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Chances Jokes

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well.

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

Second chances.

A priest whos sin is lust, A thief whos sin is greed, and a fat kid whos sin is gluttony, are all standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that there has been a mix up in schedules and only 2 of them should have died. Because of their sins they are all bound for hell. but St peter offers ...

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way...

....but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

The chances of a bomb being on your plane is one in 300 million, but the chances of two bombs being on your plane is one in 60 billion...

which is why, when I fly, I always carry a bomb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the chances that the sister of His Royal Highness Prince Archie of Sussex becomes Queen?

A Lilibet

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

What are the chances people stop mistaking Link for Zelda?

Hylian likely

Pregnancy Chances

Did you know that your chances of getting pregnant are hereditary. Chances are that if your parents didn't get pregnant, you won't either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

Your chances of meeting a unicorn are extremely low.

But they are still higher than the chance of you getting a girlfriend/boyfriend

Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

What did the sperm think about his chances of becoming a baby?

He thought it was inconceivable.

It's true that vaccinated kids have higher chances of becoming autistic

Because they actually live to develop it

I'll take my chances

A Sunday church service was coming to an end. This gorgeous blonde girl started to make her way out to get ahead of the crowd.

As she was walking down the stairs, her dress got caught on the corner of a railing and was instantly pulled off. She was stark naked in the middle of the church. ...

Albert Einstein walks into a bar

He sits down and the bartender asks what he wants. He says "2 beers, one for me and one for the stool next to me".



The bartender pours 2 beers and asks, "are you waiting for someone?"


Albert says "No, but there is a chance that quantum fluctuations could align themselves ...

What are the chances of Gru’s henchmen having a singular eye?

One in a minion

No Second Chances

If at first you don't succeed, sky diving isn't for you.

They said being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

I don't see them laughing now.

How do you raise the chances of your joke's popularity?

You lie.



(My 5yo kid made this joke please be nice!)

What’s the chances of winning the Mexican lottery?

Juan in a million.

My chances with my crush are like jesus's second coming...

My mom believes in them but it ain't gonna happen.

Two great football fanatics, Andy and Stevie, were discussing the chances of football being played in Heaven.

They couldn't see how any self-respecting Heaven would not have football - but yet, they weren't quite sure. Finally they agreed that the one who died first would come back and tell the other if they played football in Heaven or not.

Not long afterwards, Andy was run over by a bus and killed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the chances of finding a kitten among a litter of puppies?

The PUSSYbility

What are the chances that a gorilla would jump on a lion?

Anyways I lost my job at the zoo today.

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

"What are the chances of me dying?" I asked my skydiving instructor, moments before jumping.

"Very high," he said. "My wife just left me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward...

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair ...

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and s...

Blonde: 50% chance to meet a dinosaur

Question to a blonde:

\--What are the chances that you will meet a dinosaur in the street?

\--50%.

\--?

\--Well, either I meet him, or I do not meet him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they...

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

Trump's last two chances to save his election campaign at the second debate:

1. Be endorsed by Dave.

2. Bring out a resurrected Harambe on stage.

The more people you play Sudoku with, the better your chances are at finding love.

Dating is a numbers game.

An older man confides to a friend:

"I'm already sixty, wealthy enough, and I've fallen in love. The woman I'm into is a beautiful young lady. What do you think, would my chances increase if I say I'm fifty?"

"Your chances would increase if you say you're eighty!"

What are the chances of familiarising myself with a semiaquatic amphibian to the point of ownership?

My newt.

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