UPJOKE
termitearthropodpupabeetlelarvapestexoskeletonlouseinvertebratewaspbeecompound eyeantwormholometabolism

what did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect?

"good eye, mite"

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

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Just an insect

A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ...

My job is hosting a dating website for insects…….

Don’t judge me. I’m just trying to make ants meet

Where do insects shop at?

The Flea Market!

Which insect do Americans find most confusing?

Cricket.

what do you call it when a swarm of insects goes to italy?

a venice fly trip

What does the hero of Asgard have in common with most insects?

A Thor axe.

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Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

Did you hear the one about the extremely adaptable chiropractor to insects?

They were great at making adjustments on the fly.

I was in a bug infested restaurant recently and saw a guy pay a gratuity to a group of airborne insects…

He was arrested for illegal fly-tipping!

How do they kill unwanted insects in the Hungarian capital?

With Budapesticide.

What European city has the most insects?

Antwerp!

I'm really fed up of those insects that worship their Queen.

Sycophants.

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what do you call someone who likes all kinds of insects

beesexual

I love insect jokes

I can make them on the fly

I hate insect puns.

They bug me.

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A man walks into an insect shop...

and asks for several bags of cockroaches.

"What are you using all the cockroaches for?" the cashier asks.

"Well..." the man said, "the landlord asked I leave his property the same way I found it."

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

Flying Insects

A flying insect has just crashed into our bedroom window and exploded!

I think it was a jihaddy long legs

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When an insect hits your windshield at 75 MPH, what is the last thing that goes through its’ mind ?

Its’ asshole

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

Did you hear about the winged insect from America that evolved to be compatible with computers?

It was a US Bee

What do alcoholic insects drink?

Molt liquor

What do you call it when two insect siblings that get together?

An insectuous relationship

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

I just made a joke about the EU's decision to allow insects in food.

[crickets]

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

Why do poor people eat insects?

Because they're locust!

What is the holiest insect?

A praying mantis

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is ...

Why did the Insect MMA manager get nervous?

His fly was down.

Not your dairy insect

An ant was walking around when it found a 5inch ant of his very same species:

- Why are youso big, it asked
- I drink a lot of milk

"Lactose in taller ant"

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

Who keeps the picnic insects in good working order?

The maintain-ants department.

What’s a cats favorite insect to chase?

Waspspspspsps

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

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Who watches insect porn?

A horny dyslexic

What's the best smelling insect?

A deoder-ANT

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

I told my friends I was a blood sucking insect from the moon

they said I was a luna tick.

What do you call an insect with a high fat diet?

A mosKeto!

What do you call a mad insect on the moon?

A Lunatic

Why did the Ex-Amish guy not clean all the dead insects off his new car?

He was used to his transport being a little buggy.

Today, while googling something about insects...

i found out that the only continent lacking indigenous ants is ANTARCTICA.

Makes no sense at all :-)

What do you call an insect that hates changes?

A const-ant.

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it is B.P.

Which insect is always the first to leave?

The flea

I used to kill humans for a living. Now, I kill insects;

You could say that I like being an... EX-terminator.

What do you call an insect that is into electronic music?

A house fly.

I'll tell you what's a dangerous insect...

....That Hepatitis Bee

Every time I'm at the circus, insects keep keep buzzing around my head whispering the future to me.

Time flies when you're having fun.

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During my visit to Bruxelles over the weekend, I was offered a burger made from insects and everyone assured me it tasted 100% like the real thing.

I thought "Fuck, how do those guys in Belgium know how crickets taste?"

I know a guy who has a fetish for insect repellents.

He likes to get OFF.

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

What do you say to an annoying insect?

'Stop bugging me!'

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me"

"Don't worry it's just a bug that going around"

I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, "I think your fly is open."

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

What do you call an anti vax insect?

A Rolio Polio

Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for o...

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Giant Insect!

Young Mathilda is out driving with her mom as suddenly a giant dildo slams the front window.

They were both shocked and Mathilda asks her mom what it was.

A little flustered her mom innocently told her that it was just an insect.

Mathilda then said "Wow that insect had a giant c...

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

What do you call an insect with five legs?

An NSYNC-t

When I get bitten by insects, one part of my brain is like “be smart, leave it alone”. The other part is like…

“Scratch that”

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

What do you call an insect's fetish?

Bee DSM

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The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

What do you call an insect thats also a musician?

Bee-thoven

Why are insects farmed for food always organic?

They don't use insecticide.

Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

What would you call an insect version of a furry?

Creepy

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Insects are apparently the superfood of the future. I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

What insect is the Wood Ant related to?

The Should Ant and the Could Ant.

What contains a small dog and an insect?

Repugnant.

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I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

I did pretty well in my insect catching exam...

I got a bee.

What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

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Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact ...

How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?

Buoyant!

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect?

They're the brightest one.

I just heard a huge oil company is planning on using insect urine as a source for an alternative fuel.

I think its BP.

TIL Asians regularly eat insects

I heard they love lice

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

I met the most minuscule insect and he was really well behaved.

He was a beady ant.

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The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.

She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

What do you call an insect on your family tree?

An ANT-cestor.

(OC) What kind of insect always flies back to you?

A frisbee.

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

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