UPJOKE
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Main Jokes

Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries?

Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the
interior light brightly glowing.  

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man

behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. 

He immediately notices a young woman in t...

Does anyone else have trouble remembering whether the postal abbreviation for Maine is ma, mi or mn?

Or is it just me?

Why are helium, curium, and barium the three main medical elements?

If you can't curium or helium, you barium!

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house…

So I divorced her and took the house. (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

A state surveyor visits a Maine farm.

He tells the old farmer that it's been discovered that his farm may actually be in New Hampshire, and not Maine. After several days of surveying, checking and rechecking, the surveyor tells the old farmer "Yep, I was right, your farm is in New Hampshire, not Maine."
"Good thing," says the old far...

What was the Ottoman Empire's main export?

Sultan pepper

What's the main rule of the Insomnia Olympics?

You snooze, You lose

SpongeBob may be the main character in the show…

..but Patrick is the star.

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

My cook quit after the main course...

... I guess he desserted.

What does Julius Caesar mainly use his iPhone for?

CarPlay, DM

As a commercial livestock hauler, my main responsibility is transporting donkeys.

My clients..have their asses handed to them.

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

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What's the main difference between watching porn and real sex?

With porn you open up Windows before you start, and with sex you open up windows afterwards

A land surveyor is redrawing the state lines in Rural Western Maine…

He happens upon an isolated farmhouse with a bunch of signs that say things like “Maine Pride” , “Parking for Mainers Only” and “Welcome to Maine Now Leave!” However he discovers that there has actually been a zoning mistake and the house is located just over the line in Vermont. He nervously knoc...

“The main problem with the internet is that there is no way to validate most facts “

Abraham Lincoln. 1865

There's 4 main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:

1) Find a woman who's a good cook an an and keeps a clean home.

2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.

3) Find a woman who is passionate and reallllllly good in the sack.

4) And The Most Important of All: Make sure they never fin...

What's the main religion of most ghosts?

Boo dism

What's the main reason for divorce?

Marriage.

I was watching a horror movie and was screaming at the main character to not go through the door

My wife asks me from the kitchen what movie am I watching.

She wasn't thrilled when I told her it's our wedding tape.

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs. I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.

I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

Apparently this is a current Russian joke: What is the title of Tolstoy's main work?

It's "Special operation and peace".

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I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “Username-valid ”

Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: ...

A truck carrying Microsoft software has just overturned on the main road.

That's the Word on the street.

What's the main use for leather in the world?

Holding cows together

The main difference between men and women?

The “wo”

Researchers have discovered a lost Hemingway novel where the main character is trying to learn a computer language.

The Old Man and the C.

What is r/jokes' main function?

ctrl+v

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

The main reason that Santa is so jolly

... is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I love it when the main character in a movie has a twisted back story...

Probably why 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' is one of my all-time favourites!

What's the main cause of Climate Change?

Somebody lit the dinosaurs on fire.

What are the two main problems about being an egg?

You only get laid once and the only woman to sit on your face is your mother.

Today I Learnt... Statistics is mainly about..

Rejecting H0s.

A cowboy is walking naked down main street...

and the sheriff came driving by and saw him. BWOOP BWOOP! He pulls over and talks to him.
"Son, why are you naked in the middle of town?"
The cowboy chuckles and says "Well, it's a long story."
"There is a naked cowboy on main street in my town. I got time for a long story, let's hear it."...

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All of the Apple fanboys are missing the main feature they can hold over android users

Their nude pictures are automatically synced to 4chan and reddit.

Did you hear about the hate-group whose members are mainly doves and chickens?

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan.

Communist party gathers, main speaker is Stalin. Someone sneezes.

Stalin: Comrades, who sneezed?

Silence.

Stalin: I ask again, comrades, who sneezed?

Silence intensifies.

Stalin: Shoot down first row!

Guards spray the first row with bullets.

Stalin: Comrades, i ask AGAIN, who sneezed?

Dead silence.

Stalin: Sh...

[nsfw]The hospitals new director is an idiot. He commissioned a huge chandelier for the main lobby that humanizes those living with erectile disfunction. The entire board told him not to do it and that they wouldn't be attending the unveiling.

It's unfortunate because it was well hung, difficult to get up, and nobody came.

(I’m going to hell for this one) What is the main difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?

Walker made it to 100.

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...

What are the main characteristic of hippie music?

There are only high notes

A circus ringleader and his wife were living with their main act, an alcoholic chimpanzee

The chimpanzee would always do the same thing every day: find the liquor cabinet, drink a few bottles, screech and destroy things for a few hours, and then pass out in a random spot for the rest of the day.

The wife could not stand the chimp, but the ringmaster did not have enough money to f...

What's the main problem with mansplaining?

Most women use the terminology wrong. You see...

There are two main reasons I don’t let my girlfriend use my PlayStation.

1) I don’t have a PlayStation.

2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

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What is the main chemical compound in Viagra?

Macoxsafloppin.

The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.

Why you taking your girl to Maine this summer?

I'm going to Bangor.

What’s the main difference between oral and rectal thermometers?

The taste.

What are the four main problems with Soviet agriculture?

Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter









yeh this Reagan's joke, doesn't mean it isn't funny

It was time for the Sunday morning service to begin but there was no trace of the main preacher.

A young priest was asked to take his place. Worried out of his mind, he went to the bishop's room. "What shall I do, bishop? They're asking me to give a sermon and I don't have anything prepared!"

"Trust the Lord, good man, trust the Lord." said the Bishop. Having found no solution, the pries...

i took the main courses in school, reading, writing, and meth...

....i hated my lab partner

I like the way that the main actress in *Interstellar* delivered her lines

She just Hathaway with words

A very sick main walks onto a pier.

He slowly stumbles around and eventually makes his way to the end of the dock to a small shed.

He stands in front of it and knocks on the door. As soon as someone answers he whimpers, "Can anyone in the help me?"

An old sailor takes one look at him, and says "I think you're at the wro...

What’s the main job of a Jewish barista?

He brew

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

What's the main similarity between a morgue and an office complex?

Both are good places for a stiff to go.

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is ...

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What is main difference between the mating habits of the horse and the unicorn?

The unicorn is much hornier.

What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?

The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different.

The main reason everybody hates flat Earthers

...is because they're so edgy.

The White House has become low income housing and it’s main tenant is a broke, deadbeat

There goes the neighborhood!

Are there several ways to abbreviate Maine?

Or is it just me

[NSFW] A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...

Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants of...

A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...

The 3 main difference between the UK and the USA

In the UK it's football. In the USA it's soccer.
In the UK it's Colour. In the USA it's Color.
In the UK it's School. In the USA it's shooting range.

If Trump played an RPG, what would his main weapon be?

Fire staff.

The main thing I got from that movie Rango...

...is that Rango likes pork'n' Beans.

At least he thinks he would.

A man is walking down Main Street in a small town, browsing the shops.

He goes into a curio shop, and peruses through all the knickknacks. In front of the register, there is a glass case with several expensive items. One item catches his eye; a little gold rat, slightly smaller than the real thing. He asks the shopkeeper what's the deal with the gold rat.

"Ahhh,...

What's a cow's main source of energy?

Cowleries

What’s the difference between Canada and Maine?

In Canada Moosehead is a beer and in Maine it’s a misdemeanor.

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An Irishman walks into a job interview.

A Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the boss said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the man says, "Dats easy."

[And proceeds to draw three trees.](https://qph.i...

My girlfriend lives in Portland, she’s my Maine hoe

But I got a girl in Boise who’s my Sidaho

What would be the main event at the immigrant olympics?

Cross country.

We used to live on a very busy main road.

But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move in to a house.

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

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I mainly watch porn for the storyline...

...but the plotholes are always too obvious.

Which former European state exported mainly napkins?

The Serviette Union

What is the main difference between a Zippo and a hippo?

A hippo is extremely heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.

I'm the officially the main owner of Old McDonald's Farm...

I'm the CIEIO!

Member when "Member Berries" wasn't the main remember meme?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

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The main attraction gorilla at a zoo dies right before the zoo opens for the day.

Many of the zoo’s daily visitors come just to see the gorilla. So, in a desperate move, the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Qui...

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What was Pamela Voorhees' main complaint about Camp Crystal Lake?

The fucking teenagers.

I remember when a YouTuber's main aim was to entertain

Now they're all diss-track-ted

Let’s not forget the main victims of swatting

Houseflies

People from Maine are so self-centered

All their T-Shirts and mugs say "I ❤️ ME"!

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

r/Jokes subscribers decide to make a meal. What is the main ingredient?

Copypasta.

Enterprise maintenance log, stardate 2259.55: Today, the main sewage system got jammed by the captain's log again.

Medical promised to recommend a change to his diet.

I joined a fitness group where the main objective is to always take the stairs.

It's a 10,000 step program.

What's the main problem with Wookie steaks?

They're a little Chewie.

(Edit: Wookiee***)

Did you know that the seven main characters on SpongeBob SquarePants represent the seven deadly sins?

SpongeBob:

Patrick:

Squidward:

Sandy:

Plankton:

Gary:

Mr. Krabs: Lust, sloth, wrath, pride, envy, gluttony, and greed

The main difference between men and women....

.... is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

The health inspector shut down the restaurant on the corner of main street and second avenue...

A new owner rebuilt the kitchen area. The inspector was very impressed with the new kitchen. Stainless steel counters and shelves. Floors of white marble. More lighting install making a bright and clean looking work area. Tongs hanging everywhere, the food was not touched by human hands.

The ...

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I’ve got a porn parody idea for Lord of the Rings. The main character.....

Dildo Gaggins

Why does Paris have trees along Main Street?

Because Germans like to walk in the shade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the main attraction at a Nazi Theme park?

Genoslide.

Joey's walking down Main Street

Joey's walking down Main Street when he passes George, and George looks frantic.

"Joey! Joey, you gotta help me," says George.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"It's Phil! He's suicidal! You gotta go talk to him. He just got a job at the new soda pop bottling plant, and it's ruining him."...

What's the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk at the party.

BA DUM TSSH

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When it comes to nuclear war the main difference is...

Korea have a desk with a button.

America have a desk with a knob.

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

I've just bought my daughter her main toy for Christmas......

I ate the happy meal though.

Our sailing trip in Maine was going great...

until we were capsized by Augusta wind.

What is the main difference between real numbers and women?

Real numbers having period are rational.

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

What is the car company, Kia's, main competitor?

Nokia

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