SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale.

**BATMAN:** *[shifts uncomfortably in his chair]*

When helping look for a missing person....

You always want to be as helpful as possible. Just not so helpful that you find the body.

Me and my girlfriend are trying for a baby and her mum's helping out.

She's just helping until i get hard.

Thanks for helping me understand the word "myriad"

It means a lot

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don’t think I can ever repay you.

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

I got a new job helping a one armed typist when she needs to do capital letters

It's shift work

What do you call pac-man when he’s helping you with your garden?

A weed-wakawaka

A farmer’s career criminal son was supposed to be helping him with the chores but when he looked behind the barn, he was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

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I want to sincerely thank everyone on Reddit for helping me deal with my sarcastic personality disorder

Fuck you

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

I got fired from my job today, for helping a client.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to give ideas on how to die, when they call you at Suicide Helpline number.

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

I was suffering from acidity, so my friend was helping me find ways to burp at will

Will did not appreciate it.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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Why is grammar important

Capitalization is important

It is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

I’ve opened up a gym helping ageing rock bands get back into shape. It’s going okay so far...

Just working out the Kinks.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

I was helping my friend modify his car.

It was really exhausting

I love helping blind children

The verb not the adjective

What do call it when you’re helping deliver someone’s baby but everything is going wrong?

A midwife crisis.

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The 3 Construction Workers

3 construction workers are sitting on the edge of a high rise they're helping to build, having lunch.

The first one, Alfredo, opens his lunchbox to find spaghetti.
"Mama Mia! Itsa spaghetti again! Ifa I see more spaghetti tomorrow, I'ma gonna jump off anda die!"

The next one, Jua...

A mother is helping her son study for a geography test.

She asks him: "What is the capital of Germany?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of France?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"What is the capital of Russia?"

"Berlin," says the boy.

"Good job, Adolf, you'll do great on your test tomorrow."

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A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

A schoolmate paid me today, after I'd been helping him with geometry for a year...

We're square now

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

In my spare time I'm helping blind children.

This is a lot of fun, especially since I got my new 3W blue laser pointer.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.



The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explain...

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What a mistake to make

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question t...

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A man and his son were walking down the street.

A man and his son were walking down the street. Along the way, son notices one dog humping another and asks his dad,



"Dad, what are those two dogs doing?"



Dad, tiptoeing around talks about the birds and the bees, avoids an honest answer and replies. "Well you see so...

A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)

They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning lif...

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