Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

My dog kept chasing people on bikes

I never should have taught him to cycle!

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

Bike is short for

Bichael

A police officer told me my dog was chasing people on bikes.

That’s ridiculous! My dog doesn’t even own a bike!

Bike tracks are like women

too flat isn't exciting and too curvy is hard to find.

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

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I made a bike out of tampons.

It’s a menstrual cycle.

What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire

Two nuns, Sisters Mary and Teresa, are riding their bikes back to the convent from the shops in the old city.

Sister Mary says “Up ahead the road is blocked, but if you follow me, I know another route.”

Sister Teresa dutifully follows the older Sister as they wind their way through the city streets and down an old lane.

“Sister Mary,” asks Sister Teresa, “do you know this route well?”

...

A woodcutter once decided to build his own motor bike. He used wood for the frame, wood for the engine, wood for the brakes, and even a wooden gas tank.

Did he ride it? No. It wooden start.

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As you grow up, your top proud moment in life is when you can ride your bike without holding onto any handlebars. Your next proudest moment is when...

you can stick your dick in without using any hands. It gets second place because you can't shout out, "Look ma, no hands!"

A nerd is riding a bike on the college campus when he comes across his friend.

The friend asks, "Where did you get that awesome bike?"

"You won't believe what happened," the nerd says. "I was walking on a trail yesterday, minding my own business, when this really beautiful woman rode up to me. She threw the bike on the ground, took off all her clothes, and said '*take w...

What do you call a teddy bear who rides a bike everywhere?

Schwinnie The Pooh

I don't think LGBT people should ride bikes.

They don't exactly go straight.

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

Border patrol stops a man on a bike

One day a bicycle rider stops at a border control.

On top of the man’s bike are two bags of powder like substances.

The border control Police demand that he open the bags so they can see what’s inside. When the man did cut the bags open, inside was nothing but sand.

The border c...

2 women are going for a bike ride.

They turn down an old alley way. one woman says to the other

"I've never come this way before."

the other woman says

"yeah, i think it's the cobble stones."

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?

He was stuck in a vicious cycle.

Little Johnny wants a bike

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning...

What do you call a bike tire salesman?

A spokesperson.

Needing a little more room to park our bikes I said, "another 10cm would make such a great difference"

and so my wife, bless her, replied with a stellar "that's what she said".
True story from yesterday morning, just wanted to share our mirth :)

What do you call a traveling musician’s bike?

A minstrel cycle

Saw a woman on a bike yesterday.

As she cycled towards me I couldn't help myself and shouted at her.

"COW!"

She cycled on but turned her head to shout some abuse at me, effing and blinding for a solid twenty seconds, before riding in to the side of a cow.

I was only trying to help.

My dog used to chase everyone he saw on a bike.

It got so bad that eventually, we had to take his bike away.

(This is tru) yesterday, I was with my niece, and she came round the corner on her bike with stabilisers, ‘look dad, no hands’, ‘that’s coz you have 4 wheels millie’ said her dad, ‘and you’re always scared when I go no hands’ and then he said:

‘I have 4 wheels in my car too’

I have a bike with no seat. It hurts to ride, and no one wants to buy it because it has no seat. So I'm stuck riding this bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don't even own bikes

I once pushed a guy off his bike

I've since been banned from that gym

My wife didn't believe me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

My son tried riding his bike without training wheels today and the bike kept falling...

I guess you could say it was two tired!

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

how many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

hey let’s go ride our bikes

A guy was riding his bike across the border with a bag

The border police waves him aside and ask what it’s in the bag. He answered „sand“ and after the police looked into it they confirmed it’s really sand and let him pass

The next day the guy wanted to cross the border again with a bag full of sand. The police were skeptical but they haven’t fo...

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Three men meet in a prison yard, 2 of them are white and the other black.

The first white man asks the other, "What are you in for?"

"I raided my company's 401k, and stole millions from my employees. My lawyer says I'll be out within 3 years."

"I shot up an abortion clinic and killed 2 doctors, but my lawyer says I won't do more than 5 years."

They...

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

Where does a murderer ride his bike?

A cycle path.

Why can’t the bike stand up by itself?

It’s two tired

I got a bike for my girlfriend

Best trade i have ever made.

A Chinese man fell down from his bike

He hurt his Chi-knees

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"Secret code"

This joke is set in India where the traffic rules are just as lax as the traffic cops.

One day, while riding to work on his bike, John realized he had forgotten his helmet.
He knew the cops would catch him when they saw this and that he'd have to bribe his way out of a heavy fine.

S...

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight" the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you u...

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

What was the bicycle that wondered how it was like being a motorcycle called?

Bike-curious.

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

Doing math after years out of school is like riding a bike

It's no fun when you run into something hard.

I saw a black guy riding a bike yesterday...

Thought it was mine.
Then i checked the garage and it was still there chained up, asking for food

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the dead crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT the Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from ...

A rabbi woke up one morning and couldn't find his bike.

After looking everywhere for it, he concluded that one of his parishioners stole it. He goes to the priest and explains his problem.
The priest says, "Why don't you gather all your men at your synagogue and read The Ten Commandments aloud. As soon as you get to "Thou shalt not steal" look everyb...

My brother owns a bike company.

He has spent years building it from nothing and always looked down on me for wasting my life away making puns.
Out of sympathy, he offered me a job in public relations and says with the money I'd be making, I won't have to work after 40.

I told him no thanks. I know the spokesperson never...

Two engineering nerds were walking across their college campus.

One of them had a bike:

Nerd 1: Where did you get that bike, man; it looks pretty well made.

Nerd 2: Yesterday I saw a beautiful woman riding this bike in the park, and I winked at her. She came over, threw the bike down, took off her clothes, and said to me 'take what you want'.
...

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Man runs out of fuel with Harley Davidson (very long)

There once was this man who always wanted a Harley Davidson. And one day he finally had enough money to do so.

When he went to buy his dream motorcycle the guy from the schop gave him a bucket of lube. The man asked: “wat’s the lube for”, is and the guy from the shop says: “because you have a...

Three friends die and reach the gates of Heaven

Three friends named John, Mike and Nick die and reach the gates of Heaven. There they meet St. Peter,he calls the first man, John, and says:"John, as I can see you have never cheated on your wife so take this Lamborghini to cruise around Heaven forever! John happily takes the car and goes to Heaven....

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

Bob was riding a bike. Bob fell off the bike. Why did Bob fall off?

Someone threw a washing machine at him

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike

I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way h...

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

Did you hear about the crazy guy who killed multiple bike riders?

He was a dangerous cycle path.

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

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Dinner at the girlfriends house

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When...

A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas

so he asked his mother. His mother replied, 'Well, I can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.'

The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'

The...

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A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

What do you call a sentient bike that throws its rider off again and again?

A vicious cycle.

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A boy gets stopped by a cop on a horse while riding his new bike.

A boy gets stopped by a cop on a horse while riding his new bike. The cop then asks the boy if Santa gave him the bike. The boy happily replies with a yes. The cop then says “well, tell Santa that there needs to be a light at the front!” before he promptly gives him a ticket. The boy, quite angry a...

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

What would a bike say after a long drive?

I'm two tyred.

Elsa from frozen died when when walking in the bike-lane

It was an icicle accident

My crazy ex girlfriend loved to have bikes ridden over her

What an absolute cyclepath

A young child walks into a shop and says to the person behind the counter

"Can i have some tampax please"

the man says

"sure thing are they for your mother?"

Kid says

"No"

Man says

"for your sister?"

Kid looks bemused and again says

"no"

The man with a confused look says

"well why do you want them?"...

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A farmer is lazily laying on the ground...

Lounging in the morning sun next to his donkey when a man on a bike rides up and asks "Excuse me, do you have the correct time? My watch has stopped."

The farmer reaches over to his donkey, lifts it's testicles for a moment then says "It's 1:24"

The rider is taken aback, "Are you sur...

I biked to the liquor store and got a bottle of vodka, but since I didn't have anywhere to secure it I drink the whole thing right there.

It's a good thing I did, because I fell over seven times on the way home.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparen...

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

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A little boy is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall...

A little boy was sitting on Santa's lap in the mall and he told Santa, "I want a fuckin' skateboard under my bed, a fuckin' bike in the garage, and a fuckin' train-set under the tree."

Santa said, "OK," and went over to the little boy's parents. Santa told them, "If you really want to stop...

I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

Did you hear about the mountain bike who forgot his true purpose?

He was wheelie lost.

A cop is making a report on a bike crash

A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:

- A hand in the field.

- A leg in the field.

- Torso in the field.

- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...

He kicks the head.

- Head in the field.

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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle after spending years teaching the natives. Suddenly he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, th...

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I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

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Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

A poor man needs oil for his bicycle.

He doesnt have any money so he asks his wife if she has any money.

The wife said she doesnt have any money either.

But the man had an idea to get quick money.

A few days later he comes home with oil. The wife asks how did he get the money to buy oil.

"Why, I sold my bike ...

Another joke translated from my native language

There's recently been many jokes in languages from people around the world. I though I'd give it a go.


Johnny got a brand new bike and was proudly riding it around his house.
He rode past the kitchen window and yelled to his mom: "hey mom, look! I am riding without my legs". A while la...

WW2

During WW 2 a British commando is trained to drop into France and sabotage the enemy. He is given a full training and in his last session he is told where he will be dropped and that a bicycle will be there for him so he will be able to move around easily.

As he gets ready in the plane to j...

Working road construction a guy that broke down gave me this joke in exchange for using my phone

A guy is driving along in the desert when he sees someone with a bike waving him down. So he stops and the guy asks

“hey can I have a ride?”

“Sure but I don’t have room for your bike”

“Well I can’t just leave my bike here!”

“Ok well I’ll tell you what, here’s a rope tha...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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A young boy asks his dad for a new bike..

"Does your dick touch your asshole? asks his dad.
Looking confused, the boy says "Ummm, I don't know daddy."
"Well then you can't have a new bike." says dad.
A few years go by and the boy (Now 13) asks his dad for a new Mountain Bike.
"Does your dick touch your asshole, son?"
"No, not...

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The Drover at the Pearly Gates

A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates asking to be let in.


"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.


"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.


"On a trip to the bac...

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Harley Davidson for sale, mint condition, not a single scratch on it, used as my weekend bike. Very low mileage and I am very flexible on the price...

I originally bought this without consulting my wife.

Apparently “Do whatever the fuck you want” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

A farmer had three sons.

One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'l...

There is a possessed bike that keeps riding over animals and then going to the beauty parlor over and over again.

It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

I prayed to god for a new bike

But then I learned that that isn’t how it works, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness

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A blind man walks into a biker bar andvorders a beer

While supping on his beverage, he asks the barmaid if she would like to hear a blonde joke.

The barmaid, in a rather gruff tone says
"Listen here sir, because of your disability, i will warn you now, im 6'2", weigh 300 LBS and lift weights in my free time. Im also blonde, the young ...

On a border patrol agent’s first day on the job...

...he’s checking people coming in and out of Mexico. At one point, a guy pulls up on a bicycle, and is wearing a large backpack.

“Aha!” says the agent to himself. “I’ve caught my first smuggler!”

He stops the guy and searches his backpack. He’s astounded to find nothing but rocks. The ...

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

I've recently bought a mirror for my bike.

I've never looked back since.

3 men die and go to heaven....

Upon entry, St.Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."

The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Cadillac.

The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was fa...

Why is riding a bike like 9/11?

Never forget

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