UPJOKE
termitearthropodbeetlelarvapestexoskeletonlouseinvertebratewaspbeeantwormspidermosquitospecies

What does the hero of Asgard have in common with most insects?

A Thor axe.

When I get bitten by insects, one part of my brain is like “be smart, leave it alone”. The other part is like…

“Scratch that”

What do you call it when two insect siblings that get together?

An insectuous relationship

Why did the Ex-Amish guy not clean all the dead insects off his new car?

He was used to his transport being a little buggy.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

What European city has the most insects?

Antwerp!

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What's the difference between a jungle cat who wrote his PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that includes butterflies and moths?

One's a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other's a lepidopteral taxonomy

So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it is B.P.

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.

All I’m hearing is crickets!

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

I used to kill humans for a living. Now, I kill insects;

You could say that I like being an... EX-terminator.

I told my friends I was a blood sucking insect from the moon

they said I was a luna tick.

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

Who keeps the picnic insects in good working order?

The maintain-ants department.

What do alcoholic insects drink?

Molt liquor

I met a guy who cross-bred insects...

...he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.

Don't get involved in organized insect crimes.

The mothia is ruthless.

I love insect jokes

I can make them on the fly

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

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Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

What do you call an insect with a high fat diet?

A mosKeto!

Why do poor people eat insects?

Because they're locust!

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Insects are apparently the superfood of the future. I tried eating caterpillars but it made me too nervous.

Gave me butterflies in my stomach.

Why did the Insect MMA manager get nervous?

His fly was down.

The Life of a Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. *"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."*

The farmer was dubious. *"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you...

What do you call a mad insect on the moon?

A Lunatic

What’s a cats favorite insect to chase?

Waspspspspsps

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A man walks into an insect shop...

and asks for several bags of cockroaches.

"What are you using all the cockroaches for?" the cashier asks.

"Well..." the man said, "the landlord asked I leave his property the same way I found it."

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck…

when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry. That was an insect.” To which one of the boys replies,

“I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”

What is the holiest insect?

A praying mantis

I hate insect puns.

They bug me.

What do you call an insect that hates changes?

A const-ant.

I walked into the biology lab and saw my lab partner dissecting an insect.

I told him, "I think your fly is open."

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me"

"Don't worry it's just a bug that going around"

What do you call an insect that is into electronic music?

A house fly.

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

I know a guy who has a fetish for insect repellents.

He likes to get OFF.

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

When I showed my friend an insect exhibit, he pointed to the most popular arthropod and asked what kind of bug it was. I had to correct him:

"It's not a bug, it's a feature!"

Not your dairy insect

An ant was walking around when it found a 5inch ant of his very same species:

- Why are youso big, it asked
- I drink a lot of milk

"Lactose in taller ant"

Today, while googling something about insects...

i found out that the only continent lacking indigenous ants is ANTARCTICA.

Makes no sense at all :-)

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

What's the best smelling insect?

A deoder-ANT

What do you say to an annoying insect?

'Stop bugging me!'

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.

There’s no files on me.

A new flour made from ground-up insects could keep millions around the world from going hungry!

It's simply the bee's knees!

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded,

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for o...

Our school for dyslexia took a trip to an insect museum.

It wasn't quite what we expected, but our tour guide from Alabama treated us like family.

What do you call an insect playing the piano?

BEEthoven

Which insect is always the first to leave?

The flea

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

What's the world's deadliest insect?

The hepatitis bee.

What would you call an insect version of a furry?

Creepy

What do you get if you crossbreed a rabbit with an insect?

Bugs Bunny

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

How do you make an insect feel sad?

With depressant!

What do you call an anti vax insect?

A Rolio Polio

What do you call a flying insect that's hard to get to know and spies for Russia?

Cagey bee

What do you call a Buddhist that got reincarnated as an insect?

A Budapest

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The naming of a new species of insect...

Scientist 1: Let's name it Dick-bug. Scientist 2: No we're not naming it Dick-bug. Scientist 1: Penis-insect. Scientist 2: Goddammit Richard no! Scientist 1: Cock-roach. Scientist 2: You know what! Fine, we'll name it cock-roach!

What type of drink do insects avoid?

Fly's water.

*(fly-swatter)*



It's bad, but I just thought of it while reaching for my fly-swatter...

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, It was at Walmart."

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

Known as the "one-day insect" the Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of all organisms...

But it still lives longer than my headphones.

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

What do you call an insect's fetish?

Bee DSM

What do you call a small insect that likes to download things illegally off the internet?

A Tor-ant

What insect is the Wood Ant related to?

The Should Ant and the Could Ant.

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What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?

Buoyant!

Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects

for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.

"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"

So now, every time Mr Snail driv...

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Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact ...

Where do insects listen to music?

Spotifly

Saw a group of magical insects escape a flood in a tiny ship of their own creation.

Could this be the fabled Ark of the Coven-Ants?

I did pretty well in my insect catching exam...

I got a bee.

What contains a small dog and an insect?

Repugnant.

Did you know that fireflies are the smartest insect?

They're the brightest one.

Jello has created a product that deters insects.

It's very effective, but the flavor is OFF-pudding.

Why did Professor X take on an insect as a student when it couldn't talk?

Because it was a mute ant.

A scientist is doing experiments on an ant

He puts the ant on the table and says:
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks to the other side of the table
The man writes in his notepad:
"The ant with 6 legs walks"

He then, proceeds to take one leg off the insect, and repeats the same process
- Walk, ant, walk!
The ant walks...

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I just ate all the insects in our nature reserve, and my boss is about to find out...

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.

A fruit, an insect, and a Chinese surname walk into a bar.

Well, a pear, ant, lee.

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

wasp spray

A guy walks into his local pub and finds the bartender out cleaning off the dining area on the patio and spraying for bugs. "Flying insect spray, huh?" the guy asks as he picks up the can and examines the label. "Is this stuff good for wasps?" "No," the bartender replies. "It kills them."

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

What's the difference between a bug and an insect?

Judging by Table 5's reactions, not a lot.

What do you call an insect on your family tree?

An ANT-cestor.

Why do decommissioned terminators kill insects?

Because they are exterminators.

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What do you call it when an insect has a hardware fetish?

A butterfly nut.

What do you call a black and yellow insect that isn't overly confident in itself?

A humblebee.

Which insect has great hair?

An ear-wig!

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an insect?

Dead ant.

Dead ant.

Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaaant!

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The science teacher was discussing insects in her biology class.

She said, "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anybody tell me why?"
The quick witted retort came flying back "Well miss have you seen the size of moth balls?"

Did you hear about the insect transport plane that crashed into the Duct factory?

Don't worry, it's all caught on tape

(OC) What kind of insect always flies back to you?

A frisbee.

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I got caught smuggling insects

I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.

They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"

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