UPJOKE
highlevelgradedoctoratemagnitudeextentintensitydiplomaundergraduatepostgraduategraduateacademiclowtemperature unitarcminute

I just graduated with a degree in Egyptology.

So now I am qualified to teach more students Egyptology. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of pyramid scheme.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

A Pure Mathematics degree is useless…

I want a Pure Mathematics radian.

A history degree is useless

Because there's no future in it.

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

You hear what happened when the triangle tried to make all its angles 90 degree?

Didn't end well, I hear it's a wrecked angle now.

What kind of degree does a shipyard recieve?

A dock-torate

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Steven Seagal is a 7th degree master of Kukido.

Kukido is the martial art that enables you to fight an opponent, while discreetly checking his pockets for cookie dough. KUKIDO!

What did the 90 degree angle say to the 60 degree angle?

Aren’t you a cute one.

Degrees

The graduate with a science degree asks,
'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks,
'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks,
'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks,
'Do you want fries with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend just got a degree in volcanology.

He graduated Magma Cum Lava.

To what do pachyderm’s owe their medical degrees?

Their Hippocampus.

What do you call a column with a degree?

A graduated cylinder

What does a doctor with a comedian degree do?

He leaves the patients in stiches

If you want to be smart, get a degree.

If you want to be right, get ninety degrees.

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics?

For splitting an Adam.

I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree...

He said "Sodium Bromate."

As I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree.

"Why am I here?"

I just finished a college degree in Philosophy.

Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.

I've just accidentally let slip to the family that I lied about earning my biology degree.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

I have a Masters Degree in Procrastination

I just haven't picked it up yet.

A degree in agriculture is great to have.

It allows you to work in a variety of fields.

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

It got up to 93 degrees today

which is pretty good for a fella my age.

In geometry class, the teacher went up to the board and drew a 23 degree angle.



She then drew a 67 degree angle. The class was astonished when the angles started talking! The first one said "That's a lovely blouse you're wearing." and the second one chimed in "And I love what you've done with your hair."

The students asked the teacher if she knew what was going...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.

What do you call a man who can perform any task to an adequate degree and keeps a holy woman on a leash?

Jack of all trades, master of nun.

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Instructions said to preheat oven at 180 degrees

Not sure i'll try this recipe again, turning the oven upside down was a real back breaker...

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

What's the difference between a pizza and an art degree?

A pizza doesn't deliver an art degree

I got an honours degree in calligraphy.

To be honest I don't think it's going to help me get a job,
But it looks good on paper...

Why did the second degree black belt go to jail?

He held up a pair of pants.

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

TIL that if you press and hold 0 on your keyboard it turn into degree (°)

As both have no values.

A Degree in Gynaecology.

On the whole it's very educational.

What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0 K boomer

In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .

. . . lousy Marx

Degree

I was waiting for a green light when I saw an elderly woman walking with a small child.

The excited young girl was walking slightly faster than the old lady, so the woman yelled, “Degree! Wait for me!”

Intrigued by such a unique name, I got out of the car and asked why she called the ...

I have degrees in Politics, Economics and Psychology.

I don't have a job but at least I know why.

It's 69 degrees outside

Feels good.

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

I got a third degree burn the other day

Needless to say it was getting on my nerves

TIL that Jane Goodall had a degree in business.

Monkey Business.

I'm dyslexic but hoping to get a law degree.

One that I can really sue.

I got a degree in psychology and a degree in reverse psychology.

I didn't learn a thing.

Degree

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: "Degree, put the toy back"!
A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, is that his name?

The grandma replied "Yes I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back

Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees

before it comes off in your hand.

I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree?

A meateorologist

My daughter didn't tell me she was studying a math degree

Must have been discreet math

You should never put anything in the oven at 180 degrees...

You are just going to drop all the food...

What kind of tree has branches with angles that all add up to 180 degrees?

A Trigonome-Tree.

College Degree

Forget everything you've learned in college, you wont need it here.

I didn't go to college.

Oh sorry you're not qualified for the job

Why was the 40 degree angle so nice to the 50 degree angle?

Because its very complementary!

Three liberal arts degree students walk into a bar

Next week, it was a Starbucks cafe

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

It's 69 degrees right now in December

I didn't realize it would be this nice out

Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and its worthless the next day.

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

A person with an engineering degree asks...

...how things work.

A person with a psychology degree asks why things work.

A person with an art degree asks, "would you like fries with that?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs.

The doctor says to the nurse, "Give him two Viagra." The nurse asks, "How will that help?" The doctor replies, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

In Alaska, it’s 50 degrees below zero.

It is so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Why was the 89 degree angle not trusted

He's never right

My wife just got her degree in procrastination.

She said she would pick it up next week.

I can't stand the ignorance of some reddit commenters

The reason they do this is because they want to show what they know about the issue, it gives them sense of worth and want to feel validated. I know this because I ~~have a degree in psychology~~ saw a youtube video

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree?

Doctor Who

60 seconds have passed in this 90 degree weather...

It's been a hot minute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man got into an accident and got third degree burn

The doctors told his wife that only her butt cheek's skin is suitable for a plastic surgery for her husband's burnt face

The wife agreed.

Operation was done and the man look even more handsome than before.

After 1 year past, the husband randomly asked his wife..

Husband: ...

Did you hear about the comedian who got a degree in agriculture?

He got a job on a funny farm.

A doctor who was proud of his degrees...

always had them hanging in his office. His BS in Biology, PhD in Microbiology, and his MD were framed and hung behind him.

One day his clinic caught fire and he was caught inside the burning building. They were finally able to pull his unconscious body from the rubble and rushed him to the em...

Did you hear about 90 degrees?

It made the hypotenews

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Texas we don't measure temperature in degrees

It's either "hot as balls" or "cold as shit."

They asked me if I have a degree in theoretical mathematics.

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

I'm not impressed by Brian May's astrophysics degree.

I heard he called Mercury a star.

What do you call a monk with a philosophy degree?

A deep friar.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

What do you get with water at 69 degrees?

Noice

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Despite completing my Master's Degree in Engineering, I felt horribly cheated.

Not one of my courses had covered how to drive a train.

Tomorrow's forecast is a high of 98 Degrees.

I hate boy bands.

There are 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murders, but why are there no 90th degree murders?

Because murder is not right

What do you call a drug dealer with a math degree?

A methematician.

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

What's the best college degree to become a successful fiction writer?

Journalism!

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

What did the water sing at 4 degrees celsius?

- Lets dense !

What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor

I know someone who faked his degree in botany.

He wrote his thesis on artificial Christmas trees.

So I was baking a premade pie and the instructions told me to put it in the oven at 180 degrees.

Now I'm left with an upside down pie in an oven.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

Why did the German student finish his degree so quickly?

He was afraid of Stalin grad...

My fisherman friend got his Master's degree.

Now he's a Master Baiter.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.