, they get 3 offers ...

The council officer calls in the first tender, who offers to do the job for £3k, when asked about the breakdown the council are advised 'It's 1K for me 1K for my crew and 1K for materials.

The second tender then comes in and offers to do the job for £6k, advising It's 2k for me, 2k for my cre...

Did you hear they built a nightclub on the moon?

It's a far out location, but it lacks atmosphere.

My wife and I's marriage is built upon love and understanding.

She doesn't love me, and i don't understand her.

Today I built a car made of spaghetti.

You should of seen the look on my wife’s face as I drove pasta.

Why are Guitar Centers built on one floor?

There are no stairways allowed

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in artificial intelligence?

Alexus.

Did you know that Eiffel Tower was named after the engineer who designed and built the tower?

Mr. Gustave Tower.

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Little Johnny spends the day watching a house being built...

"Why Johnny, where were you all afternoon?" his mother asks.

"I've been watching them work on the new house getting built down the street. I'm learning all about being a carpenter!"

"Oh really?" she asks, amused. "What kind of wood are they building it out of?"

"Why,...

Did you hear where the new Tesla factory is being built?

Mad-at-gas-car.

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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

Never trust a man built like a bear

He might steal your honey

Do you know why, all around the world, parlaments' roof are built as a dome?

Have you ever seen a circus with a flat roof?

They say I have a body built for Sin

That sin being Sloth.

Why was the bear so proud of the house he built?

Because he built it with his bear hands.

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