A dung beetle goes into a bar...

He doesn't order a drink. He just takes a stool.

A man opens the bonnet of his VW Beetle. His jaw drops - "Oh my god, someone stole my engine!"

Then he goes round the back and opens the trunk. "Phew, thankfully I have a spare."

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

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2 dung beetles meet

1st one asks; “How’s it going?”
2nd replies; “Same shit, different day.”

So this guy goes to a confectioner... (long)

(A confectioner makes objects out of candy or chocolate, in case you didn't know)

So this guy goes to a confectioner, placing an order for a VW Beetle made from chocolate. Scale, 1:32

"That won't be cheap" the confectioner says. "Money's no issue" the customer replies. "And it'll take ...

Myrtle and the Beetle

Myrtle is driving her Volkswagon Beetle down the road and sees another little old lady, also with a Beetle, pulled over with the hazards on. Myrtle pulls over and asks, "Is everything ok?"

The other lady replies, "My darn Beetle has broken down. I popped the bonnet and it looks like the whole...

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What did the Dung Beetle say after a long day at work ?

I am getting real tired of this shit.

I put Truck Nuts on my fleet of Volkswagen Beetles

And now I have genital Herbies.

What do you call a Mexican beetle

Gringo Star

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What do you call getting a hand job in a Volkswagen Beetle?

A Herbie Hancock

A snail saw a slug looking sad whilst watching a couple of beetles scurrying about having fun.

"What's up mate, life in the slow lane getting you down?", asked the snail.

The slug just looked at him and replied, "No. Surely it's obvious why I'm so down? I've had my home repossessed!"

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Thats a Bug

\*\*Scientist: Dick Bug\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Penis Beetle\*\*


Other Scientist: no


\*\*Scientist: Cock Roach\*\*


Other Scientist: fine whatever

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Q: How much juice could a Beetlejuice juice if a Beetlejuice could juice beetles?

A: A Beetlejuice would j... ohhh shit

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Never ask a dung beetle to help you with anything.

They have enough shit to deal with.

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Do you think only sadists drive VW Beetles?

Just to drive around and watch strangers punch each other.

Biologists say Beetles have 6 legs.

They forgot about Ringo.

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So a Volkswagen Beetle meets a tank.

Tank: "What moron designed you? Your heart is in your ass!"

Beetle: "Look who's talking, dickhead!"

A woman’s VW Beetle breaks down

She stops at the side of the road and doesn’t know what to do.

She has no phone signal, and doesn’t see any cars. She feels stranded.

20 minutes later she sees a car in a distance! ...but it doesn’t stop.

Neither does the next one. She’s distraught.

Then after much wait...

What is one of the longest living species of beetle?

Paul McCartney

What's got two legs and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

Why are beetles not in church?

Because they are in sects

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One dung beetle walks into a bar and nobody cares...

A hundred dung beetles walk into a bar and everyone loses their shit.

Have you heard of the Tic-Tac-Toe Beetle?

It has an X-O-skeleton.

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The Blue Whale's Testicles are the size of Volkswagen Beetles.

That's nuts.

Since Volkswagen is discontinuing the beetle...

Maybe my dad will stop punching me all the time.

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IDK why some people find dung beetles repulsive. They build their own houses, they work for their food, they don't bother anybody

Seems to me like they really have their shit together

A dung beetle goes for fast food...

Orders a Number 2

Don't Open The Door

The doorbell rings at Pete's place. When he opens the door, there's a large beetle standing in front of him.
The beetle pushes Peter so hard he falls and hits his head, requiring a trip to the hospital.
When Peter explains what happened to the Doctor, she says, "Ah, I'm not surprised, you'r...

I put a lot of basil, parsley, rosemary and thyme in my old Volkswagen Beetle...

..it became herby.

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I wish I were a beetle...

So that way when I'm neck deep in shit, I'll actually be enjoying myself.

What do you call a gang who drives around in Volkswagen Beetles ?

Thugbugs

I heard a knock at the door the other day and when I answered it there was a 6 foot beetle standing there that just punched me straight in the face.

Apparently there's a nasty bug going around.

Why can't Africa have Volkswagen beetles?

Because an elephant will screw anything with a trunk in the front.

Thanks to a random guy outside of a 7/11.

A guy took his 1973 Volkswagen Beetle to a blond mechanic and said

"My engine is missing." The mechanic raised the hood and said "Oh wow, you're right! But how the heck did you drive it here?"

What would it take to reunite the beetles?

Two bullets.

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What is the difference between a dung beetle and Hitler?

One spreads disgusting shit, the other one collects it.

Every year you swallow ten beetles in your sleep!

That's what my gastroentomologist told me.

Father buys a beetle farm for Jhonny one evening

Jhonny is so excited he keeps shouting "Beetle.. Beetle.. Beetle.." the entire night and next day. By evening next day the father is really irritated and says "BE SILENT!".

So Jhonny pauses for sometime and starts shouting "eetle.. eetle.. eetle.. "

Why did the dung beetle go to rehab?

He was rolling balls.

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A dung Beatle walks into a bar and asks

Is this stool taken?

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.

They showed me a Volkswagen beetle.

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This one is a long one I'm warning you,

I made this one myself

You have 500 bricks. If the co pilot throws one off a plane, how many will you have left? 499

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? you open the refrigerator door, put the elephant inside, and close the door!

How do you put a giraffe into a re...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

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A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

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What’s yellow and lives off dead beetles?

Yoko Ono.

---------------

The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It’s mostly drum and bass.

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Why do we always see a Dung Beetle with a ball of shit?

Because that's how he rolls.

^^/groan

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How does an elephant get in a tree?

A: By sitting on a sapling and waiting for the tree to grow underneath it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?

A: It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

Q: Why did the elephant fall from the tree?

A: It thought it was a leaf.

Q: Why did another elephant...

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have a Campari," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for...

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

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A billionaire decides to build a palace

A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billi...

A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale...

A car salesman is showing some fine cars for sale, and the buyer is looking at them.

"Well, this one is a fine 1951 Hudson Hornet," says the car salesman.

The buyer gasps, "A Hudson HORNET? Well, I wouldn't want to see a Hudson Wasp!"

The salesman brushes it off and shows him t...

There are two cavemen sitting by a fire... [OC]

One is eating some bugs he found, and he says to the other, "You like beetles?"
and his friend says, "No, *CRUNCH CRUNCH*, me more of a stones guy."

A zombie is checking for an overseas flight...

At the security check the TSA is scanning his luggage, running him through metal detectors, etc. Finally, an attendant stops him at the gate.

"Sir, you're absolutely crawling with bugs. You're going to have to store those un your suitcase or ship them separately."

"Oh, no, it's okay." ...

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This guy walks into a Mercedes agency and asks for the top executive model.

Money is not an issue, but the car has to have everything installed. And he means EVERYTHING he is not joking. The company goes and install usb sockets for each passenger, a blue tooth operated coffee machine (with proper grinder, not that bullshit with capsules), a GPS tracking got each wheel and t...

A blonde is driving along the highway ...

A blonde is driving along the highway in her Volkswagen Beetle when she sees another blonde on the side of the road standing at the front of another Beetle with the hood up.

Thinking that she may be able to help she pulls over and asks the other blonde what the problem is.

"Well I wa...

The VW Genie

A man was driving his brand new Rolls Royce. At the signal this beaten up Beetle stops next to him, and tells him "Nice car! I'm willing to swap you with my car for a $1,000,000"
The rich guy looks at him and says "why would I want your car?"
At this point the VW's driver rubs the steering whe...

Motorist help. (Long)

A man is standing on a Texas roadside with his broken VW Beetle.

A man in a Lamborghini pulls over and offers to help him. The Beetle owner agrees, and the guy from the Lambo tells him to flash his high beams if they are going too fast.

So they go. At some point, the Lambo+Beetle comb...

The metamorphosis

One day, Franz Kafka's sister goes to wake her brother up only to discover that overnight, he has transformed into a giant hideous bug. Terrified, she calls out "Mother! Mother! Come quick. Look at what has happened to Franz!"

Her mother rushes to her son's bedroom only to see him transforme...

New insect species discovered

Scientists have recently discovered a new species of beetle that only lives for 14 days.

Many possible names were suggested and rejected, but it was finally decided to call it the Battlegrounds beetle, because it dies after a fortnight.

Waiter Jokes.

Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Gee...look's like it's doin' the backstroke.

Customer: Waiter there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: Don't worry sir, we don't charge for extra ingredients.

Customer: Waiter, there's a DEMON in my soup.
Waiter: Well sir, you said y...

A Banjo enthusiasts joke

Johnny proudly drove his new VW Beetle convertible into town and had his shiny banjo nestling in the back seat. He had walked half way around the block from the parked car when he realised that the sunny weather had prompted him to leave the hood down... with his banjo in the back.

He ran all...

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