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Pigeon Jokes

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Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

What’s the difference between me and a pigeon?

The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche!

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

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TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

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Why did the Pigeon fly across the road?

To shit on the other side.

I tried pigeon shooting.

But I had a hard time loading them into my gun.

Ive got the world's best homing pigeon

How do I know he's the best? I've sold him 87 times this week.

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

A pigeon was not feeling so well…

So, he decided to pay a visit to the local doctor.

“So, tell me what’s the problem?”

“Doctor, few days back, I flyed to the Bahamas…”, he started.

“It’s flew”, said the doctor.

“Wow man, you are one hell of a doctor. I didn’t even tell you the whole thing,” the pigeon exc...

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Pigeon problem

Visited a friend on the eighth floor of her old government office building in Washington. There were hundreds of pigeons sitting on the ledge along the building outside the windows, making noise and pooping, two inches deep in some places. They were really annoying. I asked her if they'd tried getti...

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There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

Why was the pigeon arrested in Washington?

For its involvement in an attempted coo

Today at the park / Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

Today a criminal pigeon was remanded to jail without bail

Apparently he was a flight risk

you can never lose a homing pigeon...

... if it didnt come back it was never a homing pigeon

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ...

... for the 23rd time.

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A town in the southwest is struggling with a pigeon problem...

The pigeons invaded the town and were pooping on everything. The mayor solicited companies to find someone who could help with the problem.

One day a man came and claimed he could rid the town of all the pigeons in one day. The mayor, skeptical, asked how he planned to accomplish this.
...

What do you call a flatulent pigeon?

A tootledove.

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A pigeon, a snake, and a bear are debating

"See that family over there," the pigeon says, looking at a happy family at a park, "I can go over to their picnic and get the humans to give food."

The snake and bear give a laugh. "We can all get food," they say. "No," the pigeon dictates, "I can get them to give me food in a more creative ...

The sound from an orchestra on stage is designed to bounce around the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a Pigeon on stage does not do this...

The reason is a Coo sticks....


sorry, ill see my way out...

What do you tell an anime character that's turned into a pigeon?

Go Coo

What does a pigeon with sunglasses on say?

Coo man coo

There was a woman in the supermarket holding a huge multicoloured flag and making loud pigeon sounds.

I told her to mind her peace and coos.

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

What did the rich pigeon call the poor pigeon?

A pheasant.

The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.

Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

What sound does an anarchist Pigeon make?

Coup. Coup.

Indian army have arrested a pigeon - on suspicion of being a Pakistani spy

Apparently he was trying to stage a coo

Why can’t you hear a pigeon throughout a whole auditorium?

Because a coo sticks

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Pigeon Droppings

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."

What do you contract from kissing pigeons?

Coo-ties

What sound do Russian pigeons make?

Coo...

Coo...

Did you know? If a singer sings on stage their voice will echo but if a pigeon coos it doesn't

Because acoustics

Musicians play in an auditorium and their sound bounces around. A pigeon makes a sound and it doesn't bounce around. Why not?

A coo sticks

(Stolen from a FB post and I'm sure has been here 50 times but whatevs I liked it :))

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NSFW apparently pigeons die after sex

I didn't believe it myself, I tried and indeed they die

Why don’t pigeons echo?

A coo sticks.

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

I just wanted to share some exciting news! Today I was the unexpected high bidder in an auction for the worlds best sounding pigeon...

It is quite a coup!

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What do you call a wood pigeon that kisses cocks?

A wood pecker

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Arguing with a social conservative is like trying to play chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to shit on the board, knock down the pieces and strut around like it's victorious.

A canary and a pigeon were on the street when an angry man with a bag of pastries approaches where they were standing

The man was very angry and kept throwing his bread, cakes and the rest of it in random directions as he just couldn’t control his rage and felt the need to throw his stuff all over the place. As he neared the canary and the pigeon he pulled out some more pastries from his bag and threw them wildly a...

Did you hear about the pigeons that overthrew the government?

They formed a "coo".

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Feeding pigeons

Two guys are feeding pigeons in the park.

'These pigeons are just like politicians,' says one.
'Really? How so?,' replies the other, dutifully.
'As long as they're at our level, they'll eat out of our hands. But as soon as they get to the top, they just shit on us.'

Pigeons are just like doves.

Except no one invites them to weddings.

What do France and a pigeon have in common?

Every 5 minutes, there is a coo (coup)

What's the difference between a pigeon and a Texas oilman?

The pigeon can still put a deposit on a new Mercedes.

I asked my pet pigeon what he thought of my new shoes

he said it was coo

What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip?

Coo.

What is a pigeon’s favorite poem?

A hai-coo

Pigeons must be very interested in chemistry...

I've only heard them talk about esters!

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few ...

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Two marble statues of a man an a woman facing each other stand in an old park for centuries.

God looks at them from the above. He feels sorry for them – they're looking at each other all those centuries and yet couldn't do anything more since they're made from marble – so one night, when nobody's around to see, he turns them into living couple and says:

"Okay. I made you alive and I'...

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The Blue Pigeon.

There once was a medium sized city on the countryside. The villagers were happy, economy was thriving, education in top form, and few complaints could be made.

One day a pigeon arrived. The next day another. And the next day the pigeon population doubled again. This happened until the villag...

How do you spot a revolutionary pigeon?

They're the ones walking around shouting "Coup! Coup!"

A teacher asks in class:

"If three pigeons are sitting on a tree, and i shoot down one, how many pigeons will be left?"
A student raises their hand and says: "None."
Confused, the teacher asks why, to which the student responds: "Well, if you shoot down one, the others will get scared by the gunshot and fly away."...

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A blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in the backyard.

A pigeon flew over them and dropped one right on his head.

He shouted, “Shit! Hurry up! Get some toilet paper!”

“What for?” she asked.

“The bird must be a mile away by now.”

What do you call a dead pigeon?

A pige-out

...made it myself...

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So there's a huge pigeon problem in Arizona...

There are pigeons and pigeon shit all over cars roads, sidewalks, everywhere. A citizen has a meeting with the state guy in charge of fixing the problem, and says "hey man, I can fix this easily, and I'll do it for free. The only thing I ask is that nobody asks me any questions, or I get a million d...

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After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him....

After taking his seat on a plane, a young man was startled to see a pigeon strapped in next to him.

After take off, he asked the flight attendant for a cup of coffee, but the pigeon yelled over him "Get me a whiskey, now!"

A few moments later the attendant returned with the whiskey, bu...

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20 Minutes

Two statues, a man and a woman, are sitting in a park where they have been for years. One day, an angel comes down from the heavens and gives life to these two statues.

Angel: "Ok you two, because of the limits of my power I can only grant you 20 minutes of life. What you do is up to you, s...

I don't trust pigeons....

They're always planning some kind of coo...

Did you hear about the pigeons at the Kremlin?

They keep saying "coup.... coup".

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.

What did the bag of chips say to the angry pigeons?

I don't want to ruffle any feathers

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With Net Neutrality gone I’m finally ready to start my new business- Carrier Pigeons

You may laugh now, but you won’t be when my pigeons deliver nudes faster than your service provider

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Another parrot joke.

A society woman receives a parrot as a gift. She quickly teaches the parrot to announce the various guests who arrive at her many parties. As Mr. and Mrs. Smith arrive, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Smith." As Mr. and Mrs. Jones arrived, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and M...

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I've started a team called "The Pigeons"

We shit on the competition.

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Two statues brought to life

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire....

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

21 One-Liners

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.



4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. I ...

Pigeons...

I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms.

I think it might be a military coo.

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Two statues, a man and woman, had stood watch in a park for along time.

One day, an angel came down and told the statues, "You two have stood watch in this park for so long and have been such exemplary statues, as a reward, I will snap my fingers, and you two will come to life for 30 minutes." The angel snapped his fingers, and the two statues blinked to life.

"...

Two statues, one female and the other male, had faced each other in a city park for decades. One day an angel appeared and said...

... “you’ve been such fantastic statues for such a long time, that I have a special gift for you. I am going to bring you to life for 30 minutes and you can do whatever you wish”. With a clap of his hands the statues came alive.

They climbed down from their pedestals and shyly approached ea...

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Two statues

There are two statues in the park, 9 feet (3 meters) apart. A handsome young man and a beautiful young woman, staring into each other’s eyes in love, but helpless to move to fulfill their shared desire.

One day a benevolent wizard is walking through the park and sees them. Filled with pit...

Why can't pigeons have a military?

Because the risk of a coup is too high

Two friends having gotten tired of using instant communication, decided to use old fashioned means of messaging each other, such as pigeons.

For a few days, it is great. Then one day, a pigeon shows up at one friends house with a blank piece of paper.

Angry, the receiver phones his friend to ask what was the meaning of the message.

To which his friend calmly replies, "Oh, that was a missed call."

I heard there were some mute pigeons that unsuccessfully tried to overthrow the government.

It was a failed coo

Three old ladies are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.

The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

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