UPJOKE
birdbirds of preyheronhawkraptorfamilyparrotbeaksparrowbarn owlfossilfalconorderspeciesmammal

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What's the difference between a cross-eyed cowboy and a constipated owl?

One can shoot, but can't hit


The other can hoot, but can't shit!

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What do you get when you cross a owl with a rooster?

A cock that stays up all night!

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

What do you call sending an owl to Harry Potter's godfather?

Blackmail

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Man vs Owl

A man was invited to his best friend’s Bachelor party and told his wife he would be back by midnight at the latest. The wife, who didn’t like him going out by himself with his buddies for a night of fun told him “midnight, not a second later or there will be hell to pay”

But of course there w...

What kind of owl can you find by the shower?

A towel

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

How long does an owl live?

Six and a half books

What’s the most common type of owl?

The teat…

Why don't owls mate during storms?

Because it's too wet to woo

An owl walks into a bar, and hops up on a stool. “Pull me a Guiness,” he says.

The bartender is a bit confused because he never had a talking animal in his bar before, but the owl has a little drawstring purse around his neck and puts the money down on the bar. So the bartender pulls him his Guiness, and as he’s handing it to the fellow, he notices that the owl has one wing in...

Person 1: Someone said you look like an owl

Person 2: Who?

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl.

Friend: Who?

Me: [narrows eyes]

The owl and the squirrel

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree watching a farmer go by.

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk.

The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

My neigbours kid just said this after finding an owl decoration

What do you call a owl that is good at science,

Owlbert Einstein.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending ra...

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So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

What does a British owl say?

Whooom. Whooom. Whooom

Last night I dreamt I was an owl.

It was a hoot.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

There is an owl among us..

Friend: Who?

Me: Exactly, we have to be careful.. wait a second

I saw a baby owl caught in the rain.

It was a moist owlet.

I got a pet owl named Robin.

Robin Hoo-d.

Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees

before it comes off in your hand.

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What do you call people who observe owls reproducing?

A hornithologist.

Owls: I do not know What, Where, When, or Why

I only know who

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Its 1848 and two hunters from Boston are on a buffalo hunting expedition. They've hired the famous Blackfoot tracker, Grey Owl to track and locate buffalo for them.

As they follow Grey Owl's trail, they catch sight of him just ahead.

Grey Owl has his ear to the ground, and as the two hunters get close he says, "Three wagons, each pulled by four oxen pass this spot 20 minutes ago!"

The hunters are blown away! This is amazing! One of them asks, "Can...

What is an owl’s favorite board game?

Guess Who?

I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl.

All I remember is the punchline was a hoot.

Superbowl party!? Or superb Owl party?!

As a fun intellectual alternative to the sports balls.

what did the owl thats a detective say?

hoo did it?

Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network?

They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".

There’s an owl outside and we’ve been talking for around 20 minutes.

Mostly about who’s who.

A man walks into a tree and says he's looking for an owl...

Something from the tree replies back, "hoo?"

I went out with a girl once called 'Owl'

Seriously, that was her name, Owl.

She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.

She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.

She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl.

What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test?

With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole,

But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.

Why did the priest buy an owl for his church?

Because it's a bird of prey

And then there was the male spotted owl who told his wife, "What do you mean you have a headache?

We're an endangered species!"

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Two owls siting on a tree branch during a quiet night.

One if them suddenly says: "hoooo hoooooooo"

The other one turns and replies: "Fuck you Garry, you scared the shit out of me. "

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

I keep on telling my friends that I think one of them might secretly be an owl

But all they respond with is “Who?”

I got a new job at the owl sanctuary..

It’s night shifts but i hear it’s a real hoot

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Timber Land

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her....

Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl.

Person 2: Who?

Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...

(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)

What does an owl call it’s beak?

Hoo nose.

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

What kind of bird becomes fluffy and absorbent if you put tea in front of it?

An owl.

Why do owls get invited to parties?

Because they’re a HOOT!

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A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

Why are owls my favorite animal?

Because they’re hooters!

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Me: I’m terrified of owls

Therapist: Who?

Me: *Screams*

What's an owl's favourite drink?

Hoot beer!

Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P

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What do you call owl poop?

Owly shit

Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls…

I think they're Inca hoots…

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees...

"I'm scared" said the little girl.

"You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"

Why did the owl go to the gym?

Because he’s the stare master.

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

The owl asked the most introspect question ever.

Who are you???

I met a girl who used to take care of owls for rich people who had them as pets.

I asked her if she was an ornithologist. She was not. I said, "So you're just like a bird baby sitter?" "Of course not"., she replied.

"I'm a Hootenanny."

If you were an owl how often would you check your back?

Owl the time

You may know that baby owls are called "owlets", but did you know where they come from?

The owlet mall.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

Did you hear the joke between the woodpecker and the owl?

*knock knock* Hoo’s there?

Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?

It was a superb_owl.

The prisoners escaped from jail at night

They hear police sirens and see three trees nearby so each prisoner climbs one of the trees to hide.

The police walk over to the first tree. The prisoner thinks quickly and says
“HOOT HOOT”

“Oh it’s just an owl” one policeman says. “Let’s keep moving.”

The police come to th...

Why did the Aztec owl not know what the other two owls were saying to each other?

They were Inca hoots

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

What do you get when cross an owl with an elephant?

A dead owl with a six inch wide hole in it.

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