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Citrus Jokes

Which citrus fruit can actually cut itself?

A lemon, because inside it’s a little emo.

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I had sex under a citrus fruit tree once.

It was fucking sublime.

I predict a surge in the popularity of small citrus fruit later in the year.

Kumquat May.

Did you hear about the citrus embezzling scandal?

They were liming their pockets.

I'm sticking with my citrus diet until June

Cumquat May.

What test do citrus lawyers have to pass to become certified?

The lemon bar.

How many citrus fruits does it take to kill a pirate?

None.

Why do people like r/citrus?

It's sublime

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Two promiscuous citrus fruits have unprotected sex

They get lemon-aids

So this guy walked up to me holding a small citrus fruit in his hand...

He said “Nǐ hǎo, nǐ hǎo ma?”

I said, “Is that a kumquat?”

He said, “Nah, it’s just a little mandarin”

I have pretty strong opinions about citrus

I find the taste of lemons to be quite sublime

I once knew a rapper who used cannabis infused citrus as chewing tobacco

He spat some dope limes

Why does the yogi always meditate under the citrus tree?

It's a sublime spot

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What did the avocado say to the orange after the orange told him to citrus ass down?

You aren't my mom, you don't know me until you guacamile in my shoes!

If I had to smell like two things for the rest of my life, I'd pick lavender and citrus.

But that's just my two scents.

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

What do you call assistants that help citrus fruit?

Lemonade.

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An Australian citrus farmer stores his family's urine for his trees

He does this to produce juicier fruit.

One morning he noticed 80% of his urine supply had gone missing. He tried to claim the loss on his insurance. The claim was rejected because they thought he was taking the piss.

Literary historians recently found a Briton recipe for a citrus-based sauce translated by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

It was called the 'Lime of the Ancient Marinade'

My roommates have very strong opinions about lemons

One says lemons are the worst type of citrus.

One says lemons are the absolute best.

Both call them "sublime."

I've found that I'm a lot happier

Since I switched from coffee to orange juice in the mornings. My doctor said it's because of the citrus and natural sugars. I think it's just the vodka.

A Punny Punderwater Joke

What do you call an underwater citrus?



Sublime.

What’s the difference between Mandarin and Chinese?

Only one of them tastes like a citrus.

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How do you give a lemon an orgasm?

You tickle it's citrus.

What do you call a group of religious oranges?

Jehovah's citruses.

Sherlock Holmes and his trusty associate Dr. John Watson are strolling leisurely through London's botanical gardens. (OC)

They are investigating the mysterious disappearance of a botanist who specialized in arboreal citrus.

Watson squints, focusing his gaze on something across the gardens. He gasps in surprise and grabs Sherlock's arm. He points at the thing that has captivated his attention and asks "Sherlock, ...

Rusted braces...

A man returned for the third time to the dentist to get his dental braces replaced due to corrosion.

The dentist asked if he ate a highly acid diet, or was fond of citrus, etc.

The man replied that his wife made an excellent hollandaise sauce that was so good he put it on just about ev...

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

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Israeli Hell

A person dies and is judged for his sins.

“Well,” says the angel, “Sorry, dude, but you are going to hell. But as a bonus for not being a complete putz, you are granted the choice to which hell to go. Your options are: the Soviet hell, the Nazi hell or the Israeli hell.”

The sinner thi...

Ron, an elderly man in Florida...

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on th...

Three men are looking for somewhere to have a drink.

There are three beverage stands. The lemonade stand, the iced tea stand, and the fruit punch stand. As it’s a hot summer day, the men agree to quench their thirst and decide which stand to go to.

The first man says to the other two, “Because I’m thirsty and behind on my citrus intake, I’ll be...

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