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Owl Jokes

How long does a owl live

Six and a half books

What’s the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn’t hit, the other hoots but doesn’t s**t

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What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee chord?

My Ass MRAHH

An owl gets thirsty

An owl gets thirsty during his evening flight. He spots a group of 13 male owls hanging out in a tree and approaches them.

"Hey, I'm thirsty", he hoots, "Know any good bars around here to get a drink?"

"No", they hoot back, "But we're thirsty too. We'll go searching for a place to drin...

Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl.

Friend: Who?

Me: [narrows eyes]

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what do you get if you cross an owl with a rooster

A cock that stays up all night

Why did Kim Jong Un kill all the owls in North Korea?

Because they all kept repeating "Coup, Coup."

Why did the owl struggle to mate when it’s raining?

Because it’s too-wet-to-woo

Say it out loud

Where did the drunk owl end up?

Owlcoholics Hoooononymous.

Ironically my ex-wife ended up in rehab for alcohol abuse less than a month after coming up with and telling her this joke.

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A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession

“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”...

What do you get when you cross an early bird and a night owl?

Shut the f up, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night!

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What's the difference between a cross-eyed cowboy and a constipated owl?

One can shoot, but can't hit


The other can hoot, but can't shit!

Knock, knock.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Owl.
Owl who?
Who!

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

What do you call sending an owl to Harry Potter's godfather?

Blackmail

What kind of owl can you find by the shower?

A towel

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Man vs Owl

A man was invited to his best friend’s Bachelor party and told his wife he would be back by midnight at the latest. The wife, who didn’t like him going out by himself with his buddies for a night of fun told him “midnight, not a second later or there will be hell to pay”

But of course there w...

Why don't owls mate during storms?

Because it's too wet to woo

There is an owl among us..

Friend: Who?

Me: Exactly, we have to be careful.. wait a second

I think one of us here might be an owl

What

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

What’s the most common type of owl?

The teat…

My neigbours kid just said this after finding an owl decoration

What do you call a owl that is good at science,

Owlbert Einstein.

Last night I dreamt I was an owl.

It was a hoot.

A guy walks into a bar

"Haven't seen you in a while. Did you have a good Halloween?" the bartender asks. "Sure did. My wife and I dressed up as Peruvian Owls," the guy tells the bartender. "We were Inca hoots."

Person 1: Someone said you look like an owl

Person 2: Who?

The owl and the squirrel

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree watching a farmer go by.

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk.

The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

I saw a baby owl caught in the rain.

It was a moist owlet.

A bird bit me.

Owl.

I got a pet owl named Robin.

Robin Hoo-d.

Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees

before it comes off in your hand.

Superbowl party!? Or superb Owl party?!

As a fun intellectual alternative to the sports balls.

Owls: I do not know What, Where, When, or Why

I only know who

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Its 1848 and two hunters from Boston are on a buffalo hunting expedition. They've hired the famous Blackfoot tracker, Grey Owl to track and locate buffalo for them.

As they follow Grey Owl's trail, they catch sight of him just ahead.

Grey Owl has his ear to the ground, and as the two hunters get close he says, "Three wagons, each pulled by four oxen pass this spot 20 minutes ago!"

The hunters are blown away! This is amazing! One of them asks, "Can...

What is an owl’s favorite board game?

Guess Who?

what did the owl thats a detective say?

hoo did it?

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What do you call people who observe owls reproducing?

A hornithologist.

Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network?

They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl.

All I remember is the punchline was a hoot.

I went out with a girl once called 'Owl'

Seriously, that was her name, Owl.

She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.

She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.

She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl.

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

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So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test?

With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole,

But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.

Why did the priest buy an owl for his church?

Because it's a bird of prey

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up and asks “tell me, Watson, what do you observe?”

Watson replies “it is a clear, cloudless sky. To the east I see the constellation of Orion whereby I can trail the handle of the plough pointing to Polaris, the North Star. As my eyes adjust to ...

I got a new job at the owl sanctuary..

It’s night shifts but i hear it’s a real hoot

A man walks into a tree and says he's looking for an owl...

Something from the tree replies back, "hoo?"

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

A friend of mine has nocturnal birds of prey nesting in his barn.

I'm getting owl-ly updates.

What does an owl call it’s beak?

Hoo nose.

What's an owl's favourite drink?

Hoot beer!

Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P

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Me: I’m terrified of owls

Therapist: Who?

Me: *Screams*

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

I keep on telling my friends that I think one of them might secretly be an owl

But all they respond with is “Who?”

Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl.

Person 2: Who?

Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...

(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)

Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls…

I think they're Inca hoots…

What do call a magic owl

Hoodini


















Sorry if somebody made this joke already

Why did the owl go to the gym?

Because he’s the stare master.

What kind of bird becomes fluffy and absorbent if you put tea in front of it?

An owl.

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What do you call owl poop?

Owly shit

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A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

What is the owl's favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

You may know that baby owls are called "owlets", but did you know where they come from?

The owlet mall.

It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees...

"I'm scared" said the little girl.

"You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"

What’s an owl’s favorite movie?

Owlice in Wonderland.

Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

The owl asked the most introspect question ever.

Who are you???

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

Why are owls my favorite animal?

Because they’re hooters!

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

I met a girl who used to take care of owls for rich people who had them as pets.

I asked her if she was an ornithologist. She was not. I said, "So you're just like a bird baby sitter?" "Of course not"., she replied.

"I'm a Hootenanny."

Why did the Aztec owl not know what the other two owls were saying to each other?

They were Inca hoots

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