UPJOKE
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Be Quiet Jokes

How do you tell a hot dog to be quiet?

Hush puppy!

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven

"Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" h...

Dave has died and is waiting in the queue to get into heaven.

As he draws ever closer to St Peter he can hear him asking people the same question.

"Denomination?" he asks a little old lady as she reaches the front of the queue.

"Methodist", she replies.

St Peter checks his notes and directs her to the eighth door on the left.

"Pleas...

How do you get a loud snake to be quiet?

Give it an antiHISStamine

I was in bed at 10 PM asking my roommate to please be quiet with the stroking and to be a little slower.

He said, “okay, I’ll be more gentle with the cat in the future.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

Why should you be quiet in a pharmacy?

In case you wake the sleeping pills!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

This joke killed when I was a kid. Let me know how it holds up.

One time 3 boys went to the mall, their names were Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

While at the mall Trouble got lost. The other boys went up to a police officer and told him their brother was lost.

The officer asked "what are your name?"

The boys responded "Shut Up and Be Quiet"...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

Good mood

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer" the man began "I can explain"

"Just be quiet" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

Christians only

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Sikh." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Buddhism."
“Go to room 18, but be very quiet ...

Jimmy is in the school yard...

and goes over to his friend Billy and notices he has a brand new smart watch.

Jimmy: How did you get that?

Billy: well last night I walked into my parents room and caught them wrestling and my dad told me if I left and forgot what I saw he’d get me a watch.

Jimmy: Oh wow I’ve h...

During an airplane hijacking

Terrorist: "Everyone be quiet or I'll kill you! You there, what's your name?"


She: "My name is Susan."


Terrorist: "Susan, you stay alive. My mother's name is Susan, too. And you there? What's your name?"


Him: "My name is Peter, but my friends call me Susan."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

Did you hear about the new Silence of the Lambs sequel that's set to take place in Newfoundland?

It's going to be called Ewes Be Quiet.

I learned how to meditate from my school teacher. She would say to me...

..."SHUT UP, STAY STILL AND JUST BE QUIET!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man works up courage to ask his wife how many sexual partners she had before him

She says "really?" and goes silent. Doesn't say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks - "Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that stupid question?"

Raising her finger she says "Sh...

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.

Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”

His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome...

...The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a disputation to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility… until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered.

As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But because h...

One day this old couple were at a carnival...

The man said to his wife:
“Honey, can we go on the helicopter ride?”
The wife says:”no, it says to be quiet so the pilot can focus, but you always shout. Even though, it says it’s $10 and I didn’t bring my money.”
The man keeps asking his wife until the pilot came up to them:
“Hey, I hea...

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".


Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could mak...

A woman and her neighbour go to the police station to report the woman's missing husband.

"How tall is your husband?" asks the cop.

"About six foot three," replies the woman.

"SIX FOOT THREE!" shouts the neighbour. "Your husband is barely taller than you are!"

"How much does your husband weigh?" asks the cop.

"About 150 pounds."

"ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY P...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Dad, why am I called rose?

Daughter 1: Dad, why am I called rose?

Dad: well when you were born a rose petal landed on your head, so we took it as a sign.

Daughter 2: so Dad, why am I called Lily?

Dad: for the same reason, when you were born a lily petal landed on your head.

Daughter 3: JAVDJDJ SKAO...

A little girl asks her mother why her name is Feather

"You see, daughter - when you were born, a feather blew in through the window and landed on your head." she replies.

"Then why is my name Leaf?" Asked her little brother. "You see," replied his mother - "when you were born, a leaf blew in through the window and landed on your head."

In...

All I want is some peace and quiet!

Just give me a piece and I'll be quiet!

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