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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner,...

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

what do ducks eat?

quackers

Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

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A hunter shoots a duck and the duck falls dead on Aboriginal territory.

The Hunter goes to get it, and an Aboriginal man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the Aboriginal says, "We have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns k...

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

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A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kick...

My girlfriend is annoyed because I won't stop making duck jokes.

Judging from the look on her face, I don't think I mallard to say them anymore.

Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles”.

Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?”

“No” he replies, “it’s puddles. And don’t ask.”

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

You put it in a microwave until it’s Bill Withers.

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Why do ducks have feathers?

To hide their butt-quacks!

Three ducks went to court after being arrested

When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?"

The duck responds, "Quack."

And what did you get arrested for?

The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.

The judge calls upon the second duck, an...

I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

How do you eat duck eggs?

First you gotta quack em open!

Finally tried eating duck eggs....

Not all they're quacked up to be.

What was the duck doing at the trap house?

Smoking quack

What is a duck’s favourite drug?

Meth

Q: What do you get if you mix ducks with fireworks?





**A : Firequackers.**

What sound does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

What did the cute duck say when asked what its favorite drug was?

Quack.

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

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Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quack.

Why can't you trust anything that comes out of a duck's mouth?

Because they're all quacks

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Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?

One has a bill on their face and the other has their face on a bill.

Three Ducks Go to Heaven

Okay, three ducks die and go to heaven. Gabriel is at the gate and he tells the ducks, "Tell me, honestly, how you died, and I'll let you into heaven."
So the first duck goes, "Well, my name's Quack and I was watching my friend blow bubbles underwater when a jet ski came by and hit me in the head...

What do fashionable ducks use to make s'mores?

Glam Quackers

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They...

A duck walks into a bar after a long day of work on abuilding sight

He hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club sandwich and a pint of Guinness , the bartender says "WOW! A talking duck" he is very surprised but gets him his sandwich and pint anyway


The next night the duck comes in and hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club s...

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Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game?

She was trying to catch some fowl balls.

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How does a duck fart?

With his ass quack!

Courtesy of my wife's random work colleagues.

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A man walks home with a duck under his arm...

"See?" He says "This is the pig I'm fucking."

"Honey, that's not a Pig..." Says the Wife

The husband says "I was talking to the Duck."

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

During my life, I've seen quite a lot of ducks.

Most of them at Chinese restaurants.

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

Which mouse can walk with two legs? Mickey Mouse. But which duck can walk with two legs?

All of them dumbass

Why couldn’t the duck cross the road?

Because he got his foot stuck in a quack.

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I caught my friend having sex with a duck

It was pretty fowl.

What did the Gangster say to the duck?

What’s up quacker?

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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. (NSFW)

His wife, sitting on the couch, looks up.

He says “well, this is the cow I’ve been fucking”

His wife shakes her head, “you’re drunk, that’s no cow, it’s a duck”

The man says “I was talking to the duck”

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A man and his family have a pet duck

Most of the time, the duck stays near the little pond that lies in the corner of their property. Every now and then, the duck wanders around, and sometimes crosses the fence into the neighbor's land.

The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, is a bitter, mean old man who always yells at the children for lett...

One day a chicken saw a duck standing by the edge of the road looking at the other side...

The chicken walked over to the duck and said “ don’t do it pal you will never here the end of it.”

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

A guy walks into a bar with three ducks

The bartender says "sir you can't bring those ducks in here" the man says "but you don't understand these are talking ducks and are very rare" the bartender doesn't believe him so the man bets him a free drink that he can prove it, the man says he will go to the bathroom and the bartender can speak ...

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?

Milk and quackers.

Two guys walk into a bar....

The third ducks.

A Duck walks into a pharmacy.

He tells the pharmacist “I’d like to buy a box of Chapstick.”.
The pharmacist replies, “OK, how would you like to pay for this?”
The duck says “Put it on my bill.”.

3 men walk into a bar, one after the other...

You'd think the 3rd one would have ducked

A duck walks into a bar

A talking duck that happens to be an electrician walks into a bar and orders a pint of his favourite larger.
The bartender asks him how was work, to which the duck replies "ah its been a long week with a few tough jobs, I was thinking about a career change"
The bartender takes a moment to thin...

Two drunks are out hunting duck...

One shoots a flying duck and it falls dead at his feet. ‘You could have saved yourself a shot there,’ says the other. ‘From that height the fall alone would’ve killed it.’

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[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.

Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand o...

Two ducks are having an affair.

hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.

“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”

What is a duck's drug of choice?

Quack cocaine

A duck walks into a pharmacy...

He's waddles up to the counter and asks for a Chap Stick. The pharmacist gives the duck the Chap Stick and says, "That will be two dollars."
The duck replies "That's okay, just put it on my bill."

A few hours later, another duck walks into the same pharmacy, (it's right near the park.) ...

Did you hear about the duck and Chinese chef that teamed up to deal drugs?

They were slinging quack wok!

What did the cook say when he accidentally dropped the jar of duck fat?

Ma-lard!

Why aren't there any ducks in Portugal?

They're all Portugeese

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shou...

Daffy duck

Daffy duck rings the hotel desk and asks for a condom.
They ask " shall we put it on your bill" he says" are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate!"

A duck walks into a bar...

DUCK: Got any bread?
Barman: No
DUCK: Got any bread?
Barman: No
DUCK: Got any bread?
Barman: No
DUCK: Got any bread?
DUCK: Got any b....
Barman: Ask one more time and I'll nail your beak to the bar.
......
DUCK: Got any Nails?
Barman: No.
DUCK: Got ...

What happens when you call a duck?

His phone wings

What can a taxation auditor do that a duck can't?

Shove his bill up his ass!

Why don't ducks fly upside-down?

Because then they would quack up.

Three ducks went to jail

When they arrived, a large swan approached them. "What's your story?" He asked.

The first one said "I'm Huey, I'm not sure what I did wrong. I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."

The second one then steps forward and says "Hey, I'm Dewey. I was also blowing bubbles in the pond."...

My wife is leaving me over my duck puns.

She couldn't stand jokes so fowl.

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Little Johnny sells a duck

One day a farmer decides to sell 3 of his ducks. He gives one to each of his sons, Billy, Bobby and Johnny and tells them to go to market and see what they can get for the ducks.

So Billy goes to market and comes back, and he says to his dad “hey dad!! I got ten bucks for that duck!” “Very go...

What similarities do Donald Trump and Donald Duck have in common besides their name?

They’re both quacks.

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm

The bartender says, "Hey! Get that pig out of here!"
The lady scoffs and tells the bartender, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck." To which the bartender replies, "I was talkin' to the duck!"

My autocorrect is finally suggesting swear words.

However, now I have to be careful when I'm actually talking to my mom about ducks.

Imagine a world where ducks reign supreme, one of the jobs is that some of the ducks have to pay water to the towns. What is the job called?

An aquaduck(t).

Murphy runs up to a farmer says he wants to buy a duck.

"Have you got a duck? I need to buy a duck."

Now, the farmer knows Murphy, and knows he's got a bit of a reputation, so he says, "Sure, I've got a lot of ducks. What do you need a duck for?"

"Well, it's Friday; Friday! I've got to get down on Friday!"

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Did you hear about the scientists that successfully cross bred a duck with a golden retriever?

The results were good, but she was a foul bitch.

A duck walks into a bar...

... and walks up to the bartender to order a pint of lager and a ham and cheese sandwich. The bartender is flabbergasted to see a talking duck, but then quickly proceeds to pour the duck his drink and fetch his sandwich after seeing him get impatient

A few weeks pass and the duck becomes qui...

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duck

Me: There are 3 black roosters on one side of the street how many legs do they have?

Friend: 6

Me: how many wigs?

Friend: 6

Me: how many eyes?

Friend: 6

Me: There are 3 white cats on the other side of the street how many eyes do they have?

Friend: 6...

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

What does a duck thats made of avocado say?

Guac

What did the geese say to the ducks from Alabama?

When did you get so interbred?

Religious Cowboy

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a...

A duck walks into a bar . . .

. . and says "Do you have duck food here?"

The bartender says "No" and the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have duck food?"

The bartender says "No."

The duck comes back the next day and says "Do you have any duck food?" The bartender says "I...

Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck.

The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing past six inches too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past six inches too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim, "Got him!"



Courte...

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(This is actually a joke by Jim Morrison) A Friend Of Mine Wanted a Duck Hunting-Dog...

...so he went to an old-timer to ask for some advice. He told him to find a dog with a tight asshole so that when the dog goes in the water, it won’t flood in his asshole causing him to sink. So my friend goes to the kennel, checking all of the dog’s assholes. The kennel owner sees him and asks what...

Name that duck

What did the mother duck say to her child who was late for school



Quick...Quick....

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Why did the duck take Viagra?

Why did the duck take Viagra?



So he could get his down up.

Give a man duck and you feed him for a day

teach a man to duck and he can protect himself from low flying objects

What do you get if you put a duck in a blender?

A quackamole

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."

The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "...

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?”
One man replied.

Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able...

Why did the duck divorce his wife?

He found out she was a quack addict.

What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?

''Put it on my bill."

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A man sends his son out with a duck and tells him to make some money

So the son naturally heads for the county fair to see if anyone wants to buy it. Along the way, he sees this ugly prostitute.

The prostitute walks up to him and says, "Hey that's a nice duck you got there. Tell ya what. If you give me that duck, I'll fuck you."

So they go into the wo...

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What’s got 400 balls and fucks ducks?

A shotgun.

What’s got 2 balls and fucks cats?

Shane Dawson.

The 5 “D’s” to surviving Reddit are: Dodge, duck, dip, dive and...

Drepost

As a vet i dislike working with ducks

They keep calling me a quack

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