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Welfare Jokes

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."

“That's terrible," she replied, "We’re they moving?”

“I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "but if they were that would explain the suitcase.”

Notes from the Chicago welfare office....

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW." the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"

"Yep, they is all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children r...

Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....

I went to a protest for animal welfare.

But I should've been walking my dog at the time.

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

A Banker, a Fox News fan and a welfare recipient are at a table sharing 12 cookies...

The banker takes 11 cookies and says to the Fox News fan: "Watch out for the welfare guy, he wants your cookie!".

Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.

Shortly afterwards she stepped up t...

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office

to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.

"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,

"Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" replies the...

What do you call a mentally deficient cowboy on welfare?

Slow on the draw.

I seek to promote the welfare of a certain baked dish.

I'm a flanthropist.

What is a welfare queen?

You live in government housing, five kids by three baby mamas, and the IRS after you

I hear Donald Trump wants every welfare recipient to take a drug test...

I don't even what to know what he's planning to do with all those urine samples.

A woman walks into a welfare office...

...and asks to apply for welfare for her ten kids. The man at the desk takes and a form, and asks, "What are the names of the children?"

The woman replies, "Jamal".

"Okay, Jamal, and...?"

"Dey all name Jamal."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but how do you tell them apart?"

"Oh...

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Two men are talking about their sex lives...

One says to the other "I'm not getting on too badly. I have welfare sex."

"What's welfare sex?" asks the other

"Simple." replies the first guy. "I get some each month, but it ain't enough to live on!"

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

A couple is waiting

A couple is waiting in line outside a government welfare office. One hour goes by, another hour goes by, and then a third.

After they have been standing there for three hours, the husband loses control, and tells his wife, "The way this country is currently being run, there is no solution to ...

A woman goes to get welfare for her and her 9 children

A woman goes to get welfare for her and her 9 children. When she gets to the counter the clerk asks for all her children's names; to which she promptly replies "Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, and Joe."

The clerk is confused, so he asks, "Well if you want to tell them to go to bed wha...

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

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Not sure if this goes here or /r/racism...

A black woman walks into the human resource department to apply for welfare. The woman at the office asks the black woman how many kids she has. The black woman replies, "Eight." The woman at the office says, "Well, what are their names?" The black woman replies, "Lionel." The woman at the office sa...

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Well, it's that time of year again

when people come up to me with their scary face and frightening clothes with their hand held out wanting money and shit.
I hate my job at the welfare office.

Shovels, Asses and Camels

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this ...

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

Leroy

A woman who has recently moved to a new area goes into the local welfare office to meet her now case worker. All is going well, her case for welfare is pretty solid, but then the worker notices something a bit off.

He asks the woman, "Excuse me ma'am, but according to this you have fourteen s...

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The young son asks the father what politics is

The young son asks the father what politics is. The father says, "Let's take our family, for example. I bring the money home, so we call me capitalism. Your mother manages the money, so we call her the government. We both look after your welfare almost exclusively, so you are the people. Our maid is...

People don't like the idea of me being given money even though I'm unemployed.

I think it's welfare.

Brad and Mike are two old reti

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and t...

German Refugee

A refugee is sitting in the street in Berlin, bemoaning his life, when suddenly, a genie appears.

"I'm the socialist, liberal genie," says he, "and I'm here to grant you three wishes."

The refugee says "You see this gap in my teeth? I want it fixed." No sooner does he say that, that he...

Too many Daves

a mother went into the Centrelink (welfare) office to discuss receiving benefits. during the interview she was asked about her children.
interviewer: how many children do you have?
mother: 7, all boys
interviewer: wow, thats alot. what are their names?
mother: well they are all named D...

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When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

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My friend works at NASA developing robotic exploration vehicles...

A few years back he was intensely busy with a major project involving a multi-million-dollar remote-controlled rover, often sleeping at the lab and coming home only once every 3-4 days to shower, change clothes, and feed his cats. One of his cats got sick at that time, but he didn't even have time t...

A guy goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.”

The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 shiney brand ...

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