I got a job at UPS to get better at comedy...

I now have great delivery but my timing is all over the place.

A man learns that he has a Terminal Illness, and decides to go back to school to pursue his lifelong dream of being a Comedian, and joins a Comedy School.

He earned his Degree Post Humorously.

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

The lights went out at a comedy convention

And it became dark humor

The local morgue doubles up as a comedy club at night.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Dark Comedy

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.

You know, ive always been told tragedy plus time equals comedy

I was born 18 years ago and im still not funny.

I went to a comedy class recently to work on my stand-up

I’ve been going there for about a month now and the people are great and I’ve been having a good time, but recently I’ve been kicked out.

You see in this comedy club they have a drink and snacks table, I wasn’t that hungry but I was thirsty so I go to the punch but there was a long line.
...

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One day a new stage play was released that was supposed to be the #1 comedy of the year.

Unfortunately from the get go it had poor reviews frequently stating that it just wasn't that funny. The writer of the script was at a loss and was getting ready to cancel the show when his friend called.

He told him he had just watched the show and true to the reviews it was pretty terrible...

Whats the opposite of stand up comedy?

A sitcom.

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

What is Jeff Bezos's favourite comedy show?

"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

Stalin attends the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin repl...

I was doing stand up comedy at my school's ceremony

They thought I was used as an example by the drug awareness campaign

I've always wanted to do standup comedy

It's too bad I'm in a wheelchair

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

Why can't jokes be saved in a .csv file?

Because they are comma delimited.

(Comedy limited)

The first rule of comedy is repetition. The second rule of comedy is repetition. The third rule of comedy is, you guessed it...

Wear sensible shoes.

They all laughed when I said I was going into comedy

Haha, they're not laughing now!

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Where do students live in comedy school

Arsenio Hall

What's the difference between comedy and political correctness?

One is making light of a dark situation.

The other is making dark of a light situation.

A jihadist tried stand-up comedy.

He bombed.

I went thirsty at the comedy club.

The punch lines were terrible!

What does a kangaroo do when it gets COVID?

Pure comedy gold from my 10 year old:

What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.

Why did the cannibal bring his silverware to the comedy club?

He heard there would be an open Mike.

John Malkovich is like a comedy towel.

Everything he touches becomes dry humor

This just in, from The University of Dad Comedy...

All Dads are to now begin using Inside Jokes.

Today, I am revealing the three unwritten rules of comedy

1.

2.

3.

One moment Chris D’Elia’s the King of Comedy

the next he’s barely regal.

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

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I noticed that Netflix has a comedy channel called "Netflix is a Joke"

They should make a porn channel and call it "Netflix Sucks"

The only thing I take seriously.

Is comedy.

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

According to his biography, Bob Marley's two favourite interests were fashion and comedy.

Or, as he called them, Get Up and Stand Up.

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When im rich im building comedy clubs in all my bathrooms

Just for shits and giggles

My chiropractor recently started doing stand up comedy

He really cracks me up.

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

Dark comedy is like clean water.

Not everyone gets it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a CBT fetishist's favorite kind of comedy?

Slaps dick humor

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

I just watched a beautiful woman doing stand up comedy totally naked.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedy is pretty much the new rock and roll,

In the sense that there are multiple unprosecuted sexual predators

My buddy wrote a comedy routine about menorahs.

It was just a bunch of candle shtick.

There is a Monsters Inc Comedy Show in Disney World and you can send in jokes to be included, here's mine (it was included)

What's a swamp monster's favorite holiday treat.

Egg-Bog

Comedy is just....

Some antics with semantics

Dark comedy is like food

The best kinds use children as an ingredient.

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

We should thank Trump and Biden

For giving this great standup comedy night.

Comedy is hard. For example:

I tried writing a joke about toilets, but it tanked

If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time?

A repost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend, who`s a comedian, laughed his ass of during one of his shows

The doctor said, that he will never be able to sit again.

Luckily, he can continue performing Stand-Up comedy.

What’s one job Stephen hawking would be no good at?

Stand up comedy.

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

I thought getting a double limb amputation would be all right

But now I have nothing left.
Sleep deprived me has a very low bar for comedy.

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A ventriloquist at a comedy show is telling blonde jokes...

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stands up.

"I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like this? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you that keep women like me from being res...

Comedy!

Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everybody gets it

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

What’s Elon Musk’s favourite comedy?

Bambi

A child asked his mom what dark humour was. She said “You see that man in the wheelchair? Ask him to do stand-up comedy.”

The child answered “But mom, I’m blind!”

I was late to a comedy show and the guy on stage said why are you late that's rude

I told him sorry it's because my wife is pregnant

He then asked How long till the baby is due

I said about 9 months

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I was watching a comedy show the other night and listening to younger comedians talk about vaginas, sex, and drugs made me realize something... I don't find it funny anymore. I think I need some adult comedy, some high level stuff. you know like "anxiety and eminent debt walk into a bar....

They looking for me

10 puns entered the annual comedy contest of their town

At the end, someone from the audience asked - so who won ?

The judge replied : No pun in ten did

I’ve never really understood how jokes work

So one day I told my friends I was going to be doing some comedy. I even got a bouncer and rolled out a red carpet for this big event. I texted everyone I knew. I was so excited for it. However, when my friends showed up and saw me standing at the end of the carpet with boxing gloves on, they turned...

They say comedy is tragedy plus time.

I guess that means when I turn 40, I should be pretty goddamn funny.

When do sweet potatoes like to go to the comedy club?

Yamateur hour.

Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand up comedy

Well, no one's laughing now

A man gets sentenced to life in prison

On his first night there, his cell mate tells him there's a stand up comedy event.

They are sitting watching, and an inmate gets up and stands on the stage

"15", he calls out. The whole audience starts laughing.
"23", he continues. Hysterical laughter everywhere.

The man...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

Why didn't Stephen hawking host a talk show?

because he can't do stand-up comedy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor complaining about his dick...

"Doctor! My dick, it's turning orange!" "How many times do I have to tell you," responded the doc, "You have to stop eating Cheetos while you're masturbating!"

Note: This joke was much funnier when I heard it in a comedy club told by a quadriplegic man!

Apparently doing your homework while watching stand-up comedy is quite difficult

You'd have to read in between the lines

I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion

I got booed off the stage

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

A Terrorist Tries Stand Up Comedy for the First Time...

Let's just say he was the bomb.

A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.

"No."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to do stand up comedy with former WWE Superstar Rikishi

He was the butt of all my jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Puns are the number one highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number two.

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers

Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because comedy is subjective.

Here is a real life comedy story

A guy in Nepal got imprisoned when he made a review saying a movie was bad
He was accused of destroying the film industry and the career of the actors
Imagine the directors of the emoji movie knowing this

I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy.

She laughed.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

I am so honored to have had the privilege of performing my comedy in the biggest most pack venue in the world.

The internet-THANKS SO MUCH GUYS YOU'VE ALL BEEN GREAT!-LOVE YOU- GOOD NIGHT!

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people sto...

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