Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and...

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Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex?

I’m thinking that I need something a bit bigger.
a parrot perhaps?

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[nsfw] after sex, a pigeon will curl up in a ball for 2 days sleeping.

Or at least the one I fucked did

In his spare time my dad races pigeons

I don’t know why, he never beats them.

A canary and a pigeon were on the street when an angry man with a bag of pastries approaches where they were standing

The man was very angry and kept throwing his bread, cakes and the rest of it in random directions as he just couldn’t control his rage and felt the need to throw his stuff all over the place. As he neared the canary and the pigeon he pulled out some more pastries from his bag and threw them wildly a...

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Arguing with an anti-vaxxer is like playing chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good at chess you are, the pigeon will just knock over pieces, shit on the board, and then fly back to its flock to claim victory.

What is a pigeon’s favorite poem?

A hai-coo

Hear about the pigeon uprising?

They’re planning a coup

Just sold my homing pigeon

for the 12th time in a row

You can’t lose a homing pigeon

If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon

Becoming pigeons can be extremely time consuming...

It took a pig eons to become one.

I asked my pet pigeon what he thought of my new shoes

he said it was coo

What's the similarity between pigeons and politics?

Both have left and right wings.

Why can't pigeons have a military?

Because the risk of a coup is too high

There are so many pigeons in major US cities

I wonder if they are planning a coup.

Police arrested a pigeon today.

Seems he was planning a coo.

How do you spot a revolutionary pigeon?

They're the ones walking around shouting "Coup! Coup!"

With Net Neutrality gone I’m finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won’t be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

I walked in front of my home and found a bunch of pigeons sitting around and I shoed then all off

I was afraid that they might be planing a coo

Pigeons are just like doves.

Except no one invites them to weddings.

My Homing Pigeon is turning out to be very popular on Ebay

I've sold it 16 times already!

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Two statues in a park.....

.....one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred bla...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes.

Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there.

After a while they came back out, giggling.

The wizard told them ...

My grandad used to race pigeons...

He could never keep up with them though.

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Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

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A town in the southwest is struggling with a pigeon problem...

The pigeons invaded the town and were pooping on everything. The mayor solicited companies to find someone who could help with the problem.

One day a man came and claimed he could rid the town of all the pigeons in one day. The mayor, skeptical, asked how he planned to accomplish this.
...

What’s the difference between me and a pigeon?

The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche!

I get concerned when a bunch of pigeons start gathering together

I worry they’re arranging a coo

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**[NSFW]** **[Long]** The Mayor of New York offered 2M dollars to anyone who could get rid of their pigeon infestation

...An old man wearing a trench coat came up to the Mayor and asked if he could get half the money now and the other half when he was done. The Mayor refused. Stating that he would only pay him once all the pigeons were gone. So, the old man said very well. Reaching into his coat he removed a small b...

The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.

Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.

Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device.

You could say I killed two birds with one drone!

What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip?

Coo.

Why are there no pigeons in North Korea?

They were heard saying "Coup....Coup".

What sound does a Venezuelan pigeon makes?

Coup Coup Coup

A small city is over run with pigeons.

The mayor has exhausted all the city's resources but nothing seems to be working on the pigeons.

A lone man walks into the office and tells the mayor he can get ride of all the pigeons free of charge. His only stipulation is that the mayor cannot ask him any questions. If anyone ask the man e...

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Park Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minut...

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The statue lovers

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to ...

Pigeons...

I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms.

I think it might be a military coo.

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After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him....

After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him.

After take off, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, but the pigeon yelled over him "Get me a whiskey, now!"

A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, bu...

An anatomical original

Thought you'd like a pun.

What sound does a pigeon make

when kicked in the nuts?

[A high coo](/spoiler)

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The Blue Pigeon.

There once was a medium sized city on the countryside. The villagers were happy, economy was thriving, education in top form, and few complaints could be made.

One day a pigeon arrived. The next day another. And the next day the pigeon population doubled again. This happened until the villag...

I wrote a joke about pigeons.

Stoned pigeon poetry: High Coo

What do you call a dead pigeon?

A pige-out

...made it myself...

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Three guys stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it. A genie comes out and grants them each three wishes.
For their first wish, Guy 1 wishes for a hot wife. Guy 2, looking to one-up Guy 1, wishes to be irresistible to all women.
Guy 3 wishes for his left arm to constantly rotate clockwise.

For their second wish, Guy 1 wishes ...

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The Blue Pigeon

So... In Arizona they are having a huge problem with pigeons. Pigeons everywhere. In the sky, on the sidewalks, breaking skyscraper windows, shitting everywhere... generally causing a major issue. It got to the point that the Governor called a State of Emergency to combat the problem.
One day th...

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So there's a huge pigeon problem in Arizona...

There are pigeons and pigeon shit all over cars roads, sidewalks, everywhere. A citizen has a meeting with the state guy in charge of fixing the problem, and says "hey man, I can fix this easily, and I'll do it for free. The only thing I ask is that nobody asks me any questions, or I get a million d...

Did you hear about the Pigeon rebellion?

Yeah, it was a "coo" d'etat.

Little Johnny is learning math in Mrs. Smith’s 4 grade class...

Mrs Smith asks little Johnny,

“If there are 5 pigeons on a fence and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?”

“None, as the rest would fly away!”

“No little Johnny, there would be 4, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny then got peeved so he asked Mrs. Smith,
<...

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Feeding pigeons

Two guys are feeding pigeons in the park.

'These pigeons are just like politicians,' says one.
'Really? How so?,' replies the other, dutifully.
'As long as they're at our level, they'll eat out of our hands. But as soon as they get to the top, they just shit on us.'

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An old Russian Communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.

The Communist then ...

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

Don't try using analogies to argue with others.

It's like trying to teach a pigeon chess.

Irish Airways

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your capt'n S Murphy O'Sullivan welcoming you to Irish Airlines! We apologise for the 4 day delay in takin' off, sadly this was unavoidable due to to the bad weather and happy hour at Ó Ceallaighs' bar.

This is flight 367 to Shannon Airport, Landi...

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Man driving a truck

Transporting laptops arrives to Alabama, and decides to take a break. He wonders into a bar and orders a beer.

Then a young man with white buttoned up shirt, pencils and calculator on the pocket who's wearing glasses enters the bar.

The bartender shouts "A nerd!" and shoots him. The ma...

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Two statues brought to life

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire....

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Two statues, a man and woman, had stood watch in a park for along time.

One day, an angel came down and told the statues, "You two have stood watch in this park for so long and have been such exemplary statues, as a reward, I will snap my fingers, and you two will come to life for 30 minutes." The angel snapped his fingers, and the two statues blinked to life.

"...

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There were two nude statues...

There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.

The...

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There are these two beautiful..

There are these two beautiful marble statues on either side of a big open piazza. For centuries they have stood frozen, starring longingly into each other's eyes.

One day the gods look down upon them with pity and decide to grant them one hour of mortal life. The statues, overwhelmed with jo...

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

I just summarized the jokes I liked best in a recent Askreddit thread. Have fun!

I hope that's fitting in the Subreddit. If not, leave a downvote please.

-Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.

-I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings - its a complex complex complex.

-I have an L shaped couch... Lower case.

-I asked my North Korean f...

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A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day. . .

A wizard is walking through a cemetery one day, and after paying his respects to an old friend he walks past two grave markers that each had a statue of the person buried in the grave. Both statues looked across a wide space toward each other with sadness and longing. The wizard read the epitaphs to...

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Two guys and a girl walk into a hotel.

The manager of the hotel welcomes them in and congratulates them for being the 9,99,998th, 9,99,999th and 10,00,000th customers respectively. He says they have won a special prize for having completed one million customers.

He leads them to an empty swimming pool and says "This is a special ...

What's black and grey and rolls around in the parking lot of a McDonald's?

Mr. T and a pigeon fighting over a french fry.

I know it's old but it always made me laugh.

Spam in the Middle Ages

A prince is awaiting a letter from his loved one for three days and three nights. On the fourth day, a pigeon flies in and drops a letter on his lap. When he opens it he reads:

"Get your sword forged for cheap"

I don't get all these themed weddings you see now a days

My wife and I have just been invited to a Game of thrones themed wedding. Where the hell do I find 'formal chain mail'? And do you know how expensive it is staying in a castle!
My friend keeps telling me how much fun it's going to be. Think about what it's going to be like when everyone is dres...

21 One-Liners

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.



4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I ...

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Another one from my college professor...

In a small park, there is a fountain with two nude statues. A man and woman

One day, an angel comes down and says to the statues:

"For your many years of long-standing beauty and service to society, I will bring you to life for 30 minutes."

The statues hear this and spring to li...

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There were two statues...

...him and her, on a pedestal for hundreds of years. One day God noticed them and sent St. Peter to bring them to life, giving them an hour of life as a reward for enduring the weather for that long.
So St. Peter revives them and tells them the deal "for enduring hot sun, blizzards, hail e...

A man is on the the phone with a bartender.

He says to the bartender "Is there a young, blonde lady there?"

The bartender responds "There are dozens, sir. Be more specific."

"She's wearing a plaid crop top, ripped short jean shorts, boots, pigtails and a cowboy hat."

The bartender replies "yeah, she's here, what of it?"<...

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Three men and a Wizard are on a plane.

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail.

The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it.

The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE...

Maths class and the teacher asks the class a question

'Children, how many pigeons will we have when there are three of them sitting on a branch and we shoot one?'

Little Johnny raises his hand eagerly.

'None, of course.'

'What do you mean, none?' asks Miss Carpenter, the teacher.

'Because if we shoot one, the rest will get s...

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20 Minutes

Two statues, a man and a woman, are sitting in a park where they have been for years. One day, an angel comes down from the heavens and gives life to these two statues.

Angel: "Ok you two, because of the limits of my power I can only grant you 20 minutes of life. What you do is up to you, s...

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Two statues

Two statues, a boy and a girl, had been on display in the city park for over 50 years. Then came a day when an angel descended from the heavens and began talking to the statues, saying that they had brought happiness to the residents for many years and that the angel would grant them the greatest g...

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Two statues are in a garden...

Two statues have been standing for hundreds of years facing each other in a garden. One day, a wizard casts a spell on them allowing them to be real humans for just one hour.

As soon as they come to life, one of the statues signals to the nearby forest and says, "So...you wanna--?" The other ...

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The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

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In Russia, there's a lot of great one liners about how severe people of the town "Chelyabinsk" are.

Due to the town's location and social-economic conditions, citizens of this town became sort of a legend for their toughness, hence these nice one-liners were made:


- **The men of Chelyabinsk are so severe**, that instead of a birdhouse they nail a doghouse to their tree.

- **The ...

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Two Statues in a Park

They are lovely, Romanesque statues, and mostly nude. One male, with a spear and shield, and one female, scantily draped in a robe, holding a jug of water. They face each other day in and day out. They are everything to one another.

One day, the Statue Fairy comes to visit them (fairies ar...

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One question

The Mayor of London, England was very much worried about a plague of pigeons in the city centre. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the stre...