This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

Two female parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

“What do they say?" the priest inquired.

“They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassin...

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The bartender says "Wow, where'd you get that?" and the parrot says "Africa, there's millions of 'em there".

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

​

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

​

Parrots are like America. They bli...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the
shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the p...

There were two parrots sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says...

"Can you smell fish?"

Did you hear about the geometry teacher who left his parrot's cage open?

Polygon.

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

He got a woodpecker.

A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot.

She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”

​

The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.

&#x200...

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.

​

Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.

&#x...

The Parrot

Every day, a woman walks by a pet store with a Parrot on a perch right outside the door, and as she walks by the parrot says, "Wow...you're ugly", or some other kind of insult about her looks.

She finally got tired of it and went in and told the owner, "Your parrot insults me every time I pas...

My parrot got so fat that it died.

It's a huge weight off my shoulder.

What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?

No idea, but when that animal talks, people will listen.

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.

​

“If you don’t ...

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

I used to have a parrot who talked a lot...

He never said he was hungry, so he died.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl and her parrot

A girl was complaining to her friend about her pet parrot calling her a whore. Her friend tells her to give him the parrot for a few days and he can sort things out.

​

He takes the parrot home, fills a tub with water, and holds the parrot's head under the water for a bit and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whi...

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner...

Man brings a limp parrot to the vet

Man brings a limp parrot to the vet, the vet takes one look at it and says "I'm sorry there's nothing I can do."

The man is furious, "You didn't even try!"

Vet shrugs, walks out of the room and walks back in with a black labrador. The dog sniffs the parrot, pauses and then shakes its h...

A man walks into a pet store, interested in a parrot. He notices a gorgeous bird with a red ribbon on its right ankle and a blue ribbon on the left ankle.

The man asks the store owner about the ribbons.

“Oh, this is a specially trained parrot. If you tug on the red ribbon, the parrot will recite the Declaration of Independence. If you tug on the blue ribbon, he recites the Gettysburg Address.”

“That’s pretty awesome,” the man responds, “...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parrot died today.

Its last words were "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"...

A Woman Goes To Buy A Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young girl had a female parrot that used to follow her everywhere .

The parrot was even imitating the owner by saying

"I'm beautiful, I' am sexy, and I' love sex "

One day ,a priest came over to bless the house He was shocked to hear the parrot saying "I'm beautifull,I' am sexy and I' love sex "

_Good Lord child !!! I' have 2 parrots at home ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

I just got banned from the National Zoo for making a parrot giggle...

... its polly tickle correctness gone mad!

A magician and the parrot

There was a magician on a cruise ship. He started off having a good gig, until the captains parrot started spoiling the tricks after watching them over and over. One day the ship sinks. And the only two survivors are the magician and the parrot. After sitting in the row boat for a couple of days. Th...

What do pirate parrots say?

Polly wanna kraken!

(Amongst a large array other parrot-related sounds)

A pirate captain bought a parrot in a petshop...

Every time one of his subordinates got out of hand, he would make them walk the plank. And whenever this happened, everyone would chant "Make him walk the plank! Make him walk the plank!". Eventually the parrot picked this up and would start chanting it all the time. This got so annoying, the captai...

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A trucker’s wife sees 3 parrots for sale

A trucker’s wife sees 3 parrots for sale:
150$, 100$ & 10$
She asks why the last parrot is so cheap.
The pet owner said it used to live in a whore house.
The woman laughs and buys it.
She gets home and the parrot says”Wow!A new whore house!”
The woman laughs.
When her two d...

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A parrot accidentally takes some of his owners viagra

To help the parrot cool it off some, he decides to thrown the parrot into the fridge for a while.

After about 10 minutes the owner opens the fridge and sees his parrot sweating like crazy and asks the parrot “it’s cold in there how in the world are you sweating?” to which the parrot says “y...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

How can you chart all the lies your parrot tells?

A poly graph.

What did the mathematician call their parrot when it stopped eating?

Polynomial.

What did they call it when it died?

Polygon.

What do you call a parrot that speaks more than one language?

Polly-lingual

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Bobby goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been reposting to /r/jokes."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Bobby?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And what joke was it that you reposted?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to spoil the joke for you."

"Well, Bobby, ...

Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playi...

I wrote this, does it need work?

Next door's parrot was so good at doing impressions, it even *tasted* like chicken.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, ...

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understo...

The Burglar and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables.
A voice in the dark said, “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and cont...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman bought a parrot.

After being brought in, the parrot said "Shit, new whorehouse!"

Later, the woman's daughters came home, and the parrot said "Shit, new whorehouse, new whores!"

And then, after her husband came, the parrot said: "New whorehouse, new whores, same old customer! How's it goin', Dave?"

I gave my parrot Lidocaine....

The doctor says his days are numb bird.

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly?"

"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Female parrot thief on the loose

Shes been known to take a cockatoo

What do you stuff a parrot with?

Polyfilla

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

Pirate

A pirate walks in a tavern, and sits by the bar.

Barman asks:

\-So, where you got this prothesis leg?

Pirate anserws:

\-It was really long ago. A shark got on the ship, and bit my leg off.

Barman asks another time:

\-And, where you got the hook in place of h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Brothel Parrot.

A woman wanted to buy a pet, since her daughter was in college and her husband was the whole day at work, leaving her with no company at home. At the pet store she told the worker that she loves birds and was interested into buying one.

After showing the woman many different kinds of birds, s...

Have you heard the one about the parrot?

Have you heard the one about the parrot that memorized the entire Bible?




Yeah, appearently the bird is the word.

A man was doing some last minute Christmas shopping and spotted a beautiful parrot through the window of a pet shop.

The man walked inside to get a better look, and the owner of the shop approached the man.

"That's Chet," the owner said, "He's a very special parrot."

"What do you mean special?" the man asked.

The owner struck a match and held it under the parrots left foot and Chet began to...

Three young sons left native home, went out on their own and prospered......!

Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our beloved mother."

The second said, "I sent her a marvelous & attractive Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Y...

Two friends get a parrot

Two friends get a parrot, but aren't sure what to name it.

The one friend, Bill says "We should name it Bill Jr."

"We should name it Bill Jr" the Parrot squeaked

Bill rolled his eyes "Stupid parrot"

"Stupid parrot" the Parrot squeaked

Clive liked the name "Kiwi" an...

A man in Soviet Russia owns a rare talking parrot.

One day he comes home to find it missing.


Immediately, he goes to the KGB and asks if they have seen his parrot.


"This is not something we handle, Comrade. Go to the criminal police if you want your parrot back", the KGB officer replies.


"No, no, Comrade Major, I do ...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says “Hey you got a steering wheel on your pants”
The pirate says “Arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts!!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mum and daughter wants to get a parrot.

There was a parrot given away by a prostitution and it was sent to the adoption home. The mum and daughter went to the adoption home and looked at the parrot and all the parrot kept saying is "Fuck you! Fuck you!".

Finding it funny, the mum and daughter enquired about the parrot's traits and...

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

I dated a girl who owned a parrot once.

She was so annoying. Always mocked my voice, interrupted my phone calls, and wouldn't shut up.


The parrot was pretty cool, though, I guess.

A man bought a quick learning parrot...

... and while driving home from the pet store, he was talking on the phone. "SHUT UP!" he yelled into the phone and hung up.

A few days later he was watching a boxing match on TV and a guy in the stands yelled; "HIT HIM ON THE NOSE!"

The day after, the man was looking at horse racing f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW An old woman buys a parrot.

She asks the salesman if it speaks and he assures her it does but he warns her that it was a sailor who was the first owner.

When she gets home and puts the parrot in it’s cage it starts saying all kinds of profanity and obscene words.

She hurries down to the pet shop and tells the sho...

A man adopted a parrot from an animal shelter.

Since he adopted it, the parrot never stopped cursing. At night it was cursing. During the day it was cursing. At midnight it was cursing. One day, the man was fed up with the parrot, and put cyanide in its water. The next day, he found the parrot dead. He was relieved, until he noticed it was flipp...

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a very rude parrot who stood at a barber's door. Every time Jane went by he'd say "Yo, bitch!"

Tired of this, Jane went to the barber and complained. As a punishment, the barber painted the parrot completely in black.

Two days after, Jane went again by the barber's door and the parrot didn't say anything. On the next day she went by twice and again, the parrot didn't say anything.
<...

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says ‘that’s so cool, that’s the neatest thing I’ve ever seen. Where’d you get that?’

The parrot says ‘I got him in Africa, there’s tons of them.’

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three parrots are in a pet shop for sale

Priced at £170, £150 and £10.

A woman asks the shopkeeper "Why is that parrot so cheap?"

The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."

The woman finds this amusing so she buys the parrot. On returning home the parrot takes in its new surroundings and says "Fuck ...

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot and places the parrot, stiff as a board, onto the vets desk.

"Doctor I think my parrot is sick. Please make him well again!"

The vet takes a look at the parrot and puts his stethoscope on the parrots chest and listens solemnly for a few mo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot for the family pet

The wife is given an option and since she doesn't have too much money goes for the cheapest one and wonders why it is cheap. The owner tells her it is because it is from a brothel.

When she arrives home the parrot says: "Another new brothel for sex"
Then when the daughter arrives the par...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Parrot Joke

A lady walking to work evryday passes by a pet shop. Out on the sidewalk sits a parrot on his perch. As she passes the parrot goes "HEY LADY." she looks at him and says "yes" the parrot replies "You're fucking ugly." The lady gets her panties in a knot and walks off in a huff.

The next da...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady sees a beautiful parrot at a petstore for $1

She asks, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"

The petstore clerk explains, "This parrot lived in a whorehouse until three months ago. He has a filthy mouth."

The lady takes pity on the parrot and buys him. She takes him home and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, a new whorehouse!"

Her...

What do parrots call their special forces?

Parrotroopers

A man once bought a parrot

After bringing it home, he realizes that the parrot has the most vile, filthy vulgar vocabulary. The man, on the other hand, was educated and polite and this caused him great embarrassment.
After a few days, the man has had enough and tells the parrot "If you don't behave yourself, I'm going to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to an animal shelter and sees a parrot without legs sitting on its stick.

"If you don't mind me asking," he asks the parrot, "how do you sit on that stick of yours without having feet to hold on to it?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing," the parrot replies, "but I wrap my tiny little parrot penis around it and that's how I don't fall off. Gotta make do with what you...

I’m giving away my legless parrot for free.

No perches necessary.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Another lady goes to a pet shop...

And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, "I want this parrot. How much is it for?"

The shop owner says, "2000 dollars"

The lady says, "I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn't the price a bit too high?"
...

One day a man went to an auction.

While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was fina...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot

She sees a beautiful one but way cheaper than the others. She asks the owner about it.

“The thing is, that parrot used to be in brothel and because of that he developed a very dirty tongue. Because of its language I had to reduce its price.”

The woman decide to buy the parrot anyway b...

Jesus is Watching

A thief breaks into a house and starts to steal some things when he hears a soft voice.

"Jesus is watching you."

He hesitates, but moves farther into the house and keeps stealing. Louder this time he hears, "Jesus is watching you."

The thief moves into the living room, looking ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to buy a pet parrot for the family.

She goes to the store, and sees they are priced at $175, $140 and $20.

When asked about the low priced one, the store owner says it's a second hand bird, and it used to live in a whore house. As such, it's choice of language is limited and can be deemed offensive.

As the woman looks at...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home an...

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede?

A Walkie-talkie.

Parrots and Chickens

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One d...

A magician has a good gig

A magician finds a profitable gig on a cruise ship. His show packs out every night and cruise audiences are always grateful and astonished.

Until one day the first mate brings a parrot on board. The problem is that the parrot ruins all the tricks. In the middle of his act it will squawk “Rah...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun walks into a pet shop, set on purchasing a parrot.

The shop owner, noticing the Holy Sister, hurries quickly to offer her a hand and enquire as to what she’s after.

“Well, you see sir, the Nunnery can be rather drab, believe it or not, and so we’d like to add some colour, but we need a well behaved parrot, absolutely no swearing.”
The owne...

What happens if a pirate abuses his parrots?

The Yarrr-SPCA come and take them away.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Parrot with No Legs

A man and his wife are in a pet store to purchase their first pet. Unfortunately, she has her eyes on a very expensive Blue Macaw that costs several thousand dollars. In a cage next to it is a smaller, rough looking parrot. The parrot looks at the man and whispers :

"Hey buddy, you should buy...

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.

George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He open...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old fat chick walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder.

She says, "I will fuck and suck anyone who can tell me how much this parrot weights."
A drunk guy in the back yells, "500 POUNDS!"
She says, "Close enough."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Foul mouthed parrot

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a parrot.
She finds there’s three birds available. Two fine plumed parrots for 200$ and a really exotic multicolored one for 20$.

The pet shop owner explained that the beautiful one is on discount because of its coarse language from having previously...

A man buys a parrot for $2,500

The minute he brings the parrot into his house, the bird starts cussing at him, screaming, yelling and calling him every degrading name in the book.

Day in, day out, all the parrot does is give the poor guy a hard time.

The man tries to be nice, he tries pleading with the parrot, he ...

A guy walks into a petshop and starts eating all the parrot food.

The cashier runs to the man and says: “Hey, what do you think you’re doing!”
The man responds: “Hey, what do you think you’re doing!”

I'm really worried about my Parrot.

He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.