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Just recently, a multi-year project to renovate and restore London's historic landmark Big Ben was completed.

They had men working around the clock.

An alien couple are shopping to renovate their kitchen.

At the store they look at three main combinations of cabinetry and tops. One blue, one red, and the other green.



The husband excuses himself to use the restroom, but doesn't return for a while.



His wife begins to worry and goes looking for him.



She fin...

A prison decides to renovate its showers

An ageing prison facility is constantly beset by long queues for the shower area, which the managers decide to do something about because having all the prisoners together in one area outside of their cells might get nasty. So they look into the problem, and realise that, although the showers themse...

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My wife is furious I hired a hooker to help renovate our kitchen floor.

Apparently her definition of “floor stripper” is different than mine.

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So I tried to renovate my porn theater

But the contractor told me every wall was load-bearing

Peter wanted to renovate his house ...

He knocked everything old down and tore off the wallpapers. With the house being full of nooks and crannies, he was struggling to calculate what amount of new wallpapers to buy.

Luckily he heard his neighbour Jimmy coming home and asked him how many rolls he bought, when he was rapapering his...

how long does it take a comminist to renovate a room

about an our.

A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...

I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

Someone renovated the church with wire mesh floors.

Well, I guess it *is* holey ground....

A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen

The contractor said to the man that he was nearly done.

The homeowner said "no way that you are - there is a giant hole in the granite countertop!"

Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in ...

Did you hear about the mathematician that renovated his entry way?

He did a foyer transform

Two blonde women renovating a house...

There are 2 blonde women that decide to buy and renovate a house. The 1st thing they decide is to replace the vinyl siding. So they're working away and the 1st is watching the other and notices that she takes nail out of her tool belt, looks at it, uses it to nail up the siding, takes another nail...

My wife and I have recently moved into my Mother-In-Laws while our house is being renovated...

Being intimate is pretty tricky!

I constantly have to remind her that my Wife is sitting downstairs...

What do you call it when a Catholic renovates his kitchen?

A counter reformation.

Two nuns walk into a bar.

The bartender is surprised and then asks them

"I'm sorry, sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?"

"We know it's not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here."

The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender a...

The Lawyer and the Mexican

A lawyer and a Mexican live next to eachother in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine.
One day, they're both mowing the frontlawn. The Mexican says:

"You know, my house is worth more than yours."

The lawyer is confused. He responds:

"How? Our houses are identi...

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

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A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

A loud rich man asks a monk how he meditates so well...

The monk, who was just meditating, opens his eyes and sighs,

"The task is simple" he says, "To meditate well, you must find yourself. Personally, all I do is enter a room and look for the ugliest man there. Since that is always me, I never have trouble finding myself"

The man replies...

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

Last time I was working in Dallas, I had picked up these two girls on Uber.

They were talking about sight seeing and various landmarks when we pulled up next to a older brick building that had huge windows at a red light. I noticed the building was empty inside, like it had been cleared and renovated but not occupied. So I pointed it out and told the girls it was the Dallas...

Just a good joke I remember hearing

So a son walks up to his father and asks, whats the difference between theory and reality, to which the father responds, "well son, go ask your brother, sister and mother if they would sleep with brad pitt for one million dollars"

So the son goes to his mother and asks "mom, would you sleep w...

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Sam died...

And found himself in hell. Greeted by Satan, he started crying.
Confused, Satan asks him what's wrong?

Well, I'm in literal Hell! Answered Samuel.

Oh, it's not as bad here as you think. Tell me, do you drink?

Well, can't say I've ever spat in a glass, Samuel answered.
...

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A newly anointed priest is given his first posting.

Father Ben a newly anointed priest is given his first posting of his career. He’s fairly young and very nervous, but seeing his distress, Father Todd the elderly priest he’s replacing was very thoughtful and had prepared some cheat sheets so everything would transition smoothly. Hidden behind the al...

Have fun reading. This one's a long one.

There's this guy in Florida, and he finds out that his uncle died. He inherits a zoo and he gets money to run it. So he goes to the zoo and it's so dilapidated. So he has a month to renovate, and he gets a big aviary, a big lion cage, and an aquarium. He uses all of his money on that stuff. It's a w...

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There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

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