The oldest known British joke dates from the 10th century.

Found in a book of Anglo-Saxon poetry, it reads: "what hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?

Answer: A key."

The three greatest disaster of the 20th century:

hiroshima '45

chernobyl '86

windows '95

What do I have in common with the 20th century?

In our 20s, we both suffered from a Great Depression

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

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What do you call a Spanish Ass Pirate from the 17th century?

A conkeesterdor.

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to the local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 8th century?

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?

I'm Gladiator.

Twenty-five years.

Twenty-five years, and I never killed a single person until a few months ago. Now I'm on death row for multiple charges: manslaughter, murder, negligence.

After the first, I thought it was over. I thought nothing of the fact that the Sheriff warned me I would be sentenced to death if it happe...

Did you know that the Vatican is interested in horticulture?

They've been cherry picking since the 4th century CE.

The year 2120 in a classroom.

Teacher: "That anti-vaccination movement eventually died out in the beginning of the 21st century."

Student: "I'm glad they finally came to their senses."

Teacher: "No. It was Polio."

What did the 18th century German composer say when he needed to use the bathroom?

“I’ll be right Bach, I need to make a movement”

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

And they just loved it. They couldn't make mayonnaise quick enough.

Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.

Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise we...

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I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

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Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

President Obama goes to visit the Queen of England.

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama is warmly welcomed by the Queen. They are driven in a car to the edge of central London, where they get into a magnificent seventeenth-century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on toward Buckingham Palace and wave to the...

The first picture of a black hole was released today

but technology will need another century before it can capture an image of your mom.

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

Chopper.

The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins.

He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"

The General gets all ex...

Decade: 10 years

Century: 100 years

Millennium: 1000 years

Together forever: 8 months!!!!!!

17th century painter Peter Paul Rubens walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender asks “how are you going to pay for that?”
Peter Paul Rubens says “put it on my tab. I’m baroque.”

What would you call a famous president in the 17th century?

Baroque Obama.

Why didn't 18th century composer George Frideric Handel go shopping while he lived in London?

Because he was Baroque.

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.

The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question.



"I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?"



The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been here for 300 years and I'v...

What did the 8th century Anglo-Saxon king say when his brother tackled him?

Get Offa me

Charles ran a successful fur business in early 20th century New York.

He was always humane about the treatment of his animals before they were killed and made sure the rest of the animal didn't go to waste. However, rather than making a massive profit, he'd often donate warm fur clothes to poorer children. He lived comfortably, but always tried to maintain his philant...

Really busy century in heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a ...

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

I asked my dad to borrow a newspaper. "We don't waste paper in the 21st century, here use my iPad" he said

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him...

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The 21st century is turning 18!

It's time for it to get properly fucked

Biggest joke of the century:

"Computers and mobile were meant to save our time"

Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century?

It's a bayou tapas-tree.

18th Century Arms Dealer Receives Concussion on First Day at Work

A burgeoning blunderbuss broker braved and bore the brunt of a bludgeoning to the brain.

People call me the most disoriented U-boat captain of the 20th century...

Oops wrong sub.

The most difficult, complex, confusing, controversial, enraging, emotional, and thought provoking question of the 21st century....

Are you male or female?

What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern?

No, seriously, I want to know.

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My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers

Girls Gone Wilde.

A wealthy gentleman began to chat with a poor woman on the streets of 17th century London

He asked how many children she had.

“Six,” she answered.

“Here is a sixpence for them,” he responded, handing her a coin.

“No, sir,” she said proudly, “I will not sell my children.”

Which is the shortest century?

The twenty-second century.

In the 18th century it was common practice to ignore negative numbers

People stopped at nothing to avoid them

The concept of drilling for oil was ridiculous in the mid 19th century.

Now we just see it as groundbreaking.

Turning water into wine is so first century.

If Jesus wants my attention now, he'd do better turning my liberal arts degree into something useful.

Where does a 19th century Russian imperialist get his coffee?

Tsarbucks.

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Why do 19th century western women insist on staying in the kitchen?

It's easier to control the arsenic.

My girlfriend made me watch a movie with her about how women struggled during their menstrual cycles in the 18th century.

It was a period piece

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