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Dark Comedy

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she's seeing someone. It's either really terrible news or really great news.

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.

Why does Miss Piggy hate comedy?

Because her father got roasted.

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

I'm not saying woke culture is killing comedy...

..., but when I made a joke about my obesity, the crowd booed me and told me "How dare you!? You're handsome!"

What’s Captain Hook’s favorite style of comedy?

Deadpan

I recently went to a comedy restaurant, and there was a chicken with a speech impediment on stage...

The food was great, but the yolks were terrible...

I just watched a beautiful naked woman do stand-up comedy.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the comedy club stop serving prune juice at the bar?

Too many shits n giggles

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What’s the difference between a magical girl’s comedy sketch and a female dog’s snappy comeback?

One’s a witch’s bit and the other is a bitch’s wit.

Why did the alcoholic tell bad jokes at the comedy club?

He did it for the boos.

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My local Chipotle is organizing a stand-up comedy night

I'm going for shits and giggles

What's the difference between comedy and prosititution?

Comedy is where you pay someone so you can laugh at their jokes.

Prosititution is where you pay someone not to laugh at yours.

What is a paladin’s favorite comedy site?

Something lawful

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

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In a way, comedy is like sex…

the more noise you hear, the better you think you’re doing.

What do ghosts say when they hear bad comedy?

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

would you call a guy in a wheelchair doing a stand-up comedy

WHEELy good Comedy

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam" .... (An original LOTR-themed meta-joke for you.)

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam."

With them was Gandalf, returned from over Sea with Frodo in tow just for the occasion. No one in living memory – at least now that the elves were all in the Undying Lands to...

A 'your mom' joke, from around year zero, ancient Rome:

"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'

"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"


(I recently found ...

Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

Due to the lack of space, the city morgue and the comedy club will be in the same building

This Friday is open Mike night.

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RIP Barry Cryer - a true comedy great

From his obituary:
> Cryer, the master of the comedy sketch and the instant one-liner, was once asked by the Yorkshire Post for his favourite joke. He recalled one he had told in a student revue in 1955.

>"A man drives down a country lane and runs over a cockerel. He knocks at ...

Vintage comedy

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.


The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.


The drun...

Stand up Comedy on Star Trek

Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side

What did Selensky think when he quit Comedy to become the Ukranian president?

"I am so done with bombing!"

What’s a quality you look for in a good lawyer?

Lie-ability

(Just getting started in comedy and want to test a few of my jokes here).

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

What's the opposite of stand up comedy?

A SITcom!

Why is British comedy better than American comedy?

Because Americans leave u out of the humour

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

What did the terrorist say after leaving the comedy show?

Wow, this blew up!

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.

I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

I just got fired for making a typo. It’s unreal. Like IT’S A TYPO! It’s not a big deal.

Firstly, “ie” and “y” are often interchangeable. Secondly a neon sign saying “Comedy Here” is way less eye-catching. And thirdly, the client said it themselves, they’d never had so many people walk in their door.

Why did Davey Jones get into comedy?

Because he was good at kraken jokes

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Why did I down a whole bottle of laxatives at a comedy show last night?

For shits and giggles

If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time?

A repost.

What's the difference between The Joker and Dane Cook?

The Joker steals money and kills people, and Dane Cook steals jokes and kills comedy.

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

I got a job at UPS to get better at comedy...

I now have great delivery but my timing is all over the place.

At the Comedy Convention

There was riddles and knock-knocks jokes. But no puns attended.

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

They all laughed when I said I was going into comedy

Haha, they're not laughing now!

Jokes about erectile dysfunction aren’t funny.

They can never be used in stand-up comedy.

My friends told me I don't really get comedy

I think they were joking

The lights went out at a comedy convention

And it became dark humor

Osama Bin Laden tried doing standup comedy before terrorism

He bombed.

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One day a new stage play was released that was supposed to be the #1 comedy of the year.

Unfortunately from the get go it had poor reviews frequently stating that it just wasn't that funny. The writer of the script was at a loss and was getting ready to cancel the show when his friend called.

He told him he had just watched the show and true to the reviews it was pretty terrible...

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A comedian is in the dressing room of a comedy club when he sees this guy sitting in the corner...

He wonders why the guy is there but thinks nothing of it. Before the first comedian goes on stage, he approaches the guy in the corner and whips out his dick. The guy in the corner jerks him off real quick, then pulls up his pants and goes on stage.

One by one, each of the other comedians in ...

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What's the secret to comedy? Timing.

Edit: *...shit.*

Is black comedy allowed on here?

Wanted to post a Kevin Hart joke.

What is Jeff Bezos's favourite comedy show?

"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'....

I don't trust Comedy Corporations.

I can tell they're all up to some funny business.

Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy?

He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ventriloquist at a comedy show is telling blonde jokes...

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stands up.

"I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like this? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you that keep women like me from being res...

What do you call a witches comedy club in Mexico ?

A bruja-ja .

Comedy = Tragedy + Time

Because every joke is a celebration that we're all still here to laugh about it. Here's to someday laughing at today's tragedies.

I went to a comedy class recently to work on my stand-up

I’ve been going there for about a month now and the people are great and I’ve been having a good time, but recently I’ve been kicked out.

You see in this comedy club they have a drink and snacks table, I wasn’t that hungry but I was thirsty so I go to the punch but there was a long line.
...

I went to the gym to practice my comedy routine but nobody found it funny.

It was a tough crowd.

What’s Elon Musk’s favourite comedy?

Bambi

This just in, from The University of Dad Comedy...

All Dads are to now begin using Inside Jokes.

Hey, do you know where the best place in d&d 5e to hear stand-up comedy would be?

The Prime Material plane

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

Dark comedy is like clean water.

Not everyone gets it.

Why did the cannibal bring his silverware to the comedy club?

He heard there would be an open Mike.

Today, I am revealing the three unwritten rules of comedy

1.

2.

3.

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

A man accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

However, he does not find any success in the field. His jokes are poor and quite predictable. So, after a couple of weak performances, he quits comedy. Frustrated, he punches at a punching bag, and finds it weirdly satisfying. So, he decides to take up a career in professional boxing as a means to f...

Comedy is hard. For example:

I tried writing a joke about toilets, but it tanked

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

What's a demon's favourite kind of comedy?

Satyrical

My chiropractor recently started doing stand up comedy

He really cracks me up.

Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand up comedy

Well, no one's laughing now

Dark comedy is like food

The best kinds use children as an ingredient.

My neighbor's kid asked me what dark humor was...

So I told him to go over to the guy with no hands and tell him to clap. Then he said to me "I'm blind, so how do I know where he is?" And I said "Exactly."

Anyway, any visual comedy to him is dark humor.

My buddy wrote a comedy routine about menorahs.

It was just a bunch of candle shtick.

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

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