A French man loses his favorite olive oil, and becomes suicidal...

I've lost my huile d'olive!

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

They said essential oils would solve all my problems.

I tried it but my car still won't start.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

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What do Olive Oil and I have in common?

extra-virgin...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

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What do oil changes and sex have in common?

My wife doesn't believe in either of them.

When is the best time to clean up an oil spill?

At the crack of Dawn(tm)

What kind of motor oil does Darth Vader use?

Sithetic.

HELP! The smelly man who just got laid on an oil rig is chasing me with a piece of bent pipe!

It’s an olfactory refractory fracking fractional flak attack!

A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

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Olive Oils

Olive Oil 1: I fk all the time

God: okay, you'll be regular olive oil



Olive Oil 2: I've never had sex

God: you'll be virgin olive oil



Olive Oil 3: I've only tried anal

God: \[turns back to Olive Oil 2\] okay your actually gonna be extra virgin

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How do you make extra virgin olive oil from olive oil?

Dating advice from a Redditor.

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

The law is very strange thing...

If the government finds oil in your backyard, it is theirs.

If they find marijuana, it is yours...

Essential oils

I told my wife that I have a headache, she says to rub this essential oil on my forehead. So I do. After a few hours my wife asked “is your headache gone?”

I replied “nope.......you’re still here!”

I don't really like jokes about unrefined oil

They're too crude for my taste

Did you hear about the Frenchman who committed suicide by jumping into a giant vat of olive oil?

They say he lost his huile d’olive.

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

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A rich oil tycoon from Texas made his way to Ireland one day...

...where he made his way to a local pub.

He walked up to the bar and laid a bag of money on the counter whilst he declared to all in the room:

"I heard y'all Irish can drink, so I put it to you that not one of y'all's can drink 500 shots back to back. Prove me
wrong, and I'll give ...

I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me.

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

Why should you cook kale in coconut oil?

Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call him a shipping magnate. If someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate.

What do you call someone who makes theri fortune selling fridges?

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

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If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better...

Incel olive oil must be amazing.

I think my mechanic is an antivaxxer

He gave me essential oils for my broken car.

What type of oil do orcs use in their machinery?

Mordor Oil

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Essential oils are bullshit.

I've drank three bottles and now I have a headache AND diarrhea.

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

Saudi-Arabia has developed teleportation technology in order to sustain their economy when oil is depleted.

First tests in their embassies are promising, but apparently there are still issues with the part that is supposed to make one reappear.

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My wife and I are big believers in coconut oil as lube, it's been great for us really...

But now whenever I make macaroons I get a boner.

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

An old Texas Oil Man drove his brand new Corvette out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left
 

*“Amazing!”* he thought as he flew down I-20, pushing the pedal even more.
 

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind h...

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Why was the Water's sexual assault case against the Oil thrown out of court?

All of the physical evidence was immiscible.

What do you call motor oil from Cuba?

Fidel Castrol

NASA just announced discovery of oil on Mars

Humans^* are finally going to Mars

^* US Army

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A man took a job on an oil rig in the desert.

He was settling in well but after a couple of weeks felt the normal urge every man has and went to talk to his supervisor.

"I really like the job boss but I need some female company"

The boss replies "That's easy Joe, see those Camels over there, when your off your shift feel free to u...

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

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A Texan oil tycoon storms into his lawyers office...

Demanding that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.


"What's the problem?"


"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.


"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a pie...

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.

Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”

Me: *smiles and nods*

Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”

Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”

Her: “Listen. You never listen”

Me: “Oh..”

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A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.

After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.

Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all t...

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

There once was a young mechanic named Eric, who got a job on an off-shore oil derrick . . .

He wasn't about to be party to a limerick, so he devoted himself to doing the best job he could to assist with the maintenance of all the machinery. He looked after the power generators, the pumps, the hydraulic systems and even did a little work on the electric systems.

One day, Eric was wo...

The armed grenade was under a pile of chick peas, tahini and olive oil.

Captain Smith threw himself on top of it to save his men from the inevitable explosion.

His medal for bravery was awarded post-hummusly

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What kind of Olive Oil do Reddit users use to masturbate?

Extra Virgin

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes.

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A priest goes to the mechanic

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the f...

What do you say when an oil company CEO wakes up to a tweet saying that he's fired?

Crude Awakening!

A guy goes to his doctor for elbow pain...

The doctor gives him a specimen cup and requests a urine sample. “But doc, I’ve got elbow pain, why do you need a urine sample?”
Doc assures him,”we have the latest in technology, just go to the men’s room and give me a sample”, which he does. The doctor pours it in the top of a complex analysis ...

A Taxi driver walked into a bar

"Anyone here call a taxi?" He asked

"Over there" replied a stern voice.

The Taxi driver turned his head to see a gruff old man pointing to a young fellow in his thirties snoozing at a table.

The taxi driver walked over to the young man and saw a note next to his head.

...

My wife stared at me with mouth agape and stammered, “You’re shirtless and also covered in…oil?!”

I exclaimed proudly, “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten!”

She threw her arms up in the air and screamed disgustedly, **“Listen!!** You never **listen!”**

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years?

Ancient grease

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3 Canadian guys discover an old oil lamp...

3 Canadian guys - One Newfie, One Quebecois, and one from Ontario are working together on a construction site. While digging they discover an old oil lamp, which, when picked up immediately belches forth a smoky, strange looking individual they know must be a genie.

"Thank you for freeing me,...

I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

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A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

Frustrated and on the brink he walked down to his car parked on the street

Attempting the deed in his car would be too visible to everyone around so he crawled underneath and started jerkin it

Eyes closed and confident he was finally enjoying some alone time when he heard someone walk ...

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.
"I ...

Whats the hardest part of making vegetable oil?

Removing the wheelchairs

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What did oil say to water?

You dense motherfucker.

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An Arab and a Jew

oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being O- it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to sa...

What do you call a dog that can change your oil?

A Lubebradoodle.

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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.

"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"

Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.

"IT SHALL BE DONE!...

What do you call a victim of an urban oil spill?

A city slicker

I have now survived 21,364 days and 13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale.

Thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.

What do you call a homeopathic remedy thought to cure simply because it exists, yet has no purpose nor explanation as to why?

Existential oils

Tim and Lyle, walking down Main Street with Moshe, their boss, spied an oil lamp. With a rub, out popped a genie.

“You get one wish a piece,” said the genie.

Lyle shouted. “I want to be on a yacht in Bermuda!” Poof. He disappeared.

Tim exclaimed: “Make mine Hawaii --with beauty queens!” Poof, he disappeared.

Moshe, the boss, looked around and calmly said. “For my wish ... I want those schno...

Are hot girls made up of oil ?

Because when I try to look at their face, my eyes slip.

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Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the se...

If coconut oil is made with coconuts,

Almond oil is made with almonds,

Groundnut oil is made with groundnuts,



Then I surely know what baby oil is.....

NASA should tell the US government they found oil on Mars

And then watch the funding skyrocket

What do you call an oil that doesn't live up to its standards?

A "Disapp-ointment."

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[NSFW] Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. 

The bike looks better than a new one, and although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years....

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A man moves to Alaska...

He was offered a new job on a remote site in the cold wilderness. After a few weeks he is getting pretty bored and ask one of his coworkers was there anything to do for fun there for which he replied, "meet me after work I'll show you how we get our kicks here"
He meets him in a cold barren ice...

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