How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men

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[Nsfw] Man walks into bar and orders a rum a coke.

Bartender gives him an apple
Man gives him a surprised look and says "I ordered a rum and coke!"
Bartender says "just take a bite"
Man bites it and says "This tastes like rum."
Bartender say "now turn it around."
Man turns it and take a bite "Wow, this tastes like coke. This is amazin...

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

I remember when you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a can of coke and a candy bar.

nowadays they have cameras everywhere

The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.



(tch tch, that was lame)

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

I dreamt that I drowned in an ocean of Coke.

It turned out it was only a pep sea.

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I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for sitting on the coke rimmed toilet lid

I guess you could really say my ass is on the line this time.

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping he...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Where are those little 8oz Coke cans manufactured?

*Minisoda*

What did the fresh Coke say to the flat Sprite?

“Wow, you’re sodapressing.”

Can of coke fell on a mans head from a high building

Fortunately he survived because it was just a soft drink!!!

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

I tried sniffing Coke once...

But the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

What’s the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

OK, I’ll have a Coke.

Bartender: Three dollars.

There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

What did Gimli say after the elves poured him some coke?

THEY CALL IT A LINE!

Nobody asks how coke is doing...

It’s always “is Pepsi okay?”

Got a can of coke for my girlfriend

Best trade ever

The CEO of Coke was fired today

They found traces of Pepsi in his system....

Wait shi........

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

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Sex is like coke...

You can’t put a finger on what it feels like in your mouth

Two marines played a mean prank on an army soldier: after boarding a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston, they decided to put their plan into action... one sat in the window seat, and the other sat in the middle seat waiting for their buddy to join them, and pretty soon he did...

Just before take-off, an army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two marines. The soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the soldier, "I'll get it for ...

I went to the world of coke today...

I can say it's a lot better than the world of Coca-Cola.

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The Bartender and the Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and sits at the first stool he finds. The bartender looks over and asks, “what’ll ya have?” “Rum and Coke”, the man replies. The bartender reaches under the bar and places an apple in front of the man. “Is this some kind of joke?” he asks. “No, sir. Just take a bite.” the bar...

What does a coke freak and a plumber have in common?

They both love to catch a drain.

My girlfriend is an alchemist. Last night she drank 8 rum & cokes.

Then she vomited 7-up.

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Ba...

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke

The bartender says “sure thing” and reaches below the bar. He puts an apple down in front of the guy and says nothing. The man says “sorry but I ordered a rum and coke.” The bartender says, “just take a bite.” So the man takes a bite and is surprised. “This tastes like rum.” He says. The bartender n...

A man goes up to his drug dealer and asks, “Hey, I want to try something stronger. Got any coke?”

His dealer shook his head. “Would Pepsi be okay?”

The CEOs of Miller, Budweiser, Cours, and Guinness walk into a bar

The CEO of Miller says to the bartender, "I want the best beer you have, a Miller Lite."

"Oh no," says the Budweiser CEO. "Your head is on backwards. Me, I'll have the king of beers, a Budweiser."

"I'll have the only beer brewed with Rocky Mountain spring water," chimes in the Coors C...

Coke is too hard to work into a palindrome

**Bartender who talks in palindromes:** Yako, is Pepsi okay?

A man walks in to a bar and says "I'll have a rum and coke."

The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees.

The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram

My AA sponsor said coke & hookers are not an appropriate Birthday gift..

So i took my business elsewhere!

Customer: "Can I have a number 5 with coke?

Me: "I'm so sorry, maam, but we don't sell cocaine."

Manager: *pulls me aside* "Why the heck would you say that!?"

Me: *goes back to the customer* "My bad, we do sell cocaine".

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

Why do people in the US get so happy when they drink coke?

Because it’s a merry can.

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A friend of mine realized that he had to give up coke, drinking and fucking dirty hookers every day

During this time of abstinence, his physical health improved a lot. He put on some healthy weight and even some muscles. However, mentally he got really depressed, a total wreck. He was especially sad over his new sex life.

Long story short, now he's back at it again; drinking, taking cocaine...

Library

So this guy walks into a library. He approaches the librarian and says: “I’ll have a double whopper, medium fries and a diet coke, please”.

The librarian looks puzzled and responds: “Erm, sir, you are aware that this is a library...?”

The man: *whispers* sorry, so that was a double wh...

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Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!"
"That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that."
The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor."
"Okay...

Custody battle

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy,
but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them. ...

There once was a guy so dumb, he got sent to colombia for coke

He returned with pepsi

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

Sorry i dont do coke

I just like the way it smells

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(NSFW) Three guys are hanging out together at a house. One is white, one is black, and one is Mexican. After doing a couple lines of coke, they are all revved up and horny. The white guy says “hey we should get a hooker and we can take turns for a little entertainment”

The other two guys agree this is a great idea and so the white guy makes a phone call to a pimp. Ten minutes later, a prostitute arrives.

After a few minutes of discussion, the white guy says “well I paid for her so I’m going first”. The other two guys, while annoyed, agree to this.

T...

I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen.

Now my nose bleeds once a month.

A boxer used to do coke on his bocing gloves after winning.

That was the punch line.

What do you call a stoner's Coke?

Baking soda

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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"

It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"

The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.

"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

A snail walks into a bar

The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, “sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar”.... so then the bartender kicks the snail out.

5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender “what the f...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky-coke.

Barman : "Sorry Sir, we have only Pepsi".

The man : "I don't mind".

And the barman serves him a glass with half Pepsi, half Coke.

Personal trainer just got 10 years for dealing coke

I’ve been going to him for years. Just shows you never really know someone.

I genuinely had no idea he was a personal trainer

What does a Scandinavian coke addict do?

Snjort.

How do coke dealers meet women?

Pickup lines.

So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.

So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

Beer

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.

The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it...

A friend just grabbed my coke can and destroyed it.

That's soda pressing.

A guy walks up to a bar to get his carry-out order.

A guy walks up to a bar to get his carry-out order. "Would you like anything to drink?" the bartender asks. "Yes, get me a blind Coke," the guy replies. "A blind Coke?" the baffled bartender asks. "I'm not sure what that is." "You know, a blind Coke," the guy insists. "A Coke with no ice."

Batman order a drink. Waiter asks, "Pepsi or Coke?"

Batman responds, "Just ice."

I always used to get free coke as a 7 year old.

But I ended up in jail while asking as a 21 year old.

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

Two mentos are in a bar...

...just enjoying a drink of coke, (as they do of course.)


Then a Halls Cough Drop walks in.


One of the mentos hides under the table. Shaking.


The other one asks him "What's up?"


The mentos hiding under the table replies "You don't wanna mess wi...

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

What’s the difference between a bag of coke and a 4 year old boy?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of coke fall out the window

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

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If you sniff coke off of someone's butt

...is it called crack cocaine?

Why do Anti-Vaxxers drink Coke and Pepsi?

Because they think Dr, Pepper causes autism

My friend told me I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between drinking coke and drinking pepsi

I responded, “wait, y’all be drinking the coke?”

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A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

What does Batman have with his coke?

Just ice

What did the alien say to the coke bottle?

Take me to your liter

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

I had to buy my mother 144 ounces of coke.

They were out of 2-liters.

Me: “I’m thirsty. I wonder if dad will be back soon with my Coke?”

Waiter: “Hi Thirsty, I’m not your dad..”

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple

Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke

Bartender: just have a bite

Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!

Bartender: turn it around

Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!...

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

Guy walks into a bar

Guy to the bartender: I’ll take a Jack and Coke
Bartender: pepsi ok?
Guy: ...sure
Bartender: *starts mixing coke and pepsi*

I got beaten up after I told a customer “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi okay?”

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

What do English teacher and Coke dealers have in common?

Focus on the last line.

I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better!

But Columbian coke is especially great!

What happened to the guy that drank 6 cokes?

He burped 7 up.

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

My drink is moaning

It sounds like a ghost and it’s giving me the heebie jeebies. I take it back to the cashier and tell them it sounds like the large Coke I ordered is possessed. The cashier looks me, apologetic, and says, “Large? I’m so sorry, I thought you asked for a medium.”

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

What drink can help you see in the dark?

Coke light

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

Had the choice between 3 Cokes and 4 Dr Peppers.

I picked seven up.

If I smash a bottle of coke on your head...

It probably won't hurt since it's soft drink

What is a coke-head’s favourite app?

Instagram

I tried snorting coke for the first time

I didn't like it, the bubbles tickled

What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

What’s the difference between a coke dealer and a dealer who sells other drugs?

A thin white line.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.

The Weeknd is doing the Pepsi Half Time Show

...but all the songs are about coke.

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