A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is ...

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A man walks into an insect shop...

and asks for several bags of cockroaches.

"What are you using all the cockroaches for?" the cashier asks.

"Well..." the man said, "the landlord asked I leave his property the same way I found it."

If an insect undergoes mutation...

Is it a bug or is it a glitch?

Flying Insects

A flying insect has just crashed into our bedroom window and exploded!

I think it was a jihaddy long legs

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

What do you call an insect that is into electronic music?

A house fly.

Today, while googling something about insects...

i found out that the only continent lacking indigenous ants is ANTARCTICA.

Makes no sense at all :-)

What is the holiest insect?

A praying mantis

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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartend...

I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, "I think your fly is open."

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Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

I know a guy who has a fetish for insect repellents.

He likes to get OFF.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.


Now I'm a bee-leaver.

What do you call an insect that hates changes?

A const-ant.

American scientists experimented on some spiders to find out more about the fascinating insect

They started off by saying to the spider to run.

As they all thought the spider started to run.

Then they removed all the legs from the spider and told the spider to run again.

And as they thought the spider didn't run.

The American scientists then concluded that spide...

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

A large oil company has announced it's going to start producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it's BP

A new flour made from ground-up insects could keep millions around the world from going hungry!

It's simply the bee's knees!

Not your dairy insect

An ant was walking around when it found a 5inch ant of his very same species:

- Why are youso big, it asked
- I drink a lot of milk

"Lactose in taller ant"

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A mother is driving her son to school.

She is driving behind a garbage truck when suddenly a huge black dildo flies out of the top of the truck, smacks the windscreen and rolls off. The son says 'Mum, what was that', Mother replies, 'oh, that was just an insect son, nothing to worry about'... Son Replies 'I'm surprised it could get off ...

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me"

"Don't worry it's just a bug that going around"

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

What's the best smelling insect?

This was found on the back of my Laffy Taffy wrapper. The answer is deodor-ant.

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Who watches insect porn?

A horny dyslexic

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

I saw a bunch of insect larva on my porch

You've got to bee kidding me!

What do you call an insect's fetish?

Bee DSM

What's the best smelling insect?

A deoder-ANT

Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for o...

What do you call an insect thats also a musician?

Bee-thoven

Saw a group of magical insects escape a flood in a tiny ship of their own creation.

Could this be the fabled Ark of the Coven-Ants?

Which insect is always the first to leave?

The flea

What do you call an insect with five legs?

An NSYNC-t

What would you call an insect version of a furry?

Creepy

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

What do you call an anti vax insect?

A Rolio Polio

What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

What do you say to an annoying insect?

'Stop bugging me!'

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

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The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

What's the world's deadliest insect?

The hepatitis bee.

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

I have opinions about many insects,

But I can say for a fact that mosquitos suck.

How do you make an insect trip?

Antacid

How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

Why are insects farmed for food always organic?

They don't use insecticide.

What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

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What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

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They say when you're nervous, you get butterflies in your stomach.

This really bugged me, so I had a surgeon perform an insect-ion to see if this was true. The results were extremely alarving. What they found in my stomach will moth likely make you feel sqwormish.

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I just ate all the insects in our nature reserve, and my boss is about to find out...

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.

What contains a small dog and an insect?

Repugnant.

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

Why do decommissioned terminators kill insects?

Because they are exterminators.

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

What do you call it when there are small numbers of insects living in your apartment walls?

TenAnts

Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.

They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"

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The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.

She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"

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Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact ...

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

Finally watched the Bee movie

It was good insect-ions

I did pretty well in my insect catching exam...

I got a bee.

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

What do you call a small insect that likes to download things illegally off the internet?

A Tor-ant

Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk?

Because it was a mute ant.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects?

Because he's an ex-terminator

A fruit, an insect, and a Chinese surname walk into a bar.

Well, a pear, ant, lee.

What do you call a black and yellow insect that isn't overly confident in itself?

A humblebee.

I wrote a game about insects that didn’t go well.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken the “it’s buggy as hell” reviews as good ratings.

What insect is the Wood Ant related to?

The Should Ant and the Could Ant.

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

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I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

The surgeon really did not know how to perform quick surgeries on insects...

...but he did one on the fly.

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What do you call it when an insect has a hardware fetish?

A butterfly nut.

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect?

They're the brightest one.

Explaining Words



Poli.....Latin for "many"

Tics....blood sucking insects



Politics

I was a party. My friend said, "You see that girl over there? She's hardcore. She gets high by snorting insects."

I made a beeline for her.

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an insect?

Dead ant.

Dead ant.

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaaant!

(OC) What kind of insect always flies back to you?

A frisbee.

Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

What do you call an insect on your family tree?

An ANT-cestor.

Me and my friend were out camping in a thick tropical forest.

As we set camp for the night, we were being swarmed by huge mosquitoes. My friend, being a person who was brought up in a posh neighborhood, had never seen such an insect and was terrified. After having a hard time spraying mosquito repellent inside the camp and our sleeping bags, we slid into our s...

What type of insects frequent Muslim places of worship?

Mosque-itos!

I went for lunch with my accountant and he ordered a bowl of insects...

Then he started picking out just the really juicy looking ants and popping them in his mouth like m&ms.

I said "What the hell are you doing?"

"I only handle finance." he said.

Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.

They're the account ants

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Giant Insect!

Young Mathilda is out driving with her mom as suddenly a giant dildo slams the front window.

They were both shocked and Mathilda asks her mom what it was.

A little flustered her mom innocently told her that it was just an insect.

Mathilda then said "Wow that insect had a giant c...

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

TIL Asians regularly eat insects

I heard they love lice

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What's the last thing that goes through an insects mind when it hits the windscreen?

The ass.

What do you call a group of 10 insects that live in a housing complex?

Tenants

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