A guy walks into a quiet bar

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the ba...

3 Men die and go to Heaven.... And there are ducks everywhere

Saint Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"

The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Pe...

Why did the duck get arrested?

because he was selling quack

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

A duck tries to walk into a bar...

...but he is stopped by the bouncer. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The duck has a bill, so he waddles right in.

Five minutes later, a turtle tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The turtle has a greenback, so he walks right in.

Five minutes after th...

A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner,...

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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

Put it in the microwave until it’s bill withers.

Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a day

Teach a man to duck, and he'll stop walking into bars

A duck goes into the shop to buy some lipstick. “How do you want to pay?” asks the shop assistant..

...”just put it on my bill” replies the duck.

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What do you get if you cross a frog, a duck, an elephant, and a rhino?

Fuck if I know.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

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A man comes home to his wife with a duck under his arm.

Upon entering, the man calmly states “.. and this is the pig I’ve been fucking”.

The wife frowns and says “that’s not a pig, that’s a duck”.

To which the man replies “I wasn’t talking to you”.

What's a ducks favourite drug?

Quack

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When your phone accidentally replaces fuck with duck, you can still use it.

It's still fowl language

Dude 1: what mouse walks on two feet?

Dude 2: I d’know

Dude 1: Mickey Mouse

Dude 1: now what duck walks on two feet?

Dude 2: Donald Duck :)

Dude 1: every duck you fuming moron


Don’t know if this is funny I found it so
Also don’t know if it’s been posted my friend told me it.

What drug was the duck addicted to?

Quack cocaine

A duck waddled into a country grocery store and asked the clerk; "Do you sell duck food?".

"Of course not," replied the clerk, "We sell groceries to humans, not ducks."

The next day, the duck returned and asked again, "Do you sell duck food?"

Annoyed, the clerk snapped, "No! No duck food!"

When the duck returned the next day and posed the same question, the clerk thre...

There were three ducks swiming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing. They were called to apper in court the next day

So the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swiming after midnight

The duck said "blowing bubbles"

So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said

"blowing bubbles".

Then the judge called up duck #3 and said l...

What did the chicken say to the duck who was just about to cross the road?

"Don't do it bro, you will never hear the end of it..."

I went to the Doctors and told him kept hallucinating and seeing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and their pals.....

The Doc said not to worry...you're just having Disney spells...

What do you call a duck on dangerous substances?

A quack-head

Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

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A guy walks into a bar carrying 3 ducks......

He has one duck in his left hand, one in his right hand and one under his left arm. The bar is very empty and he is the only patron. He sits down sets his ducks on the bar and has a few drinks. The bartender doesn't say anything because he would rather a weird customer with ducks than no customers a...

A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man, running the stand

"Quack"

What did the duck say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

what do ducks eat?

quackers

I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

I caught my nephew using "Duck" in place of the F word.

I had to stop him, I know his dad wouldn't approve of such fowl language.

How do you eat duck eggs?

First you gotta quack em open!

Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck today.

Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.

My girlfriend is annoyed because I won't stop making duck jokes.

Judging from the look on her face, I don't think I mallard to say them anymore.

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

Three Ducks Go to Heaven

Okay, three ducks die and go to heaven. Gabriel is at the gate and he tells the ducks, "Tell me, honestly, how you died, and I'll let you into heaven."
So the first duck goes, "Well, my name's Quack and I was watching my friend blow bubbles underwater when a jet ski came by and hit me in the head...

Three ducks went to court after being arrested

When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?"

The duck responds, "Quack."

And what did you get arrested for?

The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.

The judge calls upon the second duck, an...

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A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kick...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles”.

Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?”

“No” he replies, “it’s puddles. And don’t ask.”

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

I visited my uncle. He asked me to bring a duck from yard for dinner

I caught one, killed it and brought it to the kitchen. My uncle asked 'Did the duck quack before he died?'

'Yes,' I said , 'He quacked twice.'

'Do you know what he said?'

'No, why ask?'

'He said I'm goose! I'm goose!'

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A hunter shoots a duck and the duck falls dead on Aboriginal territory.

The Hunter goes to get it, and an Aboriginal man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the Aboriginal says, "We have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns k...

Finally tried eating duck eggs....

Not all they're quacked up to be.

Q: What do you get if you mix ducks with fireworks?





**A : Firequackers.**

A pirate, two giraffes, a duck and a nun walk into a bar..

The bartender says
"Is this some kind of joke?"

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Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

What did the cute duck say when asked what its favorite drug was?

Quack.

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

What did one duck say to the other that had lost it's voice?

How's it, quacka-lackin'?

Did you hear about the duck that had to go to rehab?

Apparently it had a pretty serious quack addiction

What was the duck doing at the trap house?

Smoking quack

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

Why can't you trust anything that comes out of a duck's mouth?

Because they're all quacks

What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?

One has a bill on their face and the other has their face on a bill.

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Why did the horny duck go to the baseball game?

She was trying to catch some fowl balls.

What do fashionable ducks use to make s'mores?

Glam Quackers

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A man and his family have a pet duck

Most of the time, the duck stays near the little pond that lies in the corner of their property. Every now and then, the duck wanders around, and sometimes crosses the fence into the neighbor's land.

The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, is a bitter, mean old man who always yells at the children for lett...

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

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How does a duck fart?

With his ass quack!

Courtesy of my wife's random work colleagues.

A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out "I will not be judged by a common duck"
The judge says to the defence lawyer "If you don't silence your client he will be held in contempt."
The defence says "Yes Mallard"

A duck walks into a bar after a long day of work on abuilding sight

He hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club sandwich and a pint of Guinness , the bartender says "WOW! A talking duck" he is very surprised but gets him his sandwich and pint anyway


The next night the duck comes in and hops onto a barstool and asks the bartender for a club s...

During my life, I've seen quite a lot of ducks.

Most of them at Chinese restaurants.

Which mouse can walk with two legs? Mickey Mouse. But which duck can walk with two legs?

All of them dumbass

Why couldn’t the duck cross the road?

Because he got his foot stuck in a quack.

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I caught my friend having sex with a duck

It was pretty fowl.

A guy walks into a bar with three ducks

The bartender says "sir you can't bring those ducks in here" the man says "but you don't understand these are talking ducks and are very rare" the bartender doesn't believe him so the man bets him a free drink that he can prove it, the man says he will go to the bathroom and the bartender can speak ...

What did the Gangster say to the duck?

What’s up quacker?

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A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm. (NSFW)

His wife, sitting on the couch, looks up.

He says “well, this is the cow I’ve been fucking”

His wife shakes her head, “you’re drunk, that’s no cow, it’s a duck”

The man says “I was talking to the duck”

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shou...

One day a chicken saw a duck standing by the edge of the road looking at the other side...

The chicken walked over to the duck and said “ don’t do it pal you will never here the end of it.”

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[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.

Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand o...

Two ducks are having an affair.

hey rent a hotel room for an hour, but the male duck forgot contraception. He calls down to room service.

“Got it,” says the front desk, “and would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. “I’d suffocate.”

A duck walks into a bar

A talking duck that happens to be an electrician walks into a bar and orders a pint of his favourite larger.
The bartender asks him how was work, to which the duck replies "ah its been a long week with a few tough jobs, I was thinking about a career change"
The bartender takes a moment to thin...

Two drunks are out hunting duck...

One shoots a flying duck and it falls dead at his feet. ‘You could have saved yourself a shot there,’ says the other. ‘From that height the fall alone would’ve killed it.’

3 men walk into a bar, one after the other...

You'd think the 3rd one would have ducked

A duck walks into a pharmacy...

He's waddles up to the counter and asks for a Chap Stick. The pharmacist gives the duck the Chap Stick and says, "That will be two dollars."
The duck replies "That's okay, just put it on my bill."

A few hours later, another duck walks into the same pharmacy, (it's right near the park.) ...

What happens when you call a duck?

His phone wings

A duck walks into a bar...

DUCK: Got any bread?
Barman: No
DUCK: Got any bread?
Barman: No
DUCK: Got any bread?
Barman: No
DUCK: Got any bread?
DUCK: Got any b....
Barman: Ask one more time and I'll nail your beak to the bar.
......
DUCK: Got any Nails?
Barman: No.
DUCK: Got ...

Why aren't there any ducks in Portugal?

They're all Portugeese

Did you hear about the duck and Chinese chef that teamed up to deal drugs?

They were slinging quack wok!

A Duck walks into a pharmacy.

He tells the pharmacist “I’d like to buy a box of Chapstick.”.
The pharmacist replies, “OK, how would you like to pay for this?”
The duck says “Put it on my bill.”.

Three ducks went to jail

When they arrived, a large swan approached them. "What's your story?" He asked.

The first one said "I'm Huey, I'm not sure what I did wrong. I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."

The second one then steps forward and says "Hey, I'm Dewey. I was also blowing bubbles in the pond."...

Imagine a world where ducks reign supreme, one of the jobs is that some of the ducks have to pay water to the towns. What is the job called?

An aquaduck(t).

Daffy duck

Daffy duck rings the hotel desk and asks for a condom.
They ask " shall we put it on your bill" he says" are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate!"

What did the cook say when he accidentally dropped the jar of duck fat?

Ma-lard!

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?”
One man replied.

Peter says,
“You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able...

What can a taxation auditor do that a duck can't?

Shove his bill up his ass!

Why don't ducks fly upside-down?

Because then they would quack up.

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm

The bartender says, "Hey! Get that pig out of here!"
The lady scoffs and tells the bartender, "This isn't a pig, it's a duck." To which the bartender replies, "I was talkin' to the duck!"

My wife is leaving me over my duck puns.

She couldn't stand jokes so fowl.

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

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