A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and Coke

The bartender says "sorry to disappoint, but is Pepsi okay?"

It had been a long day, so the man said "yeah, that's fine"

The bartender turned to pour the drink, then handed it to the man.

"Here you go. Pepsi and Coke"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

I like American cola just fine, and Mexican cokes are even better!

But Columbian coke is especially great!

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It’s ironic Whitney Houston did all those Pepsi endorsements

Then over dosed on Coke

I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke

But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways

A man got hit in the head with a can of coke, but he was alright

Because it is a soft drink.

I was doing drugs with my friends and we ran out of coke, so we snorted some estrogen.

Now my nose bleeds once a month.

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you sniff coke off of someone's butt

...is it called crack cocaine?

I tried snorting coke once...

I tried snorting coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?

His blood tested positive for Coke.

No one asks how coke is doing.

They always ask "is pepsi ok?"

Had the choice between 3 Cokes and 4 Dr Peppers.

I picked seven up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Ba...

Personal trainer just got 10 years for dealing coke

I’ve been going to him for years. Just shows you never really know someone.

I genuinely had no idea he was a personal trainer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

What's the difference between Pepsi and coke?

I don't like putting Pepsi in my coke.

A coke user waits in line for a bar.

That’s the joke. Thought it was a good line, I bet it made you snort.

Two black guys are up all night doing cocaine...

When all the coke is gone, one of the guys can't stop running in circles. He looks to his buddy and says, "Dude I can't stop running, I need to go to the doctor." When they get to the doctor, one of the guy says, "Doc you gotta help us. We were up all night doing cocaine and now my friend can't stop...

What do English teacher and Coke dealers have in common?

Focus on the last line.

I hate my job, all I do all day is crush Coke cans.

It’s soda pressing.

I had to buy my mother 144 ounces of coke.

They were out of 2-liters.

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you’re likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you’re likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.®️

What does Batman have with his coke?

Just ice

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Arab guys get on a plane

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”

“No pr...

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

Whats the difference between a bag of coke and a 3 yr old kid?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out the window

If I smash a bottle of coke on your head...

It probably won't hurt since it's soft drink

What’s the difference between a coke dealer and a dealer who sells other drugs?

A thin white line.

I don't have a coke problem...

...I just love the way it smells.

If you snort coke, you get high. If you snort flour...

..you get baked.

...frighteningly, my 5th grader came up with this while we were having a discussion about drugs and what he might end up seeing in Middle School next year.

A man needs WiFi at the local pub.

A man goes into a local pub and has poor cell signal.

He asks for the WiFi password.

The bartender replies: “You need to buy a drink first.”

The man says fine and orders a Coke, which costs him $3. He then asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?”

The bartender answers: “Y...

What happened to the guy that drank 6 cokes?

He burped 7 up.

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

Id like to order a number 3 combo with a Mac n cheese side and large coke

Okay that will be $7.86 sir, what kind of drink would you like?

...

What did the Coke can say when we got crushed?

I'm soda pressed.

What is a coke-head’s favourite app?

Instagram

I just saw a video of someone crushing a 6 pack of Coke in a hydraulic press. All that wasted cola made me so sad.

It was soda-pressing

Do you know how much coke Charlie Sheen does?

Enough to kill two and a half men..

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?"

"Sure, whatever," I said.

So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

A polar bear walks into a bar

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I'll have a Bud Lite. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ....

What did the waitress do with the Coke before it was cool?

Serve it to a hipster.

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."

The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

My mom is a coke addict...

It's seriously tearing her apart, all the caffeine and artificial sweetner. It has to stop.

I tried snorting coke for the first time

I didn't like it, the bubbles tickled

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke

Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar

Man: "What's this?"

Bartender: "Try it"

Man: "It tastes like rum!"

Bartender: "Turn it around."

Man: "This side tastes like coke!"

Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartende...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ...

Which state sells the smallest cans of coke?

Minisoda

This kid threw a can of Coke into the trash and hit me...

Dont worry, it didnt hurt.
It was a soft drink.

TIL There's a huge, televised award ceremony for coke dealers held every year...

They call it the grammies

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar

He orders a rum and coke. The bartender fiddles around under the bar for a second and pulls out an apple. The guy is confused, he says, "no I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says, "just try it." So he bites it and it tastes just like rum! The bartender says, "now turn it around." And wow! It ...

I like my women like I like my scotch.

Eighteen years old and mixed up with coke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dicks and vaginas are like Coke and Pepsi.

I strongly prefer one, but my dad says they both taste the same.

Did you hear about the ex body builder who can no longer crush a coke can?

It's just soda pressing

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Charlie Sheen has a kilo of coke and five hookers, he does two eight balls and sends one of the hookers home, what does Charlie Sheen have?

AIDS, Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. B...

What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common?

Twice the taste, zero calories.

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the c...

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you remember the "Hold a coke with your boobs" challenge ?

It was a trend a while back to promote awareness for breast cancer.


I'm just glad a similar stunt wasn't pulled for prostate cancer.

Custody Case

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge ...

I can't remember if I bought a can of Coke or a bottle of Captain Morgan..

I always get them mixed up.

Soaking a twig in coke is nice, but soaking a twig in fanta...

Fanta stick.

Why couldn't the crumpled can of coke get out of bed in the morning?

Because it was soda pressed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”

The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.

The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” 

The bartender says “take a bite.”

The man ta...

Why did the confused coke-head join the klan?

He thought they were saying "White Powder"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sits down.

Bartender asks: "What can I get you?"

Guy says: "Jack and coke"

Bartender nods, goes under the bar, gets up, and puts an apple on the bar. The guy says, "I ordered a Jack and coke, what the hell is this." Bartender says "Just try it." The guy takes a bite and says to the bartender: "Ho...

A bot walks into a sub and orders a rum and coke...

[Removed]

I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of coke.

But when I got home, I realised I'd picked 7 Up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I would never suck dick for coke...

But I'd definitely suck dick for more coke.

You know how to make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of dead baby and a coke....

I never knew my wife could have so much fun with a cucumber, a banana and a coke bottle

Until I saw how happy she was making my lunch today.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest sitting in a confessional really needs to use the bathroom...

So he peeks his head out, spots the janitor, and waves him over.

Priest: "could you please sit in the confessional while I run to the bathroom? I'll be very quick!"

Janitor: "but what if someone comes in? I have no idea what to do..."

Priest: "no worries, just make them say seve...

No one is sure how much it cost Coke to sponsor the Paralympics,

but it undoubtedly cost an arm and a leg.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....