What's the coldest type of reptile?

A blizzard.

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

What do you call a reptile that gets denied of mating?

Croc Blocked. Don't ask me my mind is weird as hell this should be in r/ComedyCemetery

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

What do you call a reptile with magic powers?

A wizard........

I’ll leave now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a reptile shaped poop?

A turdle

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

What do you call a reptile that is impotent?

Ereptile dysfunction


I'll see my self out

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

What kind of reptile does PI work, and works in personal finance on the side?

An investigator

What drug do reptiles smoke?

Crackodile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You should never have sex with reptiles

You really don't want to contract gator AIDS. Horrible disease.

A man walks into a bar with a large reptile on his shoulder.

The bartender see this and asks him what his lizards name is. The man replies, “His name is tiny.” Confused, the bartender asks why he named the lizard tiny when he is obviously not tiny. “Because he’s my newt.”

What do you call a reptile that needs help?

Gatorade.

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a homosexual reptile that lives in swamps called?

An alli-GAY-tor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two reptiles having sex?

Skinky.

What is a reptile's favorite recreational drug?

Mar-iguana.

The reptile race

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were p...

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

Two reptiles were in a lake one day

one asks:"dude, can I hold your hand please?"


The other responds:"I dunno, seems kinda cayman"

What do you call a reptile that starts fights over social media?

An InstaGator

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

How does a reptile climb a mountain?

It scales it

What do you get when you mix multiple metals and a reptile

An alloy-gator

What did the large reptile say to her child when it kept nagging her to listen to the song “Chandelier?”

We will listen to Sia later alligator.

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get hard?

E-reptile-disfunction

What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.

I'm in a band that makes stupid reptile jokes.

We're a pun croc band.

What do you call a reptile that goes to a poetry slam?

A snapping turtle.

What do you call a reptile that knows it's way around?

A Navigator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

Gecko won't stand

Doc I want my gecko to stand up like the Geico gecko but he can't do it.

Doc: sounds like a reptile disfunction.

What do you call a reptile wearing a hoodie and holding a knife?

An alleygator.

How I Lost My Leg

I was walking next to a lake and this giant reptile
slid out of the water and moved toward me.

So I said, "Get away! Bye! After 'while, crocodile."

Unfortunately, it was an alligator....

What do you call it when someone exhibits lizard-like tendencies?

A reptile dysfunction.

Meanwhile in the reptile design office in the planet construction halls of Magrethea...

>Credit to John Fennimore of BBC Radio 4

Down the corridor from Slartibartfarst and his fjord design office, in the planet construction halls, another magrethean is called in to see his supervisor.

“You wanted to see me sir”

“Ah, Zebon sit down,” The supervisor said pointing ...

What do you call a reptile detective ?

An investigator

Sorry

Kermit's $30,000 loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit J...

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

What kind of reptile doesn't kill or eat its own prey?

A dela-gator

What does a reptile drink when she goes to the bar?

Crocktales

I was once with a friend who saw a gecko in the wild and proceeded to take more than 300 pictures of it.

Sadly, the doctor later told him that he had a reptile dysfunction.

What type of weed does a reptile smoke?

Mariiguana

What do you call it when your pet lizard stops working?

A reptile dysfunction.

It’s freezing in Florida, which means iguanas might start falling from trees. All the old people aren’t too worried about this though.

They’re used to a reptile dysfunction

I had three pet lizards, and two of them used to climb up to the top of the enclosure, but the other one could never get up...

I took it to the vet, and they said it was “a reptile dysfunction”

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

If you're a lizard who can't get it up,

talk to your doctor about a reptile dysfunction.

Three men walk into a bar...

Three men walk into a bar and order three beers. The first man has an iguana on his shoulder. The second man is holding a cat, but not wearing any pants. The third man is covered head-to-toe in bees.

The bartender sets a beer in front of the first man and asks, "What's the deal with the iguan...

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

What do you call a rap battle event between lizards?

A reptile diss function.

What do you call a couple of alligators with problems in the bedroom?

A reptile dysfunction.

I went to the doctor to see why I had such a big fear of snakes...

He said I have a reptile dysfunction.

What is the scientific term for impotence in lizards?

Reptile dysfunction.

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lizard went to the doctor complaining about his sex life

After hearing his story, the doctor told him,

You’ve got a reptile dysfunction

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Doctor why my willy went soft everytime I saw a snake?

He said I had a reptile dysfunction.

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

Sad to say my lizard has fallen ill...

Doctor says he’s got reptile dysfunction.

What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?

E-Reptile Disc Function

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed ye...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bright and brash Australian,

the hunter was his name.

All those slimy reptiles

brought him wealth and fame.

Some say he was a looker,

to girls he was a dish.

He knew everything about crocodiles

But fuck all about fish.

Two men are talking in a Louisiana bar.

One says to the other, "I had the strangest encounter last night. An alligator crept into my room, climbed into my bed next to me, and just stayed there all night hissing away."

"Weren't you scared at all?", said the other man.

The first man replies, "Well I guess because of the fact I...

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

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