This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was watching Jurassic park the other day,

when I thought, “Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he’s also a shit driver”.

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" [NSFW]

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

I asked Linkin Park why don't they perform in India. They said...

Indian it doesn't even matter.

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl and her mom are walking through the park

As they reach the middle of the park the little girl looks over and she sees two people off to the side having sex, she turns to her mother and asks "Mommy what are they doing?" Her mother didn't want to explain sex to her at such a young age so thinking off the top of her head she quickly responds ...

A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.”

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she sm...

3 old ladies were at the park sitting on a bench...

A man wearing a trench coat walks up to them, opens the coat and flashes them with his naked body.

The first old lady has a stroke. The second old lady has a stroke. The third old lady can't reach.

My girlfriend is breaking up with me because I keep making terrible Linkin Park jokes,

What I’ve done

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three old guys are sitting on a park bench,

the first says 'I remember I used to be able to see all the pretty girls go by here. . . now . . . not so much.' The second old guy says 'Yah, it's the vision, it goes, it goes -- but me, I remember being able to smell their perfume as they passed' The first old guy says back 'Yah, it's the sense of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Husband and his Wife were out walking in the park.

While walking a Man comes up from behind them, pulls a gun on them, grabs the Wife and forces the Husband back. The Man tells the Husband to draw a circle around himself and tells him that if he steps out of that circle his wife will be shot. The Man turns, then proceeds to assault the wife. While t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a wildlife park and all they had was one small Chinese dog

They said it was a shit zoo, so you have to admire their honesty, really.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly man stopped my eight year old in the park.

An elderly man stopped my 8 year old at the park. He had been watching him play and pulled him aside to question him.

He said, "I can't believe what you're doing! You're running around, eating candy bars with filthy hands, and then jumping off the monkey bars, you are gonna get seriously inj...

One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

You can make all the Linkin Park jokes you want...

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I call my wife's vagina Spiderman.

Cuz it's a real Peter Parker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two economists are on a walk in the park

As they're walking, they come across a pile of dog shit. One economist says to the other, "If you eat that dog shit, I'll give you $50". The second economist thinks for a minute, then reaches down, picks up the shit, and eats it. The first economist gives him a $50 bill and they keep going on their ...

Which country has the highest number of parks?

...

North Korea and South Korea.

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

My trailer park party went off without a hitch

No one showed up

A guy is sitting on a park bench...

... when he notices something odd about two workmen by the side of the path. The first workman would dig a hole, then the second workman would fill the hole, and the pair would move along a few feet and repeat the process. He is intrigued and watches them a for few minutes, digging and filling hole...

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years o...

A Welshman an Irishman and an Englishman walk into a park,

they see a slide, but this is no ordinary slide, this slide is magic, as anything you say going down the slide is what you will land in, so the Irishman goes first "A POT OF GOLD" he yells as he slides down the slide, and he lands in a pot of gold, the Welshman next "POT OF DIAMONDS" yells just as l...

A man was looking for a space to park his car in the parking lot of a mall...

After a lot of effort of going round and round he couldn't find an empty space so he started praying, please God help me find a parking space, I will go to church everyday for the rest of my life and would even give half of my life savings to charity..

Suddenly he sees a car pulling out of a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw a dog in the park this morning that was a cross between a cockerpoo and a labradoodle.

A cocker doodle poo, if you will.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old men were sitting at the park, just Watching people stroll by.

“Ralph,” one says “how long have we been sitting here?”

“‘Round about 40 minutes, Fred, why?”

“I think that’s the same guy we saw yesterday, selling those buttons.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right. Think those people realize it’s a scam?”

“Probably not,” Fred said, raising h...

3 old ladies are in a park

Three elderly grey ladies are sitting on a bench feeding birds in the park. Suddenly, a man runs in front of them and whips open his trench coat, to reveal he's wearing nothing underneath!

Astonished at the exposure the first Lady has a stroke. The second Lady has a stroke.

And
...

A little boy is crying on a bench in the park.

A passer-by stops and asks him why he is crying.
The boy says: “My mom gave me a dollar to get something from the shop but I lost it, and I’m afraid to go home now!”

The passer-by decides to make the kid’s day and gives him a dollar - but the kid only starts crying louder...
“Why are yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

What happens when a frog parks his car in a no-parking zone?

It gets toad away.

South Park Originally Took Place in Ireland

Kilkenny to be exact.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were walking through a park...

They passed three women sitting on a bench each eating a banana. All three women greeted Sherlock Holmes "Good afternoon Mr. Holmes." and Sherlock acknowledged each woman with a nod and a smile.

When they were some distance away, Dr. Watson turned to him and asked "Sherlock do you know thos...

My ex left me because I listen to Linkin Park, took me a year to realize.

In the end, it doesn't even matter.

I was excited, I had heard there was a murder in a park down the street.

Imagine my disappointment when only thing there were a bunch of crows.




Edit: You know...because a group of crows is a murder...buddum tiss. My first original joke on here and is not going so well.

I was at the park and a mother asked me which kid was mine

I told her I hadn’t decided yet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bum in the park (kinda long)

A bum lived in a park on a bench. When he was walking around one day he found 5 dollars. He said to himself, hot damn I'm getting drunk tonight. Ran to the closest liquor store put the 5 on the table and told the man, give me your cheapest bottle of wine. He proceeded to drink it down, made his way ...

I cannot believe there's no cure for obesity yet.

I thought it would be a walk in the park.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...

Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.

"What's matter?"

"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.

"Um, ah ok, but"

"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.

"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"

"She cleans the ...

Where did King Arthur park his camel?

In the Camel Lot

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

A man and a woman were walking in a park

They started arguing about whether it was raining or not. To settle the debate, they decided to ask a communist named Rudolph sitting near by. Upon asking, Rudolph told them that it was raining. "See I told you", the husband says."Rudolph the red knows rain,dear"

As I am walking through the park and the police is stopping me asking "Does your dog chase the people on a bicycle?"

-??? My dog does not even have a bicycle

*in the park*

Stranger: your dog is kind of unusual looking

Me: haha yeah he’s interbred

Duck: \*waddles up\* I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Old couple walking around the park... - Honey, tell me how much do you love me.

\- Do you see all those clouds in the sky?
\- While yes, of course.

\- Let's go home, cuz it's going to rain.

Me and a friend were walking in the park

He pulled out his phone and started texting. I told him “Man, your looking a bit down.”

He responded “No I’m not!”

Then he walked into a branch

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was walking in a park when a young lady approached him.

She exclaimed, "I know you — you're the father of one of my kids!" The gears started turning as the man tried to recollect where he met her, "Oh are you that chick I fucked in Atlanta City in that orgy in that seedy hotel while I was on a business trip? I think you were the one that kept asking to b...

I like to play chess with old bald men in the park

But it’s kind of hard to find 32 of them.

Three old men sitting on a park bench...

The first one says "Windy isn't it?"

The second says "Nope. Thursd'y"

The third says "Me too- let's go for a pint."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck is in his trailer park bragging to his friends about his recent trip to New York.

He says, "I was walkin' down the street, and saw this place called a sex shop. I was curious so I went in and the place was loaded with rubber women!"

One of the redneck women speaks up. "Did they have rubber dudes?"

The country bumpkin thinks for a moment, then says "Ya know, I ain't ...

A man is having a walk in a park and sees a woman from behind.

The woman has a miraculous booty.

So the man decides to follow the woman just so he can look more on her fine ass.

After 20 min the woman notices the man and turns around.

"Why are you following me", she asks the man.

The man looks at her and replies: "Now...

What is South Park's creator, Matt Stone, favorite drink?

An ice cold KilKenny

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.

"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"

"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"

I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"HOLY SHIT, They do tal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Imagine if they made an amusement park called Sex Flags

It would be a fucking roller-coaster

I was walking in the park the other day, when

I suddenly saw the girl of my dreams. Our eyes locked, there was a spark between us and she instantly went weak at the knees and fell before me.

As we lay on the grass making love, I thought to myself. These stun guns are well worth the money.

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The other day I went for a jog in the park and began my routine of running laps around the pond.

On my first lap I noticed a girl in a wheelchair crying. I approached her and asked why she was crying. She told me "I'm crying because I've never been hugged!" Feeling sympathetic, I hugged her and she said "Thank you! I feel so much better!" as her tears subsided.

I continued jogging and as...

I was walking through the park and seen two blondes

I was walking through the park and seen two blondes. One was digging a hole and the other was filling it in. I asked what was going on and they said there's usually three of us but the one who plants the tree in on the sick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is it dangerous to walk in a dog park at night?

Because you can’t see shit.

A husband and his wife walking in the park

and noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.


"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.


"Honey," replied the husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

I was walking my two dogs in the park yesterday

A man approached me and asked “are they jack russels?”

I said “nah they’re mine”

I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...

"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"

Crime in multi-storey car parks?

Thats wrong on so many different levels.

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

A man walks into a bar, and...

...asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says, "Sure, but only if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says, "A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says, 'Sure, but only if you can tell me a meta joke.' So the guy says, 'A man wal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having sex right then and there!

Gosh I love my new taser

A man was walking through the park..

As he is walking down the trail, he notices a tennis ball in the grass. He looks around, doesn't see anybody it might belong to, so he picks it up and puts it in his pocket to take home, thinking the neighbor's dog might enjoy it. After leaving the park to walk home, he comes to a crosswalk. While w...

An old man is sitting on a park bench

Next to him is a large salt shaker and a bag filled with a bunch of bananas. Periodically the old man takes out a banana, carefully peals it, salts it with the shaker, grimaces, then throws it away in a nearby trashcan.

A woman observes him do this with several bananas and after a while final...

What's the difference between an art student and a park bench?

A bench can support a family.

I got in a fight with a guy at the park because he was hogging the playground equipment.

He took a swing.

Its nice to meet girls in the park

But its better to park meat in girls

An old man is on the park walking

When he sees an elderly lady on a bench. He decides to take a chance and sits down and introduces himself. After some small talk, the man tells her he is a widower. She acts surprised and says she is as well. Four times over.

" all four husbands died while with you? How horrible, how did they...

There have been no major protests against former Park Geun-hye's imprisonment.

No Free Park-ing in South Korea.

Sat on a park bench wondering why a frisbee appears larger and larger the closer it gets..

Then it hit me

A priest and a rabbi are walking through the park

when they see a group of kids on the playground.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says menacingly “Hey, should we go screw those kids?”

The rabbi looks at him quizzically and asks, “out of what?”

I was sitting at a park one day just watching the children play.

A mother came up to me and said, "So, which one is yours?"

I looked over the playground and said, "You know, I haven't decided yet."

I asked my friend if she wanted to do yoga in the park?

"In this heat?" She said, "Namaste at home"

I took my son the park to play when we stumbled across two dogs mating.....

My son being the adorable curious little guy he is stopped stared and asked me

“what are them doggies doing daddy?”

Now me being a modern father wanted to enlighten my boy with real world facts and information....... however also being an easily embarrassed stumbling fool of a man I bl...

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.

It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

3 dogs met at the park

The Husky mentioned that God has blessed Huskies as the superior breed.

The Rottweiler snapped quickly and replied that God said Rottweilers are the absolute best!

The German Sheppard turned and asked, “ I said what ?”

An Irishmen is frantically looking for a car park...

He's running late for his work meeting and is looking for a park in a busy carpark. He looks at the heavens and says
"Father, I know I've been a bad catholic, but please just grant me a bloody car park and I'll do right by You again, I'll be a better man, and more importantly I'll be a better Chr...

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

A stranger came up to me in the park and said “what a lovely dog you have...”

“Thanks! He’s interbred” I said

Then a duck walked up beside us and said “do you know who else is interbred?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my consent

When i found out, i was fluming!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Walking in park] Date: "Impress me" Me: "I can talk to animals" Date: "Prove it"

Me [to duck]: "Hello you fucking duck"

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

What do you do when you find a space man?

You park your car man!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] What’s the most ironic amusement park ride?

The ferrous wheel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting on his favorite bench in the park, watching kids play and couples stroll by hand in hand, all in all a nice morning.

After a while, he notices two men in the distance, each carrying a shovel. The first one digs a big hole, goes six feet forward, and digs the next. The second one waits about two minutes, and fills the holes again behind his buddy.

This goes on until they have dug and filled ten holes, after ...

Some idiot attacked me at the local park tonight with a bat...

I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old men were sitting at the park one day [NSFW]

One says to the other, "Oh, god, I'm so OLD! You won't even believe how old I am."

The other responds, "Oh, I think I can."

"You have no idea. I'm so old. You don't even know how old I am."

"Ok, stand up and I'll tell you how old you are."

First man stands up. Second man ...

A man was peeing in the park

A man was peeing in the park and then a policeman came by.

"Please stop what you're doing and put it back in your pants" he said.

The scared man hid his dong and went back to his friends.

"Oh man, I've tricked that policeman." said the man "I've put it back in my pants but I hav...

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

Two blondes were walking through the park digging holes and filling them up again.

One of them would dig the holes, and the other would fill them up. One man couldn't control his curiosity and asked the blondes why they were digging and filling holes pointlessly, to which one replied:

"Well, there was supposed to be another one of us planting saplings before we fill the hol...

I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier today...

He was on crack, she was on blow...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was walking in the park when he notices an elderly man weeping on a park bench.

A guy was walking in the park when he notices an elderly man weeping on a park bench.

He walks up to him and asks “What’s the matter old timer?”

He says “Well I’ve just been married about three months now... she’s a young and beautiful little thing... 28 years old... she loves me. I g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is on a walk with his dog at the park

Suddenly, his dog runs towards a glowing object on the floor. Before the man can stop him, the dog has swallowed the object. A flash of blinding white light temporarily blinds the man, and when he looks back he is amazed to see his dog say "Hello!" to him.

"You can talk?" the man asks.
...

Two blondes are walking in the park and come up on a set of tracks

One blonde says "I think these are bear tracks", the other blonde argues they are deer tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A man is walking in Central park in New York....

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.

He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: - "You are a hero, tomo...

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won!

No one's a match for me and my kettle...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his son are walking through the park NSFW

They see two dogs having sex. "What are they doing?" asked the kid. Not wanting to lie the father says "They are making puppies." Later that night the son walks into the bedroom where his parents are having sex. The son asks "what are you doing?". Not wanting to lie the dad says "making babies." The...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking his son through the park...

... when his son notices two teenagers having sex on a bench.

He says "Dad, what are those two doing?"

The dad turns his head in the direction of the teenagers and stutters "They're, umm, making cakes".

The son seems satisfied with this answer and they continue walking in a diff...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two statues, a man and woman, had stood watch in a park for along time.

One day, an angel came down and told the statues, "You two have stood watch in this park for so long and have been such exemplary statues, as a reward, I will snap my fingers, and you two will come to life for 30 minutes." The angel snapped his fingers, and the two statues blinked to life.

"...

2 nearly deaf old men sitting on a park bench.

When one says to the other. Boy sure is windy! No it's not it's Thursday! Yeah me too. Lets go get a beer.

What would "Jurassic Park" be called if it was filmed during WW2?

Jewrassic Park.

Met a girl at the park

My VATS said I had a 0% chance to hit that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gang of stray dogs is hanging out together in the local dog park...

A rottweiler, a great dane, a labrador and of course a tiny chihuahua just glad to be accepted by such high company. They're discussing the sorts of things male dogs discuss when a babelicious poodle struts herself on up. A real high breed, classy bitch.
"Hello boys," She greets, "I tell you w...

An elderly gentleman sits on a park bench.

On the opposite bench sits a young punk. With his multi\-colored mohawk and facial tattoos, he presents quite a spectacle for the older man, who can't help but to stare incredulously. Finally, the young punk has had enough of the elderly man's staring.

"What's your problem, old man?" yells t...

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are sitting together and talking in a park when Jesus walks by.

The priest asks Him, "Are you really Jesus Christ?" He replies, "Yes, I am. How can I help you?" The priest says, "Well, Lord, I was involved in a very bad car accident a few years ago. Ever since then, I've been in severe pain. I can't stand up straight, and I'm unable to walk without this cane. Ca...

A man was arrested this evening in the park for pubic indecency in front a bronze figure of a young girl.

He was reportedly charged with statutory rape.