Fred and Mary got married

But they can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She re...

What did Fred Flintstone say at the altar on his wedding?

I YABBA DABBA DOO

I have a friend called Fred who changes his name as often as he changes his shirt.....

..... he’s always been called Fred and he stinks.

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school.

Fred is all excited: “Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re rin...

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

"Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" [long]

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the w...

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"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

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Fred loves camping, but his wife absolutely hates it (NSFW)

Every week Fred bugs his wife about it but its the same thing every time, she refuses to go camping. Finally having heard enough his wife says "fine, how about this? I have a list of things that need to be done around the house. If you finish everything on the list by Friday, I'll go camping with y...

What did Fred Weasley wear?

Forever 21

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."

Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

Noted archeologist Fred Flintstein made an amazing discovery today in Sweden

He found remains of some primitive musical instrument and a small deposit of fossilized excrement. when asked about what they signified,

Fred Flintstein replied: "A dab o' ABBA doo."

Two guys, Fred and Bob, liked to hang out at the beach, trying to meet girls. Bob always got dates, but Fred kept striking out.

One day, Fred took Bob aside and asked him, “What’s your secret?”

Bob grinned and said, “All I do is put a potato in my shorts.” Fred nodded and thanked him for the tip.

The next day, Bob showed up and watched the girls running away from Fred, leaving him standing there, looking confus...

[OC] What's Fred Flintstone favourite dog breed?

The Labradabradooooor

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

At least I’m telling you in this te...

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Two best friends, Bill and Fred want to get pissed

Bill and Fred want to get drunk but they only have 50 pence between them, Bill goes into a shop and buys a single sausage, Fred, confused and annoyed has a go at Bill

"You spent all our money on a bloody sausage, Now we can't even afford a single drink!"

Bill taps his nose and leads F...

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Fred & the nun

Fred, the local stud, walks into the barber shop, and there he sees a beautiful nun in one of the chairs.

"My god, how I'd like to have sex with her" he tells Joe the barber "but nuns are the only women I can't get"

"Well," says Joe the barber, "She will do anything for God. Every day ...

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Fred

A biker was blazing down the freeway and was pulled over by a cop. The cop came up to the biker and pulled out his ticket pad.

He asked the biker, "What's your name?"

The biker replies, "Fred."

The cop asks again, No, what's your full name?"

The biker again says, "Fred."<...

Fred and Wilma are having marital issues...

Their marriage is on the rocks

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

Name's Fred

A cop stops a car for speeding. He asks the driver his name. 

"Fred," the driver replies. 

"Fred what?" the officer asks. 

"Just Fred," the man responds. 

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. 
...

Who did the Hamburglar frame for the theft of Fred Flintstone's Dino-Burger?

Rubble Rubble!

My boss Fred keeps trying different brands of glue.

I think he should just pick one and stick with it.

Fred is sick and wants to leave work

fred: Sir, I'm sick. I want a one day leave.

Boss: When i get sick i kiss my wife and my weakness goes away. try it

Fred: Okay sir, I'll try.

Boss: Good

next day

Fred: Sir, I tried

Boss: How was it?

Fred: first your wife hesitated, then she enjoyed it...

Fred got on a train

Fred got on a train. Across from where he sat down was a man who kept flinching. Eventually he asked if there was something wrong that he could help with. The man replied, "oh don't mind me, it's just a nervous tic I picked up in Afghanistan where I served for 6 months." Fred tried not to be irrita...

TIL that Fred Rogers never got to visit Toronto.

He had to use his imagination to travel to the Land of Maple Leafs.

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Fred has a week off and decides

to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she’s very attractive. He’s interested and suggests that they play the rest o...

Girl Trouble

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His f...

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Fred Johnson calls his boss one Friday morning. "I'm sick. I can't come into work..."

His boss gives him the day off, wishing him well. But after he hangs up the phone, he thinks, "Boy, he sounded rough. I better stop by and check on him. Johnson never misses work."

So he drives to the guy's house. He knocks but nobody answers. He gets worried that the guy might need medical a...

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Dave and Fred

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appea...

No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death

God hates gags.

Fred was walking home one night,

and came across another man searching for something along the road, under a streetlamp. He stopped and asked the man what he was doing.

The man replied, "I lost my keys and am looking for them."

Fred, being a stand-up guy, decided to stay and help this stranger look for his keys. It wa...

If Fred Durst opened a BBQ restaurant, he'd probably call it...

LIMP BRISKET

Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk

So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

“Roof,” the dog barked.

Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

“Rough.”

He still wasn’t convinced.

“O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog.

“Rut...

"Why did you name your owl Fred?"

"Because I'm Batman."

If your name is Fred and you live in Flint Michigan and you're about to smoke a bowl....

...does that mean you're freddy to get flint-stoned

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Sarah and Fred are having a discussion...

They are talking about many different things of varying topics, until they arrive to the topic of sex.

"You men are so lucky," Sarah said, "I've always wondered what it's like to make love to a woman as man, what it feels like to have her smile at you when you compliment her, what it feels li...

A Chinese man wakes up on the beach with no memory. He says he thinks his name is Fred.

But I think he might be Wong.

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen...

Fred

A man gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop asks him, "what is your name?"

The man replies "Fred."

The cop asks "What's your last name."

"I don't have one."

The cop is unsure of how this is, so he asks "Why don't you have a last name?"

The man begi...

Amanda: Fred, honey, in your bathroom I found two towels, one with a letter A embroidered on it and another with an F. How thoughtful of you! I used the one with an A, because F is for Fred…

Fred: F is for face.

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A mage puts two friends, John and Fred, into a labyrinth of bridges.

The two walk around the maze, and they arrive at the first bridge. Fred starts to walk over the bridge when he sees John masturbating out of the corner of his eye. He does a double take and then asks why he's doing this. John then explains that the mage told him they must orgasm on the bridge in ord...

Fred Astaire took his outfit to the dry cleaners.

"What happened to get it in such a mess?" The dry cleaner asked.

"Well" replied Fred, "Was in the kitchen when I tripped up and knocked a bowl full of rice pudding all over myself"

"Now I've got....... pudding on my top hat.... pudding on my white tie........pudding on my tails"

What's Fred Flintstone's favorite soft drink?

Mountain Yaba-daba-do


^I don't know if this is original but it just popped into my head. ^^I'll see myself out..

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Dating in 1962

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?...

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Happiness

Fred lost one of his arms in an accident. 


He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf. 

One day in despair he decided to commit suicide. 

He took a lift to the top of a very tall building, intending to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down when ...

What do the Syrians and Fred Flinstone have in common?

They both have to put up with a lot of Rubble.

There's only one rule in heaven

Three friends, Ted, Ned, and Fred, get killed in a car crash. They arrive all three together at the pearly gates and are excited that they will be let in, but St. Peter warns them, "There is only one rule in heaven, you must NOT step on the ducks, or you will suffer for eternity." The three friends ...

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Fred and Tom are talking about what they are getting their wives for Christmas.

Fred says "Im getting my wife a pearl necklace and a Mercedes. If she doesn't like the necklace she can drive her new car to return it!"

Tom says "Im getting my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go Fuck herself!"

It is Fred's first day in prison.

After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. ...

Fred drank a lot and his wife said "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm gonna leave you"...

Inevitably, he went out to a pub, drank too much and threw-up all over himself. He turned to his friend and shared his dilemma "If I go home in this state my wife will leave me". His friend replied "I tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw-up over you and gave you twenty-pounds. Show it ...

Farmer Fred fertilizes

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young' pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.


This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his ...

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students another challenge....

Dropping a white sheet of paper, she asks what it reminded them of..

Jody : Winter and the snow flakes falling

Teacher : Great Answer!

Billy : Fall and the leafs falling

Teacher : Good answer Billy...

Fred : SEX!!!

Teacher : What????

Fred : Listen dar...

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Fred and Barney are standing next to the jukebox,...

Barney says, "Hey, Fred, what do you want to listen to? *Rock* music?"

Fred replies, "You know, Barney, just because we live in the stone age doesn't mean all your puns have to be rock-based. Besides, I have a very eclectic taste in music which better suites my personality."

Barney ret...

Fred: "I can't believe Ben is in

the hospital. Just yesterday, I saw him with a gorgeous blonde."
Bob: "So did his wife."

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An old prospector finds a gold nugget...

Excited to have a little cash and looking to celebrate, he gets on his donkey and rides it down into town. He walks into the saloon, has some whisky, and then says, "Bartender, you got any women around here?" The bartender says, "Nope. But we got old Fred in the back." The prospector looks disgusted...

How do you stick things together like Fred Flinstone?

You add a dab of glue.

My uncle Fred used to say " What you can't hear can't harm you"

*used to*

He was killed by ninjas.

Ol’ Fred had been a religious man who was now at hospital, near death.

The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scrib...

Fred and Susan were having their usual loud...

...and endless argument about family reunions.

At last, Fred relented. "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine."

Lassie runs up to Farmer Fred

*Bark!*

What is it Lassie?

*Bark! Bark bark!*

What's that girl? Timmy fell down a well!

*Bark! Bark bark woof!*

Right! I'll say you were here with me the whole time.

Fred is Dead, 236 Miles

That's the sign a man sees when he's driving back home across the country after a sales conference. He wonders about it for a bit, but curiosity passes.

Then, about an hour later, he sees another sign.

**Fred is Dead, 170 miles.**

Then he really starts to wonder. Who the hell i...

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when...

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when... one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference f...

Fred and Marie are residents in a retirement home...

Marie says to Fred, "I bet I can guess how old you are."

"How are you gonna do that?" asks Fred.

"Well," says Marie, "You have to unzip your pants."

Fred is a little hesitant, but Marie assures him that there is nothing to fear. This method is quick and 100% accurate. So, Fred ...

My cousin Fred wears lace underpants

My cousin Fred, who I had not seen for years, visited us during the holidays. After a good game of racquetball, I noticed in the shower that he was wearing frilly lace underwear.

It was kind of awkward, but on the drive home, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him: "Say Fred, ...

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Guy walks into math exam not knowing anything

He apparently fails. So teacher gives him F.
Guy: please Mr.Donovan let me sing. I can sing like Freddie Mercury. Please let me sing, I promise you have never heard anything like that. and if I do so please give me a good grade.
Teacher looks at his colleagues and nods. Guy sings the shit...

A Park Ranger is patrolling one day

When he passes what appears to be a young fisherman carrying 5 fish in a bucket.

"Excuse me sir! You can't fish here. This is a National Park and all species are protected. I am going to have to take you to the Ranger Station."

"But sir, I didn't catch these fish here. These are my pe...

3 Chinese Immigrants

Lee Bu, Chan Chu and Fred Fu immigrated to the USA. They decided in order to become Americans, they need to americanize their last names.

Lee Bu changed his last name to Bucks.

Chan Chu changed his last name to Chucks.

Fred Fu left the USA to Canada after becoming the laughing...

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It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf...

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, ho...

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Four Types of Female Orgasms (nsfw)

Fred do you know that women have four types of orgasms?
No what are they?
You can tell by the sounds they make.

First is the religious Orgasm Oh God O GOD O GOD!!!
Second is the negative Orgasm oh no OH NO NO NO!!!
Third is the posative Orgasm oh yes OH YES YES YES!!!
Last is ...

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Bob had one hand and was depressed.....

Bob felt inadequate because he was missing a limb. He always felt incomplete and insignificant.

One day his friend, Fred, took him to a park and they noticed a person with no arms dancing around like crazy.

Fred shamed Bob regarding his outlook on life and said he should be more like t...

There have been a lot of layoffs at work

So, to help with moral, our boss suggested a themed costume party at work. The theme he decided on was “feelings” and I got a big of smilie face costume.

I thought it was going to be lame but it was a huge success and a lot my co-workers got into it. Someone was a glowing red angry face, the...

I liked the new show Bonding on Netflix but it was too short.

Just like Fred.

Howard decides to go on vacation.

In the middle of his trip, he calls his brother Fred to see how the family cat is doing.

“She broke her neck, she’s dead.”, Fred says.

Howard is shocked “Well, you could have told me in a lot easier way. You could have said that she was stuck on the roof and the fire department was g...

My friend's mother just had quadruplets

I asked him "What did she name them?"

My friend told me "Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Fred"

I asked "Fred? What about Mo?"

My friend responded "She don't want no Mo"

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and notices several lines of people getting beaten. Curious, he walks to the bartender.

Man: “What’s with these people getting beaten?”

Bartender: “Oh, those guys refused to pay their tabs so we kidnapped ‘em and let people hurt them for money, their punishment v...

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Steve and Natalia

Steve and world famous super model Natalia are stranded on an uninhabited island after the sinking of their cruise ship. After securing their survival they eventually start having sex and Steve is ecstatic. After about three weeks he gets antsy and asks Natalia, if she could put on one of his shirts...

A guy is sitting on a park bench...

... when he notices something odd about two workmen by the side of the path. The first workman would dig a hole, then the second workman would fill the hole, and the pair would move along a few feet and repeat the process. He is intrigued and watches them a for few minutes, digging and filling hole...

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Two old men were sitting at the park, just Watching people stroll by.

“Ralph,” one says “how long have we been sitting here?”

“‘Round about 40 minutes, Fred, why?”

“I think that’s the same guy we saw yesterday, selling those buttons.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right. Think those people realize it’s a scam?”

“Probably not,” Fred said, raising h...

Three vampires were chilling on a hill

The first vampire Steve says "I'm gonna be back in a minute" and transforms into a bat to fly off. After a while, he comes back with a little drop of blood on his lips. Their friends ask him what happened.

\+Do you see the yellow building over there?

\-Yes.

\+OK, do you see the ...

Genius Boyfriend

A worried father confronted his daughter one night.

'I don't like that new boyfriend, he's rough, common and bloody stupid.'

'Oh no, Daddy.' the daughter replied, 'Fred's ever so clever!'

'Amuse me', the father said.

'Well, we've only been going out nine weeks and he's ...

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