I was studying abroad in the Middle East, when a flock of seagulls attacked

Iran so far away.. ‘Couldn’t get away

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Seagull poop (longish)

{From my childhood - no idea who to credit}



A man is sitting at the bar alone when suddenly, in walks a pirate.

The whole place goes quiet as the pirate walks to the counter.

He orders a drink and noticed the man is staring at him, eyes wide.

The pirate says, "Wha...

A flock of seagulls wanted to fly to Iran...

..but Iran so far away!

I was on a beach once, roasting a seagull over a small fire

I heard footsteps on the rocks, and looked up to see a Conservation Officer approaching.

"Hey there, bud, whatcha cookin' there?"

I turned the bird slowly on its stick, then looked at the pile of feathers. "Western Gull, I think."

The officer widened his eyes, "Oh, ya can't be e...

What does a seagull call their significant other?

Bagel

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that seagulls die after having sex?

Well the one I fucked did.

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As I was sitting at a lake I saw a seagull land next to me

...and I said, “don’t worry little fella, I wont say shit.”

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, then they would be bagels.

what does a digital seagull wear to the beech

a beak.ini

Joke from my 7yr old son - If a bird that flies over the sea is a seagull, what is...

... a bird that flies over the bay?

A BAGEL!

Ba dum, tsss

If a seagull flys over the sea, then what flys over the bay?

A bagel!
(Came up with this Louis CK style slapstick literature at 5 years old, give me bronze)

I Saw a Huge Seagull Today

It was big enough to be a D Gull.

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle

Why do seagulls go to the beach?

Because of the sand, which is there!

What's the difference between a seagull and a pelican?

You can't sea a pelican.





Note: I'm actually on laughing gas rn btw.

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Two pirates, Morty and sol are at a bar

Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, ...

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What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?

The seagull flits along the shore, the baby shits along the floor.

What do you call a seagull that lives by the Bay?

I don't know, but it won't shut up about the app it's developing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sea captain joke

A young sailor is walking the
docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me bo...

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Where do seagulls live?

Shit, wrong subreddit.

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TIL seagulls are not the only birds to poop in-flight

I just read about the great Foo birds of Bolivia. If they hit you, it is considered bad luck to remove the feces until it dries. Roughly translated, the custom is "If the Foo shits, wear it".

Why did the oil covered seagull get sued?

There can only be one goo gull

Seagull joke

Q: What do you call a seagull that knows martial arts?

A: Steven Seagull

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

A man discovered that feeding seagulls to his porpoises will make them live forever.

A man discovered that feeding seagulls to his porpoises will make them live forever. He went to the beach and grabbed two seagulls. As he arrived back home, he saw, sound asleep in his doorway, an old stodgy lion. As he stepped over the lion carrying the seagulls, police surrounded and arrested him....

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

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A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.

The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.<...

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered...

...that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan. Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing. Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

A research scientist studying porpoises discovers a way to make them live forever.

He discovered that a compound made by immature seagulls makes the porpoises stop aging, as long as they're fed them regularly. To protect his research he bought two lions to guard the lab.
One day he forgets to feed the lions before going out to collect the seagulls, so he's forced to call the p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking down the beach...

...and he sees this woman there lying on a beach towel, all on her own.

As he gets closer, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs, and that she is crying. Out of slight pity he approaches her.

"Excuse me" the man says, "are you ok?"

"No!" The woman replied, "all my fr...

A sailor met a pirate, and they started talking about their adventures at sea.

The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. He asked, “so, how did you end up with the peg leg?”
The pirate replied, “we were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!...

A Texas Biologist

A Texas biologist, who discovered that the life of a porpoise could be prolonged indefinitely if it were fed a steady diet of seagulls, has been arrested at the Louisiana border. He faces charges of transporting gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

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A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender notices that the pirate has an eye patch, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg. The bartender asks:

"What happened to you?"
The pirate says, "well where do i start?" Pointing down to his peg leg, he says "a while back, I was on top of me ship, scannin the horizon, when a rogue w...

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A boy walks up to a pirate

A boy walks up to a pirate and curious about his missing leg, arm, and eye, asks about them.

"Why are your arm and leg missing?" the boy asks.

"Well, I was attacked by a gator while burying me treasure. Now I got me a wooden peg and hook for me hand"

"Then what happened to your...

So there’s this old, old zookeeper who is nearing retirement.

In fact, she’s so old that she has been employed at the zoo since it first opened. Since she’s been there so long, the zoo has entrusted her with taking care of the two most valuable exhibits in the zoo.

First, she is responsible for feeding an ancient lion. This lion is actually so old that...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: A collection of other [spoonerisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) for your reading pleasure. And stop giving me sh... about not fu... cussing...

How many, "Suhhh Dudes", does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's already lit, Fam!


(Seagull laugh) | opinional

The Zoo Joke

A man had an uncle who happened to own a zoo. One day, the uncle unfortunately passes away. When the man speaks to his uncle's lawyer, the lawyer offers to give him the zoo. The man willingly agrees. The zoo has an aquarium, a lion cage and a bird cage but it is in horrible condition. The man pays t...

A little boy is walking along the beach when he sees a pirate.

Excited, he runs up to the pirate and says "Mr Pirate! How did you get that peg leg?"

The pirate says "Argh, one day me ship was in a battle on the high seas, and a cannonball came over and lopped me off at the knee. Tis the life of a pirate."

The kid's eyes get really big, and he sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two pirates meet on a dock...

The first pirate notices the other has a peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch.

First Pirate: "Yar! What happened to you matey?!"

Second Pirate: "I got thrown overboard during a storm and me leg bitten off by a shark!"

First Pirate: "Oh no! That's terrible luck! But what ...

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The story of John, the betting salior.

John was a young military salior with an unusual ability. He could make very off-the-wall predictions, and he had a knack for making money off them.

One day, a shipmate finds him making a small X on the deck with tape, and asks what he's doing. John stands up. "I'll bet you fifty bucks, in ex...

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Once, I met a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch

I asked him "What happened to your leg?"

"Arr," he responded, "One day I was in a battle at sea and a cannon ball blew my leg right off. I cut the throat of the man who fired the shot though."

"That sounds awful. What happened to your hand?"

"Arr, one day at sea I was knocked of...

An old pirate walks into a bar...

He had the whole package: pegleg, hook for hand and an eyepatch.
He gets some stares from the other guests as he takes his seat by the bar.
Eventually one of the guests dares to ask: "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arr I only fell overboard one time in me whole pirate career and that's when ...

A pastor decides to blow off his Sunday service and go golfing.

"See that?" St Peter says to God, pointing down at the errant preacher teeing up at the first hole.

"Yup" says God, "I'll fix him, the little truant!"

WIth that, God waves his arm, and the vicar tees off.

The ball hits a tree, flies straight up in the air, where it's caught by a...

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar.

They sit down next to each other and get to Talking. Their chat soon turns to their sea Adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting Wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing Ships and killing his enemies.
The sailor notices That the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a Peg leg, ...

An old pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch walks into a bar

The bartender says:

”Whoa, that’s quite a get up you got there! Tell me how you got that peg leg.”

The pirate explains:

”Yarr! Ah lost me leg in a mighty battle with the toyal navy!”

The bartender asks:

”Wow, how about the hand?”

Pirate:

”’twas me old...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate limps into a bar...

A pirate comes limping into a bar on a peg leg and orders a drink. The bartender asks him how he lost his leg.

"Shark bit me bloody leg off."

A week later, same pirate limps into the bar, this time with a hook where his hand used to be. Bartender says "Boy, you're having a rough time,...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a pirate.

A man strolls into his local bar and is shocked to see a pirate sitting at the end of the bar. The guy was decked out, eye patch, peg leg, and a hook hand. A real, proper pirate.

So the man says "why not?" And pulls up a seat next to the pirate. He buys a round for himself and the pirate and ...

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz was elated to discover a food that when fed to dolphins enabled them to live eternal lives. One day the biologist found that he was out of seagull mash, a main ingredient in the eternal life food. Worried that the he would miss the next c...

A teacher confiscates two birds, a dog, and a handgun from a kindergarten student.

Teacher: "What are you doing with these things?!"

Student: "I'm practicing my alphabet."

Teacher: "Bringing animals and a gun to class is no way to learn!"

Student: "Sure it is. I have a beagle, a seagull, a Deagle, and an eagle."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries

First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' ...

A young man takes a seat next to a pirate in a tavern.

He quickly notices that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook in place of a hand, and an eye-patch.

He can’t help himself. “Sir, I just have to ask, what happened to your foot?”

“Well, matey, t’was a vicious storm one night, and I was thrown overboard. A great big shark bit me leg clean o...

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A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like...