Flying Insects

A flying insect has just crashed into our bedroom window and exploded!

I think it was a jihaddy long legs

What is the holiest insect?

A praying mantis

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, "I think your fly is open."

I hate insect puns.

They bug me.

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

A large oil company has announced it's going to start producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it's BP

I know a guy who has a fetish for insect repellents.

He likes to get OFF.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.


Now I'm a bee-leaver.

What do you call an insect that hates changes?

A const-ant.

A new flour made from ground-up insects could keep millions around the world from going hungry!

It's simply the bee's knees!

Not your dairy insect

An ant was walking around when it found a 5inch ant of his very same species:

- Why are youso big, it asked
- I drink a lot of milk

"Lactose in taller ant"

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

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Who watches insect porn?

A horny dyslexic

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me"

"Don't worry it's just a bug that going around"

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A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield...

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

What's the best smelling insect?

This was found on the back of my Laffy Taffy wrapper. The answer is deodor-ant.

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

What do you call an insect's fetish?

Bee DSM

What's the best smelling insect?

A deoder-ANT

What do you call an insect with five legs?

An NSYNC-t

What do you call an insect thats also a musician?

Bee-thoven

What would you call an insect version of a furry?

Creepy

Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for o...

Saw a group of magical insects escape a flood in a tiny ship of their own creation.

Could this be the fabled Ark of the Coven-Ants?

What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

What do you call an anti vax insect?

A Rolio Polio

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

What do you say to an annoying insect?

'Stop bugging me!'

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

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The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

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They say when you're nervous, you get butterflies in your stomach.

This really bugged me, so I had a surgeon perform an insect-ion to see if this was true. The results were extremely alarving. What they found in my stomach will moth likely make you feel sqwormish.

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

I have opinions about many insects,

But I can say for a fact that mosquitos suck.

Finally watched the Bee movie

It was good insect-ions

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

What do you call an insect playing the piano?

BEEthoven

Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

What's the world's deadliest insect?

The hepatitis bee.

How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

Why are insects farmed for food always organic?

They don't use insecticide.

What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

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What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

Explaining Words



Poli.....Latin for "many"

Tics....blood sucking insects



Politics

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

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I just ate all the insects in our nature reserve, and my boss is about to find out...

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

What do you call it when there are small numbers of insects living in your apartment walls?

TenAnts

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.

They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"

I did pretty well in my insect catching exam...

I got a bee.

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

What do you call a small insect that likes to download things illegally off the internet?

A Tor-ant

Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk?

Because it was a mute ant.

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The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.

She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"

A salesman was travelling through the countryside,

selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that b...

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Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact ...

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

A fruit, an insect, and a Chinese surname walk into a bar.

Well, a pear, ant, lee.

What do you call a black and yellow insect that isn't overly confident in itself?

A humblebee.

Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects?

Because he's an ex-terminator

I wrote a game about insects that didn’t go well.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the “it’s buggy as hell” reviews as good ratings.

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What do you call it when an insect has a hardware fetish?

A butterfly nut.

What insect is the Wood Ant related to?

The Should Ant and the Could Ant.

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I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

The surgeon really did not know how to perform quick surgeries on insects...

...but he did one on the fly.

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect?

They're the brightest one.

I was a party. My friend said, "You see that girl over there? She's hardcore. She gets high by snorting insects."

I made a beeline for her.

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an insect?

Dead ant.

Dead ant.

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaaant!

(OC) What kind of insect always flies back to you?

A frisbee.

Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

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Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

What do you call an insect on your family tree?

An ANT-cestor.

Whats a insect with a penny?

A centipede

Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.

They're the account ants

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

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Giant Insect!

Young Mathilda is out driving with her mom as suddenly a giant dildo slams the front window.

They were both shocked and Mathilda asks her mom what it was.

A little flustered her mom innocently told her that it was just an insect.

Mathilda then said "Wow that insect had a giant c...

I went for lunch with my accountant and he ordered a bowl of insects...

Then he started picking out just the really juicy looking ants and popping them in his mouth like m&ms.

I said "What the hell are you doing?"

"I only handle finance." he said.

TIL Asians regularly eat insects

I heard they love lice

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What's the last thing that goes through an insects mind when it hits the windscreen?

The ass.

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

What do you call a group of 10 insects that live in a housing complex?

Tenants

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