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The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

3 ducks get arrested and have to go before a judge

The judge calls on the first duck. “State your name and tell me why you were arrested.”

Duck 1: “my name is Quack and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the park”

The judge, a little annoyed, says, “That’s not a crime! You shouldn’t be here. You are free to go. Next!”

Duck 2 ...

Four ducks are in court for fighting in the park

Judge: You, first duck, what's your name

Duck1: Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.

Judge: Okay, that's cool...You, second duck, what's your name?

Duck2: Duck Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck Duck: I was j...

A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the duck’s
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head
sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I...

Why did the duck get arrested?

For selling quack

A duck walks into an optician's shop

He says, "I'd like those sunglasses please". The clerk asks, "How would you like to pay for them?" The duck replies,

"Just put them on my bill."

What do you call a duck that can see the future?

Clairbuoyant.

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Why wont ducks squat?

They don’t want people to see their butt-quack

What did the chicken say to the duck as it was about to cross the road?

"Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it."

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Why do ducks wear underwear?

To hide their butt-quack.

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a duck and a horse walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "is this some kind of joke?"

What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

Donald duck walks into a bar...

Donald duck walks into a bar to escape the rain and orders a shot of wild Turkey. The bartender hands him his shot and Sparks up a conversation with the duck.
"Hi Mr duck how is your day going," asks the bartender?
"Oh I'm doing good bartender. I'm in and out of puddles all day and living the ...

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A Woman is sat in her living room when her Husband walks in with a Duck under his Arm

“This is the Pig I’ve been fucking” he says

“That’s not a Pig” she replies

He says “I wasn’t talking to you”

3 Men die and go to Heaven.... And there are ducks everywhere

Saint Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"

The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Pe...

What noise does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

Why can't you trust a duck with bomb defusal?

They quack under pressure.

So a duck walks into a bar...

And the duck says "can I get a glass of beer?"
The bartender looks at the duck and says "you are a talking duck!" And the duck says "I am indeed". The bartender hands him the drink. The duck pays for it. The next day the duck comes in and asks for the same thing, pays, and leaves. This carries on...

A duck, a lion and a snake walk into a bar.

After some drinks, they are talking about their own greatness.

The Lion tells stories about his harem, how he rules above a vast territory and how he never knew hunger.

The duck describes how beautiful the world looks like from above, and never having to endure harsh winters becaus...

Donald Duck was walking trough Mario's castle

When He saw the princess He said:

Hi Daisy!

To wich She replied:

I'm Peach Donald.

What do you call a duck drug addict?

A QUACKHEAD

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A millionaire and a guide were out hunting ducks with a dog.

The dog runs into a thicket and back out and barks once. The owner said good there's one duck in there. They go in and sure enough one duck. They get the duck and head to the next thicket.

The dog runs in and back out. This time he barks three times. Good there's three ducks. They go in and b...

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Three ducks walk into a bar...

The bartender knows he’s being had so is cautious.
He walks up to the first duck and asks. What’s your name?”
The duck relies. “Huey.”

The Barman says “ so how’s it goin, Huey?”

Huey says, “ oh in and out of puddles all day, it’s a great day to be a duck.”

The Bartender s...

How did the duck ruin his life?

Quack-cocaine.

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It’s still fowl language

Being a journalist in Russia is like being a duck in Duck Hunt.

If they didn't get you,it's because they were getting someone else.

What do ducks smoke?

Quack

How does the court jester address the King of Ducks?

Mal’Lard

What did the cow say to the duck?

# MOO

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duck walks into a bar and puts down his tool bag

the bar tender is speechless. He’s even more amazed when the duck orders a drink. the same thing happens the next day. same routine. the duck walks in, puts down his tool bag, takes a seat, orders a drink. after a week of this the barman works up the courage and says to the duck “I hope you don’t mi...

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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks.

Walking past a farm, I saw a sign that said: 'Duck, eggs'.

I thought: "That's a funny place for a comma" -then it hit me.

3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.

3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough.

The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be...

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How does a duck fart?

With his ass-quack

I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!"

They told me I'm not to use fowl language

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Man walks into a Dr.’s office with a duck on his head. Dr. says, “May I help you?”

Duck says, “Yeah – get this guy off my butt!”

Ducks out after curfew.

A Cop is out on his nightly patrol when he sees three Ducks out on a pond after curfew. He pulls into the park shines his spotlight on the ducks and asks them to come to shore so he could speak with them. The Ducks come to shore then the Cop asks the first duck to speak with him.

The cop ask...

I asked the carnival worker how the trainer had taught the duck to dance.

He said I don't know, I only turn the hot plate on.

Some advice: never take medicine offered by ducks.

They’re quack doctors.

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

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What's the worst part of a Duck not wearing pants?

You can see their butt quack

A hunter and two mathematics professors go duck hunting.

The hunter lets the professors have the first shot, and they both try to shoot the same duck.

The first professor shoots and misses by 25 metres to the right.

The second shoots and misses as well, by 25 metres to the left, then turns and high fives the first professor.

The hunte...

What are ducks' drug of choice?

Quack

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The Duck Hunter

So this duck hunter finally talked his wife into going hunting with him. They were to leave very early the next day, so they prepared everything the night before. The alarm clock was set for 3am, and hubby was gonna get up first and make sure everything was ready.

He got up to check on stuff,...

What is the best sauce to eat with duck?

Quackamole!

Why don't ducks tell jokes when they fly?

Because they would quack up!

Why did the Duck know what he was getting for Christmas?

Because he was Peking

A duck tries to walk into a bar...

...but he is stopped by the bouncer. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The duck has a bill, so he waddles right in.

Five minutes later, a turtle tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The turtle has a greenback, so he walks right in.

Five minutes after th...

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I saw a duck high as shit

It was snorting cwack.

How do you eat duck eggs?

First, you gotta quack 'em open.

What happens when you put ducks in a cement mixer?

You get quacks in the pavement...

Why are french ducks so attractive?

They have a certain "je ne sais quack'".

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A duck walks into my chemistry class

So, a duck walked into my chemistry class. The teacher jumped up and started shooing it out, but one kid gets between them and says "No, don't! Haven't you heard of this duck? He's a genius!" The teacher knows the kid is lying, but doesn't see the harm in humoring him, so she asks the kid to prove h...

What's a ducks favourite drug?

Quack

A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by.

A chicken walks up and says, "Don't do it, bud. You'll never hear the end of it."

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him

but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Why did the chef slather his sofa in duck fat?

He wanted to make it more confit

I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

What do you get when you put a duck in a cement mixer ?

Quacks in the pavement !



(Sokay Imma know which door to go though)

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

Three ducks go in to a bar..

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender.
He turned to the se...

Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck we're in the middle of a robbery...

Bugs Bunny asked Daffy, "Is this whiskey?"

Daffy answered, "Of course it's whiskey, but it's safer than wobbing a bank"

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand

Quack

What do you called a duck that’s a drug addict

A Quack Head

I'm always amazed at the wonders of nature and how in tune they are with the Earth itself. For example, when ducks fly in V-formation, do you know why one side is often longer than the other?

Its because that side has more ducks in it.

What do you call a duck that went to medical school?

A DUCKtor

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What do you get if you cross a frog, a duck, an elephant, and a rhino?

Fuck if I know.

A duck waddled into a country grocery store and asked the clerk; "Do you sell duck food?".

"Of course not," replied the clerk, "We sell groceries to humans, not ducks."

The next day, the duck returned and asked again, "Do you sell duck food?"

Annoyed, the clerk snapped, "No! No duck food!"

When the duck returned the next day and posed the same question, the clerk thre...

What does a duck and a tricycle have in common?

They both have handlebars except the duck.

Why did the duck go to drug dealer

Quack

(Yea I know it’s terrible but I’m at the park and I just saw some ducks, so yea)

What sound does an odd duck make?

Quirk quirk

If James Bond were a Duck...

...he’d live in the James Pond.

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What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer should?

Stick it's bill up it's arse

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and s...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Three ducks went to court after being arrested

When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?"

The duck responds, "Quack."

And what did you get arrested for?

The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.

The judge calls upon the second duck, an...

what do farmers say when they let geese and ducks out?

release the quacken!

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A guy walks into a bar carrying 3 ducks......

He has one duck in his left hand, one in his right hand and one under his left arm. The bar is very empty and he is the only patron. He sits down sets his ducks on the bar and has a few drinks. The bartender doesn't say anything because he would rather a weird customer with ducks than no customers a...

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A guy walks in with a duck under his arm...

He sees his wife sitting at the kitchen table. The guy says, "Here's the pig I've been fucking all week". The wife looks at him and says, "That's not a pig, it's a duck". The guy yells in response, "I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!"

Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a day

Teach a man to duck, and he'll stop walking into bars

I was walking home from work today when I saw a duck on the street.

The duck looked lost so I picked it up and carried it back to my house.

When we arrived home we where met by my wife who glared and with angry tone asked "what are you doing with that pig?"

I said "dear it's a duck actually"

She said "I was speaking to the duck"

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Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building

That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud.
So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man:
"Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?"
So Mike does. That night the young coup...

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A hunter shoots a duck and the duck falls dead on Aboriginal territory.

The Hunter goes to get it, and an Aboriginal man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the Aboriginal says, "We have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns k...

what do ducks eat?

quackers

I went to the Doctors and told him kept hallucinating and seeing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck and their pals.....

The Doc said not to worry...you're just having Disney spells...

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A hunter shoots a duck and it falls on First Nations land...

The Hunter goes to get it, and a native man stops him. "This duck is on my land, so it's mine."

The hunter argues that he shot it, so it's his.

They go back and forth for some time, and finally the native says, "My people have a tradition here for settling disputes - we take turns kick...

Three Ducks Go to Heaven

Okay, three ducks die and go to heaven. Gabriel is at the gate and he tells the ducks, "Tell me, honestly, how you died, and I'll let you into heaven."
So the first duck goes, "Well, my name's Quack and I was watching my friend blow bubbles underwater when a jet ski came by and hit me in the head...

What did the duck say when it swam into a wall?

Dam.

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar. He pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.

The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays pia...

Beyonce was just telling me the best way to source product for my new pillow-making side-hustle. I was very surprised when she suggested punching a duck in the face.

I replied - I didn't know you could get down like that.

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