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I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for sitting on the coke rimmed toilet lid

I guess you could really say my ass is on the line this time.

I dreamt that I drowned in an ocean of Coke.

It turned out it was only a pep sea.

What did Gimli say after the elves poured him some coke?

THEY CALL IT A LINE!

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

A man goes up to his drug dealer and asks, “Hey, I want to try something stronger. Got any coke?”

His dealer shook his head. “Would Pepsi be okay?”

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Nobody asks how coke is doing...

It’s always “is Pepsi okay?”

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

The CEO of Coke was fired today

They found traces of Pepsi in his system....

Wait shi........

I remember a time where you could walk into the gas station with a quarter and leave with a candy bar and a coke.

Now there are cameras everywhere.

Why do people in the US get so happy when they drink coke?

Because it’s a merry can.

I went to the world of coke today...

I can say it's a lot better than the world of Coca-Cola.

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Sex is like coke...

You can’t put a finger on what it feels like in your mouth

What does a coke freak and a plumber have in common?

They both love to catch a drain.

In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.

Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping he...

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

My girlfriend is an alchemist. Last night she drank 8 rum & cokes.

Then she vomited 7-up.

My AA sponsor said coke & hookers are not an appropriate Birthday gift..

So i took my business elsewhere!

Got a can of coke for my girlfriend

Best trade ever

Went to the store to buy 6 cans of coke

But I accidentally picked 7up

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke

The bartender says “sure thing” and reaches below the bar. He puts an apple down in front of the guy and says nothing. The man says “sorry but I ordered a rum and coke.” The bartender says, “just take a bite.” So the man takes a bite and is surprised. “This tastes like rum.” He says. The bartender n...

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A friend of mine realized that he had to give up coke, drinking and fucking dirty hookers every day

During this time of abstinence, his physical health improved a lot. He put on some healthy weight and even some muscles. However, mentally he got really depressed, a total wreck. He was especially sad over his new sex life.

Long story short, now he's back at it again; drinking, taking cocaine...

Coke is too hard to work into a palindrome

**Bartender who talks in palindromes:** Yako, is Pepsi okay?

So, A man is pulled over......

A man stops on a traffic signal and is waiting.Suddenly the police asks him to pull over.He pulls over the car and and the police sees that the man is wearing his seatbelt and looks fine.

The police is satisfied and pleased to see a good samaritan.He hands the man $100 and says:

Police...

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price...

Customer: "Can I have a number 5 with coke?

Me: "I'm so sorry, maam, but we don't sell cocaine."

Manager: *pulls me aside* "Why the heck would you say that!?"

Me: *goes back to the customer* "My bad, we do sell cocaine".

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

A boxer used to do coke on his bocing gloves after winning.

That was the punch line.

How much coke did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

Sorry i dont do coke

I just like the way it smells

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A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Ba...

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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

I walk into a bar and order a rum and coke.

Bartender says, "is Pepsi ok?"
Yeah sure....He hands me a Pepsi and coke.

A man walks in to a bar and says "I'll have a rum and coke."

The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees.

The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

There once was a guy so dumb, he got sent to colombia for coke

He returned with pepsi

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a Jack and coke. The bartender says “I’ve got you” and hands him an apple.
“Youve got to be joking” said the man
“Just do it. Trust me” said the bartender

The man shrugged. What could be the harm in eating an apple anyway? He took a satisfying crunch from the...

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(NSFW) Three guys are hanging out together at a house. One is white, one is black, and one is Mexican. After doing a couple lines of coke, they are all revved up and horny. The white guy says “hey we should get a hooker and we can take turns for a little entertainment”

The other two guys agree this is a great idea and so the white guy makes a phone call to a pimp. Ten minutes later, a prostitute arrives.

After a few minutes of discussion, the white guy says “well I paid for her so I’m going first”. The other two guys, while annoyed, agree to this.

T...

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What do you call a bunch of porn actors on coke?

The lineup.

What do you call a stoner's Coke?

Baking soda

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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later...

An officer asked me "Do you have any coke?" I said "No, is Pepsi okay?"

The joke is I got arrested.

A polar bear walks into a bar

"A rum and … coke please." He asked the bartender.
"Certainly", replied the bartender, "but why the big pause?"
The bear looked down, "I don’t know, I was born with them.”

"I have the right to bear arms", the bear added.

Marines

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas,headed for Houston.. One sat in the window seat,the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off,an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes,wiggled his toes and was settling i...

A friend just grabbed my coke can and destroyed it.

That's soda pressing.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky-coke.

Barman : "Sorry Sir, we have only Pepsi".

The man : "I don't mind".

And the barman serves him a glass with half Pepsi, half Coke.

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

What does a Scandinavian coke addict do?

Snjort.

How do coke dealers meet women?

Pickup lines.

Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

I just got hit in the head with a can of coke

I’ll be fine because it was a soft drink

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I once persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her ass.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender g...

Batman order a drink. Waiter asks, "Pepsi or Coke?"

Batman responds, "Just ice."

Me: What’s the WiFi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first

**Me:** Okay, I’ll have a coke.

**Bartender:** Is Pepsi okay?

**Me:** Sure, how much is that?

**Bartender:** $3.

**Me:** There you go. So what’s the WiFi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first. No ...

What’s the difference between a bag of coke and a 4 year old boy?

Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a bag of coke fall out the window

A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"

It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"

The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.

"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen.

Now my nose bleeds once a month.

Personal trainer just got 10 years for dealing coke

I’ve been going to him for years. Just shows you never really know someone.

I genuinely had no idea he was a personal trainer

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

A lime, a lemon, and a pea walked into a bar...

The lime ordered a beer, the lemon got some tequila, and the pea got a diet coke. The lime and lemon watched pea order, and eventually tried to ignore their sense of disgust at a diet coke. They listen to the music being played, drink up their drinks, and eventually get off the stools and pay. As th...

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

A man walked into a bar and orders a drink...

“What’ll you have?” asks the bartender

Man - Anything but a Bud Light
So the bartender pours him a Jack and Coke

After a while the man again requests a drink.

Bartender - what will it be this time?
Man - Anything but a Bud Light
After then finishing his Old Fashioned, t...

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.

Why do Anti-Vaxxers drink Coke and Pepsi?

Because they think Dr, Pepper causes autism

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.

So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

Me: “I’m thirsty. I wonder if dad will be back soon with my Coke?”

Waiter: “Hi Thirsty, I’m not your dad..”

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

What did the alien say to the coke bottle?

Take me to your liter

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If you sniff coke off of someone's butt

...is it called crack cocaine?

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.

“What’s the occasion?” Asked the bartender

The man replies “I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

Bartender apologizes, the man downs his drink and leaves.

Same man comes in the next day.

...

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple

Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke

Bartender: just have a bite

Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!

Bartender: turn it around

Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!...

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A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

A man walks into a French bar...

and asks:

- "How much is a coke?"

- "5 bucks" answers the waiter.

- "I'll have one" answers the man while putting a 5 euros bill on the table.

- "But there's also 5 bucks for service" says the waiter

The man grumbles and adds another 5 euros bill on the table. The ...

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest... (nsfw)

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabb...

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."

The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

I had to buy my mother 144 ounces of coke.

They were out of 2-liters.

What does Batman have with his coke?

Just ice

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better!

But Columbian coke is especially great!

What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke

The snack that’s also crack

A man goes to a his doctor...

Man: Will coke help with diarrhea?


Doctor: Yes, if you manage to get the bottle stuck tightly enough.

What do English teacher and Coke dealers have in common?

Focus on the last line.

I got beaten up after I told a customer “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi okay?”

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, the man says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of lager please"

The ostrich says "and I'll have the same"

The cat then says "Gin & tonic for me, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender looks a bit perplexed but announces ...

What happened to the guy that drank 6 cokes?

He burped 7 up.

What's the difference between Pepsi and coke?

I don't like putting Pepsi in my coke.

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

I hate my job, all I do all day is crush Coke cans.

It’s soda pressing.

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

Had the choice between 3 Cokes and 4 Dr Peppers.

I picked seven up.

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

If I smash a bottle of coke on your head...

It probably won't hurt since it's soft drink

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The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

What is a coke-head’s favourite app?

Instagram

I tried snorting coke for the first time

I didn't like it, the bubbles tickled

Which state sells the smallest cans of coke?

Minisoda

A dwarf walks into a bar, he's very, very thirsty.

The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side.

He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He jumps up and down, saying ev...

What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

What’s the difference between a coke dealer and a dealer who sells other drugs?

A thin white line.

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Two guys walk into a bar

They go up to the barman who asks them what they want to drink. One guy asks for a pint and the other a vodka and coke. The barman reaches under the bar and produces the pint, then reaches under the bar and produces an apple.

The second man asks the barman he is doing so the barman tells him ...

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