I hate insect puns.

They bug me.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

What do you call an insect's fetish?

Bee DSM

What's the best smelling insect?

This was found on the back of my Laffy Taffy wrapper. The answer is deodor-ant.

What do you call a muslim insect?

A mosque-ito

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

What's the best smelling insect?

A deoder-ANT

What do you call an insect thats also a musician?

Bee-thoven

What would you call an insect version of a furry?

Creepy

Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for o...

Saw a group of magical insects escape a flood in a tiny ship of their own creation.

Could this be the fabled Ark of the Coven-Ants?

What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

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Who watches insect porn?

A horny dyslexic

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

What do you call an anti vax insect?

A Rolio Polio

Define: Politics

(poli) many (tics) blood-sucking insects

Which insect is always the first to leave?

The flea

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The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

What do you say to an annoying insect?

'Stop bugging me!'

Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

A salesman was travelling through the countryside,

selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that b...

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded,

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

I have opinions about many insects,

But I can say for a fact that mosquitos suck.

What's the world's deadliest insect?

The hepatitis bee.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

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A family are driving behind a garbage truck....

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off th...

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

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Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

What do you call a crazy blood sucking insect?

A lunatick!

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

Why are insects farmed for food always organic?

They don't use insecticide.

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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?

Buoyant!

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

What contains a small dog and an insect?

Repugnant.

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What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

The army and the navy were looking for new recruits, when two boll weevil brothers showed up.

The older brother had worked in Hollywood as the go-to guy whenever an insect was needed in a movie, while the other brother had never amounted to much.

The army recruited the older brother, while the navy recruited the younger brother. That day, the navy won a battle, while the army lost a b...

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I just ate all the insects in our nature reserve, and my boss is about to find out...

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.

What do you call it when there are small numbers of insects living in your apartment walls?

TenAnts

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.

They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"

I did pretty well in my insect catching exam...

I got a bee.

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk?

Because it was a mute ant.

A fruit, an insect, and a Chinese surname walk into a bar.

Well, a pear, ant, lee.

What do you call a black and yellow insect that isn't overly confident in itself?

A humblebee.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

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The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.

She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

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What do you call it when an insect has a hardware fetish?

A butterfly nut.

I wrote a game about insects that didn’t go well.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the “it’s buggy as hell” reviews as good ratings.

What do you call a small insect that likes to download things illegally off the internet?

A Tor-ant

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

The surgeon really did not know how to perform quick surgeries on insects...

...but he did one on the fly.

A father and son are watching a documentary about evolution...

...the boy had already watched this episode and was viewing it again carefully as he found it a bit confusing as to what the different prehistoric animals were evolving into. He recalled this episode ended with an ant-like insect becoming a crustacean-like animal. By the end he said 'Ep seen, did an...

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an insect?

Dead ant.

Dead ant.

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaaant!

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I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

(OC) What kind of insect always flies back to you?

A frisbee.

Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect?

They're the brightest one.

I was a party. My friend said, "You see that girl over there? She's hardcore. She gets high by snorting insects."

I made a beeline for her.

What insect is the Wood Ant related to?

The Should Ant and the Could Ant.

Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects?

Because he's an ex-terminator

Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

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Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact ...

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

What do you call an insect on your family tree?

An ANT-cestor.

Who always wins the insect election?

The lesser of two weevils.

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

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Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

What do you call a group of 10 insects that live in a housing complex?

Tenants

Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.

They're the account ants

I went for lunch with my accountant and he ordered a bowl of insects...

Then he started picking out just the really juicy looking ants and popping them in his mouth like m&ms.

I said "What the hell are you doing?"

"I only handle finance." he said.

TIL Asians regularly eat insects

I heard they love lice

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What's the last thing that goes through an insects mind when it hits the windscreen?

The ass.

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

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Giant Insect!

Young Mathilda is out driving with her mom as suddenly a giant dildo slams the front window.

They were both shocked and Mathilda asks her mom what it was.

A little flustered her mom innocently told her that it was just an insect.

Mathilda then said "Wow that insect had a giant c...

What do you call an eight-legged insect holding a magnifying glass?

A spy, duh.

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Shopping for insect repellent spray is so sexy....

I always get Off.

What do you call an insect that gets exposed to radiation but nothing of consequence happens to it?

A moot ant

Which African Dictator extorts flying insects

Robert Mug-a-bee

What did the pink panther have all over his house after he fumigated for insects?

dead ants... dead ants... dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead aaaaantsss

Several insects dancing in a pen, what is the name of the movie?

In The Pen Dance Day

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