My brother was arrested for feeding pigeons at the zoo.

He was feeding them to the lions.

You can’t lose a homing pigeon.

If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

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Did you know pigeons die after sex?

They sure do after I fuck em, anyway.

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A pigeon, a snake, and a bear are debating

"See that family over there," the pigeon says, looking at a happy family at a park, "I can go over to their picnic and get the humans to give food."

The snake and bear give a laugh. "We can all get food," they say. "No," the pigeon dictates, "I can get them to give me food in a more creative ...

Today at the park / Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ...

... for the 23rd time.

The sound from an orchestra on stage is designed to bounce around the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a Pigeon on stage does not do this...

The reason is a Coo sticks....


sorry, ill see my way out...

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Today I saw a glass billboard advertising air conditioners that looked brand new. Than a flock of pigeons landed on it.

From there, it was a clear sign that shit was about to hit the fan.

There was a woman in the supermarket holding a huge multicoloured flag and making loud pigeon sounds.

I told her to mind her peace and coos.

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

What did the bag of chips say to the angry pigeons?

I don't want to ruffle any feathers

What do you tell an anime character that's turned into a pigeon?

Go Coo

Ive got the world's best homing pigeon

How do I know he's the best? I've sold him 87 times this week.

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and...

The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.

Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.

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Did you know pigeons die after sex?

Well, at least all the ones I've fucked have.

What do you call a militia of pigeons?

A coo.

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Two statues were in a park

Two statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such great statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can...

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

A pigeon flies out of a coffeeshop and hits a seagull

Two birds, one stoned

What did the pigeon do when he saw a pool of water?

He dove into it.

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

Why did the military arrest all the pigeons?

They were starting a coo.

What sound does an anarchist Pigeon make?

Coup. Coup.

Why can’t you hear a pigeon throughout a whole auditorium?

Because a coo sticks

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon?

A pheasant.

What does a pigeon with sunglasses on say?

Coo man coo

Today a criminal pigeon was remanded to jail without bail

Apparently he was a flight risk

Pigeons are just like doves.

Except no one invites them to weddings.

Indian army have arrested a pigeon - on suspicion of being a Pakistani spy

Apparently he was trying to stage a coo

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A man walks into a pet shop

He asks the employee: "Show me a pet like nobody else has!". The employee thinks for am moment and goes: "Well, I do have this parrot." "Forget it,", says the man, "anyone can have parrot." "But not this one, this one is special!". The man takes a look at the parrot, sitting in his cage and the parr...

I think the pigeons are planning an uprising.

They keep saying coup, coup, coup.

What do you call a pigeon that always steals your food ?

A burden.

What's the difference between divorced men and pigeons ?

The pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's

What's the difference between a pigeon and a Texas oilman?

The pigeon can still put a deposit on a new Mercedes.

What do France and a pigeon have in common?

Every 5 minutes, there is a coo (coup)

I just wanted to share some exciting news! Today I was the unexpected high bidder in an auction for the worlds best sounding pigeon...

It is quite a coup!

Did you know? If a singer sings on stage their voice will echo but if a pigeon coos it doesn't

Because acoustics

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

Musicians play in an auditorium and their sound bounces around. A pigeon makes a sound and it doesn't bounce around. Why not?

A coo sticks

(Stolen from a FB post and I'm sure has been here 50 times but whatevs I liked it :))

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The woodland statues and the Fairy

Two statues have stood facing each other for over a 1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.

As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they...

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I've started a team called "The Pigeons"

We shit on the competition.

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With Net Neutrality gone I’m finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won’t be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

What's the difference between a pigeon and a syrian toddler?

That the pigeon flies complete, and the toddler in parts.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...

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What do you call a wood pigeon that kisses cocks?

A wood pecker

Becoming pigeons can be extremely time consuming...

It took a pig eons to become one.

Why can't pigeons have a military?

Because the risk of a coup is too high

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Two marble statues of a man an a woman facing each other stand in an old park for centuries.

God looks at them from the above. He feels sorry for them – they're looking at each other all those centuries and yet couldn't do anything more since they're made from marble – so one night, when nobody's around to see, he turns them into living couple and says:

"Okay. I made you alive and I'...

Three old ladies are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.

The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

I walked in front of my home and found a bunch of pigeons sitting around and I shoed then all off

I was afraid that they might be planing a coo

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Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

In his spare time my dad races pigeons

I don’t know why, he never beats them.

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Arguing with a social conservative is like trying to play chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to shit on the board, knock down the pieces and strut around like it's victorious.

I get concerned when a bunch of pigeons start gathering together

I worry they’re arranging a coo

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Feeding pigeons

Two guys are feeding pigeons in the park.

'These pigeons are just like politicians,' says one.
'Really? How so?,' replies the other, dutifully.
'As long as they're at our level, they'll eat out of our hands. But as soon as they get to the top, they just shit on us.'

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The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix .

He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads..

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidew alks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the May...

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A town in the southwest is struggling with a pigeon problem...

The pigeons invaded the town and were pooping on everything. The mayor solicited companies to find someone who could help with the problem.

One day a man came and claimed he could rid the town of all the pigeons in one day. The mayor, skeptical, asked how he planned to accomplish this.
...

I asked my pet pigeon what he thought of my new shoes

he said it was coo

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

You could say I killed two birds with one drone!

What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip?

Coo.

How do you spot a revolutionary pigeon?

They're the ones walking around shouting "Coup! Coup!"

A bird walks into a bar, takes a seat, and is promptly shot by the bartender.

It was a stool pigeon.

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Two statues get visited by statue genie

And they get a wish. First one says they want to be alive. And poof! alive they are. Next one thinks about it long and hard and then tells it to genie. Genie nods, statues give each other a wink and they disappear behind some bushes. Couple of moments later there is some grunting heard and it goes o...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

A turtle is standing on tree branch and looks around

Then she jumps. But no matter how much she waves her limbs she of course falls down. Undeterred she climbs up again, climbs on tree branch and jumps again. And of course crashes to the ground again. Yet again she climbs up, ready to jump again. Two pigeons are looking at her and one turns to other "...

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The Blue Pigeon.

There once was a medium sized city on the countryside. The villagers were happy, economy was thriving, education in top form, and few complaints could be made.

One day a pigeon arrived. The next day another. And the next day the pigeon population doubled again. This happened until the villag...

I wrote a joke about pigeons.

Stoned pigeon poetry: High Coo

Pigeons...

I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms.

I think it might be a military coo.

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite bird?

Pigeon, they’re always saying coup coup coup.

What do you call a dead pigeon?

A pige-out

...made it myself...

A small city is over run with pigeons.

The mayor has exhausted all the city's resources but nothing seems to be working on the pigeons.

A lone man walks into the office and tells the mayor he can get ride of all the pigeons free of charge. His only stipulation is that the mayor cannot ask him any questions. If anyone ask the man e...

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So there's a huge pigeon problem in Arizona...

There are pigeons and pigeon shit all over cars roads, sidewalks, everywhere. A citizen has a meeting with the state guy in charge of fixing the problem, and says "hey man, I can fix this easily, and I'll do it for free. The only thing I ask is that nobody asks me any questions, or I get a million d...

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After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him....

After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him.

After take off, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, but the pigeon yelled over him "Get me a whiskey, now!"

A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, bu...

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