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A man tells his friend, "I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl."

His friend asks, "Who?"

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What's the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?

A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit.

A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.

Me: Someone we know is possessed by an owl.

Friend: Who?

Me: [narrows eyes]

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

It's dark, gloomy with a slight bit of fog. The little girl grips the man's hand tightly as an owls hoot echoed through the rustling trees...

"I'm scared" said the little girl.

"You're scared?!" Said the man. "At least you don't have to walk back alone!"

What is an owl’s favorite board game?

Guess Who?

What is the lifespan of an Owl ?

About 6.25 books.

What's an owl that does magic called?

Whoudini

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl

Bro: Who?

Me: Exactly

What do you call a magical owl?

Hoodini

Why are owls my favorite animal?

Because they’re hooters!

I got a new job at the owl sanctuary..

It’s night shifts but i hear it’s a real hoot

You may know that baby owls are called "owlets", but did you know where they come from?

The owlet mall.

How long does an owl live?

6 1/2 books.

A man walks into a store

"I'd like to buy an owl."

"We don't sell owls here."

"Someone told me you did."

"Who?"





"I just heard one."

I met a girl who used to take care of owls for rich people who had them as pets.

I asked her if she was an ornithologist. She was not. I said, "So you're just like a bird baby sitter?" "Of course not"., she replied.

"I'm a Hootenanny."

Person 1:Guys we have to be careful, one of us is possessed by a owl.

Person 2: Who?

Person 1: That’s the thing we don’t kn...

(Not my joke so plz don’t hate me i saw this joke a long time ago)

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

What do you call a band of owls?

The Hoo

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Me: I’m terrified of owls

Therapist: Who?

Me: *Screams*

What did the narcissistic owl say?

Me me me

What do you call a nocturnal bird that preys on bulges?

an OwOwl

Little known fact, the mods of /r/Jokes are all actually Peruvian owls…

I think they're Inca hoots…

Did you hear the joke between the woodpecker and the owl?

*knock knock* Hoo’s there?

The owl asked the most introspect question ever.

Who are you???

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What do you call owl poop?

Owly shit

Why do owls get invited to parties?

Because they’re a HOOT!

Why did the owl go to the gym?

Because he’s the stare master.

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I saw a bird of prey having a shit in the woods

It looked at me and told me to fuck off.
I think it had irritable owl syndrome.

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

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It’s said the person you love should complete you. If you’re an introvert, they’re an extrovert. If they’re responsible, you’re carefree. If they’re a night owl, you’re an early bird.

As a dude with no ass I can get down with this.

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

Ultimate Dad Joke

Son: Dad, what noise does an owl make at night?
Dad: Who?

Finally got to pull this one off after 6 years of patiently waiting!!

I found a babysitter who works in an owl costume

She's a hootin'-nanny

Why do night owls enjoy breakups?

There ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

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A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking with his friends at a bar

A man goes to hell and sees Hitler drinking at a bar with Hirohito, Mussolini, and Fransisco Franco.

The man hears Hitler brag about killing millions of Jews and sixteen spotted owls.

The man goes up to the table and asks, "Why in the hell would you kill sixteen spotted owls?"
...

What's an owl's favourite drink?

Hoot beer!

Sorry, I made this joke up when I was 5 and just wanted to share :P

What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl?

A who man.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

What do you get when cross an owl with an elephant?

A dead owl with a six inch wide hole in it.

What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlette.

I always found Owls to be interesting

But I still can't figure out why the whole country is excited about this Superb Owl.

A man and a wizard are having a dispute.

In a fit of rage, the wizard places a curse on the man.

"Now you can only speak using the names of animals!" Shouts the wizard.

The man replies, "Whale, owl bee."

My toddlers Favorite joke:

kid: One of us is secretly an owl!

me: Who?

kid: It’s you!!!

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

I was eating lunch in the park...

...when all of a sudden a crow landed in front of me and promptly keeled over on its side. I set my lunch down and leaned forward to see what the matter was.

In that moment, an owl swooped in, plucked my sandwich off the bench, and carried it up to the treetop above me. Imagine my further sur...

My friends think my pet owl is boring.

I think he’s a hoot!

Why did the Aztec owl not know what the other two owls were saying to each other?

They were Inca hoots

Who do you buy an owl toilet seat for?

A wise ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night

So I told my girlfriend someone's out there making owl noises

and she's like "who"

If you ever see an baby owl in a toilet don't flush...

Because you aren't supposed to flush moist owelettes.

I was just washing up in the kitchen with the back door open, when an owl suddenly flew in, dried all the pots, put them away and flew off.

it was a Teat Owl

What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk?

A bird that smells, but doesn't give a hoot!

A urologist and a ear nose and throat doctor are golfing

When one of them sees an owl asleep in a tree by the ninth hole. The urologist looks over to the ENT doc and says “hey! I bet you 200$ I can give that owl a vasectomy without it waking up!”
The ENT doc says “you’re on!” The urologist goes up to the owl, rubs a special spot on its neck and perfor...

What is the owl's favorite school subject?

Owlgebra

Knock knock I heard from my little sister

Who's there

Owls

Owls who?

Yes... Yes they do

What's the most common type of owl in Great Britain?

Teatowel.


Sorry if you've heard or seen this before on here; I've not and I'm unable to search because I'm using the mobile sitem

Recently, a race of bird people and a society of necromancers has gone to war.

It's the Knight owls Vs the Mourning people

I don't care how great owls are

I'm not throwing some stupid party over a superb owl.

Why shouldn't you trust fake owls?

Because they tell you false-hoots

WHY DONT OWLS GO TO VEGAN RESTAURANTS?

BECAUSE THEY'RE GLHOOTEN-FREE!

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A hiker gets lost in the woods...

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court...

An avid bird watcher heard an owl hoot

So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a ...

Me: I know a person that thinks they're an owl.

Them: Who?

Me: Now I know two people[.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6um75p/comment/dltqceq?st=J6ISAUQ2&sh=e167edb3)

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