A man holding a slab of asphalt walked into a bar

He said "I'll take two beers, one for me and one for the road"

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.

The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall

But it was his dumb asphalt

My friend uses concrete and asphalt interchangeably

He says it's just a matter of cementics

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What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street?

You need to cul de sac.

What do you call a gun made fully from concrete?

An asphalt rifle

Solid joke right?

A man walks into a bar while carrying a chunk of asphalt under his arm....

he says, "Hey! Bartender! Two beers please." The bartender looks at him with a confused look and asked, "Why two? Are you waiting on someone?" The man responds, "Nah, I need for me and one for the road."

Asphalt...

It's the word on the streets

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Two pieces of asphalt tumble into a bar,

a black one and a gray one. They're both pretty well-worn. The black one has some rubber across his face and a corner torn out; the gray one is practically held together with road tar. They strut up to the bar trash-talking one another and the black one interrupts to order a stout. The gray one sho...

Tough roads

A dual carriageway and a motorway are in a bar and they're having an argument over which one of them is the toughest. "I'm the toughest!" yells the dual carriageway. "No you're not, I'm the biggest and fastest!" the motorway shouts back.

After a few back and forth retorts a piece of red aspha...

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A couple of homies were walking through the hood

As they were walking down the road, one of the dudes saw a super sexy, curvy girl walking the opposite direction across the street. He kept walking but turned his head to continue checking her out. A few moments later he tripped on a bump in the road and slammed his face into the pavement. His homie...

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One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax.

On his way to the lake he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop.

Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?”

With a smile on his fa...

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Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

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When your ass is to blame...

asphalt.

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Why did the man go to prison for humping a road?

Sexual Asphalt Charges.

What did the road inspector tell the road builder...

When he built the roadway wrong?

It's not my asphalt, it's your asphalt.

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

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A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.
The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :
"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

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Two blonde pilots...

On their first commercial flight together two blonde pilots, best friends for years, are finally flying together after years of being co-pilots for more experienced captains. The cockpit was finally *theirs*.

The flight goes very smoothly and they congratulate each other as they are coming in...

My 5 year old farted last night, and I said “ewww, you farted!”

He said “it was the asphalt, Dad”!

True story.

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A banker's son, an investor's son and a farmer's son were going to prom.

But the day before the prom, the principal made it a requirement for all students to arrive in limousines.

As the banker's son entered through the school gates in a Mercedes Maybach, the engine roared, and all the girls cheered.

"Nice limousine." Said the school security guard.

...

A donkey and his farmer were hauling some corn on an old road

when a wheel broke, cracking the road underneath. The township sued the farmer for road repairs, but a judge dismissed the case stating "it's not the ass's fault asphalt has faults"

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A man in a trench coat walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building...

He sits at the bar and he orders a double, followed by another, and then another...

Across the bar he notices two gentlemen arguing back and forth about which one of them is the "bravest"...

The man in the trench coat finishes his third drink and sloshes his way over to the two argui...

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A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

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A blind pilot

A blind pilot is boarding his plane

The plane is full of deaf passangers travelling to Florida.

He greets the passengers, greets the rest of the flight crew, enters the cockpit and positions himself infront of the controls.

After him the co-pilot, who is also blind, boards the p...

I screwed up when I paved my private road...

I guess it's my own dumb asphalt.

50 of the LEAST offensive jokes I know

1. What's a pirate's favorite letter? "**Arrrr!**" "No. Ya'd think so, but me first love be the C"
1. Why wasn't 6 excited that 7, her boyfriend, won her a prize at the fair? Because 711492.
1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
1. Why d...

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Anybody who bothered to look could have seen the signs. Speed had done it's work on the road and it was starting to crack up - didn't know if it was coming or going. The chicken knew that. The chicken knew that road had always been a little slippery. Sure it started out with bright, clear lines and ...

A woman was killed after walking in front of a street paver.

It was her own dumb asphalt.

If you fall outta your car in your driveway,

it's your own asphalt.

What's the road construction worker's equivalent of a plumbers crack?

An asphalt

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs...

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Three Girls and The Back Door

A young man was curious as to what girls thought about sex in the "back-door". So, out of curiosity and a lack of shame, he decides to ask three different girls if they would like to try it in the "back door".

The first girl he asked was American, and when asked about her opinion she punched ...

Satan was severely depressed.

Fewer and fewer souls each new year were coming to hell and it was soon becoming quite empty. So Satan hired an analyst to find out what was going wrong. The analyst traveled all over hell, interviewed lesser demons, and surveyed the experiences of tortured souls, taking notes here and there. A week...

The Church Bell

This church just lost there bell ringer and needed someone to ring the bell for them. They were holding auditions when a man with no arms came up to them and asked about the job. The priest asked the man " How are you going to ring the bell without any arms?" to which the man replied with " Like thi...

Old man enters a bar and starts knocking back vodka shots, one after the other, until his lights slowly start to dim.

The bartender, who was also a friend, tells him to take it easy, go home, that he's had enough. Refusing, he goes on until eventually the friend convinced him.

'I'm going home!'

As expected, as soon as he leaves from the bartop, he falls flat on his face, eventually dragging himself hi...

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So this guy named Dave is at a swanky bar...

So this guy named Dave is at a swanky bar. It's at the top of a 60 floor building. Dave's drinking alone at the bar when the elevator opens. This guy gets off the elevator, orders 6 beers, slams them, walks over to the ledge, and jumps off. Dave sits stock still in shock until he hears the elevator ...

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A man gestures to an empty parking lot...

and says, "This is all asphalt."

Then his ass says, "Don't blame me."

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