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A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?”
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well,” says the policeman, “tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve go...

When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.

But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

Little boy asks his dad for a new bike.

His dad says, 'Gee son. I'm sorry but we have a $40,000 a year mortgage and your mom just lost her job so I really can't get you one right now."

Boy says, 'OK pops. I understand." and goes off to his room.

The next morning his dad is in the kitchen making coffee and getting ready for w...

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on bike

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike, she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow.

I tried!

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the...

Two nuns were riding their bikes together on their way to church one Sunday.

The first nun says to the second nun, "I've never come this way before".
The second nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestone".

I went to the liquor store by bike the other day

I was afraid I could fall and break the bottle of whisky on the way back so I decided to drink it all right there

It was the best decision of my life because on the way back I fell off my bike like three times

A little boy asked Jesus for a new bike.

He prayed every night.

On the first night, he told Jesus "If you get me a new bike, I will never scream or yell again."

On the second night, he told him "If you get me a new bike, I will be nice to my siblings forever."

On the third night, he told him "If you get me a new bike, ...

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

What Do You Call a Doctor Riding a Bike?

Doxycycline

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

My dog keeps chasing the mailman on a bike..

If he doesn't stop, I'll have to take the bike off of him.

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A man cruises the countryside on his bike.

He was riding past a farm when the motor starts to stutter and finally stops. He tries to start the bike again but to no avail.
Scratching his head, trying to find out what may be the problem, he suddenly hears a voice coming from his right:
"I think the carburetor's broken..."
The man turn...

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

Why does a bike have a kickstand?

Because its to (2) tired

[OC] What do you call an Orc on a bike?

A Mordorcyclist

Saw a kid riding a bike that looked the same as mine in my neighborhood

I freaked out and went to my garage. Luckily he was still there; chained up and begging for food.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occurred to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

Knocked off my bike



I got knocked off my bike by a council salt lorry tonight.


“You effin’ idiot” I growled, through gritted teeth.

My dog is obsessed with chasing people on bikes.

I’m honestly just impressed he can ride a bike.

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"
"I bought it today," he says.
"With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.
"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."
The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who ...

The cops just knocked on my door upset about my dogs chasing people on bikes

Which is ridiculous, of course. Dogs can't ride bikes.

My son came up with this joke, I'm pretty proud of him

What do you call a murderer who rides a pedal bike?

A cycle path!

A hetero couple posted to r/twoXchromosomes to settle a dispute. One spouse had given their child a bike riding lesson but left the bike in the driveway. The other then backed their car over the bike. Who was at fault—the spouse who left the bike there or the spouse who didn’t check behind them?

The subreddit overwhelming responded: The husband.

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

What would you call Aristotle if he had a nice bike

Aris-throttle

(Just thought of this joke, seemed good in my head)

Why don’t Americans bike to work?

They don’t want to be two tired.

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

Did you know some bikers keep a little jar of vaseline in their pocket to protect their bike seat from the rain?

A biker was doing a big ride through a low dense inhabitated country. After a long drive not seeing a single person his bike breaks down. He starts pushing it and after a few hours of pushing it he stumbles across a single farmhouse in the distance.
He knocks on the door and the farmer opens. "W...

My kid told me he broke the sound barrier on his bike today.

But it was just a mock mach joke.

The bicyclist

A bicyclist walks into a bar wearing his bike helmet with a headlamp strapped on it for riding at night. "Nice head light," the bartender comments as he gets the biker a beer. "Yeah, it gets dark so early, I had to get it for riding at night," the biker says. "It makes me look like a miner." "No," t...

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week’s sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially “thou shalt not steal”


Then he got to “thou shalt not commit adultery” and remembered where he left his bike.

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Trucker is hauling a load of bowling balls to New York

A truck driver is hauling a load of black bowling balls to New York. He sees two chimpanzees riding bicycles on the side of the road so he stops to give them a lift. He doesn’t have room in the cab so he puts them and the bikes in the tractor trailer.

While driving through a rural town he is...

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One day in class the teacher asks the students to tell a story that has a lesson?

Suzie puts her hand up and tells a story about the time she was at the beach and jumped into the water and cut her leg badly on a jagged rock she didn't see. She said the lesson of the story was to look before you leap.

Next Pete told a story about how he went with his dad to a junkyard and t...

A Real Bicyclist!

A man decided that he was going to ride his bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pul...

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

I suspect, the gears on my bike are no good.

Of late, they have been very shifty.

Knock, knock. Who’s there?

Isabel.

Isabel who?

Is a bell necessary on a bike?

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Three men die and go to heaven…

St Peter to 1st man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?

1st man: Certainly not! I loved my wife and was never unfaithful!”

St Peter to 1st man: Excellent, you get a Cadillac to drive around for all of eternity.

St Peter to 2nd man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?

2...

The best dog joke ever - credit to Sir Les Patterson

Woman takes her dog to the vet because it's having hearing problems.

The vet says "Its because it has so much hair in it's ears. Once a month, get some Nair and spread it in it's ears, it'll keep the hair growth down."

Sure enough the woman goes to the pharmacy to get some Nair, and w...

A man is sitting in his sports car at the traffic lights when a little girl on a bike asks him if he wants to race

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees something gaining on him in his mirror, *fast.* He just barely catches a glimpse of the little girl on her bike a...

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A truck driver was having a quiet drink at a Road House in the middle of nowhere when 4 bikies turned up.

They walked inside and had a look around to see the driver was the only one else in the bar. They walked directly up to him and without warning, started to beat the living shit out of him.

Eventually, they let him leave and they walk up to the bar to get a drink. The first one says to the bar...

Why did the man keep getting hit by the bike?

He was stuck in a vicious cycle.

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An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang

The gang leader says "Well, do you have a bike?"

"Sure! I just bought a new Harley!"

"Are you ok with drugs?"

"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"

"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I got swung around by the tits once!"

A deaf man had a bike helmet that would vibrate if there was a loud noise from behind him to alert him of any vehicle’s presence

I guess you could call it his handy cap

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day……

The older brother picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for ...

The police just stopped by and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

I didn’t even know my dogs had bikes.

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I bought my Son a bike for his birthday.

He started screaming and crying about it.

Just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't excuse the fact that he's an ungrateful little shit.

Last week, i tripped over my bike and really hurt myself.

So i moved it into another room. But the next day, forgetting i moved it, i tripped again. So i moved it into another room. The next day, again I forgot, and I tripped again. So i moved it. The next day...

It's a vicious cycle.

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Free bicycle

I bought a bicycle which I hardly used. As a socially responsible citizen, I put it out on the porch against a board saying "free bicycle ".

A week passed and no one took it. My friend said "Dude no on wants free stuff, just chain it to the post and it will be stolen in a jiffy".

I fol...

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Santa's gifts

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket f...

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2 Bicyclists are riding down a bike path

The bike path goes by a lake, and through some trees. It's a moderately traveled path, but gets its fair share of riders. The bicyclists in question were riding down it on an otherwise pleasant day, when suddenly they reach a rough patch in the path. It looks contorted and discolored from the rest o...

Why'd the CEO of Peloton quit?

He got tired of Peddling exercise bikes.

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So my brother had this beautiful motor cycle.

So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. It was his baby. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it...

Mystery of the dead crows

The NSW Police have found a large number of dead crows on the Sturt Highway just outside Wagga Wagga early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian F...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

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What's the difference between 100,000 political jokes and a kid falling off a bike.

I still laugh every time I see a kid fall off a bike....
(For real this shit just ain't funny anymore fellas.)

The same bike tries to run me down every day.

It’s a vicious cycle.

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

Two nuns are riding their bikes back home.

They decided to take a different way home. After they get back the younger nun looks at the older num and says, "I've never come that way before."

The older nun replies, "Oh, it's the cobblestones."

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Three men on a bike

Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"

"Three?! Shit, where's James?!"

How to get God to get you whatever you want

There was this new electric bike I wanted when I was a kid. So I prayed to God everyday for it. However, my local priest told me that God forgives but does not give, so the next day, I stole it and asked God to forgive me.

What did the Saudi bike thief say?

"Look, no hands!"

Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway?

About three pounds.


(read outloud)

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

My bike needs new brakes.

I'm addicted to riding it though. I just can't stop.

What's the quickest way to discard an old bike?

Put a lock on it an place it in downtown Vancouver.

When I was just a little kid, I used to pray for a bicycle. Then as I grew older I learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works.

So I stole a bike...and prayed for forgiveness.

A horse, a chicken and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the ...

A guy parks his bicycle outside the US capitol...

security comes to him and says "you can't park your bike here. Don't you know that Congressmen, Senators, Speaker, Vice President, foreign dignitaries, and the President come here often?"

the guy says "oh don't worry, I've chained my bike!"

A child and his father were going to ride their bikes.

Child: \*wearing a beanie

Father: When you are going to ride your bike, you should always wear a helmet

Child: Don't worry dad, this is better. I already tested it.

Father: How?

Child: I threw them both out of the 3rd floor window. The helmet broke.

There was a man entering heaven's gate.

This is an old joke so I expect people already knew about it.

There was a man entering heaven's gate and St. Peter asked him. "What makes you think you deserve to enter heaven?"

The man replied when I was alive I once saw a biker gang harassing an old lady and when they are supposed t...

I got my a new bike for my girlfriend

The best trade I have ever made

Every morning when I leave the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It's a vicious cycle.

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Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

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A fat women was riding her bike very fast down a hill in the country near my home, I yelled out "COW" the bitch gave me the finger

She ploughed straight into the cow.......tried warning her

When I was 16 years old I told my mom I wanted to get a motorcycle...

She said, "You are not buying a motorcycle. My brother, your uncle who you never met, died in a horrible motorcycle accident. You can have his bike."

How many adhd kids does take to screw in a light bulb ?

Let's go ride our bikes

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Joke from old Czechoslovakia, translated for you

I was a CEO of big company. I was driving corporate Tatra 613. Every morning, coffee was brewed by sexy secretary assistant. One day, they asked me to contribute 5000 crowns for the funeral of the member of Central Committee of the Communist Party. I said that for 5000 crowns I will burry the while ...

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So there was this guys who just loved his bike very much, he'd just put vaseline on it everytime it rains.

His girlfriend told him that she wants him to meet the parents, but the one rule they have is that nobody speaks over dinner and who ever does must do the dishes.
So the man goes over there and everybody is silent so he just starts kissing and making out with his girl right on the dining table, h...

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

I took a bike-ride to the bottle shop today to get a bottle of red wine then headed home. I thought to myself, 'What if I fell off and my bottle broke?’ So I drank it all before I cycled home.

That turned out to be a wise decision because I fell off seven times before I got to our house.

3 small boys walk into a pharmacy ...

3 small boys walk into a pharmacy and wait in line. When they get to the front, the pharmacist asks "What can I do for you boys?"

One of the boys reaches up on the counter, drops a handful of change, and says, "We want some kotex."

The pharmacist is curious so he asks, "Are these ...

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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree."


The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."


The missionary is plea...

Two nuns, Sisters Mary and Teresa, are riding their bikes back to the convent from the shops in the old city.

Sister Mary says “Up ahead the road is blocked, but if you follow me, I know another route.”

Sister Teresa dutifully follows the older Sister as they wind their way through the city streets and down an old lane.

“Sister Mary,” asks Sister Teresa, “do you know this route well?”

...

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with ...

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my dick and my bike's engine have a thing in common

both need two strokes to go off

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her naked, rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and mo...

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I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

Border patrol stops a man on a bike

One day a bicycle rider stops at a border control.

On top of the man’s bike are two bags of powder like substances.

The border control Police demand that he open the bags so they can see what’s inside. When the man did cut the bags open, inside was nothing but sand.

The border c...

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H*tler and Mussolini are sitting at a bar.

A guy walks into the bar and asks the barkeeper "Aren't those two H*tler and Mussolini?" Barkeeper confirms. The guy sits next to them and asks:

-What are you guys doing?

H*tler answers:

-We're planning WW3

-Oh really? What will happen?

-We will kill 15m Jews and ...

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

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Mary had a little bike

She rode it on the grass

And every time the wheel went round

The spokes went up her ass.

\---

Mary turned her bike around

And rode it back to front

(With results that should have been easily foreseeable)

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For me using chopsticks is like riding a bike

I can never fucking remember how to do it

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

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I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

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As you grow up, your top proud moment in life is when you can ride your bike without holding onto any handlebars. Your next proudest moment is when...

you can stick your dick in without using any hands. It gets second place because you can't shout out, "Look ma, no hands!"

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