Dark Comedy

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.

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What does Stand up comedy and Sex have in common?

If you haven't heard any noise in a while, change what you're doing.

I just watched a beautiful naked woman do stand-up comedy.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

Vintage comedy

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.


The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.


The drun...

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam" .... (An original LOTR-themed meta-joke for you.)

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam."

With them was Gandalf, returned from over Sea with Frodo in tow just for the occasion. No one in living memory – at least now that the elves were all in the Undying Lands to...

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RIP Barry Cryer - a true comedy great

From his obituary:
> Cryer, the master of the comedy sketch and the instant one-liner, was once asked by the Yorkshire Post for his favourite joke. He recalled one he had told in a student revue in 1955.

>"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at ...

What do you get when you cross a comedy club with a morgue?

An open Mike night.

Stand up Comedy on Star Trek

Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

How to write a amy schumer comedy special

Step 1. Say a long rant about a part of genatalia
Step 2. Repeat step 1 for a hour and 30 minutes

Why is British comedy better than American comedy?

Because Americans leave u out of the humour

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

There are two types of comedy I enjoy:

Self-Defecating humor, and malaprops.

What's the opposite of stand up comedy?

A SITcom!

Jeez, that Comedy Festival at the beer factory really got out of control...

What a Brew Haha

What did the terrorist say after leaving the comedy show?

Wow, this blew up!

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

My friends told me I don't really get comedy

I think they were joking

At the Comedy Convention

There was riddles and knock-knocks jokes. But no puns attended.

Did you hear about the unprofitable chain of comedy clubs that went public through an IPO?

It has now become the laughing stock.

Why did Davey Jones get into comedy?

Because he was good at kraken jokes

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Why did I down a whole bottle of laxatives at a comedy show last night?

For shits and giggles

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

Osama Bin Laden tried doing standup comedy before terrorism

He bombed.

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

I applied to join an LGBT comedy group, but I got rejected.

I guess their routine doesn't need a Straight-Man after all.

I got a job at UPS to get better at comedy...

I now have great delivery but my timing is all over the place.

The lights went out at a comedy convention

And it became dark humor

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

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One day a new stage play was released that was supposed to be the #1 comedy of the year.

Unfortunately from the get go it had poor reviews frequently stating that it just wasn't that funny. The writer of the script was at a loss and was getting ready to cancel the show when his friend called.

He told him he had just watched the show and true to the reviews it was pretty terrible...

Why couldn't the comedian in a wheelchair get an audience?

He couldn't do Stand Up comedy!

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What's the secret to comedy? Timing.

Edit: *...shit.*

Is black comedy allowed on here?

Wanted to post a Kevin Hart joke.

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

Comedy = Tragedy + Time

Because every joke is a celebration that we're all still here to laugh about it. Here's to someday laughing at today's tragedies.

They all laughed when I said I was going into comedy

Haha, they're not laughing now!

Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members attending a premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

I don't trust Comedy Corporations.

I can tell they're all up to some funny business.

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy?

He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.

I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny.

It was a tough crowd.

What is Jeff Bezos's favourite comedy show?

"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

Hey, do you know where the best place in d&d 5e to hear stand-up comedy would be?

The Prime Material plane

If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time?

A repost.

I went to a comedy class recently to work on my stand-up

I’ve been going there for about a month now and the people are great and I’ve been having a good time, but recently I’ve been kicked out.

You see in this comedy club they have a drink and snacks table, I wasn’t that hungry but I was thirsty so I go to the punch but there was a long line.
...

Did you hear about the guy who wrote a comedy about a kid who sees dead people?

He had a sixth sense of humor!

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

This just in, from The University of Dad Comedy...

All Dads are to now begin using Inside Jokes.

Today, I am revealing the three unwritten rules of comedy

1.

2.

3.

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

Why did the cannibal bring his silverware to the comedy club?

He heard there would be an open Mike.

Dark comedy is like clean water.

Not everyone gets it.

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

What's the difference between comedy and political correctness?

One is making light of a dark situation.

The other is making dark of a light situation.

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

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A ventriloquist at a comedy show is telling blonde jokes...

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stands up.

"I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like this? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you that keep women like me from being res...

What’s Elon Musk’s favourite comedy?

Bambi

Comedy is hard. For example:

I tried writing a joke about toilets, but it tanked

My chiropractor recently started doing stand up comedy

He really cracks me up.

What's a demon's favourite kind of comedy?

Satyrical

I went thirsty at the comedy club.

The punch lines were terrible!

John Malkovich is like a comedy towel.

Everything he touches becomes dry humor

Dark comedy is like food

The best kinds use children as an ingredient.

My buddy wrote a comedy routine about menorahs.

It was just a bunch of candle shtick.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

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Daughter asks her mother: "Mom, can I go to the movies with my friend?"

"And what kind of movie are you going to watch?" said the mother.

"A Horror movie," the daughter replied

"Well, you can't," said the mother...

"To be all scared and get closer to him in the cinema."

"Well, what about an romantic movie then?" the daughter asked.

"Oh...

Comedy!

Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everybody gets it

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I noticed that Netflix has a comedy channel called "Netflix is a Joke"

They should make a porn channel and call it "Netflix Sucks"

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When im rich im building comedy clubs in all my bathrooms

Just for shits and giggles

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

A child asked his mom what dark humour was. She said “You see that man in the wheelchair? Ask him to do stand-up comedy.”

The child answered “But mom, I’m blind!”

One moment Chris D’Elia’s the King of Comedy

the next he’s barely regal.

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What's a CBT fetishist's favorite kind of comedy?

Slaps dick humor

What do you call a WW2 German Comedy troupe?

The Laffwaffe.

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

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Comedy is pretty much the new rock and roll,

In the sense that there are multiple unprosecuted sexual predators

Comedy is just....

Some antics with semantics

10 puns entered the annual comedy contest of their town

At the end, someone from the audience asked - so who won ?

The judge replied : No pun in ten did

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The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

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What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite Eddie Murphy Comedy Special?

^(it's fucking Raw)

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I used to do stand up comedy with former WWE Superstar Rikishi

He was the butt of all my jokes

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people sto...

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Puns are the number one highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number two.

I was late to a comedy show and the guy on stage said why are you late that's rude

I told him sorry it's because my wife is pregnant

He then asked How long till the baby is due

I said about 9 months

3 American Comedy shows walk into a bar and...

This punchline is not available in your country.

Sorry about that.

Why are you so funny?

Person 1: Why are you so funny?

Person 2: Well, comedy = tragedy + time...

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