When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

I just had to start taking anti-depressants after starting my new career testing the strength of Coke cans...

I love my job, but its soda-pressing

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

How do coke dealers meet women?

Pickup lines.

How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple

Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke

Bartender: just have a bite

Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!

Bartender: turn it around

Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky-coke.

Barman : "Sorry Sir, we have only Pepsi".

The man : "I don't mind".

And the barman serves him a glass with half Pepsi, half Coke.

What’s the WiFi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Bartender: is Pepsi okay?

Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

There you go. So, what’s the password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

What did the alien say to the coke bottle?

Take me to your liter

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse & Jack Daniel's?

Jack Daniel's comes alive when you add coke.

A bear walks into a bar and says he wants a whiskey and .................... a coke. The bartender says no problem but what’s with the big pause?

The bear says I don’t know I was born this way

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"

It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"

The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.

"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

What do you get when you cross Coke and Pepsi?

Diabetes.

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Ba...

A man walks in to a bar and says "I'll have a rum and coke."

The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees.

The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

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If you sniff coke off of someone's butt

...is it called crack cocaine?

Personal trainer just got 10 years for dealing coke

I’ve been going to him for years. Just shows you never really know someone.

I genuinely had no idea he was a personal trainer

I tried snorting coke once...

I tried snorting coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.

No one asks how coke is doing.

They always ask "is pepsi ok?"

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen.

Now my nose bleeds once a month.

I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better!

But Columbian coke is especially great!

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

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It’s ironic Whitney Houston did all those Pepsi endorsements

Then over dosed on Coke

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Two Arabs get on a plane

One sat by the window and the other sat in the middle. Just before take off a Jewish fellow comes up and takes the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He takes off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just getting settled in when one of the Arabs said "I think I'll get a coke" the Jewish guy says "No probl...

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Two Arab guys get on a plane

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”

“No pr...

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

Had the choice between 3 Cokes and 4 Dr Peppers.

I picked seven up.

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

I had to buy my mother 144 ounces of coke.

They were out of 2-liters.

Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?

His blood tested positive for Coke.

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A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

I hate my job, all I do all day is crush Coke cans.

It’s soda pressing.

If I smash a bottle of coke on your head...

It probably won't hurt since it's soft drink

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

What does Batman have with his coke?

Just ice

Someone had hit me with a Coke a while ago.

Don't worry, it was a soft drink.

What do English teacher and Coke dealers have in common?

Focus on the last line.

What happened to the guy that drank 6 cokes?

He burped 7 up.

I don't have a coke problem...

...I just love the way it smells.

What’s the difference between a coke dealer and a dealer who sells other drugs?

A thin white line.

So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.

So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

A man needs WiFi at the local pub.

A man goes into a local pub and has poor cell signal.

He asks for the WiFi password.

The bartender replies: “You need to buy a drink first.”

The man says fine and orders a Coke, which costs him $3. He then asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?”

The bartender answers: “Y...

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...

..you get baked.

...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke

Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar

Man: "What's this?"

Bartender: "Try it"

Man: "It tastes like rum!"

Bartender: "Turn it around."

Man: "This side tastes like coke!"

Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartende...

What is a coke-head’s favourite app?

Instagram

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."

The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

A polar bear walks into a bar

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I'll have a Bud Lite. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ....

What's the difference between a four year old and a bag of coke?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out of the window

Id like to order a number 3 combo with a Mac n cheese side and large coke

Okay that will be $7.86 sir, what kind of drink would you like?

...

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There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ...

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

Which state sells the smallest cans of coke?

Minisoda

I tried snorting coke for the first time

I didn't like it, the bubbles tickled

My mom is a coke addict...

It's seriously tearing her apart, all the caffeine and artificial sweetner. It has to stop.

This kid threw a can of Coke into the trash and hit me...

Dont worry, it didnt hurt.
It was a soft drink.

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

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Dicks and vaginas are like Coke and Pepsi.

I strongly prefer one, but my dad says they both taste the same.

Soaking a twig in coke is nice, but soaking a twig in fanta...

Fanta stick.

TIL There's a huge, televised award ceremony for coke dealers held every year...

They call it the grammies

Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common?

Twice the taste, zero calories.

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, ...

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Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

Why couldn't the crumpled can of coke get out of bed in the morning?

Because it was soda pressed.

Why did the confused coke-head join the klan?

He thought they were saying "White Powder"

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

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I would never suck dick for coke...

But I'd definitely suck dick for more coke.

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down.

Bartender asks: "What can I get you?"

Guy says: "Jack and coke"

Bartender nods, goes under the bar, gets up, and puts an apple on the bar. The guy says, "I ordered a Jack and coke, what the hell is this." Bartender says "Just try it." The guy takes a bite and says to the bartender: "Ho...

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