Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

Did they find oil in Waschington, D.C.?

There is no other explanation for such a presence of the U.S military

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

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A wealthy Texan oil tycoon made his way to Ireland one day

as he walked into an Irish pub there he made a declaration to all them that were in the room. He pulled out a wad of five-thousand dollars in cash and placed it on the bar. He said, " I hear you Irish can drink, so I put to you the challenge that not one of y'all can drink five hundred shots back to...

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

As much as these Karens talk about their essential oils

They sure do want nonessential businesses to reopen

Is it crude to make oil jokes now?

Nah, it's oilright.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, bec...

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.

Worst french fries I've ever had.

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How do you make extra virgin olive oil from regular olive oil?

Dating advice from a Redditor.

Man: can you cook? Woman: can you change the oil in my car?

Man: not on an empty stomach

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Before the invention of lube, Greeks used olive oil to have anal sex.

I guess you might say the people of ancient Greece loved that ancient grease.

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

Due to global climate change the world is set to experience a loss in olive oil

Now we can all understand the heartache Popeye felt after the tragic end of his wife.

Nobody's driving anywhere, so oil demand has plummeted.

It really tanked.

Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

What happens when an oil worker starts cracking vulgar jokes?

You tell him he's just plain crude.

The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.

She's an essential oil worker now.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

I always thought that World War III was about the last oil reserves.

When it actually will be about the last rolls of toilet paper.

People have been using crystals and essential oils to protect themselves from covid.

Their corpses smell great and look very fashionable.

A French man loses his favorite olive oil, and becomes suicidal...

I've lost my huile d'olive!

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona

when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin ...

Somebody threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me.

Luckily I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

I struck oil....

Now I have to fix the hole in my engine.

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Olive Oils

Olive Oil 1: I fk all the time

God: okay, you'll be regular olive oil



Olive Oil 2: I've never had sex

God: you'll be virgin olive oil



Olive Oil 3: I've only tried anal

God: \[turns back to Olive Oil 2\] okay your actually gonna be extra virgin

Regarding the Coronavirus, remember not to listen to charlatans and snake oil salesmen.

Every professional knows that only aquamarine and amethyst crystals can heal your chakras and realign your meridians.

Don't believe anyone that says quartz is sufficient.

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So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work in oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to th...

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

Bad car acronyms. I know a few, you got others?

Ford => Found On Road Dead. ... ... or ... ... First On Race Day. (Depends if you're a fan)

Fiat => Fix It Again Tony

BMW => Bavarian Money Waster

Subaru => backwards is U R A Bus

Chevrolet => acronym for all the engine problems to expect... Cracked ...

Hey r/Jokes can you answer a question?

Is it considered crude to share oil jokes now?

Why does American army show up in the American cities?

Did they find oil in them?

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Want to know why they call me Olive Oil?

Cause I'm extra virgin. Get on my level.

What did the oil refinery say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes

I'm going to teach you how to speak Irish in the spirit of diversity.

Say, "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly.


Bonus: for Australian say, "Good eye might."

How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America?

3 Galleons.

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A Kotaku throwback

Best Buy Customer Rep: "Good afternoon, welcome to Best Buy. What brings you in to see us today?"

Customer: "I'm pretty interested in one of those new 3D tv's but I thought I'd check it out before I buy. I'm a little concerned over the image quality."

Rep: "I understand your concern si...

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A Texas Man Moves To Alaska

So a Texas man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill. Here gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. The man sees "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!", out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it. "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The man asked....

I always cook with with vegetable oil.

It was a Wesson I learned long ago.

A kid walks into a car shop to get his get his first oil change.

"Oh, you're in for an oil change, okay. Also, while you're in do you know the last time the car had a tire rotation?" the worker says.

The kid looks at the worker confused,"Sir, I dont want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but the tires rotated on the way here."

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

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Guy goes to the doctor complaining of tennis elbow...

Doctor says to him that because of social distancing, he’s got this new machine that can diagnose anything with just a urine sample and just drop it off at his convenience.

The guy is upset and just wants his tennis elbow looked at, so he pees in a cup, has his wife and daughter pee in the s...

A doctor is doing his morning rounds with the ward nurse. They come to the first bed where a man is laying half dead.

“Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, no,” replies the nurse. “I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.


“Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”

“Oop...

I thought I could use a massage in these stressful times...

So I found a spa that was open last night.

Receptionist: “Good evening and welcome sir! Would you like to try our Aromatherapy massage with lavender and chamomile?”

Me: “How much does it cost?”

Receptionist: “That would be $150”

Me: “Thats very expensive for me. Do you h...

They said essential oils would solve all my problems.

I tried it but my car still won't start.

This year i turned 20 and I've never used essential oils

Which makes me wonder just how essential they really are.

Due to new trade agreements, China becoming increasingly concerned about running out of oil.

No big supplies there.

The oceans are really polluted nowdays.

Last time I bought sardines, they were dead and covered in oil.

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Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

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90% of the time I know what you want.

A Customer walked into a Wal-Mart and the Me as a good Customer Representative said, "Automotive, aisle 15."

The Customer asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?"

I replied, "That's my job."

Another customer walks in, a man and I said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28."

...

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Funny times

Who would have ever thought that one day a roll of toilet paper would be worth more than a barrel of oil? Countries have gone to war over oil. Now we can wipe our arses and not give a shit!! Haha

A guy dies and goes straight to hell.

A guy dies and goes straight to hell. He is greeted there by Satan - who says "Hey! Cheer up! Hell is not so bad - we give you choices!"

He points to three doors and says "You get to pick one - and you get to peek behind the door before you choose." So he opens the first door and there is a ...

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How to make your wife scream

Three men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body...

So I was in the supermarket this morning and I had an accident when all the Omega-3 feel on me

I'm ok, the manager assured me my injuries where Super fish oil.

A North Korean man is walking home

A North Korean man is walking along the road when he spots a fish caught in the reeds. Excitedly, he scooped it up and ran home.

"Look what I found!" he says, revealing his treasure to his wife, "Quick heat the oil"

"But husband, the police confiscated the oil! They said subversives co...

A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

When is the best time to clean up an oil spill?

At the crack of Dawn(tm)

Yes, boss, I know I'm considered essential..

But so are those pyramid scheme oils, and they don't work, either.

The son of a wealthy oil sheik sends an email to his father in Dubai

Subject: arrived.

Hi dad, Oxford is fantastic, everyone is very friendly and it is very nice here, but ... I don't feel so easy when I come to my university in my pure golden Ferrari, while my fellow students and even my professors come by train. Greetz, Nasser. The next day, Nasser recei...

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What do oil changes and sex have in common?

My wife doesn't believe in either of them.

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

How do you teach an American an Irish accent

Say the following words:

Whale.

Oil.

Beef.

Hooked.

One more time. . .

Now say them all together fast.

(Heard on NPR yesterday)

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

Why should you cook kale in coconut oil?

Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.

HELP! The smelly man who just got laid on an oil rig is chasing me with a piece of bent pipe!

It’s an olfactory refractory fracking fractional flak attack!

I went to the grocery store to buy oil. Couldn't find it. So

i inVaDed IraQ

I don't really like jokes about unrefined oil

They're too crude for my taste

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

Three punishments in hell

John after death was led to hell. The devil announced that they would lead the sinner to see three different punishments and had to choose one. The first room, the criminal was tortured in an oil cauldron. The second room, the sinner was burned on a blazing fire. Too scared, he asked to go to the la...

What's the hardest part about extracting vegetable oil?

The wheelchair.

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Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the se...

Did you hear about the Frenchman who committed suicide by jumping into a giant vat of olive oil?

They say he lost his huile d’olive.

4000 YEARS of MEDICINE

2000 BC : Here, eat this root.

1000 AD : That root is heathen! Here, say this prayer.

1865 AD : That prayer is superstition! Here, drink this potion.


1935 AD : That potion is snake oil! Here, swallow this pill.


1975 AD : That pill is ineffective! Here take this a...

A woman treated her dry hair

A woman treated her dry hair with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave a smell, she washed her hair with shampoo several times. That night, in bed, she asked her husband, "Do I smell like Olive Oil?" He sniffed a little and replied "Why? Do I smell like Popeye?"

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

How does a Hungarian cook dinner?

First, he chops an onion finely. Then, he chops some garlic as well, or perhaps use a garlic press. This is then fried in a pan with about a tablespoon of oil for about 30 seconds, after which a few tablespoons of paprika is added. Add some salt, maybe some pepper, and then he decides what dish to m...

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If we had to describe groups of people with only one condiment, Redditors would be...

Olive oil: Fat and extra virgin

Funny (true) story

I drove 250 miles to see my son and his family over Christmas. He knows he's getting my car when I die (I'm terminal, but no telling when) so he checks it out every time he sees it. It's well taken care of; 275,000 miles and I keep it spotless and running perfectly.

He was checking the oil, a...

What type of oil do orcs use in their machinery?

Mordor Oil

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act. First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil...

Then…hey…pesto!

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If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better...

Incel olive oil must be amazing.

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

Essential oils

I told my wife that I have a headache, she says to rub this essential oil on my forehead. So I do. After a few hours my wife asked “is your headache gone?”

I replied “nope.......you’re still here!”

What do you call people who change oil at the end of a race?

End game oilers

The people on early Mediterranean cities used to enjoy using olive oil as "personal lubricant."

They really loved ancient grease.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

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My Prius had an oil leak

Had to pay for a tampon to stop it up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Essential oils are bullshit.

I've drank three bottles and now I have a headache AND diarrhea.

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

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