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It's 15 degrees outside, what do you do?

You better hope youre not a fucking American!

Why did the 90 degree angle fall in love with 60 degree angle?

Cause it was a-cute angle

You should never put anything in the oven at 180 degrees...

You are just going to drop all the food...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A degree in agriculture is great to have.

It allows you to work in a variety of fields.

I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree?

A meateorologist

In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .

. . . lousy Marx

It's true, I received a second degree sunburn on my head!

No cap

Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.

It was Celsius because he had a degree.

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

Instructions said to preheat oven at 180 degrees

Not sure i'll try this recipe again, turning the oven upside down was a real back breaker...

Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees

before it comes off in your hand.

So I was baking a premade pie and the instructions told me to put it in the oven at 180 degrees.

Now I'm left with an upside down pie in an oven.

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A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs.

The doctor says to the nurse, "Give him two Viagra." The nurse asks, "How will that help?" The doctor replies, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

I got an honours degree in calligraphy.

To be honest I don't think it's going to help me get a job,
But it looks good on paper...

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions.........

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?...

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

What do you call a doctor with an online degree?

A Wikipediatrician

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

Vintage comedy

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.


The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.


The drun...

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

Damn. My wife just found out that after I got my Bachelor degree at the University of Barad-dûr, I went back and got my Masters there...

I've been found guilty of second-degree Mordor.

I got a third degree burn the other day

Needless to say it was getting on my nerves

Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

I just got myself a Motown fridge

It stays at a steady Three Degrees, Four Tops.

TIL that Jane Goodall had a degree in business.

Monkey Business.

[Long] This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Canadian Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

My daughter didn't tell me she was studying a math degree

Must have been discreet math

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

I'm dyslexic but hoping to get a law degree.

One that I can really sue.

Romania won 4 Olympic medals this year in Tokyo. 3 of them are from either sweep or sculling.

They must have a high degree of row mania over there.

An man goes in for a job interview. Unfortunately, he is told that his degree and experience are not enough and he is turned away.

The man decides he's gonna get that job whatever it takes. So he first gets large round head, big furry ears and big black nose. Then, he begins to grow grey-brown and white fur all over his body and claws extend from his fingers and toes. Finally, he thinks he's ready. So clutching his eucalyptus l...

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

What do you call a Jewish man with four college degrees but isn’t a lawyer or a doctor?

A disappointment to his mother.

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?

In degrees Karenheit.

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A business man is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he's in need of a haircut and doesn't have much extra time...

He remembers there's a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he's back on his way.




A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.





"Hello again Sir." the barber says. "What can I do for you?"


<...

Waiting on God

There once was an old lady, with 3 grown sons, who was losing her house. She told them, "Don't worry, boys, I've been praying and the Lord will come through for me!"

The next day, one son wins the lottery. She's happy for him, but she won't accept any money to save the house. She says, "I'm...

What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0 K boomer

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

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A Laotian businessman opened a small shop in London.

He was very quiet and diligent with his bookkeeping. He always made sure to help out his employees when he could, typically hiring other Laotian immigrants in the area who were struggling to find work.

Among these employees was a group of three friends from Surrey. Although they were rowdy an...

The hot farmer

A hot, sweaty farmer walks into a bar and orders a cold beer. "Dang, our baler broke down in the field today, and its humid and 100+ degrees out," the farmer complains. "I'm so hot and sweaty from repairing that thing that I just want to rip off all my dirty, sweaty clothes and run around the bar in...

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Yeah, I suck.

Lighting a Fart

I tried to light a fart today, it didn't go well and I had to go to the doctor with Turd Degree Burns.

Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting...

People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants...

...He said, "Botony?"

I said, "Not yet, but when I get my degree I will be able to afford a bunch."

What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family.

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

What do you call a can that earns a degree?

A graduated cylinder.

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

Did you hear about the comedian who got a degree in agriculture?

He got a job on a funny farm.

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask? "Why does it work?" What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask? "How does it work?" What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask? "How much will it cost?"

What does a graduate student with a liberal
arts degree ask? "you want fries with that?"

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Needing a license to drive a car is fine.

I can understand needing a permit to carry a firearm.



I guess needing a degree to practice medicine makes sense -



But having to register to be a sex offender is just too much.

Have you heard of the American temperature doctor?

His degree was in Fahrenheit.

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree?

Doctor Who

I have degrees in psychology,economics and politics.

I don't have a job but at least I know why.

Graduate degree fishing

So there’s a guy who wants a graduate degree, but he’s not sure what he wants to study. He remembers a time in his youth where he learned about all different types of fish and things used to catch fish. That memory intrigued him. So he started looking into marine biology, but thought, nah that’s not...

What do you say to someone with a degree in art?

Hamburger and fries, please.

It's 69 degrees right now in December

I didn't realize it would be this nice out

Was fighting with wife over the thermostat

She wanted it at 72 degrees.

I wanted 66 degrees.

We settled on 69.

Not sure either of us was ultimately satisfied.

Three liberal arts degree students walk into a bar

Next week, it was a Starbucks cafe

A Degree in Gynaecology.

On the whole it's very educational.

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

After spending a semester of my engineering degree studying the construction of the channel tunnel.

I can reveal it was dug by a huge boring machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Winnipeg man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then ...

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor.

Full disclosure, I got this joke from Tom Jones on Marc Maron's WTF podcast today. Tom's 80, mentally spry like he's 30, and he swears like a sailor.

----
90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Says “Doctor, it used to be that I’d get these erections so hard that I couldn’t even bend them ...

my dad tells a dad joke

so i tell my dad "im cold" and he responds with "go stand in the corner its 90 degrees

A guy was buying mangoes at a junction from a street vendor and while waiting for his change he saw an old woman and a little girl.

The little girl was walking a bit faster than the old woman which made the old woman shouting; " Degree wait for me". The guy was astonished after hearing such an unusual name. So to satisfy his curiosity he walked closer to the old woman and asked; "Mam, why do you call your granddaughter Degree?" ...

They asked me if I have a degree in theoretical mathematics.

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

What do you get with water at 69 degrees?

Noice

I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree...

He said "Sodium Bromate."

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

Teacher: "What is a compliment to a 45 degree angle?"

Student: "My you're looking acute today."

In Alaska, it’s 50 degrees below zero.

It is so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor

60 seconds have passed in this 90 degree weather...

It's been a hot minute.

What do you call a drug dealer with a math degree?

A methematician.

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A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.

Did you hear about the discerning entomologist with a degree in accounting?

He was into fine-ants.

Who won the argument between the 20 degree angle and the 90 degree angle

The 90 degree angle because 90 degrees is always right

What do you get when you touch a phoenix?

Bird-degree burns.

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

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Man made climate change is really annoying me!

I wish the jerks that keep changing the climate would just set it at 70 degrees Fahrenheit year round and be done with it!

Do you know which questions is the most asked by someone with a college degree in art or history?

Do you want fries with that?

Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and its worthless the next day.

My wife just got her degree in procrastination.

She said she would pick it up next week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

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In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

My friend told me, “You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

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