Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl.

Friend: Who?

Me: [narrows eyes]

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What's the difference between an untrained sniper and a constipated owl?

One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.

Knock, knock!

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Who.

Who, who?

You sound like an owl.

Why did the owl go to the gym?

Because he’s the stare master.

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Me: I’m terrified of owls

Therapist: Who?

Me: *Screams*

Why do owls get invited to parties?

Because they’re a HOOT!

What do you call a band of owls?

The Hoo

What do you call an owl magician?

A whooodini

Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

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What do you call owl poop?

Owly shit

Why do night owls enjoy breakups?

There ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?

It was a superb_owl.

I found a babysitter who works in an owl costume

She's a hootin'-nanny

What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl?

A who man.

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What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but can't hit. The other can hoot but can't shit.

Who do you buy an owl toilet seat for?

A wise ass

What is the average lifespan of a snowy owl?

6 books

What do you get when cross an owl with an elephant?

A dead owl with a six inch wide hole in it.

What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlet

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

What do you call an owl that can travel through time?

Doctor Hoo

Americans always get sports wrong.

Why would the Super Bowl have no bowling?

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

If you were an owl how often would you check your back?

Owl the time

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

What does a narcissistic owl say?

A: Me. Me. Me.

My friends think my pet owl is boring.

I think he’s a hoot!

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

What animal gets hurt all the time?

An owl

Why did the Aztec owl not know what the other two owls were saying to each other?

They were Inca hoots

What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk?

A bird that smells, but doesn't give a hoot!

If you ever see an baby owl in a toilet don't flush...

Because you aren't supposed to flush moist owelettes.

What's an owl's favourite drink?

Hoot beer!

Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P

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What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night

What's the most common type of owl in Great Britain?

Teatowel.


Sorry if you've heard or seen this before on here; I've not and I'm unable to search because I'm using the mobile sitem

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A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking with his friends at a bar

A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking at a bar with Hirohito, Mussolini, and Fransisco Franco.

The man hears Hitler brag about killing millions of Jews and sixteen spotted owls.

The man goes up to the table and asks, "Why in the hell would you kill sixteen spotted owls?"
...

I was just washing up in the kitchen with the back door open, when an owl suddenly flew in, dried all the pots, put them away and flew off.

it was a Teat Owl

So I told my girlfriend someone's out there making owl noises

and she's like "who"

Why didn't the night owl go to the funeral?

He wasn't a mourning person

Why shouldn't you trust fake owls?

Because they tell you false-hoots

What is the owl's favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

Ever wonder why Dallas Cowboy fans are so rich?

Because they never have to pay for super bowl tickets!

An avid bird watcher heard an owl hoot

So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a ...

I don't care how great owls are

I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl.

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Who's up for an owl joke?

So a man is sitting on a bench in the middle of the night making waterfalls with his eyes. A girl he'd been in love with had just broken up with him, claiming she'd found her true love in bird watching. He cried out her name in anguish into the nightsky.


"Who?" An owl. How cruel fate wa...

Me: I know a person that thinks they're an owl.

Them: Who?

Me: Now I know two people[.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6um75p/comment/dltqceq?st=J6ISAUQ2&sh=e167edb3)

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I can't stop shitting out feathers.

I think I've got Irritable owl syndrome.

"Why did you name your owl Fred?"

"Because I'm Batman."

Two owls sat on a branch

One said to the other "i got married the other day" to which the second replies, "You twit, to who?"

Why don't owls go on dates in the rain?

Because it's too wet to woo.

Have you heard thee one about the owl?

It was a hoot

Did you hear about the crows and the owls?

They're in caw-hoots.

An owl and a squirrel are in a tree watching a farmer go by

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

"Hey, I heard somebody called you an owl today."

Who?

Has anyone ever adopted an owl?

And if so, hoo?

An owl was investigated as a suspect in the serial murders of eight random individuals in under a year

But the case went cold after repeatedly insisting it didn't know the victims' names.

What's an owl's favorite song?

The Who's Who are you? Hoot hoot. Hoot hoot.

What's an owl's favorite rock band?

Owls personally prefer the track list of Rock Band 2. Just a solid game.

A man and his pet owl go to the bar together

They had a hoot.

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