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Reptile Jokes

What do you call a large reptile who's great with directions?

A good navi-gator.
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What's the coldest type of reptile?

A blizzard.
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What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.
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Q: why are reptiles so good at playing the piano??

A: because they really know their scales!!
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What do you call a reptile that gets denied of mating?

Croc Blocked. Don't ask me my mind is weird as hell this should be in r/ComedyCemetery
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Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.
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What do you call a large reptile who likes to stir up petty fights on social media?

An Insta-gator.
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My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!
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Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales
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What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.
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This one sounds better when you say it aloud: What does Sean Connery’s favorite actress and favorite reptile have in common?

They’re both Dinah Shore.
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Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.

They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go.
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What do you call a reptile that sits between two buildings?

An Alleygator
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What do you call a lizard that doesn’t work?

A reptile dysfunction
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How does a reptile climb a mountain?

It scales it
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What do you call a reptile that goes to a poetry slam?

A snapping turtle.
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Someone Opened the Cages in the Reptile House at the Zoo

The keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the snakes back in their cages.

Frantic, he yelled to his assistant, “Call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why?”

“We need someone who speaks their language.”
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids?

It was a Tyrannosaurass.

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!
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A man walks into a bar with a large reptile on his shoulder.

The bartender see this and asks him what his lizards name is. The man replies, “His name is tiny.” Confused, the bartender asks why he named the lizard tiny when he is obviously not tiny. “Because he’s my newt.”
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What do you call a time-travelling reptile?

a T.O.R.D.I.S.
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What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.
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What did the tiny Cambrian reptile say the morning after his first workout?

He said he was just a little 'saur.
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What do you call a reptile that needs help?

Gatorade.
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I'm in a band that makes stupid reptile jokes.

We're a pun croc band.
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What is a reptile's favorite recreational drug?

Mar-iguana.
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What do you call a reptile with magic powers?

A wizard........

I’ll leave now.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a reptile shaped poop?

A turdle

What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet?

Commodo dragon...
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What do you call a reptile that is impotent?

Ereptile dysfunction


I'll see my self out
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What do you call a reptile in a four piece suit?

An in vest a gator...
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What kind of reptile does PI work, and works in personal finance on the side?

An investigator
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What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...
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The reptile race

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were p...
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What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.
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What do you call a reptile that knows it's way around?

A Navigator
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What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two reptiles having sex?

Skinky.

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator
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What do you call a reptile wearing a hoodie and holding a knife?

An alleygator.
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What do you call a reposting, colour-changing reptile?

Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon.
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My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction
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What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice?

An “Invest-i-Gator”.

Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)
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What kind of reptile doesn't kill or eat its own prey?

A dela-gator
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What do you call a reptile detective ?

An investigator

Sorry
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What type of weed does a reptile smoke?

Mariiguana
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God damn reptiles constantly stirring people up...

but what can you expect from all these insti-gators...
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Two reptiles were in a lake one day

one asks:"dude, can I hold your hand please?"


The other responds:"I dunno, seems kinda cayman"
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My pet chameleon can't change colours. I'm very worried about him. So I fed him a Viagra.

Because he has a reptile disfunction.

What do you call it when a snake gets tangled up?

A reptile disfunction
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What do you call it when a rattlesnake can't make the rattle noises anymore?

reptile-dysfunction
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Saw a snake show today..

The handler was having a really hard time getting the giant anaconda out of the sack at first.

Then, after promising an impressive length, he had a hard time getting it to stretch out so that was a let down too.

Finally, the show finished about 45min earlier than promised.

He s...
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Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

He had reptile disfunction.
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You should never have sex with reptiles

You really don't want to contract gator AIDS. Horrible disease.

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

I went to the doctor because my trouser snake didn’t work.

He said I have a reptile dysfunction
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The Facebook company has changed its name to Meta

This reminds me of the time I was at a function with Mark Zuckerberg.

I Meta morally corrupt, reptile looking asshole.

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A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed ye...

What is it called when a alligator has brain damage?

A reptile disfunction
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The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra

Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction.

Kermit's $30,000 loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit J...
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Why does Curt Connors have marital problems?

Because of his reptile disfunction
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A zookeeper couldn't get his snakes to breed

The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction
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Tried to show my snake to a girl, but It didn’t work

…You could say it was a reptile dysfuntion
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Did you hear about the dinosaur who couldn’t please his wife?

He suffered from a reptile disfunction.
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What do you call it when you have snakes in your pants?

E-Reptile Dysfunction
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What do you call it when a group of turtles just won’t get along?

Reptile disfunction.
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Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.
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If you had a robot lizard that wasn’t working properly…

…would that be eReptile Dysfunction?
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Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...
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What does a dinosaur who can't get hard have?

E-reptile dysfunction
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A lizard walks into the Doctors

He says to the Doctor, "I'm having trouble getting a stiffy"

The Doctor said "Don't worry i see this all the time you have a reptile dysfunction".
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What do you call a Chameleon that cant change colors?

A reptile dysfunction... [Bluechew review](https://www.thefate.org/bluechew-review/)
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What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn’t grow back?

A-reptile dysfunction
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The Gator

A guy walks into the bar with a gator on a leash, bartender looks down and says “what you doing in here with that reptile”. Guy says nothing and stands up on the bar.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. I propose a challenge, if I can place my balls in this gator’s mouth and remove them undamaged everyon...

Why did the female crocodile leave her husband?

He had a reptile dysfunction.
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Snake Charmer

An Indian Snake Charmer was having trouble getting his Cobra to stand up and dance for him. No matter how hard he played the Cobra just laid there limply. He finally called the vet and after the vet looked over the Cobra he informed the Snake Charmer that his Cobra was suffering from "a reptile dysf...
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Was at the vet last week....

Was at the vet last week and struck up a conversation with an older gent sitting next to me. A few mins into our conversation a green snake pokes its head out of his pocket and says "Woof!"

I looked with shock and asked his "What was that?"

He says 'oh, it's my pet snake'

'What...
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What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.
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How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.
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The lizard and snake exhibits at our local zoo just closed down.

Turns out they have a reptile dysfunction.
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Why did the lizard's wife leave him?

He had a-reptile dysfunction.
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Gecko won't stand

Doc I want my gecko to stand up like the Geico gecko but he can't do it.

Doc: sounds like a reptile disfunction.
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Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.
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What do you call it when someone exhibits lizard-like tendencies?

A reptile dysfunction.
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What do you call a convention for lizard rappers?

A reptile diss function.
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The queen is coming to mortal kombat as DLC that's right folks...

REPTILE IS PLAYABLE AGAIN!


She also gives iguanas a bad name.
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How I Lost My Leg

I was walking next to a lake and this giant reptile
slid out of the water and moved toward me.

So I said, "Get away! Bye! After 'while, crocodile."

Unfortunately, it was an alligator....
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