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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They...

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

What do ducks smoke?

Quack.

Two ducks are having an affair.

hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.

“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”

What is a duck's drug of choice?

Quack cocaine

What happens when you call a duck?

His phone wings

Don’t own it but kept hearing it when I was young

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grape...

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a duck walks into a bar...

And he says to the man running the bar, "Hey *bum bum bum* got any grapes?".

A duck walks into a bar...

DUCK: Got any bread?
Barman: No
DUCK: Got any bread?
Barman: No
DUCK: Got any bread?
Barman: No
DUCK: Got any bread?
DUCK: Got any b....
Barman: Ask one more time and I'll nail your beak to the bar.
......
DUCK: Got any Nails?
Barman: No.
DUCK: Got ...

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

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[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.

Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand o...

A chicken walks over to a duck standing on the side of the road.

The duck is considering crossing to the other side.

“Don’t do it, pal,” the chicken says. “You’ll never hear the end of it.”

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Did you hear about the scientists that successfully cross bred a duck with a golden retriever?

The results were good, but she was a foul bitch.

What similarities do Donald Trump and Donald Duck have in common besides their name?

They’re both quacks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(This is actually a joke by Jim Morrison) A Friend Of Mine Wanted a Duck Hunting-Dog...

...so he went to an old-timer to ask for some advice. He told him to find a dog with a tight asshole so that when the dog goes in the water, it won’t flood in his asshole causing him to sink. So my friend goes to the kennel, checking all of the dog’s assholes. The kennel owner sees him and asks what...

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shou...

Religious Cowboy

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a...

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duck

Me: There are 3 black roosters on one side of the street how many legs do they have?

Friend: 6

Me: how many wigs?

Friend: 6

Me: how many eyes?

Friend: 6

Me: There are 3 white cats on the other side of the street how many eyes do they have?

Friend: 6...

What does a duck thats made of avocado say?

Guac

What did the geese say to the ducks from Alabama?

When did you get so interbred?

What do you call a stampede of ducks?

An earthquack

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Stick it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers

A duck walks into a bar...

... and walks up to the bartender to order a pint of lager and a ham and cheese sandwich. The bartender is flabbergasted to see a talking duck, but then quickly proceeds to pour the duck his drink and fetch his sandwich after seeing him get impatient

A few weeks pass and the duck becomes qui...

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Why did the duck take Viagra?

Why did the duck take Viagra?

​

So he could get his down up.

A city guy drives into the country and sees some ducks at pond...

He walks up to the ducks and asks them their name and what they’re up to.

The first duck says “Hi, my name is Quack and I’m just blowing bubbles.”

The man then goes to the second duck and the duck says “Hi, my name is Quack Quack and I’m just blowing bubbles.”

So, when the man g...

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A duck walks into a pub....

..... and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you...

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm

The bartender says, "Hey! Get that pig out of here!"
The lady scoffs and tells the bartender, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck." To which the bartender replies, "I was talkin' to the duck!"

Guy comes home from the bar with a duck under his arm

His wife asks "Where the hell have you been?" and the guy says "This is the pig I've been screwin'" Wife says "That's not a pig you drunk!", guy says "I wasn't talking to you"

A Duck walks into a bar

Duck asks the bartender, "You got any grapes?' Bartender says, "Of course not, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes." Duck leaves but returns an hour later. "Got any grapes?" Bartender leans forward and says, "I told you before we don't have any grapes. Get lost." Another hour passes and ...

Why did the duck divorce his wife?

He found out she was a quack addict.

My wife is leaving me over my duck puns.

She couldn't stand jokes so fowl.

What do you get if you put a duck in a blender?

A quackamole

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A man sends his son out with a duck and tells him to make some money

So the son naturally heads for the county fair to see if anyone wants to buy it. Along the way, he sees this ugly prostitute.

The prostitute walks up to him and says, "Hey that's a nice duck you got there. Tell ya what. If you give me that duck, I'll fuck you."

So they go into the wo...

The 5 “D’s” to surviving Reddit are: Dodge, duck, dip, dive and...

Drepost

As a vet i dislike working with ducks

They keep calling me a quack

Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck.

The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing past six inches too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past six inches too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim, "Got him!"

​...

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What’s got 400 balls and fucks ducks?

A shotgun.

What’s got 2 balls and fucks cats?

Shane Dawson.

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders the fish dinner. The bartender brings the meal and goes on to serve other customers, when he notices the duck hasn't touched his meal, so he asks "is everything all right with the food?"

"Check please" said the duck

"Is everything all right?" asked the bartender "You haven't...

What duck related scandal led to the creation of Windows OS?

BillGate

What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?

''Put it on my bill."

The FBI, CIA and KGB were tasked to find a criminal duck that escaped into the forest.

First was the CIA, they interrogated and investigated for years, and came to the conclusion that the duck doesnt exist.

Then was the FBI, they did months of investigation, interrogated and spied every animal in the forest, then they accidentally caused a wildfire that killed every animal in ...

It's frustrating, every time I take my new dog to the park, the ducks just won't leave him alone.

I guess it's kind of my fault, I shouldn't have gotten a pure-bread dog.

Give a man duck and you feed him for a day

teach a man to duck and he can protect himself from low flying objects

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."

The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "...

I saw my ex-wife walking by me on the sidewalk with a duck under her arm. I asked '"What are you doing with that pig?"

She exclaimed, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"

"I know", I replied. "I was talking to the duck."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a new guy in town looking for some action...

He meets a guy at a new job and asks him where he can find a lady of the night. The friend tells the new guy he can find one downtown and she only costs 25 bucks!

The guy doesnt have much money at the time so he asks his friend for some. The friend says "Well, i cant loan you any money, but I...

Three men walk into a bar

The fourth one ducks

What do ducks like to eat with their soup?

........Quackers

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?”
One man replied.

Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able...

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by police...

A man in a truck is speeding, looking quite frantic, and gets pulled over by a policeman.

The policeman walks over to the truck, where he can see, to his surprise, there are 50 ducks.

He asks the man why he was speeding. The man replies, "I've got so many ducks, and I don't know what ...

I'm looking for a joke...

Hey jokers can y'all help me?
I used to tell this joke and I can't remember how it went. But it was something with 3 men, 3 women, and I believe 3 ducks.
Do any of you know it?
Much obliged.

Why did the duck need to sell himself?

He got hooked on the quack.

Which mouse runs on two legs? Mickey mouse. Now which duck runs on two legs?

Every duck runs on two legs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for t...

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Autocorrect keeps replacing “fuck” with “duck”

Either way it’s fowl language

Duck duck...

When I was a kid, I had this conversation with a retired Vietnam veteran:

I saw his display of medals and asked about each. They all came with stories that left me wide-eyed and speechless.
All except the last one. I pointed and asked "what about the one that looks like a heart?".
H...

A duck walks into a Mercedes dealership, and starts looking at cars.

A salesman approaches and says "can I help you sir"

The duck says "yes, I'm looking for a comfortable, yet fast car"

"Don't worry" says the duck "I have a well-paid job, and I can afford a Mercedes"

After some time the duck chooses a car and they retire to the salesman's office ...

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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm...

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. He turns to his wife and says, 'This is the pig I'm fucking'. His wife says, 'You idiot...that isn't a pig. It's a duck.' The man responds, 'I wasn't talking to you...'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man commisions his three kids to each sell a duck

The eldest goes out, and returns having sold the duck for 5 dollars.
The middle child goes out, and returns a tad more successful having sold the duck for 10 dollars.
The youngest child goes out, and while at the market, gets propositioned by a lady of the night. He explains he has no money...

A duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a bar, and orders a pint.

"That's amazing, a talking duck!" says the barkeep, as he pours the duck's drink. "You should join the circus!"

"Why?" Replied the duck, "do they need an electrician?"

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!

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An old man notices a young boy walking down the street with some chicken wire.

The old man says "where you going with that there chicken wire?"
The boy says " going to catch me some chickens".
Old man " that ain't how you catch chickens"
A few hours later the old man sees the boy walking back with a bunch of chickens in his wire.
"
Ill be damned" thinks the ol...

After feeling like he's being followed by a flock of ducks for years, a spanish man finally decides to lose them by jumping in front of a train...

I guess you could say it was quite a loco motive.

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Negligent Discharge

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was a...

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".

L...

Duck love

'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '....

A guy walks into a brothel...

...and says “I have a dollar, what can I get for this?”

The madam looks at him and his dollar for a moment before placing a large duck and a room key on the counter. The man is skeptical but he takes the duck upstairs and has the time of his life.

He comes back every day for the next...

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A duck walks into a bar and just fucking screams at the barkeep.Give me a fucking jack and coke you fucking stupid ugly motherfucker.

Whoa there partner, capitulates the tender of fine libations...whats with the fowl language?

What did the drug-dealing duck say?

"Hey. Want some *quack?*"

How did the duck become a addict

He started doing sea-weed but quickly dived into quack.

The Secret Service had to change protocol for when the president is in danger.

Instead of yelling "get down!", they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do ducks have feathers?

So they don’t show their butt-quack

Two blondes walk into a bar

You’d think the second one would have ducked

Two ducks go on their honeymoon...

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No'' he...

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Duck at a construction site

A duck is working at a construction site as a brick mason.

After work one day the duck decides to walk over to the bar.

He sits down at the bar, turns to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a rum and coke.”

The bartender exclaims, “Woah a talking duck!”

“Yeah, what about ...

Why do ducks ruffle their feathers?

To make sure there covering their quack.

Three ducks get arrested...

The first duck walks up to the judge and the judge asks

"What is your name and what were you arrested for"

The duck responds: "My name is Billy, and I was arrested for doing quack in the park"

The judge tells the duck to sit down, and the second duck walks up to the judge and b...

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar and he says to the bartender,

“give me a drink.”

The bartender says “which drink we have like 80 different drinks”

The duck says “Just put it on my bill”

The bartender looks at the duck and says, “I still don’t know what drink you want.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in sh...

A tourist in London was throwing bread to some ducks in a pond...

when a local woman approached him looking rather upset. She asked him how he could throw bread in the water for ducks when there were starving children in Africa? Wasn't it obvious that they could use that bread more than the ducks?

The man stood there for a short moment and responded to the ...

What do you call a duck that always hits the target?

A quackshot

I tried to build a new up staircase to the second floor out of duck feathers.

But they ended up down stairs.

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Little Johnny and his duck

Little Johnny’s father told him to go and sell one of their ducks to the local market for as much money as possible

When little Johnny got there he saw the most attractive girl he could imagine.

He walked right up to the girl trying to sell the duck when the girl eventually asked “hav...

Why are ducks the best late night booty call?

Because they are always down

What do you call a duck with a drug problem..??

A quack head..

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

Two ducks just walked across my tv

Must have been a double bill.

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A duck walks into a bar...

...flaps itself onto a stool in front of the bartender and says, "Got any bread?" The bartender looks at the duck and replies, "Fraid not, can I get you something else?" The duck says, "Got any bread?" the barman stares at the duck for a second and replies, "No mate, we don't have any bread" The duc...

How do you know all ducks are druggies?

They're addicted to quack.

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him and says, "for 5 bucks, I'll show you something amazing."

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

"Wow he's amazi...

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

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A duck walks into a bar

Walks up to the bartender and orders a shot of vodka.
The bartender looks at the customer bewildered, not able to
understand how a duck is able to talk. So he pours it a shot of
vodka and watches the animal. The duck drinks its shot, pays
and walks out. The next day the same thing hap...

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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...