Kiwi Jokes - 58 Hilarious Kiwi Jokes

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An Aussie starts a conversation with a Kiwi at his farm.

Aussie: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk."

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie...

A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it su...

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A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

Does anyone know how to easily peel a kiwi?

All those feathers keep getting in the way

I ate a kiwi

Everyone at the zoo was looking at me weird

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An Aussie and a Kiwi are sitting at a pub, downing a few beers, after a game of rugby.

The Kiwi turns to the Aussie and says, "Bro, if I shagged your wife over a railing and got her pregnant, would it make us related?"

To which the Aussie replies, "Dunno, mate, but I do know it'll make us even."

Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie.

One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!

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Did you know that if you stroke your testicle with one hand and a kiwi with the other and close your eyes, you won’t feel the difference?

And that I’m not allowed to shop at Whole Foods for the next couple of months?

How does a Kiwi find a sheep in the long grass?

Absolutely irresistible

What did the Kiwi say to the Jew?

Hee broo

Two friends get a parrot

Two friends get a parrot, but aren't sure what to name it.

The one friend, Bill says "We should name it Bill Jr."

"We should name it Bill Jr" the Parrot squeaked

Bill rolled his eyes "Stupid parrot"

"Stupid parrot" the Parrot squeaked

Clive liked the name "Kiwi" an...

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I asked a kiwi how many sexual partners he had had...

He fell asleep counting.

In Barcelona, there's a common prank where spicy peppers are hidden inside kiwi fruits, and then the 'victim' is tricked into eating them

Nobody expects the Spanish in-kiwi Sichuan

Kiwis

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".

Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We ...

A teacher said to her class

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red." Little Timmy's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but i like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green...

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One of my favorites

So three men crash land on an island in the middle of the ocean. They are soon captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader tells each man to go find ten of a fruit and come back to the village. Each man, not wanting to be eaten, goes and gets the fruit.

The first man comes back with kiwis. T...

NZ joke for you

There was a man out tramping the Milford track.
He got horribly lost and went for a week without food by the 8th day he came across a kiwi and decided to cook and eat it. Half way through his meal a D.O.C ( department of conservation ) ranger found him, outraged he took him to court.

The ...

Why do so many Kiwis move to Australia?

To improve the gene pool of both countries

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Politically Correct joke

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portugese, a Rus...

An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar

The bartender says
"Im sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"

Sheeps

3 sheep farmers, an Australian and a New Zealander and a Welshman are in a bar having a drink and chatting.

The Welshman asks the other two in what position they have relations with their sheep if needs become desperate.

The Kiwi says "Well, I'll grab a sheep by the back legs like a wh...

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A man goes for a walk in New Zealand…

Along the way he comes across a Kiwi farmer. He stops and greets the farmer with a hearty ‘hello’ and the farmer returns his greeting.

The man looks down at the farmers dog and asks the farmer if he can have a chat to the dog.
Perplexed, the farmer responds: ‘ Sure, but the dog doesn’t ta...

Two eggs in the fridge are talking

The first one says: dude, you could have shaved.
The other one answers: I am a kiwi.

I got a good Kiwi Joke

A man walks into a bar and excitedly says to the bar tender, "Hey mate, I got a good Kiwi joke, want to hear it?

The bar tender replies, "I don't know about that bro, I'm a Kiwi"

"No, no, its a good one" the man says.

"Well Jim at the end of the bar is also a Kiwi" says the bar ...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

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A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

Brits, Aussies, and Kiwis will most likely only get this:

Remember Bill and Ben, The Flowerpot Men?

One day, Bill says to Ben, "Flobadobglibglobbloobleglob!"

And Ben say, "If you loved me, you'd swallow that....."

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

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An American, an Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar...

... they sit at the bar and order whiskey.

The American picks up his glass, downs the shot of whiskey and throws the glass into the fireplace. "In America, we got so many glasses, we don't drink out of the same one twice!"

The Kiwi nods, downs his drink throws it up into the air and sh...

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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night.

An intelligent drunken Aussie led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Kiwi clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Kiwi clock...seriously?!...

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Classic NZ joke.

An Australian gets off the plane after touching down in New Zealand, first thing he sees is a Kiwi absolutely ramming a sheep up the arse.

Disgusted, the Australian tries to offer some advice, "Mate, where I'm from, we shear our sheep."

The kiwi bleats back, "Shear my sheep?! I ain't s...

What fruit has 2 eyes?

A kiwi

How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander?

One's got a smooth pair down under and the other has some hairy kiwis.

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Curing Prostate Cancer

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he h...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

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A New Zealander and an Australian are walking through a paddock

and they come across a sheep stuck with it's head stuck in a fence. The Aussie turns to the Kiwi.

"Do you think we should help him?"

The Kiwi, not one to turn down easy prey, pulls his pants down in one smooth motion and takes the sheep from behind amidst a plethora of protesting bleet...

what’s the difference between kiwis and emus?

the tasman sea

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This is a Kurdish joke and I hope I can translate it well. So a man is planning to visit Europe for a year...

Before he leaves to the airport he goes to the supermarket to get essentials. As he’s there he sees Kiwis and he absolutely loved them, but unfortunately he can’t buy them now since he’s leaving, but he promises himself when he gets back he’ll buy some from the same guy.

He departs to Europe ...

Two eggs are chatting in a fridge

The first one says: eeewwww, look at the egg in the corner, it’s completly rotten. The second egg replies: yes, you’re right, it’s green and covered with hair, sooo disgusting.
The third egg turns around, rolls his eyes and declares: I am a kiwi, stupid...

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A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes.
"bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap.
"oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First yo...

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "Wha...

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An Eskimo is holidaying in New Zealand..

His car breaks down. A Kiwi stops to help, opens the bonnet, and says "Bro, you've blown a seal" To which the Eskimo responds "so what mate, you fuck sheep!"

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National slants on the penis

Unlikely as it sounds, an American, a North Korean, a Frenchman, and a Kiwi were all having a drink near the DMZ. And drunken conversation got to the topic of the knob on the end of the penis.

The American said “the knob is on the penis to aid penetration of the female parts”.

The...

A joke about the New Zealand accent.

An Australian tourist visits New Zealand. He decides to go a small town to take in the lush, rural landscape.

He sees a New Zealand farmer walking down the street, carrying a sheep under his arm. Curious the Australian asks, "Are you going to shear that sheep?"

The Kiwi farmer responds...

A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand

and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:

Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to...

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A man from New Zealand was showing his friend from Australia the countryside

After a couple of hours of driving they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence, the Kiwi man being the sheepshagger he is gets to work and quickly finishes.
The Aussie overcomes his shock and laughs to the Kiwi

“Hah, mind if I have a go mate?”

“Yeah man go hard” resp...

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An Australian on holiday in New Zealand sees a farmer crouched over the rear of a sheep.

"Are you shearing that sheep?" He asks.

"Fuck of cunt I'm not sharing it with anyone, especially an Aussie" the Kiwi replies.

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Guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder...

He goes up to the bartender and says, "Hey, this monkey here will eat *anything*. Pick something, anything, and this monkey will eat it."

Bartender looks at him, shrugs and says, "Uh, the whole bowl of bar nuts there."

"No, no, no," says the guy, "come *on*. Give him a *challenge*."...

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Three men are stranded on an island full of cannibals.

They are each told to go into the forest and bring back ten of any fruit.

The first man returns carrying kiwis and is told that if he can fit all of them into his ass without making a sound, he will be allowed to live. He manages to get four in, but on the fifth, he gasps and is taken off to ...

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A New Zealander sheep shearer gets a job in Australia.

At the lunch break of his first day in the shearing shed, he drops his dacks, pulls his cock out, grabs a sheep and starts fucking it. The Australians look at him, roll their eyes, shake their heads and mutter, "Bloody Kiwis."

Then one old bloke approaches him and says, "Mate, you're suppo...

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A man is shipwrecked on an island

A man is sailing off the coast of Australia when a storm hits. He ends up shipwrecked on a little island.

There are just pastures and a few farms, so he goes up to one of the farms and asks if he can stay. A couple of grizzled old shepherds are there, and they give him lodging.

The ne...

What did the Rabbi from New Zealand say?

Hey Bro

(Read in your best Kiwi accent)

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[Long NSFW] Oxford professor

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

Did you hear about Draymond Green's new comedy road show?

It's like Gallagher, but instead of watermelons he only smashes kiwis.

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An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia.

...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.

The sheik steps forward and announces: "Because it...

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station...

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.

"How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?" one asked.

"None of your business, mate" said one of the Kiwis.

Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, t...

An Australian is taking a walk in New Zealand...

when he looks into the field beside the path and sees a Kiwi farmer having his way with a sheep. He is a little shocked, so he walks over and tells the farmer "You know mate, in Australia we shear sheep."
The Kiwi farmer looks up at him and exclaims "Not here in New Zeelund bro, I ain't shearing...

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