Chuck Norris Jokes

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

Chuck Norris killed 50 enemy combatants with a grenade

Then the grenade exploded.

Chuck Norris called 911

And asked if they needed help.

What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't wear shoes to protect his feet from the ground...

He wears them to protect the ground from his feet

Chuck Norris actually died four years ago

Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris told a joke about Jada Smith.

Will Smith then smacked her.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

Chuck Norris caught COVID-19 and the prognosis is not good.

Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

(Credit: u/DrOctopusMD)

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double

….for crying scenes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris Once Jizzed in the Ocean

That's why we have sperm whales.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

Chuck Norris was shot today

The bullet is in critical condition

Once, Chuck Norris reached a point of no return….

…..and returned.

Chuck Norris was petting a tiger.

Suddenly the tiger began to utter a soft growl. The trainer said, "get up slowly and back away." So, the tiger did.

Saw a clip of Chuck Norris telling this himself.

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...

...and it looked away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Chuck Norris never have to flush the toilet?

He just scares the shit out of it.

Chuck Norris...

...built a hospital so his mother could give birth to him.

Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword

Then 20 more without the sheath

Chuck Norris admitted to using stunt doubles in his films

But only for the crying parts

They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris…

Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin

And giraffes were born

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Fuck Chuck Norris ..

If he is as strong and powerful as everyone states, I dare him to come to my house and bash my head in the keyboarddfrljkl;kjtpog496yasdfjknxirhsmfsjfigdjsyebxhsueyxbxjdobdbzhcvhsivdbdindgdyhdbisbdbdhbshhshsudjshgsidbbdhdydhdbksjdbdyyshdbuendheibdjdidn

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

**Chuck Norris is so tough he counted to infinity. Twice.**

Chuck Norris got ambushed by terrorists with a $5,000,000 ransom

If the money wasn’t paid within 24 hours, the terrorists would be beheaded

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris was born by his aunt…

because nobody dared to fuck his mother

Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris goes to a pride parade, everyone goes straight home..

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

If Chuck Norris hadn't existed...

Chuck Norris would have invented him.

Chuck Norris parks his car in a no parking zone to buy some groceries. When he returns to his car, he sees a cop standing there. „Is that your car?“, he asks.

„Yes, what‘s the problem?“, asks Chuck.

The cop points at the big no-parking sign and says: „Sorry Sir, it looks like we put that sign in the wrong place.“

What is your best Chuck Norris joke(I’ll start)

Chuck Norris doesn’t pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can recite the entirety of pi.

Backwards.

Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number

You answered the wrong phone

They put Chuck Norris in Schroedinger's box, and when they opened it...

...he was STILL both dead and alive.

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

Chuck Norris...

...eats his Cap'n Crunch with no milk

Chuck Norris was never circumcised...

Doctors did everything they could during the procedure including an intense 4 hour emergency surgery, but sadly they were unable to repair the injured knife and it passed away while on the operating table.

Chuck Norris...

...CAN see John Cena

Do you know why no one tells Chuck Norris "Chuck Norris" jokes?

They don't want to risk him perceiving the "punchline" as a threat!

Chuck Norris doesn't unpeel bananas...

He unbananas peels

Chuck Norris went on Family Feud once...

He played the game by himself because no families want to start a feud with him

(OC?) Chuck Norris once told a girl "Good night"

Now, the world knows her as Sleeping Beauty

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table...

Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris once

-injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.
They are now known as King Kong, Moby Dick, and Godzilla.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

Did you hear about the fight between Chuck Norris and Superman?

The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside

Chuck Norris got his wife pregnant

During foreplay

When Chuck Norris was born…

The doctor said “Congratulations! You have two healthy parents.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris lost his virginity to the Statue of Liberty.

Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man is Chuck Norris’s baby picture.

Waffles didn’t exist until Chuck Norris punched a pancake.

Chuck Norris’ security guard…

…is grateful to have Chuck protecting him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear they're recalling Chuck Norris' new toilet paper?

Apparently, it's rough, tough, and doesn't take crap off anybody.

Chuck Norris chopped an onion

The onion cried.

Chuck Norris can trisect an angle...

...With only a straight edge and a compass

Chuck Norris

Recently, a theater in Texas held a 3D showing of Walker: Texas Ranger.

There were no survivors

Chuck Norris hit the longest home run in MLB history

He also caught that ball

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking...

...and asks for seconds.

I don't understand why everyone says Chuck Norris is awesome.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at my front door.

Chuck Norris has farted only once in his life.

It was during a vacation to the Sahara forest.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room

The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

Chuck norris joke. Had to.

There is no future. That’s just the present running away from Chuck Norris. That’s why they say there’s no tomorrow.

Chuck Norris went into Burger King and ordered a Big Mac.

And he got one.

Chuck Norris Once Picked A Apple from a Orange Tree.

He made lemonade from it.

We really need to stop with all the Chuck Norris jokes!!!

Do you want him to find out you’re laughing at him?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris daughter lost her virginity

He found the guy. And he got it back.

When Chuck Norris was a kid

His parents slept in his bed when they were scared

Chuck Norris went to court once.

The judge turned to him and opened with, “Your Honor, may I speak freely?”

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone...

He saw he had 10 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got the COVID vaccine

The vaccine is now immune to everything

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

Chuck Norris has been sentenced to death

The judge’s beheading will take place in 3 days.

Chuck Norris does not eat honey...

He chews bees

What do you get when you cross a parrot with Chuck Norris?

I don't know, but I'd give him the cracker if I were you.

One day, Chuck Norris was hit by a car

He then rushed the car to the nearest garage and paid for it's repair.

Chuck Norris was abducted by aliens.

Now they can't remember the experiments.

I’m fed up with all these Chuck Norris jokes on this Sub!

If he’s such a tough badass, I dare him to come over here and smash my face against my keybhrbhdbvdggdvrvvhdhdbsbhdhebb

Chuck Norris challenged Superman to a manliness competition

Whoever lost had to wear underwear over their pants.

Chuck Norris

They wanted to add Chuck Norris' face to Mount Rushmore, but the granite is not hard enough for his beard.

I once dreamt of having a fight with chuck norris.

I woke up with a black eye and swollen face.

Chuck Norris plays a very important role in star wars

he's the force.

Chuck Norris once got into a car accident

The airbags saved his car

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris’s popularity by making a potty training seat for toddlers with Chuck Norris’s image on it.

But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar

The bartender says “I’ll have a beer”

It's not that Chuck Norris jokes are making a comeback.

He's just allowing you to laugh at them again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris skipped school two days in a row...

Those days are now Saturday and Sunday.

When Chuck Norris went to his first driving lesson

He got in the car and said “Ok. This is lesson number 1.”

What did Chuck Norris tell his father before he went off to college?

"you're the man of the house now"

if chuck norris owned and operator an oyster bar...

it would be called shuck norris

Chuck Norris once went skydiving without a parachute...

The place where he collided with the earth is now known as the Marriana's trench.

Sekiro once parried a round-house kick from Chuck Norris

If you were wondering why there's no Sekiro 2, now you know

Chuck Norris went to the doctor for surgery

When the doctor woke up from sedation, Chuck gave him a lolly pop and wished him a good day.

I fear the day will come when Chuck Norris is no longer with us…

…that will be the day everyone dies except Chuck Norris.

Did you know Chuck Norris prays three times per day?

Yeah, he checks if God needs anything.

Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

Do you know why there qre so many Chuck Norris jokes, but not many Bruce Lee ones?

Because Bruce Lee is no joke

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.

Because all of his genes are dominant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At what age did Chuck Norris lose his virginity?

Trick question, Chick Norris never loses!

Chuck Norris once stepped on a crack, it apologized and fixed his mom's back.

There was a posts I found last night where people shared Chuck Norris jokes and I wanted to share a (hopefully) original one.

The only game Chuck Norris has ever lost was Russian Roulette.

He’s lost a few times, actually.

When Chuck Norris' code throws exceptions, it's across the room.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. And then the grenade exploded....

Chuck Norris Joke

A priest, Jesus and Chuck Norris are on a sinking boat. Jesus starts to walk back to land. Chuck Norris does the same. The priest says "Lord, please let me walk on water", tries to walk but drowns. When Jesus and Chuck Norris got on land Jesus asked him "Shouldn't we have told him where the stones a...

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