What do you call a magic owl?

HOO-dini

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl.

Boy: Who?

What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlet

How long does an owl live?

About 6 and a half books.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a sniper with bad vision and a constipated owl?

One can shoot but can't hit. The other can hoot but can't shit.

Who do you buy an owl toilet seat for?

A wise ass

Americans always get sports wrong.

Why would the Super Bowl have no bowling?

What do you call an owl that can travel through time?

Doctor Hoo

I always found Owls to be interesting

But I still can't figure out why the whole country is excited about this Superb Owl.

When does an Owl go "mooooo"?

When it is learning a new language!

What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?

A hootenanny.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

If you were an owl how often would you check your back?

Owl the time

My friends think my pet owl is boring.

I think he’s a hoot!

What’s an owl’s favorite movie?

Owlice in Wonderland.

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

What does a narcissistic owl say?

A: Me. Me. Me.

Why did the Aztec owl not know what the other two owls were saying to each other?

They were Inca hoots

What animal gets hurt all the time?

An owl

I was just washing up in the kitchen with the back door open, when an owl suddenly flew in, dried all the pots, put them away and flew off.

it was a Teat Owl

Who let the owls out?

Who Who Who Who?

If you ever see an baby owl in a toilet don't flush...

Because you aren't supposed to flush moist owelettes.

What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk?

A bird that smells, but doesn't give a hoot!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...

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EDIT: A collection of other [spoonerisms](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoonerism) for your reading pleasure. And stop giving me sh... about not fu... cussing...

So I told my girlfriend someone's out there making owl noises

and she's like "who"

What's an owl's favourite drink?

Hoot beer!

Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night

My wife asked me ‘What’s Harry Potter’s owl called’?

I paused and said OWL-BERT

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who's up for an owl joke?

So a man is sitting on a bench in the middle of the night making waterfalls with his eyes. A girl he'd been in love with had just broken up with him, claiming she'd found her true love in bird watching. He cried out her name in anguish into the nightsky.


"Who?" An owl. How cruel fate wa...

I don't care how great owls are

I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl.

What is the owl's favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

An avid bird watcher heard an owl hoot

So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a ...

Did you hear about the two owls who agreed to rob a bank together?

They were in co-hoots.

Why shouldn't you trust fake owls?

Because they tell you false-hoots

Me: I know a person that thinks they're an owl.

Them: Who?

Me: Now I know two people[.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6um75p/comment/dltqceq?st=J6ISAUQ2&sh=e167edb3)

"Why did you name your owl Fred?"

"Because I'm Batman."

Two owls sat on a branch

One said to the other "i got married the other day" to which the second replies, "You twit, to who?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't stop shitting out feathers.

I think I've got Irritable owl syndrome.

Have you heard thee one about the owl?

It was a hoot

Ever wonder why Dallas Cowboy fans are so rich?

Because they never have to pay for super bowl tickets!

Why didn't the night owl go to the funeral?

He wasn't a mourning person

Knock knock

Who's there?
Owls. Owls who?
They certainly do

Did you hear about the crows and the owls?

They're in caw-hoots.

An owl and a squirrel are in a tree watching a farmer go by

The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

"Hey, I heard somebody called you an owl today."

Who?

An owl was investigated as a suspect in the serial murders of eight random individuals in under a year

But the case went cold after repeatedly insisting it didn't know the victims' names.

What's an owl's favorite song?

The Who's Who are you? Hoot hoot. Hoot hoot.

What do deaf owls say?

"What?"

What's an owl's favorite rock band?

Owls personally prefer the track list of Rock Band 2. Just a solid game.

A man and his pet owl go to the bar together

They had a hoot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So the Judge says "OK, I see that circumstance and duress made you eat the endangered spotted owl. NOT guilty." Then he leans over and whispers "Between you and me, what does a spotted owl actually taste like?"

The accused says "A cross between a bald eagle and an Amazon Imperial Parrot."

What do you call a segway for owls?

A hooverboard

I didn't know owls were religious

Until someone told me they were a bird of pray

The thing about bird jokes are...

sometimes they're hard to swallow.

Owl let myself out.