Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

What do you call a crazy blood sucking insect?

A lunatick!

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The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

What do you say to an annoying insect?

'Stop bugging me!'

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

What's the world's deadliest insect?

The hepatitis bee.

How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?

Buoyant!

How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

I have opinions about many insects,

But I can say for a fact that mosquitos suck.

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

What contains a small dog and an insect?

Repugnant.

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

What do you call insects on the moon?

Lunatics

What do you call an insect playing the piano?

BEEthoven

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A family was driving behind the garbage truck

... when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry honey - that was just an insect."

To which little Johnny replies "I'm surprised it could get off the fucking ground with a co...

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

Insect is a dangerous word to type with autocorrect on

I just told my boss that I love incests and invited her to see my collection at home.

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

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What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

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I just ate all the insects in our nature reserve, and my boss is about to find out...

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.

What do you call an insect in a Muslim place of worship?

A mosque-ito!

Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.

They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"

I did pretty well in my insect catching exam...

I got a bee.

What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

What do you call a black and yellow insect that isn't overly confident in itself?

A humblebee.

Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk?

Because it was a mute ant.

A fruit, an insect, and a Chinese surname walk into a bar.

Well, a pear, ant, lee.

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What do you call it when an insect has a hardware fetish?

A butterfly nut.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

Who are the bookkeepers of the insect world?

Account ants.

I wrote a game about insects that didn’t go well.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the “it’s buggy as hell” reviews as good ratings.

I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded.

I think it was a jihaddy long legs.

The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.

She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an insect?

Dead ant.

Dead ant.

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaaant!

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

(OC) What kind of insect always flies back to you?

A frisbee.

The surgeon really did not know how to perform quick surgeries on insects...

...but he did one on the fly.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

What do you call a small insect that likes to download things illegally off the internet?

A Tor-ant

Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

I was a party. My friend said, "You see that girl over there? She's hardcore. She gets high by snorting insects."

I made a beeline for her.

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect?

They're the brightest one.

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I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

What do you call an insect that brings goods into the country?

An important!

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects?

Because he's an ex-terminator

What insect is the Wood Ant related to?

The Should Ant and the Could Ant.

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

What do you call an insect on your family tree?

An ANT-cestor.

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Giant Insect!

Young Mathilda is out driving with her mom as suddenly a giant dildo slams the front window.

They were both shocked and Mathilda asks her mom what it was.

A little flustered her mom innocently told her that it was just an insect.

Mathilda then said "Wow that insect had a giant c...

Second half centipede

The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they rat were more highly developed and had greater abilities.
To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a foot...

Who always wins the insect election?

The lesser of two weevils.

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact ...

What's the last thing that goes through an insects mind when it hits the windscreen?

The ass.

TIL Asians regularly eat insects

I heard they love lice

Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.

They're the account ants

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

I went for lunch with my accountant and he ordered a bowl of insects...

Then he started picking out just the really juicy looking ants and popping them in his mouth like m&ms.

I said "What the hell are you doing?"

"I only handle finance." he said.

What kind of insects to secret agents like? (as told by my 9 yr old)

Spiders.

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

What do you call an eight-legged insect holding a magnifying glass?

A spy, duh.

What do you call a group of 10 insects that live in a housing complex?

Tenants

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Billy and his mom are in their car on a highway...

... when, suddenly, a big pink dildo hits the windshield:
“What was that?!” Asks little Billy
“That... hum... that... that was just an insect Billy!”
... 5 minutes pass...
“Well... it sure had a big dick, mom.”

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Shopping for insect repellent spray is so sexy....

I always get Off.

Which African Dictator extorts flying insects

Robert Mug-a-bee

Several insects dancing in a pen, what is the name of the movie?

In The Pen Dance Day

What did the pink panther have all over his house after he fumigated for insects?

dead ants... dead ants... dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead ants, dead aaaaantsss

What do you call a Hungarian insect who won't leave siddhartha alone?

A Buddha-pest.

What do you call an insect that gets exposed to radiation but nothing of consequence happens to it?

A moot ant

I was talking to some insects about my feet.

I think they're pretty big, but mosquitos think they're bite-sized.

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

A policeman pulled me over

What do you do for a living, sir?



It's a strange profession, you have probably never heard of it. But I'm an insect blender.



An... insect blender?



Yes, I combine insects for a living



Right...



A few minutes later I reached int...

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3 men go to a bug farm

3 men get drunk one night and break into a Bug Farm. They start smashing away at the signs and windows, before each settling on an enclosure to destroy, killing every insect they find there.

The beam from a flashlight illuminates them all mid-destruction, and an enormous security guard appreh...

From a Friend

Thanos: any last words insect?

Ant-Man: Yes ugly! spell me

Thanos: M-E

Ant-Man: You forgot the "u"

Thanos: There is no "u" in "me"

Ant-Man: Not yet there isn't

\*shrinks\*

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