Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Daughter: mom I'm going to a sleepover at jack's

Mom: use protection

Daughter: mom I'm 15

Mom: and I'm 30

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If USA was a guy, make sure he ALWAYS uses protection

His pull out game doesn't seem strong

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

A German Shepherd, Doberman And Cat Have Died And Gone To Heaven

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat have died.

All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to my master."

Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you be...

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Timber Land

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her....

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A man took a girl he just met back to his place, she said she wanted sex, but only if he had protection. He quickly whispered in her ear, "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start"

"what was that?" She asked.

"Contra-ception"

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I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

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Donald Duck is at a convention and a groupie knocks on his door.

After a while things are getting hot and heavy and the groupie says "Donald darling, before we go any further, I have to ask you to use protection", and Donald says "No problem, I'll call reception".

He picks up the phone and quacks "Hey there, Donald Duck here, could you send a condom up to ...

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...

Pharmacist: Protection?

Customer: Right.

Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?

Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.

Pharmacist: Okay, that'l...

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Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

An American diplomat is staying at a hotel in post-USSR Russia

An American diplomat is staying at a hotel in post-USSR Russia. He notices that his room has nothing covering the windows except several metal bars. It looks like a prison window.

Upset with the lack of privacy, he asks the receptionist:

"Why are there no blinds or shades covering the ...

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Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.

"Can we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"...

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If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

A Construction joke,

This Guy lives in a bad neighborhood and every night, when he walks home, he grabs a couple of cobblestones in each hand, for protection from thieves and muggers....

After some time, there is a pile of cobblestones outside his home...

His Contractor neighbor notices and asks, "What's ...

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What do Clouds use as sexual protection?

Condemsation

Secret Service

A new recruit is assigned to the president's protection team. Trump and his family are crossing the white house lawn to board the helicopter when a deranged man jumps out from behind a tree with an automatic weapon. He is drawing down on the family and the new recruit rushes up and shouts at him "Mi...

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is college like being sexual active without protection?condom?

It's really fun until you get tested.

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

What does black panther use as protection?

Wakondoms

I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny".

He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Gordon Ramsay is against using protection during sex?

Every time he starts out by yelling, "It's fucking raw!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager got pregnant and the mom asked how it happened.

She said: "You told me that when Mike wants to unbutton my shirt and I don't have protection, I should tell him, 'Don't!'. And if he puts his hand in my pants, I should say, 'Stop!' "

The mom said, "Exactly."

Well, he was undoing the buttons, while his hand was in my pants. So I said,...

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My wife and I don’t use protection during sex but...

When I pulled out, there was suddenly a magnum condom on my penis. Should I be worried?

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

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