On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.

Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.

What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?

They can both make crowds of 100,000 stand up and yell Jesus.

Trump, Cruz and Graham is sitting in a restaurant and the waiter comes over and asks...

Is everything alt right?

The perfect guy

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Graham!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Graham Barnes. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, ...

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

We all remember Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone...

But no one ever remembers Alexander Graham Kowalczyk, the first telephone pole.

The twelve days of Jokemas, day one

How much does a cracker weigh?

One graham

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Graham and Donna met on Tinder.

Donna was a pretty woman with a lisp. Graham was actually the famous porn star Thor the Thunderbolt, so named because his mighty weapon was as long and as thick as the Norse god’s hammer.

Nature took its course, and the pair had a wonderful night of bliss. In the morning, Graham felt remors...

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a graham cracker, a marshmallow, and a piece of chocolate have sex?

A smorgy.

TIL that immediately after Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he learned that

he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris

Does anyone know where to find about 454 graham crackers?

I'm making a pound cake for dessert

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.

The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The...

How much do s'mores weigh?

At least a couple grahams.

Friday Lunch


Oh lunch how I long for you so
Quickly to noon i hopeith this day go
I have been preparing for your flavor since your conception last night
Merely your presence at my feet brings delight

Turkey, cheese, horseradish oh my
My only regret is that you're not perched on ...

Why did Alexander Graham Bell never receive a nobel prize?

Because it's a "no bell" prize.

Famous people and their mothers

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter. - [*Masai Graham*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)

Thor went out to an Asgardian bar one night...

And he meets this beautiful woman. They go home and spend the night with each other. The next morning when they wake up Thor says "You know I must tell you... I am Thor." The woman replies "You're Thor? I can hardly walk."


Stolen from Chris Hemsworth on The Graham Norton Show

A space mission sent from Earth had landed on a distant planet.

The purpose of the mission was to meet with another intelligent species who called themselves "ishen".

Another such mission had taken place a year before, and Michael Chapman, the leader of the mission, had decided to stay on the planet with the ishen to learn their ways.

The ishen pri...

Your momma so big.

She broke Graham’s number

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some facts of Zlatan Ibrahimovic:

1 - When he was 10 years old, Zlatan decided to live by himself. And his parents just moved to another house.

2 - Zlatan lost his virginity even before his parents.

3 - One day Zlatan did a test in a lie detector machine. The machine confessed everything.

Arsenal - When Zlatan ...

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 m...

Chuck Norris Compilation

Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it...

Chuck Norris can sit at the corner of a round table

Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because n...

The bee sting

A young women had been taking golf lessons .

She had just started her first round of golf where she suffered a bee sting

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro Graham saw her come into to the clubhouse and aske...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

What do you call a dog that sings?

Kelly Barckson.


(Am Belgian, sorry if this joke already existed. Came up with it while watching the Graham Norton show where she performed last week.)

Funny when it's not funny: I need jokes for a funeral / eulogy.

Hey, reddit. A good buddy of mine has died. He was always the life of the party, always had fresh jokes, and would absolutely hate the idea of a depressing, somber funeral.

His friends have arranged a casual dress only (he hated dressing up), open mic style celebration of his life. One of th...

What's an English teacher's favourite cereal?

Synonym Grahams

A grieving widow is speaking to a funeral director...

and is admiring her dead husband's body in the casket.

"Oh Mr. Graham, you've done such a lovely job with my dear Timothy. He really does look comfortable. At peace even. But one thing?"

"Yes Mrs. Stewart?"

"Would you please put him in his black suit? He always preferred it."...

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