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Child Support Jokes

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

What happens when a mixologist stops paying his child support.

They’d start garnishing his wages.

My dad explored a lot of caves during his 20s

That is why he owes so much in child support

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life fucks you pretty hard

But atleast it won't ask for child support payments

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, ...

and floating in a bathtub? >!Bob!<

and sitting outside your front door? >!Mat!<

and hanging on your wall? >!Art!<

and lives in a swamp? >!Pete!<

and sitting in hole? >!Doug!<

and wanted for theft? >!Rob!<

and fully functio...

I only knock up antivaxxers.

Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.

If you ever feel bad

Just remember that Stevie Wonder is paying $25,000 a month in child support for some kids he has never seen.

Girls are ridiculous man. Give em an inch and they take

All your child support.

People laughed at me when I said I only date Anti-Vaxxers...

But hey, paying a few months of child support is better than 18 years.

If I put self raising flour on it...

Does that mean I still have to pay child support?

I always tip pregnant waitresses more.

It's cheaper than child support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

Vaccines are terrible...

Because you have to pay child support!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I came out to my dad, he was surprisingly supportive!

He's not homophobic or anything, it's just the closest he's ever come to child support.

Whats the best part about getting an anti-vaxxer pregnant?

Only eight years of child support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boating accident

Paddy and Mary divorced a year ago. Paddy was boating with his son Michael when a storm came up and they both drowned.

Officer Murphy had to tell Mary the news. "Well, Mary I have good news and bad news."

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your ex has drowned in a boating accident....

Be Fruitful and Multiply

A dead-beat Dad died and went to Heaven. He was greeted at the Golden Gate by St. Peter, who warmly shook his hand and asked him to sit down next to him. Looking over the dead-beat Dad's file, St. Peter frowned and shook his head sadly. ''Your record looks fine, except for one glaring item. Why the ...

If you accidentally knock up an anti-vaxxer, fear not!

You'll probably only have to pay a few years of child support.

The female Praying Mantis devours the male right after mating.

It’s easier to collect life insurance than child support.

Santa came early

Is the only time someone came early and bore presents and not child support

I peaked too soon in high school.

I'm still sending her child support.

When does a regular joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent. Except for the fact it decided to stop being one and mysteriously vanished one night, cleaned out our joint bank account, never calls, never showed up to court, never remembers the kids' birthdays, never made their little league games, refuses to pay child suppor...

[LONG] A book and a diary.

A book and a diary had a fairy tale relationship for the longest time. They were inseparable, got married, and had two baby papers. After that, things went downhill and the married couple started fighting constantly. One day, Book decided to have an affair with Binder. Diary found out and filed for ...

A divorced man was delighted when his daughter reached her 18th birthday

because it would be his final child support payment. Month after month, year after year he had paid, and now at last he would be free of the financial burden.

So he called his daughter over to his house and said: "I want you to take this last check to your mother’s house. You tell her this is...

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