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Reptile Jokes

What's the coldest type of reptile?

A blizzard.

Q: why are reptiles so good at playing the piano??

A: because they really know their scales!!

What do you call a large reptile who's great with directions?

A good navi-gator.

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

Why do reptiles have so many scales?

Because they're paranoid about their weight.

What do you call a large reptile who likes to stir up petty fights on social media?

An Insta-gator.

Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.

They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go.

What do you call a time-travelling reptile?

a T.O.R.D.I.S.

Someone Opened the Cages in the Reptile House at the Zoo

The keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the snakes back in their cages.

Frantic, he yelled to his assistant, “Call a lawyer!”

“A lawyer? Why?”

“We need someone who speaks their language.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the poopiest reptile?

A turdle.

What do you call a reptile that sits between two buildings?

An Alleygator

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

What do you call a reptile that gets denied of mating?

Croc Blocked. Don't ask me my mind is weird as hell this should be in r/ComedyCemetery

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

How does a reptile climb a mountain?

It scales it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two reptiles having sex?

Skinky.

A family go to the zoo

They're excited to see all the exotic animals, birds & reptiles. The first enclosure is empty, totally deserted. Unperturbed they carry on to the next one.. again it's empty!
Every single enclosure, cage, run and avery they encounter is empty, deserted and unkempt..

Except, right besi...

Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

He had reptile disfunction.

What did the tiny Cambrian reptile say the morning after his first workout?

He said he was just a little 'saur.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids?

It was a Tyrannosaurass.

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

What do you call a reptile with magic powers?

A wizard........

I’ll leave now.

A man walks into a bar with a large reptile on his shoulder.

The bartender see this and asks him what his lizards name is. The man replies, “His name is tiny.” Confused, the bartender asks why he named the lizard tiny when he is obviously not tiny. “Because he’s my newt.”

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What do you call a reptile shaped poop?

A turdle

What’s the most common reptile found in your toilet?

Commodo dragon...

God damn reptiles constantly stirring people up...

but what can you expect from all these insti-gators...

I'm in a band that makes stupid reptile jokes.

We're a pun croc band.

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

What is a reptile's favorite recreational drug?

Mar-iguana.

What do you call a reptile that goes to a poetry slam?

A snapping turtle.

I went to the doctor because my trouser snake didn’t work.

He said I have a reptile dysfunction

What does it mean when your iguana's tail falls off?

You have a reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a reptile that is impotent?

Ereptile dysfunction


I'll see my self out

What do you call a reptile that needs help?

Gatorade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pet chameleon can't change colours. I'm very worried about him. So I fed him a Viagra.

Because he has a reptile disfunction.

What kind of reptile does PI work, and works in personal finance on the side?

An investigator

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

My online lizard has stopped working...

I've got e-reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom?

An instigator


I'll see myself out...

The reptile race

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were p...

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You should never have sex with reptiles

You really don't want to contract gator AIDS. Horrible disease.

What do you call a reptile that knows it's way around?

A Navigator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

What do you call a reptile wearing a hoodie and holding a knife?

An alleygator.

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.

What do you call a reposting, colour-changing reptile?

Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon.

Meanwhile in the reptile design office in the planet construction halls of Magrethea...

>Credit to John Fennimore of BBC Radio 4

Down the corridor from Slartibartfarst and his fjord design office, in the planet construction halls, another magrethean is called in to see his supervisor.

“You wanted to see me sir”

“Ah, Zebon sit down,” The supervisor said pointing ...

Why does Curt Connors have marital problems?

Because of his reptile disfunction

What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice?

An “Invest-i-Gator”.

Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)

What kind of reptile doesn't kill or eat its own prey?

A dela-gator

What is it called when a alligator has brain damage?

A reptile disfunction

What do you call a reptile detective ?

An investigator

Sorry

What type of weed does a reptile smoke?

Mariiguana

A zookeeper couldn't get his snakes to breed

The vet said he had a reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Facebook company has changed its name to Meta

This reminds me of the time I was at a function with Mark Zuckerberg.

I Meta morally corrupt, reptile looking asshole.

If you had a robot lizard that wasn’t working properly…

…would that be eReptile Dysfunction?

Tried to show my snake to a girl, but It didn’t work

…You could say it was a reptile dysfuntion

Did you hear about the dinosaur who couldn’t please his wife?

He suffered from a reptile disfunction.

What do you call it when you have snakes in your pants?

E-Reptile Dysfunction

My pet iguana is acting weird

I think I have a reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The veterinarian gave my turtle Viagra

Apparently it had a reptile dysfunction.

What do you call it when a group of turtles just won’t get along?

Reptile disfunction.

A lizard walks into the Doctors

He says to the Doctor, "I'm having trouble getting a stiffy"

The Doctor said "Don't worry i see this all the time you have a reptile dysfunction".

What does a dinosaur who can't get hard have?

E-reptile dysfunction

What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn’t grow back?

A-reptile dysfunction

Why as it important for Ted Cruz to be in Cancun while Texas is freezing?

Reptiles require sunlight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gator

A guy walks into the bar with a gator on a leash, bartender looks down and says “what you doing in here with that reptile”. Guy says nothing and stands up on the bar.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. I propose a challenge, if I can place my balls in this gator’s mouth and remove them undamaged everyon...

Kermit's $30,000 loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit J...

My pet snake just lays around and won't move

I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

Why did the lizard's wife leave him?

He had a-reptile dysfunction.

Snake Charmer

An Indian Snake Charmer was having trouble getting his Cobra to stand up and dance for him. No matter how hard he played the Cobra just laid there limply. He finally called the vet and after the vet looked over the Cobra he informed the Snake Charmer that his Cobra was suffering from "a reptile dysf...

Was at the vet last week....

Was at the vet last week and struck up a conversation with an older gent sitting next to me. A few mins into our conversation a green snake pokes its head out of his pocket and says "Woof!"

I looked with shock and asked his "What was that?"

He says 'oh, it's my pet snake'

'What...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed ye...

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

Why did the female crocodile leave her husband?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a convention for lizard rappers?

A reptile diss function.

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors.

Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

Gecko won't stand

Doc I want my gecko to stand up like the Geico gecko but he can't do it.

Doc: sounds like a reptile disfunction.

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

Have you guys heard about the cobra who couldn't raise its head off the ground?

He had reptile dysfunction.

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