Dark Comedy

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.

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What does Stand up comedy and Sex have in common?

If you haven't heard any noise in a while, change what you're doing.

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

My friends told me I don't really get comedy

I think they were joking

You know, ive always been told tragedy plus time equals comedy

I was born 18 years ago and im still not funny.

Whats the opposite of stand up comedy?

A sitcom.

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

Osama Bin Laden tried doing standup comedy before terrorism

He bombed.

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

At the Comedy Convention

There was riddles and knock-knocks jokes. But no puns attended.

I applied to join an LGBT comedy group, but I got rejected.

I guess their routine doesn't need a Straight-Man after all.

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

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What's the secret to comedy? Timing.

Edit: *...shit.*

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

Comedy = Tragedy + Time

Because every joke is a celebration that we're all still here to laugh about it. Here's to someday laughing at today's tragedies.

I don't trust Comedy Corporations.

I can tell they're all up to some funny business.

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

I got a job at UPS to get better at comedy...

I now have great delivery but my timing is all over the place.

The lights went out at a comedy convention

And it became dark humor

Is black comedy allowed on here?

Wanted to post a Kevin Hart joke.

Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy?

He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.

I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny.

It was a tough crowd.

Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members attending a premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

Hey, do you know where the best place in d&d 5e to hear stand-up comedy would be?

The Prime Material plane

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One day a new stage play was released that was supposed to be the #1 comedy of the year.

Unfortunately from the get go it had poor reviews frequently stating that it just wasn't that funny. The writer of the script was at a loss and was getting ready to cancel the show when his friend called.

He told him he had just watched the show and true to the reviews it was pretty terrible...

The local morgue doubles up as a comedy club at night.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

One day, a blonde woman was driving her car through the countryside when she decided to listen to the radio.

The only available station was a comedy station that kept telling blonde joke after blonde joke, which made the blonde very annoyed.

She turned off the radio and decided to look at the scenery to calm herself down, but then she saw something even more infuriating. Another blonde woman was sit...

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

They all laughed when I said I was going into comedy

Haha, they're not laughing now!

I went to a comedy class recently to work on my stand-up

I’ve been going there for about a month now and the people are great and I’ve been having a good time, but recently I’ve been kicked out.

You see in this comedy club they have a drink and snacks table, I wasn’t that hungry but I was thirsty so I go to the punch but there was a long line.
...

What is Jeff Bezos's favourite comedy show?

"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

The first rule of comedy is repetition. The second rule of comedy is repetition. The third rule of comedy is, you guessed it...

Wear sensible shoes.

What's the difference between comedy and political correctness?

One is making light of a dark situation.

The other is making dark of a light situation.

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

Comedy

You are walking home at midnight and you hear from a far distance ₕₑₑ_ₕₑₑ you get a bit spooked and start walking faster. You can see your house in the distance but you hear it closer hee-hee u start running. As you are opening your door you hear behind you HEE-HEE. YOU RUN INTO THE HOUSE YOU LOCK Y...

Why did the cannibal bring his silverware to the comedy club?

He heard there would be an open Mike.

This just in, from The University of Dad Comedy...

All Dads are to now begin using Inside Jokes.

Today, I am revealing the three unwritten rules of comedy

1.

2.

3.

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

Dark comedy is like clean water.

Not everyone gets it.

I went thirsty at the comedy club.

The punch lines were terrible!

John Malkovich is like a comedy towel.

Everything he touches becomes dry humor

If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time?

A repost.

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

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I noticed that Netflix has a comedy channel called "Netflix is a Joke"

They should make a porn channel and call it "Netflix Sucks"

What do you call a drawing of a clown?

A comedy sketch.

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What's a CBT fetishist's favorite kind of comedy?

Slaps dick humor

According to his biography, Bob Marley's two favourite interests were fashion and comedy.

Or, as he called them, Get Up and Stand Up.

My chiropractor recently started doing stand up comedy

He really cracks me up.

Stand-up comedy is a great gig for a zombie.

Either they are dying up there, or they are killing it.

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When im rich im building comedy clubs in all my bathrooms

Just for shits and giggles

My buddy wrote a comedy routine about menorahs.

It was just a bunch of candle shtick.

When I was in the military we used to have comedy night, where everyone would sit and take turns telling jokes.

We didn't know many jokes however, so we made a list of all the jokes we knew, each joke had a number. For example, the "Everyone knows Dave" joke was number 10, the "Two priests in a bathtub" joke was number 15, and so on.

We always told the same jokes so we eventually memorized the whole li...

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A ventriloquist at a comedy show is telling blonde jokes...

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stands up.

"I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like this? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you that keep women like me from being res...

One moment Chris D’Elia’s the King of Comedy

the next he’s barely regal.

I just watched a beautiful woman doing stand up comedy totally naked.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

What do you call a WW2 German Comedy troupe?

The Laffwaffe.

Dark comedy is like food

The best kinds use children as an ingredient.

Thinking about a career in Comedy.

All I have to do is look at someone and they start laughing.

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Comedy is pretty much the new rock and roll,

In the sense that there are multiple unprosecuted sexual predators

Comedy is hard. For example:

I tried writing a joke about toilets, but it tanked

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

Comedy is just....

Some antics with semantics

A child asked his mom what dark humour was. She said “You see that man in the wheelchair? Ask him to do stand-up comedy.”

The child answered “But mom, I’m blind!”

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

Comedy!

Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everybody gets it

Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand up comedy

Well, no one's laughing now

What’s Elon Musk’s favourite comedy?

Bambi

An Interviewer goes to take the interview of a famous Film Critic .

The critic says that he had watched almost all the films in the world ,which were from all the countries in the world.
The Interviewer asks him whether he knew some Spanish films , and if he did, to name them .

He replies by saying he does and gives the names of some famous Spanish movi...

Why can't jokes be saved in a .csv file?

Because they are comma delimited.

(Comedy limited)

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What's Gordon Ramsay's favorite Eddie Murphy Comedy Special?

^(it's fucking Raw)

10 puns entered the annual comedy contest of their town

At the end, someone from the audience asked - so who won ?

The judge replied : No pun in ten did

I was late to a comedy show and the guy on stage said why are you late that's rude

I told him sorry it's because my wife is pregnant

He then asked How long till the baby is due

I said about 9 months

When do sweet potatoes like to go to the comedy club?

Yamateur hour.

Apparently doing your homework while watching stand-up comedy is quite difficult

You'd have to read in between the lines

A Terrorist Tries Stand Up Comedy for the First Time...

Let's just say he was the bomb.

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

They say comedy is tragedy plus time.

I guess that means when I turn 40, I should be pretty goddamn funny.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

What does a kangaroo do when it gets COVID?

Pure comedy gold from my 10 year old:

What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.

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I used to do stand up comedy with former WWE Superstar Rikishi

He was the butt of all my jokes

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Puns are the number one highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number two.

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people sto...

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers

Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

I did a comedy show for alzheimers sufferers. Two hours, one joke.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

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The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

3 American Comedy shows walk into a bar and...

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