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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shou...

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A duck walks into a pub....

..... and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you...

A Duck walks into a bar

Duck asks the bartender, "You got any grapes?' Bartender says, "Of course not, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes." Duck leaves but returns an hour later. "Got any grapes?" Bartender leans forward and says, "I told you before we don't have any grapes. Get lost." Another hour passes and ...

What do you call cocaine for ducks

quack

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm

The bartender says, "Hey! Get that pig out of here!"
The lady scoffs and tells the bartender, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck." To which the bartender replies, "I was talkin' to the duck!"

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by police...

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by a policeman.

The policeman walks over to the truck, where he can see, to his surprise, there are 50 ducks.

He asks the man why he was speeding. The man replies, "I've got so many ducks, and I don't know what ...

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

A Woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck...

Give a man duck and you feed him for a day

teach a man to duck and he can protect himself from low flying objects

I'm looking for a joke...

Hey jokers can y'all help me?
I used to tell this joke and I can't remember how it went. But it was something with 3 men, 3 women, and I believe 3 ducks.
Do any of you know it?
Much obliged.

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."

The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "...

What is a ducks favourite food?

Quackers

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first wom...

Duck duck...

When I was a kid, I had this conversation with a retired Vietnam veteran:

I saw his display of medals and asked about each. They all came with stories that left me wide-eyed and speechless.
All except the last one. I pointed and asked "what about the one that looks like a heart?".
H...

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

Three men walk into a bar

The fourth one ducks

Which mouse runs on two legs? Mickey mouse. Now which duck runs on two legs?

Every duck runs on two legs.

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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm...

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He turns to his wife and says, 'This is the pig I'm fucking'. His wife says, 'You idiot...that isn't a pig. It's a duck.' The man responds, 'I wasn't talking to you...'.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

Ducks walk into the bar

"Got any bread?"
*No*



"Got any bread?"
*No*




"Got any bread?"
*No and if you ask again, i.ll nail your beak to the bar*



"Got any nails?"
*No*




"Got any bread?"

A duck walks into a Mercedes dealership, and starts looking at cars.

A salesman approaches and says "can I help you sir"

The duck says "yes, I'm looking for a comfortable, yet fast car"

"Don't worry" says the duck "I have a well-paid job, and I can afford a Mercedes"

After some time the duck chooses a car and they retire to the salesman's office ...

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A man commisions his three kids to each sell a duck

The eldest goes out, and returns having sold the duck for 5 dollars.
The middle child goes out, and returns a tad more successful having sold the duck for 10 dollars.
The youngest child goes out, and while at the market, gets propositioned by a lady of the night. He explains he has no money...

After feeling like he's being followed by a flock of ducks for years, a spanish man finally decides to lose them by jumping in front of a train...

I guess you could say it was quite a loco motive.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in an oven and bake it until its bill withers.

What do ducks smoke?

Quack.
(Yes you saw it coming)

Why did the duck need to sell himself?

He got hooked on the quack.

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?”
One man replied.

Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able...

A duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a bar, and orders a pint.

"That's amazing, a talking duck!" says the barkeep, as he pours the duck's drink. "You should join the circus!"

"Why?" Replied the duck, "do they need an electrician?"

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Negligent Discharge

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was a...

What did the drug-dealing duck say?

"Hey. Want some *quack?*"

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Autocorrect keeps replacing “fuck” with “duck”

Either way it’s fowl language

How did the duck become a addict

He started doing sea-weed but quickly dived into quack.

I’ve got a great recipe for popcorn stuffed duck.

It’s called Quacker Jacks

A guy walks into a brothel...

...and says “I have a dollar, what can I get for this?”

The madam looks at him and his dollar for a moment before placing a large duck and a room key on the counter. The man is skeptical but he takes the duck upstairs and has the time of his life.

He comes back every day for the next...

Duck love

'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '....

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for t...

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An old man notices a young boy walking down the street with some chicken wire.

The old man says "where you going with that there chicken wire?"
The boy says " going to catch me some chickens".
Old man " that ain't how you catch chickens"
A few hours later the old man sees the boy walking back with a bunch of chickens in his wire.
"
Ill be damned" thinks the ol...

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A husband comes home to his wife

with a duck in his hands and says "This is the pig I've been fucking"

The wife says "That's not a pig that's a duck"

The husband says "I wasn't talking to you"

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!

Two ducks go on their honeymoon...

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No'' he...

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A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar and he says to the bartender,

“give me a drink.”

The bartender says “which drink we have like 80 different drinks”

The duck says “Just put it on my bill”

The bartender looks at the duck and says, “I still don’t know what drink you want.”

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".

L...

Three ducks get arrested...

The first duck walks up to the judge and the judge asks

"What is your name and what were you arrested for"

The duck responds: "My name is Billy, and I was arrested for doing quack in the park"

The judge tells the duck to sit down, and the second duck walks up to the judge and b...

Why do ducks ruffle their feathers?

To make sure there covering their quack.

Two ducks just walked across my tv

Must have been a double bill.

The Secret Service had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

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Why do ducks have feathers?

So they don’t show their butt-quack

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack

How do you get down from a duck?

You don't. You get down from a goose.

What do you call a duck that always hits the target?

A quackshot

I tried to build a new up staircase to the second floor out of duck feathers.

But they ended up down stairs.

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Duck at a construction site

A duck is working at a construction site as a brick mason.

After work one day the duck decides to walk over to the bar.

He sits down at the bar, turns to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.”

The bartender exclaims, “Woah a talking duck!”

“Yeah, what about ...

What do you call a duck with a drug problem..??

A quack head..

Why are ducks the best late night booty call?

Because they are always down

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Little Johnny and his duck

Little Johnny’s father told him to go and sell one of their ducks to the local market for as much money as possible

When little Johnny got there he saw the most attractive girl he could imagine.

He walked right up to the girl trying to sell the duck when the girl eventually asked “hav...

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

Donald Duck died not long ago.

Police believe fowl play was involved.

Two blondes walk into a bar

You’d think the second one would have ducked

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A duck walks into a bar...

...flaps itself onto a stool in front of the bartender and says, "Got any bread?" The bartender looks at the duck and replies, "Fraid not, can I get you something else?" The duck says, "Got any bread?" the barman stares at the duck for a second and replies, "No mate, we don't have any bread" The duc...

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A duck farmer’s son

One day a duck farmer wanted to test his sons ability to sell a duck. He gave his son his healthiest duck and told him to go to town and get as much money as he could for the duck.

As the son was walking into town he came across the most beautiful lady he had ever seen! He asked the lady if ...

What do you call a Saltine container filled with ducks?

A box of quackers

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the ...

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A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in sh...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him and says, "for 5 bucks, I'll show you something amazing."

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

"Wow he's amazi...

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A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

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A duck walks into a bar

Walks up to the bartender and orders a shot of vodka.
The bartender looks at the customer bewildered, not able to
understand how a duck is able to talk. So he pours it a shot of
vodka and watches the animal. The duck drinks its shot, pays
and walks out. The next day the same thing hap...

You should’ve seen their faces when I showed up as Donald Duck at the office Christmas party.

Yeah I had no pants, no self control and I came with three kids that weren’t mine.

How do you know all ducks are druggies?

They're addicted to quack.

What's a duck's favorite thing to smoke?

Quack.

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what do you call a sex doll stuffed with duck feathers?

down to fuck

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A guy walks into a bar on a rainy day with three ducks.

The guy goes to the bathroom and the three ducks sit on barstools. The bartender says “what’s your name?” to the first duck. The duck says “my name is Chuck and I like to fuck”. The bartender is surprised but continues the small talk “shitty weather we’re having”. The duck says “no way, I’m havi...

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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

What did the doctor say to the duck?

I can do the plastic surgery, but your bill is going to be huge.

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Where does a duck hide it’s drugs?

In its buttquack

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So... What does the tax man/IRS and a duck have in common?

They can both stick their bills up their arseholes.

Three ducks got arrested!

All three ducks where getting interrogated individually.

interrogator says to the first duck state your name and what you did!

1st duck replies my names quak and I got in trouble for blowing bubbles! interrogator thinks for a second and tells them to send in the 2nd duck.

interr...

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

A duck walks up to the pharmacy counter...

and tosses a box of Trojans down.

The pharmacist says: "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"...

The duck stares at him.

A duck and a beautiful woman

A duck and a beautiful woman are sitting on a hotel room bed when the duck realizes he has no condom not wanting to take any chances he calls room service. Room service arrives he asks "Do you want me to put this on your bill?" "No what do you think I am some kind of pervert?"

What would you call it if a duck conducts a kidnapping?

Ab-duck-tion

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A man walks into a bar......

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman “if I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says “sure , Impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”
...

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A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road & says

"Don't do it mate. You'll never hear the fucking end of it".

Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.

Three men approached the gates of heaven where they were immediately greeted by Saint Peter. "Hello good sirs, and welcome to the Kingdom of God. In heaven we have but one rule: DO NOT step on a duck."
"I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?" questioned one of the men.
"Over the years, many misconcep...

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The Duck Farmer

A duck farmer had three boys. The family was real poor, so he sent the boys to town, each with their own duck to sell. As the boys came to the edge of town, the eldest said “I want to stop at this whore house and see if I can sell my duck.” He wanders on in and upon seeing one of the ladies politely...

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I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.

"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"

"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"

I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"HOLY SHIT, They do tal...

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A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

Three men died and ended up in heaven...

They were greeted by a saint who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity... as long as you don't step on a duck." The men all agreed to not step on any ducks and they went on their way.

The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up tripping over a duck. The...

A duck walks into a bar....

... jumps up on the bar top and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
Bartender yella "No! This is a bar you dumb duck. "
The duck walks away.
The next day the duck jumps back up on the the bar top and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
Bartender replies, "No!! Now go away!"
The thrid day t...

A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.

"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.

The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter...

Why did the duck stand in the middle of the road?

He wanted to prove he's not a chicken!

Duck walks into a gas station

Duck: Do you have any grapes?

Attendant: No this is a gas station, we don’t sell grapes here.

Duck leaves and comes back the next day and goes to the same guy

Duck: Do you have any grapes?

Attendant: I told you yesterday we don’t have any grapes.

Duck leaves a...

A beautiful woman walking into a sporting goods store...

She spends a few minutes shopping around until she finds a fishing rod that she would like to buy for herself. She picks it up and brings it to the front counter. When she arrives the only cashier is a blind man.

"Good choice" The blind man says "That rod is only $20 this week"

"How do...

A duck orders a condom, at a hotel...

The man at the front desk asks, "Would you like me to put this on your bill, sir?"

The duck replies, "No, what sort of pervert do you think I am?!"

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck.

It needs more time to cook!

A duck walks into a bar...

...and asks for a pint of beer, the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve ducks at this establishment."

To which the duck politely leaves.

​

The next day the duck walks into the same bar, walks up to the bartender & again asks for a pint of beer.

The b...

Why was the duck broke?

he spent all his money on quack.

I stubbed my toe and got scolded by my parents for yelling “What the duck”

They were angry that I used fowl language

A man walks into a Dr.’s office with a duck on his head.

The Dr. asks, “May I help you?” The duck says, “Yeah – get this guy out of my ass!”

A man walks into the bar and takes a stool next to a duck on the bar...

Man: what's with the duck?
Bartender: oh he's magic
M: what?
B: magic... So you whisper your greatest desire in his ear and immediately he grants it
M: no way
B: try it!

The man leans into the ducks ear and whispers something and *poof* a small man in a suit with tails and a wh...

A duck walks in to a bar

And asks the bartender if he has any bread. “Go away duck! We don’t have any bread” said the bartender.

The duck waddles off.

The next day the duck returns to the bar and asks the bartender if he has any bread. “Go away duck! I told you we don’t have any bread!”

The duck again...

A man hits a duck with his car.

He's a responsible citizen, so he calls the cops and waits for them to arrive.

After reviewing the evidence, and conferring, the officers tell him, "You won't be charged with anything, but you will have to pick up the bill."

What Did the Black duck say to the White duck for telling a bad joke?

Quakka please.....

A man walks into a bar

And he sees a 1 foot tall bloke dancing on the keyboard of a piano. He asks the bartender, "Where did you get the lil guy from?" The bartender replied "I got him from this wishing rock", gesturing to a small black rock on the counter.

The man asked if he can give it a try. The bartender said...

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An old joke about a boy and a duck that my dad used to tell me when I definitely wasn't old enough for it to be appropriate.

A very rich old man is on his deathbed and is going to die soon, so he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given everything the old man owns. The first son goes out, and when he comes back he says, "Father! Father! I g...

A guy walks into a bar. As he is walking up to the bar he notices a twelve-inch man playing the piano,

So he asks the bartender “What’s that all about?” motioning to the dwarf,

The bartender told him he would tell him later. So the guy orders a drink. The bartender says,

“Before you get a drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.”

“Okay,” said the guy. He wa...