In a bar. What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?

"A beer please, and one for the road."

After taking his asphalt to the bar and asking for one beer for him, and one for the road, the bartender refuses the man's offer.

'I won't serve him!' He says, 'he's a cyclepath!'

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm

''two beers, '' he says ''one for me, and one for the road.''

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A VDOT worker walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt.

(VDOT is Virginia Department of Transportation)
He walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt, and sits down with the asphalt on the table. The bartender looks awfully strange and say, "Can I help you sir?" The VDOT worker says "Yes, a beer for me, and one for the road."

Did you hear about the rapper that had an asphalt fetish?

He came from the streets.

Did you know that there are multiple types of roads that can fart?

Though most people assume that it's asphalt.

What is big, black, and frequently walked all over?

Asphalt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Glaswegian joke that can be applied anywhere.

Three pieces of tarmac (asphalt for Americans) are in the pub at the end of the day.
One says, "I'm on the Great Western Road. You wouldn't believe what I have to go through every day! Cars, endless traffic, congestion, it'll make you pure mental!"
The next one says, "You think you're in a bad...

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What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street?

You need to cul de sac.

A man walks into a bar while carrying a chunk of asphalt under his arm....

he says, "Hey! Bartender! Two beers please." The bartender looks at him with a confused look and asked, "Why two? Are you waiting on someone?" The man responds, "Nah, I need for me and one for the road."

I live near Hell, Michigan. Driving home today, we went past a sign pointing down a road that leads to Hell.

My dad pointed to it and said, “That road goes to Hell. Know how you can tell? This is asphalt and that’s good intentions.”

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

....turns out it was his dumb asphalt.

We just flew into Atlanta, and the landing was HORRIBLE.

After the overhead bins quit popping open and the bouncing stopped and the dust settled, the flight attendant got on the intercom and explained.

“I just want to apologize for that terrible landing, but keep in mind that it wasn’t the pilot’s fault. And it wasn’t the airplane’s fault. It was ...

I screwed up paving my private road

It's my own dumb asphalt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blonde pilots...

On their first commercial flight together two blonde pilots, best friends for years, are finally flying together after years of being co-pilots for more experienced captains. The cockpit was finally *theirs*.

The flight goes very smoothly and they congratulate each other as they are coming in...

My friend uses concrete and asphalt interchangeably

He says it's just a matter of cementics

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the man go to prison for humping a road?

Sexual Asphalt Charges.

What do you call a gun made fully from concrete?

An asphalt rifle

Solid joke right?

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When your ass is to blame...

asphalt.

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

What did the road inspector tell the road builder...

When he built the roadway wrong?

It's not my asphalt, it's your asphalt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a trench coat walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building...

He sits at the bar and he orders a double, followed by another, and then another...

Across the bar he notices two gentlemen arguing back and forth about which one of them is the "bravest"...

The man in the trench coat finishes his third drink and sloshes his way over to the two argui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A banker's son, an investor's son and a farmer's son were going to prom.

But the day before the prom, the principal made it a requirement for all students to arrive in limousines.

As the banker's son entered through the school gates in a Mercedes Maybach, the engine roared, and all the girls cheered.

"Nice limousine." Said the school security guard.

...

My 5 year old farted last night, and I said “ewww, you farted!”

He said “it was the asphalt, Dad”!

True story.

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs...

A donkey and his farmer were hauling some corn on an old road

when a wheel broke, cracking the road underneath. The township sued the farmer for road repairs, but a judge dismissed the case stating "it's not the ass's fault asphalt has faults"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Anybody who bothered to look could have seen the signs. Speed had done it's work on the road and it was starting to crack up - didn't know if it was coming or going. The chicken knew that. The chicken knew that road had always been a little slippery. Sure it started out with bright, clear lines and ...

The Church Bell

This church just lost there bell ringer and needed someone to ring the bell for them. They were holding auditions when a man with no arms came up to them and asked about the job. The priest asked the man " How are you going to ring the bell without any arms?" to which the man replied with " Like thi...

If you fall outta your car in your driveway,

it's your own asphalt.

A woman was killed after walking in front of a street paver.

It was her own dumb asphalt.

Old man enters a bar and starts knocking back vodka shots, one after the other, until his lights slowly start to dim.

The bartender, who was also a friend, tells him to take it easy, go home, that he's had enough. Refusing, he goes on until eventually the friend convinced him.

'I'm going home!'

As expected, as soon as he leaves from the bartop, he falls flat on his face, eventually dragging himself hi...

What's the road construction worker's equivalent of a plumbers crack?

An asphalt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Girls and The Back Door

A young man was curious as to what girls thought about sex in the "back-door". So, out of curiosity and a lack of shame, he decides to ask three different girls if they would like to try it in the "back door".

The first girl he asked was American, and when asked about her opinion she punched ...

Satan was severely depressed.

Fewer and fewer souls each new year were coming to hell and it was soon becoming quite empty. So Satan hired an analyst to find out what was going wrong. The analyst traveled all over hell, interviewed lesser demons, and surveyed the experiences of tortured souls, taking notes here and there. A week...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy named Dave is at a swanky bar...

So this guy named Dave is at a swanky bar. It's at the top of a 60 floor building. Dave's drinking alone at the bar when the elevator opens. This guy gets off the elevator, orders 6 beers, slams them, walks over to the ledge, and jumps off. Dave sits stock still in shock until he hears the elevator ...

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