Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

The homeless had a sign saying " need money for protection "

So i went out of my way and bought him some condoms.

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

People should use bibs when they eat for protection.

Because it’s important to practice safe snacks.

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

The 3 men (Joke told by professor)

Sometime during the middle ages, one day - an engineer, a priest, and a farmer were being executed by the guillotine due to their crimes they commit against the village

the engineer was punished because he was rigging his builds and selling it blindly to people to make extra money by offering...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

Going To A New Gym

A new gym is opening up and it sounds pretty good. Free membership, a personalized trainer, and they provide protection from COVID and other evil forces.

Let me know if anyone else has tried Jehovah's Fitness.

After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"

" yes " I said eagerly.

"Do you have protection? " She asked .

"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.

The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why?

They had UV protection in front.

I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.

And through it all, he offered me protection...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

Bus shelters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Clouds use as sexual protection?

Condemsation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is college like being sexual active without protection?condom?

It's really fun until you get tested.

Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.

"Can we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"...

An army sergeant is talking to soldiers about how guns should only be fired to protect themselves, their friends and their country.

He gives a whole lecture about safety and the rules one should set for themselves so they never use firearms in a way that wouldnt be fit for a soldier.
At one point a soldier asks the sergeant if he can ask a couple of questions about shooting without the need for protection;

The serg...

A girl told her boyfriend that she was ready to "do it"

He was very excited and quickly went out to buy condoms from the nearest pharmacy. He found one nearby named Literal Pharmacy.

He went in and asked the owner for condoms. The owner asked him “which pack? Single, tripple pack, jumbo, or their special "family" pack?”
The boy asked for the f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well, it finally happened today, I knew it would eventually so I was ready.

I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet away from everyone, I pushed my cart to my car, all the while wearing my face mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries into my car she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal - ‘cause that ma...

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your credit card is like your penis

If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don't be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn't go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Gordon Ramsay is against using protection during sex?

Every time he starts out by yelling, "It's fucking raw!"

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instruct...

What does black panther use as protection?

Wakondoms

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I don’t use protection during sex but...

When I pulled out, there was suddenly a magnum condom on my penis. Should I be worried?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who shot the lion?

One day a man goes to his doctor and says “doctor doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant and I used protection and everything.”

The doctor looks at him and says “Sit down son, let me tell you a story.”

The doctor continues “ There was once a man who brought his gun everywhere. He never le...

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny".

He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

Why should you always keep a loaded firearm in the small room by your front door?

Foyer protection.

What fo Catholics call the act of sentencing those who use protection to Hell?

Condomnation

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