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Protection Jokes

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

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What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

# Bus shelters.

Did you hear? Rob Schneider is starting his own DIY electrical wiring protection company?

It's called **You Conduit!**

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I guarantee Gordon Ramsay always uses protection.

He hates fucking raw.

I’m in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

I have to go door-to-door and tell people I’m somebody else.

A study by the Bureau of Consumer Protection has determined that the most common first name on consumer complaints is actually "Sharon."

My kindergarten teacher was right. Sharon is Karen.

The Queen and her protection officer were walking through the park in Balmoral (TRUE STORY as told to me by a close source)

As they walked they were approached by an older American couple. “Afternoon, isn’t it lovely here, do you come often?”

“As I matter of fact I live nearby actually.” replied her majesty as her PPO shifted uncomfortably.

“Wow, have you ever met the Queen?!” asked the eager tourists.
<...

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Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be?

John D'oh!

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Why should you always use protection when having phone sex?

So that you don't end up with hearing AIDS

Why didn’t Beethoven clap upon the ratification of new legislature ensuring protection for deaf individuals?

You don’t applaud at the end of a movement.

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

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A man took a girl he just met back to his place, she said she wanted sex, but only if he had protection. He quickly whispered in her ear, "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start"

"what was that?" She asked.

"Contra-ception"

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.

"Can we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"...

A German shepherd, a Doberman and a cat died.

In heaven they faced God,who wanted to know what they believed in.
The German shepherd said "i believe in discipline, loyalty and training to my master".
"Good" said God. "You may sit on my right side".
The Doberman said "I believe in love,care and protection of my master".
"Aha,you may ...

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

The homeless had a sign saying " need money for protection "

So i went out of my way and bought him some condoms.

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

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I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

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If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

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Why is college like being sexual active without protection?condom?

It's really fun until you get tested.

I named my data endpoint protection AI "Johnny".

He's my Johnny D.E.P.P.

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

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Did you know that Gordon Ramsay is against using protection during sex?

Every time he starts out by yelling, "It's fucking raw!"

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

No E-Mail

A jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at a very big company.

The employer interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor.

“You are hired.” – the employer said. ”Give me your email address, and I’ll send you the application to fill out, as well as when you will start.”...

What does black panther use as protection?

Wakondoms

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

11-year old Johnny had a teacher who was very pretty and nice...

And he had a developed a big crush on her. One day the teacher asked, "Johnny, why are you doing so poorly in you schoolwork lately?"

"Because I'm in love." Johnny said, dreamily.

"Who are you in love with?" Teacher asked while she tried hard to hold back a smile.

"It's you." Jo...

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

What fo Catholics call the act of sentencing those who use protection to Hell?

Condomnation

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection...

Well that's private

What do you call an orgy without protection?

The Big Bang, as a lot of existence just got started.

Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

Did you hear that anti-vaxxers will receive protection under the Endangered Species Act?

Their offspring is threatened with extinction.

Why do they put protection buoys on boats during docking?

To protect it from pier pressure.

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My girlfriend asked me one night if I had protection

I told her “of course” and proceeded to unbutton my shirt. She asked, “Why are you wearing a bullet proof vest?”

“Protection”

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

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