What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

I have opinions about many insects,

But I can say for a fact that mosquitos suck.

What's the world's deadliest insect?

The hepatitis bee.

How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

I met the most minuscule insect and he was really well behaved.

He was a beady ant.

Why are insects farmed for food always organic?

They don't use insecticide.

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded,

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?

Buoyant!

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

What contains a small dog and an insect?

Repugnant.

What do you call insects on the moon?

Lunatics

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

What do you call an insect playing the piano?

BEEthoven

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family was driving behind the garbage truck

... when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry honey - that was just an insect."

To which little Johnny replies "I'm surprised it could get off the fucking ground with a co...

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

What do you call it when there are small numbers of insects living in your apartment walls?

TenAnts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.

They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just ate all the insects in our nature reserve, and my boss is about to find out...

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.

What do you call an insect in a Muslim place of worship?

A mosque-ito!

Why do decommissioned terminators kill insects?

Because they are exterminators.

I did pretty well in my insect catching exam...

I got a bee.

What do you call a black and yellow insect that isn't overly confident in itself?

A humblebee.

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk?

Because it was a mute ant.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

Who are the bookkeepers of the insect world?

Account ants.

I wrote a game about insects that didn’t go well.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the “it’s buggy as hell” reviews as good ratings.

The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.

She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an insect?

Dead ant.

Dead ant.

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaaant!

A fruit, an insect, and a Chinese surname walk into a bar.

Well, a pear, ant, lee.

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

The surgeon really did not know how to perform quick surgeries on insects...

...but he did one on the fly.

(OC) What kind of insect always flies back to you?

A frisbee.

What do you call a small insect that likes to download things illegally off the internet?

A Tor-ant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an insect with a massive penis?

Daddy schlong legs

Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

I was a party. My friend said, "You see that girl over there? She's hardcore. She gets high by snorting insects."

I made a beeline for her.

Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect?

They're the brightest one.

Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects?

Because he's an ex-terminator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

What insect is the Wood Ant related to?

The Should Ant and the Could Ant.

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

What do you call an insect on your family tree?

An ANT-cestor.

Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact ...

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Giant Insect!

Young Mathilda is out driving with her mom as suddenly a giant dildo slams the front window.

They were both shocked and Mathilda asks her mom what it was.

A little flustered her mom innocently told her that it was just an insect.

Mathilda then said "Wow that insect had a giant c...

What's the last thing that goes through an insects mind when it hits the windscreen?

The ass.

TIL Asians regularly eat insects

I heard they love lice

Who always wins the insect election?

The lesser of two weevils.

Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.

They're the account ants

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

I went for lunch with my accountant and he ordered a bowl of insects...

Then he started picking out just the really juicy looking ants and popping them in his mouth like m&ms.

I said "What the hell are you doing?"

"I only handle finance." he said.

Second half centipede

The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they rat were more highly developed and had greater abilities.
To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a foot...

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

What kind of insects to secret agents like? (as told by my 9 yr old)

Spiders.

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shopping for insect repellent spray is so sexy....

I always get Off.

What do you call a group of 10 insects that live in a housing complex?

Tenants

What do you call an insect that gets exposed to radiation but nothing of consequence happens to it?

A moot ant

Which African Dictator extorts flying insects

Robert Mug-a-bee

What did the pink panther have all over his house after he fumigated for insects?

dead ants... dead ants... dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead aaaaantsss

What do you call a Hungarian insect who won't leave siddhartha alone?

A Buddha-pest.

You'll never find an ant in a church

Because they're inSECTS

I was talking to some insects about my feet.

I think they're pretty big, but mosquitos think they're bite-sized.

From a Friend

Thanos: any last words insect?

Ant-Man: Yes ugly! spell me

Thanos: M-E

Ant-Man: You forgot the "u"

Thanos: There is no "u" in "me"

Ant-Man: Not yet there isn't

\*shrinks\*

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe.

My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

Punny Ant Jokes

What is the dumbest ant?
Ignorant.

What is the bossier ant?
Tyrant.

How many insects does it take to make a landlord?
Ten ants.

What ant is the biggest?
Elephant.

What ant is a military officer?
Sergeant.

A scientist and the Catholic Pope were eating lunch together while discussing the latest news in scientific discovery.

Scientist: Right now, my research team is working on trying to clone insects using gene-replicating techniques.

Pope: That is very interesting! How far have you come along with it?

Scientist: We have engineered the cloning process, now we are going to execute our next phase which is ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant.

But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

A western guy gets a job polishing statues in a natural history museum in India

Before he starts working, some locals warn him of the last man who did this job. "Ve should inform you that the insect exhibit is cursed and the poor man's kid vound up dead after he vas seen cleaning here."

The guy says to them, "sounds like a bunch of superstitious nonsense!" and proceeds t...

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