When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Coke is too hard to work into a palindrome

**Bartender who talks in palindromes:** Yako, is Pepsi okay?

Went to the store to buy 6 cans of coke

But I accidentally picked 7up

I work in McDonald’s and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink.

*Just ice* was served.

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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

Got a can of coke for my girlfriend

Best trade ever

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram

Sorry i dont do coke

I just like the way it smells

A boxer used to do coke on his bocing gloves after winning.

That was the punch line.

Customer: "Can I have a number 5 with coke?

Me: "I'm so sorry, maam, but we don't sell cocaine."

Manager: *pulls me aside* "Why the heck would you say that!?"

Me: *goes back to the customer* "My bad, we do sell cocaine".

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

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(NSFW) Three guys are hanging out together at a house. One is white, one is black, and one is Mexican. After doing a couple lines of coke, they are all revved up and horny. The white guy says “hey we should get a hooker and we can take turns for a little entertainment”

The other two guys agree this is a great idea and so the white guy makes a phone call to a pimp. Ten minutes later, a prostitute arrives.

After a few minutes of discussion, the white guy says “well I paid for her so I’m going first”. The other two guys, while annoyed, agree to this.

T...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke. The bartender says, “Coming right up,” reaches below the counter, pulls out an apple and sets it in front of the man. “What the fuck is this?” asks the man. “Trust me, try it,” says the bartender. The man takes a bite and says it tastes just like rum...

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

There once was a guy so dumb, he got sent to colombia for coke

He returned with pepsi

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

A friend just grabbed my coke can and destroyed it.

That's soda pressing.

What do you call a stoner's Coke?

Baking soda

How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

I just got hit in the head with a can of coke

I’ll be fine because it was a soft drink

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

What’s the difference between a bag of coke and a 4 year old boy?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of coke fall out the window

My friend told me I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between drinking coke and drinking pepsi

I responded, “wait, y’all be drinking the coke?”

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

What does a Scandinavian coke addict do?

Snjort.

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

Batman order a drink. Waiter asks, "Pepsi or Coke?"

Batman responds, "Just ice."

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

Why do Anti-Vaxxers drink Coke and Pepsi?

Because they think Dr, Pepper causes autism

A man walks in to a bar and says "I'll have a rum and coke."

The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees.

The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"

I always used to get free coke as a 7 year old.

But I ended up in jail while asking as a 21 year old.

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Ba...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky-coke.

Barman : "Sorry Sir, we have only Pepsi".

The man : "I don't mind".

And the barman serves him a glass with half Pepsi, half Coke.

How do coke dealers meet women?

Pickup lines.

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

neighbor got a job driving a pepsi truck, they fired him the next day.

he tested positive for coke.

What did the alien say to the coke bottle?

Take me to your liter

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"

The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."

She then collapses and dies from polio.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"

It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"

The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.

"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

A bear walks into a bar and says he wants a whiskey and .................... a coke. The bartender says no problem but what’s with the big pause?

The bear says I don’t know I was born this way

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Rabbits

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff...

I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen.

Now my nose bleeds once a month.

No one asks how coke is doing.

They always ask "is pepsi ok?"

Personal trainer just got 10 years for dealing coke

I’ve been going to him for years. Just shows you never really know someone.

I genuinely had no idea he was a personal trainer

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

A man walks into a bar...

...and orders a vodka and coke. The barman serves him. The man drinks it and orders another. This goes on for a while, until the man begins to slow down.

The barman asks: “Is there anything the matter, sir?”

The man sighs and answers: “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said...

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple

Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke

Bartender: just have a bite

Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!

Bartender: turn it around

Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!...

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A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

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If you sniff coke off of someone's butt

...is it called crack cocaine?

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

I had to buy my mother 144 ounces of coke.

They were out of 2-liters.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her ass.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge

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So a lawyer walks on a plane and sits in the aisle seat beside two doctors...

He takes his shoes off and gets comfy in his seat. A little while after takeoff one of the doctors says “excuse me, would you mind if I get up to get a coke?” The lawyer responds “oh, no problem. In fact, I’ll just go and get it for you!” While he’s at the front of the plane, the doctor spits in hi...

George is at his first middle school party but really nervous cause he's mostly an introvert

He tries to fit in but we can see he is visibly sweating, his more social friend, Finn walks up to him and George finally sighs of relief.

Finn: George, what are you doing man? You're sweating like a fountain!

George: Well you know how I really don't like being around a lot of people, ...

I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better!

But Columbian coke is especially great!

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A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

Karen walks into a library

She goes to the librarian says,
"I want a Big Mac and a Coke please"

Librarian looks at her puzzled and says
"This is a library Miss"

Karen replied,
"Oh yes sorry"
(whispers) 'I want a Big Mac and a Coke please'

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest...

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rab...

I hate my job, all I do all day is crush Coke cans.

It’s soda pressing.

What does Batman have with his coke?

Just ice

What do English teacher and Coke dealers have in common?

Focus on the last line.

Had the choice between 3 Cokes and 4 Dr Peppers.

I picked seven up.

My brother is an idiot. He's in hospital with a broken ankle because he tried gluing 3 cans of soda together and using them as stilts.

That'll teach him to get high on coke.

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.

So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

I got beaten up after I told a customer “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi okay?”

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

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A Single Man Goes Up to The Check Out

He places a pizza for one. Bottle of coke and a block of chocolate on the counter.

The cashier says "Single Huh?"

The man laughs and replies 'hah yeah how could you tell?'

The cashier "Well, because your fucking ugly"

If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...

..you get baked.

...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

What’s the difference between a coke dealer and a dealer who sells other drugs?

A thin white line.

What happened to the guy that drank 6 cokes?

He burped 7 up.

If I smash a bottle of coke on your head...

It probably won't hurt since it's soft drink

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

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Deep into the woods there was bunny rabbit, hopping and prancing,

when he saw a monkey about to drop acid, so he yelled

"STOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP, THAT'S BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH COME JOIN ME HOP THRU THE FOREST".

So the monkey said fuck it, let's do it rabbit.

So the monkey and the bunny where prancing through the woods when all of a sudden, saw a giraff...

What is a coke-head’s favourite app?

Instagram

I tried snorting coke for the first time

I didn't like it, the bubbles tickled

Which state sells the smallest cans of coke?

Minisoda

What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

Id like to order a number 3 combo with a Mac n cheese side and large coke

Okay that will be $7.86 sir, what kind of drink would you like?

...

Doctors And Attorneys

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One
sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle
seat. Just before takeoff, a physician got on and
took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The
doctor kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when ...

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A black man, mexican man and a redneck are walking down the beach one day when they stumble upon a magical lamp.

They rub it and a Genie pops out. "Thank you for freeing me from 1000 years inside! I will grant each of you ONE wish!"

The black man goes first : "I wish all black people could be returned to Africa to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many gene...

I had the best bartender ever.

I was in this bar with a friend. I asked the bartender for the wi-fi password. He said, "You need to buy a drink first." So I ordered a coke. After I paid him, I asked again for the wi-fi password.

He said, "You need to buy a drink first . . . . No spaces, all lower case."

This kid threw a can of Coke into the trash and hit me...

Dont worry, it didnt hurt.
It was a soft drink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve done a ton of fucked up shit in my life.

But coke is where I draw the line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dicks and vaginas are like Coke and Pepsi.

I strongly prefer one, but my dad says they both taste the same.

TIL There's a huge, televised award ceremony for coke dealers held every year...

They call it the grammies

What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common?

Twice the taste, zero calories.

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Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

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