What does the hero of Asgard have in common with most insects?

A Thor axe.

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

I used to kill humans for a living. Now, I kill insects;

You could say that I like being an... EX-terminator.

Who keeps the picnic insects in good working order?

The maintain-ants department.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender r...

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, It was at Walmart."

What do alcoholic insects drink?

Molt liquor

So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it is B.P.

Why do poor people eat insects?

Because they're locust!

I told my friends I was a blood sucking insect from the moon

they said I was a luna tick.

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Insects are apparently the superfood of the future. I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

A strange insect crawled onto my kitchen counter & exploded!

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs

What do you call an insect with a high fat diet?

A mosKeto!

Why did the Insect MMA manager get nervous?

His fly was down.

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

I love insect jokes

I can make them on the fly

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is ...

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A man walks into an insect shop...

and asks for several bags of cockroaches.

"What are you using all the cockroaches for?" the cashier asks.

"Well..." the man said, "the landlord asked I leave his property the same way I found it."

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Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

What’s a cats favorite insect to chase?

Waspspspspsps

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

What do you call a mad insect on the moon?

A Lunatic

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

What do you call an insect that is into electronic music?

A house fly.

Today, while googling something about insects...

i found out that the only continent lacking indigenous ants is ANTARCTICA.

Makes no sense at all :-)

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

A scientist is doing experiments on an ant

He puts the ant on the table and says:
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks to the other side of the table
The man writes in his notepad:
"The ant with 6 legs walks"

He then, proceeds to take one leg off the insect, and repeats the same process
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks...

What is the holiest insect?

A praying mantis

I hate insect puns.

They bug me.

I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, "I think your fly is open."

American scientists experimented on some spiders to find out more about the fascinating insect

They started off by saying to the spider to run.

As they all thought the spider started to run.

Then they removed all the legs from the spider and told the spider to run again.

And as they thought the spider didn't run.

The American scientists then concluded that spide...

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me"

"Don't worry it's just a bug that going around"

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

I know a guy who has a fetish for insect repellents.

He likes to get OFF.

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

What do you call an insect that hates changes?

A const-ant.

Not your dairy insect

An ant was walking around when it found a 5inch ant of his very same species:

- Why are youso big, it asked
- I drink a lot of milk

"Lactose in taller ant"

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

A new flour made from ground-up insects could keep millions around the world from going hungry!

It's simply the bee's knees!

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A boy finally works up the courage to ask the girl he likes out on a date.

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the gi...

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

What do you call an insect's fetish?

Bee DSM

What's the best smelling insect?

A deoder-ANT

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Who watches insect porn?

A horny dyslexic

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

What do you call an insect with five legs?

An NSYNC-t

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

Visiting Nan's for Halloween

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for o...

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

What do you call an insect thats also a musician?

Bee-thoven

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

What do you say to an annoying insect?

'Stop bugging me!'

Which insect is always the first to leave?

The flea

Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

What would you call an insect version of a furry?

Creepy

What's the world's deadliest insect?

The hepatitis bee.

What do you call an anti vax insect?

A Rolio Polio

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everything alright? Did that man hurt you?", Dave asked.

"No no, everything is alright.", she says as she wipes her tears. "How can i help you?"

"...

What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

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The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

What do you call an insect playing the piano?

BEEthoven

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

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Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact ...

Saw a group of magical insects escape a flood in a tiny ship of their own creation.

Could this be the fabled Ark of the Coven-Ants?

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What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

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I just ate all the insects in our nature reserve, and my boss is about to find out...

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?

Buoyant!

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The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.

She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"

What do you call a small insect that likes to download things illegally off the internet?

A Tor-ant

What insect is the Wood Ant related to?

The Should Ant and the Could Ant.

What contains a small dog and an insect?

Repugnant.

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

I did pretty well in my insect catching exam...

I got a bee.

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Don't worry; that was an insect.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the gro...

Natural causes.

Once upon a time there was an old woman who was sick of her husband, but didn't want to get divorced. She knew he had a severe allergy to insect bites and stings, so she developed a plan.

She asked a friend who had a hive to give her the dead bodies of the insects around the hive. She took t...

Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.

They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"

What do you call it when there are small numbers of insects living in your apartment walls?

TenAnts

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I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

Spiderman found dead this morning

Police believe he commited insecticide

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk?

Because it was a mute ant.

Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English

It's made up of two other parts.

1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood sucking insects.

I wrote a game about insects that didn’t go well.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the “it’s buggy as hell” reviews as good ratings.

Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect?

They're the brightest one.

A fruit, an insect, and a Chinese surname walk into a bar.

Well, a pear, ant, lee.

I was a party. My friend said, "You see that girl over there? She's hardcore. She gets high by snorting insects."

I made a beeline for her.

The surgeon really did not know how to perform quick surgeries on insects...

...but he did one on the fly.

What do you call a black and yellow insect that isn't overly confident in itself?

A humblebee.

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

What do you call an insect on your family tree?

An ANT-cestor.

Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

(OC) What kind of insect always flies back to you?

A frisbee.

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an insect?

Dead ant.

Dead ant.

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaaant!

Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.

They're the account ants

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