I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

Bob was riding a bike. Bob fell off the bike. Why did Bob fall off?

Someone threw a washing machine at him

Why can't recovering drug users bike anywhere?

Because they might be tempted to bike rack

What do you call a sentient bike that throws its rider off again and again?

A vicious cycle.

Did you hear about the mountain bike who forgot his true purpose?

He was wheelie lost.

There is a possessed bike that keeps riding over animals and then going to the beauty parlor over and over again.

It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself?

It was two tired.

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Harley Davidson for sale, mint condition, not a single scratch on it, used as my weekend bike. Very low mileage and I am very flexible on the price...

I originally bought this without consulting my wife.

Apparently “Do whatever the fuck you want” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot...

It got so bad that finally, I had to take his bike away!

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

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A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike

He says, “Did Santa get you that?” “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well,” says the policeman, “tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her $5. The girl looks up at the policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and rep...

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A young boy asks his dad for a new bike..

"Does your dick touch your asshole? asks his dad.
Looking confused, the boy says "Ummm, I don't know daddy."
"Well then you can't have a new bike." says dad.
A few years go by and the boy (Now 13) asks his dad for a new Mountain Bike.
"Does your dick touch your asshole, son?"
"No, not...

Two nuns are riding their bikes to church

The one nun says to the other "I dont beleive I've ever came this way". To which the other nun replies "oh dear sister, it's the cobblestones "

I've recently bought a mirror for my bike.

I've never looked back since.

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.

The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”


The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.”


The first student responds, “Good choice! Her c...

A cop is making a report on a bike crash

A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:

- A hand in the field.

- A leg in the field.

- Torso in the field.

- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...

He kicks the head.

- Head in the field.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

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I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike

I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way h...

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

Why couldn’t sally ride her bike!

She had no arms,

KNOCK KNOCK

Who’s there

“Not sally”

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

Attire

I was going to pray for a bike

But I know God doesn’t work like that so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

My dogs chase people on bikes

Never get your dogs from the circus

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school!

Kid 1: "My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!"
Kid 2: "Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!"
Kid 3: "That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

What do Janitors bikes sound like?

"Broom"

Horrible people keep recommending me winding bike routes

Those goddamn twisted cycle paths.

u didn’t get it

Two engineering students were biking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off ...

I popped a bike tire

And now I’m on cycledelics

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I just saw a guy riding a bike while trying to sell a donkey.

He was peddling his ass all over town.

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father

"Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

The dad replies, "Why do you want to know, son?"

"Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

Why can't Billy ride a bike?

Because he's a fish.

I was driving down the road and this lady was riding her bike. I yelled out the window, "Cow!"

She turned around and flipped me off!
2 seconds later she ran right into that cow.

I tried road kill for the first time today.

It was nice but I've nowhere to hide his bike.

A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle. One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to *Thou Shalt Not Steal,* really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his...

Back in the 1980s, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.

I'm telling you this now because there was no social media back then

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

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I was driving to work the other day when I saw a little boy riding a brand new push bike.

As I got closer I started to worry and thought to myself "Hey, that looks exactly like the one I bought online last week."

But then I took a deep breath and calmed down when I remembered that mine was still chained up at home. And there's NO Way that little shit could possibly escape.

I have a fetish for bikes riding on top of me

I guess I'm a cycle path

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparen...

Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.

In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.

Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids...

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

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Little Johnny moves out

Little Johnny asked for a bike for his birthday. His dad said: "We'd get you one but our mortgage is $80,000 and your mum has lost her job."

Next day little Johnny walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where are you going son?"

Little Johnny replied: "I walked past your r...

Yeah I've had it with my dog chasing everyone on his bike...

"Seriously? What are you gonna do about it"?

"Confiscate his bike".

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One day a man was riding his bike through the countryside

He was going a little fast and suddenly a bird hit his helmet and fell in-front. He went to check on the bird and found it is still alive but unconscious. He put the bird in a cage and waited. He eventually went to do something. The bird woke up, panicked and screams, “Holy shit, did I killed the bi...

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this mo...

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

Honda vs Harley

A 10-year-old girl was walking down the street when a big man on a big-old
motorcycle pulls up beside her and says, "Hey little girl, do you want to go
for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says, "Hey kid, I wi...

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Stonehaven recently,

Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying c...

The police came to my house after getting complaints about my dogs chasing people on bikes.

I told them that’s ridiculous. My dogs can’t ride bikes.

I knocked a guy off his bike....

I've since been banned from the gym for violent conduct.

I think it's really shameful how people criticize Lance Armstrong for taking drugs, the man won 7 Tour De France's on them.

When I'm on drugs, I can't even *find* my bike.

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."



"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."



"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus michael."



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Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

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"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light ...

What did the teacher do when his bike broke down?

He went on a quadrant.

Two nuns are riding bikes back to the convent when the older nun says lets take this other road back.

The younger nun notices that it is a cobble stone path and very rough.
They get on the path and are subjected to as you can imagine a very rough ride.
Wondering why they were taking this route the Young nun asked?
Do you always come this way?
No not always... but today maybe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

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A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

Last night I rode my bike to the store and they had my favorite whiskey on sale!

I had to ride my bike home with the bottle in my jacket. On the way back I hit a pot hole, fell down and immediately felt some wetness under my jacket. You can imagine my relief when I realized it was just blood!

I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again.

I'll have to retire it.

I asked my Grandpa for twenty dollars

"Twenty dollars? What for?"

I told him I needed Groceries.

Grandpa said " When I was a boy my mom would give me one dollar. I would ride my bike to the grocers and come back with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, two sacks of potatos, a jug of milk, a tin of coffee, and two loaves of bre...

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3 boys named Poop, Trouble, and Shutup were riding their bikes down the street...

Poop fell off so Trouble stopped to make sure he was okay. Shutup rode ahead but was stopped by a policeman who noticed he wasn't wearing a helmet. The policeman said, "I'm going to have to write you a citation. What's your name, son?"

"Shutup, officer."

"Excuse me?!" The policeman sai...

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

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Curious cashier

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the...

What do you do with a bike when one of its tires breaks?

You re-tire it.

The cops showed up saying my dogs were chasing kids on bikes again.

I guess I’m going to have to take their bicycles away.

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It’s a long joke but I think it’s worth it.

A bear is chasing a rabbit in the woods. Suddenly a magic owl appears and says to them: “Stop the hunt! I am a magic owl and I give each of you 3 wishes. Who begins?”
The bear directly says: “Me! I wish that every bear in this forest becomes a female.” *and his wish came true*
The rabbit wishe...

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I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

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