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Degree Jokes

I just graduated with a degree in Egyptology.

So now I am qualified to teach more students Egyptology. I'm beginning to think this is some sort of pyramid scheme.

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

My wife always complains about how cold the living room is when watching TV.

I told her to sit in the corner as its always 90 degrees.

A dude shops for a parrot

He’s stepping into a bird store and goes straight to a manager. Listen, he says, it’s a really special occasion and I’m looking for something extraordinary, money is not an issue. Oh, I have just a thing for you, says manager and leads him to a back room. There he shows three parrots and goes, the f...

Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

A Winnipeg man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then...

What kind of degree does a shipyard recieve?

A dock-torate

What did the 90 degree angle say to the 60 degree angle?

Aren’t you a cute one.

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

I've just accidentally let slip to the family that I lied about earning my biology degree.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

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Artificial Intelligence & Counter Intelligence

Hey Google, I am feeling the urge to have sex.


Google: Most certainly. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees. Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it. I have hired your favourite Thai masseuse.

She is just 12 minutes ...

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

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New hire at the winery

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and sa...

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

That was a third degree burn.

Why didn't Anakin Skywalker become an engineer?

He couldn't get a Master's degree.

What's the difference between a social media influencer and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major needed a degree to be useless.

Homer

A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" "It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean". With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man answered the phon...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

As I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree.

"Why am I here?"

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”

With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.

“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

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A tragedy at the zoo today

Due to an electrical failure, a fire broke out in the primate exhibit. The inhabiting apes, frightened, began throwing feces at zoo employees as they fought to control the blaze.

Thankfully, the fire has been extinguished but at least five zookeepers have been hospitalized with turd degree b...

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

I have a Masters Degree in Procrastination

I just haven't picked it up yet.

Getting a job at Walmart requires a high school education.

I'm glad they'll still accept someone with a college degree.

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The prizefighter and the texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."

The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doe...

Many people recognize that the Russian flag is an homage to the French flag.

But did you know their military flag is an homage to the old French military flag as well? The old French military flag was three white Fleur-de-lis on a field of white. Now the Russians use the same one, just rotated 90 degrees.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

I lost my dissertation in a house fire

At least I think that's what my doctor meant when he said I have 3rd degree burns.

What do you call a column with a degree?

A graduated cylinder

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

In geometry class, the teacher went up to the board and drew a 23 degree angle.



She then drew a 67 degree angle. The class was astonished when the angles started talking! The first one said "That's a lovely blouse you're wearing." and the second one chimed in "And I love what you've done with your hair."

The students asked the teacher if she knew what was going...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A girl looking for a job

A girl graduated from an engineering university and was looking for a job, but she did not find any opportunity, but one time she met a person, a zoo manager , and he offered her a job with a very good salary, and the job is to dress up as a zebra and stay in the cage for visitors see it because the...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

A history degree is useless

Because there's no future in it.

What does a doctor with a comedian degree do?

He leaves the patients in stiches

Why doesn't the sun go to college?

Because it has a million degrees!

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My nephew got into his dad's viagra stash.

He's in the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.

Saw a right angle resting under a tree this afternoon and thought....

Wow! 90 degrees in the shade!!

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...

Poison I, II, III, would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make you really itchy.

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

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How cold will it get tonight, I asked my wife

She said that it was going to get to 28 degrees or colder and we should cover up all the plants and get ready for the growing season to be done. I said the forecast was wrong and it wasn't going to get that cold. Right after I said that, though, the door crashed open and a white-haired old man charg...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

Kelvin and Celsius had a job interview but only one of them got the job.

It was Celsius because he had a degree.

A father and son are sitting at the kitchen table together

Son: "Dad, I'm cold."

Dad:"Go stand in the corner. I hear it's ninety degrees."

Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics?

For splitting an Adam.

A Pure Mathematics degree is useless…

I want a Pure Mathematics radian.

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

Importance of a good college education

A father is lecturing his son about the importance of a good education.

“Father, what’s the difference between a man with a college degree and a man without?” Said the son.

“Well son,” said the father, “you can perform the same job but the outcome will vary depending if you have a co...

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You know you're a Minnesotan Abroad if

You get weird looks if you ask for your pizza to be cut into squares.

You've gotten strange looks when you whipped out your Super America fuel card, your TCF Bank debit card, your Dunn Brothers gift card, or White Castle refillable cup at a gas station.

You're the only one in a t-shirt...

Why do hockey rinks have curved corners?

Because if they were 90 degrees, the ice would melt.

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with a science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a sociology degree asks,
"Do you want fries with tha...

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There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".


The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature i...

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

Why did the slave go to college?

To pick up his master's degree.

The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.

Educated people are hot.

Because they have high degrees

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

I just finished a college degree in Philosophy.

Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.

When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.

I’m losing my friends by degrees.

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

If you want to be smart, get a degree.

If you want to be right, get ninety degrees.

In University I was doing a 'Degree In Communism' . . . but had to drop out after the first year . . .

. . . lousy Marx

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New Treatment For Sunburn!

A guy visiting over here in Puerto Rico fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the sever...

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?

When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

I have a degree in men's studies.

It's called "world history".

#TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!

It got up to 93 degrees today

which is pretty good for a fella my age.

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

Why do you never use a cannon in hot weather?

It shoots itself at 90 degrees

How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?

In degrees Karenheit.

If a married man graduates from the University his first time,

is he still given a **bachelor's** degree?

I just got myself a Motown fridge

It stays at a steady Three Degrees, Four Tops.

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

A man walks into a bar...

"OUCH, my head!" the man says.

"Your head? What are you talking about?" asks the bartender.

"Oh, never mind. Just give me a drink," the man replies.

"A drink?" the bartender puzzles. "I'm here to get my law degree, now take a seat like everyone else."

Doctor twin visits pastor twin

A couple has identical twin sons.

After they finish school, they go to separate cities for university: one studies medicine and eventually gets his MD degree; the other decides to become a man of the cloth and gets his DD (Doctor of Divinity).

The doctor settles down near the city wher...

What is the smartest tool?

A thermometer because it has so many degrees

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,

But for mathematicians, it's just right.

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It's 15 degrees outside, what do you do?

You better hope youre not a fucking American!

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

Yet another art major joke

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey, here's an art joke. How do you get an art major off your front porch? You pay for the pizza!" the bartender jests. "Oh, very funny. I'll have you know that now that I have my fine arts degree I don't have to deliver to people anymore. In fact, peop...

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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

What kind of tree has branches with angles that all add up to 180 degrees?

A Trigonome-Tree.

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