A cop is making a report on a bike crash

A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:

- A hand in the field.

- A leg in the field.

- Torso in the field.

- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...

He kicks the head.

- Head in the field.

A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle. One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to *Thou Shalt Not Steal,* really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his...

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

I have a fetish for bikes riding on top of me

I guess I'm a cycle path

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.

In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.

Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids...

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

The police came to my house after getting complaints about my dogs chasing people on bikes.

I told them that’s ridiculous. My dogs can’t ride bikes.

What did the teacher do when his bike broke down?

He went on a quadrant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."

​

"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."

​

"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus mic...

Dad joke alert: Why did the kids bike keep falling over?

It was two tired

Last night I rode my bike to the store and they had my favorite whiskey on sale!

I had to ride my bike home with the bottle in my jacket. On the way back I hit a pot hole, fell down and immediately felt some wetness under my jacket. You can imagine my relief when I realized it was just blood!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike...

My dad was behind me the whole time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike

My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

Why can’t bikes stand on their own?

Because they are two-tired

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

What do you do with a bike when one of its tires breaks?

You re-tire it.

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

Two nuns are riding bikes back to the convent when the older nun says lets take this other road back.

The younger nun notices that it is a cobble stone path and very rough.
They get on the path and are subjected to as you can imagine a very rough ride.
Wondering why they were taking this route the Young nun asked?
Do you always come this way?
No not always... but today maybe.

What do you call a bike trail for crazy people?

A cycle path

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light ...

Ole came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Vere did you get da money for da bike? Dat musta cost $500," he asked.

"It was easy, Dad," little Lars replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Lars," Ole said. "Tell me da truth."

"Dat is da truth Dad!" Lars replied.

"Every night you ver gone, Sven, would come over to se...

I knocked a guy off his bike....

I've since been banned from the gym for violent conduct.

I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...

It's a seriously vicious cycle.

The cops showed up saying my dogs were chasing kids on bikes again.

I guess I’m going to have to take their bicycles away.

Ran over a bottle of gin on my bike to work today.

Ended up with a sloe puncture.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

I have been climbing up the corporate ladder in my job at the bike factory.

I was just promoted to be the spokesperson.

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The fi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 boys named Poop, Trouble, and Shutup were riding their bikes down the street...

Poop fell off so Trouble stopped to make sure he was okay. Shutup rode ahead but was stopped by a policeman who noticed he wasn't wearing a helmet. The policeman said, "I'm going to have to write you a citation. What's your name, son?"

"Shutup, officer."

"Excuse me?!" The policeman sai...

I'm selling my stationery bike.

The pedaling makes it nearly impossible to write a letter.

I was leaving the liquor store on my bike

and I put my bottle of vodka in the basket. I got worried that if I fell the bottle would break so instead, I quickly slammed the bottle in the parking lot. And it's a good thing I did because I wiped out a dozen times on the way home.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparen...

I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again.

I'll have to retire it.

I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday

I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.

Two nuns went for a bike ride and ride down a cobble stone street

One says "I haven't come this way before".
The other says "neither have I just hold on and enjoy it"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tr...

How did Luke make it across Endor after he crashed his speeder bike?

Ewoked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike

Did you hear about the two identical bikes separated at birth?

They were long lost schwinns.

What do you call a nun on a bike?

Virgin mobile

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bike and the dog

Two cops just came to my house saying my dog chased someone on a bike. I said, "thats bullshit, my dog doesn't own a bicycle!"

The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen

So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.

A quote from the guy who invented the stationary exercise bike...

"My life is going nowhere."

My son asked me if I would buy him a new bike.

I said: "Son, if you really want something in life you have to work for it."

Then I told him to be quiet because they were just about to announce the lottery numbers

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family had invited the daughter's boyfriend to dinner for the first time

While preparing the dinner, they begin discussing who will do the dishes afterwards.

"It's my salary you're living on, I do not want to do the dishes," says the father in the family.

"I did it last monday," said the girl.

And mom replied, "I'm the one who cooks the food!"
...

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

Rabbi and a priest

The rabbi said to the priest "why haven't I seen you riding your bicycle to mass lately?"

The priest replied that his bike had been stolen and he had been forced to walk to mass every day. "The worst part do it all" he said "is that I think someone from my congregation stole it."

The r...

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with ...

I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me.

I'll never go to that spinning class again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can still remember playtime at school, A bit of footie, sneaking a quick cigarette & trying to finger girls behind the bike shed.

I fucking miss that caretakers job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife tells me I look uncool wearing a bike helmet

But I’d rather look “uncool” than fall and split my head open during sex.

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike?

Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.







[just made this up \^_\^]

What do my bike and the world cup have in common?

Both were stolen from me by a group of Croatians.

Just got a bike for my wife.

It was a good trade.

When you build a bike with old parts

Is it called Recycling?

What is the hardest part about learning to ride a bike?

The Pavement.

I get complaints that my dog is chasing people on bike

I didnt take this as a problem until i realized he has been using my motorcycle

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I keep seeing this guy on a bike trying to sell his donkey.

He peddles his ass all over town.

How do you know if a polish guy stole your bike ?

You see him running down the street with it.

My brother isn’t going for a bike ride tomorrow because his brakes don’t work

That shouldn’t stop him.

A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife

He tells the clerk, “I’d like a bicycle built for two, and one for me. “

I kept trying to ride my bike but it wasn’t moving

It was two tired

My friend just bought a self-pedaling exercise bike..

I hope it works out for him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas!

Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

Got my friend William to petal a bike connected to my TV.

You could say it runs on Will power.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

What do they do with the bikes at the end of the Tour de France?

They recycle them.

Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them ou...

A small boy parks his bike near the senate and walks on...

.. A policeman stops him and asks: 'Why did you park your bike here? Don't you know about this road? Many important politicians, cabinet members, even the President and other such politicians pass through here..'

The boy replied innocently: Don't worry, I have locked my bike.'

I couldn't believe how expensive the new bike pump was!

I hadn't considered inflation

I didn’t notice that the bike my friend gifted me didn’t have pedals.

I knew something was missing, but I just couldn’t put my foot on it.