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Oil well fire fighters

3 tycoons own an oil well that catches on fire. They try everything they can think of to put it out, to no avail. So they call Red Adair, the famous oil well fire fighter. He tells them he can put out the fire, but it will be 3 weeks before he can get there and will cost half a million dollars. ...

Almond oil is made by crushing almonds,

Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.

I really feel horrible about all those babies.

I got olive oil in my bed

Shhhh... Don't tell Popeye!

What's everyone's favorite essential oil?

As an American, I've gotta say petroleum

What did the hole in the ground say to the oil rig?

I’m bored

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn’t think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like “would you like us to rotate your tires?” I was like “Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over jackass!”

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

A man finds an oil lamp and dusts it.

A gini comes out and says that he get three wishes but his husband gets double. His first wish is 1 000 000 000 us$ so his husband gets 2 000 000 000 us$. His second wish is to be the most charismatic person in the whole country, his husband becomes the most charismatic person of the world. His thir...

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My wife told me to put olive oil on the shopping list.

Great idea, now it's fucking soaked.

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How do you make virgin olive oil?

You boil the fuck out of it.

An oil prospector is waiting at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter had some bad news for an oil prospector who appeared at the pearly gates of heaven: “You’re qualified for admission,” said St. Peter, “but, as you can see, the section for oil prospectors is packed. There’s no way to fit you in.”

After a moment, the prospector asked to say just four...

Just been assaulted in a health food shop! Someone threw a massive bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me.

Fortunately I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

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Why did the American oil tycoon want to marry the Japanese musician?

So they could make Plastic Love.

Be careful what you ask for

A guy walks into a bar, followed by 12 beautiful women. He slams a bag of gold down and says, " Bartender, drinks for everyone".

The bartender just finished setting up drinks for everyone at the bar when suddenly a 12 inch tall man jumped out from the rich guys jacket and runs down the len...

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[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.

'Dear Dad,

Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'

Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.

'Dear son ,

I just transferred $200 mi...

up on the oil rigs

so these two albertans, jordan and teddy, are working away up north, on a long stint. jordan says "hey teddy, whats the first thing you're gonna do when you get home" and teddy replies "I'm gonna go straight upstairs and tear off my wifes panties!" and jordan says "oh yeah??" and teddy replies "ye...

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

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A guy goes into his basement to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp.

He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie.

The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then...

I saw a 2000 year old oil stain.

It was from ancient Greece.

I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.

Such a crude way to die.

What’s the difference between Christ and an oil painting?

It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

This joke nearly got me kicked out of the choir.

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

Teacher: "What's 1 minus 1?"

Johny: "1 minus 1?"

Teacher: "Yes. If you subtract one from one, what do you get?"

Johny: "One."

Teacher: "No, Johny, Try again."

Johny: "Two."

Teacher: "Ok, let's do it this way: if you have only one potato chip left in a frying pan and you take it out of the pan,...

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him “Are you the friar?”

He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”

Smells Good

My GF gave me a beard oil that feels good an smells great. More important, she gets very turned on by the aroma. Our make out sessions are amazing.

If it works so well for kissing, I wondered what would happen if I oiled my pubes?

So I oiled up and went to visit her. Told her I had a s...

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

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As a kid I always insisted on having olive oil on my pasta instead of meat sauce.

Maybe that is why I am a virgin.

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A doctor is visiting a remote village

A man comes to him and says, "Big Chief, no shit"

The doctor pours him a small amount of castor oil and tells him it should solve the problem.

Next day, the man goes to the doctor again and says, "Big Chief, no shit"

The doctor pours a little more castor oil and tells him it wi...

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

The Robot Family.

It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family. Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife Z7-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their ...

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

They named a chicken joint “Popeye’s...”

...because they stick it in Olive Oil.

What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil?

He Mayo-neighs

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

Which country has the most oil?

Greece

A large oil company has announced it's going to start producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it's BP

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

The reason Saudi Arabia has so much money, is not because of the oil...

It's because they wouldn't let their women spend it.

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Spend the extra money and get the virgin olive oil instead of the regular kind.

It costs a little more, but it's worth it to know that no one has ever put their dick in something that you're going to put on your food

If palm oil comes from palms, and coconut oil comes from coconuts, where does baby oil come from?

North Korea

A rich Arab oil sheikh discovers he has a rare form of blood cancer

He scours the world looking for a match for his blood type, which is also rare. He discovers a Scottish man as a match and the Scottish man agrees to donate blood to him.

The sheikh rewards him with lavish gifts; fancy cars, a mansion and the finest luxury clothes.

Two years later, the...

I set up a production business for oils that clear up colds and nasal blockages.

An olfactory oil factory

I had a joke about crude oil

But it could use some refinement.

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A wealthy Texan oil tycoon made his way to Ireland one day

as he walked into an Irish pub there he made a declaration to all them that were in the room. He pulled out a wad of five-thousand dollars in cash and placed it on the bar. He said, " I hear you Irish can drink, so I put to you the challenge that not one of y'all can drink five hundred shots back to...

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What's common between me, good quality olive oil, and probably you?

They're all extra virgin.

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A Jewish man, a Frenchman, and an Italian man were bragging about their sex lives.

The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butt...

An engineer and a machinist are tasked with drilling a hole into a the deck of a ship.

They arrive on site, the engineer confirms the position of the hole, the machinist starts drilling. Before they reach the required depth, oil starts spewing out the flutes of the drill bit -- they've drilled into the oil tank.

"How're we gonna explain this to the boss?" -- asks the machinist....

How to swear like an Irishman...

"Whale oil beef hooked!"

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How is extra virgin olive oil NSFW ?

Not Safe For Wok.

\[yay dumbest joke of the day\]

John, Paddy and Scott are on a trip in Saudi Arabia.

Paddy is driving his little red car, which has seen better days. John and Scott are drunk in the back.

Suddenly, ahead of them, they see an oil well on fire.
The firefighters are unsuccessfully trying to extinguish the flames.

Paddy drives straight over the well, blocking the oxygen...

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

Is it crude to make oil jokes now?

Nah, it's oilright.

My wife asked me to get some baby oil.

Does anyone know how to extract it?

A politician finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says “I shall grant you any wish you ask, on the condition that when I ask, you set me free and when I ask you acknowledge my part in your wish.”

The politician agrees and after much consideration, he wishes that his lies and exaggerations would come true.

He holds a press c...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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What’s the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil?

Popeye’s Knob

What type of art is the favorite of the US Military?

Oil paintings

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

Genie grants three wishes...

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralega...

This one is mine, so it's not great, but I like it....

A guy named Bob works in an oil refinery, and since he only lives about a mile from the plant, he just rides his bicycle in every day. There only inconvenience is he has to carry his bike across a catwalk that stretches over numerous vats of oil being refined.

One day, he stumbles and *gloop...

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You know how you can tell if the olive oil is extra virgin?

If it screams while being poured onto a Caesar salad.

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A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

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Our catholic priest used to stick anointing oil up his bum in December

He said he was Father Chrism-ass

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

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How do you make extra virgin olive oil from regular olive oil?

Dating advice from a Redditor.

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

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Reddit is releasing its own brand of olive oil in honor of its users

It only comes in extra virgin

Does anyone know where I can get a longer dipstick from?

Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore..

Why can't you use vegetable oil as gearbox lubricant?

Because it doesn't contain any trans fats.

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk aro...

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

A kid walks into a car shop to get his get his first oil change.

"Oh, you're in for an oil change, okay. Also, while you're in do you know the last time the car had a tire rotation?" the worker says.

The kid looks at the worker confused,"Sir, I dont want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but the tires rotated on the way here."

Man: can you cook? Woman: can you change the oil in my car?

Man: not on an empty stomach

Americans are so lucky

Americans are so lucky that wherever they fight terrorism they manage to find oil.

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The vagina...

The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!

Did they find oil in Waschington, D.C.?

There is no other explanation for such a presence of the U.S military

As much as these Karens talk about their essential oils

They sure do want nonessential businesses to reopen

I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.

Worst french fries I've ever had.

What has four legs and goes Woof?

An oil rig on fire.

It's Havana, Cuba and there's a shortage of food.

A local family is wondering what to do for dinner, their parrot overheard and asks:

"What about fried parrot?"

The mom says: "There's no oil"

"How about roasted parrot?"

"There's no electricity to turn the oven on"

"And parrot over rice?"

The mother says "T...

Y'know how ants will sacrifice themselves to form a bridge?

I read that when ants approach an obstacle such as water/oil/etc they will sacrifice themselves and form a chain to create a bridge across said obstacle. The coolest part to me is that the males specifically line up to form the bridge and protect the females. Apparently this is because they are not ...

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You kids have it easy with your convenient music streaming services and your smartphones. When we were teenagers, if we wanted to listen to an album by our favourite Australian alt rockers, we had to download it from Napster and put it on a CD ourselves.

We were burning the Midnight Oil.

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

A poor man needs oil for his bicycle.

He doesnt have any money so he asks his wife if she has any money.

The wife said she doesnt have any money either.

But the man had an idea to get quick money.

A few days later he comes home with oil. The wife asks how did he get the money to buy oil.

"Why, I sold my bike ...

I always thought that World War III was about the last oil reserves.

When it actually will be about the last rolls of toilet paper.

A man spots an empty beach as he frantically searches for a place to land his plane.

He's run out fuel but he is a skilled enough pilot to guide his aircraft down and gracefully crash into the sand. He comes in at a small angle and exits his vehicle without a scratch on him.

"Damn it, what could have gone wrong?" He ponders for a short while before he starts assessing the da...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

Two martians stare at a descending spacecraft.

One of them mutters:

"It seems that the American subspecies has finally reached our home planet. I really hope they mean no harm to us."

The other, terrified:

"Oh god, please tell me we don't have oil."

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Before the invention of lube, Greeks used olive oil to have anal sex.

I guess you might say the people of ancient Greece loved that ancient grease.

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

Wanna know how to learn englis? (probrobly made before, if so then i havent seen it)

Spill oil on the ground and then wait for the us army, they will teach you.

A French man loses his favorite olive oil, and becomes suicidal...

I've lost my huile d'olive!

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

Due to global climate change the world is set to experience a loss in olive oil

Now we can all understand the heartache Popeye felt after the tragic end of his wife.

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

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How can anything be extra virgin?

This is a long story, you might want to sit down.

Back in the glory days of the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta. One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, l...

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

So there I was, baby oil in one hand, dinosaur glove puppet snugly on the other one.

I felt pretty stupid when the titles rolled and I realised the dvd was actually called *Walking* with dinosaurs

I always cook with with vegetable oil.

It was a Wesson I learned long ago.

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Obgyn Assistant

A guy is looking for a job and sees an application for an obstetrical assistant who has to trim patients "private parts" and rub oil there in preparation for the session. He tells the officer, "I'd like to apply for that one" and the officer says he has to go up to Sudbury. (Way the hell up north!)...

This year i turned 20 and I've never used essential oils

Which makes me wonder just how essential they really are.

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The best extra virgin olive oil comes from Saudi Arabia.

They hand inspect each olive to make sure it's still a virgin.

They said essential oils would solve all my problems.

I tried it but my car still won't start.

I was just struck in the head by a flying bottle of omega 3 pills!

.... luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil.

How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America?

3 Galleons.

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Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

What did the oil refinery say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

There's your problem!

The Little Guy was talking to the Big Guy.

LG: Big Guy, how'd you get to be so big?

BG: Well, every night I rub oil ALLLLL over my body!

LG: I'll have to try that!

Two weeks later, they met up again.

LG: Big Guy, tell me again how you got to be so big?

BG: W...

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What do oil changes and sex have in common?

My wife doesn't believe in either of them.

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