UPJOKE
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Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;

then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...

I'm gonna start a cocaine delivery service

I'll call it instagram

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A recent scam has popped up involving a prostitute, a bit of cocaine and a kitchen appliance

People have been falling for it, hooker, line and sink.

The cocaine that I bought is so white..

..That the cops just let it go with a warning.

I have a serious cocaine problem..

I can't find my cocaine.

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny…

But occasionally, a one-liner makes me snort

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What do coffee and cocaine have in common?

After having some good, you're gonna need to shit.

I was at a party and an old buddy of mine offered me cocaine. I said, "Buddy, I'm a father of three young kids..."



..."of course I'll do some."

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Did you hear about the guy who smuggled cocaine up his butt?

He was shitting bricks.

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

What do you get when a kkk member makes cocaine

WHITE POWDER

I’ve only done cocaine two times in my life..

..once for 2 years, and once for 5 years.

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

So Mike Myers was sent to jail for cocaine charges

Rumor has it his fellow inmates have started calling him Austin Powders

How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

I'm going as Cocaine for Halloween.

That way someone will do me in the bathroom.

What did Cocaine say when Morphine asked him out?

It sedate

The issue with Cocaine is...

...that its EXACTLY what its cracked up to be

I don’t always enjoy jokes about cocaine.

But some one liners make me snort.

"Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."

"10 kilograms you say?"

"Yeah, 5 kilograms"

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

When British people do cocaine, they don't do lines

They do queues.

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Why does cocaine help toddlers stop shitting their beds?

Because children should be Sheen and not Heard

Why did the cocaine addict go to Disney World?

Because he heard the lines were long

How do ducks get high?

Quack Cocaine

I'm sober now, I've actually only ever tried cocaine once

... for about 12 years

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

Just watched an interesting documentary on cocaine...

Going to watch all documentaries this way now!

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

A man was arrested for having 5 pounds of cocaine stashed in boxes of Lucky Charms.

The police found the whole ordeal as "magically suspicious".

I heard this great joke about cocaine

It was so funny that I snorted a little.

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Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

I don’t like cocaine

But I do like the way it smells

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

My Chinese flatmate asked "have you seen my cocaine?"

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"

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What's it called when you can't stop doing cocaine? Addicted.

What's it like when you smoke every day? Addicted.

If you have a compulsion to bet your money on the horses, you are -- addicted.

Who invaded Ukraine? A dick did.

Caffeine is just tamer cocaine

I guess you could call it diet coke

Fearful father finds an envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

What do you call bags of cocaine materials?

A crackoon.

Cocaine is never a solution...

Unless it's dissolved in water.

I have never done cocaine

but it smells amazing!

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What’s the difference between a woman and cocaine?

How sleepy you feel after a blowjob.

I'm open minded when it comes to trying drugs

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I absolutely hate and detest Cocaine...

But for some reason I love the smell of it.

What do you call the prophet with a cocaine addiction?

Nostril-Damus

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

Gas prices!

They say cocaine is a rich man's drug. I'm waiting to see people in business suits on the corner with a rag and a can of gasoline.

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

What do you call an intelligent cocaine?

A wise-crack.
And a cocaine who makes a lot of jokes?
A wisecracking wise-crack.

What do you get when you snort a mix of cocaine and speed?

Speed bumps

My local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...

...that he was a barber.

Cocaine isn't addictive

I've been doing it for 5 years i would know

They Told Me I Failed The Drug Test

I told them I just ate a poppy seed bagel.

They asked about the marijuana and cocaine.

I told them it was an everything bagel.

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A man is jogging in a park one day when he sees a 90+ y/o woman jogging faster than most people in the park.

She had frail white hair, weary eyes, freckles all over, and her face seemed hollow and bony. She looked quite thin, and was losing hair. He walks over to her, and says, "I noticed you jogging, and i must say, I'm quite impressed you've maintained yourself so well as to jog. Might i ask what's you s...

My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

My one friend does a ton of cocaine but says he won’t take the vaccine

Awfully scared of needles

Why can you find cocaine in every town and city?

It’s federally distributed.

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I was fucking worried when my son overdosed on cocaine.

But thankfully he hadn't used any of my stuff.

I have no problem with cocaine.

I've quit it 146 times.

What’s the difference between a toddler and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would *never* let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

petrol is so expensive

It will be cheaper to just buy cocaine and run everywhere

Boss talking to his colleague.

Boss: We're doing random drug testing today.


Colleague: Ok boss but I won't try crack cocaine.

I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

I was so sad when I heard Whitney Houston overdosed on cocaine

AND DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEIIIIIIIIIIEED

Why did the cocaine dealer retire?

He decided to stop putting his business into other peoples' noses.

My friends and family swear I’m addicted to cocaine, but I’m not.

I just like the smell.

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

I do a magic show where I make a bunch of marijuana and cocaine disappear.

Its all smoke and mirrors!

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

I got a part in a movie called Cocaine.

I only have the one line.

I don’t think I could ever do cocaine

I just think it smells weird

What do you call a guy who just left cocaine?

"OFF-White" ahem ahem.

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

Cocaine's a joke!

(Who's got the next line?)

Cocaine

It always cracks me up

Cocaine

I thought that might crack you up

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My new meth cocaine combo called methaine hasn't been selling well.

I think it's because it smells like shit.

What do ya call a truck carrying cocaine?

A pickup line

My friend’s life goal was to try cocaine from all the different countries in the world.

He finally stopped at the Finnish line.

I've developed a love for reading while doing cocaine..

One could say I read between the lines.

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My gf asked me if she could snort a line of cocaine on my erect dick,

I got so weirded out by this demand of hers that I had to dickline it.

[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount.

They called it "The Oregon Trail".

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

What do you call an unhealthy glow on your face after a week long cocaine bender?

Charlie Sheen.

I had a great joke about cocaine, but I can’t seem to remember it.

I’m really upset—-I had it all lined up.

Be careful who you buy drugs from. It might be laced. Mine was.

I found marijuana in my cocaine.

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How much cocaine can a smuggler sneak into prison?

a buttload.

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

What happens when you snort 12 lines of cocaine in Mexico?

You over Doce

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What is cocaine mixed with semen called?

A coconut

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