Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

I went to the grocery store to buy oil. Couldn't find it. So

i inVaDed IraQ

A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

What kind of motor oil does Darth Vader use?

Sithetic.

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Olive Oils

Olive Oil 1: I fk all the time

God: okay, you'll be regular olive oil



Olive Oil 2: I've never had sex

God: you'll be virgin olive oil



Olive Oil 3: I've only tried anal

God: \[turns back to Olive Oil 2\] okay your actually gonna be extra virgin

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I only buy extra virgin olive oil...

Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

What is Popeye’s favorite thing to eat?

Olive Oil

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

Essential oils

I told my wife that I have a headache, she says to rub this essential oil on my forehead. So I do. After a few hours my wife asked “is your headache gone?”

I replied “nope.......you’re still here!”

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If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better...

Incel olive oil must be amazing.

I don't really like jokes about unrefined oil

They're too crude for my taste

Why should you cook kale in coconut oil?

Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.

What's the hardest part about extracting vegetable oil?

The wheelchair.

I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me.

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

HELP! The smelly man who just got laid on an oil rig is chasing me with a piece of bent pipe!

It’s an olfactory refractory fracking fractional flak attack!

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A rich oil tycoon from Texas made his way to Ireland one day...

...where he made his way to a local pub.

He walked up to the bar and laid a bag of money on the counter whilst he declared to all in the room:

"I heard y'all Irish can drink, so I put it to you that not one of y'all's can drink 500 shots back to back. Prove me
wrong, and I'll give ...

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

My dad used to be a paraplegic, but after avoiding surgeries, medicines, and doctor’s advice, and using a lot of essential oils....

He’s now a quadriplegic.

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

The law is very strange thing...

If the government finds oil in your backyard, it is theirs.

If they find marijuana, it is yours...

I think my mechanic is an antivaxxer

He gave me essential oils for my broken car.

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What’s the same between Fortnite players and Olive Oil?

They’re both extra-virgin.

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My Prius had an oil leak

Had to pay for a tampon to stop it up

What type of oil do orcs use in their machinery?

Mordor Oil

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

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Essential oils are bullshit.

I've drank three bottles and now I have a headache AND diarrhea.

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

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[Life Pro Tip] when cooking Kale.. add some coconut oil..

It makes it easier to scrape into the trash bin..

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

Saudi-Arabia has developed teleportation technology in order to sustain their economy when oil is depleted.

First tests in their embassies are promising, but apparently there are still issues with the part that is supposed to make one reappear.

What do you call motor oil from Cuba?

Fidel Castrol

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Why was the Water's sexual assault case against the Oil thrown out of court?

All of the physical evidence was immiscible.

Why did the french chef commit suicide when he couldn't find his olive oil?

He lost his huile d'olive!

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My wife and I are big believers in coconut oil as lube, it's been great for us really...

But now whenever I make macaroons I get a boner.

An old farmer calls his vet

“Morning doc, I think my cat is constipated, what should I do?”

“Morning Frank, I’d suggest just giving him a quart of cod liver oil and call me back and let me know how he’s doing”

After a couple of days, the vet hears nothing from the farmer, so he calls the farmer up and says, “hey ...

An old Texas Oil Man drove his brand new Corvette out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left
 

*“Amazing!”* he thought as he flew down I-20, pushing the pedal even more.
 

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind h...

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

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A man took a job on an oil rig in the desert.

He was settling in well but after a couple of weeks felt the normal urge every man has and went to talk to his supervisor.

"I really like the job boss but I need some female company"

The boss replies "That's easy Joe, see those Camels over there, when your off your shift feel free to u...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

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A Texan oil tycoon storms into his lawyers office...

Demanding that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.


"What's the problem?"


"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.


"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a pie...

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

There once was a young mechanic named Eric, who got a job on an off-shore oil derrick . . .

He wasn't about to be party to a limerick, so he devoted himself to doing the best job he could to assist with the maintenance of all the machinery. He looked after the power generators, the pumps, the hydraulic systems and even did a little work on the electric systems.

One day, Eric was wo...

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A priest goes to the mechanic

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the f...

My wife said to me, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?”

I said, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten.”


“Listen! You never listen!”

My Vietnamese coworker slipped and fell in a puddle of oil.

I was going to make a racist joke about it but decided against it, because that's a slippery slope.

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Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the se...

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I told my wife to make sure the coconut oil is mixed nicely with the kale

so I can easily scrape it into the garbage.

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What kind of Olive Oil do Reddit users use to masturbate?

Extra Virgin

What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes.

My wife stared at me with mouth agape and stammered, “You’re shirtless and also covered in…oil?!”

I exclaimed proudly, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten!”

She threw her arms up in the air and screamed disgustedly, **“Listen!!** You never **listen!”**

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

What do you say when an oil company CEO wakes up to a tweet saying that he's fired?

Crude Awakening!

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3 Canadian guys discover an old oil lamp...

3 Canadian guys - One Newfie, One Quebecois, and one from Ontario are working together on a construction site. While digging they discover an old oil lamp, which, when picked up immediately belches forth a smoky, strange looking individual they know must be a genie.

"Thank you for freeing me,...

What do you call a victim of an urban oil spill?

A city slicker

Did you hear Karen’s dead?

America heard she had essential oils

I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

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How to shower like a woman

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN



1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2) Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3) Look at your womanly physique...

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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.

"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"

Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.

"IT SHALL BE DONE!...

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I ...

What do you call a dog that can change your oil?

A Lubebradoodle.

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years?

Ancient grease

A man walks into a deli

A man walks into a deli with his pet snake. The cashier looks at him, shocked.

She says, “Wow! What kind if snake is that? It’s beautiful!” The man replies, with pride, “It’s an anaconda, straight from Bolivia!”

The cashier begins the mans order. “What can I get you?”, she asks.
...

Tim and Lyle, walking down Main Street with Moshe, their boss, spied an oil lamp. With a rub, out popped a genie.

“You get one wish a piece,” said the genie.

Lyle shouted. “I want to be on a yacht in Bermuda!” Poof. He disappeared.

Tim exclaimed: “Make mine Hawaii --with beauty queens!” Poof, he disappeared.

Moshe, the boss, looked around and calmly said. “For my wish ... I want those schno...

A Cuban man dies and goes to Hell

There, the devil informs him that every country has its own hell. However, as he had dual citizenship, he could choose which Hell he wanted to be sent: American Hell or Cuban Hell.

He visits the American Hell first. At the door, he finds George Bush Senior.

“Excuse me, mr president, ...

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What did oil say to water?

You dense motherfucker.

Is it possible to wish for a nice car if you find an oil lamp?

Depends whether it's a Lamborghini.

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An Arab and a Jew

oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being O- it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to sa...

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The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the garage door open.


"Hurry!" she cried. "Stand in the corner!"


She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.


"Don't move," she whispered. "Pretend you're a statue."

<...

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The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ...

Are hot girls made up of oil ?

Because when I try to look at their face, my eyes slip.

If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Almond oil is made with almonds,

Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,



Then I surely know what baby oil is.....

NASA should tell the US government they found oil on Mars

And then watch the funding skyrocket

If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from?

Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.

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Doing the Boss

A woman's boss calls her into his office asking her if she would house sit when he's gone for a weekend.
Accepting right away she says , "I'll make a list right now of what you'll need. Whatll you need me to do?"

"I've a mini pig that has a rash, can you rub some soothing oil on it?" The b...

I have now survived 21,364 days and 13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale.

Thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.

Why did the boy sleep under the oil tank?

He wanted to get up oily in the morning!

REQUEST: Burn victim jokes to keep my little sister happy because she accidentaly splashed a few drops of oil on her face

She's completely fine, in case anyone asks, but she has a few burn marks on her face. Doctor says itll take a few weeks to heal though and will probably scar. Just need some dark humor to cheer her up.

If this isn't the correct subreddit for this can someone direct me to one?

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[NSFW] Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. 

The bike looks better than a new one, and although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years....

A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp

First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed

What do you call Basil, Pine Nuts, and Olive Oil with a bad attitude?

Pestomistic

Two bears and three bears walk into a bar...

The bartender says: "what can I get you kind folks?"
The bears respond: "Oil price over the past decade"

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