A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

There is only one thing I don’t like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant

The bill

Do you know why the duck went to narcotics anonymous?

He had a quack addiction.

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?

The outside.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Father gives his son a lucky duck

A young man is celebrating his 18th birthday, when his dad comes over and tells him. "Since it's your 18th birthday, and we don't have much money, I want to give you this lucky duck. Go out and have a good time"

The young man, is a little sad, but accepts the present. Being a virgin he wanted...

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

It’s a furry, cuz ducks shouldn’t be talking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do ducks have feathers?

To hide their butt quacks

A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm...

He looks at his wife and says "that's the pig I've been telling you about"


For the wife to respond "Deer, that's a duck."


The farmer cuts back "I was talking to the duck."

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peking duck

A man walks into a restaurant and orders Peking duck. He says, “I’m very particular so make sure it’s from Peking.”

About 20 minutes later the waiter returns and places a beautiful, succulent, roasted duck on his table. The man smiles, sticks his index finger in the air, twirls it around seve...

What do you call evil duck rituals?

Fowl practices!

Why did the police man arrest the duck.

Because he was selling quack.

What’s a duck’s favorite drug?

Quack

A duck goes into a store and waddles up to the manager.

He asks him if he sells duck food. The manager tells him no. The duck then leaves.

The next day the duck returns and asks the same question again. The manager still doesn’t sells duck food. The duck leaves.

The following day the duck returns again and asks the same question. The mana...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A resident of Stockholm goes to the countryside to hunt ducks.

When he sees a duck, he takes aim and shoots. But the bird falls on a farmer's farm, and he won't hand over the prey. "That's my bird," the townsman insists on his right. The farmer suggests settling the dispute with a kick in the abdomen, as is customary in the countryside. "Whoever yells less gets...

A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by

A chicken walks up and says, "don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."

3 Ducks Walk into a Bar ...

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

“Huey,” was the reply.

“How’s your day been Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

What else could a duck want?” said Huey

“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartende...

A duck walks into a bar

Got any bread?

No

Got any bread?

No

Got any bread?

No, and if you ask me that again I'll nail your beak to the bar!!

Got any nails?

No!

Got any bread?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't step on the ducks!

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and a...

Why did the FBI investigate the duck?

He was a known quack dealer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a guy comes home real drunk with a duck under his arm at 3 AM.

His wife meets him at the door. The drunk says "This is the pig that I fuck." She says "That's a duck, not a pig, you moron." He says "Shut up! I wasn't talking to you."

What do you get when you mix a duck and a cow?

Milk and quackers

What would a duck do if it was trapped in a car?

It would quack the window

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant, thinking about how duckling means little duck.

So, I canceled my order of dumplings.

What do ducks make on cindo de Mayo?

Quackamole...?!

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck

So they put the meal on the duck's bill.

A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey...

got any Snapes?”

What do you call a duck inside a glacier?

A quack in the ice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

What do you call a gluten intolerant duck?

Coeliquack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A muffin and a duck are sitting in an oven...

A muffin and a duck are sitting in an oven.

The muffin says, "Is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

The duck says, "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"

Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine

They always turn out to be quacks.

What do you call a duck that steals the letters A, E, I, O, and U?

A foul vowel fowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the duck go the the beautician before his big date?

To wax out his butt quack


Hahahahahahaha

Ducks

What is impossible to witness among ducks?

A pair-o'-ducks

Donald Duck calls concierge

and says “can you thend up thome condomths to my room" and concierge said "want me to put it on your bill?" and Donald said "are you thucking thtupid I'll thuffocate"

My 6 year old daughter came up with this joke. What is a duck's favorite sea monster?

A Quacken

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich

Barman: You’re a duck and you can talk?!

Duck: Quite observant I see, Don’t worry I can pay.

Barman: I’m terribly sorry if I offended you, might I ask, what brings you to a bar like this?

Duck: If you must know, I work on the construction site across the road, if you don’t mind ...

Theoretical duck

What did the duck say after it split the atom ?

Quark ! Quark !

What do you call ducks that have been a part of U.S. History?

The Bill Of Rights!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A duck walks into a pharmacy...

He approaches the pharmacist and says "I need some teylenol for my headache".

The pharmacist says "Are you paying with cash or card?".

The duck replies "Just put it on my bill".

So the duck goes back the next day approaching the counter and tells the pharmacist "I need some co...

What happens when a boat passes near a sleeping duck?

It's a wake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

People sometimes get upset if you shoot a duck. The duck is much less greasy. BUT MOST IMPORTANT Nobody ever complains about a duck's bill.

What did the duck say the first time he smoked crack?

Quack Quack Quack more QuackQuackQuackQuackQuack

A Hipster and a Duck

Part 1.
A hipster walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender goes “Hey, where did you get that?”
The duck goes “In Brooklyn, there’s thousands of them!”

Part 2
A hipster walks into a Brooklyn bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks “What can I do for you?”
The...

Duck Food

A guy walks into the pharmacy and approaches the pharmacist.

"Do you have any duck food?"

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't sell duck food."

The man leaves and returns the next day. Again, he asks:

"Do you have any duck food?"

"Uh, no, like I said yesterday, we don't carr...

Saw a sign at a farm that said, "duck, eggs."

I was contemplating the use of the comma when it hit me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Duck: how much for that dildo?

**me** *[holding a corkscrew]:* w-what?

What sound do Mexican ducks make?

Guac, guac, guac.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

Donald Duck has been hanged!

He is now in what we refer to as a state of suspended animation.

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Duck walks into a bar...

Duck : You got any bread?
Bartender : No, sorry, we don't sell bread.

\[After a few minutes...\]

Duck : You got any bread?
Bartender : Look, we don't have any bread.

\[In a little while...\]

Duck : You got any bread?
Bartender : We don't have any FUCKING...

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

A duck walked up to a pastry store

And he said to woman running the store

"Hey, got any bread?"

The woman said,

"No we just sell cakes. But they're warm and they're fresh and they're all home-made. Can I get you a few?"

The duck said,

"Cake won't do."

Then he waddled away...

'Til the v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck rushes to the store because his date won't let him do the dirty deed without using a condom..

The duck realises he forgot his money, but the man at the store knows him so kindly offers him credit.

Man: "Should I put them on your bill?"

Duck: "Don't be a dickhead: I'll suffocate!"

2 ducks are in a bathtub. The first duck turns to the second and says "Hey, can you pass me the soap?" Duck two looks up and replies......

"What do I look like? A radio?"

What sound does a duck addicted to drugs make?

Crack!

Did you hear about the duck that got arrested?

He was caught smoking quack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex, intercourse and duck were sentenced to prison

Sex, intercourse and duck were sentenced to prison. The warder asked duck "I can see you're different from the new inmates, what was your offence?". Duck replied " I really don't know but I can bet I'm here because of autocorrect"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer buys a young rooster...

As soon as he gets it home, the rooster fucks all the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the rooster screws all 150 hens again.

The next day, the rooster fucks the ducks and the geese. Sadly, later that day, the farmer finds the rooster laying on the ground half-dead with ...

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a duck walks into a bar...

So a duck walks into a bar a says, "hey can I get a beer?". Bartender says "holy shit a talking duck"

Duck: look man I've been doing construction all day and I really just want a beer

Bartender: you should join the circus, you'd make a killing

Duck: what the fuck is the circus g...

A couple ducks are floating on a pond, and one of them goes, “Quack!”

The other duck looks over and says, “Wow, I was just gonna say that!”

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm.

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm. The farmer comes out to stop the hunter getting the duck since it’s on his farm. The hunter asks politely and the farmer caves in but with 1 exception. The three kick rule. Each person can kick the other 3 times each turn. Whoever gives up or leaves i...

I developed a new crunchy snack made out of duck bills.

I call them Quackers.

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink, and asks for the check.

Duck Billed Platypus.

So I looked up Donald Duck, and I have bad news.

He's on quack now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man sitting on his porch sees a boy walking down the street with several rolls of duck tape. The old man says "BOY! WHATCHU DOING WITH ALL THAT DUCK TAPE"

The boy says "well old man I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old man says: "Boy you ain't gonna catch no ducks with no duck tape!"
The boy keeps walking and says "yeah we will see old man"
Later the boy walks by again with a bundle of ducks wrapped up in the tape and the old man says "B...

Why Did The Duck Cross the Road?

Because we were out of chicken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a 18 year old kid takes his duck to a prostitute.

He asked her if she would take his duck as payment. She says yes and they proceed.

Afterwards she says, "Wow that was the best I ever had, I tell you what if you do that again, ill give you your duck back for free."

So him and his duck are walking back home feeling good about everythi...

A duck gets in trouble for blowing bubbles in the pond.

A flock of ducks are in a pond.
One day, a particular duck, whom we’ll call Quack, found himself upset over seeing another duck blowing bubbles in the pond.
So upset, in fact, he decides to take the duck (whose name was Waddle) to court.

Once in court, the duck is is called to the duck...

Ask someone: What sound does a dead duck make?

Then just stare at them silently until they get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the duck wear pants?

To cover his butt-quack!

I saw two ducks getting arrested. I asked the police officer why were they arresting them?

He told me that they were selling quack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

What language do ducks speak

Portugeese

Doctor! Doctor! I think my duck is turning French.

Doctor: That's okay, you can'ardly tell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The stubborn duck

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any coffee?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell coffee. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any coffee?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the b...

I adopted a duck with a substance abuse problem.

He’s addicted to quack.

Autocorrect keeps ducking up my joke every time I try to type it here for all of you.

Is it because of the fowl language?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fucked up duck

So a boys mother asks him to take one of the ducks from the farm to town to sell at market. the boy agrees and goes out and picks the biggest duck from the farm and heads to town. When he gets to town he is walking down the street and a lady see the duck and says I’ll give you a fuck for the duck, t...

Conspiracy theorists are like, “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...”

It’s a government surveillance drone.

A duck walks into a store

“Got any duct tape?”

The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”

The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”

“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.

A while later, the duck comes back wit...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer

Get a large jar, place the duck in it and fill it up with vinegar. Then wait until it’s Bill Withers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charles the duck was sitting by the muddy edge of the pond.

Suddenly a female duck fell out of the sky and landed head first into the mud with her rear sticking up. Another nearby duck, thinking he had won the lottery, quickly mounted the female, but she reared up and threw him off forcefully.

It was a Chuck duck cuck muck luck fuck buck.

I brought a gun. He brought an army of ducks.

At this point it's just fowl play.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

A duck walks into a bar

The barman shouts “Duck!”
But it was too late, he’d already hit his head on the bar.

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything abo...

3 ducks appear in court

Duck (a) stands in front of the judge .. as the judge looks down he asks ... Do you know why you're here ? ... Yes replied the duck .. I was blowing bubbles in the park and the next thing I know I'm getting arrested .. the judge looks shocked and drops all charges

Duck (b) gets called to the...

I heard this great joke in Nevada once... what did the dog say to the duck

I’ll let you know next week

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a chicken and a duck laid an egg that hatched

Would the offspring be called a Cuck or a Dick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich

The bartender says "wow, you don't see that every day! Man, what's your story?"

Th duck says "I'm a welder at the construction site across the street. I'll be here for a few months while we finish the building," and picks up his newspaper and starts reading. The bartender obviously wants to c...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.