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Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

The doctor asked Fred if anyone in the family suffers from mental illness.

Fred replied: "No, we all seem to rather enjoy it."

Bob, Fred and Joe are at the funeral of one of their friends and it gets them thinking about what they'd like people to say about the three of them at their funerals

Bob: When people are looking at me in my coffin at my funeral I want them to say, 'he was caring, he was kind, he was compassionate, he always had time for people, he made everyone feel welcome.'

Fred: When people are looking at me in my coffin at my funeral I want them to say, 'he was a devo...

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

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Fred came home.....

Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly gates, where st Peter said, "you died in your sleep, Fred".

Fred was stunned. "I'm dead?? No, that can't be! I've got too much to live for. You have to send me back!"...

Uncle Fred

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable.



Since the company continued to adverti...

What does a french Fred Flintstone say when he leaves.

Yabba dabb-adieu

Fred was walking the long way home back to his house.(Long)

He had a long day at work and was feeling very sad that none of his co-workers had wished him well on this special day for him.

Fred walked past his neighbors who all waved to him but gave no special congratulations.

Fred began to feel worse and worse for himself as he finally made i...

Fred: he was dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from the old fun park

**cop:** that's actually not illegal but tell me about the talking dog

Fred was in the fertilized egg business.

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roos...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of ...

Two farmers each own a horse which they keep in the same field.

Each horse has a different coloured rubber band on its tail. Whenever the farmers visit, they feel carefully down the tail of each horse to find the rubber band, check the colour, and then take their horse for a ride.

This system works for many years until they arrive at the field one morning...

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you."

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you." Fred says, "Gee, I dunno Joe, I'm not good at riddles". Joe says, "This is an easy one, here goes. My mother had a child, it's not my brother, it's not my sister. Who is it?" Fred says, "I dunno. I'm an only chil...

Asked the Mrs "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astairish?"

She replied "I think she'd prefer you didn't dance on her grave at all"

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Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride...

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. ...

What did Fred Flintstone say when Barney asked if he wanted to get high?

Yeah, a dab will do.

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Fred and George went on a camping trip.

After a long day of trekking, they laid their camp, had dinner and went off to sleep for the night.

Later however, George was awakened by a nudge from Fred.

Fred: What do you see, George?

George: I see the moonless sky, the stars.

Fred: ...and?

George: ..and..the c...

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Fred and Charlie had been having a few beers at the bar together when suddenly they both had to take a piss.

Standing next to each other at the urinal, Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Charlie was very well endowed.

"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy,” remarked Fred.

"Wasn't always that way,” replied Charlie, “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these ...

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Little Johnny is visiting his uncle Fred the farmer...

Johnny came running in from the field one day frantically shouting “UNCLE FRED! UNCLE FRED! THE BULL IS FUCKING THE COW!!”

Fred of course found this information useful but told Johnny “thank you for tell me, but maybe instead of telling me the bull is fucking the cow, just tell me he’s SURPRI...

Harry, Ron, Fred and George started a boy band together called...

Wand Erection

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited

“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at t...

Fred and Mary got married.

But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "...

I can't believe Fred and Daphne are breaking up

Yeah, I hear they're splitting up to search for clues

Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred. He completed his task and went bounding over to the Farmer shouting “Farmer Fred, Farmer Fred…. I chased 40 sheep in to the yard for you”. “40 sheep?” queries Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37”

“I know” says Bob. “I rounded them up”

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist?

Ted: Brace yourself.

Bill and Fred hang out at the beach . . .

Bill meets a lot of girls, but Fred can’t get anywhere with them. Finally, Fred takes Bill aside and asks him, “What’s your secret?”

“Well,” Bill says in a low voice, “I always put a potato in my trunks. Works every time!”

Fred thinks that it’s a great idea, and the next day, he puts a...

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Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

Fred's honeymoon

Frederico's Honeymoon - Fred for the intimate!

At the age of 82, Frederico married Ana, 27, who, in consideration of her elderly husband, decides that they should sleep in separate rooms.

After the wedding party is over, everyone goes to their room.

Ana prepares to go to bed, wh...

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."

Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

Ned and Fred Go Fishing

Ned and Fred rent a row boat to go fishing. It costs $20 for five hours to rent the boat. For the first four hours, they row around the lake but find no fish. Finally, at the last hour, they find the prefect spot and catch a lot of fish. Fred tells Ned "Mark this spot so that next time we don't...

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

Ned and Fred, the Idiot Brothers...

Ned & Fred were building a house. Ned was putting up siding. He would take a nail out of his pouch, inspect it, sometimes hammer it in, other times, toss it into the trash.

Fred saw this, went over and said "What are you doing, tossing out perfectly good nails!?"

Ned explained, ...

Fred Flintstone asks Wilma if she has any weed left. She says "no, but I have some wax if you want a hit.

He replies, "yeah, a dab'll do."

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Two best friends, Bill and Fred want to get pissed

Bill and Fred want to get drunk but they only have 50 pence between them, Bill goes into a shop and buys a single sausage, Fred, confused and annoyed has a go at Bill

"You spent all our money on a bloody sausage, Now we can't even afford a single drink!"

Bill taps his nose and leads F...

Two elderly couples have their weekly meet up at a table in their local park.

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"

Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"

"What do they do there?" asks ...

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

What did Fred say after he and Daphne got a divorce?

Let's split up gang!

Grocery Shopping

Fred and Brenda go to the local supermarket and as they're looking around Fred sees a massive pile of lager cans with the sign '12 for a tenner' on it. He rushes over and adds a twelve pack to their trolley.

'oh no you don't. We can't afford that. Put em back' says Brenda

'But it's 12 ...

[OC] What's Fred Flintstone favourite dog breed?

The Labradabradooooor

I have a friend called Fred who changes his name as often as he changes his shirt.....

..... he’s always been called Fred and he stinks.

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Fred

A biker was blazing down the freeway and was pulled over by a cop. The cop came up to the biker and pulled out his ticket pad.

He asked the biker, "What's your name?"

The biker replies, "Fred."

The cop asks again, No, what's your full name?"

The biker again says, "Fred."<...

Farmer Fred's Pig

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the w...

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Fred loves camping, but his wife absolutely hates it (NSFW)

Every week Fred bugs his wife about it but its the same thing every time, she refuses to go camping. Finally having heard enough his wife says "fine, how about this? I have a list of things that need to be done around the house. If you finish everything on the list by Friday, I'll go camping with y...

Two guys, Fred and Bob, liked to hang out at the beach, trying to meet girls. Bob always got dates, but Fred kept striking out.

One day, Fred took Bob aside and asked him, “What’s your secret?”

Bob grinned and said, “All I do is put a potato in my shorts.” Fred nodded and thanked him for the tip.

The next day, Bob showed up and watched the girls running away from Fred, leaving him standing there, looking confus...

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Fred & the nun

Fred, the local stud, walks into the barber shop, and there he sees a beautiful nun in one of the chairs.

"My god, how I'd like to have sex with her" he tells Joe the barber "but nuns are the only women I can't get"

"Well," says Joe the barber, "She will do anything for God. Every day ...

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Dave and Fred

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appea...

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

Fred

A man gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop asks him, "what is your name?"

The man replies "Fred."

The cop asks "What's your last name."

"I don't have one."

The cop is unsure of how this is, so he asks "Why don't you have a last name?"

The man begi...

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Bill and Fred were chatting.

Bill said I had a terrible sleep last night.

Fred said, well I slept like a baby.

Woke up no hair, no teeth and I'd shit myself:

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Fred Johnson calls his boss one Friday morning. "I'm sick. I can't come into work..."

His boss gives him the day off, wishing him well. But after he hangs up the phone, he thinks, "Boy, he sounded rough. I better stop by and check on him. Johnson never misses work."

So he drives to the guy's house. He knocks but nobody answers. He gets worried that the guy might need medical a...

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Fred has a week off and decides

to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she’s very attractive. He’s interested and suggests that they play the rest o...

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A mortician comes home from work laughing. His wife is at the sink doing dishes. She asks him, "What's so funny?"

He tells her, "The guy on the slab this afternoon! Woo! You should have seen him! He must have had a cock 14 inches long, and thick as my forearm! I've never seen such... What's wrong honey?"

"Oh my God!" she sobs. "Fred's dead!?"

If Fred Durst opened a BBQ restaurant, he'd probably call it...

LIMP BRISKET

Who did the Hamburglar frame for the theft of Fred Flintstone's Dino-Burger?

Rubble Rubble!

If your name is Fred and you live in Flint Michigan and you're about to smoke a bowl....

...does that mean you're freddy to get flint-stoned

A man came home from work one day and caught his best friend in the hall with his wife

They had all day to go to bed
Pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em
Next morning, his friend went down to the jail
He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"
He said, "It could have been worse"
He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"
He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get...

My boss Fred keeps trying different brands of glue.

I think he should just pick one and stick with it.

Fred got on a train

Fred got on a train. Across from where he sat down was a man who kept flinching. Eventually he asked if there was something wrong that he could help with. The man replied, "oh don't mind me, it's just a nervous tic I picked up in Afghanistan where I served for 6 months." Fred tried not to be irrita...

Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk

So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

“Roof,” the dog barked.

Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

“Rough.”

He still wasn’t convinced.

“O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog.

“Rut...

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Sarah and Fred are having a discussion...

They are talking about many different things of varying topics, until they arrive to the topic of sex.

"You men are so lucky," Sarah said, "I've always wondered what it's like to make love to a woman as man, what it feels like to have her smile at you when you compliment her, what it feels li...

Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole...

...when an elderly lady was passing below them. One of the electricians calls her.

\- Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?

\- This one, young man?

\- Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!

\- No problem, dear!...

Fred drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm gonna leave you"...

Inevitably, he went out to a pub, drank too much and threw-up all over himself. He turned to his friend and shared his dilemma "If I go home in this state my wife will leave me". His friend replied "I tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw-up over you and gave you twenty-pounds. Show it ...

It is Fred's first day in prison.

After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. ...

Fred was walking home one night,

and came across another man searching for something along the road, under a streetlamp. He stopped and asked the man what he was doing.

The man replied, "I lost my keys and am looking for them."

Fred, being a stand-up guy, decided to stay and help this stranger look for his keys. It wa...

Amanda: Fred, honey, in your bathroom I found two towels, one with a letter A embroidered on it and another with an F. How thoughtful of you! I used the one with an A, because F is for Fred…

Fred: F is for face.

A Chinese man wakes up on the beach with no memory. He says he thinks his name is Fred.

But I think he might be Wong.

Committee, n.:

A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -- Fred Allen

Man in a movie theater

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if...

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A mage puts two friends, John and Fred, into a labyrinth of bridges.

The two walk around the maze, and they arrive at the first bridge. Fred starts to walk over the bridge when he sees John masturbating out of the corner of his eye. He does a double take and then asks why he's doing this. John then explains that the mage told him they must orgasm on the bridge in ord...

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Fred and Tom are talking about what they are getting their wives for Christmas.

Fred says "Im getting my wife a pearl necklace and a Mercedes. If she doesn't like the necklace she can drive her new car to return it!"

Tom says "Im getting my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go Fuck herself!"

What's Fred Flintstone's favorite soft drink?

Mountain Yaba-daba-do


^I don't know if this is original but it just popped into my head. ^^I'll see myself out..

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Fred and Barney are standing next to the jukebox,...

Barney says, "Hey, Fred, what do you want to listen to? *Rock* music?"

Fred replies, "You know, Barney, just because we live in the stone age doesn't mean all your puns have to be rock-based. Besides, I have a very eclectic taste in music which better suites my personality."

Barney ret...

How do you stick things together like Fred Flinstone?

You add a dab of glue.

Lassie runs up to Farmer Fred

*Bark!*

What is it Lassie?

*Bark! Bark bark!*

What's that girl? Timmy fell down a well!

*Bark! Bark bark woof!*

Right! I'll say you were here with me the whole time.

What do the Syrians and Fred Flinstone have in common?

They both have to put up with a lot of Rubble.

Fred is Dead, 236 Miles

That's the sign a man sees when he's driving back home across the country after a sales conference. He wonders about it for a bit, but curiosity passes.

Then, about an hour later, he sees another sign.

**Fred is Dead, 170 miles.**

Then he really starts to wonder. Who the hell i...

Ol’ Fred had been a religious man who was now at hospital, near death.

The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scrib...

Fred: "I can't believe Ben is in

the hospital. Just yesterday, I saw him with a gorgeous blonde."
Bob: "So did his wife."

My cousin Fred wears lace underpants

My cousin Fred, who I had not seen for years, visited us during the holidays. After a good game of racquetball, I noticed in the shower that he was wearing frilly lace underwear.

It was kind of awkward, but on the drive home, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him: "Say Fred, ...

Fred and Marie are residents in a retirement home...

Marie says to Fred, "I bet I can guess how old you are."

"How are you gonna do that?" asks Fred.

"Well," says Marie, "You have to unzip your pants."

Fred is a little hesitant, but Marie assures him that there is nothing to fear. This method is quick and 100% accurate. So, Fred ...

My uncle Fred used to say " What you can't hear can't harm you"

*used to*

He was killed by ninjas.

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Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game.

Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small ro...

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

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Car Repair at Walmart

A man and a woman had car trouble as they pulled into the Walmart parking lot. The man told his wife to go ahead and do the shopping and he would try to fix the car.

The wife finishes shopping after about 90 minutes and walks out to the parking lot. She sees a group of people gathered around ...

Man comes home early from work on a Thursday and finds his wife in bed with his friend.

He shoots em both dead and ends up in jail. While in jail his best friend comes to visit him and console him. His friend tells him:

"Damn Fred its a wonderful thing you caught this mf in bed with you're wife"

Fred responds "How can you say that man 2 people are dead and im in jail"...

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Fred was a popular man, but sadly he passed away. His friends and widow gathered to remember him,

Fred’s best friend gets up and says to the widow, “May I just say a word?”

“Of course,” she says.

“Plethora,” he says and sits down.

“Thank you,” says the widow, “that means ...

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

Everyone knows Frank. [Long]

One day, Frank and Fred were chatting and Frank said ”Oh ya, I know everyone.” And Fred failed to believe him, so Fred replied “I don’t believe that you know EVERYONE. I’ll bet $100 you don’t know Mayor Marabell.” Upon hearing this, frank replied “Oh ya! We went to highschool together!“ Fred decided...

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

At least I’m telling you in this te...

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