Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand up comedy

Well, no one's laughing now

I attended a comedy seminar once... It was horrible, they needed more trees.

Because comedy comes in trees.

Comedy

Job interviewer: what is your biggest weakness?

Me: honesty

Job interviewer: that’s not exactly a weakness.

Me: I don’t care what you think.

Job interviewer: well maybe we should end this interview.

Me: Wait, lets go over what was just said. You asked me what my...

A child asked his mom what dark humour was. She said “You see that man in the wheelchair? Ask him to do stand-up comedy.”

The child answered “But mom, I’m blind!”

10 puns entered the annual comedy contest of their town

At the end, someone from the audience asked - so who won ?

The judge replied : No pun in ten did

They say comedy is tragedy plus time.

I guess that means when I turn 40, I should be pretty goddamn funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to do stand up comedy with former WWE Superstar Rikishi

He was the butt of all my jokes

A Terrorist Tries Stand Up Comedy for the First Time...

Let's just say he was the bomb.

When do sweet potatoes like to go to the comedy club?

Yamateur hour.

Comedy!

Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everybody gets it

What’s Elon Musk’s favourite comedy?

Bambi

I did a comedy routine for a paraplegics' charity event once

I got moderate applause, but I was disappointed when I didn't get a standing ovation.

I went to a comedy night at a haunted mansion

I got booed off the stage

Apparently doing your homework while watching stand-up comedy is quite difficult

You'd have to read in between the lines

Comedy is hard. For example:

I tried writing a joke about toilets, but it tanked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Puns are the number one highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number two.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers

Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.

"No."

I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy.

She laughed.

Ask me what the secret to comedy is.

What’s the secret to comedy?Timing.

This joke does not work via text format.

I'm thinking of setting up a comedy group to help people going through cancer treatment

I'll call it 'A Sense of Tumor'

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

I am so honored to have had the privilege of performing my comedy in the biggest most pack venue in the world.

The internet-THANKS SO MUCH GUYS YOU'VE ALL BEEN GREAT!-LOVE YOU- GOOD NIGHT!

Explaining comedy is like dissecting a frog.

F*cking gross.

If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time?

A repost.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

I like those comedy shorts you see on YouTube sometimes.

Or 'dwarves', if you want to be all politically correct about it.

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ventriloquist at a comedy show is telling blonde jokes...

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stands up.

"I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like this? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you that keep women like me from being res...

Anti-vaxers musty love comedy,

'cause they just get everything.

I got detained by security at a comedy club the other night.

I didn’t find the comedian’s joke very funny so they booked me for”resisting a jest”.

Here is some comedy gold for you

,d Au

Apparently Colin Kaepernick is pursuing a career in comedy

He’s landed some acting roles but he can’t do stand-up.

Relatable comedy is the death of comedy..

Am I right?

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people sto...

3 American Comedy shows walk into a bar and...

This punchline is not available in your country.

Sorry about that.

Comedy is in my blood.

I just wish it were also in my jokes.

The first rule of comedy is “The Rule of Threes”...

The second rule of comedy is “Subvert Expectations.”

I would make a joke about Amy Schumers comedy career

but im afraid nobody will laugh

A gorgeous woman doing stand-up at a comedy club

....and she's not doing so well. It's not that her delivery or stage presence is bad. It's simply because she's using extremely tired and outdated material. To put it frankly, the audience was sick and tired of hearing the same damn jokes that had been told time after time on that stage.

Afte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

LPT: If you are sick of hearing duplicate tracks on Spotify's stand-up comedy playlists,

Just delete all of the Amy Schumer material, and it should flow a lot smoother.

I sometimes do stand-up comedy for a leper colony.

My jokes have them all cracking up.

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I did my comedy routine on the toilet

It was a real shitshow

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

What do childbirth, comedy, and ordering pizza online have in common?

It’s all about the delivery

T.J. Miller has brought his comedy to a whole new level

At least when it comes to bombing

What's a Russian's favorite form of comedy?

Tsarcasm :D

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.