Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man took a girl he just met back to his place, she said she wanted sex, but only if he had protection. He quickly whispered in her ear, "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start"

"what was that?" She asked.

"Contra-ception"

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

The homeless had a sign saying " need money for protection "

So i went out of my way and bought him some condoms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager got pregnant and the mom asked how it happened.

She said: "You told me that when Mike wants to unbutton my shirt and I don't have protection, I should tell him, 'Don't!'. And if he puts his hand in my pants, I should say, 'Stop!' "

The mom said, "Exactly."

Well, he was undoing the buttons, while his hand was in my pants. So I said,...

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

Did you hear that Judas turned state’s evidence against the lord?

He had to go into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

I've been hiding from doing any exercise.

I'm in the fitness protection program.

Got a question for you. If teachers get to take guns to school, for self protection,

do Librarians get to take suppressors?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Los Angeles Sherriff just recently ordered gun shops and strip clubs to close as they are deemed nonessential business as protection from spreading COVID19.

Good. I still have my Sex Pistols. Stay safe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

Who has a better personal protection, Russians or Americans?

Russians.

Here is a joke from the 1980′s.

Gorbachev and Reagan meet at the Grand Canyon to discuss security.

They start to argue about who has the better personal security. Naturally, Gorbachev says that he does, and Reagan says “No”, he does. So they go outside to settle this...

Permits required

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to clim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Protection

A girl and a guy have sex once in the dark and they both agreed to use protection

A few months later she finds out she’s pregnant

She asks him if he used a condom that night they had sex, and he says “no”

She replies “but we agreed to use protection”, and he replies “I did, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

Bus shelters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Clouds use as sexual protection?

Condemsation

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

The 3 men (Joke told by professor)

Sometime during the middle ages, one day - an engineer, a priest, and a farmer were being executed by the guillotine due to their crimes they commit against the village

the engineer was punished because he was rigging his builds and selling it blindly to people to make extra money by offering...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Thor was gay, what protection would he use?

Ass-guard

Protection

A woman was driving Up North late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she saw a cabin in the woods. Two men came out.

"Can we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is college like being sexual active without protection?condom?

It's really fun until you get tested.

I just found out my grandparents got infected.

I can’t believe it honestly. I told them to use protection and stuff but they wouldn’t listen and now the whole care homes got it. Oh well at least it’s easy to treat chlamydia now a days.

American teachers are now going to be armed with pistols for protection.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reacting to fear. [long]

I was gathering information for my psychology thesis and set out to interview people who have been in dangerous situations and find out how they reacted to extreme fear.

After some inquires I'd discovered there was a gentleman in a nearby assisted care facility that had been a wildlife photog...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Gordon Ramsay is against using protection during sex?

Every time he starts out by yelling, "It's fucking raw!"

The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why?

They had UV protection in front.

After a session of snogging in the couch, my girlfriend whispered " Shall we go upstairs?"

" yes " I said eagerly.

"Do you have protection? " She asked .

"Why? What's up there?" I trembled.

LPT: Always wear hearing protection when you go to concerts

This is sound advice.

An army sergeant is talking to soldiers about how guns should only be fired to protect themselves, their friends and their country.

He gives a whole lecture about safety and the rules one should set for themselves so they never use firearms in a way that wouldnt be fit for a soldier.
At one point a soldier asks the sergeant if he can ask a couple of questions about shooting without the need for protection;

The serg...

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend

Happy Mother's Day!

I sat next to an insurance salesmen at the Robbie Williams gig last night.

And through it all, he offered me protection...

What does black panther use as protection?

Wakondoms

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I don’t use protection during sex but...

When I pulled out, there was suddenly a magnum condom on my penis. Should I be worried?

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

Shoutout to the ex-mobster who, through witness protection, was relocated in a house under the sea.

Rest easy, you’re sleeping with the fishes now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well, it finally happened today, I knew it would eventually so I was ready.

I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet away from everyone, I pushed my cart to my car, all the while wearing my face mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting groceries into my car she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal - ‘cause that ma...

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.