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Insect Jokes

what did the optometrist say to the tiny Australian insect?

"good eye, mite"

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

What does the hero of Asgard have in common with most insects?

A Thor axe.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

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During my visit to Bruxelles over the weekend, I was offered a burger made from insects and everyone assured me it tasted 100% like the real thing.

I thought "Fuck, how do those guys in Belgium know how crickets taste?"

Did you hear about the winged insect from America that evolved to be compatible with computers?

It was a US Bee

How do they kill unwanted insects in the Hungarian capital?

With Budapesticide.

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck…

when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry. That was an insect.” To which one of the boys replies,

“I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”

I'm really fed up of those insects that worship their Queen.

Sycophants.

I just made a joke about the EU's decision to allow insects in food.

[crickets]

Which insect do Americans find most confusing?

Cricket.

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what do you call someone who likes all kinds of insects

beesexual

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

What do you call it when two insect siblings that get together?

An insectuous relationship

Every time I'm at the circus, insects keep keep buzzing around my head whispering the future to me.

Time flies when you're having fun.

Why did the Ex-Amish guy not clean all the dead insects off his new car?

He was used to his transport being a little buggy.

What European city has the most insects?

Antwerp!

A scientist is doing experiments on an ant

He puts the ant on the table and says:
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks to the other side of the table
The man writes in his notepad:
"The ant with 6 legs walks"

He then, proceeds to take one leg off the insect, and repeats the same process
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks...

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

wasp spray

A guy walks into his local pub and finds the bartender out cleaning off the dining area on the patio and spraying for bugs. "Flying insect spray, huh?" the guy asks as he picks up the can and examines the label. "Is this stuff good for wasps?" "No," the bartender replies. "It kills them."

So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it is B.P.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

When I get bitten by insects, one part of my brain is like “be smart, leave it alone”. The other part is like…

“Scratch that”

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

I used to kill humans for a living. Now, I kill insects;

You could say that I like being an... EX-terminator.

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

I told my friends I was a blood sucking insect from the moon

they said I was a luna tick.

What do alcoholic insects drink?

Molt liquor

Who keeps the picnic insects in good working order?

The maintain-ants department.

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

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Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

What do you call a cat-loving stinging insect?

A waspspspspsps.

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A boy finally works up the courage to ask the girl he likes out on a date.

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the gi...

Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English

It's made up of two other parts.

1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood sucking insects.

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Insects are apparently the superfood of the future. I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

Why do poor people eat insects?

Because they're locust!

What do you call an insect with a high fat diet?

A mosKeto!

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everything alright? Did that man hurt you?", Dave asked.

"No no, everything is alright.", she says as she wipes her tears. "How can i help you?"

"...

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

If Poly means many then...

Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects

I love insect jokes

I can make them on the fly

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

Why did the Insect MMA manager get nervous?

His fly was down.

Visiting Nan's for Halloween

Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year.

A strange insect crawled onto my kitchen counter & exploded!

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs

I swapped the ‘S’ and ‘C’ keys on my entomologist friends keyboard

*heh* try looking up “insect facts” now!

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A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

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They say when you're nervous, you get butterflies in your stomach.

This really bugged me, so I had a surgeon perform an insect-ion to see if this was true. The results were extremely alarving. What they found in my stomach will moth likely make you feel sqwormish.

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NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

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A man walks into an insect shop...

and asks for several bags of cockroaches.

"What are you using all the cockroaches for?" the cashier asks.

"Well..." the man said, "the landlord asked I leave his property the same way I found it."

What is the holiest insect?

A praying mantis

I hate insect puns.

They bug me.

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

What do you call an insect that is into electronic music?

A house fly.

What do you call a mad insect on the moon?

A Lunatic

What’s a cats favorite insect to chase?

Waspspspspsps

I just heard a huge oil company is planning on using insect urine as a source for an alternative fuel.

I think its BP.

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Have you ever wondered how the butterfly got it’s name?

Here’s a little story on how the butterfly got it’s name.

A long time ago there were two old drunks who wandered out into a field and had sat down on an old stump. As they are sitting there they have a canteen of whiskey and they are passing it back and forth. Soon enough both men are very dr...

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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

What do you call an insect that hates changes?

A const-ant.

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My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, "I think your fly is open."

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

Explaining Words



Poli.....Latin for "many"

Tics....blood sucking insects



Politics

Finally watched the Bee movie

It was good insect-ions

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A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar [LONG]

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is ...

Today, while googling something about insects...

i found out that the only continent lacking indigenous ants is ANTARCTICA.

Makes no sense at all :-)

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

Not your dairy insect

An ant was walking around when it found a 5inch ant of his very same species:

- Why are youso big, it asked
- I drink a lot of milk

"Lactose in taller ant"

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Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.

The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying ...

A new flour made from ground-up insects could keep millions around the world from going hungry!

It's simply the bee's knees!

I know a guy who has a fetish for insect repellents.

He likes to get OFF.

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

New Bee Species

I was reading an article this week about this new bee they found in one of the Dakotas.

Apparently they have one of the worst stings known to man, and can actually knock out a full grown adult who gets stung.

The other worst part is that like a lot of insects, they try to lay eggs in t...

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Dave and his blunt

Dave is sitting at home one day smoking a blunt. He smokes half of it, when all of a sudden he gets a heart attack and dies. When Dave gets into Heaven, he asks God if he could turn him into an insect so he can finish his weed. God agrees and turns Dave into a spider. Dave the spider finds himself o...

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Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

Insect Fact #473: When a bee hive gets ready to release new queens to fly off and start new hives, the worker bees do a little waggle dance before sending them on their way.

Sort of an Apis Milfera-well.

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

Bob Had Terrible BO...

And no matter how much he washed or scrubbed, he couldn't get rid of it. He tried hundreds of soaps and shampoos but nothing seemed to work. He showered five times a day, kept the AC on 24/7 and avoided garlic and beans like the plague, but alas people still gagged as they walked behind him.

...

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

A father and son are watching a documentary about evolution...

...the boy had already watched this episode and was viewing it again carefully as he found it a bit confusing as to what the different prehistoric animals were evolving into. He recalled this episode ended with an ant-like insect becoming a crustacean-like animal. By the end he said 'Ep seen, did an...

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

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A dildo hits the windshield of a car.

Girl: Mom, what was it?
Mom: nothing sweetheart, just a big insect.
Girl: he had a huge cock though!

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

I went into a pet shop and said ...

I’d like to buy a wasp please. Sorry sir we don’t sell insects. I said no no, not a live one, a dead wasp. What makes you think we’d sell you a dead wasp? Well, I said, you do have one in your window.....

What's the best smelling insect?

A deoder-ANT

What do you call an insect with five legs?

An NSYNC-t

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

Me and my friend were out camping in a thick tropical forest.

As we set camp for the night, we were being swarmed by huge mosquitoes. My friend, being a person who was brought up in a posh neighborhood, had never seen such an insect and was terrified. After having a hard time spraying mosquito repellent inside the camp and our sleeping bags, we slid into our s...

Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

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