What's the coldest type of reptile?

A blizzard.

What do you call a reptile that gets denied of mating?

Croc Blocked. Don't ask me my mind is weird as hell this should be in r/ComedyCemetery

What did the large reptile say to her child when it kept nagging her to listen to the song “Chandelier?”

We will listen to Sia later alligator.

What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.

What do you call a reptile that starts fights over social media?

An InstaGator

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

What happened to the pet owner who lost his lizard?

He had a reptile dysfunction

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

What do you call a reptile that goes to a poetry slam?

A snapping turtle.

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

What is a reptile's favorite recreational drug?

Mar-iguana.

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice?

An “Invest-i-Gator”.

Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)

What do you call a reptile wearing a hoodie and holding a knife?

An alleygator.

I'm in a band that makes stupid reptile jokes.

We're a pun croc band.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

What do you call a reptile that knows it's way around?

A Navigator

What do you call a reposting, colour-changing reptile?

Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon.

How does a reptile climb a mountain?

It scales it

What kind of reptile doesn't kill or eat its own prey?

A dela-gator

Meanwhile in the reptile design office in the planet construction halls of Magrethea...

>Credit to John Fennimore of BBC Radio 4

Down the corridor from Slartibartfarst and his fjord design office, in the planet construction halls, another magrethean is called in to see his supervisor.

“You wanted to see me sir”

“Ah, Zebon sit down,” The supervisor said pointing ...

What do you call a reptile detective ?

An investigator

Sorry

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

What type of weed does a reptile smoke?

Mariiguana

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

Two men are talking in a Louisiana bar.

One says to the other, "I had the strangest encounter last night. An alligator crept into my room, climbed into my bed next to me, and just stayed there all night hissing away."

"Weren't you scared at all?", said the other man.

The first man replies, "Well I guess because of the fact I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bright and brash Australian,

the hunter was his name.

All those slimy reptiles

brought him wealth and fame.

Some say he was a looker,

to girls he was a dish.

He knew everything about crocodiles

But fuck all about fish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

My pet iguana has been really lethargic recently...

He's been laying around a lot, and has trouble getting up. I took him to the vet, and he was diagnosed with a reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the pet store owner feed his snakes viagra when they were stuck crawling backwards?

He thought they were suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

Why was the herpetologist bad in bed?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the dinosaur take Viagra?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIFU by sleeping with a guy for the first time

I'm a 27 year old Lesbian, and I've always thought I'm just a lesbian. I figured it out when I was about 13, and since then I've never really been attracted to boys at all. I've never ever been interested in boys or having a relationship with one. I have many guy friends, but I've never been sexuall...

There was a lizard that lived in my back yard who lost his tail. After weeks of observation, the tail just wouldn’t grow back.

I’m not sure what the science is behind this, but I’m sure it was just a reptile dysfunction.

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

My friend has this really weird obsession with snakes, it's not right....

i think he has A Reptile Dysfunction

In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.

But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed ye...

My pet gecko wouldn't move

Vet says he has 'a reptile dysfunction'

I love talking to kids

Adults never ask me what my 3rd favorite reptile is.

I saw a lizard with two tails

It was a case of reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] why would a snake take Viagra?

For his e-reptile dysfunction

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

I’m starting a YouTube channel about my fixation with lizards and snakes. What am I going to call it?

A Reptile Dysfunction

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

Paleontologists have determined that there once was a genetic mutation millions of years ago that resulted in the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.

As far as we know, this is the first evidence ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.

Walking along a pond a heard a turtle ribbit

I guess you could say he has a reptile dysfunction

What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed?

A reptile dysfunction.




Thank high me for that one.

Know why online dating doesn't work for snakes?

e-reptile dysfunction.

One day, at the zoo...

Little Johnny and his mother go to visit the zoo. They visit the Reptile House, Monkey Island, Chimpanzee Forest, and the Avian Habitat. As they're walking toward the exit, they pass the Elephant Sanctuary.

Little Johnny points to the elephant and says, "Mommy, what's that thing hanging down...