A history degree is useless

Because there's no future in it.

Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics?

For splitting an Adam.

A Pure Mathematics degree is useless…

I want a Pure Mathematics radian.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a sociology degree asks,
"Do you want fries with tha...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

If you want to be smart, get a degree.

If you want to be right, get ninety degrees.

I just finished a college degree in Philosophy.

Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.

What's the difference between a pizza and an art degree?

A pizza doesn't deliver an art degree

What kind of tree has branches with angles that all add up to 180 degrees?

A Trigonome-Tree.

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 15 degrees outside, what do you do?

You better hope youre not a fucking American!

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

Why did the 90 degree angle fall in love with 60 degree angle?

Cause it was a-cute angle

I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree?

A meateorologist

In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .

. . . lousy Marx

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...

Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy.

How A/C was invented

The four Goldberg brothers - Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell - invent vehicle air conditioning. But they have a hard time marketing it.

Well, on one 97-degree Detroit summer day, the four brothers walk into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talk his secretary into telling him that four...

Transcripts of radio conversations of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

Why didn't the sun go to college?

Because it already has a million degrees.

A degree in agriculture is great to have.

It allows you to work in a variety of fields.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.

If you are cold, stand in a corner of a room...

It's mostly 90 degrees

What kind of fish has a medical degree?

A Sturgeon.

You should never put anything in the oven at 180 degrees...

You are just going to drop all the food...

Instructions said to preheat oven at 180 degrees

Not sure i'll try this recipe again, turning the oven upside down was a real back breaker...

It's true, I received a second degree sunburn on my head!

No cap

So I was baking a premade pie and the instructions told me to put it in the oven at 180 degrees.

Now I'm left with an upside down pie in an oven.

My friend said: “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”

It was a third degree burn.

Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees

before it comes off in your hand.

What member of the A-Team has a bachelor's degree?

B.A. Baracus

I got an honours degree in calligraphy.

To be honest I don't think it's going to help me get a job,
But it looks good on paper...

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

What do you call a doctor with an online degree?

A Wikipediatrician

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in the hospital with 3rd degree burns to his legs.

The doctor says to the nurse, "Give him two Viagra." The nurse asks, "How will that help?" The doctor replies, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.

It was Celsius because he had a degree.

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

A man walks into a bar...

"OUCH, my head!" the man says.

"Your head? What are you talking about?" asks the bartender.

"Oh, never mind. Just give me a drink," the man replies.

"A drink?" the bartender puzzles. "I'm here to get my law degree, now take a seat like everyone else."

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

I got a third degree burn the other day

Needless to say it was getting on my nerves

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

Damn. My wife just found out that after I got my Bachelor degree at the University of Barad-dûr, I went back and got my Masters there...

I've been found guilty of second-degree Mordor.

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".


The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

I’m going to freeze myself at a temperature of -273.15 degrees celsius.

My friend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ll be 0K.

TIL that Jane Goodall had a degree in business.

Monkey Business.

My daughter didn't tell me she was studying a math degree

Must have been discreet math

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My vodka Christmas cake recipe

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4...

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

Yet another art major joke

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, here's an art joke. How do you get an art major off your front porch? You pay for the pizza!" the bartender jests. "Oh, very funny. I'll have you know that now that I have my fine arts degree I don't have to deliver to people anymore. In fact, peop...

What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0 K boomer

I'm dyslexic but hoping to get a law degree.

One that I can really sue.

Why do you never use a cannon in hot weather?

It shoots itself at 90 degrees

An man goes in for a job interview. Unfortunately, he is told that his degree and experience are not enough and he is turned away.

The man decides he's gonna get that job whatever it takes. So he first gets large round head, big furry ears and big black nose. Then, he begins to grow grey-brown and white fur all over his body and claws extend from his fingers and toes. Finally, he thinks he's ready. So clutching his eucalyptus l...

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

What is the smartest tool?

A thermometer because it has so many degrees

What do you call a Jewish man with four college degrees but isn’t a lawyer or a doctor?

A disappointment to his mother.

When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.

I’m losing my friends by degrees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

Even though I have an Engineering degree and I’ve re-wired my house to add updated lighting...

People are typically shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

What do you call a can that earns a degree?

A graduated cylinder.

What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree?

Doctor Who

Doctor twin visits pastor twin

A couple has identical twin sons.

After they finish school, they go to separate cities for university: one studies medicine and eventually gets his MD degree; the other decides to become a man of the cloth and gets his DD (Doctor of Divinity).

The doctor settles down near the city wher...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died.

The director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three ...

Did you hear about the comedian who got a degree in agriculture?

He got a job on a funny farm.

A Degree in Gynaecology.

On the whole it's very educational.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man got into an accident and got third degree burn

The doctors told his wife that only her butt cheek's skin is suitable for a plastic surgery for her husband's burnt face

The wife agreed.

Operation was done and the man look even more handsome than before.

After 1 year past, the husband randomly asked his wife..

Husband: ...

I asked my chemist friend if it took him 4 years to get his degree...

He said "Sodium Bromate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

Graduate degree fishing

So there’s a guy who wants a graduate degree, but he’s not sure what he wants to study. He remembers a time in his youth where he learned about all different types of fish and things used to catch fish. That memory intrigued him. So he started looking into marine biology, but thought, nah that’s not...

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

It's 69 degrees right now in December

I didn't realize it would be this nice out

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

Three liberal arts degree students walk into a bar

Next week, it was a Starbucks cafe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

I have degrees in psychology,economics and politics.

I don't have a job but at least I know why.

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

After spending a semester of my engineering degree studying the construction of the channel tunnel.

I can reveal it was dug by a huge boring machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Suffered from a 3rd degree burn in his face...

So his Wife donated a piece of her butt skin for surgery. After that He got his cheeks again and Asked his Wife how he can repay her ever again. She said dear when I see your mother and sisters kissing my Ass It well be more that enough of a reward.

It's 69 degrees outside

Feels good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight.

During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the air...

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

They asked me if I have a degree in theoretical mathematics.

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

A man walked into the ER with severe burns and blisters to both sides of his face.

He was quickly admitted. The attending physician asked him, “how on earth did you burn your face so badly?”

The man reluctantly began his explanation. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing doc. See my wife is out of town this week, and so I’m having to do my own cooking...”

“Ah, I see...

My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing. I hate it because I’m always cold, but he gave me a suggestion.

He said to stand in the corner since it’s usually 90 degrees over there.

I complained to my maths teacher that it was too cold in the classroom

He told me to stand in the corner.

Because the coner is 90 degrees

Who won the argument between the 20 degree angle and the 90 degree angle

The 90 degree angle because 90 degrees is always right

In Alaska, it’s 50 degrees below zero.

It is so cold that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

What do you call a drug dealer with a math degree?

A methematician.

What do you get with water at 69 degrees?

Noice

Why is a degree like a condom?

It's rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and its worthless the next day.

60 seconds have passed in this 90 degree weather...

It's been a hot minute.

What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

I just got myself a Motown fridge

It stays at a steady Three Degrees, Four Tops.

Did you hear about the discerning entomologist with a degree in accounting?

He was into fine-ants.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.