Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

A Chinese journalist is interviewing a riot officer about the protests occurring in his city.

Journalist: Do you find it difficult to follow orders that may harm the people protesting?

Riot Officer: I do, some of these people are my friends and neighbors. When given such a choice, the only thing I can really do is listen to my heart.

Journalist: And what does your heart say?...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

City Redlights

I was driving around in the city when I was about to go through a green light.

I noticed that it had one of those cameras that will take a picture of your plates if you run the red and thought nothing of it.

However, when I went through the green it flashed and took a picture of me. I ...

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A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

Frustrated and on the brink he walked down to his car parked on the street

Attempting the deed in his car would be too visible to everyone around so he crawled underneath and started jerkin it

Eyes closed and confident he was finally enjoying some alone time when he heard someone walk ...

What's the difference between 9/11 and the Oklahoma City Bombings?

Once again, foreigners can do it better, cheaper, and more efficiently.

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

Which Country’s capital city has the fastest growing population.

Ireland. Everyday it’s Dublin.

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Superman is scouting the city

And on the roof of justice league, wonderwoman is laying, naked and legs spread.

Superman became very horny and thought: ' i'm superman, if i do it fast, she won't even notice it'.

So he flies down and he is already gone when wonderwoman gets up and says: 'what was that??!!'

In ...

There's a gang in my city who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join...

But enough about church, how's your day been?

Two nuns riding bicycles on tiny back roads in Vatican City...

One old and one young, they pedal down the tiny side streets admiring the scenery. The young nun sighs and says, "Wow, I've never come this way before."

The other nun goes, "Ah, yes, my dear. It's the cobblestones."

Kosovo has the cleanest capital city in the world. Whichever capital city you think of

Kosovo’s is Pristina.

A Spartan man and an Athenian man are arguing over which city is best

The Spartan man says " I think this should come down to a vote"

To which the Athenian agrees

The Spartan then says "I vote Sparta"

The Athenian says" I vote Athens"

The Spartans wife say "I vote Sparta"

The Athenian Wife says calmly"I don't get to vote"

A blonde stood on the streets of new york city with a surf board...

She just wanted to catch the highest of the heat waves!

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A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

Dubai is the best city!

Emirate?

What is the most shocking city in the world?

Electricity

Tim lost his job as a stock broker, so he decided to start a new life for himself away from the big city.

On his first day out in the country, Tim wandered into a fishing shop. The shop had a help wanted sign, so Tim asked the owner for a job.

“What do you know about fishing?” the owner asked him.

“Nothing,” Tim replied. “But I used to be a stock broker, so I am sure that I am smart enoug...

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A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

How many New York City cops does it take to crack an egg?

None. The egg tripped.

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A drunk woman, stark naked, gets into a taxi in New York City.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell...

What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live?

The writers' block.

What's the best European city to 69 in?

Nice

What is the worlds bounciest city

Springfield

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

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Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell

He suddenly sees Wonder Woman lying naked, legs apart, on top of a building. He thinks, "this is my chance!" and swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says, "What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls o...

City counsel decides not to fine restaurant owner for digging a hole in his own establishment with a pickaxe...

They say he was just mining his own business.

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France...

A man is putting salt around the city of Paris, France. A woman walks by and asks why he is spreading salt around. “Well, it keeps the elephants away!” He replied. “But there are no elephants in Paris!” The woman said. ...

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A guy who works in a big city has been feeling super stressed so he decides to ask for some time off in the countryside.

He goes to his boss and asks for 5 days off so he can relax and enjoy a countryside vacation, just him and his dog. His boss says that's ok, so he goes home, packs some stuff, puts his dog in the car and starts driving.

After a couple hours of driving he finds himself in one of those "endless...

What do you call a city full of overweight people?

Obe-city

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My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in the city.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"

"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."

"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.



Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "It will be $5...

There are reports of Civic unrest coming in from all over the city, but I’m not worried...

I drive an Accord.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

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A city boy spends the summer with his country cousins on a farm....

After a couple weeks the city boy asks his country cousins what they do for sex? The cousins explain they go down to the pig pen after dark and have their way with one of the sows (that is a female pig for you city people).
The city boy says No Way! The cousins tell him it’s really good he shoul...

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[NSFW] Three men get lost in a city.

Not knowing what else they could do, they decide to book rooms for the night at the closest hotel. They ask the receptionist for any available rooms they could rent, and the receptionist informs them that there was only one room with a queen-sized bed left for them.

The men decide that bunki...

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A pilot, a captain, and a driver were all stuck in a blimp headed straight towards a city.

The pilot, wanting to save himself from crashing, says “let me steer this blimp off course and land us safely. As a pilot, I have years of experience controlling flying vehicles. A blimp surely can’t be much different from a plane.”

The captain then butted in and said “No, let me take the whe...

A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

Rihanna is now a fan of the Kansas City Royals.

They don't beat anyone.

In protest, my friends and I are gonna march down to the city square dressed in trash that we picked up around the city...

...like litter-rally.

Which city has the highest concentration of superheros?

Capetown.

I'm not saying that the people in my city have bad teeth...

But a guy just went through the self scan checkout at Wal-Mart, smiled and the barcode scanner picked it up as an electric crockpot.

I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.

I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors. I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey. As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter. I sat next to her and asked her why she was here. She said, "don't te...

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap o...

A well-dressed city slicker breaks down on a country road...

His cellphone is dead, but a kindly farmer tells him he can use the landline in his farmhouse, a few hundred yards back from the road.

The traveller strides hurriedly across the farmer's field in advance of the farmer, but hesitates as he draws near a broad body of water, and turns back to lo...

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What do aliens say to each other when they see a city full of Homosapiens?

Damn, look at all those homos

There is a group of 3 friends out jogging around their city. 2 of the friends run into a bar.

The 3rd friend goes around it.

What’s a vampires least favorite city?

Philadelphia



It’s always sunny there

What's the Coldest city in Germany?

Brrrrrlin

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

Which city has the most people who swing both ways?

Dubai

Four strangers find themselves chatting on a bus ride away from New York City

They talk for a while about who they are and why they’re leaving the city. There’s a loud and charming man looking for a new start away from the big city, a contortionist tired of all the hustle and bustle, a quiet girl who gave no explanation on her past, and a woman pregnant with triplets trying t...

What type of horse run the city?

The mare of course.

What's the most electrifying city?

Coulombus, OH

Banned from the Holy City

Apparently, it is frowned upon to visit the Wailing Wall dressed as Captain Ahab.

There are 3 men in a plane going over a city( a little bit long )

The first man is a football player and in the middle of the flight he throws his football out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The second guy is a businessman and a few minutes after the first man he throws his suitcase out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The thi...

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A priest and a rabbi are strolling down the city together one evening when they spot a little boy wandering down an alley...

The priest says “Let’s fuck him!” The rabbi says, “Out of what?”

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A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City...

He entered the store with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Japanese man stormed out, a...

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

City Scammer

A scam artist from the city needs to lay low for a while an goes to a faraway village where nobody knows him.



He thinks to himself: "These people are probably not as smart as the city folk and I could probably get away with a few scams. It'll be easy pickings."



He goes ...

In what city do kids get iron instead of coal for Christmas?

Santa Fe

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

A city guy drives into the country and sees some ducks at pond...

He walks up to the ducks and asks them their name and what they’re up to.

The first duck says “Hi, my name is Quack and I’m just blowing bubbles.”

The man then goes to the second duck and the duck says “Hi, my name is Quack Quack and I’m just blowing bubbles.”

So, when the man g...

My son was moving to a city in Arizona. On the day before he left he told me, "I love you, Dad."

I love you Tucson.

Everyone knows that Las Vegas is Sin City. But do you know what is Den City?

p = m/V


mass/volume

I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.

I've heard it's nice.

I don't know why the villains of Gotham City can't prevent Batman.

The answer is apparent.

What city in Germany is known for the flower scenery?

Bloomberg

They just opened a new Buddhist restaurant in my city...

It's called Karma. The thing is, they don't have a menu.


Instead, you get what you deserve.

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing!?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, ...

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An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Is...

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy finds the stewardess and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
...

A blind man is walking the busy streets of the city with the help of his guide dog...

He senses himself coming closer to a busy street with cars driving left and right beeping at each other and driving fast. The dog, urges the man to walk despite the obvious sounds of ongoing traffic. He pulls his dog back, the dog walks harder urging him to walk but the man pulls him back again even...

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

A husband and wife have just moved out of the city...

...to a dairy farm at the top of a hill. One day, while on their morning walk, the husband spots their beautiful neighbor tending her garden. A gust of wind blows the neighbors dress up, exposing her rear. The husband, in complete awe and excitement, takes a deep breath and accidentally mutters to h...

I was walking around the city when i saw a man in a turban shaking his carpet on his balcony.

I shouted at him: "What's wrong, it isn't starting?"

A physicist moved from the country to the noise of the inner city...

And found the noise there insufferable. But, being a man of science he lined the walls of his apartment with broken Hoover's, Dirt Devil's, and Dyson's, because sound can't travel through a Vacuum.

Which city has the largest population?

Density.

What did the buffalo tell to his son when he was going to a faraway city?

BISON.


-This was not originally my joke.

What did the treasure hunter say when he finally found the map of the Golden City?

Atlas!

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