Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

The reason Saudi Arabia has so much money, is not because of the oil...

It's because they wouldn't let their women spend it.

I had a joke about crude oil

But it could use some refinement.

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into his basement to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp.

He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie.

The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then...

I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.

Such a crude way to die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spend the extra money and get the virgin olive oil instead of the regular kind.

It costs a little more, but it's worth it to know that no one has ever put their dick in something that you're going to put on your food

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

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Our catholic priest used to stick anointing oil up his bum in December

He said he was Father Chrism-ass

A large oil company has announced it's going to start producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it's BP

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A rich oil tycoon from Texas made his way to Ireland one day, where he made his way to a local pub.

He walked up to the bar and laid a bag of money on the counter whilst he declared allowed to all in the room.

"I heard y'all Irish can drink, so I put it to you that not one of y'all's can drink 500 shots back to back. Prove me wrong, and I'll give you this here five thousand dollars."
...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

If palm oil comes from palms, and coconut oil comes from coconuts, where does baby oil come from?

North Korea

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‟Hurry!” she said. ‟Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ‟Do not move until I tell you to,” she whispered. ‟Just pretend you are a statue.”

‟What‘s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‟Oh, ...

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In what way are redditors and olive oil the same?

They are both extra virgin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's common between me, good quality olive oil, and probably you?

They're all extra virgin.

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

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What’s the difference between virgin olive oil and regular olive oil?

Popeye’s Knob

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How is extra virgin olive oil NSFW ?

Not Safe For Wok.

\[yay dumbest joke of the day\]

Is it crude to make oil jokes now?

Nah, it's oilright.

My wife asked me to get some baby oil.

Does anyone know how to extract it?

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What kind of oil do massage therapists use?

Palm oil!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

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You know how you can tell if the olive oil is extra virgin?

If it screams while being poured onto a Caesar salad.

Why can't you use vegetable oil as gearbox lubricant?

Because it doesn't contain any trans fats.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit is releasing its own brand of olive oil in honor of its users

It only comes in extra virgin

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A Business man decided to hire a Japanese, a German and a Chinese man to make his business run more smoothly.

He told the Japanese man that he is putting him in charge of productivity. The German was put in charge of efficiency. The Chinese man was put in charge of supplies.

A month later, he walks the factory floor and sees the workers working in unison like a well oiled machine which improved prod...

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

I got hit in the head when someone threw a can of cod liver oil at me yesterday...

Luckily the damage was just super fish oil

Is some one dear to you having a suspected stroke, remember, think F.A.S.T.

F. Get on Facebook immediately and search the symptoms from a sympathetic audience.

A. Ask for their thoughts and prayers, this will generate lots of likes.

S. Search for the symptoms on Google or look for helpful YouTube videos.

T. Try a selection of oils, scented candles, he...

Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

A poor man needs oil for his bicycle.

He doesnt have any money so he asks his wife if she has any money.

The wife said she doesnt have any money either.

But the man had an idea to get quick money.

A few days later he comes home with oil. The wife asks how did he get the money to buy oil.

"Why, I sold my bike ...

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

Did they find oil in Waschington, D.C.?

There is no other explanation for such a presence of the U.S military

Fat-free French fries

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.

“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some.

He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.

...

As much as these Karens talk about their essential oils

They sure do want nonessential businesses to reopen

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Two old friends were walking down the beach, and one spots an ancient-looking oil lamp.

He picks up the lamp, and just as he began to inquire 'What's thi...", his buddy rips the item out of his hands and begins furiously rubbing on the side of it.

Smoke began to swirl from the end of the lamp, and coalesced into a muscular man in old Arabian attire.

"I am a jinn who has b...

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How do you make extra virgin olive oil from regular olive oil?

Dating advice from a Redditor.

Man: can you cook? Woman: can you change the oil in my car?

Man: not on an empty stomach

I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.

Worst french fries I've ever had.

The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

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Before the invention of lube, Greeks used olive oil to have anal sex.

I guess you might say the people of ancient Greece loved that ancient grease.

How to get man on mars:

Tell America there's oil there.

I struck oil....

Now I have to fix the hole in my engine.

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

Jo, a farmer is one day working in his field.

He is hoeing the ground when suddenly he comes upon a ancient oil lamp. He picks it up and a Genie comes out. The Genie says: "You may wish 3 wishes, but whatever you wish, your worst enemie gets it double."


Jo is happy as can be and wishes for a million dollars. He gets it, but his enemi...

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

A kid walks into a car shop to get his get his first oil change.

"Oh, you're in for an oil change, okay. Also, while you're in do you know the last time the car had a tire rotation?" the worker says.

The kid looks at the worker confused,"Sir, I dont want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but the tires rotated on the way here."

People have been using crystals and essential oils to protect themselves from covid.

Their corpses smell great and look very fashionable.

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A little old lady

checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.

She thought,

"I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - ...

So there I was, baby oil in one hand, dinosaur glove puppet snugly on the other one.

I felt pretty stupid when the titles rolled and I realised the dvd was actually called *Walking* with dinosaurs

They named a chicken joint “Popeye’s...”

...because they stick it in Olive Oil.

I always cook with with vegetable oil.

It was a Wesson I learned long ago.

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Olive Oils

Olive Oil 1: I fk all the time

God: okay, you'll be regular olive oil



Olive Oil 2: I've never had sex

God: you'll be virgin olive oil



Olive Oil 3: I've only tried anal

God: \[turns back to Olive Oil 2\] okay your actually gonna be extra virgin

How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America?

3 Galleons.

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The best extra virgin olive oil comes from Saudi Arabia.

They hand inspect each olive to make sure it's still a virgin.

Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.

She's an essential oil worker now.

A French man loses his favorite olive oil, and becomes suicidal...

I've lost my huile d'olive!

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

What did the oil refinery say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes

This year i turned 20 and I've never used essential oils

Which makes me wonder just how essential they really are.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

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My wife got pissed and threw a large bottle of Omega 3-which hit me in the head

I’m Ok, I just got super-fish-oil injuries

Google Doodles

Four people are sitting at a bar. A native American, a trucker, a business woman, and a google employee walks up to these people, and asks them:

“Do any of you know of an important problem facing our society? If so, then we can make a doodle of it and put it on our search homepage to raise aw...

They said essential oils would solve all my problems.

I tried it but my car still won't start.

Somebody threw a bottle of omega-3 capsules at me.

Luckily I only suffered super fish oil injuries.

A man goes to an auto shop for a $60 oil change

Before he's about to leave, 3 men enter and hand him another bill, confused and slightly angered, he asks the manager who those people were, the manager then replies, "They're surprise mechanics and they're quite ethical"

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Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Please pee on this cup and come back. Joe's confused by this weird method, but fuck it let's roll.

Joe brings the cup back. Then, Halstaad dips his right pinky into the urine, licks it and pauses.
Then, he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

The son of a wealthy oil sheik sends an email to his father in Dubai

Subject: arrived.

Hi dad, Oxford is fantastic, everyone is very friendly and it is very nice here, but ... I don't feel so easy when I come to my university in my pure golden Ferrari, while my fellow students and even my professors come by train. Greetz, Nasser. The next day, Nasser recei...

Due to new trade agreements, China becoming increasingly concerned about running out of oil.

No big supplies there.

God creates Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

Your mama so fat

When she wears heels she finds oil

Sandpaper Sally

This guy he works on a oil rig 3 weeks on 3 off and he hates it because his wife left him. Well the man gets all depressed when he came home so he needed a pick me up so he went down to the bunny ranch to ya'know

So he walks into the ranch and sees this person at the front desk and he walks ...

When is the best time to clean up an oil spill?

At the crack of Dawn(tm)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do oil changes and sex have in common?

My wife doesn't believe in either of them.

HELP! The smelly man who just got laid on an oil rig is chasing me with a piece of bent pipe!

It’s an olfactory refractory fracking fractional flak attack!

Once upon a time, there was a country called Garbanzonia.

The country's entire economy revolved around chickpeas. One day, the United States declared war and invaded the country for oil. At the Battle of Bengal, the Garbanzonian troops were grossly outnumbered and outmatched. All hope seemed lost, but a man known as Yanni Siderás single-handedly fought ...

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

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The Doctor is Always Right

A man wakes up feeling sick, so he goes to an urgent care center.  The doctor asks what his symptoms are, and he tells her, "I'm not sure - I'm just not right."

The doctor immediately replies, "I need a urine specimen."

The man is taken aback.  "Why do you need a urine sample?  You hav...

Why should you cook kale in coconut oil?

Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Texas Man Moves To Alaska

So a Texas man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill. Here gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. The man sees "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!", out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it. "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The man asked....

Hey r/Jokes can you answer a question?

Is it considered crude to share oil jokes now?

I went to the grocery store to buy oil. Couldn't find it. So

i inVaDed IraQ

What type of oil do orcs use in their machinery?

Mordor Oil

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

A rodent fell into a vat of hot cooking oil.

It turned into a Chris Pratt

I don't really like jokes about unrefined oil

They're too crude for my taste

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