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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

The end of world was coming and all the heroes were assembling together to form an alliance and protect their world. They all saw Batman hadn't joined. So, Superman went to meet him...

Superman: Why aren't you joining our alliance and protecting our world? It's your responsibility as a hero.

Batman: With no powers, comes no responsiblity

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Why should you always use protection when having phone sex?

So that you don't end up with hearing AIDS

Last week I got a letter in the post offering me a heavy duty protective metal vest for half the normal price. I ignored it, of course.

I hate chain mail!

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

Starting a tour to see all of the area protected wines in France.

I call it the Appellation Trail

I read about how in ancient Rome gladiators had a layer of fat to protect them in combat.

I'm gonna start telling people I have the body of a gladiator.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

I think we can arrange races between boats and marine mammals to fund marine mammal protection charities...

Or would thy defeat the porpoise?

Did you know some bikers keep a little jar of vaseline in their pocket to protect their bike seat from the rain?

A biker was doing a big ride through a low dense inhabitated country. After a long drive not seeing a single person his bike breaks down. He starts pushing it and after a few hours of pushing it he stumbles across a single farmhouse in the distance.
He knocks on the door and the farmer opens. "W...

What should Steve Irwin worn the day he died?

Sunscreen. Know why..?
Because it protects you from harmful rays.

How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?

They use McAfee

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

Did you know that US law protects dolphins from indefinite imprisonment?

Also know as the writ of habeas porpoise

I got in trouble with the Super Soaker Mafia the other day

I had to be put in the Wetness Protection Program

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If USA was a guy, make sure he ALWAYS uses protection

His pull out game doesn't seem strong

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

If skunks didn't have their protective smell...

They would go ex-stinked.

Why did Child Protective Services take Dora the Explorer away from her parents?

Because they allowed her to go off on her own with a known MAP.

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Raise in salary.

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour

I work at great depths

I plunge head first into everything I do

I do not get weekends off or public holidays

I work in a damp environment

I don't get paid ov...

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A penis has a happy life

He has curly hair, he never goes bald, his family is always behind him,his neighbours are connected to him, he likes warm places, his owner strokes him often and is his most protected possession.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

why were the Sunchips tasked with protecting the dip

Because they were known for garden salsa

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Let me tell you a story about why I don’t take hitchhikers anymore

So one time I’m driving down a country road with a friend. A hitchhiker signals us to stop, asks where we are headed and we agree to give him a ride.

Now the guy has a huge bag. I’m talking about the same size as a person kind of bag, we had trouble fitting it in the back. But at this point ...

A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."

Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you be...

Don't use Cops to protect the Capitol building!

Use barbers and hairdressers, the threat of a shave, shampoo and haircut should have most of them running for the hills!

Everyone is posting photos of people from the 1910's wearing masks to protect themselves from the Spanish flu to try and convince people to wear masks now...

Idiots. If masks work, then why are all those people in the pictures dead?

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

My grandma told me this one.

An older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same h...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Why do "nice guys" suck at Chess

They never protect the king, always the queen

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours," I said.

"Once again, not a valid defense," said Child Protective Services.

A guy is out hunting and sees a hawk flying high above him, so he shoots it. As he's retrieving the dead bird a game warden happens by and arrests him for killing a federally protected bird of prey.

At the courtroom, the man tells the judge he's been out of work for many months and only shot the hawk because he hadn't eaten in days. The judge decides to let him off with 6 months probation.

As the guy is leaving the judge says, "hey, what does hawk taste like anyway?"

The guy say...

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A man took a girl he just met back to his place, she said she wanted sex, but only if he had protection. He quickly whispered in her ear, "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start"

"what was that?" She asked.

"Contra-ception"

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I miss the good old days when the president only lied to us to protect national security.

Or to hide a blowjob from his wife.

A vampire dies and he goes to the heaven

And he meets the God, the God says:

"I see you were a good vampire, never hurts any human, and only feed on ox blood, didn’t you?"

"Yes, yes my lord." The vampire answers humbly.

"So," the God says, "I will give you a chance for you to choose your own next life, you could be a...

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Hey reddit, always wear protection for safe sex. Make sure you wear a...

...mask.

If you take it off they might see your face and that would just ruin the mood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?

Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.

(Credit to my cousin)

the worm protector of the world

there’s this worm guarding the world, let’s call him Nate. Nate’s amazing. he’s been around for all of time, protecting the lever on a side of a mountain that’s always been “on”. Nate’s never let it switch to “off”, and that’s a good thing.

Nate is famous, as he should be, and although there...

What do you call someone who is crazy about protecting the planet?

Enviro Mental.

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Timber Land

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her....

Gun rights

Fix this joke:

A blonde was getting heated arguing with her brunette friend. Her friend was trying to stay calm as she explained the importance of gun rights for personal and property protection.

"That's all anyone talks about, gun rights, gun rights, gun rights. All I'm saying is tha...

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A mom was driving behind a garbage truck, a dildo fell out the back, bounced off the road and hit the windshield. Trying to protect her son's innocence she said, that was a big bug!

Her son replied, it's amazing it could fly with such a huge cock.

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

What city does the Laundromat man protect?

Clotham

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I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

I figured out why President Trump thinks he doesn’t have to wear a mask to protect himself from viruses.

Somebody told him he had diplomatic immunity.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

A kid walks into a church and has food protected by god

A kid walks into a church and there is a table with 2 baskets. The first basket contained apples, and the other basket contained muffins with a sign on top of the basket: take only 1 muffin, God is watching you. The kid goes away and comes back 30 minutes later with a sign. He puts it on top of the ...

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

Why do police cars have "to protect and serve" in quotes?

They are being sarcastic.

Protect the gold teeth

Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?

Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

There are many kinds of vests that protect you..

Life vests protect you from drowning.
Bullet proof vests protect you from getting shot.
Reflective vests protect you from getting hit when you are near a road.
And sweater vests protect you from women.

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Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down!" anymore to protect the president.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night

and finds her husband missing from the bed. Worried, she searches for him and finds him sitting in a chair downstairs staring at the wall, deep in thought.
While she is watching, he wipes away a tear. Worried she asks him

"Honey, are you ok?"

Without looking back he says "do you re...

Every Trip

A businessman packing for a trip glances in his briefcase. "Honey," he says to his wife. "Yes, darling?" she replies. "Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "Why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful....

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

An old protective father and his daughters who want dates

Jeremiah is your typical protective farmer and father. He has three daughters, all who’d like to date men but he has never allowed it. Now that they’re all above 18, he decides it’s time to allow them to go on their first dates.

As he sits on his porch, waiting, shotgun in hand around 7:00 PM...

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

A church decides that god will protect them from the Corona Virus

As a result, **they all agree that they should not wear masks**, because they trust god so much. Weeks later, they all are infected and die from the virus.

They go to heaven and ask god, **"why didn't you protect us?"**

God responded **"that's what the masks were for you dumbasses"**

The homeless had a sign saying " need money for protection "

So i went out of my way and bought him some condoms.

A boy dresses up as a politician for Halloween

A boy dresses up as a politician for Halloween. His father speaks to him.

Father: What are you dressed as son?

Boy: I'm a politician dad!

Father: I'm not convinced, son. You haven't said anything controversial yet.

The boy pauses for a few seconds before speaking.

...

How does a pirate protect his booty?

By arrming his alarrrm system!

A father and his son are visited by the Child Protective Services. The agent asks the son, "Do you know why we are visiting you today?" The son thought a bit and replied:

"Beats Me"

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Jesus saw a woman being stoned and rushed to protect her.

He shouted to the crowd, "Let he who is without sin cast the next stone."

A single stone smacked Jesus on the back of the head.

He turned around and yelled, "Fuck off, mother!"

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Donald Duck is at a convention and a groupie knocks on his door.

After a while things are getting hot and heavy and the groupie says "Donald darling, before we go any further, I have to ask you to use protection", and Donald says "No problem, I'll call reception".

He picks up the phone and quacks "Hey there, Donald Duck here, could you send a condom up to ...

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Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

We were having so much bad luck on our cul-de-sac that the HOA thought we had been cursed. They brought in a witch doctor and druid to scribe protective symbols and runes all over the road...

...well, that's the ward on the street anyway.

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

A Man Walks into a Gun Store...

The man walks in and looks around until he gets to the Safety Items. He Looks joyfully With a big smile at a Pair of Headphones, Books, then Bingo. He picks up a protective Vest and goes to the counter Happily. The Cashier asks for his ID and asks Him, "Why are you so Happy?", The man responds with,...

So apparently there is now a social awareness group that formed to protect corpses from necrophiliacs!

#MeTomb

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, sever...

A man is having a house built in Kansas

A man is having a house built in Kansas. He drives to the site to see how its going. The crew is hanging up rafters with suspicious looking braces.

The man finds the General Contractor and asks him about the braces.

"Oh, them. Them, there's called Hurricane Ties." says the GC

"...

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...

Pharmacist: Protection?

Customer: Right.

Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?

Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.

Pharmacist: Okay, that'l...

An army sergeant is talking to soldiers about how guns should only be fired to protect themselves, their friends and their country.

He gives a whole lecture about safety and the rules one should set for themselves so they never use firearms in a way that wouldnt be fit for a soldier.
At one point a soldier asks the sergeant if he can ask a couple of questions about shooting without the need for protection;

The serg...

Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber...

A white politician goes to an Indian Rez for a stump speech.

"The native population is part of this great nation's heritage. I want to represent and further your interests". "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" They chant.

"We should respect your culture and traditions while helping you advance in society, if that's what you wish." "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

"The count...

An old woman is offered a covid vaccine at her senior home.

She refuses it and says "I have faith in God to protect me."

A week later, her nurse daughter calls her and tells her that she can come into the clinic and get her the vaccine quickly that day. Again, the woman refuses and says "I have faith in god to protect me."

Several weeks pass, ...

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

All my passwords are protected

by amnesia.

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A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

What do you call a bird that protects its king?

A knight owl.

Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.

"Can we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"...

Tampax has been protecting women for 80 years.

That's quite a long period.

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have protected sex for 365 days straight, then melt the condoms down and mold a tire from them, what would you call it?

A Fucking GoodYear.

How do you protect your home?

You put up an Al Qaida flag, then you will have the Nsa, CIA and FBI watching you.

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

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