What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?

I'm Gladiator.

Chopper.

The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins.

He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"

The General gets all ex...

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I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

Did you hear about the storm of the century in Columbus?

Neither did I because, It was just rain and the lightning never showed up.

What did the 18th century German composer say when he needed to use the bathroom?

“I’ll be right Bach, I need to make a movement”

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

And they just loved it. They couldn't make mayonnaise quick enough.

Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.

Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise we...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

17th century painter Peter Paul Rubens walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender asks “how are you going to pay for that?”
Peter Paul Rubens says “put it on my tab. I’m baroque.”

Why didn't 18th century composer George Frideric Handel go shopping while he lived in London?

Because he was Baroque.

What's the difference between a 19th-century American pioneer and a termite exterminator?

One passes through the good west and the other gasses through the wood pests.

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

Hershey bars have dominated chocolate for over a century

It's nearly 2019 now. Is anyone else not offended we still don't have a Himhe bar?

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do n...

My friend asked if I wanted to be the Terminator or a 17th century composer for halloween

So I said "I'll be Bach"

A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.

The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question.



"I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?"



The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been here for 300 years and I'v...

What would you call a famous president in the 17th century?

Baroque Obama.

There's an 18th century family

The children want to play horsey with their dad.

Child 1: All those in favor of father being the horse say Aye

Child 2: Aye

Child 1: Aye

Child 2: Father, what do you say?

Father: Neigh

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3 Europeans arrive in 18th century North America

They all get captured by native americans who want to kill them, but the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed not to kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit at which point they will be informed what to do with it. So t...

What did the 8th century Anglo-Saxon king say when his brother tackled him?

Get Offa me

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

Charles ran a successful fur business in early 20th century New York.

He was always humane about the treatment of his animals before they were killed and made sure the rest of the animal didn't go to waste. However, rather than making a massive profit, he'd often donate warm fur clothes to poorer children. He lived comfortably, but always tried to maintain his philant...

Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century?

It's a bayou tapas-tree.

I asked my dad to borrow a newspaper. "We don't waste paper in the 21st century, here use my iPad" he said

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him...

Which is the shortest century?

The twenty-second century.

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The 21st century is turning 18!

It's time for it to get properly fucked

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons

“What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?

Answer: A key.”

18th Century Arms Dealer Receives Concussion on First Day at Work

A burgeoning blunderbuss broker braved and bore the brunt of a bludgeoning to the brain.

Biggest joke of the century:

"Computers and mobile were meant to save our time"

The most difficult, complex, confusing, controversial, enraging, emotional, and thought provoking question of the 21st century....

Are you male or female?

People call me the most disoriented U-boat captain of the 20th century...

Oops wrong sub.

The year 2120 in a classroom.

Teacher: "That anti-vaccination movement eventually died out in the beginning of the 21st century."

Student: "I'm glad they finally came to their senses."

Teacher: "No. It was Polio."

Really busy century in heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a ...

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My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers

Girls Gone Wilde.

What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern?

No, seriously, I want to know.

A wealthy gentleman began to chat with a poor woman on the streets of 17th century London

He asked how many children she had.

“Six,” she answered.

“Here is a sixpence for them,” he responded, handing her a coin.

“No, sir,” she said proudly, “I will not sell my children.”

In the 18th century it was common practice to ignore negative numbers

People stopped at nothing to avoid them

The concept of drilling for oil was ridiculous in the mid 19th century.

Now we just see it as groundbreaking.

Turning water into wine is so first century.

If Jesus wants my attention now, he'd do better turning my liberal arts degree into something useful.

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Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

Where does a 19th century Russian imperialist get his coffee?

Tsarbucks.

My girlfriend made me watch a movie with her about how women struggled during their menstrual cycles in the 18th century.

It was a period piece

TIL 19th century philosopher William Jacob Walsh once predicted a more sophisticated information public information network may result in less objective and reliable information being distributed, rather than the reverse

Of course, this will really only be funny if this joke makes the front page and people don't immediately realise I posted this on r/jokes and made up William Jacob Walsh

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison insta...

The Lord of an 19th century English manor is having an affair with one of his chambermaids...

One day the chambermaid is giving him a blow-job when she hears the lady of the house approaching. She stops what she's doing and looks up at him. At that moment, he climaxes and manages to get some right in her eye.

It's messy and burning, she runs to the door, rubbing her face and tearing u...

My professor gave me an F for my essay on late 19th century European history....

It turns out there was a lot more to it than "everything changed when the Germans attacked"

19th century monarchy humor, anyone?

So Otto von Habsburg walks into a sports bar, sees a game on, and asks the bartender who's playing. "Austria and Hungary," he replies. Otto: "Yeah, who are they playing against?"

Why does the Buick Century have that name?

It's the average age of someone who drives one.

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

How do you package a 21st century classical jazz singer?

Buble wrap

Sorry 😜

The Hot-Headed Doctor (a 4th century joke taken from the oldest recorded joke book, The Philogelos).

Consulting a hotheaded doctor, a fellow says, "Professor, I'm unable to lie down or stand up; I can't even sit down!" The doctor responds: "I guess the only thing left is to hang yourself."

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