UPJOKE
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Crops Jokes

A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear

Ahh Migraines!

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

One day there was a farmer tending to his crops when he saw a nun walking down the road.

He asked her where she was going and she told him the local convent was out of food so she was headed into town to see if anyone could spare some food. The farmer told her he could save her a trip and just give her some of his crops. Unfortunately, the only crop he had ready to harvest was cucumbers...

How do aliens harvest their crops?

With tractor beams.

What pollinated most of the world's crops and doesn't take any of the credit?

A humblebee

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

How do you harvest crops in the winter?

With an ice sickle

What does Farmer Travis Scott do when his crops are ready?

He goes Sickle Mode

A man was working at a farm and was about to begin planting crops

When they were ready, the leader announced, "Lettuce begin."

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

I put all of my crops and produce in wheelchairs...

That way all of my vegetables feel special.

An increasing number of farmers are losing their crops due to drought

It's a growing problem.

A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do?

He buys sickles

Legal ramifications of roaming livestock

An issue/nuisance some farmers encounter is roaming livestock. For example, a farmer could lose some money if his neighbor’s livestock graze on his land and eat or trample on his crops. In the US, many states have enacted laws to address this issue, deferring the scheme to individual counties.
...

Who polices cornfields?

The Crops

Why did the man who stole my crops take aspirin?

Because he had my grains

What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops?

Demeter.

Read about that farmer who lost a whole load of crops when crossing the river.

Turns out his boat was full of leeks.

Boll weevils are detrimental to cotton crops. If you had to have boll weevils on your farm, which do you want, a big weevil or a little weevil?

The little weevil, because you always want the *lesser of two weevils.*



My botany professor just told us this.

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

A Swedish Farming Village in 1265...

...is facing a crisis. They haven't had any rain in almost 2 months. All of their crops are dead or dying, and many of the citizens are starving.

One day, Sven comes bursting into his kitchen, scooping his wife Helda into his arms and dancing with joy.

"Sven! What's gotten into you? Wh...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a land called Tridonia, full of healthy, happy, prosperous Trids. Their wise king ruled for decades until a dark shadow fell across their valley, for a giant had entered their land and stood in front of the Sun. Weeks passed and the giant wouldn't move. The crops began to...

A farmer goes to the bank for a loan

He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully he can get a good crop.

The banker apologises and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the ban...

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I'm a farmer. I work in southeast Michigan.

While hauling around a bag of manure to fertilize my crops, a cop came up to me.

He asked, "What's that?"

I reply, "Manure."

"Why are you carrying manure?"

"I'm using it to fertilize my crops."

"Do you have a license for that manure?"

"Why would I need ...

The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland.

Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room.

What does a photo editor and a farmer have in common?

They both make good crops.

God was handing out talents one morning

To some, He gave the power to create life. The angels around Him were in awe as crops flourished and population soared. To others, he gave fine skills and artistry. His angelic entourage marveled at intricate needlework, tapestry, and sculpture.

God stooped down low and found a man waiting i...

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3 tribesmen were about to get punished

3 tribesmen were about to get punished. The chief told them to bring 10 fruits from their crops.

The first one brought 10 apples. The chief then said that those 10 apples would be inserted in his asshole. If he manages to not show any reaction when all the apples get inserted, he gets to live...

Two farmers <a geek joke>

Two farmers were chatting,

One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”

“All depends,” said the other.

“On what”

“My pea value”

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

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A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer.

He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"


The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, na...

A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"

"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And ...

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A priest decides to do some community work.

After considering where he should travel to do this work, he decides to travel to the Nigerian desert and assist the farmers working there.

After several weeks providing physical labour to the farmers he asks if there is a more effective way to help them. The farmer replied to him "Father, it...

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One day on the farm a mysterious stranger came up asking for work

The farmer then asked the man how qualified he was. The man, who we will call Joe, responded "I'm not good for too much sir, but I can harvest crops real good with these here hands." Feeling pity for the obviously poorly educated man the farmer agreed to give him the job.

As time goes on Joe...

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field. Every time a bird was swooping in to get some crops - the bird would catch eye of the clock instead. As the bird landed on the clock, it would die! It was a mystery - but the farmer didn't care as it worked better than a scarecrow. Pretty soon wo...

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

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A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed

What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?

"Cum at me bro".



\-

Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?

He was a peeking duck



\-

What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?

"It's bananas"



\...

Two farmers meet at their fence line.

They start arguing about who is the better farmer as they compare crops. They wave down a passerby and ask, "sir, who do you think is a better farmer?" They looks at them and says, "It's hard to say, you're both outstanding in your fields."

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A rabbit, a buzzard and a turtle.

This was told to me by my grandfather years ago. Not the greatest, but as a kid it made me laugh.

A rabbit, a buzzard and a turtle were walking down a road when they came across a farm. The farmer had his life packed up and was driving away. He told the trio the farm has been barren for yea...

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

QUITTING COFFEE

I'm trying to quit because I found out they're using caffeine as an insecticide now. They're spraying it over the crops in Texas to kill the bugs. I said, 'I'm putting that in my body every day?' Just to prove I'm wrong, the other night in my apartment, I took a cup of coffee, poured it all along th...

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An ensign was spending his first few days aboard a submarine learning his duties and a litany of regulations.

His job was unusual, but simple; tend a pair of oxen in a miniature field on deck 7. The purpose of this agricultural endeavor was to see if crops might one day be grown inside a spaceship; a submarine was an adequate stand in.

He had never driven cattle before, but in short order, he got th...

Boll Weavels

There were two brothers that happened to be boll weavels. One brother desired more than just to destroy crops and learned to play guitar. He got so good, he became a successful country music star.

His brother just stayed home and slept. You could say he was the lesser of two weavels.

A king outlawed hunting in his kingdom

Pretty soon, deer and elk populations were out of control, eating the commoners' crops and becoming a general nuisance. The people revolted and overthrew the king, thus making it the first time in history a reign had been called on account of game.

A farmer walks into a bar...

The farmer goes to the bartender and says "Hey, I've heard you were hard to impress. Well, I've got a garden right down the street from here with plants you'll surely be impressed by!" The bartender responds "What'll be the point?" The farmer responds "How about this, if you are impressed, I get fre...

This is a joke from a dream last night, apperantly my brain conjured it up on the spot... let's see how well it works

John, a young farmer, was engaged and would soon be wed to a young woman from a nearby town. One day, his soon-to-be father-in-law stopped by for a chat.

“John,” he said, “I have a secret. I am actually a powerful genie! And since you seem like a nice young man, I will grant you three wishes ...

Tomato

Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins

So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.

So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.

“H...

The 3 men (Joke told by professor)

Sometime during the middle ages, one day - an engineer, a priest, and a farmer were being executed by the guillotine due to their crimes they commit against the village

the engineer was punished because he was rigging his builds and selling it blindly to people to make extra money by offering...

Small talk

The year is 2097. In the midst of a nuclear war, two babies are sent from Earth in a pod to an empty SpaceX bunker on Mars in the hopes they will survive and continue the human race.

After years in isolation and with packaged food becoming scarce, the young humans decided to venture out onto ...

Spelling bee

A Nebraska Huskers fan was in the finals of the state spelling bee.


"Okay, your word is 'farm,'" the moderator said to the Husker.


He sat there for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. "Um... Can I have a definition?"


"Sure," the moderator said. "It is a...

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A farmers daughter wants to have a sleepover with three of her guy friends(NSFW)

The farmer agrees but when the friends get there he sits them down and tells them "ok I'll let you sleep at my house, but if you sleep with my daughter I will kill you" And he leaves them for the night.

The following morning he wakes up early to tend to his crops and finds them already awake...

Two Boll Weavels

There were once two brothers that happened to be boll weavels. They lived in Nashville, TN and both loved country music. One brother desired more than just to destroy crops and listen to the radio, so he learned to play guitar. He got so good, he became a successful country music star. Fame and fort...

A Native American asks his medicine man...

"Why am I named 'Cloud of Love'?"

The medicine man replies, "To prevent drought, I cast a spell on the day you were born."

"How does the spell work?" Asks Cloud.

"Every time you see a squaw you have bedded, the heavens will rain on our crops. So go forth and woo the squaws. Le...

There was a farmer who lived on 200 acres.

He owned sheep, cattle, horses and tons and tons of crops. One night, he heard wolves howling in the distant, and it kept him up all night. He woke up in the morning with bags under his eyes, his wife asked him “What’s wrong? Did you not get any sleep?” The farmer said “I kept hearing this howling n...

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The farmer's chicken

A farmer returns home late from working all day on his crops, and chicken coops. He loudly walks up his stairs, chicken in his arm.

He slams open his bedroom door and sees a suprised look on his wife's face.

"This is the cow that I fuck when you aren't around!" exclaimed the farmer....

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Two men are walking down a country road.

They come upon a farmhouse. Exhausted from their journey, they decide to seek food and lodgings. They knock on the door and are greeted with a smile.

"Might we trouble you for a meal and a place to sleep?" they ask.

"Sure!" the farmer responds, "But you'll have to harvest one hundred o...

Ed's father taught him how to ride a goat at a young age.

He showed him where the little saddle goes, and how to position the bridle.

Ed mastered the art of goat riding. The slightest pull from the reigns and the goat would stop. The lightest touch of the spurs on it's haunches and the goat would gallop full speed.

Ed named the goat Geronimo...

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Uncle Jack

You are a farmer. Your father owns the farm. You live with your father Jim, your mother Ruth, your uncle Jack, and your brother Michael. Your father is in charge of the farm, so he takes care of all of the animals, the crops, and manual labor. Your mother cooks and cleans. Your brother is too young ...

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Israeli Hell

A person dies and is judged for his sins.

“Well,” says the angel, “Sorry, dude, but you are going to hell. But as a bonus for not being a complete putz, you are granted the choice to which hell to go. Your options are: the Soviet hell, the Nazi hell or the Israeli hell.”

The sinner thi...

So an animal testing lab accidentally let one of its rabbits out.

The bunny hopped along till it found a wild rabbit. It asked the wild bunny "Can you help me? I don't know what bunnies do!" The wild rabbit said, "Let's go eat some crops!" So they go to a farmer's field and chow down.

As they are sitting there the lab rabbit says, "What do we do now?" The w...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

TIL of an odd political problem in Colorado.

Cattle has long been the number one agricultural product of Colorado, but the recent legalization of marijuana is causing significant and unforeseen problems.

Apparently, cows love marijuana as much as people, and cattle ranches and nearby marijuana farms are on the brink of open warfare. Co...

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