UPJOKE
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A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

What is an owl’s favorite board game?

Guess Who?

Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl.

Friend: Who?

Me: [narrows eyes]

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What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?

A cock that stays up all night

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What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit while the other hoots but can't shit

I just learned that Peruvian Owls always hunt in pairs..

It's because they are Inca hoots.

Last night I dreamt I was an owl.

It was a hoot.

What’s the most common type of owl?

The teat…

Where do owls stay on their vacations?

in a hootel

An owl gets thirsty

An owl gets thirsty during his evening flight. He spots a group of 13 male owls hanging out in a tree and approaches them.

"Hey, I'm thirsty", he hoots, "Know any good bars around here to get a drink?"

"No", they hoot back, "But we're thirsty too. We'll go searching for a place to drin...

How long does a owl live

Six and a half books

What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlette.

Apparently a Redditor was possessed by an owl.

Who?

What's the scientific term for an owl's beak?

Hoo nose

Did you know: an owl’s head can rotate 720 degrees

before it comes off in your hand.

The owl asked the most introspect question ever.

Who are you???

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Scientists have reached the conclusion that the owl has the most acute sense of hearing

They clearly haven't experimented on men browsing porn while their wives are asleep.

I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”

My son: Who?

Me: Exactly.

Why do owls make the most fun babysitters?

They're a hootin' nanny.

The owl and the squirrel

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree watching a farmer go by.

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk.

The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl.

All I remember is the punchline was a hoot.

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Man vs Owl

A man was invited to his best friend’s Bachelor party and told his wife he would be back by midnight at the latest. The wife, who didn’t like him going out by himself with his buddies for a night of fun told him “midnight, not a second later or there will be hell to pay”

But of course there w...

Where did the drunk owl end up?

Owlcoholics Hoooononymous.

Ironically my ex-wife ended up in rehab for alcohol abuse less than a month after coming up with and telling her this joke.

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What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee chord?

My Ass MRAHH

My pastor announced that someone in our congregation is possessed by an owl.

All I can think is: “Who? Who?!”

Why don't owls mate during storms?

Because it's too wet to woo

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

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A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession

“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”...

What did the owl professor say to the other owl?

To **whom**. To **whom**.

Why did Kim Jong Un kill all the owls in North Korea?

Because they all kept repeating "Coup, Coup."

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So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

What do you call sending an owl to Harry Potter's godfather?

Blackmail

I got a pet owl named Robin.

Robin Hoo-d.

There is an owl among us..

Friend: Who?

Me: Exactly, we have to be careful.. wait a second

I think one of us here might be an owl

What

What kind of owl can you find by the shower?

A towel

What do you get when you cross an early bird and a night owl?

Shut the f up, I only got 2 hours of sleep last night!

Superbowl party!? Or superb Owl party?!

As a fun intellectual alternative to the sports balls.

I saw a baby owl caught in the rain.

It was a moist owlet.

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

My neigbours kid just said this after finding an owl decoration

What do you call a owl that is good at science,

Owlbert Einstein.

what did the owl thats a detective say?

hoo did it?

Why did the Aztec owl not know what the other two owls were saying to each other?

They were Inca hoots

What's an owl's favourite drink?

Hoot beer!

Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P

I got a new job at the owl sanctuary..

It’s night shifts but i hear it’s a real hoot

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

I went out with a girl once called 'Owl'

Seriously, that was her name, Owl.

She could rotate her head almost completely behind her.

She only did it once though, when a burglar came into her house and twisted her neck.

She's dead now but that's why we call her Owl.

Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network?

They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".

A surprisingly good/funny knock knock joke I wrote yesterday.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Beware, the owl people are infiltrating our town!

Beware, the owl people are infiltrating our town, Whooo

Oh no im too late!

What do call a magic owl

Hoodini


















Sorry if somebody made this joke already

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

Why are owls my favorite animal?

Because they’re hooters!

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What do you call owl poop?

Owly shit

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Me: I’m terrified of owls

Therapist: Who?

Me: *Screams*

What is the owl's favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

In the spirit of Superb Owl, I am opening a strip club inspired by recent events

called Oscar’s Lap

Why did the priest buy an owl for his church?

Because it's a bird of prey

What's the difference between an owl and a rectal drug test?

With one, you can see their eye through their ear hole,

But with the other, you can see if they're high through their rear hole.

Whats the difference between a white owl and black owl?

A white owl goes : Who? Who?
A black owl goes : Who dat? who dat?

Why did the owl go to the gym?

Because he’s the stare master.

I don't care how great owls are

I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl.

A man walks into a tree and says he's looking for an owl...

Something from the tree replies back, "hoo?"

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

Why do night owls enjoy breakups?

There ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

I always found Owls to be interesting

But I still can't figure out why the whole country is excited about this Superb Owl.

An avid bird watcher heard an owl hoot

So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a ...

My friends think my pet owl is boring.

I think he’s a hoot!

Why shouldn't you trust fake owls?

Because they tell you false-hoots

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