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Comedy Jokes

Dark Comedy

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.

Why does Miss Piggy hate comedy?

Because her father got roasted.

If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time?

A repost.

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

What’s Captain Hook’s favorite style of comedy?

Deadpan

I just watched a beautiful naked woman do stand-up comedy.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

Did you hear about the suicide bomber performing at the comedy open mic night?

He had everyone in pieces!

What's got two thumbs and a poor grasp of visual comedy?

This guy!

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

I once tried to create a comedy routine based on the myth of Orpheus.

Looking back, it was a bad idea.

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Puns are the number one, highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number 2.

[fake] edit: It's your duty to post your best worst puns now.

They say comedy = Tragedy + Time.

So I started giving away watches at disasters.

What's the difference between a joke and a comedy?

Your life isn't a comedy.

Dark comedy is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

Vintage comedy

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.


The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.


The drun...

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

Comedy!

Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everybody gets it

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A ventriloquist at a comedy show is telling blonde jokes...

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stands up.

"I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like this? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you that keep women like me from being res...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

I love doing stand up comedy at the retirement homes.

And I know I'm really good because they laugh at the same jokes every week.

Chris Rock's new comedy special just came out on Netflix

it slaps

I was asked how did you start your stand up comedy….

…well I started walking first

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

Why is British comedy better than American comedy?

Because Americans leave u out of the humour

What's the difference between comedy and prosititution?

Comedy is where you pay someone so you can laugh at their jokes.

Prosititution is where you pay someone not to laugh at yours.

Stand up Comedy on Star Trek

Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side

The first rule of comedy is repetition. The second rule of comedy is repetition. The third rule of comedy is, you guessed it...

Wear sensible shoes.

At the Comedy Convention

There was riddles and knock-knocks jokes. But no puns attended.

Did you hear about the barista that ran the comedy club?

Every night was a real brouhaha!

I'm not saying woke culture is killing comedy...

..., but when I made a joke about my obesity, the crowd booed me and told me "How dare you!? You're handsome!"

I tried to start a comedy club in outer space once.

But sadly there was no atmosphere on opening night.

Why did the alcoholic tell bad jokes at the comedy club?

He did it for the boos.

What's the opposite of stand up comedy?

A SITcom!

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

What do ghosts say when they hear bad comedy?

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

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My local Chipotle is organizing a stand-up comedy night

I'm going for shits and giggles

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RIP Barry Cryer - a true comedy great

From his obituary:
> Cryer, the master of the comedy sketch and the instant one-liner, was once asked by the Yorkshire Post for his favourite joke. He recalled one he had told in a student revue in 1955.

>"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at ...

How to write a amy schumer comedy special

Step 1. Say a long rant about a part of genatalia
Step 2. Repeat step 1 for a hour and 30 minutes

Could somebody please tell the name of the 80's comedy based in a bar in Boston starring Ted Danson. I can't for the life of me remember it's name.

Cheers

During a history-themed comedy roast night, we couldn't decide whether to roast each other as ancient Roman gods or ancient Egyptian gods.

In the end, we agreed to diss a Greek.

Why did Davey Jones get into comedy?

Because he was good at kraken jokes

would you call a guy in a wheelchair doing a stand-up comedy

WHEELy good Comedy

I don't trust Comedy Corporations.

I can tell they're all up to some funny business.

My sign language comedy show got cancelled today

Apparently nobody there had heard of me

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In a way, comedy is like sex…

the more noise you hear, the better you think you’re doing.

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What's the secret to comedy? Timing.

Edit: *...shit.*

What’s Elon Musk’s favourite comedy?

Bambi

Comedy is hard. For example:

I tried writing a joke about toilets, but it tanked

Relatable comedy is the death of comedy..

Am I right?

I recently went to a comedy restaurant, and there was a chicken with a speech impediment on stage...

The food was great, but the yolks were terrible...

What is Jeff Bezos's favourite comedy show?

"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

I want to get into comedy, perhaps secure a Netflix special for myself.

Not necessarily because I am a funny man, but rather because I am a money fan.

The lights went out at a comedy convention

And it became dark humor

Osama Bin Laden tried doing standup comedy before terrorism

He bombed.

What did the terrorist say after leaving the comedy show?

Wow, this blew up!

I got a job at UPS to get better at comedy...

I now have great delivery but my timing is all over the place.

Is black comedy allowed on here?

Wanted to post a Kevin Hart joke.

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people sto...

What does the narcissistic cow say?

"Meeeeee!"

I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.

Comedy is just....

Some antics with semantics

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The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

Dark comedy is like food

The best kinds use children as an ingredient.

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What’s the difference between a magical girl’s comedy sketch and a female dog’s snappy comeback?

One’s a witch’s bit and the other is a bitch’s wit.

My friends told me I don't really get comedy

I think they were joking

Due to the lack of space, the city morgue and the comedy club will be in the same building

This Friday is open Mike night.

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

What's a demon's favourite kind of comedy?

Satyrical

Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

What’s a quality you look for in a good lawyer?

Lie-ability

(Just getting started in comedy and want to test a few of my jokes here).

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

This just in, from The University of Dad Comedy...

All Dads are to now begin using Inside Jokes.

I've always preferred silent comedy.

I do the comedy, everyone else responds with silence.

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

Thinking about a career in Comedy.

All I have to do is look at someone and they start laughing.

My chiropractor recently started doing stand up comedy

He really cracks me up.

I went thirsty at the comedy club.

The punch lines were terrible!

John Malkovich is like a comedy towel.

Everything he touches becomes dry humor

Comedy is like cancer...

You either give up or get better

My buddy wrote a comedy routine about menorahs.

It was just a bunch of candle shtick.

What's the difference between comedy and political correctness?

One is making light of a dark situation.

The other is making dark of a light situation.

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I recently did some stand-up comedy in a pub, My mate asked me how it went. "Brilliant," I replied, "It was better than sex." He laughed and said, "Is it because you actually heard a few groans?"

"No," I replied with a smile, "I lasted two minutes"

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What's a CBT fetishist's favorite kind of comedy?

Slaps dick humor

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

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Why did I down a whole bottle of laxatives at a comedy show last night?

For shits and giggles

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

Anti-vaxers musty love comedy,

'cause they just get everything.

You shouldn't do puns at a comedy show

They're groaners not showners.

Comedy is in my blood.

I just wish it were also in my jokes.

Today, I am revealing the three unwritten rules of comedy

1.

2.

3.

Why did the cannibal bring his silverware to the comedy club?

He heard there would be an open Mike.

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

3 American Comedy shows walk into a bar and...

This punchline is not available in your country.

Sorry about that.

Explaining comedy is like dissecting a frog.

F*cking gross.

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Comedy is pretty much the new rock and roll,

In the sense that there are multiple unprosecuted sexual predators

They say comedy is tragedy plus time.

I guess that means when I turn 40, I should be pretty goddamn funny.

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

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