Why is riding a bike like 9/11?

Never forget

I've recently bought a mirror for my bike.

I've never looked back since.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

Attire

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A young boy asks his dad for a new bike..

"Does your dick touch your asshole? asks his dad.
Looking confused, the boy says "Ummm, I don't know daddy."
"Well then you can't have a new bike." says dad.
A few years go by and the boy (Now 13) asks his dad for a new Mountain Bike.
"Does your dick touch your asshole, son?"
"No, not...

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I was going to pray for a bike

But I know God doesn’t work like that so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.

The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”


The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, “You can have anything you want.”


The first student responds, “Good choice! Her c...

Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike

I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way h...

Two nuns are riding their bikes through some old Roman streets.

“I’ve never come this way before," the younger nun says.

The older one replies, "It's the cobblestones."

I popped a bike tire

And now I’m on cycledelics

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike...

She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.

-Edit: Thank you kind stranger. My first gold!

Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school!

Kid 1: "My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!"
Kid 2: "Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!"
Kid 3: "That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!

A black Jewish boy comes home from school. He asks his father "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

Father says "why do you wanna know that son?"
Boy says "Well there's a kid selling his bike at school for $50. I wanna know if I should offer him $40 or if I should just steal it."

A cop is making a report on a bike crash

A cop is walking on the scene of a bike crash making a report:

- A hand in the field.

- A leg in the field.

- Torso in the field.

- Head on the aslhl... asplh... ashl...

He kicks the head.

- Head in the field.

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

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I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

My dogs chase people on bikes

Never get your dogs from the circus

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I just saw a guy riding a bike while trying to sell a donkey.

He was peddling his ass all over town.

Why can't Billy ride a bike?

Because he's a fish.

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

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There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring i...

How did the man with no arms fall off his bike?

He was hit by a washing machine.

I was driving down the road and this lady was riding her bike. I yelled out the window, "Cow!"

She turned around and flipped me off!
2 seconds later she ran right into that cow.

What do you call a bike with a codebreaking dog on it, holding a gun?

A fetch-decode-execute cycle.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Horrible people keep recommending me winding bike routes

Those goddamn twisted cycle paths.

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen tim...

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

What do Janitors bikes sound like?

"Broom"

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A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle. One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to *Thou Shalt Not Steal,* really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his...

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I was driving to work the other day when I saw a little boy riding a brand new push bike.

As I got closer I started to worry and thought to myself "Hey, that looks exactly like the one I bought online last week."

But then I took a deep breath and calmed down when I remembered that mine was still chained up at home. And there's NO Way that little shit could possibly escape.

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

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One day a man was riding his bike through the countryside

He was going a little fast and suddenly a bird hit his helmet and fell in-front. He went to check on the bird and found it is still alive but unconscious. He put the bird in a cage and waited. He eventually went to do something. The bird woke up, panicked and screams, “Holy shit, did I killed the bi...

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.

Yeah I've had it with my dog chasing everyone on his bike...

"Seriously? What are you gonna do about it"?

"Confiscate his bike".

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

Back in the 1980s, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.

I'm telling you this now because there was no social media back then

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

I have a fetish for bikes riding on top of me

I guess I'm a cycle path

Ran out of vodka and decided to ride my bike into the liquor store

Man that hurt.

Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.

In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.

Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids...

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparen...

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."



"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."



"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus michael."



My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

The police came to my house after getting complaints about my dogs chasing people on bikes.

I told them that’s ridiculous. My dogs can’t ride bikes.

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A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

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Losing my virginity was alot like how i learned to ride my bike

My Dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

What did the teacher do when his bike broke down?

He went on a quadrant.

I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...

It's a seriously vicious cycle.

I knocked a guy off his bike....

I've since been banned from the gym for violent conduct.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for ...

A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

Two nuns are riding bikes back to the convent when the older nun says lets take this other road back.

The younger nun notices that it is a cobble stone path and very rough.
They get on the path and are subjected to as you can imagine a very rough ride.
Wondering why they were taking this route the Young nun asked?
Do you always come this way?
No not always... but today maybe.

What do you call a bike trail for crazy people?

A cycle path

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The fi...

Why can’t bikes stand on their own?

Because they are two-tired

Last night I rode my bike to the store and they had my favorite whiskey on sale!

I had to ride my bike home with the bottle in my jacket. On the way back I hit a pot hole, fell down and immediately felt some wetness under my jacket. You can imagine my relief when I realized it was just blood!

What do you do with a bike when one of its tires breaks?

You re-tire it.

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3 boys named Poop, Trouble, and Shutup were riding their bikes down the street...

Poop fell off so Trouble stopped to make sure he was okay. Shutup rode ahead but was stopped by a policeman who noticed he wasn't wearing a helmet. The policeman said, "I'm going to have to write you a citation. What's your name, son?"

"Shutup, officer."

"Excuse me?!" The policeman sai...

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

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"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light ...

I crashed my bike the other day and got two punctures. I don't think I can ride my bike again.

I'll have to retire it.

The cops showed up saying my dogs were chasing kids on bikes again.

I guess I’m going to have to take their bicycles away.

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

Ran over a bottle of gin on my bike to work today.

Ended up with a sloe puncture.

I'm selling my stationery bike.

The pedaling makes it nearly impossible to write a letter.

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My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike

I broke both my arms

The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen

So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.

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I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.



One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice ...

A teenager rolled up to the Mexican border on a bike...

He had a sack of sand in his hand.

"What's in the sack?" asked the border patrol officer

"Just sand," said the kid.

The officer didn't believe him, so he opened the sack up to find just sand. The officer dumped the sack empty and dug through it but he only saw sand. He even took...

How did Luke make it across Endor after he crashed his speeder bike?

Ewoked.

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don’t we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it “synchronizing our cycles.”

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What do you call a nun on a bike?

Virgin mobile

Just got a bike for my wife.

It was a good trade.

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What's the difference between red and green?

Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike

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My Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tr...

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My wife tells me I look uncool wearing a bike helmet

But I’d rather look “uncool” than fall and split my head open during sex.

Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike?

Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.







[just made this up \^_\^]

Did you hear about the two identical bikes separated at birth?

They were long lost schwinns.

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with ...

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The bike and the dog

Two cops just came to my house saying my dog chased someone on a bike. I said, "thats bullshit, my dog doesn't own a bicycle!"

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