UPJOKE
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My brother was arrested for feeding pigeons at the zoo.

He was feeding them to the lions.

You can’t lose a homing pigeon.

If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

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NSFW apparently pigeons die after sex

I didn't believe it myself, I tried and indeed they die

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

Did you hear about the pigeons at the Kremlin?

They keep saying "coup.... coup".

Two friends having gotten tired of using instant communication, decided to use old fashioned means of messaging each other, such as pigeons.

For a few days, it is great. Then one day, a pigeon shows up at one friends house with a blank piece of paper.

Angry, the receiver phones his friend to ask what was the meaning of the message.

To which his friend calmly replies, "Oh, that was a missed call."

Why don’t pigeons echo?

A coo sticks.

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

Why was the pigeon arrested in Washington?

For its involvement in an attempted coo

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

What do you call a flatulent pigeon?

A tootledove.

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

Ive got the world's best homing pigeon

How do I know he's the best? I've sold him 87 times this week.

I don't trust pigeons....

They're always planning some kind of coo...

I tried pigeon shooting.

But I had a hard time loading them into my gun.

There where a couple of pigeons sitting on my fence earlier, so I shouted at them and they both fell off and died.

I didn't know you could kill two birds with one's tone.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ...

... for the 23rd time.

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There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

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Two statues

There are two statues in the park, 9 feet (3 meters) apart. A handsome young man and a beautiful young woman, staring into each other’s eyes in love, but helpless to move to fulfill their shared desire.

One day a benevolent wizard is walking through the park and sees them. Filled with pit...

Today at the park / Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

The sound from an orchestra on stage is designed to bounce around the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a Pigeon on stage does not do this...

The reason is a Coo sticks....


sorry, ill see my way out...

I was at the park with my sister

And I said to some pigeons, “Sorry, I have no bread for you”

My sister said to me after saying that “the pigeons can’t talk”

So I went back to the pigeons and said “sorry you can’t talk”

The end

What did the bag of chips say to the angry pigeons?

I don't want to ruffle any feathers

What do you tell an anime character that's turned into a pigeon?

Go Coo

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

What's the difference between divorced men and pigeons ?

The pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

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A pigeon, a snake, and a bear are debating

"See that family over there," the pigeon says, looking at a happy family at a park, "I can go over to their picnic and get the humans to give food."

The snake and bear give a laugh. "We can all get food," they say. "No," the pigeon dictates, "I can get them to give me food in a more creative ...

There was a woman in the supermarket holding a huge multicoloured flag and making loud pigeon sounds.

I told her to mind her peace and coos.

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Today I saw a glass billboard advertising air conditioners that looked brand new. Than a flock of pigeons landed on it.

From there, it was a clear sign that shit was about to hit the fan.

Experiment 1 :

take a white male pigeon, tell it to fly, it flies away

Experiment 2 :

take a white male pigeon, remove its beak, tell it to fly, it flies away

Experiment 3 :

take a white male pigeon, remove its wings, tell it to fly, it doesn...

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

What does a pigeon with sunglasses on say?

Coo man coo

Why did the military arrest all the pigeons?

They were starting a coo.

I heard there were some mute pigeons that unsuccessfully tried to overthrow the government.

It was a failed coo

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few ...

What did the pigeon do when he saw a pool of water?

He dove into it.

A pigeon flies out of a coffeeshop and hits a seagull

Two birds, one stoned

Why can’t you hear a pigeon throughout a whole auditorium?

Because a coo sticks

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon?

A pheasant.

Today a criminal pigeon was remanded to jail without bail

Apparently he was a flight risk

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

Pigeons are just like doves.

Except no one invites them to weddings.

What do France and a pigeon have in common?

Every 5 minutes, there is a coo (coup)

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

Indian army have arrested a pigeon - on suspicion of being a Pakistani spy

Apparently he was trying to stage a coo

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With Net Neutrality gone I’m finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won’t be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

I just wanted to share some exciting news! Today I was the unexpected high bidder in an auction for the worlds best sounding pigeon...

It is quite a coup!

Did you know? If a singer sings on stage their voice will echo but if a pigeon coos it doesn't

Because acoustics

Musicians play in an auditorium and their sound bounces around. A pigeon makes a sound and it doesn't bounce around. Why not?

A coo sticks

(Stolen from a FB post and I'm sure has been here 50 times but whatevs I liked it :))

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Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

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What do you call a wood pigeon that kisses cocks?

A wood pecker

Three old ladies are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.

The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

What's the difference between a pigeon and a Texas oilman?

The pigeon can still put a deposit on a new Mercedes.

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A town in the southwest is struggling with a pigeon problem...

The pigeons invaded the town and were pooping on everything. The mayor solicited companies to find someone who could help with the problem.

One day a man came and claimed he could rid the town of all the pigeons in one day. The mayor, skeptical, asked how he planned to accomplish this.
...

I asked my pet pigeon what he thought of my new shoes

he said it was coo

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I've started a team called "The Pigeons"

We shit on the competition.

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Arguing with a social conservative is like trying to play chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to shit on the board, knock down the pieces and strut around like it's victorious.

I walked in front of my home and found a bunch of pigeons sitting around and I shoed then all off

I was afraid that they might be planing a coo

I get concerned when a bunch of pigeons start gathering together

I worry they’re arranging a coo

Becoming pigeons can be extremely time consuming...

It took a pig eons to become one.

In his spare time my dad races pigeons

I don’t know why, he never beats them.

Why can't pigeons have a military?

Because the risk of a coup is too high

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Feeding pigeons

Two guys are feeding pigeons in the park.

'These pigeons are just like politicians,' says one.
'Really? How so?,' replies the other, dutifully.
'As long as they're at our level, they'll eat out of our hands. But as soon as they get to the top, they just shit on us.'

There are so many pigeons in major US cities

I wonder if they are planning a coup.

What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip?

Coo.

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

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Two statues were in a park

Two statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such great statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can...

A canary and a pigeon were on the street when an angry man with a bag of pastries approaches where they were standing

The man was very angry and kept throwing his bread, cakes and the rest of it in random directions as he just couldn’t control his rage and felt the need to throw his stuff all over the place. As he neared the canary and the pigeon he pulled out some more pastries from his bag and threw them wildly a...

How do you spot a revolutionary pigeon?

They're the ones walking around shouting "Coup! Coup!"

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everything alright? Did that man hurt you?", Dave asked.

"No no, everything is alright.", she says as she wipes her tears. "How can i help you?"

"...

Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

You could say I killed two birds with one drone!

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The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads..

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidew alks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the May...

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The Blue Pigeon.

There once was a medium sized city on the countryside. The villagers were happy, economy was thriving, education in top form, and few complaints could be made.

One day a pigeon arrived. The next day another. And the next day the pigeon population doubled again. This happened until the villag...

What do you call a dead pigeon?

A pige-out

...made it myself...

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So there's a huge pigeon problem in Arizona...

There are pigeons and pigeon shit all over cars roads, sidewalks, everywhere. A citizen has a meeting with the state guy in charge of fixing the problem, and says "hey man, I can fix this easily, and I'll do it for free. The only thing I ask is that nobody asks me any questions, or I get a million d...

What sound does a Venezuelan pigeon makes?

Coup Coup Coup

Pigeons...

I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms.

I think it might be a military coo.

I wrote a joke about pigeons.

Stoned pigeon poetry: High Coo

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After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him....

After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him.

After take off, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, but the pigeon yelled over him "Get me a whiskey, now!"

A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, bu...

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