At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.

One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

What happens when Frogs park their vehicles illegally?

They get TOAD

Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park a Car

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a ...

I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

I was surprised to find that "Trailer Park Barbie" doesn't come with bruising on her body

Then I realized battery not included

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A little girl and her Mother were walking in a park...

There was a little girl and her mother walking in the park one day and they saw two teenager having sex on a bench.

​

the little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" the mother hesitates then quickly replies " Ummm... they are making cakes. Now come on, we'll go to the Zoo...

Crime in multi-storey car parks

It’s wrong on so many levels

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

What is it called when you reposition your car after failing to park between the lines the first time?

Autocorrect

I was plying Pokemon GO in the park the other day

The craze of Pokemon GO may well have died off for most people but I still love it and play all the time.


I was in my local park the other day when my absolute favourite Pokemon appeared!
It was over by a group of girls so i tried to contain my excitement so I didn't draw attentio...

I was watching Jurassic Park yesterday when I thought.....

"not only does my son have a stupid name, he's also a terrible driver".

A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench.

The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears.

​

“Kid,” the old man says, “I’m ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything for me—she cooks my meals, washes my clothes, shops for me...

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.

But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake o...

This dude and his wife are walking in the park.

They see a dog sitting there, licking its balls.

The guy goes "Man I sure wish I could do that!".

Wife: "OK, but I think you should pet him first".

3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park...

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...

Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?

Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.

The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...

Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?

Mom: When we took...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting on a park bench ehen a kid strolls by

Priest: Hey, we should screw that kid.

Rabbi: Out of what?

A lady walks into a park, and finds a man lying on a bench, with nothing but a cap over his crotch

The lady says "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your cap". The man replies " If you were any sort of a hot lady, the cap would've lifted itself"

A photographer was assigned to take photographs of a national park, so he decided to take them from the sky to get the best angle.

He requested permission to rent a plane and the arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted: “Let’s go!”

The pilot swu...

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My girlfriend hates that I refer to her body as an amusement park.

I hate that I always have to stand in line and wait for my turn.

Does anyone know the cost to maintain Fenway Park from season to season?

I don’t need exact figures, just a ballpark estimate.

Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don’t have to be?

Because it’s sad when a dog dies.

My girlfriend left me because I keep making Linkin Park references

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

A wife is running in the park

And takes a break to stretch near two men.

As she’s stretching, a beautiful woman passes all three of them, and one guy says to the other, “lets go, that’s our pace car,” and they run off.

The wife, very perplexed, waits for her husband to come home. She tells him what she saw in the...

As I was walking through the park I seen a man feeding the birds..

After I wandered by I did wonder how long he'd been dead.

Losing weight is no walk in the park..

It’s a run.

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench

A streaker runs up to them, opens his jacket and flashes them.

The first old lady had a stroke and fainted.
The second old lady had a stroke and collapsed.
The third old lady tried to have a stroke but couldn’t reach.

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A boy and his father are walking through the park ...

The young boy spots two dogs going at it full-bore under the shade of a spreading maple tree.

"Daddy!" he says. "What are those dogs doing?!"

The old man says, "Ah, well, that dog hurt his leg, so his buddy is gonna help him get home."

The boy shakes his head. "Man, ain't that j...

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench

One of the villagers, wearing a trench coat, comes up to them and starts talking to them about the local church fair coming up. Suddenly, without any warning, he opens his trench coat and flashes them!! Two of the nuns had a stroke.

The third couldn’t quite reach.

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"

"Not at all, " he replied. With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman,


I asked, "Would you support another Brexit referendum?"

"Never, " she said. My dog bit her as well.
As I carried on I met another man,


" Would you support another Brexit referend...

Me and my friend were walking in the park

Suddenly someone shouted: "Look a dead bird!"

My friend looked up at the sky and said: "Where?"

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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" [NSFW]

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

I like to play chess with old men in the park

Although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

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I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

It's nice to meet a girl in a park

But it's also nice to park meat in a girl

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?

Nothing! It’s on the house!

An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

​

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

​

He hands her a set of te...

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Two old guys are sitting in a park and talking

The first guy says: "You know, I went to a brothel the other day"

"Oh yeah? And what happened?"

"I banged for two hours!"

"Two hours?! At your age?!"

"Yeah, and those whores still wouldn't let me in"

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How do you call a ride in an amusement park prohibited for pigs?

A roller kosher

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A woman in the park saw a man crying on the bench.

The woman came up to him and the convo went like this.

"What's wrong? Why're you crying?" The woman asked,

"It's my 22-year-old wife, every day when I wake up she makes love to me in bed, then she gives me breakfast. And after this, I go to work. She takes care of the kids and does eve...

5:06 AM - I find a dead body on the corner of Main St. and Park Ave. and notify a CSI unit.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit arrives.

5:06 AM - The CSI unit starts collecting samples at the crime scene.

5:06 AM - I notice my watch has stopped.

Kid in park (crying): "I don't know where my mom's gone to!"

Me: "Oh no, that's terrible!"

Wife: :Talk to him."

Me: (kneeling) "Hey, kid, don't end a sentence with a preposition."

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

An American, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a German are watching a juggler in a park, who asks, "Can you see me?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

There was a woman sitting in the park

She was looking around and noticed these two guys with shovels. They would go to one spot, and one would dig a hole. Then the second one would fill it back in. Then they’d go to another spot, and the first guy would dig a hole and the second guy would fill it back up.

This went on for a whil...

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A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and wom...

A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park

Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"

He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."

Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.

A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he...

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

Two old men are sitting on a park bench.

The first man takes a look into his friend’s ear and says, “Do you know you’ve got a suppository stuck in your ear?”

​

“Really?” says the first man. “I had no idea. But I guess that explains where I put my hearing aid.”

Everyone keeps talking about how Rosa Parks stood up for civil rights.

I thought the whole point was that they DIDN'T stand up??

Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies.

“Every morning, I get up at 6 a.m.,” the first man explains, “and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out.” The second man adds, “I get up at 6 A.M. too, and it feels like I’ve got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens.”

​

The third ma...

One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

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A Husband and his Wife were out walking in the park.

While walking a Man comes up from behind them, pulls a gun on them, grabs the Wife and forces the Husband back. The Man tells the Husband to draw a circle around himself and tells him that if he steps out of that circle his wife will be shot. The Man turns, then proceeds to assault the wife. While t...

It is now legal to park bovines with foot coverings in motorcycle parking spaces.

They're officially labeled as Cowasockies.

A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.”

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she sm...

It's frustrating, every time I take my new dog to the park, the ducks just won't leave him alone.

I guess it's kind of my fault, I shouldn't have gotten a pure-bread dog.

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

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I call my wife's vagina Spiderman.

Cuz it's a real Peter Parker.

Wanna know why those baboons are always drinking in the park?

It’s the only place with monkey bars.

I cannot believe there's no cure for obesity yet.

I thought it would be a walk in the park.

A Welshman an Irishman and an Englishman walk into a park,

they see a slide, but this is no ordinary slide, this slide is magic, as anything you say going down the slide is what you will land in, so the Irishman goes first "A POT OF GOLD" he yells as he slides down the slide, and he lands in a pot of gold, the Welshman next "POT OF DIAMONDS" yells just as l...

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Three old guys are sitting on a park bench,

the first says 'I remember I used to be able to see all the pretty girls go by here. . . now . . . not so much.' The second old guy says 'Yah, it's the vision, it goes, it goes -- but me, I remember being able to smell their perfume as they passed' The first old guy says back 'Yah, it's the sense of...

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I went to a wildlife park and all they had was one small Chinese dog

They said it was a shit zoo, so you have to admire their honesty, really.

Went to the park yesterday to play frisbee with my dog.

Think I'm gonna need a flatter dog.

Which country has the highest number of parks?

...

North Korea and South Korea.

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A little girl and her mom are walking through the park

As they reach the middle of the park the little girl looks over and she sees two people off to the side having sex, she turns to her mother and asks "Mommy what are they doing?" Her mother didn't want to explain sex to her at such a young age so thinking off the top of her head she quickly responds ...

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Two economists are on a walk in the park

As they're walking, they come across a pile of dog shit. One economist says to the other, "If you eat that dog shit, I'll give you $50". The second economist thinks for a minute, then reaches down, picks up the shit, and eats it. The first economist gives him a $50 bill and they keep going on their ...

My trailer park party went off without a hitch

No one showed up

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A 1st grade teacher brings his class out for a science field trip to the local park

At the park, one of the kids screams "oh look! There's a big doggy poo poo here!"

The teacher requests that the class gather around and explains

"Look kids, I just taught you about our five senses haven't I?

Don't just rely on one of your senses to observe the world. We have fiv...

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Two old men were sitting at the park, just Watching people stroll by.

“Ralph,” one says “how long have we been sitting here?”

“‘Round about 40 minutes, Fred, why?”

“I think that’s the same guy we saw yesterday, selling those buttons.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right. Think those people realize it’s a scam?”

“Probably not,” Fred said, raising h...

A guy is sitting on a park bench...

... when he notices something odd about two workmen by the side of the path. The first workman would dig a hole, then the second workman would fill the hole, and the pair would move along a few feet and repeat the process. He is intrigued and watches them a for few minutes, digging and filling hole...

A lawyer parks his brand new BMW on the curb and opens the door as a car drives by and smashes through the door.

The lawyer quickly spots a police officer across the street and shouts: «Officer, officer, did you see what just happened? That car smashed off the door on my brand new BMW!» «Oh, my god,» replies the officer. «You lawyers are so materialistic. You stand there whining about your car and you haven’t ...

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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning and as we were leaving the trailer park, somebody shouted, "You're an irresponsible father!"

I shot back, “Who the fuck said that?! Stop the car, son!"

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An elderly man stopped my eight year old in the park.

An elderly man stopped my 8 year old at the park. He had been watching him play and pulled him aside to question him.

He said, "I can't believe what you're doing! You're running around, eating candy bars with filthy hands, and then jumping off the monkey bars, you are gonna get seriously inj...

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What do you get when you cross social media, a band, and an amusement park?

LinkedInPark

I was at the park and a mother asked me which kid was mine

I told her I hadn’t decided yet.

What happens when a frog parks his car in a no-parking zone?

It gets toad away.

South Park Originally Took Place in Ireland

Kilkenny to be exact.

A man was looking for a space to park his car in the parking lot of a mall...

After a lot of effort of going round and round he couldn't find an empty space so he started praying, please God help me find a parking space, I will go to church everyday for the rest of my life and would even give half of my life savings to charity..

Suddenly he sees a car pulling out of a ...

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Saw a dog in the park this morning that was a cross between a cockerpoo and a labradoodle.

A cocker doodle poo, if you will.

3 old ladies are in a park

Three elderly grey ladies are sitting on a bench feeding birds in the park. Suddenly, a man runs in front of them and whips open his trench coat, to reveal he's wearing nothing underneath!

Astonished at the exposure the first Lady has a stroke. The second Lady has a stroke.

And
...

A little boy is crying on a bench in the park.

A passer-by stops and asks him why he is crying.
The boy says: “My mom gave me a dollar to get something from the shop but I lost it, and I’m afraid to go home now!”

The passer-by decides to make the kid’s day and gives him a dollar - but the kid only starts crying louder...
“Why are yo...

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A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...

Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.

"What's matter?"

"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.

"Um, ah ok, but"

"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.

"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"

"She cleans the ...

Robbery in multi story car park

Now that's crime on a whole other level

A man is having a walk in a park and sees a woman from behind.

The woman has a miraculous booty.

So the man decides to follow the woman just so he can look more on her fine ass.

After 20 min the woman notices the man and turns around.

"Why are you following me", she asks the man.

The man looks at her and replies: "Now...

I was excited, I had heard there was a murder in a park down the street.

Imagine my disappointment when only thing there were a bunch of crows.




Edit: You know...because a group of crows is a murder...buddum tiss. My first original joke on here and is not going so well.

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

Where did King Arthur park his camel?

In the Camel Lot

*in the park*

Stranger: your dog is kind of unusual looking

Me: haha yeah he’s interbred

Duck: \*waddles up\* I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Three old men sitting on a park bench...

The first one says "Windy isn't it?"

The second says "Nope. Thursd'y"

The third says "Me too- let's go for a pint."

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Bum in the park (kinda long)

A bum lived in a park on a bench. When he was walking around one day he found 5 dollars. He said to himself, hot damn I'm getting drunk tonight. Ran to the closest liquor store put the 5 on the table and told the man, give me your cheapest bottle of wine. He proceeded to drink it down, made his way ...

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were walking through a park...

They passed three women sitting on a bench each eating a banana. All three women greeted Sherlock Holmes "Good afternoon Mr. Holmes." and Sherlock acknowledged each woman with a nod and a smile.

When they were some distance away, Dr. Watson turned to him and asked "Sherlock do you know thos...

A man and a woman were walking in a park

They started arguing about whether it was raining or not. To settle the debate, they decided to ask a communist named Rudolph sitting near by. Upon asking, Rudolph told them that it was raining. "See I told you", the husband says."Rudolph the red knows rain,dear"

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

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I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.

"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"

"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"

I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"HOLY SHIT, They do tal...

Old couple walking around the park... - Honey, tell me how much do you love me.

\- Do you see all those clouds in the sky?
\- While yes, of course.

\- Let's go home, cuz it's going to rain.

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I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having sex right then and there!

Gosh I love my new taser

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So a little girl and her mother are walking in the park...

So a little girl and her mother are walking in the park when they see two dogs having sex. The little girl turns to her mother and says “mommy, what are they doing?” Hastily the mother says “they’re baking cakes dear, don’t watch them.” Later on in the day the little girl and her mother are heading...

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A man was walking in a park when a young lady approached him.

She exclaimed, "I know you — you're the father of one of my kids!" The gears started turning as the man tried to recollect where he met her, "Oh are you that chick I fucked in Atlanta City in that orgy in that seedy hotel while I was on a business trip? I think you were the one that kept asking to b...

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