A man opens the bonnet of his VW Beetle. His jaw drops - "Oh my god, someone stole my engine!"

Then he goes round the back and opens the trunk. "Phew, thankfully I have a spare."

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks the bartender...

β€œExcuse me sir, is this stool taken?”

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So a Volkswagen Beetle meets a tank.

Tank: "What moron designed you? Your heart is in your ass!"

Beetle: "Look who's talking, dickhead!"

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Why did the Dung Beetle quit work?

He was all pooped out!

I put Truck Nuts on my fleet of Volkswagen Beetles

And now I have genital Herbies.

What do you call a Mexican beetle

Gringo Star

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A dung Beatle walks into a bar and asks

Is this stool taken?

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Never ask a dung beetle to help you with anything.

They have enough shit to deal with.

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Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

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What do you call getting a hand job in a Volkswagen Beetle?

A Herbie Hancock

Biologists say Beetles have 6 legs.

They forgot about Ringo.

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Just had a meeting with a emotionally unstable dung beetle yesterday

Said he had too much shit to deal with

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One dung beetle walks into a bar and nobody cares...

A hundred dung beetles walk into a bar and everyone loses their shit.

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Do you think only sadists drive VW Beetles?

Just to drive around and watch strangers punch each other.

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Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

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Two dung beetles go out for lunch

They went into a restaurant and came out five minutes later.

They went into another place and as they're eating, one says "this is good shit"!

The other replies, "yeah, that last place was crap".

Why are beetles not in church?

Because they are in sects

Have you heard of the Tic-Tac-Toe Beetle?

It has an X-O-skeleton.

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Why are dung beetles so patient?

They're used to dealing with your shit

What is one of the longest living species of beetle?

Paul McCartney

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The Blue Whale's Testicles are the size of Volkswagen Beetles.

That's nuts.

What's got two legs and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

Since Volkswagen is discontinuing the beetle...

Maybe my dad will stop punching me all the time.

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IDK why some people find dung beetles repulsive. They build their own houses, they work for their food, they don't bother anybody

Seems to me like they really have their shit together

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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

A guy took his 1973 Volkswagen Beetle to a blond mechanic and said

"My engine is missing." The mechanic raised the hood and said "Oh wow, you're right! But how the heck did you drive it here?"

A dung beetle goes for fast food...

Orders a Number 2

What do you call a gang who drives around in Volkswagen Beetles ?

Thugbugs

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I wish I were a beetle...

So that way when I'm neck deep in shit, I'll actually be enjoying myself.

What would it take to reunite the beetles?

Two bullets.

I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle...

..it became herby.

I heard a knock at the door the other day and when I answered it there was a 6 foot beetle standing there that just punched me straight in the face.

Apparently there's a nasty bug going around.

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What is the difference between a dung beetle and Hitler?

One spreads disgusting shit, the other one collects it.

Every year you swallow ten beetles in your sleep!

That's what my gastroentomologist told me.

Father buys a beetle farm for Jhonny one evening

Jhonny is so excited he keeps shouting "Beetle.. Beetle.. Beetle.." the entire night and next day. By evening next day the father is really irritated and says "BE SILENT!".

So Jhonny pauses for sometime and starts shouting "eetle.. eetle.. eetle.. "

Why did the dung beetle go to rehab?

He was rolling balls.

Why can't Africa have Volkswagen beetles?

Because an elephant will screw anything with a trunk in the front.

Thanks to a random guy outside of a 7/11.

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What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

---------------

The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It’s mostly drum and bass.

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How does an elephant get in a tree?

A: By sitting on a sapling and waiting for the tree to grow underneath it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?

A: It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

Q: Why did the elephant fall from the tree?

A: It thought it was a leaf.

Q: Why did another elephant...

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have a Campari," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for...

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Why do we always see a Dung Beetle with a ball of shit?

Because that's how he rolls.

^^/groan

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

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A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billi...

A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale...

A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale, and the buyer is looking at them.

"Well, this one is a fine 1951 Hudson Hornet," says the car salesman.

The buyer gasps, "A Hudson HORNET? Well, I wouldn't want to see a Hudson Wasp!"

The salesman brushes it off and shows him t...

A father and a son

one day were walking down a road when the little Johnny sees a beetle laying on the ground with his feet up and asks his father "Dad what's wrong with that beetle?", his dad tells him that the beetle has died and has his feet up because it will be easier for God to pick him up to the heaven when he ...

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This guy walks into a Mercedes agency and asks for the top executive model.

Money is not an issue, but the car has to have everything installed. And he means EVERYTHING he is not joking. The company goes and install usb sockets for each passenger, a blue tooth operated coffee machine (with proper grinder, not that bullshit with capsules), a GPS tracking got each wheel and t...

There are two cavemen sitting by a fire... [OC]

One is eating some bugs he found, and he says to the other, "You like beetles?"
and his friend says, "No, *CRUNCH CRUNCH*, me more of a stones guy."

A blonde is driving along the highway ...

A blonde is driving along the highway in her Volkswagen Beetle when she sees another blonde on the side of the road standing at the front of another Beetle with the hood up.

Thinking that she may be able to help she pulls over and asks the other blonde what the problem is.

"Well I wa...

The metamorphosis

One day, Franz Kafka's sister goes to wake her brother up only to discover that overnight, he has transformed into a giant hideous bug. Terrified, she calls out "Mother! Mother! Come quick. Look at what has happened to Franz!"

Her mother rushes to her son's bedroom only to see him transforme...

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

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To those of you who need help getting their shit together

...there's always the dung beetle.

Motorist help. (Long)

A man is standing on a Texas roadside with his broken VW Beetle.

A man in a Lamborghini pulls over and offers to help him. The Beetle owner agrees, and the guy from the Lambo tells him to flash his high beams if they are going too fast.

So they go. At some point, the Lambo+Beetle comb...

Yoko Ono is apparently being lined up to assist with the bush tucker trials in the I'm a Celebrity jungle.

After all she has been living off a dead beetle for the last 36 years.

The VW Genie

A man was driving his brand new Rolls Royce. At the signal this beaten up Beetle stops next to him, and tells him "Nice car! I'm willing to swap you with my car for a $1,000,000"
The rich guy looks at him and says "why would I want your car?"
At this point the VW's driver rubs the steering whe...

Waiter Jokes.

Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Gee...look's like it's doin' the backstroke.

Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Don't worry sir, we don't charge for extra ingredients.

Customer: Waiter, there's a DEMON in my soup.
Waiter: Well sir, you said y...

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"Getting real tired of your crap…"

Said no dung beetle ever.

A Banjo enthusiasts joke

Johnny proudly drove his new VW Beetle convertible into town and had his shiny banjo nestling in the back seat. He had walked half way around the block from the parked car when he realised that the sunny weather had prompted him to leave the hood down... with his banjo in the back.

He ran all...

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