Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

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If USA was a guy, make sure he ALWAYS uses protection

His pull out game doesn't seem strong

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A man took a girl he just met back to his place, she said she wanted sex, but only if he had protection. He quickly whispered in her ear, "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start"

"what was that?" She asked.

"Contra-ception"

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...

Pharmacist: Protection?

Customer: Right.

Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?

Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.

Pharmacist: Okay, that'l...

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

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I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

The homeless had a sign saying " need money for protection "

So i went out of my way and bought him some condoms.

A Construction joke,

This Guy lives in a bad neighborhood and every night, when he walks home, he grabs a couple of cobblestones in each hand, for protection from thieves and muggers....

After some time, there is a pile of cobblestones outside his home...

His Contractor neighbor notices and asks, "What's ...

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.” Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answere...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

Secret Service

A new recruit is assigned to the president's protection team. Trump and his family are crossing the white house lawn to board the helicopter when a deranged man jumps out from behind a tree with an automatic weapon. He is drawing down on the family and the new recruit rushes up and shouts at him "Mi...

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

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Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

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Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

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If you see someone wearing a mask below their nose, don't worry about it.

They're a fucking mouth breather anyway, covering their nose won't add any more protection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Protection

A girl and a guy have sex once in the dark and they both agreed to use protection

A few months later she finds out she’s pregnant

She asks him if he used a condom that night they had sex, and he says “no”

She replies “but we agreed to use protection”, and he replies “I did, I ...

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

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If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.

"Can we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"...

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

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A teenager got pregnant and the mom asked how it happened.

She said: "You told me that when Mike wants to unbutton my shirt and I don't have protection, I should tell him, 'Don't!'. And if he puts his hand in my pants, I should say, 'Stop!' "

The mom said, "Exactly."

Well, he was undoing the buttons, while his hand was in my pants. So I said,...

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

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What do Clouds use as sexual protection?

Condemsation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is college like being sexual active without protection?condom?

It's really fun until you get tested.

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

Did you hear that Judas turned state’s evidence against the lord?

He had to go into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

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Did you know that Gordon Ramsay is against using protection during sex?

Every time he starts out by yelling, "It's fucking raw!"

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My wife and I don’t use protection during sex but...

When I pulled out, there was suddenly a magnum condom on my penis. Should I be worried?

What does black panther use as protection?

Wakondoms

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

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