Snow isn't a problem in the Middle East

...but ISIS

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3 inches of snow is enough to fuck Texas

Then why is my girlfriend complaining

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

Snow White was in bed, feeling Happy

Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

It's white and on their land

I saw fresh prints in the snow

Wonder what he was doing so far from Bel Air.

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I wish I had the sexual power of snow.

People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.

A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...

Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to p...

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I should rename my penis "Snow"

So my wife can say she got an inch of snow last night.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

Snow Storm in Texas blew 25% of my neighbors roof.

Oof.

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, ...

We're getting 5 inches of snow tonight

6.5 inches if it's male meteorologist that forecasts.

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1’s hands got so cold they went numb.

2’s hands and feet both got cold so he was even number.

Why did the snow man pull down his pants?

Because he heard the snow blower coming.

Some kids pee their name in the snow.

Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today...

Well I’m guessing she was poor. She only had $1.00 in her purse.

Snow plows

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through." So the ...

It's snowing and my wife has been staring at the window for 2 hours...

...I should probably let her in

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs

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What does having sex for the first time and snow have in common?

You don't know how many inches you'll get and how long it will last

My girlfriend is like snow.

After i peed on her, she disappeared.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white?

Heigh Ho.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Living in the northeast, I don’t normally get mad about snow.

But this snitch ass weatherman just let my wife know what six inches actually looks like.

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A young polar bear is walking across the ice and snow when he meets his grandmother he asks "Am i a real polar bear?" " Don't bother me now go and ask your grandfather" she replies...

So he goes and finds his grandfather "Grandfather am i a real polar bear?" he asks "I'm too busy for questions, go ask your mother" so the polar bear finds his mother after looking for her "Mother am i a real polar bear?" "Not now little bear I'm resting go ask your father" she says, so the little p...

Just tried to de-snow my car with a loyalty card

I only managed to get 10% off

I walked into the shop, glimpsing my beard covered in snow as I entered

"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.

"Ho, ho, ho!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.

Snow isnt aproblem in arab countries

But isis

Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.

If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

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Snow Day

This morning thousands of students and teachers on the East Coast woke up, saw a mountain of snow, started screaming happily and then thought.......

SHIT, we have school online today

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow

The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?""Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly ...

Told to me by a six year old.

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go!


I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
...

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How are eating pussy and driving in the snow alike?

If you're not careful, you might slide into the asshole in front of you.

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found a graffiti on the snow written with pee outside his house.

The graffiti wrote "Mickey Sucks".

The police came, and they told Mickey that there's bad news and an even worse news.

The bad news is, the urine is from Goofy.

The worse news is, its Minnie's handwriting.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth?

Someday my prints will come…

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Saturday morning I got up early, [long]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch. grabbed the dog. slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled...

What did Snow white complain after staying a week with the dwarves?

I'd rather have a 7 inch one time than one inch 7 times..

Sure you're just sledding now

But sledding is a gateway to other things.
Soon you'll be tobogganing.
And snow-tubing.
And snowboarding.
And skiing.

It's a slippery slope.

I just ran over one of Snow Whites dwarfs.

He wasn't Happy!

How do snowmen keep warm

With a snow blanket!

I’ve got a unicycle that’s great in the snow

It has all wheel drive

A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.

As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says “I think it’s raining.” “No, it is definitely snowing.” Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says “let’s not bicker, let’s ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially sn...

There was no snow on my wedding day

But there was 8 inches on my honeymoon.

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Granddad and Grandson out walking in the snow.

Granddad: God it's fucking cold out here today.

Grandson: Tell me something I don't know Granddad.

Granddad: Your Nan used to like it up the shitter.!

What did john snow go to the apple store for?

For the watch.

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snow storms ..

It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snow globe .

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Once there was a polar bear named Jerry.

Jerry hated living at the north pole and constantly bitched about it to the other polar bears.

“It’s too fucking cold here” he said. “The water is all frozen, there’s nothing to eat but penguins and I’m constantly covered in fucking snow”.

The other polar bears rolled their eyes and ...

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A world champion in grizzly bear hunting wanted to shoot a polar one

He's got yet another prize in USA for hunting grizzlies, proving he's the best there is. Doesn't matter how hard it would be to hunt one, he would track them and hunt them.

One day he wanted the challenge, and thought he would step up his game and hunt for polar bears. He's no expert in polar...

My wife got angry at me because I was drunkenly shoveling the driveway when she got home.

I don't get it. I told her I'd stop drinking this winter, with snow exceptions.

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Winter in the Caribbean

Two women go on holiday in the Caribbean. They meet an attractive black man and both woman decide to have a threesome with him. Next morning during breakfast one of the woman ask the man his name. He replies, “ My name is Snow”. The other woman starts laughing. Confused, Snow asks, “What’s so funny?...

In college I experimented with marijuana. I did it in snow and I did it in sleet

But I did not in hail

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

What did one snowman say to the other snow man?

Do you smell carrot

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

Breaking news! Snow White down to six dwarves...

...Sneezy has been quarentined by the CDC

Friends are like snow

When you pee on them, they disappear.

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The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class...

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

Snowblower?

Does a snow man get really excited or really worried when someone says snowblower? Sorry if it’s a repost

What do you call frosty the snowman’s wife?

A snow blower.

After six months of winter all the snow finally melted.

Noice

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A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

Made this one up a couple months ago walking my daughter home from school after a snow day...

My daughter and her friend were telling me that they were building a chair out of snow at recess and it inspired this gem of a dad joke.

If a chair made of snow is a snair,
And a table made of snow is a snable,
What is a house made of snow?
.
.
.
.
.
An igloo of course...

Why did the psychic enjoy reading their book in the snow?

To improve their cold reading.

Why did CIA raid the igloos?

Because they dont like snow dens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a......snow bank

A guy is relaxing at home when he hears a loud banging on his front door. He opens the door to discover his next-door neighbor standing there looking outraged. "

What's the matter Bill?" he asks the neighbor. "I found your son's name written with pee in the snow between our houses!" he responds. "What's the big deal? He's a kid. Kids do that stuff". I'll tell you the big deal! It was in my daughter's handwriting!"

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

A couple live outside Buffalo, and are used to the rhythms of preparing for large snows.

One of these preparations for many years has been tuning in to the local radio station at 6:00 the night before a storm for an important announcement.

On a typical pre-storm night, the wife would tune in just prior to 6 to hear a message about which side of the street cars were to be parked o...

Snow white now have 6 dwarfs.

Because sneezy is under quarantine.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were ...

Two blondes find a set of tracks in the snow.

"They're rabbit tracks!" Said Trixie.

"No, silly, they're Bear tracks!" Said Susie.

This went on for a while, until the train hit them.

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"

A team of British archaeologists dug to a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 150 years ago.

In response to this, American archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires...

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

What's the difference between normal snow and German snow?

Normal snow falls

and German snow captures the land.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Disney jokes

PINOCCHIO
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of we...

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

One day Rain asked his mom, "Mom why am i named Rain?" "Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.” Then Snow asked his mom, “Why is my name ‘Snow’?” “Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.” Then Brick asked his mom, “URGUTUREWESADJ”

Why was Mickey Mouse so upset that Goofy's name was written in the snow?

It was done in Minnie's handwriting.

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time...

The man looks at the tree.

"Only one last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian stumbles on something hard and sharp on his way home from work one night.

He bends over to pick up the object and proceeds to brush the snow off of it only to discover a genie rushing out of this lamp.
“Hello master, I can grant you one wish.”
After half a second of thought the Russian says “I want to piss Vodka for the rest of my days.”
“Granted” says the genie...

Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?

For the watch

[NSFW] The seven dwarfs decided one day that they’re going to watch Snow White get undressed

So they go outside and stack themselves on top of each other to peer through her window:

Doc, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Sleepy, Dopey

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

“She’s taking off her shirt...”

...

“She’s taking off ...

USPS has a new motto

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.” -USPS unofficial motto, 1914-2020

“Better late than never.” -USPS unofficial motto, 2020-?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

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"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" "You are fair my queen, but Snow White is fairer."

Earlier:

Mirror: "Send Nudes"

Snow White: "Ok" *Takes off dress*

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie. The director wants to sprinkle white laundry soap flakes in front of the camera to simulate snowfall, so he sends his producer to the grocery store to buy some laundry soap.

The producer comes back several hours later. "It's the pandemic, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does your wives sex life and tomorrows snow forecast have in common?

Both expecting 8 to 10 inches but only going to get 1 to 2...





Made this joke up and tel it off and on, how was it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

In Toronto it's snowing so hard right now that it's become pro-China ...

In other words, its a Blizzard.

Why couldn't Edward the whistleblower leave his house during the winter to warn the government of corruption?

He was snowed in.

Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?

Aunts in his pants...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I barged into Snow White's room to find out what all the noise was about.

I'll tell you one thing, she wasn't fucking happy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two long time friends decide it’s finally time to go on that hike through the alps they’ve always wanted to

One week into the trek, the first guy starts complaining about his feet, “they’re just so cold!” He says.
His buddy tells him that when his feet are cold he just makes sure that he rubs them bare feet by the fire every night before putting his socks on and going to bed.
His friends thanks him,...

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