In his spare time my dad races pigeons

I don’t know why, he never beats them.

Three old ladies are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.

The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.

But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake o...

What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon?

A pheasant.

Today a criminal pigeon was remanded to jail without bail

Apparently he was a flight risk

A canary and a pigeon were on the street when an angry man with a bag of pastries approaches where they were standing

The man was very angry and kept throwing his bread, cakes and the rest of it in random directions as he just couldn’t control his rage and felt the need to throw his stuff all over the place. As he neared the canary and the pigeon he pulled out some more pastries from his bag and threw them wildly a...

What does a pigeon with sunglasses on say?

Coo man coo

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

My brother was arrested for feeding pigeons at the zoo.

He was feeding them to the lions.

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Did you know pigeons die after having sex?

Well, at least the one I fucked did.

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What do you call a wood pigeon that kisses cocks?

A wood pecker

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Arguing with an anti-vaxxer is like playing chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good at chess you are, the pigeon will just knock over pieces, shit on the board, and then fly back to its flock to claim victory.

Pigeons are just like doves.

Except no one invites them to weddings.

What's the similarity between pigeons and politics?

Both have left and right wings.

What's the difference between divorced men and pigeons ?

The pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

What’s the difference between me and a pigeon?

The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche!

Pig says oink, cow says moo. What does hostile takeover pigeon say?

Coup.

Why can't pigeons have a military?

Because the risk of a coup is too high

Hear about the pigeon uprising?

They’re planning a coup

My Homing Pigeon is turning out to be very popular on Ebay

I've sold it 16 times already!

I asked my pet pigeon what he thought of my new shoes

he said it was coo

What is a pigeon’s favorite poem?

A hai-coo

I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay...

... again.

Becoming pigeons can be extremely time consuming...

It took a pig eons to become one.

I get concerned when a bunch of pigeons start gathering together

I worry they’re arranging a coo

With Net Neutrality gone I’m finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won’t be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.

Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.

I walked in front of my home and found a bunch of pigeons sitting around and I shoed then all off

I was afraid that they might be planing a coo

How do you spot a revolutionary pigeon?

They're the ones walking around shouting "Coup! Coup!"

There are so many pigeons in major US cities

I wonder if they are planning a coup.

My grandad used to race pigeons...

He could never keep up with them though.

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A town in the southwest is struggling with a pigeon problem...

The pigeons invaded the town and were pooping on everything. The mayor solicited companies to find someone who could help with the problem.

One day a man came and claimed he could rid the town of all the pigeons in one day. The mayor, skeptical, asked how he planned to accomplish this.
...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes.

Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.

After a while they came back out, giggling.

The wizard told them ...

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Two statues in a park.....

.....one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred bla...

Police arrested a pigeon today.

Seems he was planning a coo.

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Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

You can not lose a homing pigeon

If your homing pigeon does not come back, then what you have lost is a pigeon

Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

You could say I killed two birds with one drone!

What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip?

Coo.

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The statue lovers

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to ...

What sound does a Venezuelan pigeon makes?

Coup Coup Coup

Why are there no pigeons in North Korea?

They were heard saying "Coup....Coup".

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

A small city is over run with pigeons.

The mayor has exhausted all the city's resources but nothing seems to be working on the pigeons.

A lone man walks into the office and tells the mayor he can get ride of all the pigeons free of charge. His only stipulation is that the mayor cannot ask him any questions. If anyone ask the man e...

Pigeons...

I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms.

I think it might be a military coo.

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Feeding pigeons

Two guys are feeding pigeons in the park.

'These pigeons are just like politicians,' says one.
'Really? How so?,' replies the other, dutifully.
'As long as they're at our level, they'll eat out of our hands. But as soon as they get to the top, they just shit on us.'

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Park Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minut...

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The Blue Pigeon.

There once was a medium sized city on the countryside. The villagers were happy, economy was thriving, education in top form, and few complaints could be made.

One day a pigeon arrived. The next day another. And the next day the pigeon population doubled again. This happened until the villag...

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After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him....

After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him.

After take off, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, but the pigeon yelled over him "Get me a whiskey, now!"

A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, bu...

I wrote a joke about pigeons.

Stoned pigeon poetry: High Coo

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So there's a huge pigeon problem in Arizona...

There are pigeons and pigeon shit all over cars roads, sidewalks, everywhere. A citizen has a meeting with the state guy in charge of fixing the problem, and says "hey man, I can fix this easily, and I'll do it for free. The only thing I ask is that nobody asks me any questions, or I get a million d...

An anatomical original

Thought you'd like a pun.

What sound does a pigeon make

when kicked in the nuts?

[A high coo](/spoiler)

What do you call a dead pigeon?

A pige-out

...made it myself...

Did you hear about the Pigeon rebellion?

Yeah, it was a "coo" d'etat.

An Elderly Couple . . .

From comedian Kip Addotta:

"An elderly couple is walking along when a pigeon flies over and drops one right on the old lady’s head.

She says oh my god, get me some toilet paper. He says, what the hell for, he’s a half mile away by now!”

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So there are these two statues in a plaza

and they've been placed in such a way that they stare deep into each other's eyes. They are stuck like this, never able to touch or talk.
One day, God grants them an hour of life out of pity. They immediately run into each other's arms and embrace the joy of the situation.
They spot ...

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A man and woman statue magically cone to life...

In the park there is a statue of a man and woman, both nude. One day they are granted the ability to come to life, but for only 15 minutes.

They both look at each other and smile then run behind the bushes.

Almost immediately there is giggling and the bush is shaking like crazy.
...

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A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night.

Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and wom...

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How to make a messed up joke even more messed up by changing the tone of a single word:

Version 1:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died after I fucked it.

Version 2:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died AFTER I fucked it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found this on AskReddit

A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster to mate with his hens. Another farmer sold him one and warned him how horny the rooster was.

The farmer took the rooster home and as soon as he put it into the pen, it has sex with every chicken. 10 minutes later it then had sex with every chicken ...

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Three guys stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it. A genie comes out and grants them each three wishes.
For their first wish, Guy 1 wishes for a hot wife. Guy 2, looking to one-up Guy 1, wishes to be irresistible to all women.
Guy 3 wishes for his left arm to constantly rotate clockwise.

For their second wish, Guy 1 wishes ...

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

They say stealth planes make your radar signature smaller, so you show up to the radar just like a small bird

"Sir, we think we've spotted a pigeon on the radar screen."

"Well what's unusual about that?"

"Well the pigeon is flying at about mach 2."

Little Johnny is learning math in Mrs. Smith’s 4 grade class...

Mrs Smith asks little Johnny,

“If there are 5 pigeons on a fence and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?”

“None, as the rest would fly away!”

“No little Johnny, there would be 4, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny then got peeved so he asked Mrs. Smith,
<...

I like the way you think...

The teacher asks her class "if there are 5 pigeons on the wall and we shoot one, how many pigeons are left?"

Little Johnny jumps up and shouts "NO PIGEONS LEFT BECAUSE THE GUNSHOT SOUND WOULD SCARE THEM AWAY"

The teacher replies "good answer however, there would be 4 pigeons left on ...

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

Irish Airways

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your capt'n S Murphy O'Sullivan welcoming you to Irish Airlines! We apologise for the 4 day delay in takin' off, sadly this was unavoidable due to to the bad weather and happy hour at Ó Ceallaighs' bar.

This is flight 367 to Shannon Airport, Landi...

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Two statues brought to life

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire....

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Two statues, a man and woman, had stood watch in a park for along time.

One day, an angel came down and told the statues, "You two have stood watch in this park for so long and have been such exemplary statues, as a reward, I will snap my fingers, and you two will come to life for 30 minutes." The angel snapped his fingers, and the two statues blinked to life.

"...

Don't try using analogies to argue with others.

It's like trying to teach a pigeon chess.

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