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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

A father and son were at the park

The son saw two dogs in top of each other. The son asked his father what they were doing and said "that's how puppys are made".

The next day at home the son walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad on top of his mum. He stops for a sec and askes what they are doing and his dad said "th...

Why do mathematicians like parks?

Because of all the natural logs

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

Three old ladies are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.

The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

A husband buys a car for his wife...

So she can run some errands while hes at work. He gets home from work and sees the car parked a couple houses down. He ask the wife:

Husband: Why is the car parked their?

Wife: I went to the grocery store and on the way back, it just stopped. Can you fix it?

Husband: What d...

I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

I want to write a rock opera about Rosa Parks; to be performed by AC/DC.

It'll be called Black in Back.

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NSFW A blonde has been out for cocktails with her friends. She drives off and is speeding down the Interstate, when she hears the wail of a siren & then sees the blue & red lights in her mirror. The police wave her down. So she takes the exit, parks and the police car pull up behind.

The cop nudges his partner and says "She's a blonde, just watch this"
He walks up to her car and indicates for her to wind down her window. She does so.

Cop: "Ma'am, any idea what speed you were doing?"

Blonde: "How would I know that?"
Cop: "The speedometer Ma'am.
Blonde: "Wh...

My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop quoting Linkin Park lyrics...

...but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

There’s too many perverts in the park nowadays.

I was sat there earlier and everyone kept staring at my erection.

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Three nuns were sitting on a bench in the park when a man walked past with his cock out ... two of them had a stroke

The third one couldn't reach

A Park Ranger is patrolling one day

When he passes what appears to be a young fisherman carrying 5 fish in a bucket.

"Excuse me sir! You can't fish here. This is a National Park and all species are protected. I am going to have to take you to the Ranger Station."

"But sir, I didn't catch these fish here. These are my pe...

What's the difference between a musician and a park bench?

A park bench can support your family.

Some Ladies used to sit in a Park every day...

Some Ladies used to sit in a Park every day. I used to observe them daily as they Talked and Laughed Loudly.

One day I observed everybody was silent. I assumed some Serious issue or Incident must have Happened.

So I went to a Lady and asked, Why is everybody Silent Today?

The L...

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I was watching Jurrasic Park and thought...

Not only does my son have a stupid ass name, but he's a terrible driver as well

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One day a father and a daughter were at a park.

The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.”
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

So 2 old guys are sitting on a park bench

The first guys turns to the other guy and says "hey I got a brand new hearing aid" the second guy replies saying "oh really? What kind is it?" the first guy says "oh it's about 3:30"

When you are 14, it's okay to meet a girl in a park

... but its not okay to park your meat in a girl.

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Three Old Men are Sitting on a Park Bench

The first one starts talking about his problems regarding his health.

"Oh my god, I can't tell you how hard it is at my age. Every morning, I wake up at 7 o'clock, I go to the restroom and I try to urinate but no matter what I do, I can't go."

The second one then chimes in:

"You...

What happens when Frogs park their vehicles illegally?

They get TOAD

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain

One of the ladies reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom.

"Helen! What in the world is that for?!" says the other lady.

"Well, just watch this" Helen says before she cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette. "This way they don't get soggy!"

The second old lady is p...

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So, there's a guy sitting on the bench in the park.

He looks frustrated and he's whispering to himself: "F\*\*k this. Shit!!."

His friends observes this and comes to him and asks: "Yoo, what happened? What's wrong?"

He turn to his friend: "Do you really wanna know? Take a sit, and I will tell you all about it."

His friend sits ne...

What did the llama say to his wife before they went to the park?

Alpaca lunch

What do you call a caveman strolling through a park?

A meanderthal.

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park a Car

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a ...

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Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father

Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father, when suddenly a bee settled on a rock, in front of them. Just for a spice, Ernie picked up a piece of wood and smashed the bee, whereupon his father said:

-"That was very cruel, Ernie. And for being cruel, you will get no honey for ...

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

My wife left me due to my obsession with Linkin Park...

She took the god damn kids.

A man was walking naked in a wildlife park.

All the animals began to run away.
A lion ran past a deer who had no idea what what was going on.

Completely confused, the deer asked: "Why the heck are we even running?"

The lion replied: "Are you kidding me? Haven't you seen that strange animal with the tail in front?"

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What did the trailer park girl say after losing her virginty?

get off dad you're crushing my smokes

I was plying Pokemon GO in the park the other day

The craze of Pokemon GO may well have died off for most people but I still love it and play all the time.


I was in my local park the other day when my absolute favourite Pokemon appeared!
It was over by a group of girls so i tried to contain my excitement so I didn't draw attentio...

A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench.

The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.



“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me, and will d...

3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park...

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...

Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?

Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.

The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...

Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?

Mom: When we took...

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.

But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake o...

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything.

The charge was impersonating a politician.

Crime in multi-storey car parks

It’s wrong on so many levels

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke

"Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Not at all, " he replied. With that my dog bit him.


I carried on and I saw a woman, I asked, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"
"Never, " she said. My dog bit her as well.


As I carried on I met another man, ...

What is it called when you reposition your car after failing to park between the lines the first time?

Autocorrect

Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don’t have to be?

Because it’s sad when a dog dies.

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My girlfriend hates that I refer to her body as an amusement park.

I hate that I always have to stand in line and wait for my turn.

Losing weight is no walk in the park..

It’s a run.

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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" [NSFW]

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench ehen a kid strolls by

Priest: Hey, we should screw that kid.

Rabbi: Out of what?

A photographer was assigned to take photographs of a national park, so he decided to take them from the sky to get the best angle.

He requested permission to rent a plane and the arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted: “Let’s go!”

The pilot swu...

This dude and his wife are walking in the park.

They see a dog sitting there, licking its balls.

The guy goes "Man I sure wish I could do that!".

Wife: "OK, but I think you should pet him first".

Does anyone know the cost to maintain Fenway Park from season to season?

I don’t need exact figures, just a ballpark estimate.

A wife is running in the park

And takes a break to stretch near two men.

As she’s stretching, a beautiful woman passes all three of them, and one guy says to the other, “lets go, that’s our pace car,” and they run off.

The wife, very perplexed, waits for her husband to come home. She tells him what she saw in the...

A lady walks into a park, and finds a man lying on a bench, with nothing but a cap over his crotch

The lady says "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your cap". The man replies " If you were any sort of a hot lady, the cap would've lifted itself"

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

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I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

I like to play chess with old men in the park

Although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?

Nothing! It’s on the house!

Me and my friend were walking in the park

Suddenly someone shouted: "Look a dead bird!"

My friend looked up at the sky and said: "Where?"

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A boy and his father are walking through the park ...

The young boy spots two dogs going at it full-bore under the shade of a spreading maple tree.

"Daddy!" he says. "What are those dogs doing?!"

The old man says, "Ah, well, that dog hurt his leg, so his buddy is gonna help him get home."

The boy shakes his head. "Man, ain't that j...

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench

One of the villagers, wearing a trench coat, comes up to them and starts talking to them about the local church fair coming up. Suddenly, without any warning, he opens his trench coat and flashes them!! Two of the nuns had a stroke.

The third couldn’t quite reach.

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”



“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”



He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for...

So I went to a park and saw a cross-bred species

The species was named a Zedonk. A half-zebra, half-donkey cross breed. They are known to be very lazy and stubborn. Whenever they manage to do anything, it is usually done half-assed.

5:06 AM - I find a dead body on the corner of Main St. and Park Ave. and notify a CSI unit.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit arrives.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit starts collecting samples at the crime scene.

5:06 AM - I notice my watch has stopped.

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A woman in the park saw a man crying on the bench.

The woman came up to him and the convo went like this.

"What's wrong? Why're you crying?" The woman asked,

"It's my 22-year-old wife, every day when I wake up she makes love to me in bed, then she gives me breakfast. And after this, I go to work. She takes care of the kids and does eve...

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park

Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"

He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."

Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.

A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he...

One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

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A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and wom...

An American, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a German are watching a juggler in a park, who asks, "Can you see me?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

Kid in park (crying): "I don't know where my mom's gone to!"

Me: "Oh no, that's terrible!"

Wife: :Talk to him."

Me: (kneeling) "Hey, kid, don't end a sentence with a preposition."

I went to park in a parking garage at a hospital the other day and the security guard stopped me and said "sir this garage is for badge holders only"

I said "I have a bad shoulder... That's why I'm here"

There was a woman sitting in the park

She was looking around and noticed these two guys with shovels. They would go to one spot, and one would dig a hole. Then the second one would fill it back in. Then they’d go to another spot, and the first guy would dig a hole and the second guy would fill it back up.

This went on for a whil...

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

Everyone keeps talking about how Rosa Parks stood up for civil rights.

I thought the whole point was that they DIDN'T stand up??

A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.”

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she sm...

Two old men are sitting on a park bench.

The first man takes a look into his friend’s ear and says, “Do you know you’ve got a suppository stuck in your ear?”



“Really?” says the first man. “I had no idea. But I guess that explains where I put my hearing aid.”

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

It is now legal to park bovines with foot coverings in motorcycle parking spaces.

They're officially labeled as Cowasockies.

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

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I went to a wildlife park and all they had was one small Chinese dog

They said it was a shit zoo, so you have to admire their honesty, really.

Went to the park yesterday to play frisbee with my dog.

Think I'm gonna need a flatter dog.

I cannot believe there's no cure for obesity yet.

I thought it would be a walk in the park.

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I call my wife's vagina Spiderman.

Cuz it's a real Peter Parker.

A Welshman an Irishman and an Englishman walk into a park,

they see a slide, but this is no ordinary slide, this slide is magic, as anything you say going down the slide is what you will land in, so the Irishman goes first "A POT OF GOLD" he yells as he slides down the slide, and he lands in a pot of gold, the Welshman next "POT OF DIAMONDS" yells just as l...

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Two economists are on a walk in the park

As they're walking, they come across a pile of dog shit. One economist says to the other, "If you eat that dog shit, I'll give you $50". The second economist thinks for a minute, then reaches down, picks up the shit, and eats it. The first economist gives him a $50 bill and they keep going on their ...

Which country has the highest number of parks?

...

North Korea and South Korea.

It's frustrating, every time I take my new dog to the park, the ducks just won't leave him alone.

I guess it's kind of my fault, I shouldn't have gotten a pure-bread dog.

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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

I was at the park and a mother asked me which kid was mine

I told her I hadn’t decided yet.

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Three old guys are sitting on a park bench,

the first says 'I remember I used to be able to see all the pretty girls go by here. . . now . . . not so much.' The second old guy says 'Yah, it's the vision, it goes, it goes -- but me, I remember being able to smell their perfume as they passed' The first old guy says back 'Yah, it's the sense of...

Wanna know why those baboons are always drinking in the park?

It’s the only place with monkey bars.

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An elderly man stopped my eight year old in the park.

An elderly man stopped my 8 year old at the park. He had been watching him play and pulled him aside to question him.

He said, "I can't believe what you're doing! You're running around, eating candy bars with filthy hands, and then jumping off the monkey bars, you are gonna get seriously inj...

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A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...

Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.

"What's matter?"

"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.

"Um, ah ok, but"

"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.

"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"

"She cleans the ...

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