Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

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Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

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What do Clouds use as sexual protection?

Condemsation

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What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

Bus shelters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

Why are condoms referred to as "protection"?

I was wearing one yesterday and I still got hit by that bus!

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A couple at the doctors and the doctor tell the woman she’s pregnant...

... the man says “there’s just no way we always use protection without fail every single time we have sex”

The doctor says, sir, let me tell you a story;
There once was a hunter who took his gun with him everywhere he went, he was never without his gun. One day he accidentally picked up h...

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Why is college like being sexual active without protection?condom?

It's really fun until you get tested.

My Mom’s sister got Coronavirus so I bought her a new computer.

The warranty said it came with free “Aunty-virus” protection software.

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If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

A man woke up lost in the desert.

He didn’t know how he got there but he knew if he didn’t find water asap he will die, he was thirsty tired and close to a heat stroke as he walked the vast deserted land looking for water.

Miles and miles into his journey he spotted a person in the middle of the desert, thinking it might be ...

Just found out my grandma has been infected

I knew I should have used protection!

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Johny, a horny 16 year old is doting on his teacher, and he decides to ask her out.

"Excuse me, Mrs Elizabeth, I think I'm in love with you".

"Sorry Johny, but I'm too old for children", says Mrs. Elizabeth.

Johny- "Of course, that's why we'll use protection."

TIL there more slugs in the world than snails because slugs...

...don't wear protection.

One day a kid meets a firefighter who was getting out of his shift

The kid tells the firefighter “I want to be a firefighter when I grow up too!”
The firefighter responds with “ oh really kid?”
The kid responds with “yea follow me mister I’ll show you!”
So the kid and the firefighter go to the kids house and the firefighter sees a helmet, vest, wagon, and ...

Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.

"Can we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"...

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

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Did you know that Gordon Ramsay is against using protection during sex?

Every time he starts out by yelling, "It's fucking raw!"

What does a nuclear reactor and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I don’t use protection during sex but...

When I pulled out, there was suddenly a magnum condom on my penis. Should I be worried?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

What does black panther use as protection?

Wakondoms

Date goes well...

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: sure

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: *looking visibly scared* W-why? Who’s up there?

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny".

He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.

A German Sheperd, Doberman and cat died.

All three faces the god who wants to know what they believe in.

the german sheperd says: " i beleive in disclipine and loyalty to my master".

So God says him to sit on his right side.

then it was the turn of doberman and it says" i believe in the love,care and protection of my ...

The Greenie

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb ...

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

About 50 years ago in Texas

The bee protection act was passed which made it illegal to sabotage/kill bees from other farmers.

This was due to the fact that many bee farmers would sabotage each other and it became so big that Texas congress had to pass a law.

The problem was so big that it allowed for capital puni...

No one's at home

A lady calls her guy and says, "there's no one at home tonight..."
Guy: "wow. Say no more"
Guy gets all ready, buys protection and goes to her place.


There really wasn't anyone at home. Door was locked :(

What fo Catholics call the act of sentencing those who use protection to Hell?

Condomnation

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

3 Guys died at a car crash and all went to hell.

One was American, the second was Chinese, and the third one was Mexican.

The devil then said, "If you survive my flaming whip, you can go to heaven."

The three guys accept the challenge

The devil then says, "Ok, you can put on anything as protection from the whip.

The Ame...

If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection...

Well that's private

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

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