UPJOKE
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A history degree is useless

Because there's no future in it.

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

As I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree.

"Why am I here?"

What does a doctor with a comedian degree do?

He leaves the patients in stiches

I had an argument with a 90 degree angle...

Turns out it was right.

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”

With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.

“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

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A student raising their hand during a crowded final exam of their master’s degree

“Yes. What is your question?”
The student reposes.
“ Sir, I would like confirmation of the current assignment. You have placed 80% of our grade onto a single true or false question?”

The teacher replies. “Yes, absolutely I have. There is nothing more to teach you. The only thing that I ...

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics?

For splitting an Adam.

A Pure Mathematics degree is useless…

I want a Pure Mathematics radian.

What's the difference between a social media influencer and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major needed a degree to be useless.

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

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New hire at the winery

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and sa...

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

If you want to be smart, get a degree.

If you want to be right, get ninety degrees.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a sociology degree asks,
"Do you want fries with tha...

It got up to 93 degrees today

which is pretty good for a fella my age.

I just finished a college degree in Philosophy.

Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

Many people recognize that the Russian flag is an homage to the French flag.

But did you know their military flag is an homage to the old French military flag as well? The old French military flag was three white Fleur-de-lis on a field of white. Now the Russians use the same one, just rotated 90 degrees.

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

The perpetrator killed the victim by keeping him in a temperature chamber set to 1C

The sentence was first degree murder.

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

Why doesn't the sun go to college?

Because it has a million degrees!

In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .

. . . lousy Marx

Why did the second degree black belt go to jail?

He held up a pair of pants.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.

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My nephew got into his dad's viagra stash.

He's in the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.

What kind of tree has branches with angles that all add up to 180 degrees?

A Trigonome-Tree.

Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought....

Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!

Where is the best place to go if you want to watch people with art degrees while they're working?

Wal-mart

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It's 15 degrees outside, what do you do?

You better hope youre not a fucking American!

In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.

However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

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How cold will it get tonight, I asked my wife

She said that it was going to get to 28 degrees or colder and we should cover up all the plants and get ready for the growing season to be done. I said the forecast was wrong and it wasn't going to get that cold. Right after I said that, though, the door crashed open and a white-haired old man charg...

A girl looking for a job

A girl graduated from an engineering university and was looking for a job, but she did not find any opportunity, but one time she met a person, a zoo manager , and he offered her a job with a very good salary, and the job is to dress up as a zebra and stay in the cage for visitors see it because the...

A degree in agriculture is great to have.

It allows you to work in a variety of fields.

Why did the 90 degree angle fall in love with 60 degree angle?

Cause it was a-cute angle

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

What do you call a doctor with an online degree?

A Wikipediatrician

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree?

A meateorologist

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

Instructions said to preheat oven at 180 degrees

Not sure i'll try this recipe again, turning the oven upside down was a real back breaker...

So I was baking a premade pie and the instructions told me to put it in the oven at 180 degrees.

Now I'm left with an upside down pie in an oven.

I got an honours degree in calligraphy.

To be honest I don't think it's going to help me get a job,
But it looks good on paper...

If your cold, go stand in a corner…

Because corners are always 90 degrees.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees

before it comes off in your hand.

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0 K boomer

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

A father and son are sitting at the kitchen table together

Son: "Dad, I'm cold."

Dad:"Go stand in the corner. I hear it's ninety degrees."

You should never put anything in the oven at 180 degrees...

You are just going to drop all the food...

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A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs.

The doctor says to the nurse, "Give him two Viagra." The nurse asks, "How will that help?" The doctor replies, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

Importance of a good college education

A father is lecturing his son about the importance of a good education.

“Father, what’s the difference between a man with a college degree and a man without?” Said the son.

“Well son,” said the father, “you can perform the same job but the outcome will vary depending if you have a co...

My daughter didn't tell me she was studying a math degree

Must have been discreet math

Damn. My wife just found out that after I got my Bachelor degree at the University of Barad-dûr, I went back and got my Masters there...

I've been found guilty of second-degree Mordor.

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

I got a third degree burn the other day

Needless to say it was getting on my nerves

Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

TIL that Jane Goodall had a degree in business.

Monkey Business.

I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree...

He said "Sodium Bromate."

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

I'm dyslexic but hoping to get a law degree.

One that I can really sue.

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

What do you call a can that earns a degree?

A graduated cylinder.

What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree?

Doctor Who

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A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.

Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting...

People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

A Degree in Gynaecology.

On the whole it's very educational.

What do you call a Jewish man with four college degrees but isn’t a lawyer or a doctor?

A disappointment to his mother.

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

Did you hear about the comedian who got a degree in agriculture?

He got a job on a funny farm.

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A man got into an accident and got third degree burn

The doctors told his wife that only her butt cheek's skin is suitable for a plastic surgery for her husband's burnt face

The wife agreed.

Operation was done and the man look even more handsome than before.

After 1 year past, the husband randomly asked his wife..

Husband: ...

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

Graduate degree fishing

So there’s a guy who wants a graduate degree, but he’s not sure what he wants to study. He remembers a time in his youth where he learned about all different types of fish and things used to catch fish. That memory intrigued him. So he started looking into marine biology, but thought, nah that’s not...

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

It's 69 degrees right now in December

I didn't realize it would be this nice out

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

They asked me if I have a degree in theoretical mathematics.

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

After spending a semester of my engineering degree studying the construction of the channel tunnel.

I can reveal it was dug by a huge boring machine.

I have degrees in psychology,economics and politics.

I don't have a job but at least I know why.

In Alaska, it’s 50 degrees below zero.

It is so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

What do you call a drug dealer with a math degree?

A methematician.

Why was the 89 degree angle not trusted

He's never right

Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and its worthless the next day.

What do you get with water at 69 degrees?

Noice

Angle a=5 degree, Angle b= 85 degree

A friend of angle a: angle b is too large!


Angle a: THAT'S A HUGE COMPLIMENT!!

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

60 seconds have passed in this 90 degree weather...

It's been a hot minute.

How A/C was invented

The four Goldberg brothers - Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell - invent vehicle air conditioning. But they have a hard time marketing it.

Well, on one 97-degree Detroit summer day, the four brothers walk into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talk his secretary into telling him that four...

Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.

It was Celsius because he had a degree.

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