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Coke Jokes

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Ba...

My wife was just in a minor accident. She's told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time

But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men

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[Nsfw] Man walks into bar and orders a rum a coke.

Bartender gives him an apple
Man gives him a surprised look and says "I ordered a rum and coke!"
Bartender says "just take a bite"
Man bites it and says "This tastes like rum."
Bartender say "now turn it around."
Man turns it and take a bite "Wow, this tastes like coke. This is amazin...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Coke vs Pepsi…

Well, I wouldn’t recommend snorting Pepsi so Coke wins.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke

Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar

Man: "What's this?"

Bartender: "Try it"

Man: "It tastes like rum!"

Bartender: "Turn it around."

Man: "This side tastes like coke!"

Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartende...

Dear Diet Coke

Dear Diet Coke,

I feel like you are overreacting.

Sincerely,
Mentos

Ordered Jack and Coke. Bartender asked if Pepsi was ok. I said sure

So he made me a Pepsi and Coke

Why don't coke-heads get botox?

They never want to decrease their number of lines.

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

A guy asks a barman how much a coke is.

The barman says it's $5 but asks for $10.

So the guy's confused and asks why,

to which the barman answers: "$5 for the coke, $5 for the service."

The guy pays up but the barman gives him $5 back.

So the guy's confused and asks why,

to which the barman answers: "Y...

Got a can of coke for my girlfriend

Best trade ever

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

A man and his wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem...

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Ho...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a glass of coke.

The bartender asks: "Would you like a straw"

"Yeah, straw, lots of straw".

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

I walk into my Granddaddy's house drinking a coke

He tells me, "Boy, you drinking too many of those cokes. Don't you know that isn't good for your teeth?"

I say, "You be drinking bourbon everytime I've seen you since I can remember. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. "

He says, "yeah , but that ain't gonna mess up my teeth."

You...

A asked the waitress for a pepsi. She told me she had Coke.

I said That's cool, I'll have a gram and a Pepsi.

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I don't sell coke

I'm not a drug dealer.

I'm a prostitute, I sell crack.

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

Did you hear about the mortician that tried to smuggle an 8-ball of coke in a dead body?

Authorities found it in the coroner pocket.

Coke is like Russian roulette:

If the first time is mind-blowing your life is probably over

Where are those little 8oz Coke cans manufactured?

*Minisoda*

What's it called when a red head snorts a line of coke?

A ginger rail.

The CEO of Coke was fired today

They found traces of Pepsi in his system....

Wait shi........

For years I've stuck with coke but recently tried switching to pepsi.

But the bubbles really burn my nose.

Me and my wife got into an argument once so she smashed a glass coke bottle over my head

Thank God it was a soft drink

A guy says to a librarian "I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

The librarian says "I'm sorry sir but this is a library".

The guy says *whispering* "Oh, sorry, I'd like a Big Mac, French Fries and a Coke"

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Did you know that if you mix diet coke, bicarb soda, table salt and bleach together in a mop bucket....

You get yelled at by the manager of Walmart

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

No one ever asks how Coke is doing.

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay"?

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than n...

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

I just saw two hotdogs and a burger stumble out of a club, blind drunk and blazed on coke and weed. I was disgusted...

I hate to see food wasted like that. Frugal upbringing.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

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the head brewmasters of Budweiser, Miller, and Guinness walk into a bar..

the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.

the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.

the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.

"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the oth...

The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.



(tch tch, that was lame)

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

I don't have a coke problem...

...I just love the way it smells.

What did the fresh Coke say to the flat Sprite?

“Wow, you’re sodapressing.”

I went to the world of coke today...

I can say it's a lot better than the world of Coca-Cola.

Customer: "Can I have a number 5 with coke?

Me: "I'm so sorry, maam, but we don't sell cocaine."

Manager: *pulls me aside* "Why the heck would you say that!?"

Me: *goes back to the customer* "My bad, we do sell cocaine".

My AA sponsor said coke & hookers are not an appropriate Birthday gift..

So i took my business elsewhere!

What do you call a Coke bottle full of bees?

A redneck vibrator.

How do coke dealers meet women?

Pickup lines.

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Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around....

What do you call a stoner's Coke?

Baking soda

I walk into a bar and order a rum and coke.

Bartender says, "is Pepsi ok?"
Yeah sure....He hands me a Pepsi and coke.

Personal trainer just got 10 years for dealing coke

I’ve been going to him for years. Just shows you never really know someone.

I genuinely had no idea he was a personal trainer

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky-coke.

Barman : "Sorry Sir, we have only Pepsi".

The man : "I don't mind".

And the barman serves him a glass with half Pepsi, half Coke.

What does a Scandinavian coke addict do?

Snjort.

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke...

The bartender says to the man "sorry, but is Pepsi okay?"

The man, having had a long day at work and needing a drink decided not to be picky

"Sure, why not" he said, then paid for his drink

The bartender fixed up the drink and handed it over

"Here you go," he said, "Pepsi...

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

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(NSFW) Three guys are hanging out together at a house. One is white, one is black, and one is Mexican. After doing a couple lines of coke, they are all revved up and horny. The white guy says “hey we should get a hooker and we can take turns for a little entertainment”

The other two guys agree this is a great idea and so the white guy makes a phone call to a pimp. Ten minutes later, a prostitute arrives.

After a few minutes of discussion, the white guy says “well I paid for her so I’m going first”. The other two guys, while annoyed, agree to this.

T...

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

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If you sniff coke off of someone's butt

...is it called crack cocaine?

What does Batman have with his coke?

Just ice

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A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

A friend just grabbed my coke can and destroyed it.

That's soda pressing.

What’s the difference between a bag of coke and a 4 year old boy?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of coke fall out the window

What's the difference between a baby and an ounce of Coke?

Eric Clapton would never drop an ounce of Coke out of a window

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

I had to buy my mother 144 ounces of coke.

They were out of 2-liters.

What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

What did the alien say to the coke bottle?

Take me to your liter

What do English teacher and Coke dealers have in common?

Focus on the last line.

My friend told me I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between drinking coke and drinking pepsi

I responded, “wait, y’all be drinking the coke?”

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple

Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke

Bartender: just have a bite

Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!

Bartender: turn it around

Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!...

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

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Dicks and vaginas are like Coke and Pepsi.

I strongly prefer one, but my dad says they both taste the same.

What is a coke-head’s favourite app?

Instagram

Why do Anti-Vaxxers drink Coke and Pepsi?

Because they think Dr, Pepper causes autism

I got beaten up after I told a customer “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi okay?”

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

I just had to start taking anti-depressants after starting my new career testing the strength of Coke cans...

I love my job, but its soda-pressing

A bot walks into a sub and orders a rum and coke...

[Removed]

If I smash a bottle of coke on your head...

It probably won't hurt since it's soft drink

What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common?

Twice the taste, zero calories.

What’s the difference between a coke dealer and a dealer who sells other drugs?

A thin white line.

I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of coke.

But when I got home, I realised I'd picked 7 Up.

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Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

Soaking a twig in coke is nice, but soaking a twig in fanta...

Fanta stick.

Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

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