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Duck Jokes

A cop arrests 3 ducks who were in the pond late at night.

He asks the first one: “What are you doing in the pond so late?” First duck replies “Blowing bubbles.” The cop rolls his eyes and asks the second duck: “And what were you doing in the pond so late?” The second duck answers: “Blowing bubbles.” He turns to the third duck: “And what were you doing? Lem...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Ce...

A duck walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and asks

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No, and if you ask again, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

"Got any nails?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

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It's okay if your phone autocorrects 'fuck' to 'duck.'

You're still using fowl language.

How do you know if a duck is a soul singer?

Throw it in the microwave and see if it's Bill Withers

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

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After years of research and experimentations, a Generic Engineering Biologist was able to make a perfectly healthy Hybrid between a Fish and Duck.

The only problem left to be solved now for him is:

Whether to name it a Dish or a Fuck?

A Duck Walks Into A Drugstore...

and says, "I'd like some Chapstick". The pharmacist says, "That'll be $3.99". The duck responds, "Put it on my bill".

What did the duck shout in the church?

Get to the daily bread!

What do rude French ducks say instead of “pardon”?

Quoi quoi qoui

What part of a duck has the most feathers?

The outside!!

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A man comes home to his wife with a duck in his hands and says,

"Honey, this is the pig I've been fucking."

His wife responds, "That's a duck, not a pig."

The husband answers, "I wasn't talking to you."

What does a physicist duck say?

Quark

A duck walks into the drug store

A duck walks into the drug store and asks for a pack of condoms.

Druggist says: "would you like me to put that on your bill?"

Duck says: "nah, I'm not into that weird stuff".

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: “Is this Whiskey?”

Elmer says: “Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!”

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

Why was the duck arrested?

He was selling quack

A duck was waiting to cross the road, when a chicken came running up.

"Whatever you do, don't do it!" shouted the chicken. "You'll never hear the end of it!"

My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:

"Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"

"Erm, I don't know" I replied

"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing

"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"

"Donald Duck" I replied

"No, all ducks you idiot"

Two rednecks went out duck hunting

After several hours one said to the other "Hey man; this sucks! How come we aint gettin' any ducks?"

And the second said "I 'unno man, maybe we aint throwin' the dog high enough!"

Why do you duck when the ceiling is low?

So you don’t quack your head

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner…

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent and the deer didn’t have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

I tried to eat aromantic duck recently

But it said it just wanted to be friends

Do you know why Ducks have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out forest fires.

Do you know why elephants have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out flaming Ducks.

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What do you see when a duck bends over?

It’s butt quack.

My son is walking through the house, shouting “Duck! Duck! Duck!”

I told him to stop using fowl language.

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A man went duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his shotgun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was partly to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the birdshot...

How do ducks get high?

Quack Cocaine

A duck walks into a store...

He shouts at the proprietor, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor answers, "No, we don't."

The next day, the duck returns, and asks, "Hey! Got any duck food?"

The store proprietor says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck food. Now please leave."

The n...

Have you ever had duck eggs?

They're good for making quackers

Why are Ducks so likeable?

Because they're Suducktive

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A man was in love with his duck, and he took it to a movie with him one night.

The cashier said, ‘You can’t bring that duck in here’, so the man went around the corner and stuffed the duck down the front of his trousers, bought a ticket and went inside.
The duck started getting restless; so the man opened up his fly and let the duck’s head out. Well, next to the man was ...

Ducks have more rights than you think

They have a whole bill of them

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NSFW Jethro's mom told him to go sell a duck at the market

He met up with a prostitute who said she would let him screw her in return for the duck. So he did. He was so good that the hooker offered him the duck back if he did it again. So he did. As he came into town, a guy on a horse shouted "Look out!" and nearly ran Jethro over. Unfortunately, Jethr...

How does a duck carry his school books?

Bwack pwack

A duck, a deer and a giraffe walk into a bar.

They order three shots of whiskey. They drink those down and order three more. Again, they drink those down and then get up to leave.

Bartender says, "Someone has got to pay for those!"

Duck said, "I've only got a bill."

Deer says, "I've only a buck."

Giraffe goes, "...

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A duck walks into a bar...

... walks up to the bartender and asks "do you have any corn?"
The bartender says "nah we don't have any corn"
So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the same bar.
"Do you have any corn?"
" no we don't have any corn" says the bartender.
The duck walks out again.
T...

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Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

So there's this duck, trying to sell drugs to this horse

The duck hold out his wing and says: "Quack?" The horse shakes his head and says: "Neigh!"

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A duck walks into a psychiatrist's office...

He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually the duck says, "Quack."

"Get out of here!" yells the psychiatrist. "I won't be ridiculed in my office."

The duck travels to another psychiatrist's office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each...

A duck goes into a pharmacy

Duck goes intoa pharmacy. 'A tube of lipsol please.' 'Certainly, that will be fifty pence.' 'Put it on my bill, please.'

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A joke my nephew told me recently... Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their ass quack

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A man and his friends go duck hunting.

They’re sitting in a duck blind and huge flock flies over them. One of his friends yells “FIRE!”

The man takes his shotgun and hits a duck, but it lands on the roof of a barn. The man walks over to retrieve his duck and is met with a grumpy farmer.

The man says, “Hey me and my buddies...

How do ducks carry their beverages?

In a waddle bottle!

Three Ducks Were Swimming & Playing Near The Shore Of A Lake

A man approaches, and asks the first duck what his name is and what he is doing. The duck replies "My name is Raymond, and I'm going underwater and blowing bubbles!" The man asks the same of the second duck, and gets the response "My name is Nandy and I'm going underwater and blowing bubbles!" He as...

Two ducks walk into a bar…

Ok! Ok! They waddle. Geez!

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NSFW, A guy walks home with a duck under his arm.

He walks into the kitchen, and sees his wife sitting at the table.

He says, "I want to show you the pig I'm fucking".

Wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a duck."

Guy says, "I wasn't talking to you." '

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend

A duck had a $100 bet with his friend that he could touch the tip of his beak with the end of his foot. Certain that ducks aren’t built to do this kind of thing his friend takes the bet.

After several attempts, rolling around on the floor, flapping around and making a fool of himself, the duc...

An original joke from my 6 year old son

What do you call it when you mix a duck and a calculator?


A quackulator!

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What if iPhones auto-corrected duck instead of f*ck?

"I went to the park and fed some fucks by the pond today."

A man walks into a bar with a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist.

He sets the tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, "That's amazing, where did you get that?" The man replies, "There's a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish."

The bartender runs outside and sure enou...

I used to feed ducks everyday.

A big group of them, but there was always one that really stood out to me - he always had very rough feathers, always shaking with wide eyes and a chipped beak. Then one day I saw him huddled in a group with a couple other ducks that looked exactly the same, and they all had little packets of white ...

What do you call an exploding duck?

A fire quacker.

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

What do you get when you cross a duck with a small space

Sduck

An expectant father wants to call the local hospital to ask about his wife, who's in labour...

But in his haste, he accidentally calls the local cricket ground instead.

He asks about the situation, and the shock almost kills him.

"All is well, we've already got 3 out, there's another 7 to go, and we're hoping to be finished by lunchtime. Last one out was a duck."

(This...

A man walks into a bar …

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says

"It would have to be something spectacular to ...

My buddy recently said he has "big duck energy"

I told him he needed to lay off the quack...

A duck walks into a pub

And waddles up to the bar with a newspaper under his wing and says

"I'll take a tuna sandwich and a coffee."

Now at first the bartender was a little taken aback because afterall how often do you see a talking duck? But being a good host he obliges his patron and serves up a tuna san...

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A Duck Hunter gets stopped by a Game Warden

The Warden picks up a duck from his sack, sticks his finger in his butt then sniffs it, and says, "This duck is from Mississippi. You gotta license to hunt duck in Mississippi, son?" Yes Sir yes sir, here you go. (Hands him the license and he looks at it then hands it back) It all checked out. <...

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A bear, a mountain lion, and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “holy shit okay everyone stay calm, I’m calling animal control”

Why couldn't the duck make a cake?

He couldn't quack his eggs ... hehe

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A man walks into his home holding a duck by the neck

He looks at his wife and says, “Honey, here’s the pig I’ve been fuckin’”

Confused, she corrects him, “Sweetheart, that’s a duck”

“I wasn’t talking to you”

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

Two Scottish ducks were flying south..

The first duck says:
- Quack.

The second duck says:
- Am flyin as quack as I can!

What did the duck say to the phony doctor ?

"Quack!"

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Osho's duck joke

A farmer was dying and told his 3 sons his estate plan: whichever son sold a duck for the highest price would inherit the farm.

The first son sold a duck at market for $15.

The second sold his duck to a neighbor for $18.

The third son wandered along a road with his duck when a l...

When a gangster put out a hit on Daffy Duck, what was their one condition?

Just send me the bill.

God, creating ducks:

Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo.

Dance

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,00...

- What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck ?

Milk and quackers

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A duck had sex with a chicken as the rooster watched with great excitement.

This somehow managed to created a new species, which was named after the rooster. Scientist called this species the “Cuck”.

Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.

The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."

The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."

The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of t...

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

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A little boy sitting in an aeroplane looks out of the window and asks his mother...

"If big ducks have small ducklings and big cats have small kitties, why don't big planes have small planes?"

The exasperated mother tells her son to ask this question to an airhostess.

The boy calls for an airhostess and asks, "If big ducks have small ducklings and big cats have small ...

A friend of mine have been in a wheelchair all his life

Having tried everything available to try and walk he trying to me for help. As a man of religion, the only thing I could consider what’s the take him to Lourdes in France, and try the healing water is there.

As we looked on m, a blind man went into the waters and was dipped, when he came out,...

A man walks into a bar to drink his sorrows away

Upon getting seated he is met by the bartender who shows him a magical 12 inch box, seating inside is a magical man playing the most soul touching piece on a mini grand piano.

Curious he asks the bartender, "wow where did you get this? What even is this?" The bartender told him there's a gen...

There is only one thing I don’t like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant

The bill

Ducking the issue

Him: What kind of duck is that one over there?
Me: Eider, no?
Him: Me neither.

Yo mama so poor…

… that ducks throw bread at her.

When you said duck

I thought you meant the animal.

But then it hit me.

What noise does a quantum duck make?

Quark

Do you know why the duck went to narcotics anonymous?

He had a quack addiction.

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A farmer brought a chicken and a duck to the morning market

A buyer comes along and asks "how much for the chicken?"

The chicken replies "MORE THAN IT COSTS TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER FOR A NIGHT"

The buyer, understandably taken aback, asks the farmer what's up with the chicken.

The farmer replies: "Don't think too much of it. He's just fowl mo...

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A farmer walks into his house with a duck under one arm

He walks into the living room where his wife is sitting on the couch and says “this is the pig I fuck when you’re not around.”
His wife says “You stupid bastard. That’s a duck, not a pig!”
The farmer says “I know. I was talking to the duck!

There. Fixed it.

A duck walks into a bar

The barman says "Good morning, whats your name?"
The Duck responds "Good morning, My name is Dewie"
The barman asks, "How has your day been?" As he pours the duck a drink
The duck responds "Great, ive been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
The barman replies "Q...

A duck walks into a bar.

And cheerfully asks the bartender:

Duck: Got any fish?

Bartender: Err...fish? No, this is a bar, dude.

Duck walks out disappointed but comes back after a short while.

Duck: Got any fish?

Bartender: No. I already told you. This is a bar.

The duck, clearly dis...

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Duck joke. Yes another one.

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman is amazed by a speaking duck and discovers the duck is in town for a few weeks working on a local building site. Over a week they become good friends.

One day a travelling circus get into town and the owner also comes into the bar for a dri...

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Old country road

A young man walks down country road every day by an old man and his banjo sitting on his porch.

Walking down the country road on his first day of summer, he was carrying chicken wire. The old man asked, “hey boi, where ye goin with that there chicken wire” To which the boy replied, “I’m goin...

~11 year old joke, but I still think it's funny: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

*"DUCK!!"*

A man went to a psychiatrist

He said "Doctor, I need help. Some mornings I wake up convinced I'm Mickey Mouse. Other days, I feel like Donald Duck."

The psychiatrist said "Interesting. How long have you been having these Disney spells?"

Two ducks were sitting in a pond

one of the ducks said: “Quack.” The other duck said: “I was going to say that!”

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

What did the duck say to the Mad Scientist?

It worked!

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Ruffling some feathers.

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.

After seeing th...

what do you get if the duck comes late?

A sore head

I ordered giant duck at a fancy restraunt last night

The bill was huge!

Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a night.

Teach a man to duck, and he'll avoid low-flying objects.

Duck #1: "Quack."

Duck #2: "Quack."

Duck #3: "Quack, Quack."

Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.

Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"

Duck #1: "He knew too much."

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