What's the coldest type of reptile?

A blizzard.

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

God damn reptiles constantly stirring people up...

but what can you expect from all these insti-gators...

What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet?

Commodo dragon...

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

Can I have Reptile Assitance?

A: what?

B: you know, reptile assistance.

A: what are you talking about?

B: Reptile assistance. you know, crocodile help

A: WHAT!?

B:...

A:...

B: can I have a Gatorade?

A: \*flips table\*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids?

It was a Tyrannosaurass.

What kind of reptile does PI work, and works in personal finance on the side?

An investigator

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

What do you call a reptile that gets denied of mating?

Croc Blocked. Don't ask me my mind is weird as hell this should be in r/ComedyCemetery

What do you call a reptile that goes to a poetry slam?

A snapping turtle.

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

What do you call a reptile with magic powers?

A wizard........

I’ll leave now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a reptile shaped poop?

A turdle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a reptile that is impotent?

Ereptile dysfunction


I'll see my self out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two reptiles having sex?

Skinky.

What do you call a reptile that starts fights over social media?

An InstaGator

What is a reptile's favorite recreational drug?

Mar-iguana.

Why did the female crocodile leave her husband?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

Why did the lizard's wife leave him?

He had a-reptile dysfunction.

What drug do reptiles smoke?

Crackodile

Was at the vet last week....

Was at the vet last week and struck up a conversation with an older gent sitting next to me. A few mins into our conversation a green snake pokes its head out of his pocket and says "Woof!"

I looked with shock and asked his "What was that?"

He says 'oh, it's my pet snake'

'What...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You should never have sex with reptiles

You really don't want to contract gator AIDS. Horrible disease.

A man walks into a bar with a large reptile on his shoulder.

The bartender see this and asks him what his lizards name is. The man replies, “His name is tiny.” Confused, the bartender asks why he named the lizard tiny when he is obviously not tiny. “Because he’s my newt.”

What do you call a reptile that needs help?

Gatorade.

The reptile race

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were p...

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

What do you call a reptile that knows it's way around?

A Navigator

How does a reptile climb a mountain?

It scales it

What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.

I'm in a band that makes stupid reptile jokes.

We're a pun croc band.

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gator

A guy walks into the bar with a gator on a leash, bartender looks down and says “what you doing in here with that reptile”. Guy says nothing and stands up on the bar.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. I propose a challenge, if I can place my balls in this gator’s mouth and remove them undamaged everyon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

What did the large reptile say to her child when it kept nagging her to listen to the song “Chandelier?”

We will listen to Sia later alligator.

What do you call it when a man’s pet snake gets sick?

A reptile dysfunction

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

Meanwhile in the reptile design office in the planet construction halls of Magrethea...

>Credit to John Fennimore of BBC Radio 4

Down the corridor from Slartibartfarst and his fjord design office, in the planet construction halls, another magrethean is called in to see his supervisor.

“You wanted to see me sir”

“Ah, Zebon sit down,” The supervisor said pointing ...

What do you call a reptile wearing a hoodie and holding a knife?

An alleygator.

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice?

An “Invest-i-Gator”.

Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)

What kind of reptile doesn't kill or eat its own prey?

A dela-gator

What does a reptile drink when she goes to the bar?

Crocktales

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get hard?

E-reptile-disfunction

Kermit's $30,000 loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit J...

What do you call a reptile detective ?

An investigator

Sorry

What type of weed does a reptile smoke?

Mariiguana

What do you call it when someone exhibits lizard-like tendencies?

A reptile dysfunction.

Gecko won't stand

Doc I want my gecko to stand up like the Geico gecko but he can't do it.

Doc: sounds like a reptile disfunction.

How I Lost My Leg

I was walking next to a lake and this giant reptile
slid out of the water and moved toward me.

So I said, "Get away! Bye! After 'while, crocodile."

Unfortunately, it was an alligator....

I was once with a friend who saw a gecko in the wild and proceeded to take more than 300 pictures of it.

Sadly, the doctor later told him that he had a reptile dysfunction.

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

It’s freezing in Florida, which means iguanas might start falling from trees. All the old people aren’t too worried about this though.

They’re used to a reptile dysfunction

I had three pet lizards, and two of them used to climb up to the top of the enclosure, but the other one could never get up...

I took it to the vet, and they said it was “a reptile dysfunction”

If you're a lizard who can't get it up,

talk to your doctor about a reptile dysfunction.

Three men walk into a bar...

Three men walk into a bar and order three beers. The first man has an iguana on his shoulder. The second man is holding a cat, but not wearing any pants. The third man is covered head-to-toe in bees.

The bartender sets a beer in front of the first man and asks, "What's the deal with the iguan...

What do you call a couple of alligators with problems in the bedroom?

A reptile dysfunction.

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

I went to the doctor to see why I had such a big fear of snakes...

He said I have a reptile dysfunction.

What is the scientific term for impotence in lizards?

Reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a rap battle event between lizards?

A reptile diss function.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed ye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lizard went to the doctor complaining about his sex life

After hearing his story, the doctor told him,

You’ve got a reptile dysfunction

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

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