UPJOKE
securityinsurancedefenseshelterpreservationdefenceshielddefendprotectsafeguardprotectivecovercareguardianshipconservation

Protection Jokes

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

The Queen and her protection officer were walking through the park in Balmoral (TRUE STORY as told to me by a close source)

As they walked they were approached by an older American couple. “Afternoon, isn’t it lovely here, do you come often?”

“As I matter of fact I live nearby actually.” replied her majesty as her PPO shifted uncomfortably.

“Wow, have you ever met the Queen?!” asked the eager tourists.
<...

The homeless had a sign saying " need money for protection "

So i went out of my way and bought him some condoms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

# Bus shelters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guarantee Gordon Ramsay always uses protection.

He hates fucking raw.

I’m in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

I have to go door-to-door and tell people I’m somebody else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you always use protection when having phone sex?

So that you don't end up with hearing AIDS

Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.

"Can we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

Did you hear? Rob Schneider is starting his own DIY electrical wiring protection company?

It's called **You Conduit!**

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be?

John D'oh!

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Protection

A girl and a guy have sex once in the dark and they both agreed to use protection

A few months later she finds out she’s pregnant

She asks him if he used a condom that night they had sex, and he says “no”

She replies “but we agreed to use protection”, and he replies “I did, I ...

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

Why didn’t Beethoven clap upon the ratification of new legislature ensuring protection for deaf individuals?

You don’t applaud at the end of a movement.

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...

People should use bibs when they eat for protection.

Because it’s important to practice safe snacks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

A study by the Bureau of Consumer Protection has determined that the most common first name on consumer complaints is actually "Sharon."

My kindergarten teacher was right. Sharon is Karen.

I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny".

He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

What does black panther use as protection?

Wakondoms

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

What do you call an orgy without protection?

The Big Bang, as a lot of existence just got started.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Gordon Ramsay is against using protection during sex?

Every time he starts out by yelling, "It's fucking raw!"

Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me one night if I had protection

I told her “of course” and proceeded to unbutton my shirt. She asked, “Why are you wearing a bullet proof vest?”

“Protection”

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection...

Well that's private

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

What fo Catholics call the act of sentencing those who use protection to Hell?

Condomnation

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

Why is NASA having a lawsuit filed against them from animal protection?

...because curiosty killed the cat

Self Protection with heavy Flirt :- . . . . .

Teacher :- Why are u sleeping in the class ?
.
.
Student :- Your voice is so sweet thats why i am getting sleep .
.
.
Teacher : - Then why other students are not sleeping ?
.
.
Student :- They aren't listening to u mam ...........

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.