UPJOKE
iceprecipitationsnowfallsnowflakewaterwindblizzardhailflakesnowycloudsleetavalanchespringwhiteout

Snow isn't a problem in the Middle East

...but ISIS

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?

The 'inedible snowman'.

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How is sex like snow?

Everyone talks about it, but it doesn’t always happen. Then when it does happen, you’re never sure how long it will last, or how many inches you’re going to get.

Why do native Americans hate snow?

It's white and all over their land

Why don't Natives like snow?

Cause it's white and it's on their land

(Disclaimer: I'm Native)

A 75 year old man with all white hair is dating a 22 year old girl. His girlfriend is pregnant. After the birth he asks the nurse “well nurse, how did I do?” The nurse replied “you did great she had twins.” The old man responded “ A little snow on the roof and I still got a fire in the furnace”

To This the nurse replied “ Well you may want to clean the filters because those babies are black”

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My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

What is the difference between snow men and snow women?

Snow balls.

How do you follow Will Smith in a Snow Storm?

You look for the Fresh Prints.

Groan. Whew.

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**News Flash** Snow White has been kicked out of Disney Land!!

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie you bastard, lie!".

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman.

Snowballs

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Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city...

When they see a house with the sign on "Words prettiest woman contest". Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner". They keep walking and see a gym with the sign up "Worlds strongest man contest". Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in h...

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go.

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

Why did Jon Snow go to the Apple store?

For the watch

What's the difference between snowmen and snowomen?

Snowballs.

Saw a guy in Toronto this morning, his boots were covered in snow.

Had to ask him:

Don't you think they're pretty caked eh?

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What do you call a sunburnt nudist pissing in the snow?

Red Hot Chili Pecker

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Snow day

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn, I hate it when it snows," he complains to the bartender. "It makes my neighbor's yard look as good as mine."

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3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas

Then why is my girlfriend complaining

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he mi...

Snow White gets into a hot tub and starts feeling a little happy

Happy gets out and she starts feeling a little grumpy.

Grumpy gets out and Bill Cosby gets in and she starts feeling a little sleepy.

Karl Marx hated snow days.

It meant class was cancelled.

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

If a class going to cosmetology school can’t make it because of a snow storm…

Do they have a make up day?

Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow.

Neither of the men know what they are eating.

The first man says “Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!”

The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says “No no, I think it’s chili.”

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I wish I had the sexual power of snow.

People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.

Snow White and Prince Charming in Divorce Court

Judge: So, you want a divorce because your wife is too moody?

Prince: No, I said that last night I came home and she was feeling Happy, and then she was feeling Grumpy, then she was feeling Bashful, then she was feeling Sleepy…

The neighbors built a snow sculpture of a dismembered person, complete with red food coloring.

It was an ***abominable*** snowman.

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

A minister dies..

..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, ta...

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

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I should rename my penis "Snow"

So my wife can say she got an inch of snow last night.

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Why wasn’t the ‘Snow White and seven dwarfs’ porn parody successful?

There were too many short comings.

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

Why does the government worry about keeping the roads plowed?

Because they can’t have another Edward Snowed In incident.

Everywhere in the auld country, tales were told of a man named Happy.

Happy wasn’t just a happy-go-lucky kind of fella, he was also the nicest guy you ever would meet. He was polite to everyone. Helped the Shaughnessy twins run their farm after their pa died. Cleared the sidewalks of snow in front of the doctor’s office. Bought Old Lady MacGregor’s cookies when she wa...

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It’s a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It’s hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back y...

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, ...

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today...

Well I’m guessing she was poor. She only had $1.00 in her purse.

A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...

Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to p...

what do you call a lion in the snow?

frost bite

Snow Storm in Texas blew 25% of my neighbors roof.

Oof.

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white?

Heigh Ho.

Kid: Santa, what’s the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

*A dark countenance settles on Santa’s face*

Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1’s hands got so cold they went numb.

2’s hands and feet both got cold so he was even number.

I saw fresh prints in the snow

Wonder what he was doing so far from Bel Air.

My girlfriend is like snow.

After i peed on her, she disappeared.

Where does Frosty keep his money?

In a snow bank!

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

Some kids pee their name in the snow.

Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

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Living in the northeast, I don’t normally get mad about snow.

But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.

Winter Storm Advisory,

Due to tomorrow’s snow storm, please remember that side streets always get plowed last. However, your mom will continue to get plowed first. That will never change.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth?

Someday my prints will come…

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Snowmobile repair

There wasn't a lot of business at Chester's Snowmobile and Small Engine Repair in Kodiak, Alaska. Chester decided to close early on a Thursday to go home and open a bottle of wine.

Just as he was clicking off the "Open" sign, he heard a rumbling clatter in the distance. He stepped out front...

What's a snowman's girlfriend called?

She's a snowblower.

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When are all of you people going to understand that the government...

AND companies like Bridgestone, Windsor Salt and Big Shovel are BRAINWASHING you into believing that winter and snow is real thing. It is completely FALSE and made up to KEEP us pinned down in our houses during the winters. I for one am SICK AND TIRED of being told that I need to shovel my driveway ...

Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?

Aunts in his pants...

I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?

In an explosion.

An american couple in Russia

An american couple was being shown around Red square in Moscow one day, by their communist guide, Rudolf, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he s...

Why are friends a lot like snow?

Because if you keep peeing on them they will slowly disappear.

Why did the snow man pull down his pants?

Because he heard the snow blower coming.

We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight

6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

Just tried to de-snow my car with a loyalty card

I only managed to get 10% off

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Snow Day

This morning thousands of students and teachers on the East Coast woke up, saw a mountain of snow, started screaming happily and then thought.......

SHIT, we have school online today

I had a nightmare last night.

I had a nightmare last night that I was stuck inside a snow globe.

When I woke up I was really shaken up.

Why do elves laugh when they run?

Because the snow tickles their balls.

I watched a play with Snow White but only six dwarves

No one was happy.

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

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How are eating pussy and driving in the snow alike?

If you're not careful, you might slide into the asshole in front of you.

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I was cycling to work...

I was cycling to work when a snow plow suddenly overtook me at high speed, spreading salt which hit my face.

"BASTARD!" I shouted, through gritted teeth.

There was no snow on my wedding day

But there was 8 inches on my honeymoon.

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow

The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?""Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly ...

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Granddad and Grandson out walking in the snow.

Granddad: God it's fucking cold out here today.

Grandson: Tell me something I don't know Granddad.

Granddad: Your Nan used to like it up the shitter.!

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

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