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Grammar is the difference between helping your uncle, Jack, off a horse, and helping your uncle, Jackoff, a horse.

I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not related to a horse.

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It was my first time helping someone shoot a porno..

Man, it was really hard

I have a job helping a one armed man type capitals.

It's shift work.

I was helping my friend modify his car.

It was really exhausting

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

What do call it when you’re helping deliver someone’s baby but everything is going wrong?

A midwife crisis.

A schoolmate paid me today, after I'd been helping him with geometry for a year...

We're square now

I just got a great new job, its helping out a one armed typist whenever she wants to do capital letters...

It's shift work...

In my spare time I'm helping blind children.

This is a lot of fun, especially since I got my new 3W blue laser pointer.

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college

I don't think I could ever repay you

I love helping blind children

The verb not the adjective

Kids helping mom.

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

My Dad and I were helping my Grandfather find his hearing aid..

“We don’t need to find it, I’ll be okay without it”

“No Grandpa we should still try and find it”

“What?”

I rest my case

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From an English Professor.

"In the world of hi-tech gadgetry , I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the practice of using capital letters.

The use of capitals , known as capitalization , is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping y...

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

Helping a friend in need...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
...

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he
puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS
CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night
without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the wate...

A got a job helping write an instruction booklet

It’s mostly manual labor.

A teacher is helping her young students with their colors and shapes.

"Boys and Girls, I'm thinking of something round and red!" she says.

Julie's hand shoots up. "A cherry!!" she says, beaming.

"Noooooo," says the teacher, "It's an apple...But I'm glad you're thinking...... "

She smiles at the class. "Let's try another one!" she says. "I'm think...

Helping a friend.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced at 7.30 pm after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
Wife: The dishes are not done, the house is a mess, there is no grocery and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you ...

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One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.

One day Jesus is helping St. Peter at the Gates to Heaven when an old man approaches.
"What have you done to enter Paradise?" Jesus asks.
"Me?" replies the old man, "not much, I am just a simple carpenter but my son makes me worthy."
"Your son?" asks Jesus
"Yes, my son. He was bo...

I was recently fired from McDonald's for helping myself to too many cheeseburgers

I think I was misled about their "opportunities for growth"

I was helping my sister move when she said, "do you wanna box?"

Why was she so mad when I punched her in the face?

"Rincewind, all the shops have been smashed open, there was a whole bunch of people across the street helping themselves to musical instruments, can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Luters I expect." --Terry Pratchet, The Light Fantastic

Helping people instead of putting a Facebook status

I prefer to help out people in need directly.


I happen to organize orgies with my cult of insecure attention seeking instagram girls who see me as a literal deity.


I'll often invite guys down on their luck to join us.


You could say, they'll be in my thots and praye...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

I thought my doctor was helping me with these lumbar injections...

But come to find out, he was just stabbing me in the back.

(dad joke) A Dad was helping his daughter study for her drivers permit test.

Dad: What do you when the light is green?

Daughter: Go.

Dad: What do you do when the light is red?

Daughter: Stop.

Dad: What do you do when the light is yellow?

Daughter: Slow down

Dad: **WWHHHAAATTTT DDOOOO YOUUUUU DOOOO WHEEEENNNN THEEEEE LIIIIIIIIGHTTT ...

When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there’s definitely gonna be a movie. There’s a ex US Navy Seal helping. They’re gonna make the movie all about him

and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys.

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Helping a person in need

A gentleman is at a bar. Feeling the need to take a piss he proceeds to the washroom. He notices an elderly man standing in front of the urinal looking around, his empty sleeves waving in the breeze. The gentleman takes pity on the elderly man with no arms and asks “do you need assistance?” To which...

Since I like helping the environment and recycling/reusing things I searched for a place with like-minded people.

After a few days I finally found where they reuse and recycle almost everything: r/Jokes

Confucius say, man who have no helping hands

get defeat!

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...

...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

I had a polish cleaner helping around the house, it took them 4 hours to clean the front room carpet.

It turns out she was a slo-vak.

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A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
...

My grandma taught me to be like Jesus and spend every day helping the powerless.

So I became an electrician.

Helping a lady patient!

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Paddy, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the foll...

It's funny isn't it, someone calls the police because they found a dead body and they are helping the police out...

I do the same after finding dozens of dead bodies and i they just tell me to "leave the cemitery"

What do you call a two Vietnamese people helping each other out?

A Nguyen-Nguyen situation

Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things

He is quite a ruler.

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

An airplane captain was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

An airplane captain Zouma was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, Zouma showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shopping, and stay overnight.

The next morning as Zouma was preparing the crew for the ...

My friend thanked me for helping him get an elephant into his room

I said "don't mention it!"

What temperature is best for helping babies grow?

Womb temperature.

I thought that that cute geometrician was helping me out because she had a thing for me...

Turns out she was just doing me a platonic solid.

My wife is helping a local flower shop deliver flowers this week

I told her that when ladies answer the door say, “Here, he ordered these for me, but I thought you deserve them more.”

I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows...

My official title is Band Aide.

(I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny)

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A little black boy was in the kitchen helping his mother baking...

the kid gets the flour and puts it all over his face and says, 'look momma, I'm a white boy'. His mother slapped him and told him to go to his father and show him what he's done.
So the kid goes to his father and says 'look poppa I'm a white boy'. The father punches him in disgust and sends him ...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have anoth...

Bush Jr., Obama, and Trump are standing before God...

God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"

Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".

God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".

Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".

Obama: "I believe in democ...

Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss

I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.

My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.

The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.

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A man is helping his daughter with a history paper

A man is helping his daughter with a history paper, when suddenly she asks: "Hey dad, can you tell me about 2016?"

Father: "Oh honey, are you sure you want to write about that?"

Daughter: "Yes! Nobody seems to want to write about it for some reason."

Father: "Well, if you insist...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

I was helping Mom with the computer and now she thinks I'm racist...

All I told her to do was push "ALT + →"

A teacher was helping one of her pupils put on his boots...

He had asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
...

Contagious

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence...

Cindy raises her hand. "Yes, Cindy?" She answers, "I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contag...

I told my wife that I am helping create jobs in the economy.

I left a dish in the sink and told her she now has a job to do.

CNN has just reported that Monika Lewinski will be helping with the Donald Trump for president campaign.

Apparently, the last time she endorsed a Clinton, it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Helping a friend

So I got a text from my friend this morning telling me he was going to kill himself.

Do I reply? Or just leave him hanging.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

[NSFW] I was helping my girlfriend prepare dinner...

I was helping my girlfriend prepare dinner and she asked me to turn the veg on.

I don't think fingering her disabled sister was what she had in mind.

Helping your neighbour South African Style

Hello, is this the South African Police?”
“Eish-Yes. What you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (Cannabis) inside his firewood.”
“Eeeh-Yes…Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society su...

Men helping men.

I was at an Ikea this last weekend, wandering around the show room, when I absentmindedly ran into a young guy doing the same thing.

I apologized to him, explaining that I'd I'd been mesmerized by the massive quantity of things and had somehow wandered away from my wife. With my mind preoccup...

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Had a summer job helping to make art out of elephant dung.

It was pretty shit.

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A helping hand...

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as ...

With terrorists in Iran, Turkey helping fund ISIS, and Greece in economic shambles I must ask.

If Iran attacked Turkey from the rear do you think Greece would help?

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Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens.

Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.

Today I had a second helping of hummus.

I was arrested for double hummus-ide.

I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour.

And call it Obsessive Disorders Control.

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helping the disabled

A guy goes jogging along a cliff face that over looks the ocean, and sees a woman with no arms or legs sitting on a bench crying. He stops to make sure she's alright. "What's wrong." he asks. She looks up at him sobbing and says,"my entire life no one has ever hugged me." So the guy gives her a hug...

A little boy and his mother were walking on the street when they saw two dogs mating

-Mom, what are they doing?

-The one on the top broke its front legs and the other one is taking it to the hospital.

-Wow what kind of a world are we living in? You are helping someone and they are f*cking you.

Some Kids Are Just Nuts...

In the kindergarten, the teacher was helping a boy with putting on his boots. They were so hard to put on, that the teacher couldn't take less than one minute to put one of them.

The teacher was just about to be done putting on the first boot, when the kid said:

\- You're putting the w...

What’s the best drink to have on the 4th of July?

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

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Three Old Prostitutes

Three old prostitutes were sitting around the nursing home, chatting about the old days. The subject of their first trick comes up:

First prostitute: My first trick was a police officer, and he was the best lover I ever had.

Second prostitute: My first trick was a fireman, and he wa...

Family supper.

You and your wife Cass go to her family’s supper.

Michael: Maybe if you stopped at second helpings it be easier for you to lose weight.

Courtney: Maybe if you were nicer you wouldn’t have a 2nd divorce coming.

As the argument gets more intense your wife leans over and says “don...

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

The bartender, pointing to the sign behind him says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here." So the string walks outside, where a man is smoking a cigarette.

The string asks him, "Hey buddy, do you mind helping me out by tying me in a knot and fraying my ends a bit?" The man, a bit ...

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

I’m going for the Guinness world record for wasting other people’s time.

Thanks for helping.

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NSFW Two pickets to Tittsburgh

Two guys are sitting next to each other on the airplane, each has a black eye. One looks at the other and says "what are the odds? What happened to your eye?"
The other guy replies "it was a bit of a Freudian slip. The woman helping me at the ticket counter had the biggest tits I'd ever seen. In...

Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches

Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Husband: *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are

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Lost and found

I was late home for dinner after goin to the shops and the wife was mad.
I said to her “honey sorry I’m late but a man lost €50”. she said “aww that’s nice were u helping him look for it?” “No” I said “I was fukn standing on it!”

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After the abortion ban in Alabama yesterday, my girlfriend is too scared to even have sex with me

Too bad my other sister isn't helping out either.

A Navy man, a Army man and an Airforce man try to figure out who is the best soldier ...

Army man starts: "I once jumped out of an aircraft 30 feet above ground and ran 5 miles to our camp."

Navy man: "That's nothing. I once jumped out of an aircraft 60 feet above the ocean and swam 10 miles to our camp."

Airforce man: "I once flew an aircaft to our camp, landed it safely ...

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Two men wait for an elevator... (NSFW)

So two men are standing in front of an elevator waiting for it to arrive. One man is a very skinny fellow standing at barely 5 foot 5 and maybe on a good day could manage to come to 90 pounds soaking wet. The other man is a colossus of a human being that looks like he runs out of weights to put on a...

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Missing letter

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out ...

Young cowboy

This young Cowboy in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and...

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