This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whi...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

There were two parrots sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says...

"Can you smell fish?"

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder

The bartender says "Wow, where'd you get that?" and the parrot says "Africa, there's millions of 'em there".

A parrot gets in a bar

Do you guys have any peanuts?

\-no sorry we don't have some

The next day, the parrot gets in again

\-Do you guys have any peanuts ?

\-No we still don't

The next day

\-Do you guys have any peanuts ?

\-No we don't and if you come annoy me one more time ...

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? 🦜

A carrot.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

​

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

​

Parrots are like America. They bli...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two female parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

“What do they say?" the priest inquired.

“They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassin...

Parrot food

I go into a pet shop and ask an employee where the parrot food is. "At the back of the store on the right" she says. I immediately go there, tear open a bag and start eating from it. The employee comes to me and asks "do you think this is normal?" I look a bit surprised at her and say "do you th...

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A woman walks into a pet shop looking to buy a parrot.

"Do you have any parrots for sale?" asks the woman.

"We only have one left," replies the shopkeeper. "But I must warn you she has a filthy mouth. Take a listen."

The shopkeeper lifts a blanket off a cage to reveal the parrot, who instantly starts squawking, "My name's Bella and I want ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy inherits a parrot when his friend dies...

But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb fuck, a cunt, and several other names.

The guy tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing.

Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer.

Even from in there, he hears him cussing him ou...

The Parrot

A young man named Steve received a parrot as a gift. The parrot really had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

Steve tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite w...

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?

He got a woodpecker.

I wanted to do geometry with my parrot...

Then I remembered that polygon :(

What do you get when you combine a parrot and a shark?

Something that talks your leg off.

My parrot got so fat that it died.

It's a huge weight off my shoulder.

A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot.

She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.”

​

The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home.

&#x200...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Talking Parrot

A guy buys a talking parrot that knows how to day swear words and thought it would be cool. After a couple of days, the guy starts to get annoyed being cussed at constantly by the thing. "I'm gonna give you three chances to stop swearing at me or else I'll throw you in the freezer!" The parrot didn'...

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.

​

“If you don’t ...

The brothel parrot

A woman had been a housewife for years and was tired of her quiet, lonely days. So she decided to buy a talking parrot. Excitedly, she went down to the pet store and made her case to the owner.

"Well..." said the storekeep slowly. "I do have a parrot that talks, and he's really clever... It's...

Did you hear about the geometry teacher who left his parrot's cage open?

Polygon.

The Parrot

Every day, a woman walks by a pet store with a Parrot on a perch right outside the door, and as she walks by the parrot says, "Wow...you're ugly", or some other kind of insult about her looks.

She finally got tired of it and went in and told the owner, "Your parrot insults me every time I pas...

A Woman Goes To Buy A Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

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A girl and her parrot

A girl was complaining to her friend about her pet parrot calling her a whore. Her friend tells her to give him the parrot for a few days and he can sort things out.

​

He takes the parrot home, fills a tub with water, and holds the parrot's head under the water for a bit and...

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and foul vocabulary. He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and scr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young girl had a female parrot that used to follow her everywhere .

The parrot was even imitating the owner by saying

"I'm beautiful, I' am sexy, and I' love sex "

One day ,a priest came over to bless the house He was shocked to hear the parrot saying "I'm beautifull,I' am sexy and I' love sex "

_Good Lord child !!! I' have 2 parrots at home ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parrot just died.

His last words were “Fuck. I think my parrot is about to die.”

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"...

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital

So a woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner...

I used to have a parrot who talked a lot...

He never said he was hungry, so he died.

What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?

No idea, but when that animal talks, people will listen.

A wealthy dude walks into a pet store for people with fat wallets.

He explains that he's looking for a birthday present to his friend. And his friend happen to like birds, so he needs a parrot, a talented one of course.

​

Store owner says that he's got just a thing and takes him over to a huge stand with three exotic parrots.

&#x...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A trucker’s wife sees 3 parrots for sale

A trucker’s wife sees 3 parrots for sale:
150$, 100$ & 10$
She asks why the last parrot is so cheap.
The pet owner said it used to live in a whore house.
The woman laughs and buys it.
She gets home and the parrot says”Wow!A new whore house!”
The woman laughs.
When her two d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

What do pirate parrots say?

Polly wanna kraken!

(Amongst a large array other parrot-related sounds)

I just got banned from the National Zoo for making a parrot giggle...

... its polly tickle correctness gone mad!

A magician and the parrot

There was a magician on a cruise ship. He started off having a good gig, until the captains parrot started spoiling the tricks after watching them over and over. One day the ship sinks. And the only two survivors are the magician and the parrot. After sitting in the row boat for a couple of days. Th...

Man brings a limp parrot to the vet

Man brings a limp parrot to the vet, the vet takes one look at it and says "I'm sorry there's nothing I can do."

The man is furious, "You didn't even try!"

Vet shrugs, walks out of the room and walks back in with a black labrador. The dog sniffs the parrot, pauses and then shakes its h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Bobby goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been reposting to /r/jokes."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Bobby?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And what joke was it that you reposted?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to spoil the joke for you."

"Well, Bobby, ...

A pirate captain bought a parrot in a petshop...

Every time one of his subordinates got out of hand, he would make them walk the plank. And whenever this happened, everyone would chant "Make him walk the plank! Make him walk the plank!". Eventually the parrot picked this up and would start chanting it all the time. This got so annoying, the captai...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

What do you call a parrot that speaks more than one language?

Polly-lingual

What did the mathematician call their parrot when it stopped eating?

Polynomial.

What did they call it when it died?

Polygon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A parrot accidentally takes some of his owners viagra

To help the parrot cool it off some, he decides to thrown the parrot into the fridge for a while.

After about 10 minutes the owner opens the fridge and sees his parrot sweating like crazy and asks the parrot “it’s cold in there how in the world are you sweating?” to which the parrot says “y...

How can you chart all the lies your parrot tells?

A poly graph.

I wrote this, does it need work?

Next door's parrot was so good at doing impressions, it even *tasted* like chicken.

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....

The man says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 bucks my parrot can recite the Gettysburg Address!" The parrot squawks a bit and flaps its wings. Furious, the man pays the bartender and returns home.

When they get home the man berates the parrot for failing to perform and the parrot responds, ...

Pirate

A pirate walks in a tavern, and sits by the bar.

Barman asks:

\-So, where you got this prothesis leg?

Pirate anserws:

\-It was really long ago. A shark got on the ship, and bit my leg off.

Barman asks another time:

\-And, where you got the hook in place of h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Female parrot thief on the loose

Shes been known to take a cockatoo

I gave my parrot Lidocaine....

The doctor says his days are numb bird.

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly?"

"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

What do you stuff a parrot with?

Polyfilla

A man in Soviet Russia owns a rare talking parrot.

One day he comes home to find it missing.


Immediately, he goes to the KGB and asks if they have seen his parrot.


"This is not something we handle, Comrade. Go to the criminal police if you want your parrot back", the KGB officer replies.


"No, no, Comrade Major, I do ...

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman bought a parrot.

After being brought in, the parrot said "Shit, new whorehouse!"

Later, the woman's daughters came home, and the parrot said "Shit, new whorehouse, new whores!"

And then, after her husband came, the parrot said: "New whorehouse, new whores, same old customer! How's it goin', Dave?"

Two friends get a parrot

Two friends get a parrot, but aren't sure what to name it.

The one friend, Bill says "We should name it Bill Jr."

"We should name it Bill Jr" the Parrot squeaked

Bill rolled his eyes "Stupid parrot"

"Stupid parrot" the Parrot squeaked

Clive liked the name "Kiwi" an...

I dated a girl who owned a parrot once.

She was so annoying. Always mocked my voice, interrupted my phone calls, and wouldn't shut up.


The parrot was pretty cool, though, I guess.

A man was doing some last minute Christmas shopping and spotted a beautiful parrot through the window of a pet shop.

The man walked inside to get a better look, and the owner of the shop approached the man.

"That's Chet," the owner said, "He's a very special parrot."

"What do you mean special?" the man asked.

The owner struck a match and held it under the parrots left foot and Chet began to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Brothel Parrot.

A woman wanted to buy a pet, since her daughter was in college and her husband was the whole day at work, leaving her with no company at home. At the pet store she told the worker that she loves birds and was interested into buying one.

After showing the woman many different kinds of birds, s...

Three young sons left native home, went out on their own and prospered......!

Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our beloved mother."

The second said, "I sent her a marvelous & attractive Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. Y...

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

Given that it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, I be havin' a story about me parrot!

Back when I were just a young sea-dog, I found meself sailin' under the iron grip o' Captain Nobeard. A fearsome pirate, was she, known fer cuttin' down anyone who crossed her!

Well, being a new pirate, I figured I'd be needin' a parrot fer me shoulder. Picked one out, did I, in the first por...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mum and daughter wants to get a parrot.

There was a parrot given away by a prostitution and it was sent to the adoption home. The mum and daughter went to the adoption home and looked at the parrot and all the parrot kept saying is "Fuck you! Fuck you!".

Finding it funny, the mum and daughter enquired about the parrot's traits and...

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot and places the parrot, stiff as a board, onto the vets desk.

"Doctor I think my parrot is sick. Please make him well again!"

The vet takes a look at the parrot and puts his stethoscope on the parrots chest and listens solemnly for a few mo...

Have you heard the one about the parrot?

Have you heard the one about the parrot that memorized the entire Bible?




Yeah, appearently the bird is the word.

A man bought a quick learning parrot...

... and while driving home from the pet store, he was talking on the phone. "SHUT UP!" he yelled into the phone and hung up.

A few days later he was watching a boxing match on TV and a guy in the stands yelled; "HIT HIM ON THE NOSE!"

The day after, the man was looking at horse racing f...

A man adopted a parrot from an animal shelter.

Since he adopted it, the parrot never stopped cursing. At night it was cursing. During the day it was cursing. At midnight it was cursing. One day, the man was fed up with the parrot, and put cyanide in its water. The next day, he found the parrot dead. He was relieved, until he noticed it was flipp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a very rude parrot who stood at a barber's door. Every time Jane went by he'd say "Yo, bitch!"

Tired of this, Jane went to the barber and complained. As a punishment, the barber painted the parrot completely in black.

Two days after, Jane went again by the barber's door and the parrot didn't say anything. On the next day she went by twice and again, the parrot didn't say anything.
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three parrots are in a pet shop for sale

Priced at £170, £150 and £10.

A woman asks the shopkeeper "Why is that parrot so cheap?"

The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."

The woman finds this amusing so she buys the parrot. On returning home the parrot takes in its new surroundings and says "Fuck ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady sees a beautiful parrot at a petstore for $1

She asks, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"

The petstore clerk explains, "This parrot lived in a whorehouse until three months ago. He has a filthy mouth."

The lady takes pity on the parrot and buys him. She takes him home and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, a new whorehouse!"

Her...

Jesus is Watching

A thief breaks into a house and starts to steal some things when he hears a soft voice.

"Jesus is watching you."

He hesitates, but moves farther into the house and keeps stealing. Louder this time he hears, "Jesus is watching you."

The thief moves into the living room, looking ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW An old woman buys a parrot.

She asks the salesman if it speaks and he assures her it does but he warns her that it was a sailor who was the first owner.

When she gets home and puts the parrot in it’s cage it starts saying all kinds of profanity and obscene words.

She hurries down to the pet shop and tells the sho...

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says ‘that’s so cool, that’s the neatest thing I’ve ever seen. Where’d you get that?’

The parrot says ‘I got him in Africa, there’s tons of them.’

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Another lady goes to a pet shop...

And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, "I want this parrot. How much is it for?"

The shop owner says, "2000 dollars"

The lady says, "I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn't the price a bit too high?"
...

One day a man went to an auction.

While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was fina...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Parrot Joke

A lady walking to work evryday passes by a pet shop. Out on the sidewalk sits a parrot on his perch. As she passes the parrot goes "HEY LADY." she looks at him and says "yes" the parrot replies "You're fucking ugly." The lady gets her panties in a knot and walks off in a huff.

The next da...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot for the family pet

The wife is given an option and since she doesn't have too much money goes for the cheapest one and wonders why it is cheap. The owner tells her it is because it is from a brothel.

When she arrives home the parrot says: "Another new brothel for sex"
Then when the daughter arrives the par...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to an animal shelter and sees a parrot without legs sitting on its stick.

"If you don't mind me asking," he asks the parrot, "how do you sit on that stick of yours without having feet to hold on to it?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing," the parrot replies, "but I wrap my tiny little parrot penis around it and that's how I don't fall off. Gotta make do with what you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady walks into a pet store...

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home an...

What do parrots call their special forces?

Parrotroopers

I’m giving away my legless parrot for free.

No perches necessary.

A man once bought a parrot

After bringing it home, he realizes that the parrot has the most vile, filthy vulgar vocabulary. The man, on the other hand, was educated and polite and this caused him great embarrassment.
After a few days, the man has had enough and tells the parrot "If you don't behave yourself, I'm going to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot

She sees a beautiful one but way cheaper than the others. She asks the owner about it.

“The thing is, that parrot used to be in brothel and because of that he developed a very dirty tongue. Because of its language I had to reduce its price.”

The woman decide to buy the parrot anyway b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to buy a pet parrot for the family.

She goes to the store, and sees they are priced at $175, $140 and $20.

When asked about the low priced one, the store owner says it's a second hand bird, and it used to live in a whore house. As such, it's choice of language is limited and can be deemed offensive.

As the woman looks at...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede?

A Walkie-talkie.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Parrot with No Legs

A man and his wife are in a pet store to purchase their first pet. Unfortunately, she has her eyes on a very expensive Blue Macaw that costs several thousand dollars. In a cage next to it is a smaller, rough looking parrot. The parrot looks at the man and whispers :

"Hey buddy, you should buy...

Parrots and Chickens

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One d...

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