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Keynote Jokes

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The sex conventions keynote speaker was asked to talk about reproduction

He stands up, says ‘It gives me great pleasure…”, and sits back down.

It’s been a nightmare trying to find a keynote speaker for our first ever Impostor Syndrome conference..

Everyone I’ve asked has told me that they don’t deserve to be there.

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A scientist is giving keynote speech about dissolvable food for babies

"Imagine if we lived in a world where you no longer had to worry about your children eating and getting food stuck in their airways...'

Gasps of amazement come from the crowd

"Imagine if they could still enjoy all of their favourite foods without any danger and don't need to be constan...

What did the wheelchair-bound software developer say when asked to speak at an Apple Keynote?

"Sorry, but I don't do stand-up comedy."

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The aliens studying Earth hold a conference. The keynote speaker stands, and after welcoming the attendees and the usual pleasantries, he begins, "Ladies and gentlebeings, for seventy of its years, we have studied this planet...

"As you know, our primary research method is to abduct a local sapient and probe its rectum. After these many years, and thousands or millions of rectal probes, we have definitively learned exactly one thing.

"One in six of them likes it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The true story of an amazing cock-up [NSFW]

This was told to me as a true story.

There was a cardiology conference in the US, and the keynote speaker was a distinguished Scottish surgeon, Dr. Cockburn.

When it was nearly time for his keynote speech, the M.C. was introduced to him.

"Frank, I wanted to introduce you to our ...

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