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What do you get when you mix a chicken and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night

An owl walks into a bar, and hops up on a stool. “Pull me a Guiness,” he says.

The bartender is a bit confused because he never had a talking animal in his bar before, but the owl has a little drawstring purse around his neck and puts the money down on the bar. So the bartender pulls him his Guiness, and as he’s handing it to the fellow, he notices that the owl has one wing in...

A wolf is what kind of owl?

H-owl

What does a British owl say?

Whooom. Whooom. Whooom

Person 1: Someone said you look like an owl

Person 2: Who?

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

How long does an owl live?

About 6 1/2 books

I got a pet owl named Robin.

Robin Hoo-d.

I saw a baby owl caught in the rain.

It was a moist owlet.

Last night I dreamt I was an owl.

It was a hoot.

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Timber Land

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her....

There is an owl among us..

Friend: Who?

Me: Exactly, we have to be careful.. wait a second

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl.

Friend: Who?

Me: [narrows eyes]

Why don’t night owls ever cry at funerals?

They just aren’t mourning people

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What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.

An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently

I guess that’s the power of a tawny

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What do you call people who observe owls reproducing?

A hornithologist.

Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees

before it comes off in your hand.

Owls: I do not know What, Where, When, or Why

I only know who

what did the owl thats a detective say?

hoo did it?

The prisoners escaped from jail at night

They hear police sirens and see three trees nearby so each prisoner climbs one of the trees to hide.

The police walk over to the first tree. The prisoner thinks quickly and says
“HOOT HOOT”

“Oh it’s just an owl” one policeman says. “Let’s keep moving.”

The police come to th...

Superbowl party!? Or superb Owl party?!

As a fun intellectual alternative to the sports balls.

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What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit.

A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.

What kind of bird becomes fluffy and absorbent if you put tea in front of it?

An owl.

Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network?

They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".

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Its 1848 and two hunters from Boston are on a buffalo hunting expedition. They've hired the famous Blackfoot tracker, Grey Owl to track and locate buffalo for them.

As they follow Grey Owl's trail, they catch sight of him just ahead.

Grey Owl has his ear to the ground, and as the two hunters get close he says, "Three wagons, each pulled by four oxen pass this spot 20 minutes ago!"

The hunters are blown away! This is amazing! One of them asks, "Can...

There’s an owl outside and we’ve been talking for around 20 minutes.

Mostly about who’s who.

What is an owl’s favorite board game?

Guess Who?

I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl.

All I remember is the punchline was a hoot.

What do you call a Mexican Owl?

Hoolio

What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test?

With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole,

But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.

What kind of math does an Owl like to solve?

Owl-gebra.

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, an eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

Why did the priest buy an owl for his church?

Because it's a bird of prey

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Two owls siting on a tree branch during a quiet night.

One if them suddenly says: "hoooo hoooooooo"

The other one turns and replies: "Fuck you Garry, you scared the shit out of me. "

A man walks into a tree and says he's looking for an owl...

Something from the tree replies back, "hoo?"

And then there was the male spotted owl who told his wife, "What do you mean you have a headache?

We're an endangered species!"

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

I went out with a girl once called 'Owl'

Seriously, that was her name, Owl.

She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.

She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.

She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl.

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

I keep on telling my friends that I think one of them might secretly be an owl

But all they respond with is “Who?”

I got a new job at the owl sanctuary..

It’s night shifts but i hear it’s a real hoot

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A m‌‌other w‌‌as w‌‌alking d‌‌own t‌‌he h‌‌all w‌‌hen s‌‌he h‌‌eard a‌‌ h‌‌umming s‌‌ound c‌‌oming f‌‌rom h‌‌er d‌‌aughter's b‌‌edroom. W‌‌hen s‌‌he o‌‌pened t‌‌he d‌‌oor s‌‌he f‌‌ound h‌‌er d‌‌aughter n‌‌aked o‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌ed w‌‌ith a‌‌ v‌‌ibrator.

What a‌‌re y‌‌ou d‌‌oing?", s‌‌he e‌‌xclaimed.

The d‌‌aughter r‌‌eplied, "‌‌I'm 3‌‌5 a‌‌nd s‌‌till l‌‌iving a‌‌t h‌‌ome w‌‌ith m‌‌y p‌‌arents a‌‌nd t‌‌his i‌‌s t‌‌he c‌‌losest I‌‌'ll e‌‌ver g‌‌et t‌‌o a‌‌ h‌‌usband."

Later t‌‌hat w‌‌eek t‌‌he f‌‌ather w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he k‌‌itchen a‌‌nd h...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl.

Person 2: Who?

Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...

(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)

What do call a magic owl

Hoodini


















Sorry if somebody made this joke already

Why are owls my favorite animal?

Because they’re hooters!

You may know that baby owls are called "owlets", but did you know where they come from?

The owlet mall.

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Me: I’m terrified of owls

Therapist: Who?

Me: *Screams*

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What do you call owl poop?

Owly shit

It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees...

"I'm scared" said the little girl.

"You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"

Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls…

I think they're Inca hoots…

What's an owl that does magic called?

Whoudini

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

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A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband


The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

Why do owls get invited to parties?

Because they’re a HOOT!

Did you hear about those two owls who robbed two separate banks?

They were in cahoots.

I met a girl who used to take care of owls for rich people who had them as pets.

I asked her if she was an ornithologist. She was not. I said, "So you're just like a bird baby sitter?" "Of course not"., she replied.

"I'm a Hootenanny."

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

The owl asked the most introspect question ever.

Who are you???

What's an owl's favourite drink?

Hoot beer!

Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

Why did the owl go to the gym?

Because he’s the stare master.

Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

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Things that have hair.

A teacher asks the kids at class:

"I want you to name things that have hair on it"

"A cat!", the first kid says.

"That's correct", teacher replies. "A cat has hair on it. Can anyone tell something else that has hair?"

"An owl!", says another kid.

The teacher said:...

So I told my girlfriend someone's out there making owl noises

and she's like "who"

Did you hear the joke between the woodpecker and the owl?

*knock knock* Hoo’s there?

Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?

It was a superb_owl.

What’s an owl’s favorite movie?

Owlice in Wonderland.

Why do night owls enjoy breakups?

There ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

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An owl flew into a Kebab place and started dancing.

The customers were amazed and started taking videos.

Every day, it returned, and soon the owl became a tourist attraction.

Visitors from different continents came to see the owl, while the Kebab place prospered.

One day, the owner, a man named John Spon, decided to lock up the o...

Why did the Aztec owl not know what the other two owls were saying to each other?

They were Inca hoots

What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl?

A who man.

What is the owl's favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

I don't care how great owls are

I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl.

What do you get when cross an owl with an elephant?

A dead owl with a six inch wide hole in it.

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

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