Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Protection

A girl and a guy have sex once in the dark and they both agreed to use protection

A few months later she finds out she’s pregnant

She asks him if he used a condom that night they had sex, and he says “no”

She replies “but we agreed to use protection”, and he replies “I did, I ...

A girl told her boyfriend that she was ready to "do it"

He was very excited and quickly went out to buy condoms from the nearest pharmacy. He found one nearby named Literal Pharmacy.

He went in and asked the owner for condoms. The owner asked him “which pack? Single, tripple pack, jumbo, or their special "family" pack?”
The boy asked for the f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Clouds use as sexual protection?

Condemsation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well, it finally happened today, I knew it would eventually so I was ready.

I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet away from everyone, I pushed my cart to my car, all the while wearing my face mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries into my car she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal - ‘cause that ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

Bus shelters

Why are condoms referred to as "protection"?

I was wearing one yesterday and I still got hit by that bus!

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your credit card is like your penis

If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don't be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn't go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
...

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instruct...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is college like being sexual active without protection?condom?

It's really fun until you get tested.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who shot the lion?

One day a man goes to his doctor and says “doctor doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant and I used protection and everything.”

The doctor looks at him and says “Sit down son, let me tell you a story.”

The doctor continues “ There was once a man who brought his gun everywhere. He never le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

Why should you always keep a loaded firearm in the small room by your front door?

Foyer protection.

Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.

"Can we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Gordon Ramsay is against using protection during sex?

Every time he starts out by yelling, "It's fucking raw!"

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I don’t use protection during sex but...

When I pulled out, there was suddenly a magnum condom on my penis. Should I be worried?

What does black panther use as protection?

Wakondoms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny".

He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.

A man woke up lost in the desert.

He didn’t know how he got there but he knew if he didn’t find water asap he will die, he was thirsty tired and close to a heat stroke as he walked the vast deserted land looking for water.

Miles and miles into his journey he spotted a person in the middle of the desert, thinking it might be ...

Just found out my grandma has been infected

I knew I should have used protection!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johny, a horny 16 year old is doting on his teacher, and he decides to ask her out.

"Excuse me, Mrs Elizabeth, I think I'm in love with you".

"Sorry Johny, but I'm too old for children", says Mrs. Elizabeth.

Johny- "Of course, that's why we'll use protection."

What does a nuclear reactor and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

TIL there more slugs in the world than snails because slugs...

...don't wear protection.

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

One day a kid meets a firefighter who was getting out of his shift

The kid tells the firefighter “I want to be a firefighter when I grow up too!”
The firefighter responds with “ oh really kid?”
The kid responds with “yea follow me mister I’ll show you!”
So the kid and the firefighter go to the kids house and the firefighter sees a helmet, vest, wagon, and ...

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