A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is ...

Insect Party

A spider, an ant, and a centipede are having a small party and decide that someone needs to go buy a cake at the store. After some thought they decide the centipede should go because he has the most legs so he will be able to get there faster. The centipede leaves and the spider and ant are left to ...

What do you call an insect with a high fat diet?

A mosKeto!

Why did the Insect MMA manager get nervous?

His fly was down.

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

What’s a cats favorite insect to chase?

Waspspspspsps

I love insect jokes

I can make them on the fly

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A man walks into an insect shop...

and asks for several bags of cockroaches.

"What are you using all the cockroaches for?" the cashier asks.

"Well..." the man said, "the landlord asked I leave his property the same way I found it."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

What do you call a mad insect on the moon?

A Lunatic

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

What do you call an insect that is into electronic music?

A house fly.

Today, while googling something about insects...

i found out that the only continent lacking indigenous ants is ANTARCTICA.

Makes no sense at all :-)

What is the holiest insect?

A praying mantis

I hate insect puns.

They bug me.

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Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

A large oil company has announced it's going to start producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it's BP

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

I know a guy who has a fetish for insect repellents.

He likes to get OFF.

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

What do you call an insect that hates changes?

A const-ant.

I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, "I think your fly is open."

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me"

"Don't worry it's just a bug that going around"

A new flour made from ground-up insects could keep millions around the world from going hungry!

It's simply the bee's knees!

Not your dairy insect

An ant was walking around when it found a 5inch ant of his very same species:

- Why are youso big, it asked
- I drink a lot of milk

"Lactose in taller ant"

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English

It's made up of two other parts.

1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood sucking insects.

What do you call an insect's fetish?

Bee DSM

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

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Who watches insect porn?

A horny dyslexic

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

What's the best smelling insect?

This was found on the back of my Laffy Taffy wrapper. The answer is deodor-ant.

Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for o...

Spiderman found dead this morning

Police believe he commited insecticide

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

What do you call an insect thats also a musician?

Bee-thoven

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

What do you call an insect with five legs?

An NSYNC-t

What would you call an insect version of a furry?

Creepy

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded,

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

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A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

What do you call an anti vax insect?

A Rolio Polio

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

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Have you ever wondered how the butterfly got it’s name?

Here’s a little story on how the butterfly got it’s name.

A long time ago there were two old drunks who wandered out into a field and had sat down on an old stump. As they are sitting there they have a canteen of whiskey and they are passing it back and forth. Soon enough both men are very dr...

What do you say to an annoying insect?

'Stop bugging me!'

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

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The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

What do you call an insect playing the piano?

BEEthoven

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

Saw a group of magical insects escape a flood in a tiny ship of their own creation.

Could this be the fabled Ark of the Coven-Ants?

What's the world's deadliest insect?

The hepatitis bee.

I swapped the ‘S’ and ‘C’ keys on my entomologist friends keyboard

*heh* try looking up “insect facts” now!

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

I have opinions about many insects,

But I can say for a fact that mosquitos suck.

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What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

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Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact ...

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?

Buoyant!

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I just ate all the insects in our nature reserve, and my boss is about to find out...

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

I met the most minuscule insect and he was really well behaved.

He was a beady ant.

What contains a small dog and an insect?

Repugnant.

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

What do you call a small insect that likes to download things illegally off the internet?

A Tor-ant

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

What do you call it when there are small numbers of insects living in your apartment walls?

TenAnts

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The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.

She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

I did pretty well in my insect catching exam...

I got a bee.

Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects?

Because he's an ex-terminator

Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.

They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"

What insect is the Wood Ant related to?

The Should Ant and the Could Ant.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk?

Because it was a mute ant.

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I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

I wrote a game about insects that didn’t go well.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the “it’s buggy as hell” reviews as good ratings.

A fruit, an insect, and a Chinese surname walk into a bar.

Well, a pear, ant, lee.

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

What do you call a black and yellow insect that isn't overly confident in itself?

A humblebee.

Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect?

They're the brightest one.

I was a party. My friend said, "You see that girl over there? She's hardcore. She gets high by snorting insects."

I made a beeline for her.

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What do you call it when an insect has a hardware fetish?

A butterfly nut.

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

What do you call an insect on your family tree?

An ANT-cestor.

(OC) What kind of insect always flies back to you?

A frisbee.

Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.

They're the account ants

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

I went for lunch with my accountant and he ordered a bowl of insects...

Then he started picking out just the really juicy looking ants and popping them in his mouth like m&ms.

I said "What the hell are you doing?"

"I only handle finance." he said.

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

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Giant Insect!

Young Mathilda is out driving with her mom as suddenly a giant dildo slams the front window.

They were both shocked and Mathilda asks her mom what it was.

A little flustered her mom innocently told her that it was just an insect.

Mathilda then said "Wow that insect had a giant c...

TIL Asians regularly eat insects

I heard they love lice

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