UPJOKE
insectlarvaspeciesweevilfireflyexoskeletonground beetlemandibleladybugantennarove beetlewaspfungusgrasshoppermoth

What do you call two beetle babies fighting over milk bottles?

A beetle bottle battle.

I answered my front door this morning and was punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle.

That must have been the nasty bug that's going around.

A man opens the bonnet of his VW Beetle. His jaw drops - "Oh my god, someone stole my engine!"

Then he goes round the back and opens the trunk. "Phew, thankfully I have a spare."

A beetle ran up my leg, so I

let it be.

[Long] One day a Snail decides he’s moving a little too slow..

… so he decides it’s time to get a car. He doesn’t have a lot of money so he buys a used French sedan. The snail is so impressed how fast he gets around town.

From place to place he wizzes by this slug, beetle and worm friends. While that car isn’t a racer by any means, the snail doesn’t kno...

A dung beetle goes into a bar...

He doesn't order a drink. He just takes a stool.

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2 dung beetles meet

1st one asks; “How’s it going?”
2nd replies; “Same shit, different day.”

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A bartender said loudly, "Look at this fine piece of shit that just rolled in."

"Thank you," replied the dung beetle.

Myrtle and the Beetle

Myrtle is driving her Volkswagon Beetle down the road and sees another little old lady, also with a Beetle, pulled over with the hazards on. Myrtle pulls over and asks, "Is everything ok?"

The other lady replies, "My darn Beetle has broken down. I popped the bonnet and it looks like the whole...

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck...

The truck drives over a hump, the load is shifted and a huge pink dildo falls out, bounces on the road and straight into the windshield of the car, off the hood and into the side of the road.

Shaken, the little girl in the back says "what was that??"

Mom says "Oh, that was just a beetl...

A snail saw a slug looking sad whilst watching a couple of beetles scurrying about having fun.

"What's up mate, life in the slow lane getting you down?", asked the snail.

The slug just looked at him and replied, "No. Surely it's obvious why I'm so down? I've had my home repossessed!"

I put Truck Nuts on my fleet of Volkswagen Beetles

And now I have genital Herbies.

What do you call a Mexican beetle

Gringo Star

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

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Never ask a dung beetle to help you with anything.

They have enough shit to deal with.

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Thats a Bug

\*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*


Other Scientist: fine whatever

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What do you call getting a hand job in a Volkswagen Beetle?

A Herbie Hancock

Biologists say Beetles have 6 legs.

They forgot about Ringo.

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Why did the Dung Beetle quit work?

He was all pooped out!

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So a Volkswagen Beetle meets a tank.

Tank: "What moron designed you? Your heart is in your ass!"

Beetle: "Look who's talking, dickhead!"

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Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

A brunette, a ginger and a blond were driving a beetlein a desert...

Suddenly, the beetle breaks. Each one of them starts gathering things to survive.

The brunette takes the water bottles and says: "I've taken the water so that, when we are thirst, we can drink".

The ginger takes a portable fan and says: "I've taken this small fan so we can cool ourselv...

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Do you think only sadists drive VW Beetles?

Just to drive around and watch strangers punch each other.

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One dung beetle walks into a bar and nobody cares...

A hundred dung beetles walk into a bar and everyone loses their shit.

A woman’s VW Beetle breaks down

She stops at the side of the road and doesn’t know what to do.

She has no phone signal, and doesn’t see any cars. She feels stranded.

20 minutes later she sees a car in a distance! ...but it doesn’t stop.

Neither does the next one. She’s distraught.

Then after much wait...

What is one of the longest living species of beetle?

Paul McCartney

So this guy goes to a confectioner... (long)

(A confectioner makes objects out of candy or chocolate, in case you didn't know)

So this guy goes to a confectioner, placing an order for a VW Beetle made from chocolate. Scale, 1:32

"That won't be cheap" the confectioner says. "Money's no issue" the customer replies. "And it'll take ...

What's got two legs and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

Why are beetles not in church?

Because they are in sects

Since Volkswagen is discontinuing the beetle...

Maybe my dad will stop punching me all the time.

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The Blue Whale's Testicles are the size of Volkswagen Beetles.

That's nuts.

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Two dung beetles go out for lunch

They went into a restaurant and came out five minutes later.

They went into another place and as they're eating, one says "this is good shit"!

The other replies, "yeah, that last place was crap".

Have you heard of the Tic-Tac-Toe Beetle?

It has an X-O-skeleton.

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Why are dung beetles so patient?

They're used to dealing with your shit

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IDK why some people find dung beetles repulsive. They build their own houses, they work for their food, they don't bother anybody

Seems to me like they really have their shit together

I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle...

..it became herby.

Why can't Africa have Volkswagen beetles?

Because an elephant will screw anything with a trunk in the front.

Thanks to a random guy outside of a 7/11.

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What is the difference between a dung beetle and Hitler?

One spreads disgusting shit, the other one collects it.

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I wish I were a beetle...

So that way when I'm neck deep in shit, I'll actually be enjoying myself.

What do you call a gang who drives around in Volkswagen Beetles ?

Thugbugs

Father buys a beetle farm for Jhonny one evening

Jhonny is so excited he keeps shouting "Beetle.. Beetle.. Beetle.." the entire night and next day. By evening next day the father is really irritated and says "BE SILENT!".

So Jhonny pauses for sometime and starts shouting "eetle.. eetle.. eetle.. "

Every year you swallow ten beetles in your sleep!

That's what my gastroentomologist told me.

Why did the dung beetle go to rehab?

He was rolling balls.

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This one is a long one I'm warning you,

I made this one myself

You have 500 bricks. If the co pilot throws one off a plane, how many will you have left? 499

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? you open the refrigerator door, put the elephant inside, and close the door!

How do you put a giraffe into a re...

A guy took his 1973 Volkswagen Beetle to a blond mechanic and said

"My engine is missing." The mechanic raised the hood and said "Oh wow, you're right! But how the heck did you drive it here?"

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What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

---------------

The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It’s mostly drum and bass.

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Why do we always see a Dung Beetle with a ball of shit?

Because that's how he rolls.

^^/groan

Don't Open The Door

The doorbell rings at Pete's place. When he opens the door, there's a large beetle standing in front of him.
The beetle pushes Peter so hard he falls and hits his head, requiring a trip to the hospital.
When Peter explains what happened to the Doctor, she says, "Ah, I'm not surprised, you'r...

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A dung Beatle walks into a bar and asks

Is this stool taken?

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.

They showed me a Volkswagen beetle.

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

What would it take to reunite the beetles?

Two bullets.

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have a Campari," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for...

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

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A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billi...

A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale...

A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale, and the buyer is looking at them.

"Well, this one is a fine 1951 Hudson Hornet," says the car salesman.

The buyer gasps, "A Hudson HORNET? Well, I wouldn't want to see a Hudson Wasp!"

The salesman brushes it off and shows him t...

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How does an elephant get in a tree?

A: By sitting on a sapling and waiting for the tree to grow underneath it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?

A: It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

Q: Why did the elephant fall from the tree?

A: It thought it was a leaf.

Q: Why did another elephant...

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

There are two cavemen sitting by a fire... [OC]

One is eating some bugs he found, and he says to the other, "You like beetles?"
and his friend says, "No, *CRUNCH CRUNCH*, me more of a stones guy."

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This guy walks into a Mercedes agency and asks for the top executive model.

Money is not an issue, but the car has to have everything installed. And he means EVERYTHING he is not joking. The company goes and install usb sockets for each passenger, a blue tooth operated coffee machine (with proper grinder, not that bullshit with capsules), a GPS tracking got each wheel and t...

The VW Genie

A man was driving his brand new Rolls Royce. At the signal this beaten up Beetle stops next to him, and tells him "Nice car! I'm willing to swap you with my car for a $1,000,000"
The rich guy looks at him and says "why would I want your car?"
At this point the VW's driver rubs the steering whe...

A blonde is driving along the highway ...

A blonde is driving along the highway in her Volkswagen Beetle when she sees another blonde on the side of the road standing at the front of another Beetle with the hood up.

Thinking that she may be able to help she pulls over and asks the other blonde what the problem is.

"Well I wa...

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A guy desperately needs to pee...

Some fella had an urge to take a whiz while walking down a street, since he could find no public bathroom he decided to take his chance and pee on the car tires of a parked VW Beetle while the coast was clear and no one was in sight. When he finished he noticed a beautiful 30 year old blonde had bee...

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To those of you who need help getting their shit together

...there's always the dung beetle.

The metamorphosis

One day, Franz Kafka's sister goes to wake her brother up only to discover that overnight, he has transformed into a giant hideous bug. Terrified, she calls out "Mother! Mother! Come quick. Look at what has happened to Franz!"

Her mother rushes to her son's bedroom only to see him transforme...

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"Getting real tired of your crap…"

Said no dung beetle ever.

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

Motorist help. (Long)

A man is standing on a Texas roadside with his broken VW Beetle.

A man in a Lamborghini pulls over and offers to help him. The Beetle owner agrees, and the guy from the Lambo tells him to flash his high beams if they are going too fast.

So they go. At some point, the Lambo+Beetle comb...

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