It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;

otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Why’s a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?

Everybody’s 6 feet away

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

The World Health Organization...

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

Quarantine is like a Netflix series

When you think it’s over, another season gets released

Covid quarantines were so toxic.

We isolated all the positive people.

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

Had the most bizarre experience before the quarantine, when I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and I was astounded.

When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner o...

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

You know the only good thing about quarantine?

I haven't seen a jehovah's witness in awhile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After quarantine I realized I'm really into CROSSFIT

I CROSS my fingers and hope I can FIT my ass in those jeans.

I dont get why people are laughing in quarantine..

Must be an inside joke

An Indian family went into self quarantine

after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

What is a 20 days quarantine called ?

Twentin Quarantino

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are strippers doing during quarantine?

Twerking from home.

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

Due to the quarantine...

I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

Seniors during quarantine

I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old ...

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

Y'all know what the best part of this quarantine is?

Several months of no school shootings.

My friends and I made a quarantine joke that I really want to share

But as an inside joke, you wouldn't get it.

Wife to husband: “Did I get fat during quarantine?”

Husband replies: “you weren’t really that skinny to be begin with!”

Time of death: 11:00pm
Cause of death: Covid-19

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

If you got your new puppy after quarantine started last year...

...can you call it a Quar'n Dog?

Quarantine Confessions Housework:

I dusted once. It came back.

I’m not falling for that again..

What is Quarantine's favorite style of music?

House.

Teacher:"What have you learnt in quarantine"

Me: if a ball is too big for your mouth it’s not yours

My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over

I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.

Quarantine is lonely. I tried getting close to my Ubereats guy.

But he just kept yelling "6 feet! 6 FEET!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:

Drink a whiskey drink

Drink a vodka drink

Drink a lager drink

Drink a cider drink

Sing the songs that remind you of the good times

Sing the songs that remind you of the better times

I finished 5 books during the quarantine

That's a lot of coloring.

Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

What's the difference between garbage and a home gym's weights during the COVID quarantine?

The garbage gets picked up once a week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My tastes in porn have become very eccentric due to being single and alone for so long during the quarantine. But I've vowed to change after what I watched last night...

I thought to myself, "I can't believe I've come to this."

Since most of us are stuck / bored in quarantine here are my top ways you can get high at home.

1. A ladder - This will get you the highest, no doubt.
2. A step stool - This won't get you as high but it is good for a quick, short high.
3. A Barstool - this one is a but more trippy and unsafe, but can work if you don't have safer ways to get high.

Half of us are gonna come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks

and the other half are gonna come out with a drinking problem.

Ever since quarantine, my pubes have gotten really long,

But think about all the money I've saved on dental floss.

I hate this quarantine

Because of it I haven't gotten laid in 3 years

I haven't understood a single joke since this quarantine started.

They must all be inside jokes.

Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.

Imagine all the people

My car was put into quarantine today

It had corollavirus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 3 of quarantine:

Haven’t had sex in 6 months.

The best part about being quarantined are the handjobs.

The worst part is being alone.

People like to share their musical taste with their neighbors these quarantine days. My neighbor has been listening to death metal the entire day at full volume.

Whether he likes it or not.

This quarantine has been going on so long, my relationship with the gym has been slipping.

I've had to start calling it the James again.

If Trump Recovers, He Will Write A Book About His Quarantine Experience And How He Got Through It.

The Art Of The Heal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me before quarantine, watching Castaway: Really... He's best friends with a ball??

**Me, during quarantine:** Look at you go Roomba, you crazy son of a bitch!

I’m glad I splurged on an expensive mattress during quarantine.

I can now have my dream vacation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"

"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"

"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"

"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."

"One: you ...

Quarantine would be a lot more enjoyable if I wasn't stuck in a room with my least favorite person.

I should get roommates.

I bought a two weeks supply of Alcohol for the quarantine.

For the second time this week.

I hadn't picked up my guitar in years. But since quarantine started, I've....

Benjamin Moore

To being able to dance with your girlfriend during quarantine

First imagine you have a girlfriend

The quarantine is affecting everyone in the work force but it sucks especially for men

We're losing $1 for every $0.79 woman are losing.

Since quarantine my roommates have been convinced that our house is haunted.

I've been living here for 300 years and haven't noticed anything strange.

Why don't comedians like being quarantined?

They can only make inside jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know you have reached quarantine insanity?

When you look at old photographs and videos and get pissed because nobody is wearing masks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I are home quarantined for two weeks. Fortunately, we hoarded lots of toilet paper.

Time for some roll playing games.

Quarantined Star Wars troopers be like "I miss people"

First off all, you always miss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This quarantine hasnt been easy on my sex life.

I keep confusing the lube with the alcohol.

I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards.

I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 days into quarantine and it feels like I’m in Vegas.

I’m loosing money by the hour, no one knows what time it is and cocktails are acceptable and encouraged at any hour!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quarantine booty call:

\- Come over.

\- Can't, I'm in self isolation

\- But my parents aren't home...

\- WHY THE FUCK NOT?

Being in quarantine hasn't really affected me.

But I do think it's strange that in one box of rice there were 6839 rice kernels and in another it was 6723.

Why did the thick girl agree to quarantine?

To flatten the curves.

I thought I'd hate having a quarantine beard.

But, honestly, it's growing on me.

Chuck Norris came into contact with the Coronavirus

The virus is now in quarantine for at least 14 days.

The year is 2040, and a curious kid wonders what their parents did to pass the time during Quarantine back in 2020.

The kid asked their 10 brothers and sisters, but they had no clue either.

Quarantine birthday

My birthdays in quarantine, but I’m not sad I had the exact number of people who came last year

You can't spell Quarantine

without U R A Q T

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss.

Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?

The first/ last joke my third grader got to tell before quarantine

I set up a joke minute for of my 3rd graders as a way of helping him create healthy boundaries to meet his needs (attention), and this is the first one he got to tell. As far as I know, he made it up himself:

You know when you're at a restaurant, and the waiter is taking forever and ever? W...

I wanted to make a joke about how I got my fabulous quarantine physique

But it didn’t work out.

This quarantine thing is not working out.

My wife and I are becoming friends and I almost told her about my girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

Before the quarantine I was going to strip clubs almost every day

But now they're all clothed until further notice.

What jokes seem perfect for quarantine but are better with friends?

Inside jokes.

This Quarantine is getting old

So old in fact, that is it starting to become a Quaranadult

How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally?

Cough.

During quarantine, Google saw a shift in the top 5 Google searches.

The no. 1 position went from “how to get laid” to “how to get laid off.”

I’m having a quarantine party.

None of you are invited.

The lead singer of Disturbed has decided he’s not going to self quarantine after contracting Covid-19

He’s down with the sickness

With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom....

...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 365 without sex in isolation and self quarantine:

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 10 in quarantine

The vacuum cleaner won't stop looking me in the eyes when I'm cumming
And I'm starting to like it...

During the recent quarantine period, I built a model of Mount Everest.

It’s not to scale, just to look at.

What's it called when someone copies your work during quarantine?

Plague-arism

What’s the best way to keep from getting bored during quarantine?

Throw a sick party.

At first I did not like my quarantine hair...

...but then it grew on me.

Why is it so hard to understand humor when you're in quarantine?

Because everything's an inside joke.

I have decided to pass my time in self-quarantine by streaming Sylvester Stallone movies.

Unfortunately, I'm off to a Rocky start.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why aren't jazz musicians missing their girlfriends during quarantine?

They're already used to the sex on phone

What will they call the inevitable surge of babies from quarantine in 9 months time?

Coronitas.

Why was the vampire quarantined?

Because he was coffin

r/Wuhan_flu has been quarantined.

Is this some kind of sick joke...?

Day 13 of being in quarantine as a 20 year old male

It's been 7300 days since i last touched a girl

This Quarantine lockdown sure is messing with other peoples heads, I just saw my neighbor talking to his cat!!

Told this to my dog and we both laughed our assess off.

Quarantine going good so far

I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer.

THIS CORONA QUARANTINE HAS GIVEN MY WIFE ALZHEIMERS!!

She doesn't remember what she ever saw in me.

I saw a couple walking and holding hands during the quarantine..

It mad me sad to see two people hate each other so much.

Quarantine - Day 34

**Weather Report**

Room Temperature

I was diagnosed with the corona virus at a brothel and the whole place was immediately quarantined.

Jeez, now I'll be stuck here for two weeks.

After it was determined that dogs could not transmit COVID-19 to humans, the world health organization deemed that all companion pets could be let out of quarantine

We really should have seen this coming, they told us WHO let the dogs out for years

What do you do if you are quarantine and stuck in the oval office?

Netflix and Bill

Being in quarantine I’ve gotten bored and wrote a song on cats.

The third verse ran away, I guess next time I’ll use paper.

Feeling lonely during quarantine?

Go watch a horror movie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cute roommate and I are stuck in quarantine, sitting on the couch watching Netflix. [NSFW]

"I really want to watch this documentary on this Olympic runner," she says. "But fair warning: the guy is so attractive, I might not be able to stop myself from masturbating."


"Usain Bolt?" I asked.


"No, I'm saying stay..."

In response to being quarantined I'm giving up drinking for an entire month .

Edit, missed some punctuation.

I'm giving up. Drinking for an entire month.

I happen to know a girl who has been with several dudes during the quarantine.

She has a serious case of HOEVID-19, a new strain of Whorona Virus.

Why do Flat-Earthers enjoy the quarantine?

They finally get to flatten the curve.

My wife out of pure boredom started doing this new thing during quarantine that I really enjoy.

Me.

I've been in quarantine for so long

That I'm using shampoo on my pubes.

And hand sanitizer on everything else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm in quarantine with my girlfriend and my mom

It's really complicated to have sex, I'm afraid that my girlfriend hears us

I want to change my hair like everybody during this quarantine.

I think I'll grow my bald spot out!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This quarantine is getting pretty awesome

last night I got to fuck my sons teacher!

Quarantine day seven:

I haven't talked to anyone in three weeks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unexpected outcome of quarantine for men is when you realize that

your balls have never experienced such extended periods of freedom.

Why is the quarantined melon couple sad?

Because they cantaloupe :(

Being married with Children in this quarantine, looking at all the single people going through it alone, I'd kill to be alone right now.

Probably the only way it could happen.

I had the time of my life in quarantine. I did what i wanted, when i wanted. Now that things are opening up where i live, i have to go back to work and feel obligated to hang out with friends.

I feel like my freedoms are being taken away!
Wake up!

The reason nobody’s laughing at your quarantine memes is

because they’re all just inside jokes.

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

The best thing about quarantine is that it's brought my family closer.

Now we sit around the dinner table and say, "I already know what you've done today"

How did the cop break quarantine?

He went clubbing with his coworkers

Girlfriend: At least with the quarantine, the air pollution levels are down

Me: Well I kinda like the air pollution, it adds to the atmosphere.

An Anagram for "Covid Self Quarantine is........

"Advance Finest Liquor". A great suggestion, count me in!

You know you’ve been in quarantine long enough when..

Your Siri maps suggestion says “8 seconds to the living room!”

Doctors discovered that during the coronavirus quarantine your food tastes different.

It’s either a symptom or it’s because everybody started washing their hands.

Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine?

Because it was a naan-Essential business.

Quarantine seasonal travel

Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around.

Venice this going to get over?

You can't say when this lockdown will be over, Kenya?

Quarantine has made my Delhi routine too boring.

I've been Washingtons of utensils.

This Spain is real.

Stay home, stay safe. What'...

Staying busy with quarantine and just replaced my leaking water heater.

It's a tankless job, but somebody has to do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trying dating apps for the first time while quarantined has me thinking...

I often see profiles requiring men no shorter than 6 ft tall. Judging from how close people get in grocery stores, Peter Dinklage must be at least 6'4"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This goes out to all the sewage treatment plant workers working during quarantine.

Thank you guys, you deal with a lot more shit then us!

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