When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke. The bartender says, “Coming right up,” reaches below the counter, pulls out an apple and sets it in front of the man. “What the fuck is this?” asks the man. “Trust me, try it,” says the bartender. The man takes a bite and says it tastes just like rum...

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

There once was a guy so dumb, he got sent to colombia for coke

He returned with pepsi

I walk into a bar and order a rum and coke.

Bartender says, "is Pepsi ok?"
Yeah sure....He hands me a Pepsi and coke.

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram

I just got hit in the head with a can of coke

I’ll be fine because it was a soft drink

What do you call a stoner's Coke?

Baking soda

What does a Scandinavian coke addict do?

Snjort.

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

What’s the difference between a bag of coke and a 4 year old boy?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of coke fall out the window

How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

Batman order a drink. Waiter asks, "Pepsi or Coke?"

Batman responds, "Just ice."

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

A friend just grabbed my coke can and destroyed it.

That's soda pressing.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky-coke.

Barman : "Sorry Sir, we have only Pepsi".

The man : "I don't mind".

And the barman serves him a glass with half Pepsi, half Coke.

I always used to get free coke as a 7 year old.

But I ended up in jail while asking as a 21 year old.

A man walks in to a bar and says "I'll have a rum and coke."

The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees.

The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"

What did the alien say to the coke bottle?

Take me to your liter

Why do Anti-Vaxxers drink Coke and Pepsi?

Because they think Dr, Pepper causes autism

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen.

Now my nose bleeds once a month.

I just had to start taking anti-depressants after starting my new career testing the strength of Coke cans...

I love my job, but its soda-pressing

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Ba...

What is the WiFi password?

[Me at a bar]

Me: What is the wifi password?

Bartender: you have to buy a drink first

Me: okay, one Coke please.

Bartender: is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure.

Bartender: That will be $3.

Me: Okey then, what's the wifi password?

Bartender: you have to buy...

A bear walks into a bar and says he wants a whiskey and .................... a coke. The bartender says no problem but what’s with the big pause?

The bear says I don’t know I was born this way

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"

It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"

The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.

"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple

Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke

Bartender: just have a bite

Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!

Bartender: turn it around

Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!...

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

How do coke dealers meet women?

Pickup lines.

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

No one asks how coke is doing.

They always ask "is pepsi ok?"

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

Personal trainer just got 10 years for dealing coke

I’ve been going to him for years. Just shows you never really know someone.

I genuinely had no idea he was a personal trainer

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better!

But Columbian coke is especially great!

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If you sniff coke off of someone's butt

...is it called crack cocaine?

I walked in to a bar, and ordered a Jack and Coke

Two key bumps later, all four tires are off my car

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A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

Me: “I’m thirsty. I wonder if dad will be back soon with my Coke?”

Waiter: “Hi Thirsty, I’m not your dad..”

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

I had to buy my mother 144 ounces of coke.

They were out of 2-liters.

A man walks into a library.

He goes up to the desk and says to the librarian, “Hi, I’d like a cheeseburger, a large fries and a coke please.” The librarian looks at him funny, and says, “this is a library!” The man says, “Oh sorry,” and then whispers “I’d like a cheeseburger, a large fries and a coke please.”

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I’ve done a ton of fucked up shit in my life.

But coke is where I draw the line.

Had the choice between 3 Cokes and 4 Dr Peppers.

I picked seven up.

What do English teacher and Coke dealers have in common?

Focus on the last line.

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A black man, mexican man and a redneck are walking down the beach one day when they stumble upon a magical lamp.

They rub it and a Genie pops out. "Thank you for freeing me from 1000 years inside! I will grant each of you ONE wish!"

The black man goes first : "I wish all black people could be returned to Africa to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many gene...

What does Batman have with his coke?

Just ice

I had the best bartender ever.

I was in this bar with a friend. I asked the bartender for the wi-fi password. He said, "You need to buy a drink first." So I ordered a coke. After I paid him, I asked again for the wi-fi password.

He said, "You need to buy a drink first . . . . No spaces, all lower case."

If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...

..you get baked.

...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.

Doctors And Attorneys

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One
sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle
seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and
took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The
doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when ...

I hate my job, all I do all day is crush Coke cans.

It’s soda pressing.

What's the difference between Pepsi and coke?

I don't like putting Pepsi in my coke.

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

I got beaten up after I told a customer “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi okay?”

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

What happened to the guy that drank 6 cokes?

He burped 7 up.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.



The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have
a Bloody Mary!"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me
a rum and coke!"

The anti-vaxver says, No shots for me.:"

She then collapses and d...

It used to be if you wanted to buy large quantities of coke you contact Pablo Escobar.

Today however, you can get all you can drink for 1$ at McDonalds.

I don't have a coke problem...

...I just love the way it smells.

What’s the difference between a coke dealer and a dealer who sells other drugs?

A thin white line.

Having fun isn't hard when you have a library card...

You need something to line up the coke, after all.

If I smash a bottle of coke on your head...

It probably won't hurt since it's soft drink

Which state sells the smallest cans of coke?

Minisoda

The Submarine Party

To boost morale, a submarine captain decides to hold a party for the seamen while underwater. Given the tight space, they setup various areas throughout the boat to serve the crew. Despite the long lines at each area, the party is going well, with everyone happily eating and drinking.

About m...

So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.

So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

I tried snorting coke for the first time

I didn't like it, the bubbles tickled

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

Whats a diabetics drug of choice?

Diet coke

What is a coke-head’s favourite app?

Instagram

What did the waitress do with the Coke before it was cool?

Serve it to a hipster.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?

One got burned for Pepsi, the other got burned for coke."

Coulda been worse.

A father walks past his son's room and to his astonishment he sees that the bed is neatly made and the room is all tidied up.

Then he saw an envelope on the pillow.

It's addressed to "Dad".

He picked it up, tore it open and read the note:

"Dear Dad, it is with great regre...

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

My mom is a coke addict...

It's seriously tearing her apart, all the caffeine and artificial sweetner. It has to stop.

A guy walks into a bar to get some work done.

Guy says to the bartender “hey, can I get the WiFi password?” Bartender says “you have to buy a drink first”. Guy grunts and says “fine, let me get a jack and coke”. Bartender comes over and gives the man his drink. Guys say “now can I have the WiFi password?” Bartender nods and say “you have to b...

This kid threw a can of Coke into the trash and hit me...

Dont worry, it didnt hurt.
It was a soft drink.

TIL There's a huge, televised award ceremony for coke dealers held every year...

They call it the grammies

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Oldie, but no one I tell has ever heard it

One day there was a bunny hopping through the forest when he comes across a deer rolling up a joint.

The bunny says "Mr. Deer...don't waste your life on drugs. Prance through the forest with me and be free!" Mr. Deer thinks "Ya know...he's right. What am I doing with my life?"

So he p...

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

The fighting needs to stop

An archaeologist and 2 historians are sitting next to each other on a plane. The archaeologist took off his shoes. One of the historians asks the archaeologist to get him a coke. He says yes and when he gets up the historian spits in his shoe. When the archaeologist got back the other historian ask...

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Dicks and vaginas are like Coke and Pepsi.

I strongly prefer one, but my dad says they both taste the same.

What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common?

Twice the taste, zero calories.

Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

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Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

A drunk walks into a library...

A drunk guy stumbles into a library and makes his way to the reference desk. He steadies himself and tells the librarian “HEY I WANT A CHEESEBURGER, SOME FRIES AND A COKE!”

The librarian looks at him in disgust and says “Sir, this is a library”

The drunk replies “Oh I’m sorry” and whis...

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse & Jack Daniel's?

Jack Daniel's comes alive when you add coke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

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A man walks into a bar...

... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”

The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.

The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” 

The bartender says “take a bite.”

The man ta...

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Another bar joke

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a gin and tonic.


The bartender reaches under the counter and pulls out an apple and hands it to him.


The guy takes the apple and asks, "What's this, I asked for a gin and tonic".


The bartender replies, "take a bite, you w...

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and ...

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