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A man took a girl he just met back to his place, she said she wanted sex, but only if he had protection. He quickly whispered in her ear, "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start"

"what was that?" She asked.

"Contra-ception"

Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building!

Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

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I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security.

Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.

A kid walks into a church and has food protected by god

A kid walks into a church and there is a table with 2 baskets. The first basket contained apples, and the other basket contained muffins with a sign on top of the basket: take only 1 muffin, God is watching you. The kid goes away and comes back 30 minutes later with a sign. He puts it on top of the ...

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I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

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A mom was driving behind a garbage truck, a dildo fell out the back, bounced off the road and hit the windshield. Trying to protect her son's innocence she said, that was a big bug!

Her son replied, it's amazing it could fly with such a huge cock.

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant

Guy: Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom has never broken. How is this possible?

Doctor: let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A l...

What city does the Laundromat man protect?

Clotham

“I like how on cop cars “To Protect and Serve” is in quotes, like they’re being sarcastic."

Neal Brennan

If you have a Samsung Galaxy phone and you protect it from anyone stealing or damaging it...

That makes you a Guardian of the Galaxy.

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A teenager got pregnant and the mom asked how it happened.

She said: "You told me that when Mike wants to unbutton my shirt and I don't have protection, I should tell him, 'Don't!'. And if he puts his hand in my pants, I should say, 'Stop!' "

The mom said, "Exactly."

Well, he was undoing the buttons, while his hand was in my pants. So I said,...

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Lives At Stake

You can choose to be a doctor and save lives.

You can choose to be a soldier and protect lives.

You can choose to be a lawyer and defend lives.

But I choose to remain horny this year and make lives.

Protect the gold teeth

Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?

Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

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Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

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Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

Did you hear that Judas turned state’s evidence against the lord?

He had to go into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

There are many kinds of vests that protect you..

Life vests protect you from drowning.
Bullet proof vests protect you from getting shot.
Reflective vests protect you from getting hit when you are near a road.
And sweater vests protect you from women.

An old protective father and his daughters who want dates

Jeremiah is your typical protective farmer and father. He has three daughters, all who’d like to date men but he has never allowed it. Now that they’re all above 18, he decides it’s time to allow them to go on their first dates.

As he sits on his porch, waiting, shotgun in hand around 7:00 PM...

How can you tell a Protestant couch from a Catholic couch at a glance?

The Protestant will have a protective cover; the Catholic is always a pull-out.

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

God help me if this is a recent repost, but it's so bad it's good.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the ba...

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Penis is a true Friend indeed.

A true friend is like a penis, he stands up for you in times of need. A genuine friend is like a bra, she supports you at all times.

A faithful friend is like a condom , he protects you from all harm.

A loving friend is like a vagina, she accommodates you fully despite the size of yo...

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?

Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.

(Credit to my cousin)

A church decides that god will protect them from the Corona Virus

As a result, **they all agree that they should not wear masks**, because they trust god so much. Weeks later, they all are infected and die from the virus.

They go to heaven and ask god, **"why didn't you protect us?"**

God responded **"that's what the masks were for you dumbasses"**

I've been hiding from doing any exercise.

I'm in the fitness protection program.

I don't have a beer gut.

I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs

Famous french joke , long but gold

One day a little girl go to sleep and her dad leave her room after that he read her a story and she says « goodbye granddad, protect dad and mom and grandma ». Then on the morning , the grandfather dies . The dad is lost but thinks its nothing . The next night , her daughter says « goodbye grandma ,...

The Hyena and the Monkey

In the jungle a hyena was talking to a monkey. He said to the monkey "You see that big clump of trees over there?"

The monkey says "Yes, what about them?"

"Well, I go through there every day to get home, I don't have to, it's just a shortcut" said the hyena

"Alright, so?" asked ...

People have been using crystals and essential oils to protect themselves from covid.

Their corpses smell great and look very fashionable.

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Harris Teeter and these stupid masks...

I knew it would eventually happen and today it did. I was prepared. I came out of Harris Teeter with my mask on and keeping six feet distance to everyone, pushed my cart to my car, all the while wearing my mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries int...

Three guys are driving through the desert in an old Jeep when it breaks down 50 miles from the nearest watering hole.

Guy 1 claims “it’s only 50 miles to water, grab what we need to protect us from the heat and let’s walk” he gathers up a water container and car seat blanket and sets off.

Guy 2 thinks for a while and then decides to follow, so he grabs an old umbrella from the trunk and follows guy 1, please...

Jesus, why did you let me die of coronavirus?

He ignored the lockdown order because “Jesus will protect me” he did not accept a mask because Jesus will protect him. He refused the vaccine, because Jesus will protect him. Then he died of Coronavirus and met Jesus. “Jesus, why didn’t you protect me!?”
Jesus responded, “First I put lockdowns in...

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

Permits required

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to clim...

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Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down!" anymore to protect the president.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”




The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

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Virginity

A guy on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaimed: "I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."

She gave a naughty smile and said:
"KISS MY ASS."

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A man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated.

The doctor is very surprised at this. “Are you sure?!”

“Yes,” said the man. “I’ve thought about it, long and hard, and I’ve decided I want to do it.”

“But are you sure you’ve thought this through?!” the doctor continued. “This will have a huge impact on important aspects of your life i...

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

TIL Steve Irwin had a failed "Crocodile Hunter" sunscreen brand.

Apparently it didn't protect you from harmful rays

The 3 men (Joke told by professor)

Sometime during the middle ages, one day - an engineer, a priest, and a farmer were being executed by the guillotine due to their crimes they commit against the village

the engineer was punished because he was rigging his builds and selling it blindly to people to make extra money by offering...

How does a pirate protect his booty?

By arrming his alarrrm system!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

At this point, several of the children giggle.

"I looked up, and rig...

My girlfriend asked me if I would take a bullet for her

I said of course I would!



But if the intent was so that I could finally die or to actually protect her is a whole 'nother conversation

Have you heard of the new Apple Product designed to protect your eyes?

It's called iLid

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Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

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Protection

A girl and a guy have sex once in the dark and they both agreed to use protection

A few months later she finds out she’s pregnant

She asks him if he used a condom that night they had sex, and he says “no”

She replies “but we agreed to use protection”, and he replies “I did, I ...

All of our workers have airbags in their monitor

So it will protect them when their computers crash.

What did the redditor tourist say when visiting a protected upland area of open country?

Wow, this really grew up! Thanks for the wold, kind ranger!

A man is home and sees a gorilla hanging on his backyard tree.

So he naturally picks up the yellow pages and calls the Gorilla Removal services. The professional arrives in less than ten minutes, and gets off his van with a pole, a ladder, a dog, a shotgun and handcuffs. He says "I see it's a male gorilla, so I'm taking the ladder up the tree and poke him with ...

The invitation

a man named Bob suffered from severe paranoia, it only got worse ever since the city he lived in got its first covid case.

Bob spent hours each day sanitizing his clothes and scrubbing himself to protect him from the virus.

One day Bob got a call from a very close friend of his. He w...

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

What do you call a bird that protects its king?

A knight owl.

All my passwords are protected

by amnesia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

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What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

Bus shelters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Clouds use as sexual protection?

Condemsation

I just found out my grandparents got infected.

I can’t believe it honestly. I told them to use protection and stuff but they wouldn’t listen and now the whole care homes got it. Oh well at least it’s easy to treat chlamydia now a days.

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There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why?

They had UV protection in front.

After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"

" yes " I said eagerly.

"Do you have protection? " She asked .

"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.

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If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus saw a woman being stoned and rushed to protect her.

He shouted to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the next stone."

A single stone smacked Jesus on the back of the head.

He turned around and yelled, "Fuck off, mother!"

How do you protect your home?

You put up an Al Qaida flag, then you will have the Nsa, CIA and FBI watching you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

Three guys are stranded on an island...

There's a white, black, and chinese guy that are stranded on an island together. Trying to figure out how to survive, they decide to divide up responsibilities. The white guy's job is to look for food and water. The black guy's job is to build shelter. And the chinese guy's job is to look for suppli...

What do you call a vault with a lock and bodyguards protecting it?

Safe.

Going To A New Gym

A new gym is opening up and it sounds pretty good. Free membership, a personalized trainer, and they provide protection from COVID and other evil forces.

Let me know if anyone else has tried Jehovah's Fitness.

Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.

"Can we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"...

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

I bought a gun to protect my 4 Children

but i sold it a year later to protect my 3 children

Tampax has been protecting women for 80 years.

That's quite a long period.

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Why is college like being sexual active without protection?condom?

It's really fun until you get tested.

A camel decided to educate his son who he suspected was getting a little insquisitive...

"Why do we have two humps," asked the son.
"That's so we can go for days without water. We can store it in the humps."

"Why do we have very long eyelashes?
"That," he was told, "is to protect the eyes from sand in a sand storm."

"And why do we have bulbous looking feet?"
"That...

Policemen are great at Volleyball, guess why?

They serve and protect.

Today I found out that the electrician didn't connect the protective grounding system at my home.

I was shocked.

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.

And through it all, he offered me protection...

Dear Plexiglass

Thank you for protecting me from the cashier that just touched everything that I’m taking home.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

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