I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike...

She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.

-Edit: Thank you kind stranger. My first gold!

My dog wouldn't stop chasing people on bikes.

In the end, I had to take his bike away.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

A cop is making a report on a bike crash

A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:

- A hand in the field.

- A leg in the field.

- Torso in the field.

- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...

He kicks the head.

- Head in the field.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a man was riding his bike through the countryside

He was going a little fast and suddenly a bird hit his helmet and fell in-front. He went to check on the bird and found it is still alive but unconscious. He put the bird in a cage and waited. He eventually went to do something. The bird woke up, panicked and screams, “Holy shit, did I killed the bi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was driving to work the other day when I saw a little boy riding a brand new push bike.

As I got closer I started to worry and thought to myself "Hey, that looks exactly like the one I bought online last week."

But then I took a deep breath and calmed down when I remembered that mine was still chained up at home. And there's NO Way that little shit could possibly escape.

Back in the 1980s, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.

I'm telling you this now because there was no social media back then

Yeah I've had it with my dog chasing everyone on his bike...

"Seriously? What are you gonna do about it"?

"Confiscate his bike".

Two Nuns Are Riding Bikes On A Cobble Stone Street

The first nun says to the second nun, "I've never come this way before." And the second nun says, "It's probably the cobble stone."

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

Why can't a bike stand on its own?

Because it is two tired.

I have a fetish for bikes riding on top of me

I guess I'm a cycle path

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle. One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to *Thou Shalt Not Steal,* really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his...

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.

In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.

Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike...

My dad was behind me the whole time.

A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

The police came to my house after getting complaints about my dogs chasing people on bikes.

I told them that’s ridiculous. My dogs can’t ride bikes.

What did the teacher do when his bike broke down?

He went on a quadrant.

Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike

My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

Dad joke alert: Why did the kids bike keep falling over?

It was two tired

Last night I rode my bike to the store and they had my favorite whiskey on sale!

I had to ride my bike home with the bottle in my jacket. On the way back I hit a pot hole, fell down and immediately felt some wetness under my jacket. You can imagine my relief when I realized it was just blood!

What do you call a bike trail for crazy people?

A cycle path

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."

​

"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."

​

"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus mic...

Why can’t bikes stand on their own?

Because they are two-tired

Two nuns are riding bikes back to the convent when the older nun says lets take this other road back.

The younger nun notices that it is a cobble stone path and very rough.
They get on the path and are subjected to as you can imagine a very rough ride.
Wondering why they were taking this route the Young nun asked?
Do you always come this way?
No not always... but today maybe.

What do you do with a bike when one of its tires breaks?

You re-tire it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light ...

I knocked a guy off his bike....

I've since been banned from the gym for violent conduct.

I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...

It's a seriously vicious cycle.

The cops showed up saying my dogs were chasing kids on bikes again.

I guess I’m going to have to take their bicycles away.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The fi...

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

Ran over a bottle of gin on my bike to work today.

Ended up with a sloe puncture.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 boys named Poop, Trouble, and Shutup were riding their bikes down the street...

Poop fell off so Trouble stopped to make sure he was okay. Shutup rode ahead but was stopped by a policeman who noticed he wasn't wearing a helmet. The policeman said, "I'm going to have to write you a citation. What's your name, son?"

"Shutup, officer."

"Excuse me?!" The policeman sai...

I'm selling my stationery bike.

The pedaling makes it nearly impossible to write a letter.

I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday

I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.

I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again.

I'll have to retire it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tr...

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen

So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.

What do you call a nun on a bike?

Virgin mobile

Did you hear about the two identical bikes separated at birth?

They were long lost schwinns.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bike and the dog

Two cops just came to my house saying my dog chased someone on a bike. I said, "thats bullshit, my dog doesn't own a bicycle!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family had invited the daughter's boyfriend to dinner for the first time

While preparing the dinner, they begin discussing who will do the dishes afterwards.

"It's my salary you're living on, I do not want to do the dishes," says the father in the family.

"I did it last monday," said the girl.

And mom replied, "I'm the one who cooks the food!"
...

How did Luke make it across Endor after he crashed his speeder bike?

Ewoked.

A quote from the guy who invented the stationary exercise bike...

"My life is going nowhere."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife tells me I look uncool wearing a bike helmet

But I’d rather look “uncool” than fall and split my head open during sex.

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike.

I said: "Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it."

Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the lottery numbers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with ...

Just got a bike for my wife.

It was a good trade.

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike?

Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.







[just made this up \^_\^]

I get complaints that my dog is chasing people on bike

I didnt take this as a problem until i realized he has been using my motorcycle

Rabbi and a priest

The rabbi said to the priest "why haven't I seen you riding your bicycle to mass lately?"

The priest replied that his bike had been stolen and he had been forced to walk to mass every day. "The worst part do it all" he said "is that I think someone from my congregation stole it."

The r...

I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me.

I'll never go to that spinning class again.

What do my bike and the world cup have in common?

Both were stolen from me by a group of Croatians.

When you build a bike with old parts

Is it called Recycling?

What is the hardest part about learning to ride a bike?

The Pavement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can still remember playtime at school, A bit of footie, sneaking a quick cigarette & trying to finger girls behind the bike shed.

I fucking miss that caretakers job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I keep seeing this guy on a bike trying to sell his donkey.

He peddles his ass all over town.

How do you know if a polish guy stole your bike ?

You see him running down the street with it.

A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife

He tells the clerk, “I’d like a bicycle built for two, and one for me. “

Got my friend William to petal a bike connected to my TV.

You could say it runs on Will power.

I kept trying to ride my bike but it wasn’t moving

It was two tired

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.