I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

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So a duck walks into a bar...

So a duck walks into a bar a says, "hey can I get a beer?". Bartender says "holy shit a talking duck"

Duck: look man I've been doing construction all day and I really just want a beer

Bartender: you should join the circus, you'd make a killing

Duck: what the fuck is the circus g...

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Got any bread?”

The Bartender says “No”


The duck asks again, “Got any bread?”
Again the Bartender says “No”


On and on
“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“G...

why did the ducks get arrested?

they sold quack

Why did the duck cross the road

To score some quack

How do ducks fly in Egypt?

They flock like an Egyptian.

A duck was standing by the road

A chicken walked up and said don’t do it. You will never hear the end of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack

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If tofurkey was made with duck, would it be called

tofucky?

A duck walks into a store

“Got any duct tape?”

The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”

The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”

“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.

A while later, the duck comes back wit...

What time does a duck wake up?

The quack of dawn.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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A husband comes home with a duck under his arm and looks at his wife

Husband: "This is the pig I've been having sex with."

Wife: "That's not a pig, it's a duck."

Husband: "I was talking to the duck."

I heard a man yelling ‘DUCK, DUCK!’

Whatever he was talking about went right over my head

3 ducks appear in court

Duck (a) stands in front of the judge .. as the judge looks down he asks ... Do you know why you're here ? ... Yes replied the duck .. I was blowing bubbles in the park and the next thing I know I'm getting arrested .. the judge looks shocked and drops all charges

Duck (b) gets called to the...

After a long day of duck hunting I was famished... so I decided to sit down, put my feet up, and have my favorite snack...

Cheese and quackers.

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its hea...

The duck was singing on the street for money

He got fined for selling quack.

He got an extra fine for using fowl language.

He said put the charges on my bill.

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck, finishes his drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

Conspiracy theorists are like, “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...”

It’s a government surveillance drone.

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a shot of tequila. The bartender asks, “Should I put it on your tab?”

The duck goes, “no put it on my bill.”

Buddy Hackett's Duck Joke

A stock broker from New York went out on his first hunting trip alone. After four days in the cold and wet marsh, and after a dozen tries, he finally shot a duck. The duck spiraled down, and landed in a nearby farm.

The new hunter climbed the farm fence, and the farmer came out with a loade...

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

A duck goes in front of the judge. The judge asks the duck "what are you here for?"

Judge-what are you here for?

Duck- they caught me blowing bubbles in the lake.

Judge- thats stupid! Case dismissed.

*Another duck goes in front of the judge.*

Judge- what are you here for?

Duck- they caught me blowing bubbles in the lake.

Judge- thats stupi...

Duck upsets Bartender

A Duck walks into a bar.
He goes up to the bartender and asks: “Got any bread?”
Bartender says: “No, sorry. I don’t have bread.”
Duck walks out of the bar.
The next day, the Duck walks back into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks: “Got any bread?”
Bartender says: “Ugh, no, I...

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Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

A priest, rabbi and a duck walk into a bar...

The bartender sees them and says, “what is this? Some kind of joke?”

Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we’re making out and the male duck said “I forgot to bring any condoms!” So he phones reception to see if they can help out. “Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill?”...

“No way! If you did that I’d suffocate!”

What kind of drugs do ducks take ?

Quack

What do you call a crate full of ducks?

A box of quackers

A duck walks into a bar....

He orders a few items from the menu, and decides on what he wants. After awhile the barkeep brings the food to the counter and the duck begins eating.


When the duck gets done, the barkeep asks the duck: How you wanna pay for this today?


The duck says: Put it all on my bi...

Do you know who lives in the bad part of Duck Town?

Quackheads

this guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a duck on his head

psychiatrist says “can i help you?” the duck says “yeah, get this guy off my ass!”

What does a Mexican Duck say?

Guac Guac.

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

A duck walks into a grocery store...

The duck says to the cashier, "Excuse me sir, do you have any duct tape?"

The cashier responds, "Sorry, we don't carry duct tape."

The duck leaves, comes back a little later, approaches the same cashier and asks, "Do you have any duct tape?"

The cashier replies, "Are you deaf? N...

3 ducks are in a courtroom

The judge calls up the first duck and says “state your name and what you did” and the first duck says “my name is Quack and I blew bubbles in the pond” the judge says “Okay Quack 6 months in jail” judge calls up the second duck and says the same thing. Second duck says “my name is Quack Quack and I ...

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

What's a duck's favorite drug?

Quack.

A duck and a skunk were running and they fell.

Both go unconscious and forget who they are. So, the skunk, goes "I'll describe you so you know what you are: you have wings to fly and legs to swim."

\-"I'm a duck! Great, now you. You have a black line in the middle of your body, and you smell like death."

\-"I'm an ass!"

A Duck with two broken wings walks into a bar and orders a big take out of beer and wine. The Barman, puzzled, said " How are supposed to carry this load and pay for it ? " The Duck said..

...Put them on my Bill.

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What do you call a duck without a nose?

A duck. They don’t have noses. They have beaks.

What do you call a dog without a nose?




Whatever his name is. Don’t be a jerk and call him names because he has no nose.

Why did the duck become broke and homeless?

Because he smoked to much quack

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Donald Duck is at a Disney convention and gets lucky with a groupie.

When they get back to his hotel room, she says, "I think we should practise safe sex - do you have any, you know...?" and he says "No problem," and picks up the phone to call reception.

"Don here," he says. "Send a bellhop up here with a condom, would you?"

"No problem, Mr Duck," says ...

I used to own a duck farm

But I had to sell it.

It was driving me quackers

A duck waddles into the drug store and says, “Sorry, I don’t have my wallet today but I need to buy a condom.” The pharmacist says, “No problem. Shall I just put it on your bill?”

The duck exclaims, “Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?”

3 Men die and go to Heaven.... And there are ducks everywhere

Saint Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"

The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Pe...

What do you call a duck with no bill?

A Noble duck :)

A man walks into a doctor's office with a duck standing on his head

The doctor said - "how did this happen?"

"I'm not sure. It started a couple weeks ago as a growth on my foot," says the duck.

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The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

Why was the duck arrested?

Selling quack.

Why was the teacher arrested?
For doing math.

Why was the poet arrested?
For using heroines.

Then the duck walked up to the lemonade stand and says to the man running, “hey” (bom bom bom)

“you never expect the spanish inquisition“

Did you hear about the duck that was a doctor?

He's a quack.

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I m...

Duck walks into a drug store...

Duck asks, "please, can I have some chap stick?" Clerk asks, "will this be cash or charge?'.

Duck replies, "just put it on my bill".

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender asks how he’d like to pay. “You know that I’m running a tab. Sometimes it feels so long, written on the inner edges of my spirit, an itemized list of each moral failing, each successive regression.” The bartender snickers, “You mean your bill?” The duck refrains from weeping.

If it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck...

It's probably just my dad getting out that tricky fart.

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "Hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " I'm going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " You can't catch ducks with that". The boy said "Watch me old man".
...

A Duck was sitting on the side of the road, thinking about crossing it..

A chicken walks up to him and says, “don’t even think about it mate. You’ll never hear the end of it”

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

What do a duck and a tricycle have in common?

They both have handlebars, except for the duck.

What noise does a subatomic duck make?

Quark

Duck hunting...

Two duck hunters and their dogs aren't having any luck.
One turns to the other and says,
"Maybe we aren't throwing the dogs high enough."

A Duck Walked Into A Bar

“Ow!”

Why should you never order chicken or duck on a first date?

Because no one wants to kiss someone with fowl breath!

What is a ducks favourite drug?

Qrack.

What do you call a duck that can see the future?

Clairbuoyant.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out bushfires.

Why do elephants have big feet?

...















To stamp out burning ducks

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Did you know there is a type of duck that dies after having sex for the first time?

.
.
.
At least the one I fucked did.

Four ducks are in court for fighting in the park

Judge: You, first duck, what's your name

Duck1: Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck: I was just blowing bubbles.

Judge: Okay, that's cool...You, second duck, what's your name?

Duck2: Duck Duck.

Judge: And what were you doing?

Duck Duck: I was j...

A duck walks into a farmers market.

“Do you have corn?” The duck asks.
“No, unfortunately not” the worker replied.

The next day the duck is back.
“Do you have corn?” Asks the duck once again.
“No. We don’t” the worker says.

The third day the duck is back yet again.
“Do you have corn?” It asks.
“No! We don’...

3 ducks get arrested and have to go before a judge

The judge calls on the first duck. “State your name and tell me why you were arrested.”

Duck 1: “my name is Quack and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the park”

The judge, a little annoyed, says, “That’s not a crime! You shouldn’t be here. You are free to go. Next!”

Duck 2 ...

Two ducks walk into a bar and are immediately asked to leave

It was a crow bar.

What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!"

They told me I'm not to use fowl language

Donald Duck was walking trough Mario's castle

When He saw the princess He said:

Hi Daisy!

To wich She replied:

I'm Peach Donald.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man sitting on his porch sees a boy walking down the street with several rolls of duck tape. The old man says "BOY! WHATCHU DOING WITH ALL THAT DUCK TAPE"

The boy says "well old man I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old man says: "Boy you ain't gonna catch no ducks with no duck tape!"
The boy keeps walking and says "yeah we will see old man"
Later the boy walks by again with a bundle of ducks wrapped up in the tape and the old man says "B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do ducks wear underwear?

To hide their butt-quack.

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm.



He walks up to his wife with it and says, "This is the pig I've been f\*cking'." His wife says, "That's a duck." He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you."...

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

What happens when a duck changes from liquid to solid state?

It Quackulates!!

Why can't you trust a duck with bomb defusal?

They quack under pressure.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

A man goes out shooting ducks.

He shoots a few, picks them up in his sack, and begins to walk home to pluck them. On his way home, he passes the local pub. From inside, a friend of his calls his name. He goes inside, they talk for a while, have a few beers, then his friend asks, "so whatcha got in ya sack, mate?" The man replies ...

Donald duck walks into a bar...

Donald duck walks into a bar to escape the rain and orders a shot of wild Turkey. The bartender hands him his shot and Sparks up a conversation with the duck.
"Hi Mr duck how is your day going," asks the bartender?
"Oh I'm doing good bartender. I'm in and out of puddles all day and living the ...

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