Robbery in multi story car park

Now that's crime on a whole other level

An Irishmen is frantically looking for a car park...

He's running late for his work meeting and is looking for a park in a busy carpark. He looks at the heavens and says
"Father, I know I've been a bad catholic, but please just grant me a bloody car park and I'll do right by You again, I'll be a better man, and more importantly I'll be a better Chr...

Crime in multi-storey car parks.

Crime in multi-storey car parks...

That is wrong on so many different levels.

The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

CAR PARK SCAM: BEWARE!

Please BE WARNED! Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. ...

Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester."

Richard III: "Over my dead body."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" [NSFW]

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.

An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?"

He replies...

Murphy's Car Is Stolen

Murphy's wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off.  Naturally she reported the matter to the police.' What did he look like?, the sergeant asked.  'I don't know she replie...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Washing your own car is like wanking.

I’d rather do it myself than have a guy do it in the car park of a mall.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] WARNING to all men in Northwest England.

There is a scam going on in supermarket car parks all around the North West. The victim will usually be a male on his own and will usually be distracted by navigating the car park with shopping.

He will usually be approached by an attractive female in her early 20s as he enters his car. She ...

A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink...

When a buff guy walks in staring down the entire bar. He walks up to me, grabs my drink and downs it. He slams the glass back onto the table so hard I thought it was gonna break . I looked in disbelief and he asks "What are you gonna do about it bitch?"

I start crying from being so intimidate...

Two kids in a sandbox.

A boy and a girl are playing in a sandbox. The girl stands up and her pants fall down.
The boy says,"What is that?" Pointing at her crotch.
The girl replies, " I dont know."
The girl heads home and asks her mom.
Her mom says, " That's your garage dont let any cars park in it."
The nex...

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors.

He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works.
He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive ...

Some black tarmac and red tarmac are having a pint in the pub...

Some black tarmac and red tarmac are having a pint in the pub

The black tarmac says: "Did you know I’m the hardest tarmac in Britain? I do major road surfaces, car parks, runways, you name it, I’m hard"

Suddenly the door opens and the green tarmac walks in.

The black tarmac brea...

We had a fire drill at the sperm bank today...

But everyone gathered in the car park before the alarm went of, it was a premature evacuation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Murphy is leaving the pub for the night.

He gets in the car, pulls out of the car park, and begins driving home on the highway. All of a sudden there's a tree right in the middle of the road, so he swerves out of the way.


"what in the fuck was that?" he says.


A minute later another tree pops up right in front of his f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.


But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.

Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year- old boy this morning...

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the fuck was that? Stop the car, son."

The wife & I have just been to the cinema to see that film, Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle... full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the credits.

Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules...

...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend did a lie detector test.

"According to the results," said the conductor, "your girlfriend has been unfaithful."

I paused for a moment, then said, "Just how reliable are these results?"

"Extremely," he replied. "She gave me a blowjob in the car park earlier."

Fun with police

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sad Times

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend and fellow campervanner take his last, I was to honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A scruffy old drunk walks in to a bar...

... and says "give me a fucking pint and a whisky pal". The barman says "sure, but there's no need for the bad language though". The old fella drinks his pint down in one go and then pours the whisky in to his coats top pocket. The barman is watching this and just shakes his head thinking the guy...

They're watching...

I was in my bathroom earlier and I heard weird noises coming from the sink.

Then, I walked to the upstairs window and noticed a man dressed in an all black suit with black shades, suspiciously walking around outside in the car park.

Beginning to think that someone might be phoning my t...

A Tribute To Tim Vine

A few of my favourite Tim Vine jokes...

1. Conjunctivitis.com, that's a site for sore eyes.
2. Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?
3. Crime in multi-storey car parks. It's wrong on so many levels.
4. I phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach me how to do the ...