UPJOKE
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I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men

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[Nsfw] Man walks into bar and orders a rum a coke.

Bartender gives him an apple
Man gives him a surprised look and says "I ordered a rum and coke!"
Bartender says "just take a bite"
Man bites it and says "This tastes like rum."
Bartender say "now turn it around."
Man turns it and take a bite "Wow, this tastes like coke. This is amazin...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

A asked the waitress for a pepsi. She told me she had Coke.

I said That's cool, I'll have a gram and a Pepsi.

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

Got a can of coke for my girlfriend

Best trade ever

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

For years I've stuck with coke but recently tried switching to pepsi.

But the bubbles really burn my nose.

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram.

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

A guy asks a barman how much a coke is.

The barman says it's $5 but asks for $10.

So the guy's confused and asks why,

to which the barman answers: "$5 for the coke, $5 for the service."

The guy pays up but the barman gives him $5 back.

So the guy's confused and asks why,

to which the barman answers: "Y...

I walk into my Granddaddy's house drinking a coke

He tells me, "Boy, you drinking too many of those cokes. Don't you know that isn't good for your teeth?"

I say, "You be drinking bourbon everytime I've seen you since I can remember. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. "

He says, "yeah , but that ain't gonna mess up my teeth."

You...

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. and coke.”

The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”

The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.”

Dear Diet Coke

Dear Diet Coke,

I feel like you are overreacting.

Sincerely,
Mentos

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Ba...

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

What's it called when a red head snorts a line of coke?

A ginger rail.

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

Car pulls up. Guy rolls the window down. "You got any coke?" Me: "Is Pepsi OK?" Dude shot me in the leg.

I ordered a Jack and Coke and the bartender asked “Is Pepsi okay?”

I said yeah, and he gave me a Coke and Pepsi.

A guy walks into a bar..

..and orders a Jack Daniels with coke. The bartender asks if Pepsi is okay. "Whatever, sure" says the guy. So, the bartender mixes a Pepsi with coke for him.

A capitalist and a socialist were snorting coke together...

They put their differences aside and were actually getting along quite well. That is until the socialist took a hit out of the other's bottom line.

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What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a ...

I remember when you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a can of coke and a candy bar.

nowadays they have cameras everywhere

Where are those little 8oz Coke cans manufactured?

*Minisoda*

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

What do you call a Coke bottle full of bees?

A redneck vibrator.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his job at Pepsi?

He tested positive for coke.

So, a bear walks into a bar.

The barkeep says, "What'll it be, sir?"
The bear replies,"I'll have a .. ... .... ..rum and Coke."
to which the barkeep asks,"What's with the big pause?"
The bear looks down a bit confused and answers, "I dunno, I guess I was born with them?"

I went to the shops today

And bought . 1 ready meal; 1 banana; 1 onion and 1 can of coke. As the lady was checking the items she look at me and said: “Are you single”? I replied:”yes, how do you know because of all the single item’s “?
She said:”no, it’s because your really, really ugly”.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

Coke is like Russian roulette:

If the first time is mind-blowing your life is probably over

The Anteater

An anteater walks into a bar! The bartender, who is extremely famous, asks if he can get him a drink. The anteater responds "noooooo." This surprises the bartender as no one has ever declined a drink before. He decides to ask the anteater if he'd like a basic drink, a rum and coke! The anteater resp...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke

Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar

Man: "What's this?"

Bartender: "Try it"

Man: "It tastes like rum!"

Bartender: "Turn it around."

Man: "This side tastes like coke!"

Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartende...

The CEO of Coke was fired today

They found traces of Pepsi in his system....

Wait shi........

What did the fresh Coke say to the flat Sprite?

“Wow, you’re sodapressing.”

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke

The bartender says “sure thing” and reaches below the bar. He puts an apple down in front of the guy and says nothing. The man says “sorry but I ordered a rum and coke.” The bartender says, “just take a bite.” So the man takes a bite and is surprised. “This tastes like rum.” He says. The bartender n...

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping he...

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."

The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

Coke is too hard to work into a palindrome

**Bartender who talks in palindromes:** Yako, is Pepsi okay?

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I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for sitting on the coke rimmed toilet lid

I guess you could really say my ass is on the line this time.

Let’s have a drink together

After a Beer Festival in London, several brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president say...

The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.



(tch tch, that was lame)

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

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Sex is like coke...

You can’t put a finger on what it feels like in your mouth

Customer: "Can I have a number 5 with coke?

Me: "I'm so sorry, maam, but we don't sell cocaine."

Manager: *pulls me aside* "Why the heck would you say that!?"

Me: *goes back to the customer* "My bad, we do sell cocaine".

What did Gimli say after the elves poured him some coke?

THEY CALL IT A LINE!

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece; but the custody of their children posed a problem.





The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence...

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

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A friend of mine realized that he had to give up coke, drinking and fucking dirty hookers every day

During this time of abstinence, his physical health improved a lot. He put on some healthy weight and even some muscles. However, mentally he got really depressed, a total wreck. He was especially sad over his new sex life.

Long story short, now he's back at it again; drinking, taking cocaine...

I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen.

Now my nose bleeds once a month.

A man goes up to his drug dealer and asks, “Hey, I want to try something stronger. Got any coke?”

His dealer shook his head. “Would Pepsi be okay?”

My girlfriend is an alchemist. Last night she drank 8 rum & cokes.

Then she vomited 7-up.

Can you all please stop hating on Pepsi, Coke, and Orange Crush?

Seriously, it's soda pressing.

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A guy went on a date with a beautiful girl

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.When they got there, he asked her...

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"

It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"

The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.

"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

somewhere in a alternate universe

A patron at a restaurant is asking for "new coke" and the waiter is saying "is clear Pepsi ok"?

There once was a guy so dumb, he got sent to colombia for coke

He returned with pepsi

I went to the world of coke today...

I can say it's a lot better than the world of Coca-Cola.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky-coke.

Barman : "Sorry Sir, we have only Pepsi".

The man : "I don't mind".

And the barman serves him a glass with half Pepsi, half Coke.

Personal trainer just got 10 years for dealing coke

I’ve been going to him for years. Just shows you never really know someone.

I genuinely had no idea he was a personal trainer

My AA sponsor said coke & hookers are not an appropriate Birthday gift..

So i took my business elsewhere!

Why do people in the US get so happy when they drink coke?

Because it’s a merry can.

A boxer used to do coke on his bocing gloves after winning.

That was the punch line.

Three guys are fishing on a lake when an angel appears in the boat with them.

The first guy gets over his shock and humbly says to the angel, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Is it too much to ask that you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his Coke-bottle glasses and asks if the angel could cure hi...

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

What do you call a stoner's Coke?

Baking soda

Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

I don't have a coke problem...

...I just love the way it smells.

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

How do coke dealers meet women?

Pickup lines.

What does a Scandinavian coke addict do?

Snjort.

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If you sniff coke off of someone's butt

...is it called crack cocaine?

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

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A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

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I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

What does Batman have with his coke?

Just ice

Batman order a drink. Waiter asks, "Pepsi or Coke?"

Batman responds, "Just ice."

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

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(NSFW) Three guys are hanging out together at a house. One is white, one is black, and one is Mexican. After doing a couple lines of coke, they are all revved up and horny. The white guy says “hey we should get a hooker and we can take turns for a little entertainment”

The other two guys agree this is a great idea and so the white guy makes a phone call to a pimp. Ten minutes later, a prostitute arrives.

After a few minutes of discussion, the white guy says “well I paid for her so I’m going first”. The other two guys, while annoyed, agree to this.

T...

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

A friend just grabbed my coke can and destroyed it.

That's soda pressing.

A rabbit goes for a run through the forest

As he’s running a cones across a possum about to light up a joint. The rabbit says, “Oh no! Mr. Possum! Don’t do that! It’s so bad for you. Come running with me and stay healthy!” The possum looks at his joint and decides they the rabbit is right and he needs to get healthy. So off they go for a run...

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

The Government Employee

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While poli...

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

What happened to the guy that drank 6 cokes?

He burped 7 up.

What do English teacher and Coke dealers have in common?

Focus on the last line.

It used to be if you wanted to buy large quantities of coke you contact Pablo Escobar.

Today however, you can get all you can drink for 1$ at McDonalds.

What’s the difference between a bag of coke and a 4 year old boy?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of coke fall out the window

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It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

I just got hit in the head with a can of coke

I’ll be fine because it was a soft drink

What did the alien say to the coke bottle?

Take me to your liter

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple

Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke

Bartender: just have a bite

Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!

Bartender: turn it around

Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!...

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

Why do Anti-Vaxxers drink Coke and Pepsi?

Because they think Dr, Pepper causes autism

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Two Ukrainians and a Russian get on a plane.

They're seated next to each other the Russian having the aisle seat.

He gets comfortable for the flight and takes his shoes off, when one of the Ukrainians says:

"Fuck, I'm thirsty, I could use a coke," he starts to get up, when the Russian interrupts him.

"No, no, no. Sit down,...

A man walks into a pub and asks the bar tender for the WiFi password.

The bar tender replies "You have to buy a drink first"
So the man buys a Coke.
"Ok now what's the WiFi password?"
The bar tender replies "you have to buy a drink first, all lower case, no spaces"

A bot walks into a sub and orders a rum and coke...

[Removed]

I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better!

But Columbian coke is especially great!

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