A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

An old Man is in the big city the first time in his life for an doctors apointment.

He takes a taxi, a mercedes, to get to his appointment. The whole ride he bombards his driver the most stupid questions about live in the big city. The taxi driver gehts more and more irritated about the questions.

Finally the man asks: "What´s the star in the middle of your hood for?"
...

Everyone knows what sin city is. But does anyone know what is den city?

Mass per unit volume

They said I could never flood New York City with nitrous oxide.

Who's laughing now?

What's the difference between Venice and the Lost City of Atlantis?

I guess about two or three years.

Summer in my city makes me feel like a super rock star

Everyday I have this fan blowing my balls

I asked the local homeless guy what he thought of the rubbish collectors in this city.

He said, "They leave a lot to be desired."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy opens a restaurant in a new city

He comes to meet the small grocery stores and meets the lady :

I need dog food. It's for my dog.

The lady refuses at first, and tells him she wants to see the dog to be sure he won't give the dog food to his customers. The guys leaves, comes back with a dog, and the lady, angrily, give...

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice

Sorry.

What do you call the place in a French city where the minorities live?

A baguetto

If I was to visit just one capital city it would be Seoul.

If I decided on another one, that would be Dublin. And if I added a third it would be Tripoli.

What do you call a city filled with protesting geese?

Honk Kong

A balcony fell in the Ukrainian city and crushed a man.

There’s a big crowd next to the corpse. Old women is crying:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, he was so young!...”

Someone from the crowd:

“Calm down grandma, he was russian.”

The women continues:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, there are so many god...

A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city.

Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?

Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.

Journalist: And what does your heart say?...

Why did Elton John go to Radio City Music Hall?

He wanted to be a Rockette Man

Spanish dad: I'm leaving for the city

Spanish son: ciudad

You're a Savage Warrior. You're a barbarian. You come from a city in Iran. You're a Barbar Barbarian.

You're known for hanging around your favorite drinking establishment. You're a Barbar bar barbarian.

You get exiled. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian.

You get a job cutting hair. You're a barred Barbar bar barbarian barber.

You are the exclusive hairstylist of a popular chil...

Donald Trump is flying over New York City.

He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!"

His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy."...

What’s the tallest building in your city?

The library because it has the most stories

What is the name of the city ruled by clowns?

Honk-honk

In 1940, the German Army was sieging a french city in a last ditch attempt

They had nothing Toulose.

I met a strange man in a coastal city in China

They call him Bay-Jing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving a taxi in New York City and his passenger taps him on the shoulder and he almost crashes

She tells him, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He says, "Don't worry about it this is my first day as a taxi driver." She asks him,"How long have you lived in New York?" He responds with saying, "My whole life but I've been driving a Hearse for 25 years."

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

There's a gang in my city who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join...

But enough about church, how's your day been?

A Spartan man and an Athenian man are arguing over which city is best

The Spartan man says " I think this should come down to a vote"

To which the Athenian agrees

The Spartan then says "I vote Sparta"

The Athenian says" I vote Athens"

The Spartans wife say "I vote Sparta"

The Athenian Wife says calmly"I don't get to vote"

Two nuns riding bicycles on tiny back roads in Vatican City...

One old and one young, they pedal down the tiny side streets admiring the scenery. The young nun sighs and says, "Wow, I've never come this way before."

The other nun goes, "Ah, yes, my dear. It's the cobblestones."

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

With all of this Joker controversy, I heard that the Joker from The Dark Knight is preparing to launch a radio station in downtown Gotham City...

...but you can only listen to it if you have Why-So-Sirius XM.

City Redlights

I was driving around in the city when I was about to go through a green light.

I noticed that it had one of those cameras that will take a picture of your plates if you run the red and thought nothing of it.

However, when I went through the green it flashed and took a picture of me. I ...

Which Country’s capital city has the fastest growing population.

Ireland. Everyday it’s Dublin.

A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

So finally he

What's the difference between 9/11 and the Oklahoma City Bombings?

Once again, foreigners can do it better, cheaper, and more efficiently.

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

A lot of conflict in the Wild West....

....could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

A villager visits a city

He sees two people sitting and having a chat in a wide store that has only a table and a few chairs. He wonders and goes in.

-Hello

-Hi, how can we help?

-I was just wondering... What do you sell here?

The seller wants to have some fun with the villager and replies wit...

A man walks into a Subway...

Every Friday, the man goes to Subway to purchase the "sub of the week", each comprised of several ingredients never before heard of.

However, he walks in the Subway and quickly finds that the sub, oddly named Arjoques, is completely identical to a sandwich he had purchased at Jimmy John's onl...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

Kosovo has the cleanest capital city in the world. Whichever capital city you think of

Kosovo’s is Pristina.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk woman, stark naked, gets into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

Tim lost his job as a stock broker, so he decided to start a new life for himself away from the big city.

On his first day out in the country, Tim wandered into a fishing shop. The shop had a help wanted sign, so Tim asked the owner for a job.

“What do you know about fishing?” the owner asked him.

“Nothing,” Tim replied. “But I used to be a stock broker, so I am sure that I am smart enoug...

What is the most shocking city in the world?

Electricity

How many New York City cops does it take to crack an egg?

None. The egg tripped.

What is everyone doing!



I'm tired. Really tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.


The population of this country is 237 million.


104 million are retired. That leaves ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.

He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was tha...

City counsel decides not to fine restaurant owner for digging a hole in his own establishment with a pickaxe...

They say he was just mining his own business.

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live?

The writers' block.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in the city.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"

"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."

"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

What do you call a city full of overweight people?

Obe-city

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes

2 Irish men get the idea to sell crocodile shoes after seeing an expensive pair in a Dublin City shop.

They fly to Africa, set up beside a notorious crocodile infested lake and go to work.

After a long day the 2 men have left a long line of dead crocodiles all along the lake shore.
...

#2857: Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to dimi...

Two monocles

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

Here’s a science joke

Two atoms are running around the city. Suddenly the first atom crashes into the second one while running to get the train. “Sorry” the first atom said as he help pick up the second atoms things. “Are you ok?” Said the first atom. “Yea, but I think I’ve lost an electron” replied the second atom “are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.



Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "It will be $5...

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

There was a man in a big city who got a job at a call center.

He was working 12 hour shifts everyday, he was entirely dedicated to his work.

He had a dog with him named Ricky and he used to play with it daily and had learnt a lot of skills in training dogs. It was his favorite dog. He also had another hobby of picking up dirty items off roads.

...

A man was talking to an old woman before he left on a trip to New York.

She told him that years ago, her son had left for New York and she hadn't heard from him since. He asked her what his name was and told her that he would look for him. She told him his name was John Dunn. "Tell him to call his mother," she said.

So he gets to New York and as he's walking thro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy who works in a big city has been feeling super stressed so he decides to ask for some time off in the countryside.

He goes to his boss and asks for 5 days off so he can relax and enjoy a countryside vacation, just him and his dog. His boss says that's ok, so he goes home, packs some stuff, puts his dog in the car and starts driving.

After a couple hours of driving he finds himself in one of those "endless...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Three men get lost in a city.

Not knowing what else they could do, they decide to book rooms for the night at the closest hotel. They ask the receptionist for any available rooms they could rent, and the receptionist informs them that there was only one room with a queen-sized bed left for them.

The men decide that bunki...

Robber and walker

Late one night in the capitol city an Army deserter wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this
...I'm a Member of Parliament!"

"In that...

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: "I fell in love with a beautiful girl."

Father: "That's great, do I know her?"

Son: "Yes, it is Andrea who lives across the street."

Father: "Oh that is bad, I am sorry, don't tell this to your mom but Andrea is your sister."

The boy is upset, but accepts the truth.

After few months he comes to his dad again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city boy spends the summer with his country cousins on a farm....

After a couple weeks the city boy asks his country cousins what they do for sex? The cousins explain they go down to the pig pen after dark and have their way with one of the sows (that is a female pig for you city people).
The city boy says No Way! The cousins tell him it’s really good he shoul...

There are reports of Civic unrest coming in from all over the city, but I’m not worried...

I drive an Accord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

Rihanna is now a fan of the Kansas City Royals.

They don't beat anyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap o...

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

What’s the difference between a Pulitzer Prize winning author and a carpenter from Salt Lake City?

One is Norman Mailer and the other is a Mormon Nailer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

In protest, my friends and I are gonna march down to the city square dressed in trash that we picked up around the city...

...like litter-rally.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

Which city has the highest concentration of superheros?

Capetown.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

The Truck Driver and the Priest

In a small town outside of a big city, there was this truck driver who hated Lawyers. Now I mean like he really hated them lawyers. So whenever he was driving, he would intentionally swerve to hit them. Now, one day, he was driving his normal route, when he spots a priest on the side of the road. So...

I'm not saying that the people in my city have bad teeth...

But a guy just went through the self scan checkout at Wal-Mart, smiled and the barcode scanner picked it up as an electric crockpot.

An old joke I heard from an Israeli fighter pilot...

According to him, flight school is hard. Most recruits wash out early. Some... Not so early. The training lasts years, and you can wash out at any time.

It was the last day of training, right before graduation, when the news came down, one of the cadets was being kicked out.

By this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Ro...

I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.

I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors. I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey. As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter. I sat next to her and asked her why she was here. She said, "don't te...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do aliens say to each other when they see a city full of Homosapiens?

Damn, look at all those homos

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oedipus travels to the future.

When he arrives, he is amazed by the wonders he sees around him. He finds the nearest person he can. "Where am I, and what age is this?"

"Athens, 2019" the man says sarcastically.

"Athens!? This looks nothing of the city I know, and you tell me I traveled 2500 years into the future!?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter walks into a bar...

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.