UPJOKE
petroleumcrude oilliquidcrudegasolineanointvegetable oilpennyroyal oilfuellipidmineral oilfuel oilolive oilfossil fuelgas

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

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what's the difference between Extra Virgin Olive Oil and regular Olive Oil?

A candle lit dinner and bottle of champagne.

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

From my dad: What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?

Your camera.

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

If someone makes their fortune in ships, we call them a shipping magnate and if someone makes their fortune in oil, we call them an oil magnate. So what do you call someone who makes their fortune...

...selling fridges?

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

Why did the French person commit suicide when they couldn't find their olive oil?

Because they had lost the *huile d'olive*

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The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”



The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we ma...

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

An Oil Prospector Died and went to Heaven

And St. Peter said, "Well, I checked you out, and you meet all of the qualifications. But there’s one problem."

"We have some tough zoning laws up here, and we keep all of the oil prospectors over in that pen. And as you can see, it is absolutely chock-full. There is no room for you.’"
...

Why doesn't Big Oil pay taxes?

Because they have a Shell corporation.

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

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Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?

Customer: Is it extra virgin?

Me: *tearing up* No it’s the same price

Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.

(OC)

One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp.

“I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish.”

The first academic ponders for a mome...

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

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Working on an oil rig

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"


The old timer nods knowingly a...

I bought some engine oil for my bike ...

But it was too thick, so I thinned it out with some gasoline, but then it was too thin, so I added more oil, but I just can't seem to get it right. It's a viscous cycle.

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What is the difference between an oil change and a mechanic?

One is a filthy hassle, while the other is a filthy asshole.

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil

To calm all your asses down

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

What is the scariest kind of oil?

A Gargoyle!

What did the crude oil say to the gasoline?

Wow, you look so refined

Oil

So an 80 yr. old man runs into a hospital with his 20 yr. old wife, and says "Help! My wife is having a baby!" So, they deliver the baby, and then one of the nurses asks the man "How do you still make babies at your age!?" He cooly replies "Just gotta keep the motor running,"
A few months pass a...

I went to the library today and asked where I could find books on greases, oils and lubricants.

The librarian suggested I try the non-friction section.

I saw a 2000 year old oil stain.

It was from ancient Greece.

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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

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A priest goes to the mechanic

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the f...

How much does Putin want oil prices to be capped?

Well his closest advisors say he needs this like he needs a hole in the head....

If you combine Basil, Parmesan, Pinenuts and Olive Oil you get Pesto. What do you get when you mix Olive Oil, Spinach and Sweet Peas?

You get the comic and cartoon classic Popeye.

Van Gogh masterpiece defaced by Just Stop Oil activists in London.

A spokesman for the group said, 'We will not rest until all 19th century painters switch to acrylics or watercolours.'

Last night I massaged my wife

Italian: Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French: Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 20 minutes.

Indian : That's nothing. Last ni...

How many Just Stop Oil activists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Doesn’t matter, they can’t change anything

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Oil well fire fighters

3 tycoons own an oil well that catches on fire. They try everything they can think of to put it out, to no avail. So they call Red Adair, the famous oil well fire fighter. He tells them he can put out the fire, but it will be 3 weeks before he can get there and will cost half a million dollars. ...

I'm in my 40's and have never used essential oils in my life...

...which makes me think they're not really essential at all

An oil prospector is waiting at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter had some bad news for an oil prospector who appeared at the pearly gates of heaven: “You’re qualified for admission,” said St. Peter, “but, as you can see, the section for oil prospectors is packed. There’s no way to fit you in.”

After a moment, the prospector asked to say just four...

An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. What's the secret?"...

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Why is it always 'Extra Virgin' olive oil?

Why can’t we also have some 'Loose Woman' olive oil?

What's everyone's favorite essential oil?

As an American, I've gotta say petroleum

I just learned this morning of the whale oil harvesting process…

In the 1800s when sailors were hunting whales for oils, it would take days while one is harpooned to get it into the boat while it passes and fights and the oils would even seep out making it very slippery and challenging to get into the boat so they had to use these beef hooks like butcher beef hoo...

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

Did you hear about the award winning science film about oil and water?

It’s immiscable.

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

Did you hear about the guy who escaped a firing squad only to fall into a vat of boiling oil?

He went from the firing plan into the fryer.

up on the oil rigs

so these two albertans, jordan and teddy, are working away up north, on a long stint. jordan says "hey teddy, whats the first thing you're gonna do when you get home" and teddy replies "I'm gonna go straight upstairs and tear off my wifes panties!" and jordan says "oh yeah??" and teddy replies "ye...

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

I was hit by a truck carrying a bunch of Omega 3 capsules

It’s okay, I only sustained super fish oil injuries

Almond oil is made by crushing almonds,

Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.

I really feel horrible about all those babies.

A man finds an oil lamp and dusts it.

A gini comes out and says that he get three wishes but his husband gets double. His first wish is 1 000 000 000 us$ so his husband gets 2 000 000 000 us$. His second wish is to be the most charismatic person in the whole country, his husband becomes the most charismatic person of the world. His thir...

What’s the difference between a software salesman and a snake oil salesman?

The snake oil salesman knows what’s inside the bottle…

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A wealthy Texan oil tycoon made his way to Ireland one day

as he walked into an Irish pub there he made a declaration to all them that were in the room. He pulled out a wad of five-thousand dollars in cash and placed it on the bar. He said, " I hear you Irish can drink, so I put to you the challenge that not one of y'all can drink five hundred shots back to...

Is it crude to make oil jokes now?

Nah, it's oilright.

The Politician, the Oil Baron and the Pilot

A politician, an oil baron and their pilot crash in the middle of the ocean. They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset.

When they meet back up, the politician returned with 4 fish, the oil baron found what he needed to build an...

Why do depressed Frenchmen consume so much olive oil?

It gives them a huile d'olive

I got olive oil in my bed

Shhhh... Don't tell Popeye!

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What kind of Olive Oil do Reddit users use to masturbate?

Extra Virgin

Where is a Furries favorite place to get an oil change?

Yiffy Lube.

If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from?

Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.

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How is extra virgin olive oil NSFW ?

Not Safe For Wok.

\[yay dumbest joke of the day\]

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My wife told me to put olive oil on the shopping list.

Great idea, now it's fucking soaked.

My wife asked me to get some baby oil.

Does anyone know how to extract it?

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An atheist man married a devout Catholic woman.

The woman insisted they have a full catholic wedding, led by a priest and including the sacrament. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
Every Sunday the woman insisted they attend mass. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
When their children were born, the woman insisted on a Catholic c...

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The Vagina

The best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger. It's self lubricating. It takes any size piston and change's its own oil every four weeks. It just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!!

An old Texas Oil Man drove his brand new Corvette out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left
&nbsp;

*“Amazing!”* he thought as he flew down I-20, pushing the pedal even more.
&nbsp;

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind h...

What did the hole in the ground say to the oil rig?

I’m bored

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If Virgin olive oil is good, and Extra Virgin olive oil is better...

Incel olive oil must be amazing.

I had a joke about crude oil

But it could use some refinement.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's j...

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An aspiring oil tycoon's oil rig catches fire...

A company immediately shows up to the scene and offers to extinguish the fire and repair his oil rig for $100,000,000. The oil tycoon says, "Hell, at $100,000,000 I'll let the damn thing burn itself out and retire on what I've already made". The next day another company shows up at his door offering...

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Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the se...

Essential oils

I told my wife that I have a headache, she says to rub this essential oil on my forehead. So I do. After a few hours my wife asked “is your headache gone?”

I replied “nope.......you’re still here!”

My friends’s car had a puddle of oil dripping from its differential

I said, “looks like you blew a seal”. He wiped his mouth and said, “Naw, it’s just mayonnaise from my sandwich “

I told my friend i drained all his oil out of the car without him knowing.

But it was a crude joke.

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

What did the oil refinery plant say to the offshore drilling platform?

Send crudes.

Did they find oil in Waschington, D.C.?

There is no other explanation for such a presence of the U.S military

I always cook with with vegetable oil.

It was a Wesson I learned long ago.

Someone just threw a bottle of omega fish oil at me!

Luckily my injuries were only super-fish-oil

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Essential oils are bullshit.

I've drank three bottles and now I have a headache AND diarrhea.

What type of oil do orcs use in their machinery?

Mordor Oil

So, one large oil company have announced that they are going to be producing fuel from insect urine.

I think it is B.P.

The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

I feel bad for the man who died from drowning in oil.

Such a crude way to die.

A kid walks into a car shop to get his get his first oil change.

"Oh, you're in for an oil change, okay. Also, while you're in do you know the last time the car had a tire rotation?" the worker says.

The kid looks at the worker confused,"Sir, I dont want to tell you how to do your job or anything, but the tires rotated on the way here."

Why can't you use vegetable oil as gearbox lubricant?

Because it doesn't contain any trans fats.

Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

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What did oil say to water?

You dense motherfucker.

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The oil fire.

Several decades ago, there was an oil tycoon. He discovered one morning, that one of his largest oil wells had burst and caught fire costing him large amounts of money by the minute. He quickly called all the large fire departments for miles around, offering thirty thousand dollars to the department...

I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

Why should you cook kale in coconut oil?

Makes it easier to slide it right into the trash.

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

Why is it so hard to impress oil connoisseurs?

They have refined tastes

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What do oil changes and sex have in common?

My wife doesn't believe in either of them.

I don't really like jokes about unrefined oil

They're too crude for my taste

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

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My Prius had an oil leak

Had to pay for a tampon to stop it up

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Want to know why they call me Olive Oil?

Cause I'm extra virgin. Get on my level.

What does a horse do when he eats a bunch of eggs and olive oil?

He Mayo-neighs

A poor man needs oil for his bicycle.

He doesnt have any money so he asks his wife if she has any money.

The wife said she doesnt have any money either.

But the man had an idea to get quick money.

A few days later he comes home with oil. The wife asks how did he get the money to buy oil.

"Why, I sold my bike ...

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