With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions.........

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?...

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

Damn. My wife just found out that after I got my Bachelor degree at the University of Barad-dûr, I went back and got my Masters there...

I've been found guilty of second-degree Mordor.

What do you call a doctor with an online degree?

A Wikipediatrician

The recipe said to put my cake in the oven at 180 degrees.

I did, and it fell out.

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

TIL that Jane Goodall had a degree in business.

Monkey Business.

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

I received my degree in calligraphy today...

I don’t think it's going to help me get a job, but it looks good on paper!

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

What do you call a Jewish man with four college degrees but isn’t a lawyer or a doctor?

A disappointment to his mother.

An man goes in for a job interview. Unfortunately, he is told that his degree and experience are not enough and he is turned away.

The man decides he's gonna get that job whatever it takes. So he first gets large round head, big furry ears and big black nose. Then, he begins to grow grey-brown and white fur all over his body and claws extend from his fingers and toes. Finally, he thinks he's ready. So clutching his eucalyptus l...

I'm dyslexic but hoping to get a law degree.

One that I can really sue.

My daughter didn't tell me she was studying a math degree

Must have been discreet math

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting...

People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-ye...

Did you hear about the comedian who got a degree in agriculture?

He got a job on a funny farm.

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? "Why does it work?" What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? "How does it work?" What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? "How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal
arts degree ask? "you want fries with that?"

What do you call a can that earns a degree?

A graduated cylinder.

My friend told me, “You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

I have degrees in psychology,economics and politics.

I don't have a job but at least I know why.

What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0 K boomer

Graduate degree fishing

So there’s a guy who wants a graduate degree, but he’s not sure what he wants to study. He remembers a time in his youth where he learned about all different types of fish and things used to catch fish. That memory intrigued him. So he started looking into marine biology, but thought, nah that’s not...

I am surprised to see my college degree finally has some public utility

Maskcommunication

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

Every time I see a femboy I will:

Turn 360 degrees and walk away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lighting a Fart

I tried to light a fart today, it didn't go well and I had to go to the doctor with Turd Degree Burns.

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

Three liberal arts degree students walk into a bar

Next week, it was a Starbucks cafe

After spending a semester of my engineering degree studying the construction of the channel tunnel.

I can reveal it was dug by a huge boring machine.

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should’ve custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulation...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree?

Doctor Who

I guess you could say I'm educated

To a degree

It's 69 degrees right now in December

I didn't realize it would be this nice out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

What's the difference between a Pizza and a Lib-arts degree?

A pizza is able to feed an entire family.

A man learns that he has a Terminal Illness, and decides to go back to school to pursue his lifelong dream of being a Comedian, and joins a Comedy School.

He earned his Degree Post Humorously.

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

When I was going for my medical degree, I spent a lot of time on the Hippocampus.

The University of Hull has a ton of fat birds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Laotian businessman opened a small store in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotians in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were a bit rowdy and so...

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

What do you get with water at 69 degrees?

Noice

What do you say to someone with a degree in art?

Hamburger and fries, please.

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

They asked me if I have a degree in theoretical mathematics.

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor

One night, three women go out to celebrate their college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, “I just gradu...

Homeless man strikes up a conversation with a lady

A homeless man starts speaking to a young lady in a bar one night. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree. Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?" The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology an...

Did you hear about the discerning entomologist with a degree in accounting?

He was into fine-ants.

60 seconds have passed in this 90 degree weather...

It's been a hot minute.

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

Teacher: "What is a compliment to a 45 degree angle?"

Student: "My you're looking acute today."

Math teacher: "What do you call an angle of 90 degrees?"

Me: "Fahrenheit or Celsius?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

Do you know which questions is the most asked by someone with a college degree in art or history?

Do you want fries with that?

What do you call a drug dealer with a math degree?

A methematician.

In Alaska, it’s 50 degrees below zero.

It is so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

My wife just got her degree in procrastination.

She said she would pick it up next week.

Mike Tyson just received a graduate level certification in advanced calculus.

He calls it his Mathsters Degree.

The wife of Korean immigrant was bed ridden with a high fever.

She hadn't had consciousness for a while and she was a burning 40 degrees Celsius. Worried, the husband tries to call for an ambulance, using his broken English.

"911 emergency, how can we help you."

"Wife in bed. She so hot."

"Okay... good for you."

Where do nuts get a degree from?

M-acadamia

I got a 72 on my IQ test

Not proud, but C's get degrees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl recently graduated prostitution college with the highest honours.

She was awarded her degree cum louder.

A person with an engineering degree asks...

...how things work.

A person with a psychology degree asks why things work.

A person with an art degree asks, "would you like fries with that?"

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Over.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision...

What do you call a monk with a philosophy degree?

A deep friar.

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

A grandma is shopping with her grandson

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.

The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: DEGREE, put the toy back"!

A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, "Is that his name?" The grandma replied "Yes! I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back !"

What do you call a serial killer who kills 2 people in one year, 4 the next, and 16 the year after?

A second degree murderer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy from the country attended the prestigious university in the city.

With his degree, he got prizes in mathematics and metaphysics. The lad's father came up to the college to see his son graduate.

"Weel, Dr. Thompson" asked the old farmer to a professor, "And what may these mathematics be for which my son has getten a prize?"

"Mathematics is to do with ...

Walks into a bar...

Paddy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "sure and begorah I'll be havin' a bit of a nip to ward off the chills."
The bartender replies, "But it's 80 degrees outside!"
Paddy says, "Aye, but have ye seen the look in my wife's eye lately?"

Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and its worthless the next day.

What do you do to stay cool when it’s 100 degrees in NYC?

Dress as a cop.

Mary has a Master's degree in physical science. Each day, she asks, "Why does this work?"

Kevin has a Master's degree in mechanical engineering. Each day, he asks, "How does this work?"

Jack has a Master's degree in economics. Each day, he asks, "How much does this cost to manufacture?"

Joe has a Master's degree in chemistry. Each day, he asks, "Could this be hazardous to t...

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the em...

On Mercury's unlit side, it can get as low as -183 degrees Celsius...

But hey, on the bright side, it's 467 degrees Celsius.

Why is the Sun so smart?

It has a lot of degrees

Two battleships were out at sea during heavy weather for several days...

The visibility was poor with patchy fog, so the captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.

Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, "Light, bearing on the starboard bow."

"Is it steady or moving astern?" the captain called out.

Lo...

Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 98 Degrees.

I hate boy bands.

I was getting my hair cut the other day...

...and the girl cutting my hair mentioned she had a degree in cosmology. So I asked her whether she thought the cosmic background radiation was the best evidence for the big bang. She said big bangs would not look good on me, and that's the moment when I noticed the diploma on the wall that said "...

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Me...

What's the difference from when you've just started school, to when you've completed a philosophy degree?

When you just start school you know nothing about anything. But when you complete a philosophy degree you know everything about nothing.

I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree...

He said "Sodium Bromate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.

When I was 20...

and got an erection, I couldn’t bend it with both hands.

When I was 30, I could bend it maybe 15 degrees with both hands.

When I was 40, I could bend it 30 degrees with one hand.

Now that I’m 50, i can bend it all over the place with 2 fingers.

My question is....just how ...

Having a fever made me even hotter

And for the cherry on top I gained a couple degrees

The Doctors told me I was just Six Degrees from dying of Kevin Bacon

Fortunately, Bacon was cured.

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