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Cocaine Jokes

Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;

then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

Drugs are not that bad But when it comes to cocaine

We’ve got to draw a line somewhere.

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

"Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."

"10 kilograms you say?"

"Yeah, 5 kilograms"

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Did you hear about the guy who smuggled cocaine up his butt?

He was shitting bricks.

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny.

But occasionally, an one-liner makes me snort.

I'm going as Cocaine for Halloween.

That way someone will do me in the bathroom.

How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

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A recent scam has popped up involving a prostitute, a bit of cocaine and a kitchen appliance

People have been falling for it, hooker, line and sink.

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers...

always sticking their business in other people's noses.

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

I was at a party and an old buddy of mine offered me cocaine. I said, "Buddy, I'm a father of three young kids..."



..."of course I'll do some."

Cocaine is never a solution...

Unless it's dissolved in water.

Jokes about cocaine do not make me laugh

But a good one liner will make me snort

I heard this great joke about cocaine

It was so funny that I snorted a little.

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

I’ve only done cocaine two times in my life..

..once for 2 years, and once for 5 years.

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What do coffee and cocaine have in common?

After having some good, you're gonna need to shit.

My local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i'd never known...

...that he was a barber.

I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

There’s a new “Door Dash” type service for cocaine.

It’s called “Insta Gram.”

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

My friend with a cocaine addiction recently quit.

It was the end of the line for him.

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Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

My Cocaine Is So White

Police Let It Go With A Warning

Cocaine isn't addictive

I've been doing it for 5 years i would know

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Why did the drug addict suffer an overdose of cocaine?

Because he crossed the line...

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

A 5-year-old brought a bag of cocaine to school; he said it made him feel like Spider-Man.

This may be the first time cocaine has been a gateway drug to Mary Jane.

I have never done cocaine

but it smells amazing!

A man was arrested for having 5 pounds of cocaine stashed in boxes of Lucky Charms.

The police found the whole ordeal as "magically suspicious".

So Mike Myers was sent to jail for cocaine charges

Rumor has it his fellow inmates have started calling him Austin Powders

What is difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

Just watched an interesting documentary on cocaine...

Going to watch all documentaries this way now!

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How much cocaine can a smuggler sneak into prison?

a buttload.

My Chinese flatmate asked "have you seen my cocaine?"

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"

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What do you call a donkey on cocaine?

An Ass Crack

If a cop finds cocaine in a women's bra

Is that a Drug Bust?

I don’t like cocaine

But I do like the way it smells

My friends all say I'm a cocaine addict, but I disagree.

I just like the smell.

What did Cocaine say when Morphine asked him out?

It sedate

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What's it called when you can't stop doing cocaine? Addicted.

What's it like when you smoke every day? Addicted.

If you have a compulsion to bet your money on the horses, you are -- addicted.

Who invaded Ukraine? A dick did.

Why did the cocaine addict go to Disney World?

Because he heard the lines were long

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What’s the difference between a woman and cocaine?

How sleepy you feel after a blowjob.

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

I'm sober now, I've actually only ever tried cocaine once

... for about 12 years

Caffeine is just tamer cocaine

I guess you could call it diet coke

What do you get when you snort a mix of cocaine and speed?

Speed bumps

I got a part in a movie called Cocaine.

I only have the one line.

My one friend does a ton of cocaine but says he won’t take the vaccine

Awfully scared of needles

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I was fucking worried when my son overdosed on cocaine.

But thankfully he hadn't used any of my stuff.

I have no problem with cocaine.

I've quit it 146 times.

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

Excerpt from a newspaper, "Cocaine found on sidewalk"

"On Oct. 19, a small bag of a white powdered substance was found laying on the sidewalk of 50th Street and 49th Avenue in Sedgewick. The substance was determined to be cocaine.

"The owner of the cocaine is welcome to come into the Killam/Forestburg RCMP detachment to claim their property."...

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Why does cocaine help toddlers stop shitting their beds?

Because children should be Sheen and not Heard

What do you call the prophet with a cocaine addiction?

Nostril-Damus

Why is cocaine the alt-right's favorite drug?

White powder!

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

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A man gets pulled over by the police...

The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No I don't officer," he replies

"You were speeding. That's going to be big ticket in this area."

"Well, you caught me, and while I'm at it, I might as well be honest with you. I have a dead body in the trunk along with some...

What do you call an intelligent cocaine?

A wise-crack.
And a cocaine who makes a lot of jokes?
A wisecracking wise-crack.

What do you call bags of cocaine materials?

A crackoon.

Why can you find cocaine in every town and city?

It’s federally distributed.

A recent study shows that a weird side effect of doing too much cocaine is really glossy skin.

Scientists are calling it the Charlie Sheen.

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A drug addict stumbles upon a magic lamp

A drug addict stumbles upon a shiny lamp. As soon as he picked it up, ... pufff... a Genie appeared from the smokes.

"I shall grant you **three wishes**!", the genie said.

The drug addict, without hesitation: "Let's do a line of cocaine for both of us"

Poof... A line of cocaine ...

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

I absolutely hate and detest Cocaine...

But for some reason I love the smell of it.

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A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

Why did the cocaine dealer retire?

He decided to stop putting his business into other peoples' noses.

What drugs do ducks do?

Qwack cocaine

I do a magic show where I make a bunch of marijuana and cocaine disappear.

Its all smoke and mirrors!

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

Cocaine

It always cracks me up

What do you call a guy who just left cocaine?

"OFF-White" ahem ahem.

They arrested Bob the barber for selling cocaine!

I've been his faithful customer for 5 years and I don't even know he's a barber!

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My new meth cocaine combo called methaine hasn't been selling well.

I think it's because it smells like shit.

I was so sad when I heard Whitney Houston overdosed on cocaine

AND DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEIIIIIIIIIIEED

My friend’s life goal was to try cocaine from all the different countries in the world.

He finally stopped at the Finnish line.

My friends keep calling me a cocaine addict, but that's a lie...

I just REALLY like the way it smells.

I've developed a love for reading while doing cocaine..

One could say I read between the lines.

If you came across 10 kilos of cocaine in the back of a rental car, what would you do?

Cocaine

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What is cocaine mixed with semen called?

A coconut

I’ve invented a new brand of cocaine that will literally blow your head off.

I call it Kurt Cocaine.

They say just doing a little cocaine wont lead to addiction

So I just do a small line every 30-45min

I tried rock cocaine today.

It wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

I had a great joke about cocaine, but I can’t seem to remember it.

I’m really upset—-I had it all lined up.

What do you call an unhealthy glow on your face after a week long cocaine bender?

Charlie Sheen.

A cocaine guy, weed guy and crack guy had one thing in common.....

They all take the “high” way to their destination.

What does a norwegian guy sounds like when snorting cocaine?

snjort

My friend lost his acting job in our local play because of his addiction to cocaine.

He kept blowing his lines.

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