UPJOKE
isolationbiosecuritydiseasepestplagueisolatetuberculosisyellow fevercholeravaccinationrestrictionsfluinfluenzacordon sanitaireinfection

Quarantine Jokes

It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;

otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.

Seniors during quarantine

I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old ...

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

Why’s a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?

Everybody’s 6 feet away

Due to the quarantine...

I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

Quarantine is like a Netflix series

When you think it’s over, another season gets released

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are strippers doing during quarantine?

Twerking from home.

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over

I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 3 of quarantine:

Haven’t had sex in 6 months.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

Quarantine - Day 34

**Weather Report**

Room Temperature

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

Y'all know what the best part of this quarantine is?

Several months of no school shootings.

Quarantine

Don’t get it?

That’s because it’s an inside joke

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.

Imagine all the people

I haven't understood a single joke since this quarantine started.

They must all be inside jokes.

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

You know the only good thing about quarantine?

I haven't seen a jehovah's witness in awhile.

An Indian family went into self quarantine

after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.

Quarantine Confessions Housework:

I dusted once. It came back.

I’m not falling for that again..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

You can't spell Quarantine

without U R A Q T

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 10 in quarantine

The vacuum cleaner won't stop looking me in the eyes when I'm cumming
And I'm starting to like it...

Quarantine birthday

My birthdays in quarantine, but I’m not sad I had the exact number of people who came last year

Quarantine day seven:

I haven't talked to anyone in three weeks

I hate this quarantine

Because of it I haven't gotten laid in 3 years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After quarantine I realized I'm really into CROSSFIT

I CROSS my fingers and hope I can FIT my ass in those jeans.

Teacher:"What have you learnt in quarantine"

Me: if a ball is too big for your mouth it’s not yours

I finished 5 books during the quarantine

That's a lot of coloring.

Quarantine going good so far

I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer.

Why don't comedians like being quarantined?

They can only make inside jokes.

Wife to husband: “Did I get fat during quarantine?”

Husband replies: “you weren’t really that skinny to be begin with!”

Time of death: 11:00pm
Cause of death: Covid-19

Feeling lonely during quarantine?

Go watch a horror movie.

Quarantine seasonal travel

Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around.

Venice this going to get over?

You can't say when this lockdown will be over, Kenya?

Quarantine has made my Delhi routine too boring.

I've been Washingtons of utensils.

This Spain is real.

Stay home, stay safe. What'...

This Quarantine is getting old

So old in fact, that is it starting to become a Quaranadult

Quarantine Tip #2:

I know you're bored, but diarrhea is an early symptom of Coronavirus infection.

So try to loaf as much as you can.

That's a real solid tip.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

I’m having a quarantine party.

None of you are invited.

Day 5 of Quarantine:

I got so bored that I checked out all of the profiles on Facebook. 2 of my friends have the same boyfriend.

Why was the vampire quarantined?

Because he was coffin

The best part about being quarantined are the handjobs.

The worst part is being alone.

Quarantine day #(x+1)

Even the food I eat would be less hygienic than I am.

What is Quarantine's favorite style of music?

House.

Day 91101 of quarantine

I finished building a time machine.

Day 8 of quarantine

Talked to a spider living under my bed today. Seems like a cool guy. Told me he wants to be a web designer.

r/electricians should be quarantined

It is a subreddit devoted to shocking content

This quarantine thing is not working out.

My wife and I are becoming friends and I almost told her about my girlfriend.

How did the cop break quarantine?

He went clubbing with his coworkers

Ever since quarantine, my pubes have gotten really long,

But think about all the money I've saved on dental floss.

Don't worry if you're violating quarantine.

It'll be fine.

What's the point of the quarantine?

We are all going to die from a meteor in April anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This quarantine is getting pretty awesome

last night I got to fuck my sons teacher!

THIS CORONA QUARANTINE HAS GIVEN MY WIFE ALZHEIMERS!!

She doesn't remember what she ever saw in me.

If quarantine is knocking you down here are some things you can try to get back up again:

Drink a whiskey drink

Drink a vodka drink

Drink a lager drink

Drink a cider drink

Sing the songs that remind you of the good times

Sing the songs that remind you of the better times

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's It, Let's Protest The Quarantine.

I'm staging a sit in. To participate, just stay in your house. We'll show the government what happens when you mess with our freedom!

I thought I'd hate having a quarantine beard.

But, honestly, it's growing on me.

Why do Flat-Earthers enjoy the quarantine?

They finally get to flatten the curve.

I've been in quarantine for so long

That I'm using shampoo on my pubes.

And hand sanitizer on everything else.

An Anagram for "Covid Self Quarantine is........

"Advance Finest Liquor". A great suggestion, count me in!

During quarantine - Lonely at home

I am lonely at home quarantined:

Day 1. Oh, that's nice.

Day 3. I read books and rest.

Day 5. I bingwatched "Friends".

Day 7. I talked to the washing machine, but I had worse days.

Day 9. My washing machine is angry. I never had worse days.

Day 11. I'm fine…...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This quarantine hasnt been easy on my sex life.

I keep confusing the lube with the alcohol.

Wanna hear a funny Joke? Quarantine.

Oh wait, it’s an inside joke, so you wouldn’t get it.

I've been pretty busy in quarantine

My erotic Animal Crossing fan fiction is going to blow some minds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Day 365 without sex in isolation and self quarantine:

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

Questions on the new quarantine math test

If johnny has 30 watermelons, and is forbidden to contact or interact with any other people for 21 days, how many watermelons is he left with?

Why did the thick girl agree to quarantine?

To flatten the curves.

Predictions of the relationship fallout of quarantine:

In one month divorce rates will spike.
In 9 months birth rates will spike.
In 13 years and nine months we will have quaranteens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know you have reached quarantine insanity?

When you look at old photographs and videos and get pissed because nobody is wearing masks.

If you got your new puppy after quarantine started last year...

...can you call it a Quar'n Dog?

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm in quarantine with my girlfriend and my mom

It's really complicated to have sex, I'm afraid that my girlfriend hears us

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bored from the quarantine I started browsing Craigslist

I found a radio on sale for 99¢, the only catch was that the volume knob was stuck on the highest level.

I thought to myself “can’t turn that down!”

To being able to dance with your girlfriend during quarantine

First imagine you have a girlfriend

What kind of jokes are allowed during quarantine?

INSIDE jokes.



y'all have a great day :)

How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally?

Cough.

Quarantine is lonely. I tried getting close to my Ubereats guy.

But he just kept yelling "6 feet! 6 FEET!"

My friends and I made a quarantine joke that I really want to share

But as an inside joke, you wouldn't get it.

What's it called when someone copies your work during quarantine?

Plague-arism

Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine?

Because it was a naan-Essential business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why aren't jazz musicians missing their girlfriends during quarantine?

They're already used to the sex on phone

How did the birds escape the coronavirus quarantine?

They flu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 days into quarantine and it feels like I’m in Vegas.

I’m loosing money by the hour, no one knows what time it is and cocktails are acceptable and encouraged at any hour!

I’m glad I splurged on an expensive mattress during quarantine.

I can now have my dream vacation.

I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards.

I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement.

Oscar the Grouch is an ideal quarantine mascot.

I don’t know about physical distancing, but he sure practices social distancing.

I saw a couple walking and holding hands during the quarantine..

It mad me sad to see two people hate each other so much.

The first/ last joke my third grader got to tell before quarantine

I set up a joke minute for of my 3rd graders as a way of helping him create healthy boundaries to meet his needs (attention), and this is the first one he got to tell. As far as I know, he made it up himself:

You know when you're at a restaurant, and the waiter is taking forever and ever? W...

You know you’ve been in quarantine long enough when..

Your Siri maps suggestion says “8 seconds to the living room!”

Doctors discovered that during the coronavirus quarantine your food tastes different.

It’s either a symptom or it’s because everybody started washing their hands.

Before the quarantine I was going to strip clubs almost every day

But now they're all clothed until further notice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since self quarantine, masturbation has doubled among the population...

You know what they say desperate times call for desperate pleasures...

The reason nobody’s laughing at your quarantine memes is

because they’re all just inside jokes.

My wife recently started sewing what she calls "quarantine skirts".

They look best when lifted.

I'm giving up alcohol for the duration of this quarantine.

Wait. I wrote that wrong.

I'm giving up. Alcohol for the duration of this quarantine.

During quarantine, Google saw a shift in the top 5 Google searches.

The no. 1 position went from “how to get laid” to “how to get laid off.”

What’s the best way to keep from getting bored during quarantine?

Throw a sick party.

Day 13 of being in quarantine as a 20 year old male

It's been 7300 days since i last touched a girl

Staying busy with quarantine and just replaced my leaking water heater.

It's a tankless job, but somebody has to do it.

During the recent quarantine period, I built a model of Mount Everest.

It’s not to scale, just to look at.

Everyone got quarantined at my campsite the other day.

You could say it was pretty in-tents.

What do you call Bruce Lee by himself in quarantine?

Lone Lee

Quarantine is feeling more and more like highschool in the 00's

We’re all day dreaming about how to get out of the house, no one has any standards around booz consumption, and emo culture is at an all time high.

Why is it so hard to understand humor when you're in quarantine?

Because everything's an inside joke.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.