What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

What's the coldest type of reptile?

A blizzard.

Q: why are reptiles so good at playing the piano??

A: because they really know their scales!!

What did the tiny Cambrian reptile say the morning after his first workout?

He said he was just a little 'saur.

What do you call a large reptile who's great with directions?

A good navi-gator.

God damn reptiles constantly stirring people up...

but what can you expect from all these insti-gators...

What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet?

Commodo dragon...

What do you call a reptile with magic powers?

A wizard........

I’ll leave now.

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

What do you call a reptile that sits between two buildings?

An Alleygator

What do you call a reptile that gets denied of mating?

Croc Blocked. Don't ask me my mind is weird as hell this should be in r/ComedyCemetery

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids?

It was a Tyrannosaurass.

What do you call it when a group of turtles just won’t get along?

Reptile disfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a reptile shaped poop?

A turdle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a snake that cant have sex?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a reptile that is impotent?

Ereptile dysfunction


I'll see my self out

A man walks into a bar with a large reptile on his shoulder.

The bartender see this and asks him what his lizards name is. The man replies, “His name is tiny.” Confused, the bartender asks why he named the lizard tiny when he is obviously not tiny. “Because he’s my newt.”

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

What do you call a reptile that starts fights over social media?

An InstaGator

What is a reptile's favorite recreational drug?

Mar-iguana.

What do you call a reptile that goes to a poetry slam?

A snapping turtle.

What do you call a convention for lizard rappers?

A reptile diss function.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra

Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction.

What kind of reptile does PI work, and works in personal finance on the side?

An investigator

What do you call a reptile in a four piece suit?

An in vest a gator...

What do you call a reptile that needs help?

Gatorade.

Two reptiles were in a lake one day

one asks:"dude, can I hold your hand please?"


The other responds:"I dunno, seems kinda cayman"

I'm in a band that makes stupid reptile jokes.

We're a pun croc band.

How does a reptile climb a mountain?

It scales it

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You should never have sex with reptiles

You really don't want to contract gator AIDS. Horrible disease.

Snake Charmer

An Indian Snake Charmer was having trouble getting his Cobra to stand up and dance for him. No matter how hard he played the Cobra just laid there limply. He finally called the vet and after the vet looked over the Cobra he informed the Snake Charmer that his Cobra was suffering from "a reptile dysf...

What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn’t grow back?

A-reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

The reptile race

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were p...

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

What do you call a reptile that knows it's way around?

A Navigator

What does a dinosaur who can't get hard have?

E-reptile dysfunction

What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

Why did the female crocodile leave her husband?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

Why did the lizard's wife leave him?

He had a-reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a reptile wearing a hoodie and holding a knife?

An alleygator.

Was at the vet last week....

Was at the vet last week and struck up a conversation with an older gent sitting next to me. A few mins into our conversation a green snake pokes its head out of his pocket and says "Woof!"

I looked with shock and asked his "What was that?"

He says 'oh, it's my pet snake'

'What...

What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice?

An “Invest-i-Gator”.

Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)

What kind of reptile doesn't kill or eat its own prey?

A dela-gator

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

Meanwhile in the reptile design office in the planet construction halls of Magrethea...

>Credit to John Fennimore of BBC Radio 4

Down the corridor from Slartibartfarst and his fjord design office, in the planet construction halls, another magrethean is called in to see his supervisor.

“You wanted to see me sir”

“Ah, Zebon sit down,” The supervisor said pointing ...

The Weeaboo Lizard

What do you call a weeb reptile?




A neckbearded dragon

What do you call a reptile detective ?

An investigator

Sorry

What type of weed does a reptile smoke?

Mariiguana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gator

A guy walks into the bar with a gator on a leash, bartender looks down and says “what you doing in here with that reptile”. Guy says nothing and stands up on the bar.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. I propose a challenge, if I can place my balls in this gator’s mouth and remove them undamaged everyon...

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

What do you call it when a lizard can’t get hard?

E-reptile-disfunction

Kermit's $30,000 loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit J...

Gecko won't stand

Doc I want my gecko to stand up like the Geico gecko but he can't do it.

Doc: sounds like a reptile disfunction.

The queen is coming to mortal kombat as DLC that's right folks...

REPTILE IS PLAYABLE AGAIN!


She also gives iguanas a bad name.

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

What do you call it when someone exhibits lizard-like tendencies?

A reptile dysfunction.

Three men walk into a bar...

Three men walk into a bar and order three beers. The first man has an iguana on his shoulder. The second man is holding a cat, but not wearing any pants. The third man is covered head-to-toe in bees.

The bartender sets a beer in front of the first man and asks, "What's the deal with the iguan...

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

How I Lost My Leg

I was walking next to a lake and this giant reptile
slid out of the water and moved toward me.

So I said, "Get away! Bye! After 'while, crocodile."

Unfortunately, it was an alligator....

It’s freezing in Florida, which means iguanas might start falling from trees. All the old people aren’t too worried about this though.

They’re used to a reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed ye...

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a couple of alligators with problems in the bedroom?

A reptile dysfunction.

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

I had three pet lizards, and two of them used to climb up to the top of the enclosure, but the other one could never get up...

I took it to the vet, and they said it was “a reptile dysfunction”

I went to the doctor to see why I had such a big fear of snakes...

He said I have a reptile dysfunction.

What is the scientific term for impotence in lizards?

Reptile dysfunction.

If you're a lizard who can't get it up,

talk to your doctor about a reptile dysfunction.

What do you call it when the crocodiles start getting all wild at the zoo?

Reptile dysfunction

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