I asked my son if I could have the phone book. He laughed, shook his head: "You're so last century!", and handed me his mobile.

Long story short: the spider is now dead, son's phone is smashed and son is distraught.

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

and as you can see, they were Wright.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

What would a 19th century Russian sci-fi be called?

Tsar Wars.

The "teen" years of the 21st century didn’t end in 2019 like they were supposed to

Twenty-Thir TEEN
Twenty-Four TEEN
Twenty-Fif TEEN
Twenty-Six TEEN
Twenty-Seven TEEN
Twenty-Eight TEEN
Twenty-Nine TEEN
Quar-an TEEN

Who is 6’5”, ripped, and loves 17th century European architecture?

Dwayne ‘Baroque’ Johnson

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do n...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

Job security in the 21st century.

That’s the whole joke.

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Why did Hitler end up in heaven?

He killed the wurst man of the 20th century.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was offered the role of the main character of a movie about an 18th century German composer?

“I’ll be Bach”

The oldest recorded English joke dates back to the 10th Century AD. and goes:

"What hangs at a mans thigh and
wants to poke the hole that it's
often poked before?
Answer: A key'

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

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I read that 18th century scrambled eggs called for a quarter pound of butter

That recipe sure had a pretty large margarine of error.

If Jesus had lived at the beginning of the 20th century

All the little Catholic children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks!

The three greatest disaster of the 20th century:

hiroshima '45

chernobyl '86

windows '95

How does a pirate cat-call in the 21st century?

Yo-ho!

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

What do I have in common with the 20th century?

In our 20s, we both suffered from a Great Depression

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

In honor of Father's day, a dad joke

There is a rumor that a movie about a 17th century classical composers will be made. It will even star Arnold Schwarzenegger among others.


He'll be Bach

My pet fox died...

It’s no wonder, ‘cause he was a 20th Century Fox.

What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?

I'm Gladiator.

Your typical rock band

In my history of Rock and Roll class, chapter 13 focused on the early rock artists post punk era. At the very beginning of the chapter the band King Crimson is briefly mentioned, they seemed to have qualities that later artist would adopt and were quite popular, with songs such as 21 century schizoi...

I was in the library one day, when a black friend of mine came in and asked if I knew where the color printer was.

I said "Buddy, it's the 21st century, you can use any printer you want."

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What do you call a Spanish Ass Pirate from the 17th century?

A conkeesterdor.

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

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A 40 years old man goes to a circus show

He went there to remind himself of his most precious childhood memories, but mostly because the flyers advertised a pretty peculiar act.

The clowns, the animals, the magicians, all did their part but by the end of the show enters a little old man in his seventies, wearing a bathrobe. The old ...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

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I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

What's the difference between a 19th-century American pioneer and a termite exterminator?

One passes through the good west and the other gasses through the wood pests.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

And they just loved it. They couldn't make mayonnaise quick enough.

Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.

Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise we...

I was going to tell a joke about 18th century philosophers...

But I just Kant.

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

I feel the classical musicians from the 17th and 18th century were not financially well-off.

Because they come from the Baroque era.

Why didn't 18th century composer George Frideric Handel go shopping while he lived in London?

Because he was Baroque.

Did you hear about the storm of the century in Columbus?

Neither did I because, It was just rain and the lightning never showed up.

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How many redditors does it take to make a good joke?

A million: 1 to make the joke, and 999,999 to repost it every fucking day for the next century.

One for the classical music fans [OC]

For those who aren't, Herbert von Karajan was an acclaimed symphony conductor in the 20th century. You need to know that his name is pronounced approximately "KAHRY-on."

Not many people know it, but the maestro actually had a second career outside of music, he was a successful luggage designe...

A middle aged man was walking home one friday .

Instead of taking his company bus he decided to walk up the mountain road ,see the beautiful sunset and take a train on the other side. His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d...

17th century painter Peter Paul Rubens walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Bartender asks “how are you going to pay for that?”
Peter Paul Rubens says “put it on my tab. I’m baroque.”

What would you call a famous president in the 17th century?

Baroque Obama.

My friend asked if I wanted to be the Terminator or a 17th century composer for halloween

So I said "I'll be Bach"

Really busy century in heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a ...

Hershey bars have dominated chocolate for over a century

It's nearly 2019 now. Is anyone else not offended we still don't have a Himhe bar?

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"

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Three Guys Die and Get to go to Heaven (long)

So they're waiting for God to get to and judge/reward them. God finishes with others and gets to them. Standing before them, he says, "Alright. You three get to go to heaven. Here's what's gonna happen. You think carefully and tell me what you would really love for the rest of eternity. I will set a...

African chief whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies

There was this African chief at the turn of the last century whose obsession was to conquer other chiefs and take their thrones as trophies. These thrones he would collect and display in the second level of his magnificent palace just above his own luxurious throne. This palace was renowned for its ...

What did the 8th century Anglo-Saxon king say when his brother tackled him?

Get Offa me

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

I asked my dad to borrow a newspaper. "We don't waste paper in the 21st century, here use my iPad" he said

I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him...

Charles ran a successful fur business in early 20th century New York.

He was always humane about the treatment of his animals before they were killed and made sure the rest of the animal didn't go to waste. However, rather than making a massive profit, he'd often donate warm fur clothes to poorer children. He lived comfortably, but always tried to maintain his philant...

Biggest joke of the century:

"Computers and mobile were meant to save our time"

There's an 18th century family

The children want to play horsey with their dad.

Child 1: All those in favor of father being the horse say Aye

Child 2: Aye

Child 1: Aye

Child 2: Father, what do you say?

Father: Neigh

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The 21st century is turning 18!

It's time for it to get properly fucked

What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern?

No, seriously, I want to know.

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My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers

Girls Gone Wilde.

Did you hear about the plant in Baton Rouge Louisiana thats been producing spanish food since the 11th century?

It's a bayou tapas-tree.

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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What do you call a 20th century grammar nazi?

Alt-Write

18th Century Arms Dealer Receives Concussion on First Day at Work

A burgeoning blunderbuss broker braved and bore the brunt of a bludgeoning to the brain.

The most difficult, complex, confusing, controversial, enraging, emotional, and thought provoking question of the 21st century....

Are you male or female?

Which is the shortest century?

The twenty-second century.

A man and his dog walk into a bar.

The man says to the bartender, "Look, this dog can talk. Let me ask him some questions, and he'll answer."

The bartender looks sceptical, but says, "Okay, pal, you're on."

"Rex, what's on top of a house?"

The dog barks. The man says, "See there, he said 'roof'!"

The barte...

In the 18th century it was common practice to ignore negative numbers

People stopped at nothing to avoid them

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Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

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