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A Policeman on a horse stops a little girl on a bike and says “Did Santa get you that?”

“Yes" replies the little girl.

“Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her £30.

The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”

The Policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!”

“Wel...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

My dog used to chase everyone he saw on a bike.

It got so bad that eventually, we had to take his bike away.

I have a bike with no seat. It hurts to ride, and no one wants to buy it because it has no seat. So I'm stuck riding this bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

Saw a woman on a bike yesterday.

As she cycled towards me I couldn't help myself and shouted at her.

"COW!"

She cycled on but turned her head to shout some abuse at me, effing and blinding for a solid twenty seconds, before riding in to the side of a cow.

I was only trying to help.

I once pushed a guy off his bike

I've since been banned from that gym

A policeman just knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don't even own bikes

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire!

My son tried riding his bike without training wheels today and the bike kept falling...

I guess you could say it was two tired!

Where does a murderer ride his bike?

A cycle path.

A Chinese man fell down from his bike

He hurt his Chi-knees

Why can’t the bike stand up by itself?

It’s two tired

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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tyre...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the fuck happened?" asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and bejaysus she takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, ‘take what you want big boy!’ So I took ...

My wife didn't believe me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

A guy was riding his bike across the border with a bag

The border police waves him aside and ask what it’s in the bag. He answered „sand“ and after the police looked into it they confirmed it’s really sand and let him pass

The next day the guy wanted to cross the border again with a bag full of sand. The police were skeptical but they haven’t fo...

I saw a black guy riding a bike yesterday...

Thought it was mine.
Then i checked the garage and it was still there chained up, asking for food

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight" the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you u...

A rabbi woke up one morning and couldn't find his bike.

After looking everywhere for it, he concluded that one of his parishioners stole it. He goes to the priest and explains his problem.
The priest says, "Why don't you gather all your men at your synagogue and read The Ten Commandments aloud. As soon as you get to "Thou shalt not steal" look everyb...

Doing math after years out of school is like riding a bike

It's no fun when you run into something hard.

My brother owns a bike company.

He has spent years building it from nothing and always looked down on me for wasting my life away making puns.
Out of sympathy, he offered me a job in public relations and says with the money I'd be making, I won't have to work after 40.

I told him no thanks. I know the spokesperson never...

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. <...

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

I got a bike for my girlfriend

Best trade i have ever made.

Did you hear about the crazy guy who killed multiple bike riders?

He was a dangerous cycle path.

Paddy rode his bike to the bottle shop to get some whiskey

After choosing a bottle he walked out to his bike.

He was just about to put the bottle in the basket on his bike for the ride home but then he thought if I falls off it might break.

So he drank it first............. which turned out to be a very good decision because he fell off 7 tim...

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

My crazy ex girlfriend loved to have bikes ridden over her

What an absolute cyclepath

What would a bike say after a long drive?

I'm two tyred.

Elsa from frozen died when when walking in the bike-lane

It was an icicle accident

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

Bob was riding a bike. Bob fell off the bike. Why did Bob fall off?

Someone threw a washing machine at him

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

Every morning I get out of the house, a bike keeps running me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

What do you call a sentient bike that throws its rider off again and again?

A vicious cycle.

A farmer had three sons.

One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'l...

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Hey, lets go ride bikes!

I got knocked off my bike last night by a lunatic driving a salt lorry through deep snow. You complete idiotic moron I shouted

Through gritted teeth

I used to pray every night for a bicycle.

Then I realized the Lord doesn't work like that. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas

so he asked his mother. His mother replied, 'Well, I can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.'

The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'

The...

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

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A boy gets stopped by a cop on a horse while riding his new bike.

A boy gets stopped by a cop on a horse while riding his new bike. The cop then asks the boy if Santa gave him the bike. The boy happily replies with a yes. The cop then says “well, tell Santa that there needs to be a light at the front!” before he promptly gives him a ticket. The boy, quite angry a...

3 men die and go to heaven....

Upon entry, St.Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."

The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Cadillac.

The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was fa...

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

Three men approached the Pearly Gates.

As there was only one place left, St Peter said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.

He asked the first man how he died and the man replied, "Imagine this. I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I cam...

A man is riding a motorcycle down Pacific Coast Highway, living the dream, when all of a sudden the clouds start to form...

...he pulls over. Out of nowhere he hears a booming voice from above: "My son, you have lived a life of virtue, one that I would be proud of, ask me of anything and I will grant it."

Astounded the man thinks for a minute then says: "Well I wish that I could ride my bike to Hawaii. I wish ther...

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

A cop is making a report on a bike crash

A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:

- A hand in the field.

- A leg in the field.

- Torso in the field.

- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...

He kicks the head.

- Head in the field.

Did you hear about the mountain bike who forgot his true purpose?

He was wheelie lost.

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Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

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A young boy asks his dad for a new bike..

"Does your dick touch your asshole? asks his dad.
Looking confused, the boy says "Ummm, I don't know daddy."
"Well then you can't have a new bike." says dad.
A few years go by and the boy (Now 13) asks his dad for a new Mountain Bike.
"Does your dick touch your asshole, son?"
"No, not...

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I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

There is a possessed bike that keeps riding over animals and then going to the beauty parlor over and over again.

It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

Came home from work to find the cake in my fridge missing. There was a note sitting where the cake was that said...

>“I broke into your house and saw the cake in your fridge, I didn’t steal anything else, only the cake in your fridge.”

I was infuriated, what kind of a burglar steals cake?!

I’ve had thieves take my bike, I’ve had thieves take my packages, but not like this, this one takes the cak...

Good Doctor

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor
of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in
his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage..

"He...

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

Road Kill

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on a highway this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT...

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The fi...

Mr Carrot was out riding his motorcycle on a beautiful day.

Suddenly a car cuts in front of him and he goes flying off his bike. A few hours later Mrs Carrot gets a call from the hospital. “Mrs. Carrot, this is Dr. Carrot, and I’m calling you to let you know that your husband got into a terrible accident.”

“Oh my gosh, no! Is he ok?” she asks

...

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Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

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Harley Davidson for sale, mint condition, not a single scratch on it, used as my weekend bike. Very low mileage and I am very flexible on the price...

I originally bought this without consulting my wife.

Apparently “Do whatever the fuck you want” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

I've recently bought a mirror for my bike.

I've never looked back since.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparen...

Two nuns are riding their bikes through some old Roman streets.

“I’ve never come this way before," the younger nun says.

The older one replies, "It's the cobblestones."

(Long) a guy stops at a farm

He sees at the door of the farm house was a three legged pig. He had to know the story of the three legged pig. So he knocks on the door and the farmer answers.
"Please you must tell me the story of your pig," he says
"That pig is the greatest pig in the world. A couple of years ago our house ...

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day...

It's a vicious cycle.

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

My friend is crazy, he’s constantly riding his bike on a bicycle trail.

He’s a psychopath on a cycle path.

My dogs chase people on bikes

Never get your dogs from the circus

Three men die and go to heaven

three men named Mike, Ricky, and Randy arrive to st Peters pearly gates, they are greeted by Peter: “welcome guys, mike please come in first.”
Mike walks through the gates where then a Ferrari awaits him.
Peter: “Here Mike, my records show me that you have never cheated on your wife, thus you...

Horrible people keep recommending me winding bike routes

Those goddamn twisted cycle paths.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school!

Kid 1: "My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!"
Kid 2: "Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!"
Kid 3: "That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!

A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle. One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to *Thou Shalt Not Steal,* really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his...

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

I was driving down the road and this lady was riding her bike. I yelled out the window, "Cow!"

She turned around and flipped me off!
2 seconds later she ran right into that cow.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

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I just saw a guy riding a bike while trying to sell a donkey.

He was peddling his ass all over town.

I wasn’t feeling so good and so I went to the doctors

I told the doctor that I haven’t been feeling so well lately.

The doctor proceeded to ask me questions and do some tests.

He came to the conclusion that I was not getting enough exercise and therefore advised me to do so.

So, based on the doctors advice, for the next month, i...

Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.

In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.

Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids...

What do Janitors bikes sound like?

"Broom"

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

My wife found a new way to get ne to pay attention

She says "the motorcycles trash needs to be taken out" or "the boats clothes need to make it into the hamper" or "this weekend card game I'm taking the kids to my parents and filing for a divorce"

I checked the bike and the boat and wanted to tell her they're all set before the card game but ...

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

Back in the 1980s, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.

I'm telling you this now because there was no social media back then

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