UPJOKE
iceprecipitationsnowfallsnowflakewaterwindblizzardhailflakesnowycloudsleetavalanchespringwhiteout

Snow isn't a problem in the Middle East

...but ISIS

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Sex is like snow;

you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.

Snow White decides to take a cruise

Snow White decides to take a cruise, but she can't bring all of the dwarves with her. To make sure she has a good time, she only brings along happy and sleepy.

Unfortunately when they go to board the boat there's a problem.

There's no doc

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Why did snow white get kicked out of disneyland?

She was caught sitting on pinoccios face yelling lie you stupid fucker

One morning Snow White said to her prince, "I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."

The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.

"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.

"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.

"What happened?"

"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."

"That doesn't sound like...

Did you hear about the evil queen who screwed up her own fairy tale and turned Snow White into The Little Mermaid?

She misread the directions and sent a poisson apple

I tried to convince my friend I saw a snow monster for the second time today

Yeti still didn’t believe me

There's one soup you have to like to get through a snow storm.

As long as you love Miso. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

Snow White, a dwarf and Freddy Krueger are having an argument

Snow White says "I'm the most beautiful person in the world! I know it!" The dwarf says "Stop lying, of course you're not! But I'M the shortest person on this earth." Freddy Krueger says "Well, I'm the ugliest person on earth!" Snow white says "Guys, stop arguing! We can just go to the magic mirror ...

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

Snowballs

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My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

What did Snow White complain after staying for a month with the dwarves?

"I'd rather have a 7 inch one time than one inch 7 times"

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

Why do native Americans hate snow?

It's white and all over their land

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?

The 'inedible snowman'.

My wife thinks it’s weird that I Star through the window every time it rains or snows

Maybe one day she’ll let me in

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

Police were called to the scene of a suspected mass grave of snowmen

upon further investigation, it was determined to be a carrot patch

How do you track Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Snow white and the seven dwarves were in a bathtub together.

Soon they were all feeling grumpy.

So he got up and left.

Snow White started a tutoring center for the Dwarves to teach them math.

She called it "Making the Little Things Count"

Timbuktu (NSFW)

Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said "sorry, there's only room for one of you." The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer.

"I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the bes...

A 75 year old man with all white hair is dating a 22 year old girl. His girlfriend is pregnant. After the birth he asks the nurse “well nurse, how did I do?” The nurse replied “you did great she had twins.” The old man responded “ A little snow on the roof and I still got a fire in the furnace”

To This the nurse replied “ Well you may want to clean the filters because those babies are black”

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**News Flash** Snow White has been kicked out of Disney Land!!

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie you bastard, lie!".

Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, "I got my ultrasound done yesterday. I'm pregnant with triplets!"

"I got mine done yesterday too," says Linda. "I'm pregnant with septuplets!"

"I think I'll get my ultrasound done next week," says Martha.

The three women chat some more. Finally, Heather says, "I go...

Why did Jon Snow go to the Apple store?

For the watch

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I wish I had the sexual power of snow.

People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.

What’s the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls

There were actually Nine Dwarves before Snow White met them,

They exiled Hungry after Tasty went missing.

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Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city...

When they see a house with the sign on "Words prettiest woman contest". Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner". They keep walking and see a gym with the sign up "Worlds strongest man contest". Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in h...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

I used to be a fortune teller

I was pretty bad. I could only fortell bad weather. Turns out the shop sold me a snow globe instead of a crystal ball.

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An anthropologist decides to study a particular Inuit tribe.

So he arranges to spend five years living among them. After about a year he hears talk of a secret society, but when he asks to join he's told no. Wanting to be thorough he persists, and eventually the tribal chief gives in. He tells the anthropologist "I have decided to allow you to join our societ...

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go.

When Karl Marx was a young philosophy student, he took it upon himself to travel across the country to see the wide world and learn all that he could to develop his theories.

Hither and thither he would ride across the German countryside, in his little pony-cart pulled by a pair of strong, hardy donkeys, meeting people, studying their lives and professions, and seeking to understand the world.

A time came when he was high in the German mountains. Snow was thick ...

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

Two men entered heaven…

and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life”

the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.”

Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter...

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3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas

Then why is my girlfriend complaining

It's almost Halloween

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You can tell its getting closer to Halloween," the guy tells the bartender. "Just today I saw a gal dressed up like Snow White working in the shoe store down in the local shopping center .... She was the fairest of the mall."

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What do you call a sunburnt nudist pissing in the snow?

Red Hot Chili Pecker

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

Snow White gets into a hot tub and starts feeling a little happy

Happy gets out and she starts feeling a little grumpy.

Grumpy gets out and Bill Cosby gets in and she starts feeling a little sleepy.

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

Snow day

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn, I hate it when it snows," he complains to the bartender. "It makes my neighbor's yard look as good as mine."

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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he mi...

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

Karl Marx hated snow days.

It meant class was cancelled.

Two drunk men are eating out of a crock pot in the snow.

Neither of the men know what they are eating.

The first man says “Wow, this soup makes it feel hot out here!”

The second man looks in the pot, takes a bite, and says “No no, I think it’s chili.”

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

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I should rename my penis "Snow"

So my wife can say she got an inch of snow last night.

The neighbors built a snow sculpture of a dismembered person, complete with red food coloring.

It was an ***abominable*** snowman.

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An Imam, Rabbi and Priest die in plane crash.

When they each meet their God, it is explained to them that this was a big mistake. Each one is given the opportunity to return to Earth in whatever form they choose.

The Imam says: "I've always greatly admired the Eagle, soaring so effortlessly on the wind. Poof! He is an Eagle riding therma...

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, ...

If a class going to cosmetology school can’t make it because of a snow storm…

Do they have a make up day?

Snow Storm in Texas blew 25% of my neighbors roof.

Oof.

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today...

Well I’m guessing she was poor. She only had $1.00 in her purse.

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Why wasn’t the ‘Snow White and seven dwarfs’ porn parody successful?

There were too many short comings.

what do you call a lion in the snow?

frost bite

What kind of tree grows when you plant an acorn in the snow?

A burrrrrrr oak

What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white?

Heigh Ho.

How many dwarves can fit in a box?

I'm not sure you should ask Snow White

Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?

Aunts in his pants...

A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...

Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to p...

My girlfriend is like snow.

After i peed on her, she disappeared.

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Living in the northeast, I don’t normally get mad about snow.

But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.

I had to choose an 8 character password...

So I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?

In an explosion.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

why was the snowman smiling?

because he saw the snowblower coming down the street

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Sales

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency,were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm. The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house qui...

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth?

Someday my prints will come…

Why are friends a lot like snow?

Because if you keep peeing on them they will slowly disappear.

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

Why did the snow man pull down his pants?

Because he heard the snow blower coming.

We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight

6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?

A meltdown ;)

So far we have four inches of snow on the ground.

Or as my husband would say...seven inches.

There was no snow on my wedding day

But there was 8 inches on my honeymoon.

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