UPJOKE
turtlelizarddinosaursnakeamphibiansynapsidcrocodilemammalbirdbirdscrocodilianvertebratereptiliankomodo dragonalligator

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

Q: why are reptiles so good at playing the piano??

A: because they really know their scales!!

What do you call a large reptile who's great with directions?

A good navi-gator.

What's the coldest type of reptile?

A blizzard.

Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the poopiest reptile?

A turdle.

God damn reptiles constantly stirring people up...

but what can you expect from all these insti-gators...

What do you call a reptile that gets denied of mating?

Croc Blocked. Don't ask me my mind is weird as hell this should be in r/ComedyCemetery

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

What do you call a large reptile that shows up out of nowhere to start a fight?

An insta-gator!

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

What do you call a reptile that starts fights over social media?

An InstaGator

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

What did the tiny Cambrian reptile say the morning after his first workout?

He said he was just a little 'saur.

What is it called when a alligator has brain damage?

A reptile disfunction

A zookeeper couldn't get his snakes to breed

The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction

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Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids?

It was a Tyrannosaurass.

What do you call a reptile with magic powers?

A wizard........

I’ll leave now.

A man walks into a bar with a large reptile on his shoulder.

The bartender see this and asks him what his lizards name is. The man replies, “His name is tiny.” Confused, the bartender asks why he named the lizard tiny when he is obviously not tiny. “Because he’s my newt.”

I'm in a band that makes stupid reptile jokes.

We're a pun croc band.

What is a reptile's favorite recreational drug?

Mar-iguana.

What do you call a reptile that sits between two buildings?

An Alleygator

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet?

Commodo dragon...

Tried to show my snake to a girl, but It didn’t work

…You could say it was a reptile dysfuntion

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What do you call a reptile shaped poop?

A turdle

What do you call a reptile that is impotent?

Ereptile dysfunction


I'll see my self out

What do you call a reptile that needs help?

Gatorade.

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

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What do you call two reptiles having sex?

Skinky.

How does a reptile climb a mountain?

It scales it

What do you call a reptile that goes to a poetry slam?

A snapping turtle.

What kind of reptile does PI work, and works in personal finance on the side?

An investigator

Did you hear about the dinosaur who couldn’t please his wife?

He suffered from a reptile disfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

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The Facebook company has changed its name to Meta

This reminds me of the time I was at a function with Mark Zuckerberg.

I Meta morally corrupt, reptile looking asshole.

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You should never have sex with reptiles

You really don't want to contract gator AIDS. Horrible disease.

If you had a robot lizard that wasn’t working properly…

…would that be eReptile Dysfunction?

The reptile race

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were p...

What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.

What do you call a reptile that knows it's way around?

A Navigator

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What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

What do you call a reptile wearing a hoodie and holding a knife?

An alleygator.

My pet iguana is acting weird

I think I have a reptile dysfunction

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

What do you call it when you have snakes in your pants?

E-Reptile Dysfunction

A lizard walks into the Doctors

He says to the Doctor, "I'm having trouble getting a stiffy"

The Doctor said "Don't worry i see this all the time you have a reptile dysfunction".

What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice?

An “Invest-i-Gator”.

Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)

What did the large reptile say to her child when it kept nagging her to listen to the song “Chandelier?”

We will listen to Sia later alligator.

Meanwhile in the reptile design office in the planet construction halls of Magrethea...

>Credit to John Fennimore of BBC Radio 4

Down the corridor from Slartibartfarst and his fjord design office, in the planet construction halls, another magrethean is called in to see his supervisor.

“You wanted to see me sir”

“Ah, Zebon sit down,” The supervisor said pointing ...

What kind of reptile doesn't kill or eat its own prey?

A dela-gator

What do you call a reptile detective ?

An investigator

Sorry

What type of weed does a reptile smoke?

Mariiguana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra

Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction.

What do you call it when a group of turtles just won’t get along?

Reptile disfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

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The Gator

A guy walks into the bar with a gator on a leash, bartender looks down and says “what you doing in here with that reptile”. Guy says nothing and stands up on the bar.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. I propose a challenge, if I can place my balls in this gator’s mouth and remove them undamaged everyon...

What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn’t grow back?

A-reptile dysfunction

What does a dinosaur who can't get hard have?

E-reptile dysfunction

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

Was at the vet last week....

Was at the vet last week and struck up a conversation with an older gent sitting next to me. A few mins into our conversation a green snake pokes its head out of his pocket and says "Woof!"

I looked with shock and asked his "What was that?"

He says 'oh, it's my pet snake'

'What...

Kermit's $30,000 loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit J...

What do you call a convention for lizard rappers?

A reptile diss function.

Why did the female crocodile leave her husband?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

Why did the lizard's wife leave him?

He had a-reptile dysfunction.

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

You know what killed all the dinosaurs?

A reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed ye...

The queen is coming to mortal kombat as DLC that's right folks...

REPTILE IS PLAYABLE AGAIN!


She also gives iguanas a bad name.

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

Gecko won't stand

Doc I want my gecko to stand up like the Geico gecko but he can't do it.

Doc: sounds like a reptile disfunction.

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

How I Lost My Leg

I was walking next to a lake and this giant reptile
slid out of the water and moved toward me.

So I said, "Get away! Bye! After 'while, crocodile."

Unfortunately, it was an alligator....

What do you call it when someone exhibits lizard-like tendencies?

A reptile dysfunction.

How do you call it when a turtle doesn't do what he's supposed to do?

Uh, reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a couple of alligators with problems in the bedroom?

A reptile dysfunction.

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